Transcription
I'm so excited to see you tonight. [Applause] First date, baby. I can't wait. [Music]
Hello and welcome to another episode of First Date. My guest today is a very funny comedian. He's the host of the Giannis Papus Hour, History Hyenas. Andy has a new special out called Property Owner. Give it up for Giannis Papus.
Thank you. Thank you guys in the back. I appreciate that. There's a lot of people here on our first date. Man, I've wanted you to come to First Date for like so long. I wanted to be here for First Date for so long. I think I even slid into your DMs like a year ago.
I think you did.
You did? And I was like, "Hey, do you want to come on my show?"
Yeah. I got excited and then I saw it was for a podcast invite and I was like, "Oh, that's right. Pretty girl should have known it was for something other than a first date."
Damn.
Yeah. But I'm married, so I'm joking.
Yeah. You live in New York?
I live in New York City. I'm from New York City. I'm from Brooklyn, New York. I live in New York. And um, like all comedians, I come once in a while and pretend to like Austin. But you don't really like Austin. It's so different than New York.
Well, the heat's a little oppressive.
Yeah. Yeah. I can understand why racism persisted for so long down here, but people are just surly. I mean, Yeah. It's just our mood changes.
Yeah. We go from really kind Yes. Austinites Yeah. to like [ __ ] [ __ ] in the summer.
Yes. And um Yeah. I'm not used to people being nice to me. People just start talking to you here. Like even at a restaurant, someone was sitting next to me was like, "Hey, is this your first time here?" And I'm like, "Oh, we're not at the same table. We're at different tables. Like, your conversation's supposed to be to that person at your table." And my conversation is with my best friend, my phone. I was sitting there watching the game like this. I mean, what in is there anything inviting about watching some somebody going like this?
No. It's like, "Leave me alone." But, you know, it is weird. Like, I think that like I used to go to restaurants by myself all the time.
Did you?
Oh, yeah. You can do that and be fine, right? If I go there, they're like, "There's a at the restaurant."
Well, people think I'm lonely.
Yeah. Bring a book or
No, no. My phone.
You bring your phone.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But I would sit there and like I have just I'm just fine just ordering whatever I want. Just like being by myself having a good time. Do you guys come up and try their hand? Like what's going on? I of course stood up. I
That's what I'm saying. I look lonely. Like I look like I need a Prince Charming to come talk to me and I'm just like no.
Yeah. Like I don't want the free drink. Uh, being a pretty girl is like just being a celebrity your whole life and then if you get popularity you're like double. People look at you like double. You get looked at the same amount as Ben Affleck. [Laughter]
No one looks at that guy like he has anything fun going on.
No. But they recognize him. They look at him just you get looked at as much as Ben Affleck. That is how it goes.
All right. Yeah. So, you're married?
I am married.
How long have you been married?
Uh, five years, I think.
Guys don't really know.
Yeah. I I feel like there's always a question mark in the answer. Just I if I could count the the way I do it is count the amount of times I've masturbated. So, it's probably about I'd say about 16,000 times for probably about six years.
Yeah. I'm masturbating so so much it's starting to get gay. Like it's just a dude's dick and a dude's hand and my wife's hands just nowhere. It's just the ratio of guy hand to girl hand for a married guy is like 16,000 to zero.
Do you have calluses yet?
Yeah.
Yeah. I got You see I'm a lefty, too. So, I got a ring mark on my dick from my wedding ring from my own hand.
Yeah. Yeah. Can't even get to my wife. There's baby toys everywhere. It's booby trapped.
Yeah. Kids take over the house. Like, I never felt more like a Palestinian in my entire life. Like, they start out here with their toys and then they just set up settlements all over the [ __ ] house just taking over land.
Oh my god. It's a different life.
They don't stand a chance.
No. And they're girls, too. So, I'm surrounded by women.
Man, that's a lot of estrogen.
It's a lot of estrogen. I Yeah, I kind of understand what happened to Bruce Jenner. It just overwhelming. He's like, "Why don't I just be one, too?" It just happens. You start crying at commercials, tamponing my [ __ ] It kind of just starts.
You just had a kid, right?
I did.
Yeah. Yeah. What's that like?
Um, he's got plenty of food. Trust me, he doesn't miss a meal either. That we are stocked up. He's chunky, too. And like, you know, all my friends that breastfeed uh just like they run out of milk. I don't run I don't ha I don't have that.
No, you got a perpetual supply. He'll just be sitting there just eating and eating and I'm like, are we good yet? Until he just shits his pants.
Yeah. He's like a person at a buffet. You just end up eating more than you need. All you can eat because it's there.
Yeah. Exactly. Yeah. So, that's going well.
Um, it's going well for him. It's going great for him. He's very happy baby. Uh, he sleeps well.
Yeah. They say the bigger they are, the better they sleep. So, he sleeps like a rock.
Do you think nature that's what nature's like the bigger your um endowment like nature's saying like put a bunch on there? Like is that like you have like refill? Like it's like a Tesla battery for a solar roof. It's extra. Like it's got to be part of fertility in some way.
I don't know.
Yeah. It's got to be like a thing. There's the There's a downside though. Like I wake up every morning. No, my back doesn't hurt unbelievably. But my boobs will leak.
Your boobs leak.
Yes. So I wake up in the morning and my like little sports bra thing, my whatever it is, uh, is just completely soaked.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. In the morning and I'm just And it's gotten through like my mattress and all over my pillows. cuz I'm just like swimming in a [ __ ] ton of milk.
I don't know. There's got to be a fetish out there for this.
Oh, I'm sure there is. The male brain. I mean, I can squeeze my boob and it just sprinklers.
Yeah. It's like there's no off faucet. It just unless he eats.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know why I'm sounding so German.
Pre coffee. Ya. I just caught myself. Ya. I just blew my headphones out. I can't hear anything. A y I think I just got disconnected. Maybe it's cuz you said fetish and I think the people who are probably men of the culture who have the most fetishes are German.
Yeah. Yeah. They like they go all the way with their fetishes. I don't know what happened. Speaking of Germans, here comes one. Fison.
So anyway, back to being German.
Yeah, back to being German. I mean, when you're in Austin, it's like it's very similar to a German diet. It's just like meat. Like this whole city probably has colon cancer. I can't wait to get out of here to have a vegetable. I mean, it's just I've had enough of just meat. Just [ __ ] meat. That Where are you going and getting meat? Where can you not get it?
That's true. It's good. You're not vegan. Do you want brisket salad? Do you want a brisket brisket water? You want a brisket? You want brisket broccoli? You want brisket with It's like you can't you can't avoid it. It's like everyone's got colon cancer here. Get your [ __ ] colonoscopy when you're 10 years old if you live in Austin.
You're not wrong.
I'm not wrong. What's your favorite kind of food?
My favorite kind of food is Italian food.
Italian.
Yeah. I like Italian food. And then I like sushi second and then depending on whatever our country's uh relationship was with that country, I'll go third. So if we're in a good place with them, I'll I'll maybe go Korean or depending.
Yeah. But right now, uh, Indian, are we in a good place with Korea?
We're in a good place with South Korea.
Okay. Yeah. So, I'll have South and and I will ask if I go to get Korean barbecue, I'm going like, which side of the border is this barbecue? North. Is this a North or South piece of meat? We need to know. I only eat [ __ ] Samsung free South Korean meat.
Do you drink alcohol?
I drink some alcohol. I got kind of tuned up last night at Kil Tony. ended up smoking a cigarette cuz this place is uh hell and it makes you any any kind of thing you you will relapse in Austin. So I smoked a cigarette.
Yeah. I hung out with Tony.
Did you go to the strip club?
I didn't go to the strip club.
I didn't.
You're one of the few.
Yeah. I mean I can't do that. Get kids married and I'm you know I just trust me it doesn't [ __ ] matter. I know that. Well if I did you think I was going to admit it on a podcast?
Yeah.
No. I know. What am I? I'm like hello. I went to a strip club last night and [ __ ] three hookers. I mean, what do you think I was? I mean, I didn't, but if I did, I wouldn't.
Yeah. Yeah. I wouldn't say it. What happens at the strip club? Stays on a podcast, right?
Yeah. Yeah. No, I don't go to strip clubs. Um, and I I stopped going to strip clubs a long time ago, even before I was married, because it's just you start to realize you're not getting your money's worth.
Yeah. You're not getting your money's worth. It's like a little too expensive. I prefer the massage. I used to prefer the massage. That was not present tense. I used to prefer the massage. Like because the girl who massages you is actually looks like a stripper and but then you actually like can get touched.
I've never even been to a strip club where they massage you.
You haven't? There's always one girl walking around. She's like almost a stripper, but like her dad and she gives you like a backup.
Yeah. Like her she's getting money but she her dad her relationship with her dad is still on a talking basis. So she doesn't get the poll.
Yeah. She's the one girl in there whose dad texts her. So she does the massages and you know that's just that's that difference.
Oh my god. There's always one roaming masseuse. [Laughter] That's a
So you smoked. What did you drink when I went to the strip club?
No. Last night. Last night. I want to know what you drink when you drink.
Oh, okay. When I drink, I do a gin and tonic.
Okay. Um, so I had two gin and tonics on the stage. Um, Kill Tony. And then afterwards, I had a couple Melos.
That's good. Cuz when in Mexico do as the Mexicans do. I like Modello. It's probably the only beer that I would drink.
Yeah. Not a not a beer drinker.
No. Yeah. Yeah. You don't look like a beer drinker. And you don't look like you pay for many either. So, let's talk about your relationship with your wife, okay? Do you Where did you meet her?
I met her um speaking of the devil.
Oh my gosh. Let's talk to her. No, it was my agent. One of the Jews [ __ ] calling in. Um this is, you know, you want to be voice over on Trolls. Yeah. You see Adam R. It's just a Jew phone. You know, when you're a comedian, like Batman's got the bat phone. Every comedian is just your phone just becomes a Jew device. Yeah. Agents, managers, you know, they're all frisbes. We call Jews frisbes on the history hyenas cuz they wear you can always, you know, Yeah. Don't they have like little paper clips in there?
They do. And then they take it off and they play Frisbee with it.
Yeah. Yeah. Frisbee. It's hilarious. So, my relationship with my wife is a good one. We have a good marriage. I love my wife. Um, where did you meet her?
I met her, uh, she's 14 years younger, so I met her, uh, in when she was in middle school.
I was a substitute teacher.
You are gross.
Yeah, I'm just lying. Okay. Um, no, I met her when she was, you know, very old. And, um, no, we met at a show.
Yeah, cuz like I'm a comedian. I don't off stage like when this ends I'll be like, you know, I'm not like social.
Yeah. And then the cameras are on. I'm like, hello, Dolly.
Yeah. So, we met at a show and she's Greek and she's actually the only Greek girl I've ever dated. So, and
Were you performing?
I was performing.
Yeah. So, I met We've been together uh 11 years now.
Okay. Was she a fan?
No. No. Her mom was a fan.
Really? Which is interesting. So, her mom brought her and um I follow the order of nature.
Mhm. And her mom's older than me, so I'm like can't do that. and her daughter was younger than me, so I was like, "Can do that."
Yeah. So, I did that.
Yeah. All right. I looked at her pictures on Instagram and she was she was beautiful and um so then I I followed up and um
Where did you follow? Did you go on a date?
I was actually I had a TV show at the time in Miami was on the Fusion Network and I had flown in to New York to do this show. I used to do these Greek shows because I have this Greek character that got popular years ago.
Well, that sure aligns with her.
Yeah. And so what I did this show that I didn't want to do and I met her there at like her in her n like area in Long Island and then she messaged on my Instagram like don't leave my family wants to take a picture and then I checked her gram slid into the DMs you know couple of furniture emojis which I get which means you're moving into the DMs you slap some furniture emojis that's from Chris Stephano that's his move.
That's a good move.
Yeah. You just take all the furniture emojis and throw them in. She goes what's this? You go I'm moving into your DMs.
Oh. Uh yeah. And then we started talking. I flew her to DC. We went to the White House correspondences. Block all of those emojis.
Yeah. Just block them. And then uh we had sex on the first uh date.
Okay. First date. We had sex on the first date. And I was like, she's a keeper.
Yeah. And I went down on her in the first date. So I was like, "This is my wife."
Wow. Yeah. And no fumes. No fumes. So that you need That's important.
Yeah. Yeah. Okay. No fumes. And then how how quickly did you when did you tell her you loved her?
Um I was drunk that night so I think I might have blurted it out. I love you but I probably had like [ __ ] slop all over my face.
Is it what kind of is this Rrr rated? What kind of show is it?
It is Rrated by E.
Well, what are you going to do?
I don't know. I have it too. I come up I look like a hippo when I come up out of the water. Just a little water drip down.
What do you mean?
That's what women want. You don't want a hippo?
No, I know. I'm just there's so much liquid coming out of me right now that just liquid. There's just I'm so I just want to know what something dry feels like.
That's true. You just had the baby, right?
Yes. Yeah. There's just a lot of wetness. You got to do like PT to tighten it back up.
Physical therapy.
I had a C-section.
Oh, unfortunately.
Nice. Didn't didn't mess with the front door.
I like that.
I tried.
Yeah, I tried. You tried to push but for 3 and 1/2 hours.
Big baby, huh?
Huge. That's what I'm telling you. He's a big old baby. His head circumference is 16 in.
Wow. He's in the 99th percentile for his [ __ ] dome.
That's what's good about black eyes though is they can like prep for that. They're like baby preppers. They're like birth preppers.
Oh my god. They can they can lose dude. And you know what's crazy is I didn't even realize that like a big head was going to be his thing, right? And his father has a massive [ __ ] head. And uh after he was born, I was like, "Oh my god, like our baby has this like massive head." And he's like, "Yeah, have you ever seen my head?" And he took his hat off and I realized for the first time how [ __ ] huge my husband's head is. And I was like, "Whoa, [ __ ] You got a big head.
He's got a big head.
I know. You got a big-headed baby. Now you got a gigant headed baby.
Yeah. Yeah. Don't show him face on. Show him sideways. Like, show his dough.
Yeah. Which one is he?
Well, they're twins. And so he's the one on the left.
Oh, they don't look that much alike.
No, they don't.
What do they do? Like uh like that's his brother.
They chefs. They own Terry Blacks.
Oh, love Terry Blacks. Brisket, baby. You want some more meat in your life? some brisket on that corn there.
Yeah. Okay. He's the one on the left. I love that we're enlarging his photo.
Yeah. Well, the one on the right's got a real big head.
Well, they're this they have the like he That's a big old head.
The one on the left.
The one on the left.
Yeah. I love that we're zooming in and in and in.
Yeah, that's his head. I mean, you can't even tell cuz he's not even like really looking.
No. Like but when he's like to the side it's it's pretty Yeah. Like it like looks like a big like you know when you blow up a balloon Yeah. and like you get to like the max Yeah. of that. That's how big his It's like a balloon at its largest.
Nice. Yeah. So when he's going down on you, you can see full It's like I see his forehead.
Looks like the sun rising.
Yeah. Over a grassy null.
Yeah. It's just It's huge.
Big old white head. So yeah. So my vagina is still intact.
That's good. That's good. So, you got to heal a little bit.
Yeah. The lower abdomen. I've been doing Barry's boot camp. I've been trying to get my body back.
Nice. Um I'll be honest, it's not that hard.
It's not that hard, right?
No. Yeah. When people like get like crazy, they're like, "Oh, I just want to like I'm tired of being fat." Well, go [ __ ] work out and eat a veggie, you lazy piece of [ __ ] Duh.
Yeah. So, no. I'm like back down to my pre-preg weight.
Oh, congrats. But I don't have ab strength. Not yet. because the cut the way they were like Yeah. So that's like I have like this weird like ab thing. I had like an eight pack before I got pregnant and now it's like down to a fourpack.
You'll get it back.
Yeah. Anyway, first world problems.
Yeah. Who's who's raising the kid? Like when are you doing are you stay at home kind of when besides this and comedy and all that?
Yeah, that's good. Yeah, I would say I'm home 90% of the time.
That's cool. I think that's important. Well, now the baby needs you. I realize like the father doesn't come into the picture until like a year and a half. Like my second daughter's two and um yeah, I didn't even exist till she was about one and a half. And what do you do when they get like so like you get can play with them at that point?
You can play with them. But it was this funny thing that happened where I realized how little I meant to my daughter um versus the mo my mom her mom um was I usually just grow my beard out and then shave it. Like I'm lazy so I just grow it out then shave it. So I must I have it I usually have a beard. So then I shaved it and I reached for my baby and she went who the [ __ ] is that? Like her her face actually went like [ __ ] are you? Who the [ __ ] are you? You could see that was in her mind like who the [ __ ] is this guy? She did not even recognize me because my beard was gone. So that's how little I meant to her. Whereas the mother, it's like the scent, you
Know, it's like she's attached to, to uh, my wife. How many kids do you have? Two girls. How old are they? Five and two. So, does it get better? Is it—are they more fun when they get older? It's so much fun. Okay. It's the greatest. Right now, you are in it. And every parent you talk to, they'll be like, "Wow, you're in it." They'll use that same expression, you're in it. Like it's Vietnam or something, because it kind of does. It's just crazy. Right now, your baby's sleeping a lot, though. So, it gets worse and then it gets better.
Yeah. Yeah. Right now, it's just sleep, [ __ ] eat. Right. My least favorite part is that he's like a potato, and so you have to pick him up to do anything. Like he can't sit up by himself. Yeah. He's just like—he's like floppy. Like he's just this floppy thing. Yeah. His head goes back, and so like you have to like fully, you know, and he doesn't really like laying back. He likes to sit up. Yeah. And so then I'm like—if I'm like a full body cast for the dude, and so we're just sitting up like this, and then you're like a nurse for Terry Shyo.
Yeah. Just moving the bodies. Yeah. Wow. So I just want him to be able to sit there by himself. Yeah. That takes a little while. That's like a—like seven months or something. Seven months. Yeah. And then—and I'm at three and a half. And then they start crawling, and then uh, they—as soon as they start crawling, they get fast. So you always got to watch. That's what I hear. Yeah. You got to just like make sure they don't fall down a stair. I can't wait to race him. Yeah. Well, that'll happen around two. And they—they—they're quick. They're little—those little buggers are quick. They just—and they don't know—they don't know safety or danger yet. So that's on you. So you can't just let them—your kid go in a direction, because they will find a ledge somewhere and just keep going—like they don't understand to stop. Yeah. So that part is hard. Yeah. I got to stop using the R word. Oh, you were about to say re—Yeah. [ __ ] [ __ ] And I say it like I like—it's fun. We're in Austin. I mean, it's—you—I think here you—I think you're at the—when you come into the airport, they're like—you're going to say right.
Yeah, of course. Are you going to the mother ship? Like that's part of the passing process—that—Why do you think they lock their phones up? Exactly. You know, cuz every comedian says those two things. That's right. If you want to hit it, if you want to hit here in Republican Hollywood. Yeah. Yeah. So, you go to—but you go to LA and you say—and—Yeah. He's an unhoused special challenged—um, the comedy club will get an email. Genius. You'll get a one-star review. Non—non—non-binary. Yeah, you have to use different language in Los Angeles. I wouldn't even know how to do standup in Los Angeles anymore. It's—you know, you would think those people just went through a fire. You know, that you would think that the words would be okay. Now I went there; I was doing standup there last week, and actually this is true. The last time I was in LA was when the Dodgers were playing the Yankees in the World Series, and I'm a big Yankee fan from New York, and the Dodgers won, and they were doing this dance [ __ ], and it was horrible to be in Los Angeles, and I hated watching that. But then the fires came, and I was like, "Oh, God got you back. God is a Yankee fan." So we're—I feel—I felt a little better about that. When I was watching the fires, I was like, "Yeah, who's doing this [ __ ] now?" You know? No. No. No one. No one was doing that dance. No one. Yeah. So, you figure—I think I—when I performed, I felt a little bit that they were a little more receptive to just, hey, this is funny because their house is gone. Yeah. So, they get—they have to laugh to keep from crying. They got a little perspective now. And if they keep [ __ ] around, I'll set another one. Who—how come nobody even suspected that might have been Yankee fans who set those fires? I don't know. Yeah, but I feel like their neighbors had water guns, and that was all they were using to put them out. Well, they had uh, Mexican gardeners with hoses, but it wasn't enough. Yeah. Because it was rich people's houses. It was a real socialist fire. It was like up in the ritzy. That fire—that fire, if it was a person, is Luigi Manion. I mean, it really just went after the rich. It really did. Yeah. It was a [ __ ] mal fire. That's wild. Yeah. So, that's why I didn't see any evidence of the fires because I'm just not rich enough to see it. You can't even go up there—and so Malibu Palisades. You probably can't. It's the gas alone to drive—like gas in California is—gas in California is a lot. Do you got a Tesla? I do. Yeah, me too. And trust me, I'm not saving any money on gas. How not? Well, so I was just talking about this yesterday. Okay. So, they—they—they have some update with how much you use the superchargers, and then where we charge, how much it charges you. And I think this—in the last 31 days I've spent $175 on charging the Tesla. So somehow it calculated the gas prices and equivalent to a tank, and I've saved $65 in the last month on gas. That's it. Where are you driving to? New Mexico. Why are you—Well, I am driving a lot. I'm driving to Dallas and Houston and Waco and like all these different places. So you're also home with your baby, and the baby comes—Oh, the baby comes in the—Yeah, of course. And so we—we take road trips. That baby's been partying since he was 10 days old. Yeah. We don't—we—I'm with him all the time. You didn't say at home. He takes—you take him with you. Oh, everywhere. Okay, cool. Yeah. Yeah. He's my little best friend. Yes, he is. And he's there for life. Yeah. Just attached to it. Yeah. And I'm going to tell your husband um a little tip. Be—Is it a boy? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Okay. Well, just always—the—it's good for the husband to just be the best friend of the baby and just always be nice to the baby, because you never know, you know, in case you get a divorce, you got an ally later in life. That's always been like [ __ ] this [ __ ] right? Yeah. Yeah. No, right now though, that little baby—all you. And actually, it's a boy, so you're—he's going to turn on his dad. I got daughters, so I'm constantly like just their best friend. I was going to say like you're going to—you're the—you're going to have daddy's girls. Yes. They're so into me now. And that—Yeah. And the boys are into their moms. I'm—Yeah. So it's like—it's how it is. So you got a friend, and if the divorce happens, he's going with you. So do you have any advice for other people that are in relationships—how to keep a marriage together since you have kids and you're married and it's well and you love it? Commit to it. Grow the [ __ ] up. You got—you can't have it all. Don't fence it. When you're in, you're in. If you're out, you're out. So, if you're married, be [ __ ] married. Commit. Don't be a douchebag. Jerk off a lot. That's a great solution. You just got to pull your meat. [ __ ] discipline it. You want your dick to be scared of you. You want—you want to look down and it's frightened cuz it knows. And it's a great solution. You're just—nobody will tell you this, but you're going to jerk off a lot. And that's fine. You just have to jerk off, and then it's just a nut. It's just a procedure. You get it out and you're done. That's it. Because the male brain's always going to be the male brain. Yeah. So, you just [ __ ] yank it out and go about your day and be a good husband. It's not worth it. You don't want to live your life looking over your shoulder. Uh, and uh, always help. Always help is a great piece of advice. That is great advice. Always help. Always help. So, yes. And when you go on—if—if you were to go on a date now with your wife and you can get rid of the kids, do you want to stay at home and just order in and have alone time or do you want to go out? Go out. Where would you go? Nice restaurant, maybe a nice club, a little—Lil—Little John playing so I could push up on that ass again like when we first dated. Yeah. From the window, you know? Something like—to recreate some magic. Yeah, my wife's beautiful, so it just be nice to see her in something other than like Crocs and sweatpants, you know? Step it up a little bit. Yeah, she just lives in Crocs and sweatpants, and there's just babies on her all the time. So, it'd be nice to just, you know, it is a Cinderella effect. Yes, it is effect. When you go out and you don't have that anymore and you just like dress up, you're like, whoa. And I could see how lit up my wife gets when she puts an outfit on now. Yeah. And like—Yeah. And it—I see how happy it makes her. And uh, so I would like to do something for her like that where she can get all dolled up and feel like a woman again. How did you propose to her? It was very cool. The proposal was very cool. Uh, first of all, I uh, I'm a comedian, so I have like commitment issues. You know, obviously my parents didn't pay attention to me, so that's why I'm asking strangers to do it. So I was very scared. Uh, on the night of the engagement, I just felt like I wanted to get my car and just drive away. I was so scared to do it. But I did it on Christmas Eve. Um uh, by the tree, so I gave her a fake present, right? So uh, it was a distraction present cuz I knew she was going to be opening it. And then I didn't kneel down, but I was—she was on the floor, and I was on this like couch right by the tree. And so while she was opening the present, I got the ring out. So she opened it. It was a wallet, and she was like looking in it cuz I think she was expecting maybe um a ring, but she was like looking in it like—she's like—what is this empty thing? And there was nothing in there, but then right when she looked up—bang—I had it right there. Wow. So she looked up, and it was bang right there, and it was perfect. It was a—it was a perfect proposal. Where did you get married? We got married in Long Island, New York. Yeah. Did you have a big wedding or a small wedding? A big wedding. There's a lot of comics around my wedding. We—um—Wow, we had a big wedding. We have a picture here. Yeah, she is beautiful. Thank you. Yeah, we got married at this uh, big castle in Long Island. How drunk did you have to get her? For what? Oh, for her to be with someone with eyes so close together. Uh, I'm just being mean. I'm just kidding. No, you're being honest. And that's—She's gorgeous. Yeah. No, she—when I—when you—when I walk around with her, people are like, "What does he do? He's got to do something." And then they look me up and they're like, "Still doesn't make sense." So, yeah, she's uh—Yeah, I got a pretty wife, and um, we got married at this place called Oheka Castle. Wow. Which is crazy big. Did you go on a honeymoon? We went on a honeymoon. Not—Yeah. Not that um—Yeah. There's some comedians there. Ari, there's Chris. Wow. Um, we went, she wanted to go to like Greece and Italy. Like, of course she does. I'm paying for it. So, let's take a Tesla to Mars while we're at it. But, um, where did you go? We went to an all-inclusive in Cancun. But, yeah. Well, you know, it was a vacation package I bought with my ex-girlfriend 10 years ago, so I still needed to use it. So, we were—we went to the Hard Rock Cafe, all-inclusive. It was fun. It was cheap, but we had a good time. My wife's low maintenance. She doesn't care about any of that [ __ ]. So, yeah. Yeah, we had a good time. Well, are you going to take her to Greece and Italy? Yeah, I'd love to, but she's from Long Island. Those people, they don't like to go anywhere. She's a real homebody. So, uh, my brother has a house out there, and I—Yeah, I want to—I want to go, but she says like the babies are too young. Uh, let's wait till they grow up. And so when she gets a little older, my kids, I guess, will take them to—to the motherland. Yeah. Yeah. Have you always had long-term relationships? Yes, I'm one of those. Scared to be alone. Yeah. Yes, I—Yes, I am. I've—Yeah, I went like back to back to back pretty much. I—I had little gaps. I had—when the year I lived in Miami, I was completely single, and I really got it in. I got it in in Miami. Little local celebrity, big fish in a small pond. And every month I lived in Miami, I—there was one more button open. Every month, one button came out. Is that because of the heat or because of the Cuban—just Cuban life? Yeah, you get that. It just happens. You just become Latin. Yeah. And um, yeah, that was one year I was like kind of single, but in between—Yeah. Before that I dated a comic, and um, that was three years. And then before that I was in an eight-year—um—college—I was single though. Four years in college I was single. So that's pretty interesting. But then high school—four years. Yeah. Yeah. So I've always had long terms. Yeah. Yeah. I'm a relationship guy. Did your breakups—were they more smooth or did you have big blowups? They were bad. Bad breakups. They don't—I didn't have any good ones. I'm cool with all of them now, but at the time they were bad. Were they—you breaking up or them breaking up? A mixture. A mixture. Did you lead them to break up with you? Um, well, the girlfriend before my wife, I think she got on Girl Code, and I think she just—her career did well, so she had to go and cash in. Um, she broke up with me, and then before that I broke up with a girlfriend before that, and then the eight-year one was just one of those on and off again. Eight years—those are the hardest to like cut. Those were hard to cut. So, but I broke up with her because um, yeah, she wanted to get married, and I didn't want to get married because I—I had a dream. Timing is everything. Timing is everything. It really is. You know, relationship should be this, not this. If it's this, it's gonna [ __ ] end. Yeah. I'd say guaranteed if you got this, it's over. It should be mostly this with a little that, a little that, but mostly that. That's what I think. I think you're—I've had these. Yeah. No good, you know? Yeah. So, you need a, you know, nice and [ __ ] boring. I can't do the on-off. No. Well, now you have a kid, so. But I've never been able to do on-off. You don't do on-off. If—if it's not working the first time, uh, that I can only think of one, two, three, three people my entire life. And the—and when it was off, it was only off for a couple days. And then there was like a big apology, and I was like—still really—really interested in the person. I was just hurt, right? But if a month goes by or anything more than that, I have gotten over my feelings, and I'm no longer interested. One month, you cold [ __ ]—That's all it takes. That's a long time. Jesus Christ. I've gone like two years getting over someone. Yeah. I'm—Wow. You do a month. Yeah. Wow. One month. Holy [ __ ]. And I'm like—over it. A couple—you have a couple days to recoup. You got a couple days. You don't even go back for that good, comfortable ex-boyfriend sex. There's no comfort. It's new, but it's always my anger issues. [ __ ] shut down. Straight to my head, and I'm just like, I hate you. Yeah. And then I talk to my friends about how much I hate you. And then they tell me that they've always hated you. And then it's just like this big ball of—we hate him. And then I get that text, right? And they're like, "You up? You up?" Yeah. Shut up. And I'm just like, and I won't even respond. You're shut down at that point. Done. Yeah. Me and all my friends hate you. Yeah. You're—you're pursuing—once a girl starts texting with the—with the girlfriends. The girlfriends—and we're like, "He hurt me." Yeah. They're like, "Fuck that. What a [ __ ] piece of [ __ ] loser." And then it's over. Yeah. Did you ever catch one of those friends texting him, though? You ever catch one of those? A stray friend? I had one stray friend. Yeah. Stray friend. Yeah. Yeah, she went straight. She went broke, and then she also went straight out of my life. You got to get rid of that trash. Yeah. I was like, "Ew." Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Do you go into another relationship quick? Oh, yeah. Yeah. I don't stay single for long. So, that helps you get over—Yeah. By getting under. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You have to get over by going under. I love catching a girl like right after a breakup. That's the best. Get them when they're down. Yeah. Because they're more willing. Cuz they want—they just want someone to like them. Yes. They want—they want—they're trying to get over. They're vulnerable. Vulnerable. It's the best. They want the drinks. They want to go party. Yeah. They're in their me era. I know it all too well. Yeah. It's the best time actually to catch a girl. Yeah. Is in between. Yeah. They're like wounded gazelles. Yeah. Anytime a girl's like, "Oh, I'm going through a divorce." Prime brisket. Especially divorce, man. Good word. That's the best one. Yeah. It means she's usually in her 30s and 40s. Yeah. So, if you're anywhere in close to her age, she's taking the deal because when she hits Tinder or Goof Fish or whatever the [ __ ] it is, it's going to be 70 and up, guys. And that's just a horrible reality. I got a couple friends in their 40s going through divorce. They're like, "Why is my dating pool 60 and up?" And I just go, "I don't know." Yeah. It's horrible. Yeah. It's not fair. How do you feel about dating apps in general? Um, not a big fan. Not a big fan. I'm into the in-person kind of meeting. There's not a lot of in-person meeting anymore. It's like—that's where all the buildup and the flirting and the jokes and the tension. And you know where the hottest girls are? Where? AI. AI girls. Have you seen these AI-generated girls? I have not. Oh, you mean the ones they generate? Yeah, like the visuals. You know what I'm talking about? Yeah, they're perfect. It's weird how like these are AI-generated girls. Some of them look too cartoony. Yeah, but there's like—that's too—that looks like just a really good artist drew her up. But like—that girl—that could be like a real girl, dude. This is like [ __ ] up Instagram models. This is not fair to women. No, you guys got to compete with trans women and now AI. You're getting [ __ ] attacked by both sides. Both sides. Yeah. Toxin computers just coming in and taking her. It's too much. We got this Asian girl with the space buns and her tongue out. Like I could never do that. No. No. And they're going to make these things like fleshlike soon. Like they're going to look like people eventually. They'll be like—like robots that you—Let me ask you this. Your husband gets an AI robot girl. Is that cheating or like—what? What's the deal? No, I think that's probably like jacking off. Yeah. So you wouldn't be—But I don't know. What if he built up an emotional relationship with this thing that just let him [ __ ] her all the time, right? Um, yeah. What do you guys think? Do y'all think that's cheating? Is it cheating? Uh, it depends if I'm doing it or not. Yeah, it's—it's an interesting thing.
Because it'll be probably a question in the future, very soon. Yeah. Like, yeah. Will, will that be true? As long as it can't talk. Okay, here's my rule. Oh, it's going to talk. If no. If it no, it can't talk. It can't communicate. So, you just want it to lay there and get [__] silent like a doll. Yeah, that'll be weird. It's weird anyway. Yeah, it's just sitting there like that. I don't want it to be talking like I want to hear, "Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Daddy. Yes, daddy. No. [__] me, daddy. No. No daddy's. No, daddy. [__] yeah. How about a [__] yeah?" What if, what if it just laid there and it was dead, and then I talked in the background? Could it be that for the, like, lifeless your husband in public? Can you be quiet? You're ruining my heart on I got harder, harder. [__] someone different. Yeah. Yeah. I got to hear a couple [__] yas and daddies. [__] me harder. Oh my god. They're like, "See, they're like, this is, you know, they have like only fans for these AI things." Wow. Yeah. Like that. I don't want that to talk to my husband ever. Yeah. So, if as long as it doesn't talk, you're cool with it. Yeah. Like I'm going to have to then I have to prove like why I'm better. Like I have to go up next to that and just like squeeze my tit and be like, "Can she do this?" Like spray milk. And then the AI is like, "No, I can't do that." But I can tell you the square root of 156. I can give you around. I can tell you where the best sushi is. Well, I can tell you my husband didn't marry me for my math intelligence, so that would not impress him, [__]. That would be unfair if you were good with math, too. It would be. Yeah, that would be unfair. God, you didn't have to develop math skills. No, I just had to say a few good comedy lines. Hi. [Laughter] You just had to say hi. And he was like, "Yeah, yeah, I'll take it." You don't have to lie. I really was into me for my comedy. It's a lot of comedic. Like, he thought I was funny. He was so funny. He didn't even notice anything else. God, I'm such a sap, too. If someone just is like, "Oh my god, I love your standup," I'll be like, "Yes, I will suck your dick. When and where you think I'm funny?" Yeah. Yeah. It feels good to get compliments. Yeah. By the way, I'm a big fan of your comedy. [Laughter] Everyone watching that knew that line was coming. Yeah. So now when people see me, they're just going to be like, "I love your comedy." Cuz before they're like, "I love your podcast." But now if you, if you're watching this, just tell me you love my comedy. Just, just laugh. Yeah. Thank you so much for coming on my show.
Thank you for having me on the show. This was a lot of fun. It was fun. I had a good time. I feel like I could talk to you for another 45 minutes. We could keep on going. We could. We'll do it again next time I'm in Austin. Yeah, we'll have a second date. Yeah, we'll have a second date on the first date. Where people find you? They could find me on the History Hyenas podcast with Christa Stephano. We're also YMH for life. Um, and my new special is out right now on YouTube on the History Hyenas channel called Property Owner. Please check it out. Okay. I shot it at the mothership. Oh, did you? That's fun. It was very cool. What's your favorite bit? My favorite bit? Well, go watch the special. I don't want to give it away. Go check it out and you tell me what your favorite bit is. Okay, I like that. Yeah, we'll say it in the comments. Yeah. Well, thank you for coming on. Thank you guys for watching another episode of First Date. We'll see you next time. [Music] Are you really drinking a glass of milk with dinner? You told your mom about me? Just say you're ready. Delete my number. First date. Your parents are your roommates. First date.