The Mystery Zone

Okay, I am the problem. Wow, self-awareness. She might be a keeper. Let's find out.

I went on a date with this guy, and he was like, "It's getting late. Do you want to come back to my place?" And I was like, "Sure, but I'm not going to sleep with you." Okay, demonstrating value, making good choices. And he was like, "That's totally fine. Just come over." Okay, being supportive, recognizing her needs. That's a good exchange.

So I go to his place. He respects my wishes. He's so nice. He cuddles me all night. And I'm like, "Are you gay?" Oh, yeah. Okay, you are the problem. So you said no, but you meant yes. And when he didn't figure it out, that made him weak.

This is what I call the Mystery Zone. It's when women say things that don't match what they want, and they expect you to figure it out. Someone made this cartoon about it. "Are you flirting with me?" "Not one bit." "Do saying 'not one bit' seductively mean you actually are flirting with me?" "Not at all." "What the hell is happening right now?" That is exactly how the Mystery Zone works. That is what she probably did.

Bill Burr also has a famous bit on that. He's not the only one. So, first of all, I've been told that she is a comedian and that this is a joke. So please refer to my previous work on jokes. There's this one, and then there is "Abby's Perfect Man." That, that was a good one.

It may very well be a joke, but that doesn't mean that they don't mean it. The joke is, I'm not supposed to say it out loud. So, to be really quick about it, every joke needs a target. That's what gets punched. That's why they call it a punchline. And every joke needs an example of doing it wrong.

So if your target is something that your audience is okay with you punching, and the thing you're doing wrong is something that your audience can tolerate you doing wrong, you're more likely to get a laugh. Her target is herself: "I am the problem." And her doing it wrong is, "I am playing dangerous games. I am saying no when I mean yes because when I get what I want anyway, it's more fun than when I say yes and mean yes."

Here's a last-minute edit: She's saying it's more fun for me to put men through this, which confuses them, which results in no one knows what means what. That's why they came out with these enthusiastic consent laws a few years ago. It's apparently pretty complicated.

Here's a three-year-old post: "I feel dirty for opening Reddit." Says, "Is enthusiastic consent a heightened standard of consent or is it a pleonasm?" Whatever that is. It gets academic. So these laws are intended to simplify all of this down to just this: It's either a very clear yes, or it's a no. And then you don't have to worry about ending up in any of these bad boxes because she said no and meant no, but you thought she meant yes because you are used to girls who say no and mean yes, and you don't know where the lines are. And it would be great if we could simplify it down to this, but writing laws does not make women choose to communicate this way. They still choose to play these games because it's more fun. So writing a law doesn't actually prevent anyone from ending up in any of these bad boxes. They just create more punishments when they happen. Don't do this.

By the end of this video, I'm going to show you the simplest way to learn the skill of dealing with this nonsense. If you like learning new skills in a simple way, you should try Shortform, the sponsor of this video. Shortform is an easier way to learn new things. See, there's one already. It's a library of non-fiction in summary form, so you can absorb key takeaways faster. I use Shortform to brush up on old classics and to discover new things. You can quickly learn about motivation, communication, business, and a lot more. I always wanted to read "Thinking, Fast and Slow," but I didn't have time. This summary helps me understand major points like the two systems of the mind. Shortform publishes new book guides and articles every week, and as a member, you get to vote on which ones. They even have their own AI browser extension to summarize articles and videos at the click of a button. Click my link in the video description to sign up. If you're in the first 500, you'll get a free trial with unlimited access and 20% off membership, so act fast if you want access to one of the most powerful forms of learning I've seen. Use the link in the video description for a free trial and 20% off.

So why, why do women choose this? Let's ask her. "I wasn't going to sleep with him, but I just now I feel ugly. I just wanted him to try, and then for me to be like, 'No.'" "You know what you mean?" "Yeah, I know what you mean."

What you mean is, "Hey buddy, don't try it, but I secretly want you to try a little, but only up to a certain point, and if you get past that point, that's going to be bad for you, but I'm not going to tell you what that point is. I'm going to tell you not to try, but I want you to try up to a certain point, and if you cross that point, your life is over. And if you don't get close enough to that point, I'm going to tell everyone in the group chat."

What you mean is that you love chaos. Which is typical. The feminine principle is the dark principle in most spiritual systems. It's receptive, it's chaotic, whereas the masculine principle is orderly and light and direct. It's assertive. And receptive. It works like a battery. One feeds into the other. The more feminine she is, the more she wants life to happen to her. She wants you to make things happen. She wants you to say what is going to happen next. She doesn't want to tell you what to make happen. That's where we get these areas where she says nothing but wants something, or when she says or does something that doesn't match what she wants. Because if she comes out and just says very clearly, "I want this to happen," well, then everyone wins, but it's also safer, which is less fun because she doesn't get to be receptive. She had to say what was going to happen, and she wants you to do that.

And I know someone is going to say, "Not everyone's like that. Everyone's different." And that's kind of true, but not really. Most women are very feminine and are looking for men who are masculine and dominant. There are more masculine women. I have met them. They don't do very much of this. They just kind of say, "Here's what's happening. Here's what's not happening." And then you go, "Okay, great." And there isn't very much of this. But most women are not like that. Most women will communicate like this, or not at all, and they want you to say, "Here is what is happening now," and you need to be correct about what she wanted, whether she said it or not.

So how do you do that? Yeah, we don't know either. That's why they have websites explaining it for college students in Australia, I guess. The website provides five core concepts of consent, and in case you want to bring notes, and it breaks down seeking and receiving consent into verbal and reading body language, which doesn't solve any problems, because if she's playing dangerous games, if her words and intentions don't match, you can't solve that problem by saying, "Please tell me what happens now. Please take this role and say what happens next." This is what she's trying to do. You can't be this. And reading body language is just reading her mind. It's just figuring these out. That was the original problem. We don't speak body language. Imagine going to court and saying, "But your honor, she nodded and smiled." That's really missing the point.

People write these pages and pages of instructions because they're trying to create cognitive, logical processes to make up for emotional skills that a lot of young men just don't have. A lot of old ones too. So knowing what to do with these strategies comes from experience. It does not come from reading words on screen, although you should read the screen. It's better than nothing.

So if you don't have experience and you think you're being messed with, you need to know what are your options. Please notice that these are the good choices on these diagonals, and these are the bad choices on these diagonals. Please also notice that these bad choices, where you go home or say no, are way preferable to these bad choices. I put skulls on them.

So if she says no but still wants you to try, and you don't, "Are you gay?" And if she says yes and means yes, and you don't, then that's just her problem. "But I just now I feel ugly." And if she says nothing and wants you to try, then it's, "Why don't men get hints?" These are all very tolerable compared to these.

Okay, are you frustrated yet? Take a deep breath. In through your nose, out through your mouth. Okay, this seems like a lot. It seems complicated. Women sometimes will withhold communication or say the opposite of what they mean on purpose in order to test you and see if you can read their minds, which of course you cannot. Otherwise, we wouldn't be here. And it can lead to this whole grid of possible outcomes that are very difficult to calculate in the moment. And it's such a big recurring issue that every generation of comedians keeps coming up with their own material about it. And I don't know if you remember this song from 11 years ago, "I'm Still Mad About This." The song is called "Blurred Lines" by Robin Thicke, and he tried to use it to address this whole minefield, but then everyone kind of attacked him, so he sort of just stepped on a mine.

But you don't have to do that. I'm going to reduce this whole thing to a 2x2 grid. I like grids. And then if you end up here, a subsequent 2x2 grid, and then one weird trick to start understanding body language if you don't already. Because let's face it, if men could read a set of instructions like this and understand what it means by providing another visual affirmative cue, then this wouldn't be a multigenerational point of contention. You should read the instructions anyway. They're just not comprehensive. But first, here are the simplified instructions.

Okay, we no longer live in a cohesive society that maintains stable relationships. We live in an unholy sex tornado where people make whatever choices they want, and if you try to tell them not to do that, they scream at you. You usually, it's something like this, and usually they look something like that. If you are a man who has any kind of success in the tornado, you will probably encounter some women who play games. They will either not say what they're thinking or say the opposite of what they're thinking, and then expect you to make the correct guess. This can be very confusing, but it doesn't have to be.

First of all, forget about what you don't know. This is a good rule for everywhere in life. Why, why would you worry about what someone is thinking but not saying? That's like worrying that maybe there's a meteor hurtling towards you right now. You don't know that. Why would you worry?

So what do you know? You know what she is saying to you and what she is doing with her body. In this story, she said, "I'm not going to sleep with you," but then she put her body in his bed. He didn't try anything, and she was mad. He made the right choice. That's this box right here. We'll get to that one last.

First of all, a verbal no and a body language no is always a no. That should not require additional explanation. Second of all, a verbal yes but a body language no is also a no. This is another good rule for life in general. It's very easy to lie with your words. It's very difficult to lie with your actions. If people say one thing and do another, trust what they do. She's not into it. Bail out.

Third of all, if she says yes and her body language is yes, it's usually okay to proceed, unless she's intoxicated. But finally, if she says no but is acting like yes, you get to this box here, which can confuse some people, and there's no reason for that to be. To explain why, I have expanded this box.

So if she's saying no but acting like yes, oh my God, stop. Don't you have two choices? You can try something or go home. Now, if you go home and she wanted you to do something, she might call you gay. So I get called gay a thousand times a day. Actually, they usually say "incel," but it's a very similar level insult, and I sleep like a baby. So, what? Go home.

If you go home and she didn't want you to do anything, nothing happens. No good things and no bad things happen. Neutral. If you try something and she wanted you to try something, what are you going to get? Are you going to get a wife and the mother of your children? No, you're going to get a random sweaty hookup, and it might not even be that good. On the other hand, if you try something and you were wrong, and she didn't want you to, I've drawn you a tiny little nuclear explosion to simulate what might happen to your life. Don't do this.

So the reason people are confused and keep writing songs about this is because they think winning this game means either ending up here, or if you end up here, knowing when to make the right call. But even if you do make the right call, what are you getting? A woman who plays games? What do you want that for?

So the real winning move is to go home, let her say whatever she wants, and find a better woman later. So we'll just put a red X in this box too. Don't mess with girls that play games. That means the only box you're looking for is the verbal yes and the body language yes.

But if you don't understand how to read body language, what good is it to read a list that says seeking consent can look like reading body language with a list of examples? So these games wouldn't be games if everyone knew what was going on. Women tend to think that men know what they're thinking more than we really do, and they will always say things like, "Why don't men get hints?" And then their hints are just like, they'll look at you real quick and look away, even though they also do that to guys they don't like. And people shouldn't do this. They should communicate clearly. And if they don't, you should usually leave. But they're also not going to stop doing these things, especially not overnight. So your only option is to get better at discerning this from this.

A lot of guys don't like this and they say, "I'm not a mind reader. I don't know what you're thinking until you tell me." And you're not wrong. It's just that when you say that, you are asking women to learn to communicate differently while you are not learning to communicate differently, and that's not how you make your life better. You have to do some of the work.

Earlier, I promised you one weird trick for doing that. Here it is. Lists like these will say, "Just read body language, bro. Just check for signs." And that doesn't always work because this is an emotional skill. You cannot read it off a list. Men are usually in their heads, the logical part. They're thinking about words and reading lists. Women are usually more in the feelings, the "what do I want" part of being human. And, uh, "where do I fit in? Who am I? What's going on here?"

So as a man, you're going to need to use your head to get into your feelings. This is a skill that takes time. You are bringing your subconscious mind into your conscious mind by checking on it. So when you are in a situation where you do not know what someone else is feeling, stop using reason and logic and ask yourself, "Does this person feel more like they are watching the waiter bring out appetizers, or more like they are watching the cops bring a speeding ticket?" Because the behaviors can look quite the same. They might be sitting patiently, smiling politely, they might say thank you, but the emotional experience is very opposite. This is desirable. This is not.

Your job is to know when you are the waiter and you are the cop. And it's going to take time. You're going to be slowly piping your subconscious thoughts into your conscious mind. And even if you get good at it, you will not always know what's happening. But that's okay, because that means you're dealing with someone who isn't telling you. And then there's only one good choice anyway. Another problem solved forever. You're welcome.

All you have to do is forget about mind reading and making guesses. Focus on what you do know, like words and actions. If you are having trouble interpreting the actions, use the cop-waiter trick to get out of your head and into your emotional processing. And if you still don't know what's going on, then don't roll the dice on this. These are not equivalent outcomes. And that's how you avoid women who know that they are the problem.