Transcription
Have you ever trusted your shared finances with the narcissistic person in your life? How did that work out for you? Especially if the relationship didn't work out? If you have any thoughts on that, drop it in the comments.
I'm Dr. Romney, and today I'm going to go back to this series we've been doing on money and narcissism. I've made clear in this series that of all the things in life that don't mix well with narcissism, money may actually be one of the most premier. It signifies power, it signifies status, it holds so much importance. So if you're in a relationship with a narcissist, money is going to make it far worse. Money is always tough in relationships, right?
So today we're going to take on this idea of sharing finances with a narcissistic person. I can promise you this: it will be complicated. As I shared in the first video in this series, control, lack of transparency, unfairness, and manipulation around finances are all very common. This obviously is going to make sharing finances with someone narcissistic very, very complicated.
Now, in a long-term committed relationship, and especially in a marriage, sharing finances is quite commonplace. Having joint accounts, shared credit cards, the deed to a house, real estate, cards—you name it—might be in both names. This is actually more risky than you think if the other person is narcissistic. One risk is actually becoming complacent, assuming that the other person that you're sharing your finances with is on it.
And you know what? Doing your taxes, looking at tax returns—that's not very fun. So you may just sign them. If I can make only one plea to you: don't do it. It can take some people a few years or even decades to figure out that they are in a narcissistic relationship. Because money is so important to narcissistic people, they are really eager to take control of it—in most cases, not all cases.
I have worked in cases where this wasn't the case, but in most cases, if money, bookkeeping, investing, and taxes just aren't your thing, it can be really easy to give over control to the other person—the narcissistic person in your life. And let me tell you, this is a really dangerous thing to do.
Now, let's say you say, "I want to be more interested in the money." The narcissist may sort of sweetly say, "Oh, okay, no worries, dear. I've got it." Or they may take the stance of, "Hey, I majored in business," or "I run a business," or "You don't earn as much," or whatever position they take. You may give in, thinking, "Well, they're going to want to manage our finances well, right? They're going to want to make sure the money is handled well, and they do know more about it. I have enough going on, so why not let them take over the finances?"
This will definitely backfire on you years later, especially if it ever comes time to divide the whole mess. Or even if you don't get to the point of divorce and needing to divide it up, when it's time for a major purchase or unanticipated expense, you may not actually know the full financial picture. You may not know where the money is at.
And if the narcissistic person is controlling the finances, then they get to control the narrative and really get to decide what major expenses get to be made. You may not even know if it's realistic or not.
Now, shared finances also require the uncomfortable conversations about budgeting, long-term goals, spending, and the individual amounts you each take for yourselves for walking-around money. These are difficult conversations to have in even the healthiest relationships. In a narcissistic relationship, it's like dancing on the third rail. You are very unlikely to come to any kind of agreement.
You may face lots of contemptuous disregard from the narcissistic person. You may be labeled as selfish if you want to keep some money for yourself. You may be viewed as indulgent if you want to save a certain amount of money for children's college. You may be viewed as crazy if you want to save for a future illness. All of the prudent decisions that somebody might want to make financially in their lives may be poo-pooed by the narcissistic person.
Now, on the flip side, if you are in a relationship with someone who has an obsessive-compulsive personality style alongside a narcissistic personality, then they will be obsessive about every cent. In fact, they may be so over-controlled and almost catastrophically minded and even hoardy about money and about future finances. They'll say things like, "Well, we can't take a vacation until we save 15 years in an emergency fund." There is absolutely no money spent on joy or fun or spontaneity.
Now, in most cases, though not all cases, sharing finances with a narcissistic person means that you will either be overpowered and basically have no clue what is happening with your money, or you will be doubted, argued with, and criticized about everything related to your joint finances—or likely both. Because a narcissistic person's financial goals only relate to what works for them: the things they want, the goals they have, their financial fears, their need for financial control, with little regard for what is best for others.
Sharing finances can largely feel like basically losing control of your finances. The idea that a long-term partnership or marriage is about planning for a life together and the sacrifices inherent in that—that's not how the narcissist views this. It's all about planning for the life that they want and that you just happen to be along for the ride on.
Now, if you do plan on a divorce, you obviously have shared finances because you are married. The whole shared finance thing will become a disaster. Forensic accountants are very expensive, divorce attorneys are very expensive, and if you weren't fully aware of how the finances were managed, you will be at a marked disadvantage.
It is at this moment, for example, of doing the deep dive in finances during a divorce that many people recognize the peril that these shared finances result in. By the time the divorce is done, you may see that you are handing over a part of a hard-fought pension or the earnings that you assumed would be supporting you in your old age. You are likely in the dark about money they were able to move around and keep out of sight.
Then you realize you're spending more money fighting for the money than actually getting any of it, and you end up with not nearly as much as you need. Shared finances may also be an issue in a family of origin. There may be family trusts, family accounts, and other shared family assets that get really messy really quickly if there are narcissistic family members involved.
Family may dip into accounts that were meant for all family members. They may literally give predatory loans to another family member who may be in dire need of money. So I want you to imagine, for example, a brother charging another brother 25 percent interest when he needs the money for medical expenses. And they may even sue each other. I've seen it all.
If you have a narcissistic family member, getting your stake out of joint family finances is wise. The odds of it ending well in a narcissistic family system are minimal, and my bet is on the narcissist in terms of who walks away with the most money before it's done. Many a narcissist, for example, will try to convince other family members to put money into a shared account to help with aging parents or a summer home.
This often ends up being a slush fund for the narcissistic family member who everyone might think was going to manage it because it's for all of you. Probably not. And if you start a business with someone who is narcissistic and there are obviously shared finances, there are always, always use an independent accounting service, very clear legal agreements, and ironclad contracts.
A handshake agreement is not going to work, even if this is a family member or a long-time friend. Money will definitely bring their narcissistic stuff into starker focus. You have to write the arrangement in a new business as though they are going to screw you. I don't even care if you trust the person and they never do. You're going to have to write the agreement that way.
Way too many people enter into business partnerships with narcissistic people with the naive thought that they can work around their personality differences because they both bring in a certain level of expertise. Trust me when I tell you: you cannot and you will not. I have seen people lose their life savings, livelihoods, their sanity, and more after making the mistake of starting a business venture with a narcissistic person.
Whether you start a business with a narcissistic person or not, you may not fully know they're narcissistic when you start the business. But I'm guessing you probably did see some red flags. You're like, "Oh, it's business; we'll figure it out." Do not assume you will just work it out. Contracts are essential.
And if the other person has the contracts drawn up, get them read by your own independent attorney. Yes, this all does cost a lot. It beats the heck out of dealing with it on the back end. You need to have a trusted, vested third party manage the money and look at your financial statements regularly.
Do not let the other person manage the finances. Be careful of potential business partners who are slick, who are charming, who future fake and over-promise, and who say, "Oh, come on now, we don't need all of that. We're in this together. We don't want to waste money on that."
I don't care who you open a business with; start with the assumption it's all going to go wrong. Prepare for narcissism, even if it doesn't show up. It's kind of like keeping an umbrella in the car. Even in California, we almost never need them, but it's good to have one if it does. You have some protection.
Though the psychological impact of having a narcissistic business partner is awful, if it doesn't happen, then for the next 40 years, you might have a bunch of contracts sitting in a drawer. When you shut it all down, you'll say, "Hahaha." Money is such a fraught space with narcissistic people, so joint finances almost always get really ugly really fast.
If you do have intermingled finances of any kind, it's going to get dicey with a narcissist. At a minimum, be on top of it. Regularly ask to see statements and set this as a precedent early in a relationship. If there's a lot of pushback on financial transparency, well, there's your answer.
You can start making a plan now instead of waiting until down the line when this will turn into a financial tragedy. Thanks again.