Transcription
Imagine you're at a party. Not the craziest party of your life, but a pleasant enough affair. Decent music, euphoric lighting, plenty of people getting socially lubricated with tasty drinkies and tasty eaties, if you catch my drift.
Anyway, this party is going great, but for some reason, the smoking area is rife with religious debates. Christians are arguing with the atheists. Jews are arguing with the Muslims. Come on, guys, give it a rest. The Buddhists stayed at home because they're all so bloody enlightened and contented that they have absolutely no need for socializing. And where are the Hindus? Ah, well, they're all over there, lighting up the dance floor.
What? Why do they get to dance while we all bicker? Well, that's just the way they are. It's the groovy religion. Have they all got their figured out or something? No, man. This is probably the most divided religion on the planet. Really? Then what gives? Ah, man, I can't be bothered to explain it. It's long, complicated, and trippy as hell. We'll probably make a great YouTube video though. Let's get down to Hindu town, or Hu town.
See, "Cindu" is the Sanskrit name for the Indus River. Cindus, to the Persians, were those that lived in the land beyond the river. But at a certain point, somewhere betwixt 800 and 600 BCE, the Persians changed the way their mouths made noises from S's to H. So, Hindu is actually an exonym. And what is an exonym? It's basically a name that did not natively originate. Kind of like how the Dutch like to be called Netherlanders, who we English just tend to call them. So, the origin of the word Hindu has little to do with religious identity. It just meant river people.
So, what do Hindus believe? Ah, yeah. See, that's a bit of a messy question. Really depends who you ask. You see, Hinduism can be simply referred to as a polytheistic, pantheistic, panentheistic, pandis-theistic, henotheistic, monotheistic, monistic, agnostic, atheistic, or humanist religion. It's a hard thing to pin down on paper. Technically, to be a Hindu, you don't even need to believe in God. Insert quote from Gandhi. The rules are about as loose as they come. And the reason for this is simple: Hinduism is groovy madness. Seriously though, find me a Hindu, any Hindu, and I promise you, I can find one that is a completely different language, moral outlook, and set of beliefs to the other. Not that we should be collecting Hindus. We British have already kind of been there, done that.
The reason Hinduism is so widely diverse is partly due to the sheer bloody age of the religion, beginning around 500 BCE. However, Hinduism actually evolved from the ancient Vedic religion, which, although not commonly practiced today, served as the foundation upon which Hinduism grew. The ancient Vedic texts are known as the Vedas, and they feature many of the same gods and sentiments commonly held in modern Hinduism. They're kind of like the original novel upon which the big-budget Hindu-matic universe was based. Over time, the stories changed or were exaggerated. New writers came in with their own ideas, and then some people liked those ideas so much they no longer considered the original ideas to be canon. And then new crews of writers get hired, reconning the previous recons, taking stuff in new directions. And this has led to a problem: there is now a metric ton of Hindu texts.
Brahma is the OG Hindu god, closely linked but completely different to Brahman, which is the entirety of the universe itself, or Supreme Being. Brahma has four heads and rides a magic swan. In addition to his heads, he also has four arms. Why does Brahma have four arms? To hold holy stuff, including the Vedas, which were granted to him through meditation to give him knowledge to create the universe. The legend is that Brahman, the Supreme Reality itself, desired to create living beings. So Brahman created Cosmic Waters into which it spilled its seed. Eventually, a golden egg formed. Inside that golden egg was Brahma, who used the power of the Vedas to meditate so hard that he split the egg open and set about creating the universe. Not wanting to be wasteful, Brahma turned the top part of the egg into the heavens, or the bottom half became the Earth. After creation, Brahma then kindly passed the Vedas on to the Vedic, who got the Hindu party started. Unfortunately, Brahma has fallen out of popularity these days, thrown out of the party and kicked to the curb in favor of an even cooler god.
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Vishnu is probably the most important deity across Hinduism today. Devotees of Vishnu are known as Vaishnavites, and they make up the largest single proportion of Hinduism. Vishnu is often depicted as a blue magic person, also with four arms, holding things like flowers to smell and maces to smash. Hindus believe that the universe comes in cycles of birth, destruction, and rebirth. Reincarnation on the cosmic scale. Vishnu is the preserving force that allows a new universe to spring from the death of the old one. After the great cosmic destruction, the remnants of the universe become a milky ocean, in which Vishnu will permanently sleep alongside a great serpent with a thousand heads. Don't worry, mate, I've slept with worse. Anyway, for Vishnu to wake up from his milky nap time, a lotus must spring from his belly button. Upon that lotus will be Brahma, the Creator, who will wake up Vishnu so they can make a new universe together. And if you think the lotus milk story contradicts the golden egg story, welcome to Hinduism. There is a certain awareness that everything is interpretation. The exact facts of the stories are not so important as the sentiments they convey.
Anywho, Vishnu flies a giant eagle and has a tendency to manifest himself as demigods or avatars such as Krishna, Rama, and Kali, all of which are so popular they have their own devoted fan bases. They're not quite so popular
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as Shiva's. A nuclear bomb, a cosmic storm, a stargo supernova. Do not mess with Shiva. Shiva is that guy, man. Has the power to end the universe, and one day he will. Shiva holds a mighty trident and wears a tiger skin. He has the magic blue skin like Vishnu, but typically only has two arms, unless he is in a dancing mood, in which case he needs a couple more to hold his magic drum and his sacred fire. Shiva is often depicted riding a white bull with a cobra around his neck because, why the hell not? He is a god, after all. Oh yeah, and the river Ganges flows from the top of his head, often from the mouth of a lotus or the goddess Ganga. He basically caught the river in his hair to prevent it destroying the entire world. No biggie. Shiva completes the holy Hindu Trinity, or Trimurti, with Brahma and Vishnu. His devotees, known as Shaivites, and they make up around 25% of the Hindu populace.
So why is Shiva the coolest god ever? Well, Shiva, with his destructive potential, is also the most enlightened of the gods, possessing a literal third eye in the middle of his forehead. The story goes that Shiva's wife, Parvati, was feeling kinky one day and snuck up on Shiva to put her hands over his eyes. The world plummeted immediately into a great darkness. People feared that the great Shiva had abandoned humanity. To solve the issue, instead of, you know, moving his wife's hands and maybe giving her a spank for being so reckless, Shiva just used his inner powers to fling open a third eye in a blaze of celestial fire that restored light to the world and enlightened humanity. Do not mess with Shiva. Lastly, Shiva is also represented by a Shiva Lingam, which quite literally translates into "Divine Phallus." Magic penis. It's actually those magic stone statues in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. Not that I'm getting all my knowledge of Hinduism from an Indiana Jones movie, that would be silly. However, that does nicely bring us to the next most important god.
Kali. Actually, more commonly known as Shakti, the Mother Goddess. Shakti is essentially the female symbol of energy in which the Supreme Reality creates, preserves, and destroys the world. Wait, I thought that was Brahma, Vishnu, and Shiva's jobs? Well, yes, yes it is. But Shakti also does that stuff, at least according to her followers. The Shaktas. Shakti also comes in a variety of forms and names, mostly relating to Shiva. There's Parvati, Shiva's main girl. Uma, or Sati, Shiva's first girlfriend who got a bit embarrassed once, so she incinerated herself in the holy fire. More on that later. Devi, or Durga, who rides a lion, has eight weaponized arms, and had to kill the demon Mahishasur because Brahma had cast a spell that made a demon invincible to male gods. Way to go, Brahma. Last of all, Kali, who is the god of time, a four-armed goddess with dark blue skin, who dances on the ash of the cremated and drinks blood. Girl, you wild. All of these goddesses are considered to be forms of Shakti, or even forms of Shiva's feminine aspects. Really depends who you ask.
How about a less complicated god? Ganesh. Shhh. Ganesha. Ganesha is super cool. He's one of the most important gods, but also way less intense than the others. Ganesha is the god of chilling at home, learning stuff, going to weddings, and partying at festivals. Basically, all good things in life. You might have noticed that Ganesh has an elephant head. This is because Ganesh is the adopted son of Shiva. Why did Shiva adopt an elephant? Well, it's just a tad more complicated than that. Basically, Shiva's main girl, Parvati, was all like, "Ooh, Shiva, let's make some babies." But Shiva was all like, "Basically, a man's not about that life. Pass me your booty, girl." So Shiva got his booty and bounced. But Parvati was brooding bad, so she went to the lake and scrubbed the dirt off her skin from the mud and skin cells she collected. Parvati carved the body of a young boy. She used her god breath to breathe life into him, naming him Vina-yaka.
Some time after, Parvati was bathing in a cave, so she told Vina-yaka to stand guard. But Shiva returned, clearly in the mood to get into the cave to get into Parvati. But he found Vina-yaka blocking his way. "Oh, let me, little man. Man's trying to get in the buff tub, you get me?" "No way, man. My mom's bathing, and you can't go in." "Are you mad, broad? You know who I am, blood? Man, Shiva, the Destroyer. That'll let me in before I chop you up." "Shiva? I heard you. My father? What did you say? You dusty? Man's not your dad." And with that, Shiva did the only reasonable thing and severed the boy's head from his shoulders. Do not mess with Shiva.
Parvati heard the commotion and was naturally dismayed when she found her little dirt monster had been beheaded. So, as an apology, Shiva went and killed a baby elephant and sewed its head to the boy's neck, breathing new life into him as the god Ganesh. You would think that because Ganesha is an elephant-human hybrid, he would ride an elephant itself. No, quite the opposite. He rides a mouse. Why a mouse? Because it's funny. Lighten up. If you want misery, go be atheist.
Perhaps this is the point. We can make things really complicated and explain that all these gods, though distinctly different, are just the absolute Supreme's fun way of expressing itself. Like when you play a video game with several different main characters. Hindus also believe in the concept of the Eternal Soul, known as Atman. Every living being has an Atman, a bodyless, genderless life force that is singular and immortal. The aim of every Hindu is to live a perfect life to attain Moksha, where the Atman becomes one with Brahman.
What about reincarnation? Well, most Hindus believe in reincarnation, but some do not. Following the older concepts in the Vedas, which is more akin to the classical heaven theory. Dharma and Karma dictate how your rebirth will go, whether you'll achieve Moksha or have to suffer another lifetime of existing in some form or another. There is a rough hierarchy to reincarnation that Hindus believe in. Worst-case scenario, you get reincarnated to the underworld as some nightmarish creature. But this is not permanent. If you live a good life as a fire monster, then you can escape and become reborn again. Next up, inanimate objects. This one I really don't understand. Like, how are you supposed to follow Dharma and gain good Karma if you're a literal boulder? "Was I a good boulder?" "Um, no. Remember the time you squished a baby?" "But that wasn't my fault. That was Penelope the psycho clown. I had no choice in that." "Well, too bad. You're an accomplice. Enjoy being reborn as a pebble." Anyway, after inanimate objects, plants and animals are on the list. Just follow your nature and you should be fine. After that, if you're reincarnated as a human, lucky you. This being gets to make actual choices and therefore has the most potential for success, but also the most potential for evil. Use your time wisely. Last of all, you can become a celestial being. Yep. Before your Atman reaches Brahman, you might get some time as a literal god. Seriously though, pretty cool stuff.
Hinduism is one of those topics you could easily devote your entire life to studying and still learn something new about it every day. But it's not all rainbows and sunshines. Some of the stuff is really not
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cool. Yeah, for such a peaceful and groovy religion, these Hindus sure are racist towards each other. The problem began innocently enough in the Vedas, where four Varnas, or classes of people, were identified. Brahmins were the priests and scholars. Kshatriyas were the warriors and rulers. Vaishyas, the merchants and agriculture. And the Shudras, which were the laborers and service providers. These classes were to do with one's vocation, which was determined by one's Dharma. It was never intended to be a birth-based hierarchy. However, somewhere along the line, around 200 BCE, there came a popular text called the Manusmriti, which formalized rules for caste-based duties, purity, and hierarchy, reinforcing a more rigid and stratified social order. Your caste was determined by your birth. Your role in life was determined by your caste, and you could not move outside of your caste. At least, when the British showed up, we saw such barbarism for what it was and put a stop to it immediately. Psy. The British actually heavily reinforced caste distinctions by institutionalizing them in censuses and enshrining them into law, often cooperating with the controlling upper castes to give them roles within the British Raj to help keep the lowers in their place. Yeah, we kind of suck. And the caste system thrived all the way up until its legal dissolution in 1950, after Britain finally left India alone. Anywho, the caste system is definitely the most up thing on the Hindu tradition list. No competition.
Child marriage. Yeah, yeah. This one's really bad. During the good old Vedic days, only adult marriages took place. The Vedas recommend that a woman should be around the age of 20 and a man should be 25 to make a good healthy couple. Sounds fairly reasonable. Many scholars blame the tradition of child marriage in India on various invasions: the Greeks, Scythians, Huns, and Muslims. However, even if it wasn't the Hindus that started the child marriage idea, my god, did they run with it. Child marriage in Hindu culture flourished like a wildfire to the extent that child marriage soon became more common than adult marriage. We are talking hundreds of millions of child marriages historically. Again, this was predominantly because the Manusmriti came in and gave new rules on marriage, stating women were to be married as young as possible to ensure that their virginity was intact. Yay, yay. This went rampant for thousands of years, but thankfully in 1929, the legal age for women to marry was raised to 14. India, why, bro? They didn't fix it until 2006, bro. Illegal child marriage is still happening in rural India to this day, but at least it's now officially a crime. Progress.
But other than child marriage and the caste system, everything in Hinduism is truly all rainbows and sunshines. Uh, yeah. Remember, um, the goddess from earlier, the one who burned herself to death? Well, she was the daughter of Daksha, a son of Brahma. For some reason, Daksha was unhappy that his daughter married Shiva, literally the coolest and most powerful Chad that ever existed. I don't know, maybe Daksha thought she could do better. So Daksha threw a big party and invited did everyone except for Shiva, whom he shunned. At the party, Daksha insulted Uma so badly that she became ashamed to the point that she used her divine powers to burn herself into a crisp. She was henceforth called Sati by all the gods. Shiva got so enraged that he started performing the Tandav dance, a crazy bop with moves so fire that the universe gets destroyed at its climax. Again, Shiva is just that guy, bro. Do not mess with Shiva.
Fortunately, Vishnu and his all-preserving chill thought, "Hmm, Shiva's pretty mad this time. One, I used my frisbee to cut his dead wife into 51 pieces and scattered them around India's holy places. Will that do the trick?" Shiva. It actually did. Shiva calmed down and stopped busting out his world-ending moves. Cool story, huh? Yeah, well, a lot of Hindus got the wrong idea and interpreted this as a message to burn widows alive after the husbands died. Yeah, guys, that can't be worthwhile. In fairness, sometimes it was a consensual burning. If by consensual you mean the village patriarchs getting together and saying, "You're your husband is dead. You must join him on the pyre." "What?" "Oh, oh no, I don't want to." "You must. It is expected of you." "But we were only married 10 years." "How old are you now?" "15." "Old enough to burn onto the fire." Yeah, that's pretty much how I imagine that situation playing out. Anyway, that was Hinduism. Bit of a cluster, but hey, what religion isn't?
Okay, yes, Buddhism is fantastic. The only religion in the world that never hurt anyone. But Hinduism is a close second. It's a religion without any singular right answer, and that's perhaps why I really love it. I'm not a Hindu at all, but I just can't help think that Hinduism is cool as. From the stories to the philosophy to the art, I just adore the vibe. Before I love you and leave you, I have one more mind-blower I would like to share. Whatever could it be? Drum roll. Garam Hindus. Garam Hindus. Don't get me wrong, anyone could be a Hindu. That's kind of the point. But how the hell did this even happen? It's like seeing an Irish samurai or a Filipino lumberjack. No hate intended. I love these dudes, and I also love you, and I bid you goodbye.
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