Transcription
I received a question where it was asked what is the difference between someone just experiencing depression or the depression that happens afterwards Spiritual Awakening. What is the difference between the two? I would like to make some distinctions now.
When the person is experiencing depression and there hasn't been an Awakening, let me recapitulate what Awakening means. Awakening is simply a dent in the structure of the personality. It is a glimpse into the truth, and that glimpse begins to destroy all worldly concepts. The illusoriness of the world becomes apparent because the mind, having glimpsed reality, is now aware of its non-existence.
Since all material concepts are tied to this sense of separate self or "me," after Awakening, this idea of "me," the conceptual thought that I exist separately from others, begins to crack down. Therefore, immediately after Awakening, people experience a lot of pain and suffering. They go through a depressive episode, which has been described in the classic scriptures as the Dark Night of the Soul. It can go on for days, months, sometimes years.
But what happens before Spiritual Awakening, conceptually speaking, is that this "me" mind, the person, is so identified with their separate existence that everything is about my fulfillment—the fulfillment of this separate self. No amount of validation from the external world brings any peace.
So, before Awakening, the depressive episodes are usually about me not being understood by others. The fundamental crisis before Awakening is that people do not understand me. My situation is unique; my suffering is unique. Nobody understands what I want, what my desires are. The "me," this separate self, is continuously identified with this whole horizontal movement that my life should be like this, should be like that.
I should get all the happiness and love I deserve in the world. I should have amazing relationships. I should have an amazing life. I should have an amazing career. If that is not happening, I am not being understood, and therefore I am sad and depressed. So it's all outwardly focused.
However, after Awakening, this "me" mind still continues, but it is seen that there is no concrete reality to this sense of separate self or "me." It will come up in a few given moments. You know, it will just arise and say, "Oh, I don't have a good job," let's say, or "I don't have a good loving relationship." But at the same time, there will be a fundamental understanding that none of that is actually going to give me the happiness and peace that I seek.
So my pursuit will not be in the direction of the world after Awakening. It will not be in the direction of acquiring something from the material world to make myself happy. The pursuit will only be towards the wholeness. After Awakening, the "me" arises and says, "Oh, I am alone in this world. I experience terrible loneliness in this world."
But then it is not continuously identified with it because there are moments of amazing bliss too, amazing happiness too, and happiness for no reason. So, you know, it flip-flops. Sometimes you experience happiness and bliss; sometimes you experience sadness and aloneness. Sometimes the world seems an amazing place, a colorful, vibrant place; sometimes it feels like a horror show.
So you are fluctuating between these highs and lows, and in between these highs and lows, there are periods of peace and harmony too. What happens over time is that as this sense of separateness, that I am separate from the rest, begins to dwindle, one experiences more and more peace.
That is what Ramesh Balsekar called Deliverance. So Awakening is always instantaneous, but Deliverance happens over time as the sense of separateness begins to dwindle. Now it's no more about me, my life, how can I improve myself. Now the movement changes. It is about the truth. I want to know my nature, who really I am. That is the beginning of seeking.
That movement happens, and then the seeker moves slowly in that direction. So there is reading of spiritual scriptures, literature, philosophers. This is all seeking. Some people seek Enlightenment too, but the seeking is not me-oriented. It is done just because it gives peace and happiness.
Because all other things in life appear pointless, meaningless. You have played the game over and over again before Awakening, right? You tried with material success. You tried with relationship success. You tried with all the worldly things you could do—have a family, celebration, life, whatever you want to call it. But none of that gave any happiness, and there was this constant feeling of emptiness or void within oneself, which was unbearable.
So we kept replacing that emptiness with food, sex, enjoyment, you know, just diverting the mind. After Awakening, no such movement happens, and one sits with the void. One says, "Okay, let me see what this emptiness is. What is the nature of this emptiness? I'm not going to escape it anymore. I'm going to face it head-on."
When one sits with it, it can be quite painful in a given moment, but then one sees that this emptiness that one is experiencing is tied up to the sense of personal identification that I call as "me," or the thinking mind, or the ego. Just simply watching it, this emptiness, this sense of separateness begins to loosen up.
When this loosens up, everything that is tied up with that "I should be this," "I should be that," "I will become this," "I will become that," everything that is tied up with that begins to crumble. That crumbling, that cracking in the personality structure causes pain and suffering.
After Awakening, life is not blissful. After Awakening, immediately after Awakening, in fact, the mind caught up with previous patterns fights back. It says, "No, no, don't leave that. Don't leave the comfort of the world. You need people. You need this. You need that. You need a stable job. You need a stable career."
It just keeps moving from this end to that end, read more books. But then slowly, the mind begins to settle down because it is seen that all of this movement, where I'm trying to avoid this haunting emptiness within me, that itself is continuing or perpetuating my suffering.
That is what is the Dark Night of the Soul. Sometimes I feel God is with me; sometimes I feel God is not with me because I imagine God as something separate, as an all-powerful entity in manifestation keeping a tab on its creation. I forget that God is my own essence, and that essence is present in every being.
I may consider myself human; I may say I am intelligent, but my intelligence has no existence without that essence, without my beingness. So what happens after Awakening is that one first goes through an emotionally challenging period where one experiences a lot of pain and depression.
But the nature of that depression is different from the depression that the organism experiences when the Awakening has not happened. Depression before Awakening is more self-centered in nature. I need to be validated in order to be happy. It is all about me, my needs, my wants, my desires not being taken care of.
After Awakening, there is a confusion: who is this "me"? It arises very often. Yes, the mind still arises; the "me" mind still arises, and it still says, "Oh, I have needs." But then there is simultaneously another thread from the mind which says, "But then who is this me? Is this emptiness that is haunting me? Is there any reality to it?"
One does question that, and one, having glimpsed the reality, the direction of one's movement is towards wholeness, towards that truth which never changes. So all my movement then becomes different compared to my movement when the Awakening had not happened.
Now listen to my words: I'm not saying that the person awakens. The person does not awaken; the person personality, the separateness, is part of the illusion. Awakening happens; the person does not become awakened. After Awakening, there is no desire for the person to improve as such.
All that is happening is the mind just moving in different directions and seeing where the peace is. Ultimately, the Deliverance is when the mind realizes that all movement is futile. I have tried to make my life happy by changing all the environment variables around me, yet the happiness is not there.
I tried to get the best job. I tried to get the best partner. I tried to pacify my parents, my relatives. I tried to have a good social standing. I tried to have a good bank balance, good car, good home. But none of that gave me happiness. Now what?
So, you know, you see the illusoriness of all these structures. Yes, the mind habitually still tries to go in that direction, but then it also knows that it's futile. That's not going to give me happiness.
So what happens ultimately? The mind becomes quiet. It becomes quieter. It learns to be here and now, and in here and now, in this moment, there is no mind, there is no person. All there is is consciousness, and that is the final understanding. Consciousness is peace.
So before Awakening, the depression or the sadness, or whatever you want to call it, I call it stress too, or this stress before Awakening is more self-oriented. After Awakening, it is still self-oriented, but then that self is not so concrete anymore. The separation is not so concrete anymore, and one does get glimpses of absolute unconditional love every now and then.
But yes, one does experience heightened emotions too because the conscious mind has become restful after Awakening. So whatever comes out from the unconscious, it comes out in full intensity, with full clarity. You experience the highs of the highs and the lows of the lows.
That's why they say that people after Awakening suffer more than people before Awakening. But the pull of the truth is so strong that there is no choice. If Awakening happened, the Deliverance is going to happen too, and nothing needs to be done other than just simply observing whatever is happening.
In that observation alone, the truth will be revealed rather than you trying to do anything to expedite your spiritual progress, quote-unquote spiritual progress. No, that will perpetuate more suffering. Nothing needs to be done other than allow life processes to bring about Deliverance.
In the end, the goal is not Enlightenment. The goal is not to become awakened. The goal is simply to be at peace, irrespective of whatever is happening around. It doesn't mean that we will not experience emotions. Human emotions are a part of human existence.
All emotions will happen even after Awakening, even after Deliverance, but they will not be getting caught up in them. So Deliverance is the end of "me" and my story, the story that I live with in my mind.
Before Awakening, when one experiences sadness, stress, depression, whatever you want to call it, the story is dominant. The story is like, "No, my life has to be like this. It has to be like that. I will not be happy unless the conditions that I demand from life are met." That is what the ego puts forth: "I will be happy only when conditions as I believe should happen." Only then will I be happy.
But after Awakening, this sense of separate self is already loosened, and now it's slowly, slowly becoming faded out. So it says, "I can be happy even if the conditions around me are not ideal."
So life becomes more spontaneous, more simplified. It doesn't become easy. Simple is not easy. Life will be tough because we have to still deal with old age, pain, disease, decay, death, natural calamities. We have to deal with all of that.
But there will be no suffering around it. There will be painful moments every now and then. There will be painful expressions emerging out of the biological organism after Awakening, but there will be no getting caught up in anything because it will be understood that everything is happening as per cosmic law—a law that my human mind, my human intellect cannot decode.
All it can do is to accept the cosmic law, and that itself is peace. That brings peace; that ends the Dark Night of the Soul.
So I hope the question is answered. Thank you. All have a nice day.