Transcription
Dating can be challenging for anyone, but as a gay man, it comes with its own unique set of hurdles. I've been in a relationship with my partner for about a year and a half now, and it's going really well. It's the kind of love and safety I never thought was possible. Honestly, I didn't even know relationships could feel this good.
But getting here, it wasn't easy. I had to go through a lot of trial and error, heartbreak, and disappointment to finally land in a place that feels right. And because I've been through the ups and downs, I want to share with you what I've learned. My best dating advice for gay men who are serious about finding a long-term monogamous relationship.
But first, let's clear something up. There's absolutely nothing wrong with not wanting a monogamous relationship or not wanting a relationship at all. I get that everyone's journey is different, and if you're more into casual dating or open relationships, that's totally valid. This advice might not be for you, and that's okay. But if, like me, you're looking for a committed, long-term partnership, this video is for you.
Now, one of the biggest lessons I've learned, and I wish I'd understood this sooner, is to recognize and avoid something called limerance. Limerance is when you become obsessed or infatuated with someone, but it's not based on reality. It's all in your head. You get stuck in these endless chats with someone, maybe you're fantasizing about your future together, and the truth is, you haven't even met them yet. You're imagining the relationship before it's even started. This is a major reason why gay relationships often fail. They're built on fantasies and projections rather than actual connections. When you're basing a relationship on an idealized version of someone, it's bound to fall apart when the reality doesn't match up. So, if you're serious about dating, stop wasting time on endless chatting. Make a point to meet up with the person, or just move on. Don't let yourself get stuck in a fantasy version of what could be. Dating is about reality, not fantasy. Get face to face and see if there's something real.
Another hard truth I've learned is that people make time for what matters to them. I see so many guys frustrated, waiting around for someone they've been chatting with on an app to finally meet up. If someone's not making time for you, they're either not serious about dating, or they're just not that into you. This can be a huge pitfall in gay dating. There's often a lot of ambiguity and mixed signals, and look, that's fine. Just recognize it and move on. Stop wasting your energy on someone who isn't prioritizing you. One of the reasons gay relationships often fail is because people stay too long with partners who aren't fully invested. It's better to know early on that they're not interested than to sit around wondering why they're not texting back.
Let's talk about red flags. You've probably heard this advice before: don't ignore red flags, and it's true. But there's also a balance to be struck. You don't want to be so rigid in your preferences that you dismiss someone who doesn't check every single box on your list. Sometimes gay relationships fail because we're holding on to an unrealistic idea of the perfect partner. If you're too strict with your preferences, you might miss out on someone who could be an amazing partner. On the flip side, ignoring clear red flags like emotional unavailability or dishonesty sets you up for failure. Look for the things that truly matter: values, emotional maturity, and how someone treats you.
One of the best pieces of advice I can give you is to stop going into dates with the expectation of a relationship. Instead, go into it with the mindset of simply getting to know someone. A lot of gay relationships fail because we jump in too quickly, expecting to fast-track into a serious commitment before we've truly gotten to know the other person. So many of us put pressure on ourselves to make every date "the one," but that only sets you up for disappointment. Instead, go in open, curious, and interested in who the person is, without the pressure of whether or not this is going to turn into something long-term. Just enjoy the experience of meeting someone new. You'll be surprised at how much easier and more fun dating becomes when you're not weighed down by expectations.
The next part might sound a little bit cheesy, but I swear by it: be the best version of yourself. I love the analogy about the peach. You can be the juiciest, ripest, most beautiful peach in the world, but some people just don't like peaches, and that's okay. A lot of gay relationships fail because we try too hard to change ourselves to fit into what we think other people want. Focus on making yourself the best, most authentic version of you. Don't try to be something you're not just to attract someone. Be the best version of you, and eventually, you'll find someone who loves peaches as much as you do. It's about being confident in who you are, and that's incredibly attractive.
And let's be real, sometimes you're going to fall for someone who's not relationship material. It happens. The key is recognizing it early and not forcing it. A lot of relationships fail because people try to force something that just isn't working. A relationship shouldn't feel like hard work all the time. Of course, every relationship requires effort, but it should also feel like it works, like it fits. If you're constantly trying to make it work and it feels like you're pushing a boulder uphill, that's a sign it's not the right relationship. And trust me on this: being lonely in a relationship is so much worse than being single. If you're feeling lonely while you're supposed to be in a relationship, that's a red flag, and you shouldn't ignore it.
Now, let's talk about the apps, because I know that's where most of us start. If you meet someone on an app, don't let it drag on for days or weeks without meeting in person. Get a date set up as soon as possible. I'm not saying be pushy, but ask them if they're free for coffee tomorrow or later in the week. The longer you wait to meet, the less likely it is to happen. Many gay relationships fail before they even begin because people invest too much in online chatting without transitioning to real-life connections. And once you've set a date, avoid texting back and forth too much beforehand. Leave something to talk about when you meet in person. It'll make the actual date way more fun and spontaneous.
Here's a golden rule I've learned: if he's into you, you'll know. If you're left wondering whether he likes you or not, that's your answer. Attraction and connection shouldn't be confusing. If someone is into you, they'll make it clear. A lot of relationships fail because people stay in that limbo of uncertainty, hoping it'll turn into something more when the other person clearly isn't invested. If you're feeling confused, it's probably because they're not that invested. Save yourself the time and heartache by recognizing this early on.
And while we're at it, don't be afraid to experiment, in both dating and in the bedroom. Part of dating is figuring out what you like and what you don't. There's no shame in trying new things and learning what works for you. But sometimes relationships fail because one or both partners aren't willing to explore or grow together. Being open to new experiences and understanding each other's needs is crucial for a long-term relationship.
But with all that said, it's okay to take a break from dating. Dating fatigue is real, and sometimes the best thing you can do is take a step back and focus on yourself first for a bit. Don't feel like you have to be dating all the time. If you're feeling drained or grumpy about dating, it might be time to hit pause and recharge. When you come back to it, you'll feel fresher and more energized. Many gay relationships fail because people push themselves to keep dating when they're not in the right headspace for it. Taking time for yourself allows you to come back stronger and more ready to build something meaningful.
Here's another tip: creating shared emotional experiences on dates can help build a deeper connection. Sure, coffee dates and dinners are fine, but if you really want to build attraction, think outside the box. Activities like taking a dance class, going to a comedy show, or even volunteering together can create emotional moments that bring you closer. Science backs this up. When we share emotional experiences, we bond more easily. It's why affairs sometimes happen in the workplace; people are sharing stress and emotions, which creates a connection. Many relationships fail because they lack those deep emotional connections. You can use this to your advantage by creating those shared experiences on your dates.
At the end of the day, gay dating can be tough, but it's not impossible. It's about being intentional, understanding what you want, and being willing to walk away if something isn't right. Relationships fail when we settle for less than what we deserve or ignore our own needs. Don't settle for less than what you deserve. Keep showing up for yourself, and trust that the right connection will come when it's meant to.
Thanks for sticking with me through the end of the video. If this advice resonated with you, don't forget to subscribe for more conversations on love, life, and everything in between. Keep showing up, keep growing, and I'll see you in the next one. Bye-bye.