Transcription
I'm tired of this. I'm done with you, the miserable. Oh, don't sell no wedding, no witty. Oh true, when I say when true, and I say we're true. Bonnie morning, darling.
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It just seems so strange, the two of you separating. You're like two peas in a pod. This piece could be horribly cruel to each other. I really can't see us getting back together this time.
Did you stay at the stag party after we left? You didn't sleep with that man you brought to the party?
No, I did not sleep with that man. I still can't believe Stuart's behavior last night. Well, we're through, Astro. You always said it wouldn't last, and you were right.
I never said that.
You said it with your eyes.
What the hell is wrong with you? You've been acting strangely all morning. You didn't get back together with Chloe last night, did you?
No, that's not what happened last night.
Are you sure?
I'm not really sure about anything anymore.
Oh please, ask Stuart where he would be staying this evening since he is no longer welcome to stay at my flat.
Stuart, where are you going to stay tonight?
Would you tell Freddie that I won't be inconveniencing him any longer and I will be moving upstairs with you?
You're going to stay with me?
Now that you insist.
Yes, Freddie, please be staying with me.
Well, I hope you like the sound of someone coughing phlegm into a tissue from midnight till 6:00 a.m.
Staying with that?
Perhaps I can stay with you, darling. I'm having some work done on my flat. They say it's riddled with asbestos. Apparently, I shouldn't even be alive.
And of course, you couldn't stay with me. VY and I want you to think of yourself as a guest.
So, Ash, it looks like I'll be right below you and you'll be on top of me.
With you two, sadly, you're all alone and broken up, and you might never find anybody ever again.
Come on, let's go home.
Oh God, tell me I'm still pretty.
Ready? Tea's ready.
After 50 years of Stuart's high-pitched octave-defying squeaks, it's so refreshing to finally be summoned to tea by a man's voice.
Thank you.
What are you wearing? Is that one of Stuart's old blouses?
Well, it looks better on you.
Your compliments are very confusing.
I've been thinking, now that I'm single again, I should start dating somebody age-appropriate, of course. Say 35-ish. Nobody over 40, that would be revolting.
Well, if you're really serious, I can always introduce you to someone.
But don't you only know scumbags and degenerates?
I believe so.
You'll let this brew too long. I like it exactly three minutes.
Did you use the timer?
No.
When I see, that's why it's undrinkable. Would you pour that down the drain for me, please?
Of course, let me just have my tea first.
Yes, you take your time there.
Why don't I do it now?
As you wish.
You know what might be an amusing thing for you to do?
Buy what?
Make me a proper cup of tea. And I also left a list of chores for you to do on the kitchen table whenever you get around to it.
All right, darling.
What a dick.
I've made you some tea, but if you want to keep texting your friends while I sit here staring up the wall like an idiot...
So, um, how long do you think you'll be staying? Not that it hasn't been super having you here to get back on my feet.
Okay, a year at most. I hope to get back on just one foot.
I should start dating again.
You don't know anybody, do you? And age doesn't matter. It's only a number.
The guy who comes into the coffee shop where I work, he's really sweet. I think he's in his seventies.
Well, you're in your seventies.
Yes, but I look 50.
Have you spoken to Freddie? I wonder how he's doing with Violet. Not that I care.
Avians, actually. What about Violet? Have you seen her?
See Violet? Well, what are you talking about?
Wouldn't behave so oddly every time I mentioned Violet.
That'll behave oddly. Then you try to confuse me by changing the subject.
And he totally looked 50, by the way.
I was just saying some friends you the day.
I hope when I'm Stuart's age, I look like amazing.
Really? What friends? Do I know them? And what did they say?
Show them a picture, and they're like, "He looks 40."
No, I totally forgotten what people talking about.
Yeah, so by when you all at work today, would you mind if I made a few tiny tweaks around the flat?
I guess that would be okay.
Yeah, you wouldn't even notice, I promise.
Stupid, what did you do to my flat?
Excuse me if I'm a bit thrown because I was expecting...
Finally creating a home. I'm getting rid of all my old crap.
You have to put it back to the way it was.
Excuse me, normally right now I'd storm into another room, but since there isn't one, I'm going to storm him for dinner.
Oh, help me, darling.
But look, we'll talk about it later.
But we have to...
Talking? Doing that?
No one, just the dog.
It's uncanny. He has the hearing of a bat.
I know what you mean.
What was that?
Nothing.
We have to meet, but after Freddy's gone to sleep. He only lets me leave to go food shopping.
How are things there?
Stuart, stammer, fly into the Victoria and Albert Museum.
He's coming. I'll text you location.
Don't respond to it. He checks my phone.
I heard you talking to someone.
It wasn't Stuart.
Neve, tolling.
Hmm, good. It was only Balthazar.
See, I was brushing him like you asked.
No, he's completely bald now.
At Unist, find out if they make dog wigs.
Dog wigs? And when am I going to receive a typed menu for tonight's supper to approve?
Soon, darling, I hope.
Sir, I'd hate to think you were taking advantage of my hospitality.
Hello, darling. We need to talk.
No, why dress Lara?
This seemed like an occasion that called for extra drama.
So what exactly happened between us the other night?
Nothing, right?
You don't remember?
Not really.
Do you?
Every detail. I remember being with Chloe and you with your boyfriend, and we were all drinking, and I never went home, and it was just the two of us.
Ambolyn, we kept drinking and drinking.
Here, I know we're laughing.
There's nothing wrong with laughing.
And then we were...
Oh God, do you want me to pick it up from there?
Time?
No, I'm not going to tell anybody, Ash.
What happened between us shouldn't have happened twice.
Oh God, this doesn't have to change anything between us.
We need never even talk about it again.
Okay, you are very caring and attentive.
I just want you to know that.
Thanks.
Yes, sir, and our friendship can go back to the way it was before us.
Sure, good.
Well, I suppose we should get to the business at hand.
I don't have long. Freddie really monitors my comings and goings.
Stuart, I shouldn't say this, but he's really starting to get on my nerves.
Please, I spent most of the day fantasizing about knocking Freddie unconscious with a fire extinguisher.
What are we going to do?
We have to find a way to get them back together again.
But how?
I'm not sure yet.
Let's think.
Did you think of it?
No, I just remembered something you did with your tongue.
I can't believe this is the first blind date I've ever been on. If I waited any longer, I'd actually be blind.
So you've met this man again, and he was buying a Frappuccino at Starbucks?
Frappuccino? So he's rich, and I'm certain you like him.
Did you tell Stuart I was going on a date?
I did.
And what did the little turd say?
It was dying of jealousy.
Oh wait, he hasn't started dating too, has he?
What's my sex?
Of course, stuff. A very specialized fetish.
How many people are into men over 70 who look like turtles?
I'll leave you here, darling.
Thank you.
And now would you mind going home and cook a meal for dinner?
I guess this turns out to be a complete disaster.
Thank you.
I'm sorry, Freddie. I think I'm going to be moving back to my flat.
But I thought you said there's best, Joss?
No, what's killing you?
Yes, well at least yes, Vestas is doing it more slowly.
Oh this, I haven't been on a date since 1963, and that was in an alleyway.
Love, this'll be nicer.
Yeah, but it's legal for one thing, so it's already nicer.
I think you're going to like him. He's a friend of a friend, and I hear he's very good-looking.
Maybe he's a model.
Did you tell Freddie you'd set me up on a blind date?
Oh yeah, I was really torn about it.
It's a hood.
I hope you cried.
Okay, Maria, if I'm not enjoying myself, I'll text you, and you can come and get me and say you're my boyfriend.
Kind of seems somebody else with anybody else.
All right, ex-boyfriend.
Well, here we go, darling.
Freddy's already in there.
I hope this works.
Not sure if I can stand another night of him getting up to pee 15 times.
The reason it was just slept on the toilet.
Take us out for some Chinese food.
I'm kind of just going to go.
Oh, I'm really tired.
Oh, it's been a long day.
Well, I'll see you around.
Okay, yeah, yeah, of course, darling.
Hello, I'm meeting somebody here.
Of course, by this way.
Is he a model?
Look, don't tell me. I want to describe.
Oh, you've got to be me.
He's definitely not a marginal.
I bet you might not look deep, Stuart.
Yes, so am I.
Well, mine's going to be here in a minute, so you should just get out of here.
I am the date, you idiot.
Barker, Violet and Ash must have arranged.
They believe that you will die on a date.
What's altering the same thing as complete additions have purchased me?
I'm leaving.
Oh, don't be ridiculous.
No cure now.
Much will stir a bit, maybe for a few minutes.
So it's hearth experience living with Ash.
It's all feed perfectly. Never happier.
And things with Violet don't wonderful.
I accidentally saw her naked, which was a bit of a fright, but a lot of big news.
I'm glad to hear it.
And how's Balthazar?
Have you been putting this little oxygen mask on?
And of course, he misses you.
I miss him too.
We are talking.
Oh, dare you interrupt us like that?
You do that to someone?
Good scandalous.
Maybe we should call the manager.
Please, it's my first day.
Well, you should have thought of that before you came battling over here like a lunatic.
I'm sorry, an assortment of free starters might help smooth things over.
Okay, what would you like?
Surprises.
Stop up.
That was fun tormenting the waiter.
Has made me realize how much I miss us.
Miss you.
I miss you too.
Why were we fighting?
I don't know.
That's what you knew.
Not really, I suppose the wedding started bringing up strange feelings.
I just hope it doesn't change what we have.
We've been together for 50 years.
Is that all discounted now because we can get married?
It's all so confusing.
Well, I know one thing that is not abusive, Stuart.
How I feel about you.
What do you say?
Is the wedding back on?
All right, not bad.
Nothing would make me happier, Church, than to make you my wife.
Husband.
Well, hello, darling.
I have something to tell you, and then I'll be off.
Is everything okay?
Nothing happened.
Excuse me?
Nothing happened between us.
It didn't?
No, what thought I put you to bed?
Nothing more, really.
Really?
I was teasing you.
I'm sorry.
I really, I'd be Violet.
Oh God, I totally believed you.
No, Ash, it's been a year of challenges.
My husband left me, and well, you're very dear to me, and I wouldn't want anything to get in the way of that.
I would neither.
Oh, I should go.
No, no, don't go.
I'll order some Chinese food.
I'd like that, Josh.
We have a drink?
Perhaps that's not the best idea.
Yes, you're probably right.
Perhaps a tiny one couldn't hurt.
The bottles.
Hello, mother.
I wanted to tell you Freddie and I are getting married.
Yes, we can get married now.
I don't know if we still go to hell.
I think they might have changed that too.
Yes, what a world indeed.
Yeah, talk to the kitchen.
Still stinks of Violet's cheap perfume.
Poor Balthazar smells like the inside of a prostitute's handbag.
Flat back together.
I can't believe you were ever gone.
How long was it anyway?
A day longer.
Oh, I threw out your clothes because I was angry.
They're in the rubbish bin along with all photos of you and most of your personal effects.
Welcome back.
Yes, I'm back.
Oh, mother, I just moved in this week.
I can't wait for you to see it.
No, I have a flatmate.
His name is Freddie.
He's the sweetest man you'll ever meet, with a kind word for everyone.
Now I know you want me to get married.
Don't worry, I will.
It just might take a bit of time.
Yes, I promise I'll call every day.
Kisses.
Say hello.
When am I going to get to meet her?
I'm sure I love her.
Oh, you will.
I just know it.
She wants me to get married.
Isn't that sweet?
So then you haven't told her about us?
Not yet.
Next time I talk to her.
Well, you'll have to tell her you're never getting married to it.
Don't say never, Freddie.
Anything can happen.
After all, you're going to be a famous actor, and I'm going to be something amazing.
You already are.
I think I'll pop the kettle on.
Oh no, let me get it.
I don't need to feel you have to wait on me.
No, I like getting your tea.
Will we always be this happy?
Forever and ever.
Oh, and not so much sugar in it this time.
Okay, right.
Maybe you should make it yourself then.
You say something?
I just heard a hissing lisp as if her homosexual balloon was slowly leaking air.
Well, you would be the expert on things that are filled with air.
Listen to us.
What are we doing?
I have no idea.
I'm so sorry.
I swear we'll never do that again.
I swear.
Hmm, still waiting on that tea.
Tick-tock.
Right, of course.
See what an...
I heard that.
What are you still doing down there?
Did you, one of your spindly bones snap on the way out?
This day...
All right, shut up.
Plant coming.
I think Ash screwed Violet, testing their skill, nerve, and determination.
But will anyone be able to beat the mighty key?
The new series continues Wednesday at 8:00.
Coming up tonight with some of the weird and wonderful bits from the news, Jason Manford here with...
It's been a funny old week.
Next.
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