Transcription
Welcome to another episode of What They Don't Tell You at the Wedding. Today we're going to be jumping into a topic that a lot of people will find a bit uncomfortable. You see, we're going to be talking about incels. Society wants to tell us that incels are a bunch of basement dwelling losers who couldn't make it with a woman if they were in the same sleeping bag. I'm here to tell you the topic is a lot more complex than that. In fact, there are a growing number of guys who are married who would fall into that category of being incels. So, today we're getting into married incels, how it happens, and how you can avoid it. This is life 2.0. Let's talk about it.
If you're in a sexless marriage, you probably don't need it defined for you. But just so that we know what we're talking about as a baseline, a sexless marriage is when a couple has sex fewer than 10 times per year. So, a little less than once per month. Statistically, from what I've been able to find online, about a third of guys in their 50s are in sexless marriages. That's a third of married men are in sexless marriages. It gets closer to 50% as you get older. What's interesting is that the percentage of men who are in sexless marriages has increased in over the last couple of decades. So it seems like as time goes on and the longer you're married, those two combination lead to a reduction in your likelihood of having sex.
So, if you think about all those poor guys who are single and sexless and you compare them to the guys who are married and sexless, well, who do you think has it worse? Who do you think has it better? I don't know, man. I think I'd rather be single and sexless. At least then I have my money and my freedom, you know? Cuz if you're married and sexless, you're just taking out the trash, doing all the chores, bringing home the paycheck. You're an ATM and a butler basically. You are a a slave, you know. And if your marriage is sexless, there's probably a lot of other things going on there that make it unpleasant, too. So, let's not all get too judgy about incels. You know what I mean? Cuz there's a lot more of us out there than you think.
Now, I don't consider myself an incel. If anything, I'm a volcel. I I am voluntarily celibate for the time being cuz the like they say the juice just ain't worth the squeeze a lot of times. So what happens when you find yourself involuntarily part of the involuntarily celibate? Well, first of all, you lose your confidence. This happens whether you're single or married. But I would argue that it's a little bit tougher for married guys because the single guys, they're just being rejected broadly by people they don't know. You know, maybe on dating apps or just, you know, just because they've had some bad luck with women over the years. But if you're married, oh, it's really much more specific now. It's very personal. It's very direct. You're being rejected by the one person who knows you better than anyone else in the world. Someone who's already slept with you a number of times. She knows your moves. She knows what you got. And she's basically saying, "Nah, I've had enough. You're out."
Meanwhile, you're trying to figure out what's going on. You're like, "What the [ __ ] man? Why is this happening to me? What What did I do wrong? I thought this for better or worse, for sicker or poorer, you know, whatever, richer and healthier or all that [ __ ] that doesn't this fall in there somewhere in all those vows that we said like isn't sex supposed to be a part of this thing? Isn't physical intimacy the bedrock of a healthy relationship? Isn't that what Oprah said? Isn't that what they say on all those ladies talk shows? Isn't that what it says in Vanity Fair? Isn't that the way it's supposed to be? Apparently not. Apparently not. Apparently, we've all been misled.
The next thing you'll notice is that um you're going to start questioning your own masculinity. You're going to start wondering whether whether you're man enough because that's really what this is about. It's a way for women to um emasculate you by removing your masculinity. And it's a way that they have, especially in a relationship, in a marriage, uh, to exercise some control and power over you. Make no doubt about it. Um, if she's withdrawing sex from you, um, it's a way for her to express some level of power, control, discontentment, whatever it may be, it's an inability to communicate in a logical or even in a thoughtful way. and it's replacing it with lashing out. And she's going to hurt you as much as she can. And if she's withholding sex from you, that's exactly what she's doing. She's trying to find a way to harm you as directly as possible without ever laying a finger on you. And in fact, it's quite the opposite. She's not laying a finger on you. That's the whole point. And make no mistake about it, it is abusive. It is emotional, psychological, and I would even argue physical abuse within a marriage.
Now, unfortunately, in the world we live in, you're not going to find a judge who will agree with you, at least not in open court. They might agree with you quietly because they may have the same problem. You know, it's one thing to put on that black robe and act like you know what you're talking about. Um, and judge other people, but a lot of those people, those same judges, and I know a few, they got the same problems at home. They're dealing with the same issues. So trust me, this is not a unique problem. This has nothing to do necessarily with your masculinity. Let's just make that clear right from the very beginning. Um, this has to do with a uh toxic culture that has emerged out of feminism over the course of 40 or 50 years that has made tons and tons of promises it can't keep. And now women are very unsatisfied with their lives. And since they can't blame themselves because that would mean accepting accountability for their conditions, they're going to turn around and point their finger at you. You're the one who [ __ ] all this up. And because of that, you're going to pay the price. And the price that you're going to pay in the here and now is you're not getting any.
So, let's talk a little bit about how this stuff happens because it all kind of falls into some categories and you can keep your eyes open so you might be able to avoid some of these things. I've had this happen on a number of occasions where a woman that I'm dating will declare unprompted that she loves sex. I've heard this from so many women and I'm thinking, "Wow, this is so contrary to um what I've heard. You know, I thought that most women hated sex, but no, they'll tell you they love sex. Now, this is a red flag for a couple of reasons. Number one, they're probably lying to you. I mean, not to say they don't enjoy having sex. Um, but to say that they love sex and try to put put themselves on par with your natural animal desire for sex, it's completely different. But, um, I think it's a way to lure you in. I think that's really what it is. And in that courting phase, that dating phase, you're just getting sex day and night and day and night, and you're like, "Oh my gosh, I remember having to tell my wife, "Look, we got to cut back. Like, I am getting tired. I'm not sleeping at night." Like my little member here, he's he's all worn out. It's like his raw, you know? It even hurts for me just to get aroused anymore. So, yeah. So, you think you're you've landed in heaven, like you've somehow found the one girl who just loves sex all the time. You're in uh Nirvana. You've hit it. Well, you put a ring on that finger and something magical happens. They forget all about that sex stuff. Yeah. It's just uh it's like it's like the Venus fly trap, you know? It's sitting there with its pedals wide open, you know, and it lures you in. And once it's got you inside this little trap, it closes up. Next thing you know, you're just being squished. And that's kind of what happens to uh to men is they think that they have found the girl. She's the one. Man, she's pretty, she's fun cuz she likes having sex and she likes having sex. Oh my god, this is like the best woman ever. Yeah. put a ring on it and watch what happens. A lot of times that's going to go away. And if it doesn't go away immediately, then after uh the babies come. Yeah. After we're done filling the quota for babies, then you'll notice that uh things start to dry up really fast.
So, the advantage to being a single incel in this situation is if you've never had it, you don't know what you've lost when it's gone. But as a married incel, well, you had it all along. Like, you've been there. You you've been enjoying it. You have that dopamine addiction to the regular flow of of sex, and now it stopped and you're like a heroin addict, not getting anymore, you know, and you're like jonesing for it, like you're just losing your mind. So, the impact on you from a physiological standpoint is way, way greater. And the emotional impact of it, I would argue, is also greater because, like I said earlier, this person who said she loves you and dedicated her life to you and knows you better than anyone on the planet has now decided that you don't measure up anymore.
The next one is she just doesn't have time for it anymore. This is the one that I heard quite a lot. you know, you're just one more thing on my to-do list. You know, she got plenty of time to organize the closets. She's got plenty of time to plan somebody else's birthday party or to find the latest greatest yard decoration for the holiday we're about to celebrate. Um, she spent more time at Target over those last 10 years than she did fooling around with me. That's for damn sure. Maybe she was having an affair with somebody at Target. But yeah, you're suddenly um don't measure up to basic chores. And I remember having a conversation with my wife at the time and uh asking her about it and she says, "John, it's just like one more thing on my to-do list." And I thought, "Really?" So me and emptying the dishwasher are on par. So my simple little mind back then, I mean, I was so [ __ ] simp, you know? It was like, "Okay, so what can I do to make your life easier?" I thought that was the play. I thought that's what she was going for. Like I needed to do something differently to make to clear her calendar so that we could make time for sex. So I doubled down on whatever chores that we needed to be done. I mean, I was just trying to do anything and everything to make her happy. Anything and everything. You know what that got me? Zilch. Maybe it got me a little something along the way, but yeah, it nothing of substance. Nothing that you would uh say, "Well, that solved the problem." Yeah, it didn't. If anything, that just made it worse because now I'm busting my ass trying to make her happy. And I'm in that frame of mind of what can I do to make her happy, which is the worst frame of mind you could be in. That is like the worst single mistake men make because now she's got all the power. You know, h it's the worst.
What closely follows the whole chore thing is the um professional victimization thing. This is where um now it's not only that she's busy, life is just too overwhelming for her. She's too stressed out. She's got too much going on. She's just doing too much. She is just giving too much of herself to everyone else. Her cup is empty. She has nothing left to fill it with. There's nothing left over for you. She's the victim in this whole scenario. And you are now the professional incel. Yep. She's the professional victim and you're the incel that made it all happen. You took her away from her life of being single when life was easy, when she could just travel about the planet with no responsibilities and you married her and got her pregnant and saddled her with all these responsibilities. You deserve no sex. You're a terrible human being. You see what you did here? and she's the victim and you're the perp and so perps get none.
One of the great ironies is here is we give her the knowledge to become the terrorist that she eventually becomes. We had those conversations about how important intimacy is to us and how sex is really critical to us feeling worthy as men and having that connection with her. So now she knows how important it is and she has learned that she can weaponize this knowledge. She can use it to control you, to manipulate you, to punish you, to reward you. It becomes a joke at first and when it first happens, you don't think anything of it. You know, she'll joke, "Well, if you do that, you're not getting none tonight." you're like, "Oh, oh, is that funny? I'm not sure." You know, and then it leads to, um, well, if you do that, maybe you'll get lucky. And then you never do. Or your birthday comes around. You think, well, at least once a year, right? Right. At least once a year, maybe if I'm lucky, and then she acts like it's a a chore, like it's something that she has to do. She just lays there like a goldfish, you know? It's like, man, how did I get myself into this situation? You know, and she's still pissed off. She's still pissed off, by the way. The pissed-off look on her face doesn't go away through the whole thing. So, you got to close your eyes just just to get through it somehow. And I don't know how, but the phrase they hear screamed out in those, you know, um, demonstrations about my body, my choice, that suddenly gets turned and twisted into something it was never intended to be. And now if you're on the side of wanting access to her body, she sees you as some kind of evil misogynist that you are um oppressing her in some way. Like you are taking away her autonomy, that you're making her feel obligated. And that obligation is some kind of a um toxic masculine uh oppressive uh you know way of you exercising control over her. Anyway, it's all [ __ ] It's just another way for her to rationalize whatever it is she's trying to prove to you. Bottom line is women are externally validated and they're looking for happiness in all the wrong places. And when they stop looking within themselves for happiness, they're going to take it out on you. That's just the way it is. So if you're with a woman and you realize that she's looking externally for validation and for happiness and she's looking outside of herself, you're in for a terrible ride. Just Well, you may not get a ride at all, actually. So just know it's not going to be fun.
The final step in this nightmare is when she declares that she's not having sex anymore. Like, she's paid her dues. She's done all the things necessary. She is entitled to her decision not to be intimate with you ever again. I remember when my wife told me that. It was on Valentine's Day 2016. We had That was the last time we had sex. And that was the first time that we had had sex probably in over a year, maybe longer. And I remember having a conversation with her afterwards trying to convince her that this was a good thing cuz I thought that the sex was relatively good. I mean, it was fun. But um she got up out of bed naked standing there next to me or in front of me and she said, "This is never going to happen again." And she walked into the bathroom to clean herself up. There's a lack of it's like that that moment where you realize that everything that you had been working for, everything that you had lived your life for was uh a lie. Like your entire marriage up until that point, you had been doing everything in your power. You had been lying to yourself that you could make this work. Like this is going to all be fine in the end. That one day you're going to be retired. You're going to be sitting on those rocking chairs. You may be playing with the grandchildren and everything is going to be fine. But in that moment, all those dreams just shriveled up and died just like you know. It took three more years before she left. Three more years of being involuntarily celibate. And it steals from you the essence of what it feels like to be a natural healthy man because you are getting a dose of rejection every single day. Every single day. And to make it worse, my wife loved to walk around naked all the time. And she was had a nice body. So there's nothing like going into the bathroom. You know, we had this big expansive bathroom with a giant tub and a shower and tubble sinks and everything and a private bathroom. So, I had to walk through there to get to the toilet, and she would just be in there naked doing her hair, bending over and doing all this stuff. And all I'm thinking is, I'd like to just push you up against that counter and just have my way with you. And I'm thinking, no.
So, there it is in a nutshell. That's what the incel world is really like. Just because you're married doesn't mean you're immune to it. In fact, I would argue that being married probably increases your odds of becoming an incel much more so than you think. Becoming involuntarily celibate is not something any man hopes or wishes on himself or even anyone he knows. I don't think I'd wish it on my worst enemy. But if you're in a relationship with a woman and she tells you she likes sex, get to know her really, really well. Understand what motivates her. Understand what her relationships are with her family, with her father. Um, understand who she is as a person before you put a ring on it. And if you do put a ring on it and she bails on the sex shortly thereafter, take advantage of the opportunity at that moment to end the marriage. There is no reason in the world to go down the path that I went down, where you're just trying to fight it back. You're trying to find a way to get to the place where that projected dream of a long-term healthy relationship is actually going to happen. Um, because it probably won't. The likelihood that you're going to have a healthy relationship after sex has been withdrawn from the relationship by the woman is almost zero. All she's doing from that point forward is biting her time until she can figure out when she can she can leave and she can maximize whatever she can get from you. So, you take the initiative and leave first when it's at the greatest advantage for you.
All right, you guys. That's all I got for you today. I certainly hope you've enjoyed the video. Hope you've gotten a laugh out of it. It's sort of a sad topic, I know, but at the same time, I think it's one that has been overlooked. It does not seem like most people conflate the single incel with the married incel. And really, they belong in the same category. The only difference is the married incel is being um harmed specifically by the person he actually has a relationship with while the single incel has just kind of got this vague, you know, beef with society. I'm not sure which hurts more, but um I can tell you from experience, being turned into an incel by the woman that you love hurts quite a bit. It really does. And I hope none of you guys ever have to deal with it. Anyway, if you like if you like the video, please remember to like and subscribe. If you know somebody who might be having some trouble in his marriage, maybe he's experiencing some of these same things, share this video with them. And if you really want to avoid getting into this situation, take this advice. Stay healthy and if you can stay single.