Transcription
Welcome, everyone. Every time you walk through these doors, you're taking steps to find yourself. Remember, this is a safe place; there's no judgment. You are accepted right where you're at, and wherever that leads, to find your own peace and happiness. Feel free to express yourself to release your anxiety. I want you to be able to walk out with inner strength to finally be free.
Clayton, it's great to have you back. I know you don't like to share, but why don't you start us off tonight? We want to hear what you have to say.
[Music]
I'll wake up, puddle of sweat. I have nightmares, and I get back into bed. It's like these voices just keep playing on repeat in the back of my head, and I can't get them to leave me alone. Thirty years old, but still hate being alone when I'm home because that's when the voices get the loudest. Opening up like this is a moment far from my proudest, but these demons keep pressing me, I swear, and the foulest. But I've grown comfortable with their presence. My conscience is calloused; my dreams are their playground; my thoughts are their palace. I try to evict them; they return with more. Anxiety isn't an item you can return at the store.
I was 10 the first time I had a panic attack, like a punch to the stomach. There's no planning for that, and I didn't tell anyone because I was too scared about what they'd say. And I know deep down there was nothing they could do to take it away. It was my fight to fight and my battle to face. I remember that house I grew up in and how those demons would rattle that place. I'd lay awake at night just staring at the ceiling. I've spent my whole life trying to run from that feeling—the feeling of being lonely, the feeling of being lost, the feeling of being sick when the lights turned off, and I feel depressed. I feel anxious—the feeling of screaming to God, begging Him to take this, only to get silence in return. I lay in that bed crying, and I toss and I turn, and I turn and I toss. To this day, the doctors gave me medication; the pastor said try. I tried both, and the anxiety still hasn't gone away. So forgive me if I fantasize about gone.
Today, I'm an actor who got really good at being on. But when I turn off, I go right back into the shadows. I'm on the deep end now, but I started in the shadows, and I might just drown myself in these waves. Suburbia, how these homes rock raves. Everyone's coping with something below, too afraid to admit. And these kids are glued, watching me. What do I say? If I'm honest with them, maybe they won't think highly of me. Everything they want me to be is what I'm dying to be, but everything I really am is what I'm not trying to be. I want them to know that they're not alone in their struggles. I wake up in tears and fall back asleep in those puddles, and I don't think I'll ever get out of this valley. I'm terrified that all along, God is tallying my sins, and if He has the number, it must be astronomic. My life is a joke, and you keep reading just past the comics because everything you think that I am is far from the truth. I wish I could open up to you and just let loose, but my vocal cords get tight when the devil pulls on this noose. And then I'm back to keeping everything bottled up inside.
But he's not gonna keep me from pulling the throttle back this time. He's not gonna keep me trapped like this. I can't get out of bed; I was never made to act like this. I'm packing up my bags, and he can't stop me from running fast like this. I'm not gonna be a slave to these voices of anxiety. I'm shoving the devil back for every time that he lied to me, and I'm taking a battle to these demons who whisper despair in my ear. And I've been knowing every naysayer stands and stares when I'm near. I'm moving forward out of this slump. I took my bruises; I took my lumps. I fell down, but I got right back up. So give me a torch and light that up. I'm setting fire to the devil, and I'm dousing these demons with gasoline.
Look at you now; now you're not laughing at me. Now who's the one who's being tortured or punked? Now who's the one closing every door that I want? Now who's the one watching the other burn to the ground? Don't look away from me; you better turn back around. I'm not gonna talk to you now; I'm watching your moves. I'm on your back, and I'm stalking you too. And when you try to ruin some other kid's life, I'll be stopping you. You took 30 years of my life, and I can't get that back. You told me that in my life, I nearly got killed for that. You took me down, but I bounced right back. I was lost, then I got found like that. And everything you told me I wasn't, someone new told me I was. And everything you hated in me, someone new told me he loves. And when you tried to kill me with depression and anxiety, He reached in and placed hope deep inside of me.
So I'm done listening to you and letting you control me. I'm announcing it now that the devil can't hold me. I'm walking away from the old me, and I'm demanding a refund on every lie that you sold me. You knew I'd find a way out sooner or later, and I found my escape in the form of a savior.
[Music]
[Music]
Clayton, we're here to help. Are you sure you don't want to share?
I'm good, thank you.
[Music]
You.