Transcription
Yeah, other people may not think you're nice, but I do. And you're like, "Huh? Like in that way?" They almost mirror their affinity for victimhood to give you victimized compliments. "Hey, no one else like you, but I do. You're a victim, but I'm still good with you." That might say things like, "Everyone else is against you, but I'm not."
Today, we're going to be taking on the topic of covert narcissism. But before we get there, I ask you always, please hit that subscribe button and join this wonderful community learning about narcissism. And also hit that bell, and you'll get notifications each time we put out new content.
So, let's talk about what everybody wants to know more about: covert narcissism. The concept of covert narcissism, and it's also been termed vulnerable narcissism, is a more recent evolution in our understanding of the topic of narcissism and narcissistic personality in general. Now, in a word, if we're going to break it down, because that word "covert" is tricky, because we often think it means hidden. These are the victimized, vulnerable, anxious, socially less skilled, sullen, and resentful narcissists.
The concept of vulnerable or covert narcissism has arisen in about the last 20 to 25 years, as researchers pointed out that our traditional, sort of, I don't know, sort of DSM conception of narcissism is focused solely on the traditional grandiose narcissist, which we've already talked about, that sort of shiny, charismatic, confident, charming, witty, attractive, textbook narcissist. But what these researchers did a beautiful job of pointing out, and these include really heavy hitters in the field, Roning, Stam, and Campbell, Miller, and Pincus, they all noted that this misses the boat on a big part of the clinical picture of the narcissist. It misses the group of narcissists that lack that same level of social skill and finesse, who lack the charisma, who lack the charm. And in fact, they often present as somewhat depressed, victimized, or even needy. They also deploy, they also display other negative mood states such as irritability, hostility, anxiety, and even sadness.
However, they are narcissistic. So, they have the same themes as their classical and grandiose buddies. They are still grandiose, they are still arrogant, entitled, validation-seeking, but it looks and it feels different when you're in their presence. For example, the grandiosity comes out in a more back-door manner. They'd say something like, "You know what? I would have been the best in the business if I had just had a trust fund like him," or "I just had someone giving me money for my business." Or they say things like, "I'm so smart that it's a total waste of my effort to even show up at an hourly job. It's beneath me. I'm too good for that kind of simpleton work."
Their entitlement also has a very victimized feel. So, they may say things like, "Oh, I shouldn't have to take the time to take this ridiculous programming class, given that the professor doesn't know what he's talking about and I can program circles around him. Honestly, I should really just get credit for the class because I'm a top-flight programmer." Okay, they say that.
Now, their arrogance comes out as an antagonistic listing of all of the gifts they have that they believed were never recognized. And they will often, in a very contemptuous manner, dismiss the opinions and the knowledge of other people. Their validation-seeking consists of a lot of sort of gloomy sharing what they believe their unseen gifts and skills and contributions are. And in fact, they are often the toxic person who sits around and says that they know better than any of the experts on any number of issues, or what constantly criticize people who attempt something, try something, take a chance, or who are aspiring to do something with their lives. It's interesting because the covert narcissists themselves will never take those risks, but they will mock people who do.
Now, apparently, covert narcissists never got the memo that opportunity comes to those who seek it. And rather than just sort of grumpily sit at home wondering why their ship never came in, these are the folks who sit at home and wait for opportunity to magically show up at their door and knock, knock. And in that way, they can feel quite angry, resentful, and sullen when they watch other people succeed in a way that they aren't succeeding. And they will often dismiss the hard work and the efforts of other people who have really put in the time, the effort, and the energy. In fact, they will often attribute other people's success to that other person's just good luck, not their ability. And they will attribute their own lack of success to bad luck and the fact that the world is out to get them.
Now, they are not ever going to be able to notice, though, that other people are putting effort into something. They don't even entertain that hypothesis. Now, simply put, covert narcissists are chronic malcontents. They are never satisfied or content with anything. And that dissatisfaction comes out as criticism, complaining, contempt, anger, dismissiveness, frustration, all kinds of negative kinds of mood states and displays. They will complain about everything, and that makes life a miserable experience for anyone who has to spend time with them. And then when you throw on top of that their tendency to chronically view themselves as victims, it is feels darker and heavier and more morose than many of the other forms of narcissism.
Now, another pattern that is commonly observed in covert narcissists is their passive aggressiveness. Now, while their grandiose and malignant narcissistic buddies are more likely to kind of just tell you off to your face, to tell you you're stupid to your face, or tell you that they, that you don't know anything, the covert narcissists are more likely to do this in a sullen, back-door way. They'll say things like, "Ugh, must be nice to have a family that just always bails you out. Must be nice to get overpaid for your job. Must be nice that you have such a big house." You get the idea, on and on and on. And it's also quite manipulative.
There is a tremendous hypersensitivity observed in covert narcissism. In fact, this hypersensitivity to any kind of feedback, this is one of the patterns that will emerge in a relationship with a covert narcissist early on. They will often be lashing out at the world and always saying how unfair the world is. But one fine day, when you decide that you are done with watching them sitting there acting like a victim all the time, and you just say, "You know what? Just do something instead of complaining. Just do something." They will typically react with absolute rage. They are very vulnerable in the face of any kind of feedback, constructive criticism, anything like that. And their hypersensitivity in the face of that can look almost like paranoia. They truly believe that everyone is out to get them, and they live their lives in line with that assumption. They really walk around saying, "The world is against me."
Covert narcissists are prone to chronic argumentativeness, especially around issues that may be polarizing and inflammatory. For example, they are the ones who constantly want to go at it around politics, religion, or current controversial news issues of any kind. And it's interesting because they will often vacillate back and forth. At times, they will be very self-righteous in their debates. You know, they'll say, "You know, you're an awful person. I can't believe you'd say such mean things. How can you be such a hater?" But then they are not at all able to see the irony at when they start escalating and becoming more and more unkind in their argument with you and hit you with contempt and verbal abuse and even insults. They don't see that.
But as a rule, covert narcissists are very judgmental. And that judgmental quality often arises from the place of their own entitlement and their chronic feeling that they never got a fair shake from life, and that they are owed more from the world. That sort of fuels this toxic energy in them about with judgment about issues in other people's lives, all kinds of issues. And these can include anything you could imagine, including, once again, their politics, other people's opinions, lifestyle factors, or their diet, their exercise, their weight, their appearance, the products they purchase, the things they wear, the jobs they hold, what other people's children do. Honestly, absolutely nothing is off limits with their judgment.
Their judgmental nature is actually what often fuels their argumentativeness. And all of this is a manifestation of their sullen arrogance, their insecurity, their chronic dissatisfaction, their entitlement, and their quiet rage that just floats under the surface.
These relationships are particularly abusive because they can become quite isolating and isolated. Now, covert narcissists, as a rule, are not particularly warm and gregarious and welcoming and outgoing. They are not naturally extroverted. They are not naturally drawn to groups of people. And they will not be on board with your desire to spend time with groups, with friends, with family, to go to parties, or to attend social gatherings. And what they do, though, is they will often speak really contemptuously of these social experiences you may want. And even use your interest in those activities or those get-togethers as a way as a manipulation to attempt to attempt to induce guilt from you and also to insult you.
So they might say things like, "Um, why do you always want to spend time with other people? Aren't you interested? Aren't you sorry? Aren't you interested in our relationship? Why don't you just want to spend time with me? Oh, I get it. I guess you need lots of attention. You get off on the attention from other people. I guess you just need that to feel better about yourself." That kind of conversation, that kind of interchange with someone leaves you feeling uncomfortable, devalued, and even just having any experience in your life, the experience of going to a party or a gathering or an event, it gets diminished before you even get out the door.
And God forbid you actually get them to agree to go to a social event with you. You can plan on them sitting solid in the corner, making insulting and contemptuous comments about the people that are at the gathering, or the things that they are enjoying, or the things they're talking about. And they will spend their evening just like a little poison creature in the corner, tossing passive-aggressive barbs out about what is happening and looking so uncomfortable that you succumb to leaving the event early, just to get them out of there because it's making you even more miserable looking at their misery.
This process can happen slowly and quietly without you realizing it. And then one day, you lift your head and realize you no longer really have a social world you participate in, just a small and angry world that you occupy with the covert narcissist.
So, that really begs the question: why would anyone be drawn to them? Let's face it, these are not the shiny narcissists who draw in with their charm and charisma and confidence and all the rest of it. In fact, here, you may be drawn in just because you kind of feel sorry for them. You feel bad for them. They may talk about themselves and portray themselves as a person for whom life never quite worked out the way they wanted, or they may present themselves as being very sad or anxious.
People are often drawn to covert narcissists because they may want to rescue them. You may, for example, tell them that, "Oh God, no, you shouldn't feel that way. I see all this potential in you, and it's such a shame that the other people in your life don't see it." Like you really might say those things to them because you kind of feel bad for them. You may even put yourself in a precarious position lending them money because they portray themselves as a victim that nobody ever gave a break to. And so you can feel like you can sweep in there and be that rescuer for them. It's a very big part of the manipulation of the covert narcissistic pattern, how they sort of evoke that. And it can also feel very empowering for you to think that you can rescue them. And for a moment, while they may drink up your validation, and you might say, "Oh, look, I rescued them. It's Pygmalion. Look at me." Soon enough, they will find examples, once again, of how the world let them down and once again return to their victim identity.
Covert narcissists are very contemptuous of close relationships and of the idea that they would ever need anyone. So, you will often sort of feel this sense of dismissiveness from them. And when you don't do enough for them, they once again retreat to the role of being a victim. And then, once again, you become one more person on a long list of people who has let them down.
And complicating all of this is that most people who are in a relationship with somebody who's a covert or vulnerable narcissist often at will not initially view them, or even for a long time, view them through the lens of narcissism. Instead, they're more likely to focus on the negative mood symptoms. You know, they'll assume like, "Ah, no, no, it's not narcissism. They're just depressed, and they show their depression by being irritable." "No, no, they just have really low self-esteem." Empaths in particular can be quite vulnerable to covert narcissists because it plays into the idea of rescuing someone who seems as though they have been let down by life. And the empath, who often has a very kind unwillingness to walk away from someone who seems sad, will often stick around and just start throwing bad money after good while they keep trying to rescue a covert narcissist.
Covert narcissists may also share tales of sadness, neglect, and even trauma that go back to childhood. They may have families of origin characterized by psychological abuse, unfeeling parents, experiences with significant abandonment and trauma. They, interestingly, may share this information very early, very early in the relationship. And that can result for anyone in this kind of relationship with them in a sense of cognitive dissonance between feeling a real empathy for their history and for their pain, and then over time, a real sense of exhaustion from having to manage their ongoing sullen anger, and a real sense of pain that you're enduring from their ongoing verbal and psychological abuse.
Ultimately, you may find yourself making justifications and rationalizations for their bad behavior so that you don't have to deal with the guilt of letting them go. So slowly, you convince yourself that it's the right thing to do to stay, or maybe it's not that bad, or at least he's not cheating on me. If you've been in a relationship with a covert narcissist, you already know the drill.
So, gang, this is just part one of this series, and I hope it's setting the tone for what the covert narcissist is about. It's really almost manipulation through victimhood. And many of you watching this are already probably saying, "Aha! I know those patterns." And some of you, I hope this has been a wake-up to, "I had no idea. Is that what this is?"
Now, obviously, this can happen in a variety of settings. But in a family relationship, having a covert narcissistic parent or other family member, sibling, uncle, grandparent, anything, can be very challenging. And as a child, this can be experienced as having a parent who is never happy and is always angry and is always complaining about how life is not fair. It is exhausting and it is demoralizing to grow up that way. And as you transition into adulthood, their ongoing tirades about forever being a victim can actually build up inside you and sort of result in chronic feelings of guilt that will color this relationship with that family member or parent. Any covert narcissist in any family system is simply exhausting. The relationship is a constant back and forth between guilt, exhaustion, and fear of their anger, as well as helplessness that you can't fix everything.
Another key hallmark of the covert narcissistic parent is that they will compete with you in a cruel and passive-aggressive manner. So, instead of being proud of you, which is never going to happen with a covert narcissistic parent, or even the way a grandiose narcissist will, they'll view you as sort of an extension of themselves and view you as a source of supply, the way a grandiose narcissist will, because you make them look good if you do something and you do something well. That's not how it is with the covert narcissistic parent. The covert narcissistic parent most likely will become somewhat jealous. They may actually undercut and undermine your accomplishments. And they might even say things like, "Oh, well, if I had been supported like you, not only would I have won that award, my goodness, I would have excelled at everything." Or, "Of course you're doing well in school. It's because you aren't growing up in the absolutely awful way I had to grow up. I would have gone on to do great things if it hadn't been for how awful my childhood was." And in that way, anything that you achieved as a child gets invalidated and besmirched because they turn it into one more polemic about their victimhood and their suffering.
They may also become really sullen and really petty and resentful when you get recognized or complimented by other people. It could be as simple as a passing compliment by a teacher or a friend or a family member, or it could be at a much larger level, maybe a big award you got at a big ceremony. You may even be the honoree for something. And then after the lights go off and the ceremony is done, then you have to endure your parent berating you the entire car ride home. Or they will project their pathology onto you. "Oh, you really do need a lot of attention, don't you? I guess you think that now you're all that now that you won that prize. Well, I can still see that you're still you. You better not get too uppity. You better remember you're still a part of this family. You better not think you get away with doing less around here. Just know I see you and like, I get the award, but whatever, you're still you."
And it's horrifying. It's horrifying because this is a child, or this is a teenager, and all that child wants is their parents' pride. I have known people who have excelled in all sorts of pursuits and over time, they even dreaded winning or excelling because they knew they would have to endure the wrath of their envious, small-minded, covert narcissistic parent. And over time, these gifted children and adolescents may even sabotage themselves or downplay an accomplishment instead of listening to their parents' victimized rant.
But what makes it even more difficult is that a child, and even an adolescent, they don't understand covert narcissism. And it is so confusing and honestly scary to succeed and have it trigger this big, competitive, resentful reaction. This confusion can dog you into adulthood and leave you feeling almost, I don't know, ambivalent about your accomplishments and sharing, and even feeling ambivalent about sharing them for much of your life. And it may even sap your desire for wanting to reach for bigger things because that constant voice of your covert narcissistic parent will echo for you and undermine what you think you can or even should reach for. It is a horribly painful and limiting legacy.
In the workplace, they're not as likely to become the leaders because of their lack of political savvy and all the charisma and charm stuff means that they often do not escalate to leadership positions. But they are very likely to be your sullen, resentful, brooding, and bitter co-worker. They are also often the sort of know-it-all co-worker who has all the answers, who criticizes other people's work and contributions, but who doesn't always do a very good job themselves. They are definitely not good team players and will often be quite dismissive of any form of team building or cohesion. You may even sort of try to win them over, but by and large, that often only results in them becoming a bit sort of prickly. They may often complain about getting the same amount of work as everyone else, and they sort of bring this general kind of dark cloud into the workplace.
But because of their victimized, sort of, sullen, petty underbelly, they often do, and often will, threaten to and actually file grievances and lawsuits when they perceive even an imperceptible hint of inequity. And many times, they will file these complaints even when they are working less than everybody else. It's not unusual for them to try and work all the angles and figure out how to cast themselves as a victim and file the lawsuit and get the payout so they simply don't have to work. And at some level, they feel that they're sort of entitled to this kind of payout. In this way, this type of personality pattern can be very expensive for workplaces. Their conduct can poison an entire workplace team and dismantle morale for many, many people in a workplace. You know, it's when I'm maybe you've said this, I know I have, is that when you say, "You know, I really do love working with most people here and have just that person, and that person wasn't here." Usually covert narcissists, this would work so well.
Their resentment and hostility often gum up the work of workplaces, and they gum up teams, and they gum up staff morale. They always feel that people are against them in the workplace, and they're frequently paranoid that people are actively undermining in the workplace. And believe you me, most people aren't taking notice of them. If anything, they're just wishing they would call in sick.
The origins of covert narcissism, while similar to that observed in other forms of narcissism, so, for example, the usual stuff, the attachment issues we see in narcissism, the potential early traumatic experiences, the inconsistency in their early environment, or even the chaos. In covert narcissism, there is often this quest to be noticed by their parents or other significant adults, and then the parents never actually noticed them. These are the parents who are deeply distracted, completely uninterested, maybe even detached. And they may also just be parents who are deeply unkind, who will tend to do things like shame and insult their own child.
This can also set up covert narcissistic patterns in adulthood. When a person experiences this in childhood, the covert narcissists have a much worse self-concept than we observe in the other narcissistic types. And they will often experience other psychological issues in their life, such as depression and anxiety. They, they often did have very difficult, negating, and invalidating early lives. And that fact, frankly, can really pull from for real empathy from other people, and rightfully so. But their unwillingness, the covert narcissist's unwillingness to push beyond their history, get therapy, and then add that to the mix that they keep treating other people badly, it's a very, very complicated mix.
As therapists, we often see that when covert narcissistic individuals come into therapy, their presenting issues often reflect patterns such as depression, anxiety, a general sense of dissatisfaction with life, relationship problems, and challenges in the workplace. Now, their negative moods often lead us to believe that they are experiencing a mood disorder or an anxiety disorder. And so, as a result, in good faith, we'll often approach them with tried and true treatments for depression and anxiety, such as cognitive behavioral therapy, and perhaps even a referral for medication.
Now, what we find is that indeed, many vulnerable or covert narcissists are experiencing significant negative mood states. And the negative moods like depression and anxiety are amenable to treatment. And you might see a lift and an adjustment in the anxiety of the depression. And then, unfortunately, the other stuff: the chronic disillusionment with life, their chronic sense of victimization, the belief that they are not getting the recognition that they deserve, their ongoing irritability, their general contempt, their almost sort of low-grade paranoia that doesn't go away. And as a result, it can sometimes take those of us who work in the mental health world even a few months to determine that this is in fact more of a covert narcissistic pattern and not just depression or anxiety.
But if this person, covert narcissistic person, is in your life, you also may not get it for a very long while. Keep doubting yourself, gaslight yourself, and believe perhaps that you're not being supportive enough, maybe you're not a good enough cheerleader, because no matter how much praise, no matter how much encouragement, or how much money, or how much opportunity you give them, their anger and their bitterness do not dissipate. And before long, you find that you are throwing mad money after good.
So, I hope as we keep going through this series on covert narcissism, it's giving you a fuller picture, especially in different settings like parents, partners, and workplaces. Stay tuned. We're coming to the covert narcissistic part three punchline, where I'm hoping you'll learn some skills and techniques to manage these personalities if they're in your life.
Now, clearly, covert narcissism has a very different feel than the other forms of narcissism. You're not going to see, like I said before, that usual charm, charisma, confidence trifecta. Their manipulation, while it's very much present, is not as direct as we see in grandiose and in malignant narcissism. They tend to manipulate through their victimhood, their passive-aggressive words, barbs, and actions, and by pulling on your sense of guilt. Yes, they're definitely going to gaslight, and yes, there's definitely going to be narcissistic rage. Their narcissistic rage is most often in response to a criticism or someone giving them feedback about how to actually do something rather than to complain about it. So say, "Listen, instead of complaining about that, why don't you do it?" Then they are going to get very, very rageful.
They also do not present as social do-gooders in the way you will see in communal narcissism, the people who say, "Look at all the good deeds I do. Now give me validation." That's not their groove.
Now, their negative moods also differentiate them from the other forms of narcissism. Their vulnerability may confuse you, as you may view their vulnerability as a space where you might be able to connect with them. Now, unlike the other forms of narcissism, in which their vulnerability isn't nearly as obvious, you can see it a bit more clearly here. But just when you go in there and you try to connect with them on the basis of that vulnerability, the covert narcissists will bite back, and they'll get really angry and contemptuous about the fact that you're sharing your vulnerabilities or even commenting on theirs.
Now, love bombing with the covert narcissist may not be as explosive as it is with the other, you know, forms of narcissism, but it's definitely not that big blow-up, big, big love bombing. It tends to be quieter. You see fewer grand gestures. But in that quietness, they may actually end up becoming very attuned to you in the beginning of the relationship. And a lot of people mistake that in attunement as intense empathy and connection. They sort of really drill into you, and it seems as though they're really seeing you. It's like they're really in your face. And interestingly, many people have said they say yes to the first date because they kind of feel sorry for the covert narcissist because, again, they're not particularly socially skilled or have have that sort of glibness and charisma and all of that. So they say yes because it's nice to do that. Is how so socially awkward the covert narcissist can be in the early parts of the courtship process. This is very different than that sort of swagger you see of the grandiose narcissist.
The courtship phase itself will look different. Again, that sort of, "Tell me everything about yourself" kind of thing. You might find yourself, though, also tending to be a little bit rescuey. It's not so much about the big nights out. You'll be like, "Wow, this is so cool. It's also nice and simple, but we listen to each other all the time." You also may not feel the same sense of menace that you would feel with a malignant narcissist. But the rage for a covert narcissist is just under the surface. And they will, interestingly, quite often appear to harbor a lot of anger at other groups. And you'll see, it's not unusual in covert narcissism to see that they may hold inflammatory opinions on the basis of race, gender, religion, sexual orientation, nationality, but mostly from a victimized standpoint.
So, for example, they may express lots of anger about immigration, affirmative action, about people of color, and feeling that these groups have stolen their opportunities. Again, they feel like victims. Or they'll be angry about women who they feel aren't obedient and not taking traditional roles. And it's not unusual for covert narcissists to really sort of take these really antiquated, archaic roles about what gender roles should look like. You're like, "Wow, I mean, it's sort of like holy, holy, like 1932." But yeah, that's kind of where they are.
A key difference between covert narcissism and the other forms of narcissism comes down, interestingly, I believe, to extroversion. Delroy Paulus is, I believe, at the University of British Columbia, he put it best when he called the malignant narcissist the disagreeable extrovert. And I think the same kind of thinking could be applied to the grandiose narcissist. I suppose we could kind of call them the charming, disagreeable extrovert. But when we think about the covert narcissists, they are definitely not extroverts. They actually tend to conform to more of an introverted style. They are often put off or even anxious when they're in groups, and they derive more comfort from solitude or smaller groups.
And it's interesting because this can be very isolating in any kind of a relationship with them. And it's for this reason that people who are in relationships with covert narcissists will definitely feel that sort of damaging impact of isolation, of not connecting with other people, and honestly, not having witnesses to how toxic your relationship is, as well as the lack of support you might have. And you might feel this in a covert narcissistic relationship more than people might in other kinds of narcissistic relationships. And when a covert narcissist is very controlling, this can be very, very isolating because they may be monitoring your comings and your goings and questioning all aspects of your life, while also not having any world outside of the relationship. So it's suffocating. And it's actually isolating to the point of being dangerous.
In families that are run by a covert narcissist, a mother or father, it's not unusual for the family system to get very isolated. This can actually be very problematic because it means that there are fewer witnesses to the covert narcissistic parent or person in the family's rage, to their hypersensitivity, and their irritability. And the risk here is that it can really leave the family members feeling isolated, confused, helpless, and definitely unseen.
Social anxiety is also a major part of covert narcissism. And this is a reason that it almost can trick people initially because it doesn't have the extroverted, charismatic top notes that we observe and traditionally grandiose patterns. The insecurity we see in a covert narcissistic person is often about sort of social issues and social matters and how they're viewed by other people. So they can be very socially clumsy. And as a result, obviously, because they're so uncomfortable, they may avoid social settings or just be more reticent or shy or avoidant or just hold back in those kinds of settings. And that can definitely throw you off the trail initially in these relationships because this is not the person who's sort of holding court as the raconteur in the middle of the party, that's charming everyone, telling stories, and everybody's paying attention to them. They are the ones who look a little bit angry and brooding in the corner of the party.
And the social anxiety is a chronic fixture. But it's manifested in any kind of relationship with a covert narcissist as a contemptuous disregard for other people. So they'll write off social gatherings and parties and events as just being a stupid waste of time, full of stupid people. So they're sort of having this defensive, reaction formation, like, "Who wants to be at that stupid party?" It is defensive because they're just not comfortable with them. So it's just easier to criticize these parties.
Now, this is different than traditional social anxiety in people who are socially anxious but who are not covert narcissists. What we see is that socially anxious people tend to avoid social situations or they endure social situations with tremendous discomfort. But a person who is socially anxious will not dismiss those social situations contemptuously. They may do their best to hide their discomfort, and you might even look at them and see that they are nervous, but they don't behave in a way that we would consider mean. That's different than the covert narcissist who will be spouting all kinds of judgmental and mean-spirited comments about a situation. A socially anxious person may at times feel very awkward and may catch their words or say very self-disparaging things. Like a socially anxious person will say, "Oh my God, that was such a dumb thing to say. I'm so sorry." And you, you hurt for them because they feel feel so uncomfortable. Covert narcissists will not tend to do that. Instead, they will disparage other people. "Oh my God, can you listen to this guy just yammering on? He thinks he knows something." And they're definitely not likely to apologize for any of their social transgressions.
The covert narcissistic pattern can have a very toxic impact on you, even from the beginning of the relationship. It is not uplifting to be with a covert narcissist because their negative mood states are so prominent. But over time, the chronic victimhood and the exhaustion of listening to their resentment and frustration and anger all of the time can leave you feeling very depleted. If you do keep falling for their tales of woe and their stance as a victim, you can wear yourself out. And you can wear yourself out because you're constantly trying to reassure them and rescue them and tell them it's all going to be okay. And this will end up wasting for you a lot of time, a lot of money, and a lot of emotional energy. And you will have nothing to show for it because they're not going to change.
So, just and despite how toxic this pattern is, the relationship with the covert narcissist, interestingly, can be very difficult to step away from. And the primary reason for that is often both pity and guilt. For many of you, you got into this relationship or you stay in this relationship because you felt bad for them. You see their sadness or their anxiety, and the fact that life, according to them, didn't go the way they wanted. So you may even feel guilty. You want and wanted to fix it for them. And you may even see some of your hurts, heartbreaks, and disappointments in them. You might think, "Gosh, you know, if someone had just been nice to me, it might have turned around for me too." Well, maybe that was the case for you. I could promise you, no matter how many people are nice to them, it's not going to turn around for them because they're so invested in their victim anger entitlement stance.
And as always, the almighty threesome of hope, guilt, and fear are at play here. The hope this relationship will get better, guilt for walking away from someone who is down, and fear that you will end up alone if you walk away from this. And at least, well, gosh, this person really needs me to sort of prop them up, so that might help you, and you might feel useful here. But the guilt gets very sticky.
The covert narcissist, should you decide to try to leave them, they may actually really cry when you decide to leave. Not the crocodile tears of the grandiose narcissists, like really cry. And they'll say quite sadly that they don't think that they will be able to find someone else. The guilt then pulls you in. The malignant and grandiose narcissists may really manipulate and be quite cruel at the breakup stage, but the covert narcissist may not be able to manage the negative moods around this. And the tears and their very clear incapacity to cope may make it really difficult for you to sort of steel up and leave the relationship, no matter how unkind they have been to you in the past. And trust me on this, despite those tears, they are definitely going to throw more than a few passive-aggressive barbs your way. And that may also reel you back into the relationship. The same way they played upon your guilt during the relationship, these manipulations really work with guilt.
Even their compliments can be twisted and passive-aggressive. They might say something twisted like, "Hey, even though your parents thought you were dumb, I actually think you're smart." Or say something like, "Yeah, other people may not think you're nice, but I do." And you're like, "Huh? Like in that way?" They almost mirror their affinity for victimhood to give you victimized compliments. "Hey, no one else like you, but I do. You're a victim, but I'm still good with you." That might say things like, "Everyone else is against you, but I'm not."
And it can set up this strange sort of traumatic bond because you think they may be the only person who cares about you. And that gets you, and that can also further isolate you. So it's like this twist of insult plus compliment. And then these other ways that they're saying that no one else gets you, but I do. It is their victimhood pushing up against your desire to be kind, to do the right thing, or even a less than healthy drive that you may have to rescue other people. That may keep you in these relationships and keep engaging and explaining long past it ever being healthy.
Now, when we look at covert narcissism in a family setting, you may be so accustomed in your family to trying to fix things, and everyone in that family has always been so accustomed to enabling the covert narcissist, that it can be very difficult to shift this pattern in any meaningful way. What's interesting is if you do stop engaging and stop trying to fix them, they will actually become more sullen and victimized, as though you've given up on them. And it can be an almighty struggle to not give in and fall into your old patterns.
So, given how difficult and toxic this is, how the heck are you supposed to manage the covert narcissist without getting lost in a vortex of guilt? Frankly, the same way you manage all narcissists: radical acceptance, realistic expectations, gray rock, not engaging, not explaining, and not personalizing. It is also important that you do not get pulled into the, I, I think personally, rather dangerous space of letting their, I mean, psychologically dangerous space of letting their past difficult history, their childhood history, their family history be an excuse for their wretched current behavior. The covert narcissist will initially pull out a heavier victim card if you start pulling away. And in fact, covert narcissists often really struggle with abandonment and will often become even more resentful if they sense that you're discarding them. Maintaining good, solid boundaries and not personalizing their negativity is also an important survival strategy in these relationships.
As always, being in therapy with a therapist who actually understands covert narcissism is absolutely essential because it will allow you to do the deeper dive on your own issues with guilt and with being a fixer that keeps you in this relationship and runs the risk of allowing this dynamic to devolve, honestly, into a rather codependent dynamic. Relationships with covert narcissists can often have a rather codependent feel.
Now, sadly, just as with all narcissistic patterns, this pattern of covert narcissism does not tend to improve significantly in therapy. And it is a pattern, though, that significantly worsens under conditions of stress and disappointment. So when you have a covert narcissistic individual and they're experiencing considerable stress or a major disappointment, under those conditions, the covert narcissist actually has their victimhood confirmed, and that enrages them even further.
Now, obviously, whether or not you can distance yourself from this relationship is a very individual process. But either path, leaving or staying, I can promise you, this is going to bring significant challenges.
The pattern of covert narcissism can actually, remember, can actually resemble many other mental health issues, including social anxiety, depression, post-traumatic stress. And as a result, it can be rather difficult to discern, "What am I dealing with here?" And it's going to take time to figure out. It takes time for me as a therapist to figure out. I've worked with many covert narcissistic clients over the years, and it taken, it's taken me months. And by then, though, if it's a relationship, a human relationship, by the time you've figured out what it is, the guilt can make it really difficult to distance yourself. As a result, therapy, education, and support become critical tools for helping you make decisions if you find yourself in a relationship with a covert narcissist.
Let's just bring it down to brass tacks. As I was talking about before, that introversion-extroversion distinction. The covert narcissist, if, let's put it this way, if the malignant narcissist is the disagreeable extrovert, I think we can say pretty confidently, the covert narcissist is the disagreeable introvert.
This pattern of covert narcissism is one that has actually raised so many questions on my YouTube channel and social media. And so I do hope that this three-part episode on covert narcissism has really, really clarified what this is, how it affects you, why we get confused about it, the manipulative power of guilt in these relationships. It's a sticky one. And it is especially if this is your parent, this is something that has can probably be one of the main explanations for why guilt is such a powerful motivator for you. You can understand now, a person can go from having a covert narcissistic, guilt-inducing parent right into a covert narcissistic adult relationship.
Thanks again for tuning in. I hope you're enjoying this content, and I sure hope that this video on covert narcissism clarified this rather complex topic. So please, as always, subscribe to this channel. It gives me the opportunity to see that there's a community actually interested in this. Drop your suggestions down for other things you want to know about covert narcissism right here in the comment section. We take these seriously. These videos come from your contributions and your ideas as well. And as always, hit that bell, and you'll get those daily notifications every time we post a video. Bye-bye.