Transcription
You're a father. I'm not a father yet, but I hope to be. I've got three little nieces; my brother's had three—two little nieces and one nephew. My brother's a year older than me and he's had three kids already, so I've got some catching up to do. But as I'm progressing towards this season of life, one of the things I think about, having met you, is how to raise healthy brains. Like, what parenting style is going to make sure that my kids have very healthy brains? There's so much conversation about parenting styles. Some people say just let them do whatever they want to do; some people say be an authoritarian and put rules in place. I'm wondering, from the perspective of someone who scanned 260,000 brains, how do you raise a perfect brain?
Well, one, you get rid of the idea that you're going to raise a perfect brain. Okay? Because there's a little OCD in there. The first thing you do is you have goals for yourself: what kind of parent do you want to be, and what kind of child do you want to raise? For me, I want to be present, kind, and effective. And for my kids, I want them to be mentally strong and resilient, and I want them to feel good about themselves. Then you bond with them. You want to be a good dad. Bonding requires two things: time—actual physical time—and listening. So, time: I have an exercise I love so much called "special time." Twenty minutes a day, do something with your child that *your* child wants to do. And during that time, no commands, no questions, no directions—just time to bond. The most important thing to children is time with their parents. People are busy; it doesn't have to be a lot. But if you do that 20 minutes a day, it's money in the relational bank.
So my first literary agent, I think he was 42 when he had his first child, and he's like, "My daughter, she's two, Laura, never wants to be with me. I come home, she completely ignores me. She just wants her mother; she wants nothing to do with me." That's because she's a girl, right? Like, absolutely not, Carl! You're ignoring her! What do you mean I'm ignoring her? I said you're ignoring her! Do this. And I told him about special time. And he's like, "That won't work." I'm like, "Negativity bias!" I'm like, "Oh great, you represent an idiot—you represent *me*—and you're telling me it won't work?" I said, "Do this; it works." And I'm going to call you in three weeks. So I wrote it in my appointment book—we had appointment books back then—and three weeks later, I called him. Carl? It's Daniel. Daniel! She won't leave me alone! All she wants to do is be with me. As soon as I get home, she grabs my leg and wants her time. I'm like, "I told you it works! It works!" Time, actual physical time, and then shut up and listen. This is so important. Parents are awful at listening. You've heard of active listening? Yeah. So active listen. It's like so simple. Child says something; before you give your two cents, just repeat it back and sort of listen to the feelings behind the words. "I want to have blue hair." I know what my dad would have said: "I want to have blue hair? No way in hell! As long as you live in my house, you can't have blue hair!" But what does that do? It just shuts down the conversation or starts a fight. Like, "Oh, you want to have blue hair?" And then just be quiet. And then the child might say, "Everyone's doing that." My dad would say, "I don't care what anyone else is doing; as long as you live in this house, you're not going to have blue hair." If they're going to jump off a cliff, are you going to go with them? Not helpful. Sounds like you want to be like the other kids. And then he might say, "Sometimes I feel like I don't fit in," which is really the conversation you want to have. And my mother would have said, "Of course you fit in! You're a good boy; you're a good-looking boy!" And that's not helpful either. It's just helpful to listen.
If you have time and you have listening, you bond. And then the kids tend to pick your values because they're bonded. And then when they make a mistake, don't rescue them. Today, parents do way too much for their children, and they steal their self-esteem. I often say, if you do too much for your kids, you build your self-esteem by stealing theirs. And you're going to be tempted because you're going to have such love for them; you don't want them to hurt. And that's a mistake, because character is built through struggle. Character and self-esteem are built by feeling competent—you can solve problems. So when a child says, "Um...bored," rather than, "Well, we could do this, or we could do that, or we could do this," go, "I wonder what you're going to do about it?"
In terms of diet and lifestyle, am I right in thinking it's pretty obvious here: sugar, chemicals, toxins—these kinds of things are really, really bad for the child's brain? Is there anything non-obvious that we do to our children's brains? Well, I think the most important thing is you model the message. Okay? So what you do...and there's a reason that all of the sugar-poison cereals are on the bottom two aisles or the bottom two rows, because that's where children can see them and they're like, "Mommy, I want this!" And I always want you to remember this rule, and I want you to consider sharing it with your children: if you have a tantrum to get your way, the answer is no. It's *always* going to be no. Go for it! I'm dead serious. We teach people how to treat us by what we tolerate. We train children to be bad by what we pay attention to. So I think that's always been a very effective rule for me: if you have a fit, the answer is no. It's always going to be no. And I'm not going to be phased if you do. But what if they do it in a store? It's like, you want long-term pain or short-term pain? Short-term pain is not giving into the tantrum. And there'll probably be a consequence when you come home from acting like that.
So are you saying to ignore the tension? It's like, I'm not giving in. Have fun with it! I am not giving in. We're at a friend's house, and you have a fit? Well, one, there's going to be a consequence when you come home. I don't know what it is, but I'm going to think about it. It's such a great line that in my book, *Raising Mentally Strong Kids*, we have lots of great lines for parents, and it's, "I don't know what the consequence is, but I'm going to think about it." Just to increase their anxiety about it, because we want them thinking about their behavior and, like, in life, the consequences to bad behavior. We want them to think about what that might be. Might that stray into neglect when they get—they express their emotions, though? For example, if my kid's in a supermarket screaming and crying, "Daddy, give me this!" and I just always ignore them, are they going to be raised to be like neglected children or something?
Well, if you do it in the context of special time and active listening, and I think rules are important—like, tell the truth, put away things that you take out, we treat each other with respect, do what I ask the first time—it's one of my favorite rules. It prevents the kids from like going on and on about being oppositional. There's no way they're going to feel like you're not listening and you're ignoring them. But if they're acting inappropriately, you want—you want to not give into it and to have a significant conversation and consequence. This is the most crazy stat you'll ever hear: 93.3% of you that watch this channel frequently haven't yet hit the subscribe button. So if you liked this clip and if you like what we do here, please can you do me a favor and hit that subscribe button? And in return, I promise you I will do everything I can from now until forever to make this channel better and better and better. Thank you.