Transcription
[Laughter] [Music] [Music]
Foreign [Music] [Music]
I try not to.
Well, you need help.
Sure [Music].
Would you like to tell us what the hell that was all about?
I don't like goodbyes.
Kind of the point of a goodbye party. Tom went to a certain amount of trouble, you know. Could at least eat a few minutes, huh? Eating some of the food we so feverishly prepared.
I apologize, Harry.
Why are you moving so quickly? You only resigned a couple of days ago. You got the history chair at Stanford.
I wish.
Well, taquitos, chicken wings, roasty toasties, and beer. If we'd had more time, we'd have done something a little more grandiose. Candlelight dinner at McDonald's? Strippers?
Chiquitos are fine.
That Art's gonna be alarmed too. He's, uh, talking to a student.
Is George taking over for you?
George or Trimble is the dean.
Made up his mind?
He hasn't called.
My God! What is this? It looks like a van Gogh, but I've never seen it before. Is that an original, Tom?
No, it's just a gift someone gave me.
Still, it's a superb copy. A contemporaneous, I think.
May I take a closer look, please?
Yeah, yeah. It's the same stretchers Van Gogh used.
Yeah, there's a writing on the back. It's in French.
Oh, to my friend Jacques Bourne. I wonder who that was.
Someone he knew, I guess.
Brilliant deduction, Sherlock.
Surely you'll have this looked at, appraised?
Well, maybe sometime, but I, uh, wouldn't really want money for it.
That does it. Put that stuff in the kitchen.
No, I'm gonna put it in the bathroom.
John, gas is off, electricity's on.
It comes the way you can.
The furniture is going this afternoon.
It's been years since I sat on the floor.
I can't remember her name.
That's good for the back.
Can we do yoga exercises?
Tantric yoga weekend?
So you're leaving good old We Teach You rather suddenly, you must admit.
True, Tom.
John, is there a problem?
Come on, you know we want to help.
It's appreciated, but really, there's no problem.
Well, now I am curious. Where are you going?
Giving up tenure, a decade of professorship, in line to chair the department, and you don't know where you're going?
Call it cabin fever. After a while, I get itchy feet.
I've done this before.
I don't know. You're too young to have done this before.
And he hasn't aged a day in 10 years.
Every woman on the faculty would give anything to have that secret.
Is that what they're after?
Eating?
Oh, stop, Harry.
Oh, can you pull this? [Music]
Here, mostly around Big Bear. Bow and arrow. Those people can't bag a deer for right from the telescopic side.
[Music]
Oh, good. Eating the best wild game lives naturally, eats naturally.
So I'm gonna get an A for awesome.
Oh my gosh, that's fun.
Hey, John, you know Linda? You had her last semester.
All right, she's one of my victims now. I'm taking her home. She wanted to come by and say hello.
Goodbye.
His artist's tough is out here.
Oh, archaeology is tough. Dr. Jenkins is a fine teacher.
Oh, it's very politic.
It's very true.
Something for you to read on the road.
Bro, Shadows of the Cave are parallels to Early Man. Arthur M. Jenkins, publisher Parish.
I'd rather read than write another one, thank you.
Hi, oh, everybody, this is Linda. Linda, this is everybody.
Linda, hi.
So where are you going, John?
Like we give a damn.
We've already covered that. John's got itchy feet.
There are over-the-counter remedies for that, John.
So there is a problem?
No, I just like to move on now and then. It's a personal thing.
Well, not to pry, I'm sorry I don't have more to offer.
You got conversations, some seats for your behinds.
And, uh, is he ducking out on us again?
I do have this.
Oh, Johnny Walker Green. I didn't even know they made it in green.
What do they pay you?
Nothing's too good for my friend.
I'm sorry, we are down to plastic cups now.
It's a sacrilege I'll tolerate.
I will do the honors.
Oh, come to Papa.
Who here cups?
Here we go. Step on in here.
All right, there you go, birthday boy.
Here we go.
Excuse me, Art, right now.
Oh no, I don't drink.
We're not gonna carve you, darling.
All right, here, join the circle at least. Come on.
Well, long life and good fortune to our esteemed friend and colleague, John Oldman.
May he find undeserved place wherever he goes.
You're here. [Music]
Oh, that's good, John.
We're all sorry to see you go, truly.
Okay, now we're done with that. What do we do for the rest of the afternoon?
Anyone got a good topic?
Like this?
Maybe.
What is that?
It's a bearing.
It's a parrot beak incline.
Choose a point, probably early Magdalene.
Here, may I see that?
Sure.
Yes, indeed, that's what it is.
What's a burn?
A burn is a flint tool for grooving wood and bone antlers, especially to make spear and harpoon points.
Magdalenians weren't noted for flint work, so this is a very nice specimen.
Okay, what's a Magdalenian?
A later Cro-Magnon.
Without getting technical, it's the final culture of the Upper Paleolithic.
Stones could speak.
Okay, so where'd you get that?
Done, believe it or not, from a thrift shop.
A quarter?
You lucky dog.
Me? I gotta go digging for this kind of stuff.
Maybe I'm glad you did this.
Did what?
You mean come over?
Maybe definitely.
Gee, thanks.
Oh, so are we.
So are we.
We couldn't let you just run off.
Thanks, John.
What is up?
Are you on America's Most Wanted?
We won't turn you in.
Yeah, come on, out with it. You're among friends. Snoopy friends.
Forget it.
You are creating a mystery here. Obviously, you have something you'd like to say.
Say it.
Maybe I...
Ten, nine, eight, seven.
Harry, stop.
There is something I'm tempted to tell you.
I think I've never done this before.
I wonder how it would pan out.
I wonder if I could ask you a silly question.
Well, John, we're teachers. We answer silly questions all the time.
Hey, what if a man from the Upper Paleolithic survived until the present day?
What do you mean, survived? Never die?
Yes.
What would it be like?
Well, I know some guys.
You ever been to the Ozarks?
It's an interesting idea.
What are you working on, a science fiction story?
Say I am.
What would he be like?
Pretty tired.
Well, seriously, is Art's book title suggests he might be like any of us.
Damn, a caveman.
Well, there's no anatomical difference between, say, a Cro-Magnon and us, except that as a rule, we've grown taller.
What's the selective advantage of height?
Better to see predators in tall grass, my dear.
That's a little tall and skinny.
Yeah, it radiates heat more effectively in warmer climates.
And as for Neanderthals, I mean, we've all seen apish people.
I mean, that's strange.
Still with us, but he'd be a caveman.
No, he wouldn't.
John's hypothetical man would have lived through 140 centuries.
Yeah, roughly, and changed if every one of them.
I mean, assuming normal intelligence.
But we think men of the Upper Paleolithic were as intelligent as we are.
They just didn't know as much.
But John's man would have learned, as a race learned.
In fact, if he had an inquiring mind, his knowledge might be astonishing.
If you do write that, let me have a look at it.
I'm sure you'll make some anthropological partners deal.
What would keep him alive?
What does the biologist say?
Cigarettes and ice cream.
All right, all right, I'll play.
I'll play.
All right, um, in science fiction terms, I would say perfect regeneration of the body's cells, especially in the vital organs.
Actually, the human body appears designed to live about 190 years.
Most of us just die as slow poisoning.
Maybe he did something right.
Something everybody else in history done wrong.
But like eat the food, drink the water, and breathe the air.
And prior to modern times, those were pristine.
I have extended our lifespan in a world that's, um, not fit to live in.
You know what could happen?
Yeah, the pancreas turns over cells every 24 hours.
The stomach lining in three days.
The entire body in seven years.
But the process falters, waste accumulates, eventually proves fatal to function.
Now, if a quirk in his immune system led to perfect detox, perfect renewal, then yeah, he could duck decay.
That's a secret we'd all love to have.
What do you really want to do that?
Live 14,000 years?
Well, if I could stay healthy and I, you know, I didn't age, I mean, why not?
Yeah, yeah, what a chance to learn.
Is anyone hungry?
Yeah, you know, the more I think about it, yeah, it's possible.
Anything is possible, right?
After all, one century's magic, another century science.
They thought Columbus was a nut job, right?
Pasteur, Copernicus, Aaron Starkas long before that.
I had a chance to sail with Columbus, only I'm not the adventurous type.
What, I was pretty sure the Earth was round, but at that point, I still thought he might fall off an edge someplace.
Look around, John.
We just did.
I suppose there's a joke in there somewhere, but I don't get it.
There's nothing to get.
Well, what are we talking about?
We were just talking about a caveman who survives until the present time, as you said.
What a chance to learn.
Once I learned to learn.
Did you start the whiskey before we got here?
Pretend it's my inspection.
Figure it out.
Okay, yeah, very old Cro-Magnon living until the depressed.
What John just confided to that he's 14,000 years old.
Oh, John, you don't look a day over 900.
Okay, all right, Spock, I'll play your little game.
What do you want?
What's up?
Punchline every 10 years or so when people start to notice I don't age, I move on.
Quick, John, I want to read that story when you're done.
You want more?
Oh yeah, by all means, this is great.
All right, now [Music].
So you think that you are a Cro-Magnon?
Well, I didn't learn it in school.
It's my best guess based on archaeological data, maps, anthropological research since Mesopotamia.
I've got the last 4,000 years straight.
Well, you're ahead of most people, so, uh, please go on.
Well, you know the background stuff, so I'll make it brief.
In what I call my first lifetime, I aged to about 35.
What you see, I ended up leading my group.
They saw me as magical.
I didn't even have to fight for it.
Then fear came and chased me away.
And they thought that I was stealing their lives away to stay young.
The prehistoric origin of the vampire myth.
That is good for a thousand years.
I didn't know up from sideways.
How do you know the first thousand years?
An informed guess based on what I've learned in my memories.
Most people can scarcely remember their childhood, but you have memories of that time like yours selected.
You know the high points, the low points, traumas.
They stick in the mind forever.
Put down a 3 or 35, you still feel a twitch.
I kept getting chased because I wouldn't die, so I got to hang, joining new groups.
I found I also got the idea of periodically moving on.
It was semi-nomadic, of course, following the weather and the game we hunted.
First two thousand years were cold.
We learned it was warmer in lower elevations.
Late glacial piercing, what was the terrain line?
Mountainous fast plains to the west.
West, that was something you learned in school.
Towards the setting sun, I suspect I saw the British Isles from what is now the French coast.
Huge mountains on the other side of an enormous deep valley that was shadowed by the setting sun.
This is before they were separated from the continent by rising seas as glaciers melted.
That happened as the end of the place to sin.
You know, so far what he says fits.
I'll get it into any textbook.
And that's where I found it.
How can I have knowledgeable recall if I didn't have knowledge?
It's all retrospective.
All I can do is integrate my recollections with modern findings.
Caveman, he's gonna hit me over the head with the club and drag me into the bedroom.
Be more fun conscious.
Oh yeah, let me get this straight.
Now we're not talking about reincarnation.
You're not saying that you remember whatever the hell would be 200 separate lifetimes, die, and then being born again one last time.
Some lifetime.
Oh wow, well maybe there is some to this reincarnation thing.
You're supposed to come back again and again, learn and learn.
And somehow, John, you just managed to bypass all the other bodies.
Well, what's the point?
What about oceans?
Didn't see them till much later.
So how would you know an ocean from a lake?
Big waves.
Something else I can only surmise in retrospect.
Were you curious about where it all came from?
We would look up at the sky and wonder.
There's got to be some big guys up there.
Anyone else made all this down here?
At first, I thought there was something wrong with me.
Maybe I was a bad guy for not dying.
Then I began to wonder if I was cursed or perhaps blessed.
And I thought maybe I had a mission.
You still think you do?
God works in mysterious ways.
I think that just happened.
Wow, hello.
What's wrong?
Sandy coming?
Yeah, do we have Ellie's midterm here?
Yeah, sorry, I picked it up with the periodicals.
Got it.
No, you're worried about your parents?
Don't worry, you passed. C plus.
Take care of yourself.
Good kid.
What is praying about the end with history?
John, please come continue.
Come on, I thought we were done with that.
No, let's go on with it.
It's interesting.
Besides, I think he's making a certain amount of sense, right?
Like, hey, go logic from absurd premises.
That van Gogh?
Oh, he gave it to me.
I was, uh, Jacques Bourne at the time, a pig farmer.
A pig farmer?
I like to work with my hands.
He would come out to the place, paint, and we talked about capturing nature and art.
Turner, Suzanne Bizarro on the Northern Landscapes.
Not a mango's time.
Oh, he would have loved them though.
Yes, well, I don't understand why you can't remember where you're from.
Geography hasn't changed.
I learned that in professional Professor Henson's step at lectures.
But you're right.
Where did you live when you were five years old?
Little Rock.
Your mother, she took you to the market.
What direction was it from your house?
I don't know.
How far?
Um, three blocks.
Were there any references that stuck in your mind?
Well, there was a gas station and a big field.
I was told I could never go there alone.
If you went back there today, would it be the same?
No, sure, it's all different and built up.
That's the saying, you can't go home again because it isn't there anymore.
Pictured on my scale, I migrated through an endless flat space full of endless new things.
Forests, mountains, tundra, canyons.
My memory sees what I saw then.
My eye sees freeways, urban sprawl, Big Macs under the Eiffel Tower.
Early on, the world got bigger and bigger.
And then think what I've had to unlearn, learn.
And now you're moving on, as you've said.
This talk of mine, not aging, when that happens, I move on.
Well, it might make sense to set up your next identity, your next 10 years, and then just drop into it.
I've done that a few times.
Even past is my own son.
Oh, you're an engineer too?
You're Ben's son.
He was a good man.
Saves trouble with credentials and references.
On the other hand, I've been busted a few times.
Spent a year in jail, Belgium, 1862.
I won't forget that for faking a government application.
When did you come to America?
1890, right after Van Gogh's death with some French immigrants.
Moving on.
An answer for every question except one, John.
Why are you doing this?
Oh, maybe not such a good idea.
I wanted to say goodbye to you as me, not what you thought I was.
Well, since this isn't funny, we think you might have a problem.
A very serious problem.
I've got boxes to move.
I'll give you a hand.
Would you have some relic, an artifact, reminded of your early life like this?
Maybe thrift shop.
Really?
If you lived a hundred, a thousand years, what do you still have?
This?
What would cause you to keep it?
There's a memento to your beginnings.
Even if you didn't have the concept at the beginning, it would be gone, lost.
No, I don't have artifacts.
Keep that interesting.
You could have lied about that.
Don't talk about me while I'm gone.
Thank you.
Is he serious?
If he is, I'm sorry to say he's...
Oh, how could you?
He doesn't appear to be dangerous.
What are you doing?
Checking for a hidden mic?
Candid camera?
He's fabricating these stories.
I've never seen him acting like this.
Oh, it's crazy.
All right, all right.
Well, as soon as you can then.
Ah, I love you.
You know, I know since my first week at the office, and I care very much about you.
But now you know what you're beginning into.
Do you really think you're a caveman?
Do you think you could love me?
Don't you believe in that anymore?
I've gotten over too many times.
Fond of you, certainly attracted to you.
That's it.
I can work with that.
What I'm saying is true.
You and any children will age.
I won't.
And one day I'll leave.
About your May-December romances, the simple fact is I can't give you forever.
How long's forever?
Whoever really has it?
My parents split up before I was born, and then my mom's next marriage, that lasted what, a whole three years?
Then there's death, illness, acts of God.
No one knows how long they have or how little.
I love you.
Take whatever you can give, like 10 years.
Oh, why did you do that?
I want to see how fast you were.
Check your reflexes.
I don't have eyes in the back of my head.
I can't hear a flea walking.
I am not in any way Superman.
Yeah, well, I'm a second-degree black belt.
Give it another thousand years.
Yeah, I got it, I got it.
Jesus, move demonstration.
Harry, sit on it.
Dan, I still have questions.
Yeah, I do too, John.
I mean, are we done with prehistory yet?
Or remember any of your original language?
A little.
One thing hasn't changed much.
Did you ever do any cave art?
You know, the rock art delays?
He was the work of a man named Beron.
He did a pretty good job.
He would draw the animals that we hoped to find to eat one day after a fruitless hunt.
Our chief stormed his teeth out because his magic had failed him.
After that, someone had to chew his food for him.
Finally, he got, I suspect, an infected jaw.
He was abandoned.
Awful.
You have to know what to kill.
Is this why all your students say your knowledge of history is so amazing?
No, that's mostly based on study.
Remember, one man, one place at a time.
My solitary viewpoint of a world I knew almost nothing about.
Let's talk about what you say you do know about historical times.
Don't encourage him.
Next few thousand years, it got warmer.
A few thousand years, see now, I know you're guessing.
Can't get there from here?
Well then, pray continue.
We hunted reindeer, mammoths, bison, horses.
The game retreated northward as the climate changed.
You got the idea of growing food rather than gathering it, raising animals rather than hunting them.
And am I getting warm here?
I bet I am.
Lakeside living becomes commonplace, fishing.
Finally, come on, John, this is out of any textbook, even yours.
You got most of it right.
Eventually, I headed to the east.
I grew curious about the world.
I had gotten the hang of going it alone, learning how to fit in when I wanted to ease towards the rising sun.
Yes, I thought it might be warmer there.
That's what I saw in motion, Mediterranean.
Probably it was around the beginning of the Bronze Age.
So I followed the trade routes from the East, copperton, learning languages as I went.
Everywhere, creation myths, new gods, so many, so different.
I finally realized that it was probably all hogwash.
So I was Sumerian for 2,000 years, then finally Babylonian under Hammurabi, great man.
And I sound as a Phoenician for a time.
See, moving on had been easier as a hunter-gatherer.
Difficult when villages emerged.
Tougher still in city-states where authority was centralized.
Strangers were suspect.
Seemed as though I was always moving on.
I learned some new tricks, even faked my death a couple of times.
I continued east to India, luckily at the time of the Buddha.
Luckily, most extraordinary man I've ever known.
He taught me things I'd never thought about before.
You studied with the Buddha until he died?
He knew there was something different about me.
I never told him.
This is fascinating.
I almost wish it were true.
Yeah, if it was true, why are you telling us?
I mean, we might leave here today, we'll go out there, tell everybody they would vanish in disbelief.
Story that goes around the room, no credibility.
Even if I could make you believe me, in a month you wouldn't.
Some of you would call me a psychopath, others would be angry at a pointless joke.
Well, John, some of us are angry now.
This was a bad idea.
I love you all, and I do not want to put you through anything.
Then why are you doing it?
Because I wanted to say goodbye as yourself.
Well, I think you've done that, whoever that self is.
Easy, it is, but just creating his homework.
I see what's going on here, playing the good cop.
Damn, that's fine, just enjoy it.
Right, I think this whole thing is just a crock.
I should leave, but I'm gonna stay.
You know why?
Because I want to see what the hell this is all about.
Yeah, so do I.
What is this all about?
Well, let's ask Dr. Freud, who's just arrived.
Hey, Will.
Well, all right, Sean, I'm glad I caught you.
Someone mentioned that you were leaving.
Claudia told you that I've lost it?
Glad you're here.
Things are going in unexpected directions.
Yes, so, uh, here.
Hi, are you hungry?
Ah, thank you.
Now whiskey, Johnny Walker Green.
Oh yes, you look very familiar, my dear.
Linda Murphy, I'm in your Tuesday Cyclone class, Dr. Gruber.
Ah, well, there's less than maybe something I could not have imagined.
I regret being so obvious about this, John, but these people are all very concerned for you.
Yes, I'm cutting out paper dinosaurs.
I really wish I'd been here from the beginning.
Me too.
And let me just say something right now.
I mean, there's absolutely no way in the whole world for John to prove his story to us.
It's just like there's no way for us to disprove it.
No matter how outrageous we think it is, no matter how highly trained some of us think we are, there's absolutely no way to disprove it.
Our friend is either a caveman liar or not.
So while we're thinking about that, why don't we just go with it?
I mean, hell, who knows?
He might jolt us into believing him, but we might jolt him back to reality.
Believing whose reality?
So you're a caveman?
Yes, uh, I was the Cro-Magnon.
I think you don't know if you're a caveman or not.
Well, no, I'm sure about that.
A Cro-Magnon.
Then when did you first realize this?
When the Cro-Magnon was first identified, when anthropology gave them a name.
I had mine.
Well, please continue.
I'm sure you must have more to say.
Would you like for me to lie on the couch, doctor?
As you wish.
As a physician, I'm curious.
In this enormous lifetime you described, have you ever been ill?
Sure, as much as anyone.
Seriously ill?
Sometime of what?
Do you know in prehistory?
I can't tell you.
Maybe pneumonia once or twice.
Last few hundred years, I've gotten over typhoid, yellow fever, smallpox.
I survived the black plague, bubonic.
Well, that's terrible.
Where Southern history describes and smallpox, but you're not scarred.
I don't scar.
No, John, that is not possible.
Please, let's take John's story at face value and explore it from that perspective.
If he doesn't scar, it's no stranger than the rest of it.
John, would you please stop by my lab before you take off?
Suffer a few tests from your, uh, your friendly neighborhood biologist.
I'm learning of labs.
Afraid I might go in and stay for a thousand years while cigarette-smoking men try to figure me out.
You don't think that I would betray you in any way?
Yeah, walls have ears.
Medical tests might be a way of proving what you say.
I don't want to prove it.
So you're telling us this, the yarn of the century, and you don't care if we believe it or not?
I guess I shouldn't have expected you to.
You're not as crazy as you think I am.
Amen, I've always liked you.
Well, thank you, dear.
Well, that's changing.
Oh, surely you don't believe this nonsense.
I think we should remain courteous to someone who we've known and trusted.
Edith here, you said you can't break his story.
All you can do is thumb your nose at it.
Is that what you're doing, John?
Are you laughing at us inside?
I wish you didn't feel that way.
Well, what you're saying offends common sense.
So does relativity, quantum mechanics.
That's the way nature works.
What's your story doesn't fit into nature as we know it?
But we know so little, Dan.
We know solar.
I mean, how many of you know five geniuses in your field that you disagree with?
One you would like to strangle?
Strangle them?
All right, and it's bad enough we have to listen to Harry's idiotic jokes.
Thank you very much, Edith.
Maybe when I'm 110, I'll be as smart as you are.
If you lived as long as John did, you still wouldn't grow up.
Oh, come on, guys, take it easy.
How often do we get to meet Edith?
All right, a guy with your mind, you would have studied a great deal.
I have 10 degrees, including all of yours except yours.
Well, that makes me feel a trifle little pushery.
Let's start with a span of 170 years.
I got my biology degree at Oxford in 1840.
So I'm a little behind the times.
The same in other answers.
I can't keep up with the new stuff that comes along.
No one can, not even in their specialty.
So much for the myth of the super wise, all-knowing immortal.
Did I see your points on no matter how long a man lives, he can't be in advance of his times?
He can't know more than the best of the race knows.
If that, I mean, when the world under it was around, you learned it.
It took some time.
News traveled slowly before communications were fancy.
There were social obstacles, preconceptions, screams from the church.
Ten doctors, that's impressive.
John, did you teach them some?
You might have all done the same.
Living 14,000 years didn't make me a genius.
I just had time.
You can't see it, you can't hear it, you can't wait.
We can't measure it in a laboratory.
It is those detective sense of becoming what we are instead of what we were a nanosecond ago.
Becoming what we will be in another nanosecond.
The whole BC times landscape existing before and behind us.
And we move, we move through it slice by slice.
Clocks measure time.
Well, they measure themselves.
The objective reference of a clock is another clock.
And very interesting.
What has it got to do with John?
He might be a man who lives outside of time as we know it.
Yes, uh, well, people do go around armed these days.
If I shot you, John, you're immortal, would you survive this?
I never said I was immortal, just old.
I might die, and you could wander the rest of your incarcerated life.
What, you shot?
Oh, may I?
Preferable to a gun.
Well, that was a bit much.
Books, doctorates?
Yes, you have grown and changed, but there is always innate nature.
Wouldn't you be more comfortable squatting in the backyard?
Sometimes I do.
Well, look up at the stars, wonder.
And what did primitive man make of them?
A great mystery.
There were gods up there.
Again, shamans who knew about them told us.
They still do.
Have you ever wished it would end?
No.
14,000 years, injuries, illness, disasters, you've survived them all.
You're a very lucky man.
Come in, Sean Holden.
Yes, charity.
No, we're here to pick up the furniture.
It's all yours.
And here, take this chair.
I'm gonna go drink in the corner.
You're donating it?
Everything.
I'll get more.
You always traveled as life.
It's the only way to move.
Oh, you've talked a good deal about your extraordinary amount of living.
What do you think of dying, John?
Do you fear death?
I wouldn't.
How did primitive man regard death?
We had the practical concept.
He stopped, fell down, didn't get up, started to smell bad, come apart.
Injuries, we could understand.
If someone's insides are all over the ground, infections, they were mysterious.
Aging, biggest mystery of all.
You realize you were different?
Uh, longer to realize how I was different.
To find a way to synthesize my experience into a view of myself.
At first, I thought everybody had something wrong with them.
They got old and they died.
Animals too, but not me.
Oh, forgive me, my dear.
You live simply.
I've owned castles.
But if I leave a lot, if you're always leaving, I have money.
Once you get into AT&T at 50 cents.
John, as one grows older, the days, weeks, months go by more quickly.
What is a day or a year or century mean to you?
The birth-death cycle, turbulence.
I meet someone, want a name, say a word, they're gone.
Others come like waves, rise, fall, ripples in a wheat field blown by the wind.
You ever get tired of it all?
I get bored now and then.
They keep making the same stupid mistakes over and over.
Hey, then you see yourself as separate from the rest of humanity.
I didn't mean it that way, but of course I am.
Are you comfortable knowing that you have lived while everyone you knew, everyone you knew, John, has died?
I've regretted losing people often.
Have you ever felt guilt about that?
Something akin to survivor's guilt?
In the strict psychological sense, I suppose I have, yeah.
What can I do about it?
Indeed, I'm sorry, man.
Gentlemen, I'm gonna keep the couch.
Thanks, ladies.
Will, oh, you've got a heart condition.
Don't grump about it.
Hey, how about changing the subject?
Well, enough with the diet, but this is the flip side of his coin, Harry.
I'm very curious to know his feelings.
Would you prefer I asked him about his father?
I thought you only started with, "Tell me about your mother."
Yes, but prehistory was strongly patriarchal.
Surely you remember your father?
I seem to remember a figure, perhaps an older brother, a social father maybe.
Well, no matter, I could scarcely remember mine.
Do you feel a vacancy in your life about that, John?
Something you wish could be filled by a face, a voice, an image?
Not at this late day.
There must be someone, probably many, that you valued intensely, loved.
You saw them age and die.
A friend, a colleague, a wife?
Certainly you've had wives and children.
I'd move on.
I had to move on.
Making him history is the biggest, biggest.
Have you ever in your life thought it should have been me?
Maybe your artist told me that some of your early fellows feared you were stealing their lives.
Have you thought that perhaps you were?
Perhaps you are?
There have always been legends of such a thing.
A creature not quite human taking not the blood but the life force itself.
My God, Will.
Unconsciously, perhaps by some biological or psychic mechanism that we can only guess at.
I'm not saying you would do such a thing deliberately.
I'm not saying that you would even know how to.
Would you?
But would such a thing be fair?
So you believe me then?
I'm only exploring what you have said.
Whether I believe it or not is of no importance.
We will die, you will live.
Will you come to my funeral, John?
Great, well, you've gone too far.
John didn't ask to be what he is, and we did not ask to hear about it.
But if it were true, is there one among us who would not feel envy, even perhaps a touch of hatred?
You told us of yourself, John.
Can you imagine how we feel?
I never thought of that.
Since you may not die while me, most assuredly will.
There must be a reason for that.
No, perhaps you are an expert.
Um, that's it, Mr. Oldman.
Have a good one.
Thank you, you too.
But are you a vampire, John?
Even an unknowing one?
Do you stand alive and tall in a graveyard that you helped to fill?
That's going too far.
The board, perhaps lonely because your heart cannot keep its treasures?
Is that what you're doing?
Have you led a wrongful life?
Well, and perhaps it is time to die.
I know.
Oh, look, I don't know what John is doing, but I sure as hell don't like what you're doing now.
You give me that gun or I'm gonna break your goddamn arm.
Some like our football coach, Dan.
What do you think, John?
A shot to the arm?
Perhaps he could watch it heal.
A bullet in the head?
What exactly will happen?
I have papers to correct.
As much as I disliked that job, it will be preferable to this.
I leave you with it.
Jesus Christ, what the hell was that all about?
Where'd he get a gun?
We had you on the ropes, John.
You're really so damn smart.
It's not like Will Mary passed away yesterday.
Who?
His wife.
She had, uh, pancreatic cancer.
Well, I didn't know about Mary.
I'm sorry.
I could see how this might have hit you.
Please permit me to be infantile by myself.
Well, please. [Music]
What the hell are you thinking, Art?
Oh, come on.
Something had to be done.
I have to say I agree.
And he's our friend.
Whatever else on Earth is going on, he's our friend.
Are you sure about that?
Why the hell are you being so hard on him?
One of my favorite people has disappeared.
Can you get Alzheimer's at 35?
Maybe I'm trying to wake him up.
Maybe I'm too sad to cry.
What I said about myself hurt him.
He struck back expertly.
That stuff about stealing life forces, I've always wondered about the reasons.
Well, 11 afternoon to kill, right?
Charades?
No, John, I have a charade, and it's just for you.
All right, uh, Sandy, come here.
Now come on, come on, come on, come on.
Okay, this one's for you.
All right, ready?
Foreign, my first wedding.
There you go, there you go.
Very good.
And I bet at least one of us is your direct descendant.
And I'd even send a Christmas card.
Christmas card?
What about a birthday card?
And don't even get me started on the candles with the blowing.
For years with the blowing.
All right, I tried the love call.
Call me underdeveloped, but I'd like to hear more.
Me too.
More?
You double damn swear this isn't some cockamamie science fiction story or you're pulling arms.
Next question.
You realize this is an invitation to men in white suits with happy pills?
Okay, well, think about it.
A mechanism allowing survival for thousands of years?
Run out of room even faster?
Well, they would have to go to Mars as a colony as we expand it.
As we'd have to.
I'd like that on a planet of another star.
Envy you?
They were a little bit before my time.
At least something is, no doubt, you could give us a thousand details, John, corroborating your story from the Magdalene to the Buddha to now.
Ten thousand, and you could say out of the books.
It's getting chilly here.
Come over here, John.
Oh, that raises an interesting question, John.
Could there be others like you who escaped the aging process that you have?
Representing something terrific we don't even know about?
Biology learning all the time.
Yeah, but how do you know?
He doesn't wear an armband, an ID badge saying, "Yeah, there was a man in the 1600s that I met."
Where were you in 1292 A.D.?
Where were you a year ago on this date?
Anyway, it's the 1600s.
I met a man, and I had a hunch that he was like me.
So I told her.
Ah, see you.
You said this was a first.
I forgot a crack in your story.
Time, a touch of senility.
Anyway, he said yes, but from another time, another place.
We talked for two days.
It was all pretty convincing that we couldn't be sure.
We each confirmed what the other said.
But how do we know if the confirmation was genuine or an echo?
I knew I was kosher, but I thought maybe he's playing a game on me.
You know, a scholar of all we spoke about.
He said he was inclined at the same reservation.
Oh, that's interesting.
Just as we can never be sure, even if we wanted to.
I mean, if we were sure, you couldn't be sure of that.
We parted, agreeing to keep in touch.
Of course, we didn't.
And 200 years later, I thought I saw him at a train station in Brussels.
Lost him in the crowd.
Oh, what a shame.
I mean, if it were true.
Okay, here's one for you.
What do you do in your spare time?
Oh, every 50 years or so, when I want to get away from the rush, I go down to a primitive tribe in New Guinea where I'm worshiped as an immortal god.
They have a huge statue of me.
It's a big party.
I got a lot of pictures of it, but I've already packed them up.
I'm sorry.
I won't make the obvious nasty crack about more unwashed cavemen.
Actually, bathing was the style into the Middle Ages, and the church told us it was sinful to wash away God's dirt.
So people were sewn into their underwear in October, and they popped out in April.
You said you just happened.
Story's true.
Why did God allow you to happen?
That makes an interesting point.
Are you religious, John?
I don't follow a known religion.
No, ever a long time ago, I did like most people.
Some just never get over it.
You believe in God?
As LaPlace said, I have no need of that hypothesis.
You may be around, though.
He's everywhere.
People just can't see him.
This was the best I could do.
I'd be hiding too.
And creation, it's here.
I'm not so sure it was created.
What then?
Maybe it's just accumulated fields affecting fields.
What about the source of the field energies?
Wouldn't that imply a prime mover?
I'd wonder about the source of the prime mover.
Infinite regress?
But that doesn't imply anything to me.
Back to the mystery.
It's a very old question, but there's no answer except in religious terms.
If you have faith, it's answered.
Did you ever meet any person from our religious history?
A biblical figure?
In a way.
Oh, we should skip this one.
No, no, no, skip.
But come on, next question.
No, come on, come on, spit it out.
Good Lord, you were one of them.
This is going in a direction I didn't expect.
I hope it wouldn't.
We call it a night.
Come on, you were someone in religious history.
Yes, in the Bible.
Yes, someone we know.
How could we not know someone in the Bible?
I mean, somebody important.
You may think you know him, but it's mostly myth.
The entire Bible is mostly myth and allegory with maybe some basis in historical events.
But you were part of that history.
Moses?
Moses was based on Mises, a Syrian myth, and their earlier versions are all found floating on water.
Staff that changed to a snake, waters that were parted so followers could be led to freedom and even receive laws on stone and wooden tablets.
One of the apostles?
They weren't really apostles.
They didn't do any real teaching.
Peter the fisherman learned a little more about fishing.
How do you know that?
The mythical overlay is so enormous and not good.
The truth is so, so simple.
The New Testament, 100 words or less.
You ready?
I don't think I want to hear this.
Harry, will you take me home?
No, not right now.
I do want to hear this.
Sit down, Edith.
Yeah, like you believe him.
It's not going to be sacrilege.
She hasn't said anything yet.
The new New Testament test.
There's been a dozen new Testaments from Hebrew to Greek to Latin to Tyndale all the way to King James.
I'll be visionist and all called revealed truth.
I mean, a new New Testament in a hundred words.
I can give you the Ten Commandments in ten words.
Don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't.
The commandments are just modern updates of more ancient laws.
Hammurabi's code, that's right.
And they weren't the first, right, Edith?
I was raised on the Torah.
My wife in the Quran.
My oldest son is an atheist.
My youngest is a Scientologist.
My daughter is studying Hinduism, I imagine.
But there is room there for a holy war in my living room.
But we practice live and let live.
What is your preferred version of the Bible?
The King James, of course.
It's the most modern, the work of great scholars.
Modern is good.
All right, John, hit us with the short form.
Liked what he heard, thought about it for a while.
It's like 500 years while he returned to the Mediterranean, became an Etruscan, leaked into the Roman Empire.
He didn't like what they became, giant killing machine.
He went to the nearest thinking, why not pass the Buddha's teachings on in a modern form?
So he tried one dissident against Rome.
One, the rest is history, sort of on a fairy tale mixed in.
I knew it, he's saying he was Christ.
Oh no, that's the medal they pinned on Jesus to fulfill prophecy.
The crucifixion, he blocked the pain as he learned to do in Tibetan India.
He also learned to slow his body processes down to the point where they were undetectable.
They thought he was dead, so his father pulled him from the cross, placed him in a cave.
His body normalized as he had trained it to.
He attempted to go away and detect it, but some devotees were standing watch, tried to explain they were ecstatic.
Thus I was resurrected, and I ascended to Central Europe to get away as far as possible.
You don't mean...
Oh God, why are you doing this?
Let me see your wrists.
I don't scar.
Besides, they tied me, but nails and blood make better religious art.
All the speculations about Jesus, he was black, he was Asian, he was a blue-eyed Aryan with a golden beard and hair straight out of Alice.
Assumes he was a benevolent alien.
He never existed at all.
Now he's a caveman Christ figure, goes all the way back to Krishna, Hercules, of course.
Hercules, born of a virgin, alchemony, a god for a father, Zeus, the only begotten savior, the Greek soter, the Good Shepherd, the Prince of Peace, bringing gentle persuasion and divine wisdom.
He died, joined his father on Olympus, a thousand years before Gethsemane.
How you compare pagan mythology to the true word?
Damn closely, I'd say.
The early Christian leaders, they threw away Hebrew manuscripts and borrowed from pagan sources all over the place.
Do you realize how inconsiderately you're treating my feelings?
Yeah, about as inconsiderately as we're treating John because he doesn't believe what he's saying.
Do you believe literally everything in the Bible, Edith?
Yes, before you say it, I know it's undergone a lot of changes, but God has spoken through man to make his word clearer.
He couldn't get it right the first time.
We're imperfect.
He had to work to make us understand.
He couldn't get us right the first time, Edith.
Taken along the philosophical teachings of Jesus are Buddhism with a Hebrew accent.
Kindness, tolerance, brotherhood, love, a ruthless realism acknowledging that life is as it is here on Earth, here and now.
The kingdom of God meaning goodness is right here, or it should be.
I am what I am becoming.
That's where the Buddha brought it, and that's what I taught.
But a talking snake made a lady eat an apple, so we're screwed.
Heaven and Hell were peddled so priests could rule through seduction and terror, sell our souls that we never lost in the first place.
I threw a clean pass, they ran it out of the ballpark.
Been said that Buddha and Jesus would laugh or cry if they knew what was done in their name.
And if there is a Creator, you'd probably feel the same way.
I see ceremony, ritual, processions, genuflecting, moaning and toning, venerating cookies and wine, and I think it's not what I had in mind.
That's Vatican clapdoodle.
It doesn't have a thing to do with God, as you said, John.
Everywhere, religions from exalting life to purging joy as a sin.
Rome does it as grand opera.
Simple path to goodness needs a supernatural vote.
Supernatural, a stupid word.
I mean, anything that happens happens within nature, whether we believe it or not.
Like a 14,000-year-old caveman, I drove for a while, and then I sat for a while.
I'm so ashamed, and I'm freezing.
We'll come inside.
I still don't believe you.
Of course you need help.
Everybody needs help.
Yes, well, some more than others.
Foreign [Music]
From the Buddha to the cross, I have always imagined both his entirely mythic.
Yeah, but I would like to hear more.
May I lie on the couch for a moment?
I'm not as young as I used to be.
Oh, so you were Jesus?
Well, perhaps somebody had to be, for better or for worse.
The jury is still out.
When did you begin to believe you were Jesus?
When did you begin to believe you were a psychiatrist?
Since I graduated Harvard Medical School and finished my residency, I've had that feeling.
Well, I sometimes dream about it.
Have you acted upon this belief?
I had a private practice for a while, and then I taught.
Nothing unusual until one day I met a caveman who thought he was Jesus.
Do you find that unusual?
Very.
I would stake my reputation he is as sane as I am.
So why does he persist in such a story?
There must be a reason, though, unless I imagined it all.
Is that possible?
I think you're ashamed as he is.
Oh God, I no.
Did you ever find it prudent to worship yourself rather than be thought a heretic?
That would be something.
Other times, Christianity was considered heresy.
I had to pretend other faiths.
And what does Jesus have to say to those present to find it difficult to believe in him?
Believe in what he tried to teach without rigmarole.
Piety is not what the lessons bring to people.
It's the mistake they're bringing to the lessons.
Well, it's getting to be night.
I still have stuff to carry, a long drive.
I'll help.
John, do you have a destination in mind?
Never mind, I'm on us.
Thank you.
Anyone mentally ill can imagine a fantastic background, even an entire life, and sincerely believe it.
The man who thinks he is Napoleon does believe it.
His true identity has taken a back seat to his delusion and the need for it.
If that's the case with John, there is a grave disorder organized brilliantly.
You've got an answer for everything.
It might involve rejection of his father, of his entire early past, replaced by this fantasy.
He says he can't remember his father.
Yeah, precisely why you said he was sane.
Did I?
Do you think that perhaps our caveman has a monkey on his back?
Drugs?
No, no, no, no.
I've done a lot of consulting work with the Narcotics Division.
I've seen people tripping, strung out.
Whatever's up with John, it isn't that.
I've looked for signs, none.
Cavemen really talk?
Well, we think that language came into existence 60,000 years ago.
The structure of Stone Age culture is evidence of the ability to communicate verbally.
Oh, maybe it'd be easier if I were crazy.
No [Music]
Foreign [Music]
Attempt to teach Buddhism in the West?
No wonder he failed.
We're not ready for it.
We're talking as if you believed it.
Well, it is possible.
I mean, anything is possible.
Look, we have two simple choices.
We can get all bent out of shape and electrolyze and go bench pressing logic, or we can simply relax and enjoy it.
I can listen critically, but I don't have to make up my mind about anything.
What do you think you do?
Well, unfortunately, there's no authorities on prehistory, so we couldn't stop him.
There are experts on the Bible.
Dream on.
Yeah, that's the lost years of Jesus, and he didn't exist until John put on a hat.
I don't believe in angels and the Nativity and the star in these, but there are stories about the childhood of Jesus.
History hates a vacuum.
Improvisation, some of it very sincere, fills the gaps.
It would have been easy to falsify a past back then.
A few words, credulity, time would do the rest.
No, you're talking as if you believed him.
Well, look at the popular myths surrounding the Kennedy assassination.
In a few short years, he had a conspiracy, Mafia, CIA.
That's a mystique that'll never go away.
And it's always been a small step from a fallen leader to a god.
I don't think anybody will deify Kennedy.
We're more sophisticated than that.
We are.
Well, you're finally fulfilling one prophecy about the Millennium, John.
What's that?
Here we are again.
You like the fire, John?
Everyone I've lived, I've had a fireplace.
Childhood fixation, I guess.
Helps me feel secure.
There are predators out there.
One thing I didn't pack, I thought I might need it.
[Music]
Wouldn't Sakurai do pretor be more appropriate?
What, you got four men of science completely baffled, my friend?
But we don't know what to make of you.
Did you know Voltaire was the first to suggest that the universe was created by a gigantic explosion?
Not that Paul would agree.
And Van Gogh was the first to suggest that spiral nebulae were swirling masses of stars.
We now call them galaxies.
Kind of funny how often new concepts of science find their first tentative forms of expression in the arts.
So did Beethoven do physics on the side?
He spent most of his time lying on the floor in front of his legless piano, surrounded by orange peels and apple cores.
Now we were on the floor listening to Beethoven.
Full circle.
Did you have, um, any religious beliefs or did you give it much thought?
You can't get that with thought.
You have faith, and a lot of things.
Do you have faith in the future of the race?
I've seen species come and go.
Depends on their balance with the environment.
We've made a mess of it.
There's still time.
We use it well.
Christianity has been a worldwide belief for 2,000 years.
How long did the Egyptians worship Isis and the Sumerians Ishtar?
In India, sacred cows wandered freely as reincarnated souls.
In a thousand years, they'll be barbecued.
Their souls will be in squirrels.
You weren't Jesus.
Oh yes, it rains, it won't.
How do you know that?
They don't smell it.
Were you?
I guess so.
Medicine man?
I was ashamed a few times.
I revealed some truths to eat a little better.
You think that's all religion is about?
Selling hope and survival?
The Old Testament sells fear and guilt.
The New Testament is a good code of ethics put into my mouth by poets and philosophers that are much smarter than I am.
The message is never practiced.
Fairy tales built churches.
What about the name Jesus?
Did you pull that out of a hat?
I called myself John.
I almost always do.
There's tales of resurrection spread.
The name was confused with the Hebrew Johanna, meaning God is gracious.
My stay on Earth was seen as divine proof of immortality.
That led to God is salvation or Hebrew Yeshua, which in translation became a proper name.
Changing to late Greek Esus, then to late Latin Jesus, finally medieval Latin Jesus.
And it was a wonder to watch it all happen.
And you didn't claim to be the Son of God?
It began as a schoolhouse and ended as a temple.
I said I had a master that was greater than myself.
I never said he was my father.
I wanted to teach what I learned.
I never claimed to be king of the Jews.
I never walked on water.
I never raised the dead.
I never spoke a divine except in the sense of human goodness on Earth.
Foreign medicine I'd learned.
[Music]
That's it.
[Music]
Three wise men began as a myth about the birth of the Buddha.
John, I should be home kissing my wife.
Foreign, trapped by your story, hoping for a resolution.
I don't know.
Are there any more revelations for us?
[Music]
It's just like old times.
You weren't Jesus.
[Music]
Quote the Sermon on the Mount.
Which one?
Darby, King James, New American Standard?
Do you know them all?
No one knows the one, not even me.
I did some teaching on a hill one day.
Not that many people stayed, but biblical Jesus said, "Who do you think I am?"
He gave them a choice.
I'm giving you one.
Who are you?
If I said no, could you ever be sure?
[Music]
Turn that off, please.
This has gone far enough.
It's gone much too far.
These people are very upset.
I don't believe you're mad, but what you're saying is not true.
That leaves only one explanation.
The time has come when you must admit this is a hoax, a lie.
Isn't that true, John?
If you don't drop this now, if you can, I'll be convinced that you need a great deal of attention.
I can have you committed for observation, you know that.
I ask you now, I demand it, that you tell these people the truth.
Give them closure.
It's time, John.
Please, end of the line, everybody off.
Story, it was all a story.
Oh good God, all of it.
But why?
What in the name, Evan?
John, you had us wondering whether you were sane or not, and it's just a story.
Where'd you come up with such a half-baked, asinine idea?
At least you relieved.
I met a nut.
I'd prefer you were.
You gave me the idea, all of you.
Come again?
He just saw my fake van Gogh.
You could have just told me.
He commented that I never age.
You gave me the book on early man, Dan.
You spotted the bird, and you said if stones could speak.
I knew it.
I got the notion, I ran it past you to check your reactions, and I took it too far.
Too far?
Check my reaction?
You asked if I was a figure from religious history, if there were others like me, if I had created future identities.
We were chasing our tails around the maypole, enjoying the mystery, the analytical stretch.
You were playing my game.
I was playing yours.
Oh man, you know you had us going, right?
Oh, you look good, man.
You know those Chinese boxes, one inside the other, inside the other, inside the other?
I feel like I'm in the last box, you son of a...
How could you do this to us?
I was worried about you.
I know I was tempted to cop out many times, but I couldn't resist seeing whether or not you could refute what I was saying.
I had the perfect audience.
Anthropologist, archaeologist, Christian literalist, a psychologist.
Okay, I've had enough of this.
I'm not here.
You want to come?
Let's go.
So John, you're going to write the story?
If I do, I'll send you copies.
Don't bother with mine, okay?
You are absolutely certifiable.
I don't know you.
It was nice seeing you again, Dr. Oldman.
Your name's a pun, isn't it?
Old man.
Did that help you with your story, Linda?
Well, it was half right, which...
Well, at least I don't have to throw away half of what I know about biology.
What'd you have?
A beautiful idea, so rich.
Perhaps you should write a paper on it, doctor.
Maybe I will.
I'll interview you in the rubber room for further details.
You may still need help, my friend.
My ass.
I thought it sounded pretty good.
They believe you because they have to.
But the one thing that I know about you is that you would never use people or abuse their goodwill and intelligence like they think you've just done to them.
Psych 101?
No, it's woman 101.
So you're a pretty fast liar, Mr. Ugg.
But I want to know what's your real name.
Believe it or not, sound was always John.
Why'd you cave to Gruber?
What happened was enough.
Just needed to stop.
I shouldn't have expected it to work.
14,000 years old, I bet that's a lot of women.
Are we counting?
Maybe.
Well, I'm taking Edith home.
City, I'm gonna stay.
Are you sorry for some of those things you said?
I'm sorry I said them.
Well, a good Christian life.
Oh, Sean, you did a terrible thing, but we're all so thankful.
You're all right, even Art.
He just hates things.
I can't understand.
You're a sadist, John.
Did I admit I got a kick out of chasing my tail around your maple?
Even if that is all I caught.
Good luck to you.
Wish you the best.
Thank you.
Ready?
Later on.
Okay, good night.
I don't know, man.
Something about this.
What about Utah?
The more I think about it, the more I'm no longer in that Chinese box.
I sense space got a latitude of what we happily call reality in which, as everybody keeps saying, anything's possible.
Yes, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
No more words.
I'm gonna go home, and I'm gonna watch Star Trek for a dose of sanity.
Good luck to you, man.
Whoever this may lead to, you dropped me alive sometime.
Let me know how you make it.
I will.
So John Oldman, what other pun names have you used?
Lots.
John Paley for John Paleolithic.
John Savage got really crazy about 60 years ago when I was teaching at Harvard.
I was John Thomas Party.
John T. Party, Boston Tea Party.
I get it.
Yeah, I know.
Wait, wait, wait.
Boston, 60 years ago, John Parte.
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You did not teach chemistry.
I do not believe you.
Your mother's name was Nova?
No, yeah, no, yeah, yes.
Nola.
Bye.
I reject this.
Bye.
My dog's name, we had it before I was born.
She remarried.
She said you abandoned us.
Sorry, I had to move on.
You know that.
I left enough.
Coke, Chilly Willy, always cold, never could stand in the cold.
You had a beer?
Well, oh God, 9-1-1.
Now come on, Will, come on, buddy.
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Child die?
No.
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Thank you.
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Thank you.
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Only friend.
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Nothing lasts forever.
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Is the way I feel for you forever.
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[Applause]
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Nothing lasts forever.
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[Applause]
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The way I feel for you.
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Foreign.