Transcription
Hi everyone, it's Dr. Romani, and welcome back to this series on the types of narcissists. This series really is in response to the many people who wanted a deeper dive on different sorts of narcissistic types. And my goal here is not only to talk about it, but what it looks like in your close relationships, your family relationships, your professional relationships, where these come from, how do we get drawn in, and ultimately, how to manage it.
Today, we're gonna be taking on the topic of covert narcissism. But before we get there, I ask you always, please hit that subscribe button and join this wonderful community learning about narcissism. And also, hit that bell, and you'll get notifications each time we put out new content.
So, let's talk about what everybody wants to know more about: covert narcissism. The concept of covert narcissism, and it's also been termed vulnerable narcissism, is a more recent evolution in our understanding of the topic of narcissism and narcissistic personality in general. Now, in a word, if we're gonna break it down, because that word "covert" is tricky, 'cause it we often think it means hidden. These are the victimized, vulnerable, anxious, socially less skilled, sullen, and resentful narcissists.
The concept of vulnerable or covert narcissism has arisen in about the last 20 to 25 years, as researchers pointed out that our traditional sort of DSM-5 conception of narcissism is focused solely on their traditional grandiose narcissist, which we've already talked about, that sort of shiny, charismatic, confident, charming, witty, attractive, textbook narcissist. But what these researchers did a beautiful job of pointing out, in these, and really heavy hitters in the field, Ronix, Dam, and Campbell, Miller, Pincus, they all noted that this misses the boat on a big part of the clinical picture of the narcissist. It misses the group of narcissists that lack that same level of social skill and finesse, who lack the charisma, who lack the charm. And in fact, they often present as somewhat depressed, victimized, or even needy. They also deploy, they also display other negative mood states such as irritability, hostility, anxiety, and even sadness.
However, they are narcissistic. So, they have the same themes as their classical and grandiose buddies. They are still grandiose, they are still arrogant, and entitled, validation-seeking. But it looks and it feels different when you're in their presence. For example, the grandiosity comes out in a more backdoor manner. They'd say something like, "You know what? I would have been the best in the business if I had just had a trust fund like him," or "I just had someone giving me money for my business." Or they say things like, "I'm so smart that it's a total waste of my effort to even show up at an hourly job. It's beneath me. I'm too good for that kind of simpleton work."
Their entitlement also has a very victimized feel. So, they may say things like, "Ah, I shouldn't have to take the time to take this ridiculous programming class, given that the professor doesn't know what he's talking about and I can program circles around him. Honestly, I should really just get credit for the class because I'm a top-flight programmer." Okay, they say that.
Now, their arrogance comes out as an antagonistic listing of all of the gifts they have that they believed were never recognized. And they will often, in a very contemptuous manner, dismiss the opinions and the knowledge of other people. Their validation seeking consists of a lot of sort of gloomily sharing what they believe their unseen gifts and skills and contributions are. And in fact, they are often the toxic person who sits around and says that they know better than any of the experts on any number of issues, or will constantly criticize people who attempt something, and try something, take a chance, or who are aspiring to do something with their lives. It's interesting because the covert narcissists themselves will never take those risks, but they will mock people who do.
Now, apparently, covert narcissists never got the memo that opportunity comes to those who seek it. And rather than just sort of grumpily sit at home wondering why their ship never came in, these are the folks who sit at home and wait for opportunity to magically show up at their door and knock, knock, knock. And in that way, they can feel quite angry, resentful, and sullen when they watch other people succeed in a way that they aren't succeeding. And they will often dismiss the hard work and the efforts of other people who have really put in the time, the effort, and the energy. In fact, they will often attribute other people's success to that other person's just good luck, not their ability. And they will attribute their own lack of success to bad luck and the fact that the world is out to get them.
Now, they are not ever going to be able to notice, though, that other people are putting effort into something. They don't even entertain hypotheses. Now, simply put, covert narcissists are chronic malcontents. They are never satisfied or content with anything. And that dissatisfaction comes out as criticism, complaining, contempt, anger, dismissiveness, frustration, all kinds of negative kinds of mood states and displays. They will complain about everything, and that makes life a miserable experience for anyone who has to spend time with them. And then, when you throw on top of that, their tendency to chronically view themselves as victims, it is feels darker and heavier and more morose than many of the other forms of narcissism.
Now, another pattern that is commonly observed in covert narcissists is their passive aggressiveness. Now, while their grandiose and malignant narcissistic buddies are more likely to kind of just tell you off to your face, to tell you you're stupid to your face, or tell you that they, that you don't know anything, the covert narcissists are more likely to do this in a sullen, backdoor way. They'll say things like, "Must be nice to have a family that just always bails you out. Must be nice to get overpaid for your job. Must be nice that you have such a big house." You get the idea, and on and on and on. And it's also quite manipulative.
There is a tremendous hypersensitivity observed in covert narcissism. In fact, this hypersensitivity to any kind of feedback, this is one of the patterns that will emerge in a relationship of the covert narcissist early on. They will often be lashing out at the world and always saying how unfair the world is. But one fine day, when you decide that you are done with watching them sitting there acting like a victim all the time, and you just say, "You know what? Just do something instead of complaining. Just do something." They will typically react with absolute rage. They are very vulnerable in the face of any kind of feedback, constructive criticism, anything like that. And their hypersensitivity in the face of that can look almost like paranoia. They truly believe that everyone is out to get them, and they live their lives in line with that assumption. They really walk around saying, "The world is against me."
Covert narcissists are prone to chronic argumentativeness, especially around issues that may be polarizing and inflammatory. For example, they are the ones who constantly want to go at it around politics, religion, or current controversial news issues of any kind. And it's interesting because they will often vacillate back and forth. At times, they will be very self-righteous in their debates. You know, they'll say, "You know, you're an awful person. I can't believe you'd say such mean things. How can you be such a hater?" But then they are not at all able to see the irony at when they start escalating and becoming more and more unkind in their argument with you, and hit you with contempt and verbal abuse and even insults. They don't see that.
But as a rule, covert narcissists are very judgmental. And that judgmental quality often arises from the place of their own entitlement and their chronic feeling that they never got a fair shake from life, and that they are owed more from the world. That sort of fuels this toxic energy in them about with judgment about issues in other people's lives, all kinds of issues. And these can include anything you could imagine, including, once again, their politics, other people's opinions, lifestyle factors, or their diet, their exercise, their weight, their appearance, the products they purchased, the things they wear, the jobs they hold, what other people's children do. Honestly, absolutely nothing is off limits with their judgment. Their judgmental nature is actually what often fuels their argumentativeness. And all of this is a manifestation of their sullen arrogance, their insecurity, their chronic dissatisfaction, their entitlement, and they're quiet rage that just floats under the surface.
These relationships are particularly abusive because they can become quite isolating and isolated. Now, covert narcissists, as a rule, are not particularly warm and gregarious and welcoming and outgoing. They are not naturally extroverted. They are not naturally drawn to groups of people. And they will not be on board with your desire to spend time with groups, with friends, with family, to go to parties, or to attend social gatherings. And what they do, though, is they will often speak really contemptuously of these social experiences you may want. And even use your interest in those activities or those get-togethers as a way, as a manipulation, to attempt to induce guilt from you, and also to insult you.
So, they might say things like, "Why do you always want to spend time with other people? Aren't you interested? Aren't you sorry? Aren't you interested in our relationship? Why don't you just want to spend time with me? Oh, I get it. I guess you need lots of attention. You get off on the attention from other people. I guess you just need that to feel better about yourself." That kind of conversation, that kind of interchange with someone leaves you feeling uncomfortable, devalued, and even just having any experience in your life, the experience of going to a party or a gathering or an event, it gets diminished before you even get out the door.
And God forbid you actually get them to agree to go to a social event with you. You can plan on them sitting sullen in the corner, making insulting and contemptuous comments about the people that are at the gathering, or the things that they are enjoying, the things they're talking about. And they will spend their evening just like a little poison creature in the corner, tossing passive-aggressive barbs out about what is happening, and looking so uncomfortable that you succumb to leaving the event early, just to get them out of there because it's making you even more miserable looking at their misery.
This process can happen slowly and quietly without you realizing it. And then one day, you'll lift your head and realize you no longer really have a social world you participate in, just a small and angry world that you occupy with the covert narcissist. So, that really begs the question: why would anyone be drawn to them? Let's face it, these are not the shiny narcissist who draws in with their charm and charisma and confidence and all the rest of it. In fact, here, you may be drawn in just because you kind of feel sorry for them. You feel bad for them. They may talk about themselves and portray themselves as a person for whom life never quite worked out the way they wanted, or they may present themselves as being very sad or anxious.
People are often drawn to covert narcissists because they may want to rescue them. You may, for example, tell them that, "Oh God, no, you shouldn't feel that way. I see all this potential in you, and it's such a shame that the other people in your life don't see it like you." You really might say those things to them because you kind of feel bad for them. You may even put yourself in a precarious position lending them money because they portray themselves as a victim that nobody ever gave a break to. And so, you can feel like you can sweep in there and be that rescuer for them. It's a very big part of the manipulation of the covert narcissistic pattern, how they sort of evoke that. And it can also feel very empowering for you to think that you can rescue them. And for a moment, while they may drink up your validation, and you might say, "Oh, look, I rescued them. It's Pygmalion. Look at me." Soon enough, they will find examples, once again, of how the world let them down and once again return to their victim identity.
Covert narcissists are very contemptuous of close relationships and of the idea that they would ever need anyone. So, you will often sort of feel the sense of dismissiveness from them. And when you don't do enough for them, they once again retreat to the role of being a victim. And then, once again, you become one more person on a long list of people who has let them down.
And complicating all of this is that most people who are in a relationship with somebody who is a covert or vulnerable narcissist often will not initially view them, or even for a long time, view them through the lens of narcissism. Instead, they're more likely to focus on the negative mood symptoms. You know, they'll assume like, "Oh, no, no, no. It's not narcissism. They're just depressed, and they show their depression by being irritable." And, "I know they just have really low self-esteem." Empaths, in particular, can be quite vulnerable to covert narcissists because it plays into the idea of rescuing someone who seems though they have been let down by life. And the empath, who often has a very kind unwillingness to walk away from someone who seems sad, will often stick around and just start throwing bad money after good while they keep trying to rescue a covert narcissist.
Covert narcissists may also share tales of sadness, neglect, and even trauma that go back to childhood. They may have families of origin characterized by psychological abuse, unfeeling parents, experiences with significant abandonment and trauma. They, interestingly, may share this information very early, very early in the relationship. And that can result for anyone in this kind of relationship with them in a sense of cognitive dissonance between feeling real empathy for their history and for their pain, and then over time, a real sense of exhaustion from having to manage their ongoing sullen anger, and a real sense of pain that you're enduring from their ongoing verbal and psychological abuse. Ultimately, you may find yourself making justifications and rationalizations for their bad behavior so that you don't have to deal with the guilt of letting them go. So, slowly, you convince yourself that it's the right thing to do to stay, or maybe it's not that bad, or at least he's not cheating on me.
If you've been in a relationship with a covert narcissist, you already know the drill. So, gang, this is just part one of this series, and I hope it's setting the tone for what the covert narcissist is about. It's really almost manipulation through victimhood. And many of you watching this are already probably saying, "Uh-huh, I know those patterns." And some of you, I hope this has been a wake-up call. "I had no idea. Is that what this is?" So, stay tuned. Part two is coming out tomorrow, and we'll give you even more information about covert narcissism. Come on over, subscribe to this channel. Hit that subscribe button. Hit that bell. Get those notifications, and you'll get an update every day as we've put out new episodes in this series, as well as all of our other content. Bye.