Transcription
Hey everyone, it's Dr. Romney. I want you to imagine a device, a device where, like a little box, it would show you what the narcissistic person is actually hearing when you're talking. Because you're not actually hearing your words, there's a little translation thing they do with it, right? So, it's almost like a translation. How you can use these translators, you can talk into them, like Google Translate, and it gives you the sentence. Imagine, and Google, I'm looking at you, maybe you could come up with this, the narcissism translator. That you talk into it, and you could hear what the narcissistic person is actually hearing.
Let's break this down. So, what is the narcissistic person hearing when we're talking? It doesn't really feel like they're listening, does it? Right? You say something, and their response really doesn't reflect what you said to them. So, what exactly is it they're hearing? Their responses are often in line with whatever distorted thing they heard. You'll say something, their answer will be completely out of left field, or it reveals that they weren't listening to what you were saying, or completely reflect an agenda they have, that, even when that agenda is not supported by reality or what you're saying.
So, let's look at what this is like in different forms of narcissism and in different situations. Because if you can lift the hood on a narcissistic person and see how their engine works, you may feel a little less crazy.
Situation one: Situation one, the narcissistic person is simply not listening. You might wonder, "Well, why aren't they listening? I'm talking." Because they don't care. Narcissistic folks will typically only hone in on listening to stimuli that matter or are relevant to them. That's it. Now, while, listen, all of us to a degree may tune out a conversation on another side of a room that has nothing to do with this, or if we're exhausted, we may blank out for a minute. But generally, for a healthy person, if someone's talking directly to us, we listen. Narcissism is such an egocentrically absorbed style that if it is not, if what you're saying is not relevant or interesting or supplying or validating them, they're going to tune out.
What does this look like? You might go up to them and say, "Hey, hey, you remember that girl at work, Mary? Oh my gosh, she is going through so much. Her husband is sick. Her child actually passed away last year. I feel so sad when I think of all she was going through. I don't know her, but I really want to figure out a way to help her somehow." And the narcissistic person looks up at you and says, "Huh? What? What did you say?"
What you might be thinking, "What is happening in their mind?" What's happening in their mind? What they're hearing is, "Not relevant to me." All systems that are meant to attend to other people are often shut down. So, in essence, what you're saying is the same noise as the dog barking down the street. They don't know Mary. They don't care about Mary, and they aren't completely tuned out of it, even though it's causing you heartache. This is universal across all forms of narcissism.
Situation two: The narcissistic person hears what you're saying as almost as a threat. Interestingly, for all the bluff and bravado we see in a personality style like narcissism, there's a lot of fear under the surface, largely as a function of the chronic insecurity and shame that's being activated. Anything that feels competitive, that evokes envy, that disappoints them, or leaves them feeling less than, they have an almost laser focus on it. But their inputs, what they hear, is so distorted. So that means that things that are, at the face of it, not threats. For example, you get promoted at work, or your sister and her partner bought a big beautiful new house, or that the narcissistic person wasn't invited to a particular party, or that they can't have something they want. That's a threat. Is like something that could harm you. Those things can't literally harm them, but they can psychologically. Seems like it'd be straightforward. But for the narcissistic person, the need for supply, control, and dominance, which is of, which is achieved by them by having the most, getting attention, being validated, that's the only thing they care about. Which means anything that undercuts those things is viewed as a threat.
Narcissistic people, for example, are very competitive sometimes about the silliest things. Who got the seat in the restaurant with the better view? Who got a better deal at the farmer's market on the tomato? Who had the better summer vacation? That means that even your passing success or an honor you got, for example, maybe you got honored at work in a job that is completely different than theirs, could result in them getting upset and angry and dismissive.
So, what does it look like when they're perceiving something that, at the face of it, is not a threat, but they hear it as a threat? It can look a couple of different ways. The first may be, you go up to them and you say, "Hey, I got a promotion. I'm going to be a regional director now, which is a little more money, it's more responsibility, it's a little more travel, but I'm so excited. I worked really hard for this and after years of that other manager who just didn't even see my work, this new manager seems to notice my work." A grandiose narcissistic person is going to hear, "Threat, threat." Initially, because we're able to wear two masks, they might say, "Good for you. Don't let all that power go to your head. I hope this doesn't mean that you're going to let the kids down and not show up to their events."
So, what does this mean for all of us? Okay, now a vulnerable narcissist in this situation may say to you, "Well, let's see. You're a regional manager at a company nobody has ever heard of, and it seems like they just sort of rotate that promotion around until people get tired of this boring place and go find a better job. The way I work, it's not about this nonsense of this ego stuff about promotions. It's about raw intellect and creativity. So, it's easier for you because these other ridiculous people just give you a title and throw some money at it, and then you stick around. That's how easy it is to manipulate you. It's not as fair in the work I do, and people aren't always aware of how much I do."
A malignant narcissistic person might say, "What do you mean all that travel? It better not be for long. That isn't going to work. You better hold up your side of the money, otherwise we're going to need to talk about it. And who did you sleep with to get this job?"
So, ultimately, when we look at what's happening in the narcissistic person's mind, your promotion, your good news, by someone who ostensibly is supposed to care about you, is being heard solely through a lens of, "What does it mean for them?" They may, grandiose narcissists generally will do this. They might give you a passing congratulations, but by and large, information about your good fortune or hard work paying off is going to be met with pushback since you are getting narcissistic supply, and that may mean that you have a little bit more power, and that doesn't feel good for them. The narcissistic person will process this threat through maneuvers like entitlement, "You better keep putting me first," or diminishing your accomplishment, "Anyone could do this," or control, "You better not think you can go and do what you want." Any change in the environment for a narcissistic person where someone else is doing better gets perceived that way.
And in the case of other perceived threats, like for example, other people's good fortune, your sister getting her big new house, the grandiose narcissistic folks are the best ones at putting on a good public face. A sort of, "Good for you. That's cool. That's cool." And may either get a little passive-aggressive dig in to maintain dominance, or they will quickly switch the conversation back to themselves to get validation. Things like, "Yeah, yeah, things are good for me too. We just had our biggest quarter ever, and I'm going to be buying a new car now." They're kind of like a mating animal that will feel the need to puff up feathers bigger to remain dominant.
Envy is a huge part of narcissism. The envy reflects their insecurity, and they either envy others and either compete with them or they put them down, or they assume other people envy them and cannot believe that someone is genuinely happy for their good news. For example, if something good is happening to the narcissistic person, maybe there's even a celebratory event for them, they're going to zoom out the gate that the other people at the event are envious and jealous. A healthy person may even approach them and say, "Oh, I'm so happy for you. You worked hard and wanted this for such a long time." And the narcissistic person may come out with, "Oh, come on now. You have to be a little jealous of me, right? I am killing it out there. I bet you wish that you lived in a house like this. Who wouldn't?"
Or even worse, they might say, "Uh, I don't know how you were able to live down there in the city like that. It is so hot and congested out here where there's more land and clean air. This is the place to be."
And then when it comes to disappointment, this is yet another form of threat. They will process in a conversation. The disappointment may be something as small as not being able to get the concert tickets that they want, which sort of punctures their sense of grandiosity and entitlement that they are somehow special and of course they deserve the tickets more than anyone else. Or maybe it's a broken refrigerator. "Why does everything bad happen to me? I'm such a good person, and these things keep happening to me."
Now, let's go to situation three. In situation three, they were never listening, and that screws up plans you were trying to make. For example, you tell them, email them, and text them a time of a flight that you have together, or you share with them a dinner reservation you made, or a birthday party you have to attend, or a deadline that's coming up. And no matter how much you communicate, it still turns out a mess, and you feel like you're going out of your mind because you communicated it so many times.
In a scenario like this, as we think about what's really happening in the narcissistic person's mind as they process this, it all relates to situation one. They're not listening, and that doesn't feel good. But it goes beyond that. You may wonder, "How are they missing it when I am actually telling them something that's useful for them, like when a flight for our vacation is, or the time of a dinner reservation they asked for, or an event that they wanted to go to?" How is it that they're not listening to that? This is the hardest part of narcissistic relationships to get your head around, that they really don't listen and kind of really don't care, and so there's so often tuned out and turned inwards.
Over time, the painful part of these relationships is that as your supply becomes stale, as all supply becomes stale, they may feel as though they're almost contemptuous. Their superiority means that once someone is not valued anymore, and everyone gets there with them, and combine that with their self-importance, that they do not listen to the stuff you're saying or communicating. It can really result in a mess, such as missed plans or massive arguments when they gaslight and say, "You never said anything," and meanwhile, you've got 100 texts to prove it.
The attentional systems of narcissistic people are off. They are so singularly focused on the maintenance of their grandiose self, staving off threats, seeking out supply. The little stuff of life doesn't matter to them, and that is the challenge. That's what makes it so challenging to get close to a narcissistic person, especially once they know that they've got you, that you're in their sphere. That's when they really stop paying attention. They are very interested in the hunt and in the game, but not in sustaining the relationship. And in fact, this is why people get stuck in the love bomb, Hoover, Hoover, love bomb cycles. When you are new to them, they are charming and charismatic and dazzling, but it doesn't take long but for anybody's narcissistic supply, yours, mine, anyone's, becomes stale, and then they aren't listening.
This looks the same across all kinds of narcissism. They really aren't listening and will blame you when things get chaotic, or they end up double-booked, or they have to reshape their schedule because now they're inconvenienced because they claim they didn't have the information. It's a tough one because you really can't win. If you keep reminding them about the upcoming date, reservation, time, whatever, they will tell you that you're being a pain in the ass. If you tell them just once, it's really a coin flip on whether they will hear it. So, you are locked into this perpetual space of knowing that they will lash out at you when the thing you told them about is finally upon you, or they will look at you absolutely shocked as though the day before is the first time they are hearing it. Which again, leaves you feeling insane. But you aren't insane. Their inner psychological apparatus is not oriented to the world in the same way a healthier person's would be. They care about the things that are relevant to them, and that's about it. It's all about supply. That's how they're processing information. Threats sort of pepper their world everywhere, and sometimes you are a threat without you even knowing it.
People keep asking, "What are the workarounds?" What are the workarounds? Sure, there are workarounds, but what workarounds cannot do is protect you from them lashing out at you. You can do everything you can to ensure that the trains run on time. You can seek out social support, people who listen to you. You can listen to videos like this, and slowly over time, you can learn that it isn't you. But when someone lashes out at you, even though you've done your part, even though you've dotted the i's and crossed the t's, it still hurts. Knowing how something or someone works doesn't mean that it doesn't sting when they lash out. The "how" doesn't lift the grief. However, lifting a little of the befuddlement may help you feel a little more grounded. These relationships hurt. There is no getting around that. Listen, I can't lift all of the hurt, but I can try and lift the sting of the confusion. I hope that helps, and thanks again.