Transcription
My advice to couples is if you're not married then leave each other alone, 'cause men and women are not good for each other. I think we've proven that beyond the shadow of a doubt. Men and women are better off without each other in every way. That's why God invented marriage.
In marriage, the man becomes a husband, the woman becomes a wife. So where they were better off without each other, they are now inseparable, 'cause you can't be a husband without a wife, and you can't be a wife without a husband.
So what I would tell couples is this: if you want to have a long, meaningful relationship, get married. If you don't want that, then don't hang around with each other too much. You're not good for each other. Let men be men; let women be women. Because look at what's happening with our society. We have no clue anymore. We are so compromised because we're exposed to the opposite gender so early in life. We never get to know ourselves, and we become confused: who's what, who's who, what am I, what are you?
Not good. Let's get healthy. Healthy men, healthy women can make healthy marriages, which produces healthy families, which produces a healthy society, which can make the world healthy.
Who will never be a good parent, because it's impossible. Don't be a better husband, just take care of your wife. Don't be a better wife, just support your husband. Don't be a better mother, just take good care of your kids. Focus on the receiver, not on how well you are giving. As soon as you decide you want to be a good mother, frustration, stress, judgment, criticism, resentments—you invite them all.
Don't be a good mother; just take good care of your kids. Think of what the kid needs and do it. Will that make you a good mother? I don't know. Will it make your kid healthier? Yes.
What makes a happy marriage? A healthy marriage usually is a happy marriage. But then again, a happy marriage is usually a healthy marriage. There are three pillars on which a marriage is based. Without those three pillars, it cannot last.
Pillar number one: generosity and kindness. If you're not kind and you're not generous, you cannot be married. You probably can't even be a good friend. Generosity means generous with your possessions, generous with your time, generous with your space, generous with your opinion, and generous with your words. If you have that kind of generosity, that kind of openness to another person, then the other person is comfortable in your life 'cause you've made room for them. Without that generosity, your doors are closed. Nobody is welcome, and nobody is going to feel comfortable in your world.
Pillar number two: respect and dignity. Your own dignity, your spouse's dignity. A man said to me, "My wife suffered from Alzheimer's for a number of years, and when she passed away, the husband said, 'I don't know if I was really a good husband, but I do know that I never compromised her dignity.'" I said, "You were a good husband. Never compromise each other's dignity. Never tear away a mask that a person needs to wear. Never lower your own dignity. Don't make it hard on your spouse to respect you."
Why, when the doorbell rings, do you go and get dressed before you answer the door? It's just a pizza guy delivering pizza. Why do you have to be decent when you open the door to the delivery boy? You don't have to be decent to your husband or your wife. Something's wrong with that. Instead of lowering your standards at home and in the bedroom, raise your standards. Be more elegant, more dignified, more respectful—not less.
You got to live with this guy for the rest of your life, and you have to live with her for the rest of your life. Don't make it hard by being sloppy or careless or grungy. Like fathers who say to their daughters, "You can't go out dressed like that." They should say the opposite: "Dressed like that? Go out at home!" You should be a mensch, so give the home a little more respect.
That's the second pillar. The third pillar is: Don't treat marriage like it's your idea. You met somebody, you fell in love, you decided to marry. No, marriage is not your idea. Marriage is a divine arrangement. It's God's idea. It's a sacred institution; it has something to do with souls getting divided and finding each other. There's something mystical going on here; it's way above your pay grade.
Don't reduce it to your own little interest. This is where the next generation is going to come from. This is how you make children. God is very particular about His children in a marriage. The third pillar is sanctity. You're engaging in something sacred and awesome. Give it the awe and the respect that it deserves—not only your marriage, but other people's marriages, too. It's sacred.
Never try to outshine a husband in the presence of his wife; it's not nice. Never try to make a woman look bad in the presence of her husband. The marriage is sacred; don't mess with it. That’s sanctity. You're engaged in something bigger than the two of you respectfully and thoughtfully.
The result is you're going to have a happy marriage. The result is you're going to love what you have. But it's the three pillars that make it work. It takes two parents to raise a child, the everyday growth of the child—almost like the judge in an Olympic event. The mother should be like the coach, totally involved in the child's progress.
And so the coach should be a good coach; the judge should be an aspiring judge. They should not become the same too often. When a father decides to become a little more involved domestically, he becomes an assistant mother. He does the diapering sometimes; he does the cooking sometimes, which is fine as a pinch hitter for the mother's responsibilities. But that's not what you're there for; you're there to be the father.
So you don't have to agree; you each have to do your half of the project, your half of the role. You can't have… this is your soulmate. There is this thing called chemistry. Good chemistry doesn't mean, "I'm excited about you." That’s conventional; that's everyday occurrences. Good chemistry means a woman sitting with a man suddenly feels very comfortable being a woman. A guy sitting with a woman suddenly feels very comfortable being a man, and this is coming from the other. That's good chemistry.
If she makes him feel comfortable being a man, he makes her feel comfortable being a woman. Get married. Now, if a man would say to a woman, "I love you very much, more than anything in the world," oh, you're not interested? You're lost.
We know that when he claims to love her, it's not love; it's manipulation, 'cause there is no love without vulnerability. The most common cause of divorce is not money. The most common cause is the wife does not feel like she can rely on her husband, and the husband does not feel that what he is giving is appreciated. In other words, he doesn't feel like he's a real giver; she doesn't feel like she's really receiving. That kills it.
Because essentially, the man needs to know that he is providing, and the woman needs to know that she has someone to rely on in the marriage. The man has to be the giver, the provider, the rock of Gibraltar, at least to her. And she needs to be completely trusting of him; otherwise, she cannot be his.
So to really become intimate means you've got to trust each other completely; otherwise, you hold back. You hold back a little; it feels uncomfortable; it feels a little unnatural. You got to be constantly conscious of protecting yourself; it's a mess.
The husband has to provide absolute security so that the wife can completely abandon herself to the relationship. Then they're both feeling right. But if she has to worry and doesn’t trust him, it's pretty much all over.
All human beings need to feel needed—men more so than women—because men can't seem to justify their own existence. So unless they're needed, useful, productive, making a difference, they can't tolerate their own being.
A man, when he gets married, needs to know that he is useful, necessary, important—that he is needed. So the worst thing a wife can say to her husband is, "Never mind; I'll do it myself."
Anything the husband offers, accept it graciously. Give him credit for it, even if it's not exactly what you need from him. But if you accept what he's giving, then you can move him to what you really need from him. But if you reject what he's giving, he'll quit; you emasculate him.
If you raise your children, then you can spoil your grandchildren. But if you spoil your children, you're going to have to raise your grandchildren.