Transcription
Well, I'm sorry I'm late. I supposed to be here a little earlier, but uh, I spent the last two hours of a 7-Eleven going Mara marra cigarettes smokey smokey. You already speak English? How the [ __ ] did you get this job? I should have shot your ass in dang when I had the chance.
I'm going around the country. I'm trying to get as many people as I can not to get married, promise never to get married. I've been married, and I'm just trying to help, okay? Should be here, it's never been married, you never been married. What's your name? Michael. Well, Michael, if you ever think about getting married, if you ever think you've met the right woman, you want to settle down, change your life, you do me a favor, Mike. Remember this face, a cuz if you get married, Mike, that's going to be your [ __ ] face every day. It's the face of every married man. He wakes up in the morning, it's a truth man, he wakes up in the morning, he goes to the mirror, he looks in it, goes, "What that I do to my life?" [Music] It's it's true, folks.
Well, there's one good thing about marriage. I don't want to put the whole institution down. There's one good thing about marriage; the best thing about marriage is that these are connected. They don't come on, cuz if they did, your wife would take it as soon as you get married. She go, "You're married now, you won't be needing that." How say about four you C, do you want this'll be in my purse or in the refrigerator? What, you're going out of town with your friends? You can just leave that here. Oh, it's true. You see all these guys on the phone going, "Hello guys, yeah, listen, I got to cancel out, I can't make it. No, I'm not going to be able to go. She's got my dick, n she won't give it to me. I talk to her all day, yeah, she got the spear too." Well, she's upset. I tried to I tried to sneak out of the house with this morning, and I was halfway out the driveway, she come run out of the house and had to give it to her right there in the street. Okay, I'll ask her. "Hold on, honey, it's the guys." No, they just called to uh say that they're all taking theirs. No, I just I just going to take mine cuz I didn't want to stand out, you know, everybody's taking. Okay, she said, "No [ __ ] way." Yeah, she said, "No way, the dick stays here."
Do me a favor, if uh you guys see me working on the yard and stuff around the house next week, you do me a favor. Do you love me? You do me a favor, kill me, strangle me, shoot me, run me over, whatever it takes. I'm in hell, and just trying to help, but like I said, I'm just trying to help. I'm trying to just do whatever I can for people, like the world hunger thing, the USA for Africa, that's isn't that great? You guys hear the song? Nice song, is it beautiful? I'm I'm like anybody else in the planet, I'm very moved by world hunger. I see the same commercials, those little kids starving and very ressed and uh you I watch these things on TV and I see those commercials and I look at it, I go, "God, how cruel," you know. You see the little kid out there and I go, "[ __ ] you know. I know the uh the film crew could give this kid a sandwich. You know, the kids not out there uh you know filming a letter from home with a beta Max, huh? You know there's a director 5T away going, 'Don't feed him yet, get that sandwich out of here. It doesn't work unless he looks hungry.'"
But I'm not trying to make fun of world hunger. Matter of fact, I think I have the answer, cuz I spend a lot of time working it out, and uh if you want to stop world hunger, stop sending them food. Don't send these people another bite, folks. You want to send them something? You want to help? Send them U-Hauls. Send them U-Hauls, some luggage, and send them a guy out there that goes, "Hey, you know, we've been driving out here every day with your food for like the last uh I don't know, 3, 4 years, and we were driving out here today across the desert, and it occurred to us that wouldn't be world hunger if you people would live where the food [Applause] is." Bastards, let you live in a [ __ ] desert, nothing grows out here, nothing's going to grow out here. You see this, huh? See this? This is sand. Yeah, it's sand. You know, it's going to be 100 years from now, huh? It's going to be sad. You a [ __ ] Bard, get your kids, get your [ __ ]. We make one trip, we'll take you to where the food is. We have deserts in America, we just don't live in 'em, up [ __ ]. You guys been a great crowd. Thank you very much. I love you, then.