Transcription
[Music] It's a long way from anywhere you've ever been before. Got to get your act together. We're not sure we love you, we need you, we love you. [Music] We hear you. [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Music]
Bob: Yes, Jock. I'm experiencing a sense of boredom so acute that it borders on rage. Can you tell me anything interesting today?
Um, I've got the printout back for my new rationalization scheme. Quite fascinating.
Try again.
Uh, the new man's coming.
Ah, yes, the new man. [Music] He [Music] Right. Oh. [Music] Excuse [Music] [Music] me. Um, excuse me. [Music] Oh, sorry. You okay?
I'm fine. Sorry. Um, yeah, you couldn't direct me to the medical sendy, could you?
Yeah, right. Hey, you don't look too good.
No, honestly, I'm all right.
Sure. Right. Well, see this walkway here? You follow all the way around the building till you see the signs. Can't go wrong.
Okay. Now, thank you very much.
My pleasure. Oh, uh, don't let them give you meanon. [Music]
Yes, I'm Stephen Daker, and well, uh, here I am.
Yes, here you are. And perhaps I just see Dr. McKennon first.
I see you wish to make an appointment to see Dr. McAn?
Well, I was hoping I might see him now, would if he's in.
I see your first visit.
Well, yes, apart from the your first visit. I never forget a face. Would you take a seat? I'll see what I can do for you. I assume it's some sort of... of emergency.
Thank you. Look, I think you might have misunderstood. You see, take a seat.
Morning. Uh, morning. You're in luck. Dr. McAn will see you. [Music]
Now, my dear man, let come and sit down. Taker was it? Stephen Aker? Yes. And you're new here?
Well, yes, naturally. And you're not feeling too bright. Tell me all about it.
No, honestly, I'm fine.
Well, more or less.
More or less. Yes. Are you a married man, Steven?
Yes. Well, in a sense. My wife didn't want to come down here with me. Well, not straight away. Perhaps not at all. It's trial separation.
Yes. And you're feeling a lot of pain?
Yes. Well, not really. No physical symptoms. Well, only in a very minor way, you know.
M... no. There. Panic. Terror. I'm right, aren't I? Look, isn't all this getting a bit... well?
Personal illness is personal, Steven. We're not machines.
But I'm not ill.
Of course you're not. Of course you're not. But you're feeling a lot of pain. We all feel a lot of pain. I feel a terrible lot of pain. If my life weren't in a mess, how could I empathize with my patiency? I'd be a poor doctor then, wouldn't I?
I must say how much I admired your book, Dr. McKannan, *Sexual Anxiety in the Common Cold*.
Aha, of course. Sexual anxiety. So you're experiencing impairment of the old abidal drive? Of course you are. I guess at the moment you walk through the door we jimmies played a cruel joke on this young lady. I said to myself, I'm right. A... we cannot cut the mustard. Look, you think I'm a patient, don't you? Just another human being feeling pain, Steven?
No, I mean, you really think I'm a patient. And I'm not. I'm a doctor.
Well, of course you are. This University is full of doctors.
No, I'm a real doctor, a medical man, and I've come to work here as a doctor at this University Medical Center.
That's very interesting, Steven. Tell me now, what makes you think that?
Well, my letter of appointment from the senior academic registra.
You have not one of those stripps are you? It isn't my basty is it? I'm the new doctor. Honestly. Excuse me one moment, deer. You said... hey Bob, this new man, Blair Aleel wasn't it? High FL from Glasgow. Didn't you get the VC's memo?
Blair Aleel welshed on the deal. No, they offered it to some dim GP from Wolverhampton or somewhere, Dick D or some such name.
Steven, deer. Yes, that's the chap. Well, he's here. Yes. Rary, Robert, the new man's here. Look, look, I don't know about you, but I think we should consider working together on this one.
My dear man, I most frightfully sorry. That was really very embarrassing. What can I say? Welcome to the team.
Thank you.
Feel rather an impostor.
Not at all. Not at all. We're lucky to get you, Steven.
Yes. It's All Coming Back to Me Now. The tremendously interesting things you've been doing in Wolverhampton.
Small, actually. Yes. No doubt. No doubt. Would you care for a wee drop or something, Steven?
Oh, not for me. A bit early in the morning.
Oh, very wise. I'm delighted to hear you say it. As a matter of fact, your pedor gave us some CA of anxiety there. Oh, he gave the vodka bottle a most tremendous pummeling. Total abstainer, eh? Very wise.
I didn't say I was a total abstainer. Glad to have you aboard. I can't tell you how grateful I am for the opportunity. I've read so much about your work here, the concept of the Therapeutic Community. It's all exactly what I dreamed about in Wala... never mind that now. All that was in the early '70s.
Healthy indeed. By God, we had a Therapeutic Community then. Week-long teachings with Ronnie Lang and that Indian Johnny come lately. This University is a swamp of Fear and Loathing. It's a cuts. The UGC has both his hands around the University's throat. Early retirements and voluntary redundancies. Savage competition between colleagues, even in this Medical Practice. Oh deare. Oh deare. You say you're not joining a happy team. They're trying to get me out, me first, and then you, or just maybe the other way around. We have to keep one jump ahead of them.
Who? Your colleagues. Black Bob and the Bonny Lassie. You realize you come into this practice is technically senior to both of them. They're seething with bile, Steven. It's a mercy they hate each other so much. God knows what it would be like if they ganged up.
Well, thank you for taking me into your conference, Dr. McCannon.
Jock, all first names here. So I can count on your discretion and your loyalty then, Steven?
Yes, of course. Your personal loyalty to me as head of this practice.
Well, yes, naturally. Good. He, Bob, be so kind as to step in here a minute, please.
Bob, Bard. Steven Daker, your new colleague. Delighted to meet you. How do you do? I was thinking you might like to initiate Steven into some of the Mysteries. Bob, show him the ropes.
Yes, of course. Nothing I'd like better. Good. See you later then. Look, old man, expect... you know I was up for the job. Just wanted you to know, Steven.
Absolutely. No. No hard feelings. None whatsoever. Thanks very much, Bob.
Look, do you think you manage, Robert? Silly, really. But I've never liked Bob much. Bit naff and lightweight. Do you mind?
Not at all, Robert. Good chap. Well now, the tour. This, as you see, is a rather boring corridor in the new brutalist style, and here we have the reception area, which of course you know. Far too comfortable in my personal opinion. And Mrs. Kramer, our excellent receptionist, whom you've met.
Yes. You are very naughty with me, Dr. Deer. You let me think you were a patient, didn't you?
I'm sorry. I did. TR. Don't suppose you gave me much chance to comm...
Well, you'll know him again. Indeed I will. Proper welcomes from now on, Dr. Deer.
Thanks very much. Mrs. Kramer sees it as her mission in life to keep the patients away from the doctors. Yes, we had just that trouble in Wol. They don't seem to understand we're here to see the patient. In my personal opinion. A Woman Like that's worth her waiting gold. Now let's see, work our way up the hierarchy. In here. Top of the morning to you, Moren. Moren, as you may guess, is our nurse. A simple colleen from the bogs, aren't you, Moren? This is Dr. Daker, Dr. O'Hara's replacement, Steven.
Hello, Moren. I'm pleased to meet you.
Moren likes to think she does all the work around here, but of course she doesn't. Bone idle, aren't you, Moren? Total waste of space.
I'm sure that's not the case, as he well knows. Well, mustn't keep you, Morin, all those Irish aunties waiting for you. Let us home. Not a bad girl. Thick as two short planks, of course. Loves to be jollied along, teased a bit. Expect you noticed that?
No, I didn't actually pick up on that, Bob.
Really? Rosemary next, I think. Some people find her a bit prickly. Don't see that myself. Just another woman. My personal view is there's nothing wrong with Rosemary that a damn good rogering wouldn't... sold out. Come to think of it, you might be the very man. Here he is, Rosemary. Steven Deer.
How do you do?
How do you do, Rosemary? What? Oh dear. Just Rosemary. That's my full name. I'm not exactly into patronymics, Steven. Sorry. Um... going through the whole of one's life labeled as one man's daughter, another man's wife.
Yes, of course. Absolutely. Sorry. I know just what you mean. As a matter of fact, my wife doesn't... sorry. And uh... you are...
Oh, you mean what do I do here? Have you heard this little story, Steven? The doctor and his son are in a frightful car accident. The... the doctor's killed outright. They rush the son to hospital for brain surgery. The surgeon takes one look at the boy and says, I can't take this case, that's my son.
Explanation?
Ah. Oh. Oh, yes. The surgeon is the boy's mother. I'm a Doctor, Steven, not a nurse, not a physiotherapist.
Yes, of course you are. Look, I'm dreadfully sorry. I didn't for a moment mean to imply that you... you know, I... I was just... you mustn't feel you have to apologize all the time, Steven. I know it's very difficult to be a Man Too these days if you have any sensitivity at all.
Yes, I... I do find that rather difficult. I'm sure we're going to work together really well. I'm looking forward to that, Stephen.
Thanks.
Well, so am I. Um... well, come on. I'll show you where your Consulting room is. See you later, I expect.
Yes. Right. Well, thanks. Think you made an enemy for life there, Steven.
Oh, God. Really? I thought I'd managed...
Oh, you did. You did. You got the needle right in there. She can't deal with gentleness. Brilliant tactics. But I didn't mean to... Oh God. Here we are. Shame about that. Establishment gets their finger out for once in a lifetime. Wrong bloody name. Big cluster phobic for my taste. But Ohara liked it that way. No doubt you'll find a modus vivendi. Look, let's sit down and uh... I'll try and put you into the picture. Ah, yes. Mayor Cula. Your place. Quite right. Thanks very much. Uh, what was Ohara like?
Well, we try not to talk about him too much.
No, I mean, what was his speciality?
Poking patients. In point of fact. Bad Medicine. One of the few things they jump on here. Just thought it was worth mentioning in case you're that way inclined. Always get the totty on someone else's list.
Thank you, Bob. I don't think that's likely to be a problem. I must say I feel no temptation whatsoever. The students here are a dreadful shower. Thoroughly unsavory. They don't see a bath from one week's end to the next. And the faculty are worse, if you can imagine. Most of them ought to be in Turkish jails as far as I'm concerned. Actually, some of them are anyway. Absolutely no temptation to dip the Buzzard Wick. I'm in love with my wife, Robert.
Can I ask you something?
Of course you can. That's what I'm here for. You don't actually mean any of this stuff at all, do you?
Of course I do. I mean every word of it. I'm a happily married man.
No, I didn't mean that part of it. I'm sure that's very nice for you. I... I used to be a happily married man myself, but uh... then unhappily married, then not married. Know the form. Look, do you mind not going into any of that? I can't stand hearing people's personal problems. Got more than enough of it from the patients, let me tell you about this terrible place, Stepen. They call it a new University, but it's 20 years old now. Concrete's crumbling. All those bloody silly flat Roes leak. We've got a repair budget four times the total salary bill. I'll tell you what it's like. It's like a very, very inefficient sector of British industry. Top management are totally corrupt and idle, middle management are incompetent and idle, and the workforce are bullying and idle. And of course, there's no bloody product. No wonder people get ill here. And there's nothing else for them to do. I don't know why you're trying so hard to put me off, Bob. I'm here now. I'm actually looking forward to the work. It's too late to scare me away.
I'm doing you a favor. Look, have you unpacked yet?
No. I came straight here. If I were you, I'd get back in your car and drive straight back to Wolverhampton. It can't be worse than this.
Oh, Dr. Dayer speaking. We have a couple of casuals in reception. I wonder if you might be free. Don't me. Dr. D is in a meeting. SOI. I'm sure Dr. McCannon or Dr. Rosemary should be able to help. Mrs. Kramer. Right you are. Dr. Bazard. Now then. Now then. What's your track record, old chap?
Uh, track record? Absolutely right. Fair's fair. Mine first. Classical tale of a promising career gone sour. Shury, Trinity guys, Royal Durham, ICI, Princeton, spelling Saudi, then fatal mistake. Came here. I say, what about you?
Birmingham. Birmingham. Birmingham. Wara.
I mean, what sort of clowns are they on the appointment's board? Well, he did get a first, Bob, or so his CV says.
What did you get? Third, wasn't it? Lois, second. Um, I thought we were going to work together on this one. I can't think what you have in mind, Bob.
Well, the point is, it's bloody unfair giving the job to an outsider. Bit of a slap in the chops after all the work we've put in. I mean, I think you should have got the job, as you know.
Well, thank you, B. I just think we ought to keep a bit of an eye on him, that's all. And put the boot in if he slips up.
Well, one has got a duty to the practice, hasn't one? Can't have new boys letting the side down.
Not on... sounds like boys' games to me, Bob. It's not really my style.
Fair enough. If that's the way you feel. [Applause] [Music] That's it. Bang on schedule. Seven games to Bazard, no games to Daker.
Thanks very much, Steven. You've got some nice strokes, but no game plan at all. You let me dominate you.
Yes, I suppose I did rather. Swim now. Six quick lengths and out. Right?
Do we have to, Bob?
Of course we have to. Swimming's good for the heart. Besides, we've hardly raised a sweat yet. Hope you're not going to turn out to be a slacker, Dr. Dager. [Music] Right, that's my six. Have to love you and leave you now, Stepen. Got a golf date in 20 minutes. Only four to go. Don't weaken. [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] Oh, okay. I'll touch you just... [Music] Relax. Just here from it here. Thank you. I wasn't really drowning you. You were never going to get to the other end though, were you? Come on, you can't... you're okay now. Didn't we meet this morning?
Oh, yeah. You look different with your clothes off. Hey, you shouldn't be swimming in your condition. You're not safe to be let out on your own. You're not... you saved my life.
Yeah, right. That's what he's called. It's okay. That's what they pay me for.
Oh, I see. You work here. Ah, there's my relief. Oh, blind me. Is that the time? I've got to go. But you sure you're going to be all right?
Uh, yes. Uh, I... I wonder if I could... you're save me. [Music] Around. I'm alive. I'm alive. And this is a beautiful University. I'm really sorry to lay this on you, Chen, on my first evening.
That's all right. I wasn't going anywhere. No hassle. Well, it all seems ridiculously complicated, but if there are any calls, they automatically transferred to this phone. You take the call, get the name, address, and what the problem is... uh... and then you...
Ring this number, and that automatically bleeps me. Would you like me to go through it again?
No, no, I've got it. Steven, I know how to live in the 20th century. Wish I did. Well, I suppose I better be off. You're not going to change.
I have changed. It's very informal, they said. Ah yes, not like the overseas students' reception then. I think my new flatmate must be in with the In [Music] Crowd.
Pack sauce is absolutely fire. An anti-pack sauce, even worse. I never found anti-pacu any good. What you want is ouzo and gin in equal parts. What they're asking for, quite simply, is love.
No, no, no. The bottom line is all about Matrix's credit. No, absolutely. Have you heard the latest about Gross, by the way? Is it true about Gross? You heard about [Music] Gross?
You come in, my dear champ, Del. You can make it, Blair Athole, am I right?
Um, no, it's Steven D, of course. Of course. Last-minute substitution, and a very, very shrewd one, I'm sure. I'm Earnest Hemingway. Yeah, I know, I know. Well, it can't be helped. Never done me any harm, in point of fact. I'm the Vice-Chancellor.
Oh, I see. Come and have a drink. Thanks very much. Nothing alcoholic for Steven D; this man's a total abstainer.
I'm not a total abstainer. Oh, this man needs his love; that's all any of us need. Yes, absolutely. J, the scotch is over there. You've probably gathered you're joining a bit of a problem team, Daker. I mean, plenty of talent there, but all pulling in different directions, and of course, the captain is one of the walking wounded. You could do very well indeed for yourself, Taker, if you like a challenge, De. Come and meet the new Doc.
Yeah, how marvelous of you to make it. So brave. Now, don't tell me all your luggage is going around on a carousel at Helsinki.
No, it isn't. R, then Osaka, Prestwick? No, I came by car. And now you can't find the key to your truck. I'm sorry. I—oh, I see. Um, bit of a misunderstanding. Dr. McCannon said it would be very informal.
I have got a suit, dear. I'm sure you have a lovely suit. Don't give it another thought. Do please mingle. It's easy come, easy go. You [Laughter] ably only solutions. I hear the women have got to learn to speak a new language.
Not—I'm sorry, no, that wasn't what I meant at all. Look at the language; the verbs are all metaphors of combat, control, annexation, but the modifiers are of self-doubt, puzzlement, impotence.
Oh, exactly. And I don't think he has any viable concept of magic.
Real. Right. You are talking about Bradbury's latest one? No, I'm talking about the new parking regulation. He—it's a cynical exploitation of those contemptible kinds. No, now, steady on, Jo. I will not steady on. We take these young people from all over the world; half of them don't even speak English. We don't care, do we? We want their money. Shove them into courses they can't even follow. Let them sink or swim. Let them suffer. Let them turn their faces to the wall and die quietly inside.
Oh yes, that's fine. We've got that. Do spks. We've got their Hong Kong dollars. Difficult times, Jock. They're helping us through the cuts, helping to pay your salary, Jo. Well, if you'll excuse me, I—what personal cost? You should have seen her last night. She came in like a little broken flower, presenting a belly ache, and any shack could see she had a broken heart, and you broke it, Heyward, you and your kind. This University is emotionally bankrupt, and you are a vile, weak man. Yes, it all will look different in the morning. Come on then, Jo, old man. I'll never drink with you again.
If only he meant it. Oh, oh dear. Do you think I should? I should. Standard routine. I actually—our professor's exactly the same. All his best work by the time he was 22. Downhill all the way after that. Tell me, as a medical man, how do you stand on the euthanasia issue?
Excuse me. Hello. It is you. Hello. I didn't see you. Been here long? I saw you. What are you doing here? Well, uh, same as you, I suppose. No, but I mean you work at the pool, don't you? So—Oh Lord. You're not Hemingway's daughter or anything, are you?
No. Oh, that's a relief. Well, this place must be a lot more democratic than I thought it was. That's a pretty shitty thing to say, don't you think? Oh God, look, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like that. I'm not good enough for the likes of you. What else could it mean? And I thought you were a nice man.
I am a nice man. I—I—I tried to be. Look, what I meant was, I'm delighted to see you here. I—I can't seem to talk to this lot. You're not doing too well with me either. Let's start again, please.
Okay. Well, the thing is, I—I get very nervous and tense, and that makes me blunder about a lot, especially when it's important. Um, let me try and say this right. I went for a walk by the lake this afternoon, and it came to me that uh, being life-saved by you—I mean, apart from saving my life—was just about the nicest thing that's happened to me for about 10 years.
Wow. Thanks very much. Hey, you are tense. You're shaking. I know. Oh, come on, relax. You're doing fine now. Oh, L—me. What have I done to him? Nothing, honestly. But I've got to go. What—what'd you turn into? Nothing, honestly. I've got to find a phone. Oh, damn. Look, uh, how can I see you again?
Oh, you'll see me around. Right now, I know the whole area will be very tender, but it is particularly here. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, rather than here. Yes, I think—right now, just one more. Okay, that's fine. It's all over. Jent D9999. Give them my name, the University Medical Center, and where she is on campus. Tell him it's acute appendicitis.
Okay, we're going to take you into hospital. I'm sorry. I'm a nuance. I'm not at all. You were quite right to phone, but it's all right now. We know just what's wrong, and we know just what to do about it. You say you first felt it last night. Dr. McCannon examined you this morning, didn't he? Like I did? No, he—he didn't do that. He talked to me. Yes, I see. And he showed me how to breathe to make the pain go away. Yes. Well, I expect that helped a bit. Will I go in the ambulance? Yes. Now, there's nothing to worry about. I'll come with you if you like, or perhaps you'd like a friend? No, no friends yet. Okay, I'll come and hold your hand. You are very kind, sir. You and the other doctor. Not at all. Just doing our job. [Music] You didn't examine her, did you? Of course I examined her. Hy at the hospital said, in his opinion, it was about to rupture. He rather wondered what the hell we were playing at here when she told him she'd been seen by a doctor this morning with severe stomach pains. Is Dam in P? So are you. You see what happened? That poor girl's psychic pain was so acute, she worried herself into an inflamed appendix. Jock, you know that's nonsense. That girl came in with acute abdominal pains, and you didn't even examine her. I'm sorry to have to say this, but it's a clear case of negligence. So it's you. What I thought it would be. Rosemary or the blackhearted Buzzard. They've tried to get rid of me before, but it's you. It—have you come to this University to destroy me, Ste? No, of course not. I'm simply saying—yes, yes, I know. I confess my OT; I was wrong about that Puy girl. I should have examined her. An error of judgment, Steven, not negligence. You're not like them. You have compassion, and you're a good doctor. You saved that Puy girl. You wouldn't destroy old CH, would you? No, I wouldn't destroy old Jock. Thank you, Steven. I knew you had a heart in you. But look, I know, I know. Mcper. I've been going through a wee bad patch, Steven. Life in tatters, with an ego theo like a guttering candle. But you'll get me through it. I know you will. Will you take a wee dram with me? Ah, of course. Total abstainer? No, I'm not. But I'm still on bloody duty, aren't I? [Music] I—from where you ever been before? Got to get your act together, with—not [Music] show we love you. [Music] We need you. We love you. We hear you. We need [Music] you. We're living in a l life City. All there's one or two are sitting pretty, and you got to get your act together. Please be sure we love you. We need [Music] you. We love [Music] you. We hear you. We need you. We love you. And we've all got to live together, that's for sure. We love, we [Applause]