Transcription
foreign [music] reached out to me and asked if her husband could adopt my daughter, asking if I would be willing to sign over my parental rights and uh allow him to [music] adopt.
What's up? This is the Dr. John Deloney Show, and I'm John. Man, I'm so glad that you're here. The greatest mental health and relationship and parenting [music] podcast ever recorded, right here. I'm glad that you're giving us your most precious resource, which is [music] your time. If you want to be on the show, go to JohnDeloney.com, ask, and fill out the form. Let us know what's going on in your life, and we'll [music] get back in touch with you, and we'll have you on the show. Can't wait for it.
Um, okay, so I'm super jazzed today. We're going to talk about something that's near and dear to my heart, and it's one of the top questions I get asked all the time on the on the Instagrams, on the Facebooks, on the phone calls, emails, however people can get a hold of me. My friends ask, "Supplements, supplements, which supplements should I take? Why should I take them? We don't even need to be taking." All the questions about supplements. And normally, on these type of shows, the conversations get highly, highly technical. So I'm going to leave the the technical aspects of all of this to the Andrew Hubermans and the Peter Attias of the world, much smarter guys who are med school professors and medical doctors. I'm going to talk about supplements today, um, in a way that I can understand it, and I'm not the sharpest tool in the shed. And then I'm going to let you know about a new partnership I got that is going to change you and your family.
So here's the deal. People take supplements for a million different reasons. Some of them are because of fads, right? Some study on the John Deloney show will come out, or some study on Yahoo News will come out, and then everyone will will be like, "Oh, I got to take this." Some of them, uh, some YouTuber is like, "Bro, you should..." has some financial stake in his own supplement line, um, and he wants you to to take all these things. Or your doctor recommends it, and doctors sometimes get a swath panel, meaning they just say, "You know what? You should have some vitamin C and some vitamin D and some zinc." And then people go off to Walgreens, and they, or they'll go to Walmart, and they'll buy the cheapest thing they can find, or they'll find, um, the brown bottle that looks like it's like ancient medicine. It's like some kind of potion, and that looks like it's gonna be more like, yeah. Um, and they take that stuff. Some people take supplements because there's possibly less nutrients in food now that we're genetically modifying, whatever. And you got on that rabbit hole. Um, they have more chronically stressful lifestyles, pollution, all kinds of different reasons. Um, some people take them for training advantages or sporting advantages or to help augment or, um, augment, um, neurological function, right? Cognition, uh, smart drugs, they call them, nootropics.
So here's the thing you need to know about supplements. The industry is the Wild West. The number of studies that have come back showing, we just like the third-party testing groups will go grab supplements off random grocery store shelves, off local corner store shelves, off Walmart shelves, whatever, and they will test them. And the number of different chemical compounds they find in these things, how it says, you know, "It's got 500,000, you know, milligrams of vitamin D in there," and there's eight milligrams, right? Like, whatever. It's the Wild West. It's not even like the FDA, which, we all know, is just knocking it out of the park the last few years. It's, it's simply like, make it up as you go. And it is causing people to take the wrong things. It's causing professional athletes to test positive for things that they're they didn't intentionally ingest. Um, it's causing people to waste a ton of money. And most supplements, I'm sad to say, are trash. Trash. They're no good. They're no good.
Years ago, years ago, um, I was introduced to a company called Thorne, T-H-O-R-N-E. And their promise was, "We are the purest supplements on the planet." And we have multiple third-party testers. And they, um, have partnerships with the Mayo Clinic, with companies all over the world, saying, "We are not just going to put labels on things so and and have you trust us. We're going to have third-party testers run studies, and they are going to show you that what we say is true." And then they became the athlete supplement of choice because athletes could take them and trust that what they were taking was actually in the supplement, and they weren't going to test positive for some sort of anabolic agent that they weren't allowed to be having. Um, so I started years ago taking Thorne supplements. Here's why I do it. Um, a couple of reasons. One, I've had multiple consults with doctors over the years, and I've always worked pretty closely with doctors. And I'm into woo stuff and all that, but, um, I run pretty hard. And y'all [laughter] heard me say, "Man, you're a lot." Um, but I put my body through it. Um, so when I run stress tests, my stress biomarkers are very high. They're not as clean as they should be. Um, this week, I wrote this down. This week, I'll be in three different states, multiple time zones. Last week, I spoke to, uh, three, uh, three different of speaking of, uh, speaking engagements for hundreds of people at one corporate event, then flew to Los Angeles for another event. I've got a writing deadline going. I've got two little kids that I'm running around with. I have a Battle of the Bands heavy metal event this weekend that's gonna be in front of a couple thousand people. Then I get on a plane to go to a funeral in another state. Like, I'm all over the place. And so I run hard. And that's just, I'm on this end of the spectrum. But before I was doing that, I was just a parent of two little kids trying to get my job done, trying to get my exercise in. And so this has been a pattern my whole life. I run pretty hard. And most of the people I know run pretty hard. And I work out every day. I have a, I don't always sleep well. I don't, I don't always eat well. So here's the thing. Um, I take supplements because I've sat down and looked at my blood markers, and I know that when I take, I don't know, I only almost exclusively take Thorne stuff. I can see the difference in my blood markers. I can feel it over time, of course, but, um, I can see the difference. And I am playing a long game when it comes to my health. I trust Thorne so much that these are the supplements, the only supplements I give to my kids. And I [clears throat] do it every day. These are supplements I recommend to all my friends. I think half the people in the booth are on Thorne now. Um, it's just what I, when people ask me, this is, I say, "This is the best. This is who, who I, who I use." And I've been spending my own money on Thorne supplements for year after year. After my wife says, "One day, when we can't afford our kids to go to college, that, um, maybe Thorne will send them to school," because that's how much money I've sent to them over the years. I also like testing stuff on myself, just n equals one. I wonder what happens if I take this for 60 days or something like that. So, um.
foreign. I take them on a regular basis. I take them. They're important to me. And, um, I also know there's a lot of garbage out there. So the most common question I get is, "What do I take? What do I take? What do I take? What do I take?" Here are the Thorne products that I take on a daily basis. Um, and I want to say this with one caveat. If you run out and just buy what I'm telling you right now, um, that's the dumbest thing you could do because you and I have different bodies, clearly, because, um, I [laughter] was gonna say I'm a smoke show, but I'm not. Everyone in the booth is like, "No, you're not." Um, I've got different health priorities. I've got different stressors. I've got different life than you do. I've got also got different genetics than you do. I've got different. So don't just run out and copy everything here, which is a common thing I used to do back in the day. Um, but I will tell you some, a couple things I think every single grown-up should be on. I'll tell you what I give to my kids every day. Um, and then I'll, the most important one is the sleep. Um, the things that I've dialed in to help me with sleep, and I'm still messing with it here and there. And then at the end, I'll let you know of a pretty remarkable, um, thing that we're doing for the John Deloney gang, the people who listen to the show.
All right, so here's what I take, um, every day of the week. I take creatine, creatine, however you want to say it. I take vitamin D, K2. I take fish oil, take the Super EPA, B12, Creatine, CoQ10, and a few others here and there. But the big ones that I think every single person should take: creatine, B12, fish oil, vitamin D. I think most people should get that from going outside and living an outside-ish lifestyle. If you don't, you should take vitamin D, K2 as well. Um, and K2 just helps with transport. That's a whole other conversation. Um, the rest of these, the Q certain, the CoQ10 are things I've dialed in with my doctor over time. Um, it just helps with my particular set of genetics. Everybody in the booth takes something different, but everybody also circles back to vitamin D, fish oil, B vitamins. And by the way, I give those to my kids every day. I give my kids fish oil. I give my kids B12. And I give one of my kids a half dose of creatine in the morning and at night. Here's the big one. Helps me with sleep. I credit, and we can disagree all day long, um, I credit over time, over about a year of taking, um, several of these supplements for healing my anxiety, helping me learn to sleep again. And I've tested my sleep with Whoop strap and things like that. So here's what I take at night. I take full spectrum hemp oil, which has been a game changer for me. Um, it does not have any THC in it or anything like that. It does have CBD in it, a little bit, but it's full spectrum hemp oil. And I credit that with a lot. It's helped over the years. Now I take it once or twice a week, maybe three times on a wild week, but I don't take it every day. I did for a long time. I take Gaba 250, and I take phosphatidylserine, which is, uh, Thorne does it. It's an anti-stress, which is pretty incredible. And magnesium by glycinate. And I take those with some, almost every night, if not every night. And I tell you what, my sleep falls off a cliff in a pretty impressive way. Um, they've become an important part of my overall health routine. Um, I've got a special cabinet for all the shenanigans I've got up there. I've started recently messing around with Thorne. They've came out with a powdered greens product, which I like. And I've been taking that. And I take a couple other things here and there just to test and see what it's doing. But over time, here's what I've seen: increased cognitive functioning, increased energy throughout the day, and increased depth and length of my sleep. And those three things, being able to think clearly, being able to have some energy throughout the day, and being able to sleep, um, are the three most important factors of my life. And by the way, I'll say this, um, there is a number of studies that talk about the importance of fish oil and B vitamins when it comes to low-level depression, anxiety, other things. So those are definitely conversations to have with your doctor.
So here's the deal. That, um, it's been two years in the making. Um, I was, you notice I don't recommend supplements on the show, which is weird. Everyone's always talking supplements all over the place. And I've turned down a number of opportunities with different supplement companies because I'm very particular about what I take. And I wanted to make sure if we're going to do anything, it's going to be what I take at my house, what I give to my kids. And that's Thorne. Thorne, because they're pure, because they spend money on external testing, because they say they are who they say they are. And by the way, in dealing with a company, the people behind the scenes, they're great human beings. Like, they're not scumbag companies. They're not fly-by-nights. They're in this for the long haul. Um, they're expensive, there's no question about it. And so the way supplement companies usually, um, the way they work on podcasts is it's a rev share split, right? So you buy something with the code "Deloney" on it, and I get a piece of it, and they get a piece of it. The cool part is about Thorne is they let me set my discount as high as I want. It just cuts out what I make here. And we all met up as a team, and I am much less concerned about making a bunch of money on this than I am about people in your home, like everyday moms and dads like you, everyday brothers and sisters and sons and daughters like you listening to the show, who are either dabbling in supplements for the first time, or who have been is taking crap for a long time and it's not doing anything for you. I'm, I'm interested in helping you change your life in the way that me and my family have been able to do over the years. And I also know that not everybody's blessed financially to just have a billion dollars to blow on, um, supplements all the time. So, um, here's what we've set up for you. If you go to Thorne.com, T-H-O-R-N-E.com, slash U, the letter U, slash Deloney. Thorne.com/U/Deloney. If you're watching this on YouTube, it's in the lower third. And if you listen to this on podcast, there's a link in the show notes. You're going to set up an account, which is going to take three or four minutes, and then you're gonna get 25% off everything. Some people like, "Yeah, you get free shipping." Dude, I'm gonna give you 25% off because it's less about me making money. I've been blessed. Y'all have been supporting the show, buying books, y'all have been taking care of us. And so this is really our way of taking care of you guys. 25% off everything in your account that you buy. And it's a good way to get going, to help your family get on the supplement train if you're going to, or to start taking a few supplements that are of great quality. I always recommend that nobody put anything into their bodies without checking with their doctor first. If you have a relationship with your doctor, if you're taking other things, if you, if you're also taking other medicines, please, please don't put medicine, don't put supplements in your body until you, uh, meet with your doctor. Um, but this is the, this is it. This is the big reveal. Um, this is the conversation about supplements. If you want to go down a rabbit hole, again, there's Andrew Huberman, there is Peter Attia, there's some other folks [music] in the space that are great resources, Lane Norton, um, the Mind Pump guys, we'll talk about them occasionally. There's [music] lots of discussions out there about why to take, what to take, and what it does to you at the [music] biochemical level. Um, that's not what I'm really interested in right [music] now. I'm really interested in you and your family being as well as you possibly can, having energy, being able to sleep, and being able to think throughout the day. Go to www.thorne.com/u/deloney for 25% [music] off everything. We'll be right back.
Hey, Deloney here. And I've got a word from our sponsor, from BetterHelp. I've been on the giving and receiving end of therapy for years. When I was spinning out like a decade ago with wild anxiety, I had a moment, that light bulb moment, that I knew I had to do something different. I knew I had to change something, probably a lot of some things, right? But I found myself without the tools for taking the next step. And when you're facing problems or challenges in life, it's way too easy to get stuck in that anxious spiral of doom. I've been there. But when you learn how to stop that cycle and start taking ownership of your life, that's when you're free. And that's what therapy can help you do. It gives you the tools you need to do the problem-solving in your own life. And that's why I love BetterHelp. BetterHelp is online therapy that offers video, phone, and even live chat sessions with your therapist. It's more affordable than in-person therapy, plus you can be matched with a therapist in under 48 hours. If you're ready to get the tools that you need to deal with the curveballs life's thrown at you, therapy can help. Visit BetterHelp.com/Deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp.com/Deloney.
All right, we are back. Let's go to Gray in Tampa, Florida. What's up, Gray? How's it going?
Dr. Don Deloney. I'm John. But good, man. How are you? That's what I meant. Very cool. Uh, what's up, dude? How are you?
Things. I was gonna say, um, was you, you, uh, you have permission to call me on my cow pies. So you already started with that. We're off to a good start. Excellent. Hey, uh, real quick, you're there in Florida. Uh, did y'all make out okay? Y'all doing okay?
I live about an hour north of Tampa, so we were okay. But, uh, with my job, I'm an electrician. I've been down in in the thick of it all week, and it's pretty, pretty heartbreaking.
Yeah. Well, thank you for being one of the linemen out there working. Um, I know you [clears throat] guys are working around the clock to get power restored to that community. So thanks for your, for your service, my brother.
You know, I'm not a lineman, but I do all the commercial stuff. So as they bring in power, I'm there to, uh, uh, to help get it going. Make sure everybody's safe inside.
Awesome. Well, thank you so much, man. All right, what's up? How can I help?
Okay, um, you're gonna have to kind of bear with me through, uh, through this. Um, but first, I'm gonna give you permission to speak into my life. Um, so awesome. I have, I have a daughter, um, who's five years old, and she lives in Alabama with her mom and stepdad. Okay. Last year, my daughter's mother reached out to me and asked if her husband could adopt my daughter, um, having me sign over, asking if I would be willing to sign over my parental rights and, uh, allow him to adopt.
foreign. Rough time. Um, like, I got that, that text. Um, yes, she sent it in a text. That's a whole other story. But, um, she sent it in a text as I was pulling back in the driveway from my little brother's funeral. Okay. So I, I didn't have time to cope, couldn't cope with those two things at once. And now it's been some time, and, um, I don't know how to walk forward on this. I have been out of my daughter's life, um, for most, most of her life. After, um, the, the court, and, um, I don't know the proper term here, so forgive me, but after paternity was established, right before my daughter turned two, um, I did have a relationship with my daughter. We would video chat pretty consistently. Um, I would talk to my daughter's mom on the phone probably three or four days a week, and video chat with my daughter a minimum of two days a week for about a year. And then my daughter's mom thought it would be best for her to only have one dad in her life, and that wasn't me. So she hasn't wanted me a part of my daughter's life for the past about two, two years. And, um, I haven't gone to a court system to try to fight. And that's kind of what I'm calling about. Is it, I don't know if it's right to, to, to fight and go through the battle of custody, um, when I've seen how my daughter's mom reacts to her her son's father. My daughter has an older brother, um, the same mom, and, uh, they, they dealt with that. And even though the courts did get involved, it still wasn't a good situation for nearly anybody. Um, and I don't know the ramifications of of that on a kid. My parents were divorced and lived in different states for a little while, um, but I also grew up in the home with my mom and dad until about middle school. So it was a bit of a different situation there.
When's the last time you've seen your baby girl?
Four years ago.
Why? One is, I'm [clears throat], I haven't been in the area, and I haven't been. Why, why is this a particularly hard call for me? Because I got a six-year-old little girl. And I, I know that's why I gave you permission to speak to my life, and I knew it was going to be hard.
Well, I, I, I, I, so yeah, I'm just going to be direct with you. Um, I flew my family out to be with me this weekend while I was doing an event in Los Angeles, and they came, and we ran around town, and it was fun. And then they flew out a day early because I had an event to do. I, I almost woke my daughter up last night when I got home. And it was 24 hours. I don't breathe well when she's not around. The idea of going four years intentionally, like, bro, I'd be mowing yards in Alabama, dude. I don't know what. I don't know. I, I can't wrap my head around it psychologically.
So why haven't you seen your daughter in four years?
I don't have a good answer for that. Um, every, every time I have attempted, it has been shut down, um, with, um, "You're, you're not, you're daughter's dad anymore." And, "Hey, hold on, we don't want her to know about you." Well, she's gonna know about you. So that's, I, I know, I know that's the case. But, but hold on. They are right. You haven't been her dad, correct? That's fair. You fathered this kid, but you have not been her dad, correct?
Going all the way back to the beginning, it's a lane that she sent this into a text. And you might be the kind of guy that has to get it in the text because she's not safe to call you on the phone, or you're gonna act like an idiot, or what? Who knows, man. Or she's gonna get mad. Who knows? Um, but if that's what you're, if that's how she felt safest to contact you, that's, I mean, that's not how I would have done it, but I don't have a relationship with you and I don't know how you are about things. Um, like, I'll be video chat is not a relationship, correct? Um, you basically were a television show for your daughter with an interactive character. A relationship is showing up and physical touch and eyesight and letting her see a part of herself in you, because a part of her is in you. That's a relationship. So you chit-chatted on a, on a computer, right? But that's not relationship. Um, I can be, I'll be honest with you, this sounds more about ego than it does about your daughter. This sounds more like you're struggling with the fact that you're gonna put a period at the end of a sentence and let another man raise your daughter. And if that's the case, you need to get over yourself and let the man who stepped up to be in her life be fully in her life. And that's, that's what it's about.
So I'm, I'm married with a, a son, um, and we obviously live in Florida. Um, and, um, my wife and I have had a handful of conversations about this. And, um, the, the option is, let her, her new husband obviously be her, her dad, or my wife and I go all in, move to Alabama, and do whatever we can to, to find a way to be a part of my daughter's life. And I don't know what either one of those look like, and I'm pretty, pretty scared of both options, honestly.
Yeah, man, you've backed yourself into quite the corner. Actually, you know what? You haven't. You let your daughter go a long, long time ago. You're trying to reinsert yourself into her life. I can imagine your current wife, does she have a hard time with this?
Yes.
I can't imagine being married to somebody who would let one of their kids just, just roll off. Like, I would think less of the, my romantic partner. Does that make sense?
Yeah.
A little bit more, more context. Um, like I said, when the courts established paternity, that [clears throat] was just before my daughter turned two. Um, what took so much, um, well, my daughter's mom and I split up, um, before even the first ultrasound. So we weren't even sure, um, you know, at the time. I, we weren't sure if I was even the father.
No, why'd you wait two years for a paternity test? Why don't you get a paternity test the second that baby was born?
Because I was terrified, just like I am today.
Yeah, dude, you're scared, man. And I get it. But you lost your daughter. I hope the fear was worth it, man, because you lost your daughter. And that's a conversation you'll have one day with this little girl who's gonna say, "Daddy, what was so bad about me that you didn't show up?" And you're gonna have to say, "Well, I was really scared."
Right. Yeah. Yeah.
And I play that scenario out in my head all the time. And, but you've been playing it for six years, right? Five years. How old is this little girl?
Five.
Geez, man. Like, this is so, man, I'm not gonna keep saying that. I just don't have the psychology for it. Um, I, I don't know what keeps you from knocking off work today and driving to Alabama and saying, "Hey, I want to have a sit-down conversation with the other two grown-ups in my child's life." Um, and I guess at this point, you're married, so bringing your wife along too. And here's what I can't answer. I can't answer the psychological impact on this little girl other than to know it's gonna be, she's gonna have it rough either way. Um, she's gonna at some point reach out to you. Ah, man, I'm just thinking about this in real time, dude. Tell me that it wasn't going to be easy for anybody on, yeah, in, in this situation. Tell me about this stepdad. From the little I know about him, he's a pretty awesome guy. Um, I, uh, he, he's involved in, in their church, um, and has, has brought my daughter's mom and daughter into, um, a community with faith. Um, and he, uh, takes time. Um, for the longest time, I worked nights, and he works nights also, and it's just really hard on her body. And he would, first thing he would do when he would get home is just spend hours playing with, uh, his, our daughter. And he's, I don't have a bad thing to say about him.
Um, is it shaming to you that he's been more present in your daughter's life in that way than you have?
100%.
Okay. I'm just gonna run through a couple of ideas, man. But I'm telling you right now, I'm recommending things that I would never do. Okay? Is that cool?
Okay.
I can see a scenario where you drive to Alabama and you meet him for breakfast or lunch somewhere, and you get to know him, and you sign over parental rights to him and ask permission to write letters. The idea that they're gonna keep her from knowing about you is false. That will not happen. She'll figure it out. And if they lie to her, um, it's no good. But if there's a way that in 15 years, or seven years, or whenever they have this conversation, she's five, so it should be, it should be now, right? Um, that there is a backlog of letters from Dad talking about how much he loves you, or loves her, and how much he supports this man raising his daughter. Um, I could see that being one scenario. I can see another scenario where you.
foreign. Yeah, where [clears throat] you pack up everything and go to Alabama. Probably what's gonna happen is she's gonna take you to court, and you're gonna lose. Maybe not, but that would be my guess. Or you'll get every other weekend, and then you're gonna be seven months into a new state trying to find work, and it's gonna be a mess. Yeah. Either, either way, it's a mess. Um, and, and I, uh, what do you want to do? It depends on.
Nope, nope, nope. What time of day do you ask me? What do you want to do? Here's what I'm telling you. I'm not gonna judge either way right now. I've already, I've, you can hear my voice, I beat you up enough. What do you want to do?
I want to sign over my rights and have her new dad.
Okay. When? Where? Okay. Sign over the parental rights. Then, ma'am. Okay. They'll tell her. Hard thing it is to do, because I'll say that out loud to, to my wife, or by myself while I'm driving, and then I'll just break down and fall apart. Feel like that's the wrong thing. Then get in your car and move your family today, man. Like, you're just, like, you're wasting year after year after year, just driving down the same road, having the same conversation with yourself, and having the same reaction. Do something, man, because that little girl's getting older every day.
Have you corrected this with your son?
Yes. Yeah. Uh, yeah, he, uh, she has a very present dad. I'm not Bandit from Bluey, but I'm, I'm not either. I want to be so bad, dude. That dad's incredible, dude. I, I tell you what, that's, that's the benchmark that I try to hold myself to for, uh, my son. It's phenomenal. So, um, yeah, I worked a 31-hour shift yesterday and still came home and spent four hours, um, playing airplane and wackawaka and reading books.
Good. Um, in it. So I don't know, man. Part, this is the single most conflicted I've ever been on the show. I, I knew it was gonna be tough for you. I tried to phrase it in a way that she was prepared. No, I appreciate it. Beforehand, like, every, every ounce of my being says, "Go rescue that little girl." And every ounce of my being says, "You cashed out five years ago, dude. It's time to move on." But I know you can't move on from your daughter. And so I'll say it this way. There is no decision you can make that's not gonna cause people hurt. There's no decision you can make that you're gonna feel great about when it's over. And there's no decision you can make that is not gonna leave an ache inside your little girl that she's gonna have to manage for a long, long, long time. That ship has sailed. So now it's about making the best, right decision, even though it's gonna be painful, and even though it's gonna be hard. Because it's gonna be painful and hard to drive to Alabama and say, "I screwed up. This isn't the man I want to be, and I want to be present in my daughter's life. And you, sir, have been an extraordinary man. I honor you. I can't give my daughter away, um, but you have my full blessing on being her her stepdad here. But I'm gonna be living three miles away, and I want to see her every week." Or you drive down there and you meet with the three of them, with or with the two of them, and you'll have a hard conversation, and you sign over rights, but let them know, "I gotta write letters, and you gotta read the letters to my daughter." Because now y'all are all in this playing a long game for her psychological and physiological and spiritual well-being. And that daddy gap is big. The stress that Mom was under for the first two or three years of that little girl's life has altered her biochemistry, and it's gonna take a long time to heal. So either way, this is hard. And if you sign over parental rights, it wouldn't surprise me if your wife would leave you. And so moving from Florida, Tampa Bay, one of the most beautiful places on the planet, to Alabama, I can only imagine how hard that would be for everybody. Um, I'm sorry, I don't have a clean answer for you, dude. My gut tells me you, you cashed out a while ago. Um, you cashed out five years ago. And the guilt and the shame of standing in the shadow of this other guy who stepped in to help, um, is what's keeping you up at night, not your little girl, but your ego. And if that's the case, let it go. Let her go. Live whatever positive life she can under the loving arms of the sky.
If you're ready to change your life, control, alt, delete, and fix everything, just heal everything, and you're willing to pack up and move across the country and say, "I'm not living another day without my daughter in my life." Um, before you jump up and do that, you need to go have conversations [music] with the two of them. Because they may be ready to sue you and take you to court, and they will probably win. But I'd have that conversation. All [music] of this is done in person, on your dime, on your travel. Um, all this is done in person. [music] And stop having the same conversation in your head over and over and over and over, trying to find a loophole. [music] There is no way out. There's only through. And at the end of the day, this whole conversation is about the little [music] girl. It's about the little girl. We'll be right back.
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All right, we're back. Let's go to Stephanie in Rockford, Illinois. What's up, Stephanie?
Hey, how are you, John?
I'm good. How about you?
Good. Thanks for taking my call.
You got it. What's up?
All right, so, um, I have a teenage daughter. She is 15. Um, and about a year ago, she was diagnosed with anxiety and depression. So the reason I'm calling is because I'm struggling parenting with that. Okay? You know, how do you know, like, consequences and stuff like that? Because obviously her health is more important than the dishes being done. But [laughter] I still don't want to raise, you know, I still want to raise a good human. So, right.
Tell me the origin of the depression, anxiety. Where does that come from?
Oh boy. I'm so sorry. Yeah. So, so it's all very new to both of us. And so is she a happy-go-lucky kid, and this was just a left turn?
Yeah. Completely. Uh, uh, so yeah, I'm gonna change her. You got depression, you know, you got grief. You have it all. It's not that it's, it's, it's not my place to comment on diagnostics because I'm not in your sessions and I'm not in her sessions with whatever provider she's getting diagnosed from. But grief is hard and complex. Grief is hard. And I just don't believe this is personal. I just don't believe in diagnostics on the back end of such an explosion in the middle of a home. There is any behavior she has, whether she's running low or she's anxious, is absolutely normal. You know what I mean? Yeah. Um, I don't know that the diagnostic helps any. So let me ask you this. How have you been? Tell me about that. Um, you know, she was, um, hospitalized in January.
And was she suicidal as well?
Yeah. [clears throat] Um, no attempt. But not also was she suicidal? Uh, I guess she wasn't not acutely. But I guess if she was hospitalized, that means she was pretty far down the road, right?
Yeah. Okay. Does she want to be dead, or does she want to stop hurting?
Okay. And do you get the difference there?
Yes.
Taken. Oh, wow. Yeah. Of course. Of course. Can I ask you a very hard question that I don't mean in a shaming way at all? This is just me collecting data, okay? Has she felt over the last year that she's got to prop you up too?
Um, I don't, I don't know. I would like to say no, but I'm sure that there's been times. Um, for the most part, though, I would say no.
Okay. Did your husband, was this a surprise, or he'd been struggling for a long time?
Uh, no, it was a surprise.
Oh boy. I'm so sorry, Stephanie. So coming out of the, out of the fog, I'm gonna, I'm gonna just pretend here that 18 months, and there's that gnawing reality that this is real. And there's that low-level, just weight that sits on you. Is that still there?
Yeah, it just kind of is.
Um, have you had moments where you laughed and you felt guilty for laughing?
Yeah.
Have you had moments where you, like, somebody makes your heart beat a little faster, and you feel guilty about it?
No.
Okay. Have you been profoundly lonely?
I was okay.
Working on that part?
Good.
How do you feel guilty, like you should have known something or said something or done something?
Absolutely.
Yeah. Okay. So here's what we do. Coming out of survival is the sooner you can, well, number one, you can't rush grief. It just is. And it's a pain. It just is. It's awful, and it's hard, and it's right, and it's the worst, and it just is, okay? Um, there's some ways to manage it, and there's some things you can do over time so that when that fog begins to lift, that you can be, you can breathe, okay? But the quicker you guys, you and her, do you have any other kids?
No, just her.
Okay. The quicker you two recognize that there's not ever going to be a going back to normal, that we have to change everything, that everything is new now. That's a horrifying feeling of, it's just a period at the end of a long, messy, weep, like, weepy sentence. But it's also when the light starts to come on, because now you get to build what comes next. And what I would suggest is the path out for your daughter is feeling like she is participating in going towards something, not trying to survive something. Okay? And what that means is, you've heard me say this a lot, and, um, I would love to see you try it out, that you and your daughter go to go somewhere and spend a day or two or a weekend and have some sort of ceremony where you put to bed what was, this was our life, and now this is our life, and we get to construct it however we want. And here's the question we're gonna answer: Who are we going to be? And we're gonna talk in that, "Who are we going to be?" We're gonna be people who take care of our bodies. So we're gonna go for walks every day together, and we're not gonna eat pizza every night. Like, we're gonna take care of ourselves. That's who we're gonna be. We're gonna be people of service. We're gonna be people who think about other people before we think of ourselves. We're gonna be people who get stuff done. So I'll do the dishes, you do this, you do that. Does that make sense? And out of that, we're gonna give ourselves jobs, and we're gonna commit to holding each other accountable. The goal here is little wins. The, and the temptation is is to say, "Hey, you gotta do the dishes." She doesn't do them, you get mad, and that drives her further into a hole, which is just a normal pattern that parents and teens have. This is just an accelerated, or actually, it's a dampened, um, a dance that's the same dance, right? Um, this is gonna be a little bit different. This is who we are. This is how we do life together now. And so she is going to participate in the life of the household. She's not just gonna do crap to keep mom off her back. You see the difference? Yeah. And that starts with you saying, "I'm gonna commit to getting well." During the season of grief, your teenage daughter is going to watch her mom for how she's supposed to act. And I know that's a lot of responsibility on you. Yeah. Pride to, you know, just get a station. As much different, has she seen you be sad?
Yeah.
Okay. That's a good thing, by the way. Giving her permission to feel sad is okay. Letting her see her mom be sad is okay. In fact, that's a gift to her. Now it's about finding purpose in that home with this new life you are creating together. In this conversation you'll have, it would be, "Where do you want to go to college?" "Let's start having that conversation." "What do you think you might want to be?" "How could we make meaning of Dad's passing away?" Maybe she wants to go be a psychologist. Maybe she wants to go to med school. Maybe she wants to be an architect. Who knows what she wants to do? But let's start looking at what is tomorrow going to look like, and what are the things we need to do right now?
Have you sat down and had a conversation similar to that?
No. I mean, no, not that that one comes very much harder than the conversations you [laughter] can. It's, here's, here's why it's hard. Because when your husband died by suicide, life as you knew it was over. And we focus a lot in our grief on the person, and we forget, or we don't even know, that everything is different. A lot of times people run out and get remarried within three months or six months because they're trying to get back to normal. The body's job is to get back to homeostasis. It tries, it tries, it tries. And there is no homeostasis here. Everything is in ash. Everything. In this conversation, do we sell the house? Do you want to move to a new town? Do I need to get a new job? Like, we're having those conversations, and she's gonna play a part in it. She doesn't get the final say. And I would let her know, "I'm the mom, so I'm gonna make the final call, but I want to hear where your heart is." She doesn't get everything she wants. But hey, how do we, what are some things you want to be? Who are we going to be? We're gonna go to concerts. We are going to do things intentionally to bring joy into our lives, however hard it will be. And we're gonna buy tickets to concerts, and we may listen to two songs, we're just gonna leave because one of us starts crying. That's okay, right?
Yeah. How are you financially?
Um, okay. I mean, obviously inflation is not the greatest, but, yeah, we're okay.
Have you had to sell that? Have you sold the house?
No, we're still in the house.
Okay. Have you considered selling the house?
Um, I'm to that point that I think I would be able to. Um, where he died, um, was by a.
tree and that tree just uh fell on a random weekend. Um, and I felt like I could leave then. Took it. Took that. Like before, I felt like I couldn't. Like I just couldn't. Um, there's something profound about environment when it comes to grief. Mm-hmm. Um, I'm not saying that everybody who has somebody passed away has to sell their house, has to leave the state, but there is something freeing about changing the environment. Um, changing, quite honestly, everything. Some people stay in the same city and move houses. Some people just control, delete, and say, "I'm gonna go." I always wanted, I realize how precious and short life is. I always wanted to be a teacher. I'm going back to school to get my teaching certificate. Or I wanted to be a nurse. I'm going to get my nursing degree. Like, whatever happens, these are the moments that y'all sit down and you have these conversations together. And here's why the conversation with her is so important. Instead of you going off and doing this by yourself and making an announcement, because you get to model for her what the process of thinking and feeling and weeping and putting your foot down looks like. You get to say, "I've always wanted to do this and I never did it, and I think I'm gonna go back to school and do it. And it's going to be hard, and it's going to be scary, and it's going to be whatever, but I get to be in control of what comes next, however hard that is." And she gets to see, get a picture of what that looks like because she doesn't have a picture of what to do if that, when Dad dies by suicide, right? She doesn't have a picture of what, how do you, how do you replant after the forest burns down? And that's what you're going to offer her. And by the way, you may not have that picture either. Yeah, because I mean, we really didn't make any changes. You know, we just continued on without him here. Yeah. And even if y'all end up in a very similar situation, doing these very similar things, and she's going to the same school and all that stuff, the exercise in and of itself is valuable. And I want you to also hear the big picture. I have not focused on her anxiety and depression. Those are particular snapshots of a particular season of her life right now. If she's suicidal, she's got to go back to the hospital. If you find out she's going to take her own life, you gotta call 9-1-1 and do the whole thing over again, okay? And there may be more of that as a 15-year-old tries to wrestle with the overwhelming sense of dread and doom and hurt that she's going through right now. And there may be something to letting her know, um, or guarantee that she's asking herself, "What was so bad about me that Dad felt he had to go?" And I guarantee you've asked yourself that question too. Yep. It would really be helpful to her to let her know that you're asking that question as well, okay? It would also be really helpful for her to know that Dad wasn't well. Dad was sick. Had nothing to do with you. I mean, I've tried. I know. But let her know that you're having the same concerns inside yourself too. I'm so Stephanie, I don't think I've done that. Yeah. I'm, I, I'm just heartbroken for you. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Well, I appreciate hearing though that, you know, her anxiety and depression may, uh, you know, it may be a season. It may not be. I don't, I don't think your daughter's broken. I don't think she's malfunctioning. Um, I think her body's doing exactly what a 15-year-old body should be doing right now when Dad dies by suicide, which is every alarm it's got is going off to the point that the body gets exhausted and then it runs really low, turns everything off. I think depression and anxiety are on the same trend line. They work together.
And so it's a body that tells me it's a body trying to figure out where it is in space. Not to mention the hormones and the growing and all the other things that come along, though, just general crap of being 15, right? Right. Um, you put that on top of, I'm completely untethered from everything. And, and, um, yeah, you got a kid that just wants to stop everything. I just want, I just want to stop.
So let's begin to have a conversation of what does it look like to rebuild a life worth living in the shadow of what we've experienced? And that shadow is going to be as long as it's going to be. The shadow's not going to go away, but what you're going to find over time is that y'all are going to grow beyond. The shadow will always be there, but you're going to find that you grow way beyond that shadow. It's just hard to see it right now because everything's dark. Mm-hmm. This may be a conversation that you have with a counselor. Um, I think quite honestly, I think you've been thoughtful enough. You've got people in your life. I think you can write this stuff down and you can take her out for a girls' weekend and give you all, give yourself a moment to point back to. In times, this is when we went out. This is when we created this new family values. This is when we decided what our last name is going to be. This is when we decided where we're going to live for the next year, and then we're going to figure it out after that. This is when we decided whether you're going to college, where I'm going to keep working here. This is where we made some, some decisions and we held those decisions really loosely because plans change and grief is a terrible master. [snorts] But this is when we started looking for the light again. And this is when that little girl feels less crazy because Mom opens up and says, "Hey, I'm going through that too. And Dad wasn't okay. And it wasn't because he didn't love you. Dad loved you so much. And so for some reason, he thought you would be better off with him not here. God, we know he's wrong on this side of that choice. But we get to work together to create what happens next." I'm so, so sorry. We'll be right back. Hey, what's up? Now that my new book, "Own Your Past, Change Your Future," is out in the wild, we've been hearing reviews and feedback from readers and wow, I'm so grateful. And one of the things I've been most excited about hearing is that this book is not just for people who are healing from terrible traumatic experiences or other big scary things from their past. This book is for everyone in every walk of life. The single 30-year-old looking to sharpen their mind, the 25-year-old hoping to make new friends, the parent who's tired of seeing their kids' eyes glued to a screen but who doesn't know how to re-enter their life, people coming out of abusive relationships, everyone. And this book isn't me talking at you. This book is me walking with you because I've been there too. To better understand and improve your mental, relational, and emotional health, please check out "Own Your Past, Change Your Future" at JohnDeloney.com today. That's JohnDeloney.com today. All right, we're back. Um, hey, I just want to be open. I didn't have the greatest answers for today's show. Um, with the young man who hasn't been a part of his daughter's life for five years, um, there's not a lot of good choices to make. There's just the next choice. Um, a 15-year-old wrestling with anxiety and depression after her dad died by suicide, and her mom is struggling moving forward. It's just gonna be hard. Um, I love shows when I can just snap my fingers and say, "You got to do this or this and this." And this isn't one of those shows. In both of these situations, it's going to be a long, long slog creating a new life. And I always want us to roll back, whether it's a hard weekend you have, or a hard couple of years you have, or you lose somebody who's important to you, or you lose your job, or you look up and you haven't seen your daughter in five years, you look up and your husband's passed away and you're afraid you're going to lose your daughter too. [snorts] And at the end of the day, all of us, all of us can be about building a life worth living, a new life worth living. It's tough. Thank you for being with us. Don't forget, um, go to thorn.com/deloni to pick up supplements. And, um, I'm just, I just know this, I'm grateful for you. Grateful for you. Uh, the song of the day is from the great Rod Stewart. Song's called "Missing You," and it goes like this. Every time I think of you, I always catch my breath. And I'm still standing here and you're miles away, and I'm wondering why you left. There's a storm that's raging through my frozen heart tonight. And I hear your name in certain circles, and it always makes me smile. I spend my time thinking about you, and it's almost driving me wild. And there's a heart that's breaking down this long distance line tonight. I ain't missing you at all since you've been gone away. I ain't missing you, no matter what I might say. But he is missing. I'll see you soon.