Transcription
Hi INFJs, welcome back to my channel!
Let me ask you: have you ever felt like someone just doesn't like you? You don't even know why. You haven't done anything to them; maybe you don't even really know them. You haven't had a lot of interaction, and you just clearly know they don't like you. This is such a common experience for INFJs. I know I've experienced it many times.
So today, I want to talk a little bit about why this happens, why people dislike INFJs, what it means, and how you can see it as a reflection of your strengths rather than a flaw.
If you're new to my channel, welcome! My name's Trina, I'm an INFJ, and I'm also autistic. I created this channel with hopes of helping people like myself feel seen, heard, understood, and less alone. Plus, I wanted somewhere I could share resources when I find things that help me out, so I could share them with other INFJs and help them out too. Don't forget to check the resource section in the description of this video.
Welcome to my channel! If you're returning, I'm glad you came back. I am so grateful for you. Before we get going, I invite you to like this video and subscribe to my channel. I'd really appreciate the support.
Also, I always forget to throw this in my videos, but I better mention it today because people wonder, "What is it that you do?" I help INFJs and autistic INFJs heal their self-love through classes, coaching, and community. Right now, I've opened up registration for January's INFJ meet and greet. That's going to be held not this week coming, but next week. It's a virtual event—very casual, laid-back, easygoing, fun.
If you want to meet other INFJs, other people like yourself, and feel comfortable sharing and listening to struggles or stories that you can relate to, maybe you've never been able to really relate to other people. That's me! If you have a hard time finding INFJs, this is a great place to come. If you want more information about it, I could keep rambling about it because I enjoy it so much. I love connecting with other INFJs. Go to the description of this video; I put the link in there, and you can learn more.
Okay, let's get into this—enough rambling! Trina, sorry, I'm still fighting with this cold. It's like lagging on; it won't go away. It's overstayed its welcome.
I want to talk about the mirror effect with INFJs. I found this really fascinating, so I'm thinking that you're going to as well. We are naturally highly intuitive and empathetic; that's just who we are. It comes naturally; we can't fight it. That's just who we are.
We often see deeper truths in others, and it's those truths that they often don't see themselves or don't want to see about themselves, right? So an example of this is maybe we're around somebody, and they're coming across like they're confident and happy, whatever it may be, right? But we can see through it. We know that they're not happy at all; they're very unhappy, and they're not content. There's a lot of discontentment going on within them, and they're definitely not confident.
We will notice that, and we will mirror it back to them, and they don't like that. People do not like that, especially if they're not ready to face it. This can make people very uncomfortable because it exposes them—their vulnerability, their insecurities—and they might not be ready to confront that.
I read a quote one day, quite a long time ago. Was it a quote? It was a quote, or I saw it in a video; I can't even remember. But it was a person that said that it is easier for other people to rain on somebody else's parade than it is to look in the mirror and face reality about themselves.
That's exactly what it is. When we hold up the mirror and show people the work that they still need to do on themselves, it's not a welcoming response, usually. We do that naturally; we don't mean to do it.
When this happens, recognize that it isn't about you, okay? It's just something we do naturally. We don't mean to do this to people at all; that isn't our intention. It's just what happens. So recognize it isn't about you; it's about their discomfort with their reflection in your presence. That's all it is, and you can't control that. That's completely out of our control. It's stuff that they have to go work on, and it's not our responsibility.
Next, our values and our authenticity get in the way of people disliking us. We value authenticity, purpose, and meaningful connections deeply. We may not even realize how much we value them until we take a look at it and dissect it, break it down, unpack it. It's one of our top values for most INFJs; that's just who we are.
We can't stand fake people, right? I know I can't. I can admit it. Many people, though, operate on a more superficial, self-serving level, and this creates a clash with us. It creates a clash of values.
So we struggle with small talk; the insecurity—we don't tolerate it. I know I can't stand small talk. I have come to a point in my life where I understand it does serve a purpose. Small talk does, as much as I hate it, but I don't like it, and I don't like participating in it.
When we don't participate in small talk because most other people, that's what they do, this can make others feel judged or dismissed by us, and that's definitely not our intention. We definitely—I mean, we've been judged most of our entire life, most of us, and we definitely don't want to do that to other people, right?
So that's what's going on; it makes other people feel that way. When we do this, we get labeled. Maybe "aloof" is a great term; "judgmental" is another great term that we'll get labeled with. Or "too much." If you've been told you're just too much because of this unwavering commitment to depth, remember your values are a strength, and the right people will appreciate your authenticity.
So if you're hanging around people and they're just not really liking you, or maybe you've joined a group and you can feel it, I know for me, a story that comes to mind that I'm going to share with you is a quick little story of when this happened.
When my son started school, I joined the parents' group, volunteering at the school, doing hot lunches and whatever else. I really, really enjoyed it. I was there for the kids, and it served a great purpose, right? For the kids, making their school experience the best as possible.
Well, the other moms didn't like me. I knew this was going to happen because I've experienced it many times when I've done similar things. But I thought, "Oh well, I'm going to do it. I'm going to keep to myself," and that's kind of what I did. I didn't really socialize a whole lot, and I knew they didn't like me. I could feel it; you know, we're just good at feeling that sort of thing.
Then finally, it came out, and they told me they didn't need my help, and that was that. So it wasn't my people. I quite knew that. I really didn't take it too hard; I didn't take it personally. However, I protected my energy, and I put up my boundary. I don't need that. It was volunteer work, and I can go volunteer elsewhere where I would be appreciated even more, with people that are more like me, that will understand me a lot more.
There are people out there that will do that; we just have to look for them. If this group isn't them, okay, well, we'll move on to the next group. It's okay; it's not us, and not to take it personally.
Next is our being misunderstood. Complexity—I hope I said that right. We're always misunderstood. We are deeply complex, combining emotional sensitivity with intellectual depth, which makes us very complex. Sometimes we have a hard time understanding ourselves, right? This makes it hard for others to understand us.
I've said this a few times: if we can't understand ourselves, sometimes we can't expect other people to understand us, right? So that's when we're going to get labeled as "too intense" or "hard to figure out" because we don't fit into their simple categories. We won't fit into that box; we never will. So I just say, burn the box; it's all right.
But our complexity isn't a flaw; it's a unique gift. The depth that you bring to relationships and ideas is what makes you extraordinary. That's our gift; that's who we are; that's what we're meant to do. So if we're around people that can accept that, that say, "You know, you're too much," they're not our people. We need to move on to find our people.
So what do we do about this when all this happens? I know it can be very disheartening. Even though we say, "You know what? Don't take it personally," when it happens time and time again, it can be very disheartening. I've been there; I know it can be.
The first thing I want to say—and I've already said this, I know—is don't take it personally. Understand others' actions or reactions are more about them than it is about you. Even though it can feel like a personal blow, it really is more about them than it is about you.
Practice detachment from the need for universal approval; that is a superpower all on its own. We don't need other people's approval as much as we think we do. We don't at all. Once we can let go of that need for other people's approval, life becomes more enjoyable because we don't have that hanging over us. That weight isn't there anymore.
Seek out people who value depth, authenticity, and self-awareness. Seek out those people. If you have a hard time finding them, because I know it can be a struggle, find them online. That's where I've met all my INFJ friends—it's all online. I've joined communities or groups, like the INFJ meet and greet that I'm hosting. It's a great one where you can go and meet other INFJs.
You know, there are a few of them out there. Find ones that really speak to you and say, "Yeah, that's where I want to go," and give it a try. Give it a try and see what comes out. You're probably going to meet some really interesting people that you're going to click with and become friends with. I definitely have.
Then build connections with those who appreciate you; that's important. I had myself believing years ago, because I struggled to really fit in, that I didn't need connection. I didn't need community. But in fact, we really do, as much as we think we don't.
We could just thrive in our solitude, and I do; I thrive in solitude a lot. But we need that connection; we need that community for a healthy balance.
Recognize when someone's dislike stems from their own insecurities or values mismatch. Recognizing that makes it easier to let go and not take it so personally.
And this is another good one: use our intuition wisely. We do not have to share our thoughts or insights with anybody unless we're invited to. I've heard it called gaslighting for intuitives when we just share our intuitive insights and our deep thoughts. Because other people, if they're not intuitive, they're not going to understand it, and it's like we're gaslighting ourselves doing that.
So be very careful, and it's okay to not share if you don't want to share. It's perfectly okay. I know for most of my life, up until just a few years ago, I felt I had to share because I would get nervous, and I didn't want that weird—I mean, I felt weird already because I knew that they thought I was weird, and I was; I still am, and I'm okay with that.
But I didn't want that awkward silence to go on, so I'd fill it in with my deep insights and my thoughts, and most people don't like that. They're not okay with that. So once I realized that awkward silence—oh well, let it be. It's not going to hurt us; it's just silence. It's okay; silence actually has become one of my best friends.
Remember, being disliked is not a reflection of your worth, but it's a byproduct of your unique strengths as an INFJ. Remember that we are not here to be liked by everyone. I mean, I don't like everyone, so I definitely don't need everyone to like me. We are here to make an impact, and that's far more powerful than being liked by everybody.
I hope this was helpful for you. Again, if you're interested in the INFJ meet and greet virtual connection circle, check out the link in the description of this video. Again, like this video, and I invite you to subscribe to my channel. I would appreciate the support, and I will see you again soon.
Thanks for joining me. Bye for now!