Transcription
Want to improve your marriage? Be more appreciative and express it more. Many husbands appreciate their wives' efforts; they just don't say it. Marriage is a dynamic process—a continuously renewing reality. It's not a one-time event; you're constantly "getting married." This is because you were born single, creating a new reality that must constantly recreate itself. Every moment of your marriage, you *are* being married. Therefore, celebrate the process daily. Some have marriage renewals later in life, but it should be daily. Every day you wake up married is a new beginning that needs improvement.
So, whether your marriage is wonderful, mediocre, or painful, it's time to upgrade it. Give it more attention and ensure it's on the right track. Here are three suggestions:
First, respect. Behave, speak, and even *think* respectfully. Does marriage give you rights others don't have? Can you criticize your husband while not tolerating others doing so? That's a loss of respect, not comfort or devotion. It cheapens the relationship. What about intimacy? It's not a right or privilege; it's a constantly renewed gift. No number of dates, or even a ring, gives you a right to intimacy. Marriage is a commitment to intimacy, not a right. It's not a demandable right; it's a commitment. The option is divorce, not demanding intimacy. Feeling entitled to criticize because it's your spouse is a horrible fault. Your spouse deserves more respect than any stranger or relative. Improve respect; speak with thoughtfulness and dignity. Pay attention; check your respect quotient.
Second, be appreciative. Women need appreciation more than compliments. They have an innate sense of value; they don't need constant reminders. Don't take them for granted. You don't need to compliment every meal, but be grateful for every one. Appreciation differs from admiration; women need appreciation more than admiration. Express appreciation for even small things. Sages say women are sensitive to injustice, and being taken for granted is an injustice. Want to improve your marriage? Express more appreciation. Many husbands appreciate their wives' efforts; they just never say it.
Third, if criticism is needed, how do you do it? When you think you're right and she's wrong, avoid self-righteousness. You can't "do whatever it takes." Don't correct in real-time. Wait until tomorrow. If you forget, it wasn't that important. If it's important, you'll have time to choose your words and be more effective. Constructive criticism can't happen at the moment of the misdeed. Putting your wife on the defensive makes your words wasted. When criticizing, maintain respect. Criticize because right is right, not because you've lost respect. Loss of respect prevents constructive criticism. Giving advice as an outsider is offensive. A husband who lost his life savings developed hatred for his wife after she calmly said, "It's just money." She lacked empathy and lost her right to give advice. Even good advice needs wisdom. Criticize because you're *in* the marriage, not because you're turned off to it. Stepping out of the relationship, even with annoyance, is infidelity.
In short: Be respectful, offer appreciation, and don't criticize reactively. Be thoughtful; wait. Criticize from within the marriage, not from a place of detachment. These things don't take much time, but they can make a huge difference. For more information, see the book linked below. These ideas are vital for the world today. Support this effort by donating; it helps a lot. Thank you.