Transcription
Welcome to dating advice for men who love women. Listen, every time that you talk to, go out on a date with, or even have a relationship with a woman, you're doing it through a specific frame, whether you know that you're doing that through a frame or not. And actually, basically everything that you do in your life is done through a series of frames. But that subject in general is way too deep for this video. We're gonna focus in on the frame that you're in when you're with a woman that you want to date or a woman that you're in a relationship with. And the frame that you're in when you talk to a woman, when you go on a date with her, and when you're in a relationship with her, can have a really big impact on your results with her and how your relationship goes. And so, whether you want to attract a woman for one night or for a lifetime, this frame that you're in can have a really big impact on you, whether you're aware of it or not.
And here's another thing about these frames: you're not necessarily stuck in one frame or another. You can change the frame of mind that you're in at any time. And you can be in one frame with one woman and then be in a different frame with a different woman. And that could even happen on the same day. And if you've been in a certain frame with one woman, you can change your frame before the next time you talk to her or see her. And again, that's going to affect everything you do with her and therefore your results.
And so, what we're going to do in this presentation is first, we're going to cover two frames that you should avoid. And these are frames that you might find yourself in right now if you stop and think about how things went with certain women. So we're gonna talk about two frames that you should avoid. And then we're going to talk about two frames that help you when you're connecting with a woman. And so, let's go ahead and get started with two frames that you should avoid when you're talking to or going on a date with a woman.
And the first frame that you might find yourself in that I want to talk about is the beggar frame. This is a frame we definitely want to avoid. And you probably already have some ideas coming to your mind right now about what this frame looks like when you're with a woman. This is basically kind of supplicating behavior or kind of begging her to like you in a way. And of course, this isn't usually a really clear, conscious thing that people are doing. I mean, it does happen, but most of the time, guys are not down on one knee and begging a woman to like them. It's a lot more subtle than that.
And so, these frames affect the assumptions that you're operating on, your body language, how you talk, the things that you do, etc. And so, if you're in this beggar frame, basically, you're assuming that the woman is a lot higher value than you and you're acting based on that assumption. And if you already think that the woman you're with, that her value is super high compared to yours, and that you have basically not that much to offer her, that's going to put you at an extreme disadvantage, even if she likes you. And it's going to drive her interest down based on your behavior that's based on that idea.
And so, a guy operating from this beggar frame sounds like this: "When can I see your beautiful face again?" after they just went on one date. Which also could be interpreted as, "Please spend time with me again sometime, anytime you want. I'm free every single day. Don't worry, I'm open till from now till the end of time, and you can see me whenever you want. Please, please, please hang out with me and spend time with me and love me." Now, he's probably not actually consciously thinking that, but that's what his true beliefs are in that situation, and that's impacting how he's behaving, which of course impacts the situation.
Or he might think, "You're so hot, you know? That's like your value is so much higher than mine. Can I buy you a drink? Hey, you're a stranger and I've never met you, but I want to buy you something. I'll do anything for you." Well, okay, that's cool, but would she do anything for you too? "I'm so sorry to interrupt, but I just had to talk to you." He's already apologizing because he doesn't believe he's worthy of that woman's time, but he still wants her to like him anyway, etc.
And so, clearly, this beggar frame doesn't tend to work out very well with a woman because it just screams to her that you don't believe in your own value, and or you think her value is a lot higher than hers. And if she's trying to see, "Does this guy have value to offer?" and you're telling her with your actions and behaviors that you don't, why would she think that you do? And she needs to think that you have some value. And your value is not your value is infinite, actually, as a person. Your value is infinite just because you exist. So you have a lot to offer someone. Just because you're a man, you have a lot to offer a woman who wants to be with a man. And she has a lot to offer you. So you can't discount your own value or think too highly of hers. Maybe she's amazing, but she still has flaws too, and she wants you to see that reality and accept her and love her anyway, not put her on some kind of pedestal. And if you do, then her interest in you is going to go down, unless she just wants to use you for some other reason.
So, we want to avoid this beggar frame. And here's the thing: when a guy's not that interested in a woman, he's never going to operate from this beggar frame because he doesn't think that woman is so amazing, and he doesn't put her on a pedestal. And that's why the women that he's only kind of interested in or isn't interested in, that's why those women tend to like him a lot. So if you start doing this with a specific woman because in your mind she's so amazing, once you start acting in this frame, that's the moment when you start to lose her. So we want to avoid this frame at all costs.
And so, why do guys operate from this frame in the first place? Well, they operate from this frame because they think the woman they're interacting with is more valuable than them. And because they have this belief, they behave in a way that repels even women who are attracted to them at first. That's the key. Now, if you've listened to any of my other presentations or you own my book, "Attract and Keep Her," then you know that if a woman is not interested in you at least a little bit to begin with, then nothing you do matters at all anyway. There's nothing you can do to raise her interest. But if a woman's interest in you is one or two out of ten already when she meets you, and she's open to you or at least a little bit interested, then your behavior is going to determine whether her interest goes up or down. And if you're acting from this frame, even if she has some interest in you, her interest is going to fall, and she's going to lose interest in you. So let's avoid the beggar frame from now on.
And then another frame that we want to avoid. And I want to say before I reveal this one, that this one is a little bit harder to avoid because it's pretty obvious that the beggar frame is something we should avoid. But this one seems like it might be a good idea, especially when society is kind of setting up this frame for us. And it basically, every time you see a movie or you hear about dating, most of the time this frame is set up by the assumptions of our society. So it's a little bit harder to resist this one, but we should avoid it as well.
And what is that frame? Well, it's the seller frame. So this is where you're trying to sell yourself to a woman and or convince her to like you. And from a dating and relationship standpoint, that's actually just called qualifying yourself to a woman. And we want to avoid this frame of thinking that you have to sell yourself really hard to a woman. Here's the thing: you're a McLaren F1, you're a Corvette, you're a Ferrari, you're a BMW, you're an Audi, whatever car you really think is amazing and luxurious, that's you. You're not a used Pinto. So why do we think of like used car salesmen as kind of sleazy? Well, it's because the merchandise isn't that great. You gotta kind of sell it a little more aggressively. Well, you don't have to do that because you're not a friggin Pinto, okay? You are a luxury car, or at least a really solid Toyota Camry or something. If you can't see yourself as a luxury car, Toyota Camrys are just great.
The point here is that the more value that you have, the less you have to try to sell yourself. And ironically, the less you try to sell yourself, the more value a woman assumes that you have. And here's the crazy thing, this is very kind of ironic how it works: the less you try to sell yourself to a woman or convince her to like you, the more she generally likes you. She's going to convince herself, and she has her own reasons for liking you, and they don't have anything to do with most of the reasons why you think she should like you. It's not because of your resume stats and all the cool things that you think are amazing about you. She's going to start liking you because of the way she feels around you, the initial physical attraction, and then after that, when you're demonstrating the four attractive male qualities, which are: high internal value (which again, you're at least a Toyota Camry or better), internal strength (which means you can say no to her when needed, etc., you have a backbone), challenge (which means you're not so easy to get like every other guy she meets), and if you're selling yourself really hard to her, that means you are really easy. You're already sold on her and you're trying to convince her to like you. And also, pre-selection, which just means that other women on her kind of level are also attracted to you. And if that's the case, if you have a lot of options in terms of women you can date, why would you be selling yourself so hard to a woman so soon when you don't even know her that well yet?
And so, we want to avoid this seller frame. Even though society says, "Like, hey man, you got to get out there and convince her to like you," that's not how it works. No man has ever convinced a woman of anything. That might sound controversial, but I'm just telling you, you're not likely to be the first man to convince a woman of something, including that she should like you for whatever reason you think she should like you. No, she's gonna like you for her own reasons if she decides to like you, and you're just gonna facilitate that process. You're not a salesman.
And when you're out on a date with a woman or you're having a conversation with her, and you're in the seller frame, after a while, it kind of turns into that situation where your dinner just got ready, it's nice and warm, you have a show that you want to watch, and then some kind of like sighting for your house salesman or some kind of multi-level marketing salesman shows up at your door. And when you answer it, they just won't take no for an answer and won't leave so that you can go enjoy your dinner and enjoy your show that you want to watch. So it starts to get to that level when you keep trying to convince a woman to like you instead of just facilitating her deciding to like you on her own. And how uncomfortable do you feel when that salesman is not getting your body language hints that you want to go enjoy your dinner? That's how a woman starts to feel if you're on a date and you're just bragging about yourself or talking about yourself too much or trying to convince her how awesome you are. She just wants to relax and have fun and enjoy getting to know you a little bit. And you don't have to convince her to like you. If she's on a date with you already, she's got a little bit of interest, she's open to hearing about you and your life, but she wants to kind of start liking you naturally over a longer period of time, getting to know you more and more over a longer period of time.
And here's the bigger key: talking about herself to you, that's when you score the most points. When a woman is telling you all about herself and her life, that's when she's convincing herself to like you more, not when you're telling her all the amazing things about yourself that you think are really cool. So you mostly want to sit back and let her talk a little bit, not try to convince her to like you.
And so, a guy operating in this seller frame sounds like this: "So I was driving my Corvette over to my pro baseball game the other day, and see how awesome I am, you should totally like me." Or he might sound like this: "Nobody can ever possibly love you as much as I do." And that's meaning that it would be a good rational decision for you to like me because I'm so interested in you. Even though if you've been around here for a while, you know your interest in her doesn't matter at all. It's only her interest in you that matters. And your interest doesn't make her interest go up. Sharing your interest with her doesn't make her interest in you higher. It can only lower it, or you can break even.
Or he might sound like this: "Yeah, I do a lot of charity work. Oh, and I love horses. I also spend lots of time with my mom and my sisters. It's kind of hard with my job as VP at the bank, but I try to make it work. Oh, and did I tell you the story about how I saved a dog from a tree? Let me tell you." And then he keeps talking about himself for 30 straight minutes. This is the most common one, simply talking about himself too much and not letting her talk about herself because he thinks he has to try to convince her to like him. That's the most common one, and it's the least kind of exaggerated version of this.
So, we want to avoid that. Or he might sound like this: He agrees with everything that she says and then says something like, "We have so much in common, so obviously we should be together." That's kind of his assumption there. And really, like, you should break rapport at that point so you don't get too familiar. And that's kind of an advanced topic, but you don't need to be exactly the same as the woman that you're dating or agree with everything that she says. You should have your own unique personalities and opinions and stuff like that and build something in between you that's great. So agreeing with her too much is also part of the seller frame, like, "Hey, we should really be together because we agree on everything." Well, that's not really the basis of how a romantic relationship is formed.
Or he might say something like, "I wrote you a poem. Hey, I brought you flowers. I bought you a gift," etc. And he does that before the woman is even deeply in love with him and before she's his official girlfriend. So we don't want to bring a woman gifts or flowers or any of that stuff too soon, for that first two to three months. We're just raising her interest level. And these gifts don't raise her interest level. Even if you don't mean it to be, these are simply interpreted as ways for you to convince her to like you, and you're adding some external value into the situation because you don't have enough on your own just by spending time with her and being you. So we want to avoid that.
Now, once she earns it by raising her interest level to the point where she's deeply in love with you and she becomes your official girlfriend, after that, once she's reached that point, then she's earned that beautiful one flower in a gold box. She's earned a little gift. If she likes cats, you can get her a cat keychain or something silly like that, something small. She's earned a little gift after she's already deeply in love with you and has become your girlfriend. If you do it before that, you're operating from the seller frame, whether you know it or not, and it either lowers her interest or you break even. You don't get points for it.
Now, obviously, some of the examples I just went through are a little exaggerated, but you get the idea. You want to avoid the seller frame because whenever a woman feels like you're trying to sell yourself to her, i.e., you're trying to convince her to like you, she starts losing attraction immediately. And why do guys operate within this frame? Well, because they believe that it's the man's job in dating to convince the woman to be with him. This is one of the biggest myths that we have in our society. It's not true, and society sets this up for us. That's this is not how it actually works. Your job is not to convince a woman of anything. In fact, the more you try to convince a woman to like you, again, the less she likes you. And the less you try to convince her to like you, the more she likes you. So for the last time, let her convince herself instead of selling yourself to her like almost every other guy she ever meets does, and you'll do a lot better with her, I promise you that.
Okay, so now we know that we should avoid the beggar frame and the seller frame. So what frames do we want to find ourselves in? What frames do we want to operate within that give us the best possible chance with the woman and help our connection with her? That make things easier and better for both of us? What are some frames that help us that we should adopt?
Well, the first one that I want to talk about is the buyer frame. And obviously, this is kind of the opposite of the seller frame. So if your mindset in the first two frames is basically like, "This woman is amazing, I've got to try to get her to like me," the frame of mind that you're going to be in in the buyer frame is, "Let's see if this woman is truly a good fit for me or not." So here's the thing: when you go to buy a new car, I'm using the car analogy a lot because I think everyone can relate to it. So when you go to buy a new car, do you just kind of see the first car in the lot and take it away and pay all the money? Of course not. You walk around the lot, you see a few cars that you like, you open the doors and look around the inside, you take it for a test drive. And then once you find out that this one car meets all of your specifications, you negotiate the price. Still, that's the mind frame that you want to be in with dating.
When you go on that first date, it's not that you're already completely sold on her and you're trying to sell yourself to her. No, you want to see if she might be a good fit for you. And you're not even going to know until the third date or the 10th date because you want to see what kind of character she has, what kind of woman she is, how much fun she is to be around, what she has to offer you, how much you have in common, etc. You're not already sold yet, no matter how good looking she is. That's only one component. So don't be so sold on a woman so soon. Adopt this buyer frame and see what she's made of before you decide if you should be more interested in her or not.
And by the way, this is kind of the approach that women generally take, and when we adopt it, we tend to do a lot better as well. So the buyer frame feels like seeing if a woman might be a good fit for you over a longer period of time. And here's the thing: isn't deciding the woman that you want to be in a long-term relationship with and or get married to just as important or more important than buying a car? Then why is it you take so much more time generally to buy a car than to vet this woman that you might spend all of your life with and sign a document marrying your life to her? I think it's more important when you're talking about who you're going to spend a lot of your time with and your life with than it is when you buy a car. And you should be even more rigorous in making sure that she's the right woman for you, and you're also right for her.
And who do you think does better on a first date? It's obvious, right? Is it the guy who's already sold on the woman before he shows up and he's just trying to convince her to like him in whatever way he can think of? Or the guy who goes out with a woman to see if she might be a good fit for him? After all, of course, you're going to do better if you're operating from this frame. You're going to be more relaxed, you're not going to be trying so hard, it's going to be more equal between you. And that's the thing about this: in reality, both people in this connection are the buyer and the seller. It's just that most guys out there when they're dating, they only operate from the seller frame at all. So if you even just switch to this buyer frame a little bit, it's going to be a big advantage for you over other guys this woman might meet that she might like. Because you're just acknowledging the reality that both of you are the buyer and seller here at the same time, which is interesting, isn't it? Like when you go buy a car, obviously there's a salesman and you are the buyer in this interaction. It's one of the only interactions that we have in life where you're both the buyer and the seller in this interaction. And that continues forever. So it's a really interesting dynamic. But most men don't acknowledge they're part of the buyer frame too at all. And if you do, even a little bit, again, you're gonna do a lot better.
And so, why don't guys operate from this buyer frame more often? Well, number one, they believe that they have to convince women to be with them, to hook up with them, etc. They think that's just how it works, even though that's not how attraction works at all. And I don't blame them because our society basically says that to us. Number two, they're afraid that a woman won't see their value unless they tell her all about it. Well, here's the thing: a woman is going to see your value, and she's probably going to have an overly rosy view of you if you don't screw it up. She might think more highly of you than warranted. And we're gonna let her do that. That's awesome because you are at least a Toyota Camry or better. So she'll see your value more the less you try to show it to her. Let her create her own image of your value in her mind. It's gonna be a lot better than anything that you can create.
And number three, the last reason why a lot of men aren't operating from this buyer frame is simply because they haven't tried it before. So they don't believe that it would work or they don't believe that this is how things work. So they might be thinking to themselves, "What do you mean, be a challenge? Women won't like that at all." They don't understand that this is how it is and how things work, and that women respond positively to you being a challenge, not negatively. At least if they have any interest in you at all. And even if they don't like it intellectually, they raise their interest in you when you are a challenge. So whether they like it intellectually or not, you being a challenge raises female interest, assuming there's any there in the first place. And if you don't believe that, it's going to be hard to operate from this buyer frame. But that is how it works. And challenge is exactly what women really want, or at least respond to positively. Because when a guy is selling himself to her, she doesn't feel very good about being with him. But when it's her idea to be with him, and she's selling herself to him a little bit, she's extremely happy to be with him. It's the exact same guy, but wildly different results.
And so, because this frame works so much better than the first two that we covered, I highly encourage you to operate from this buyer frame with women that you're interested in from now on, especially the ones that you're very attracted to. Because if you're so attracted to a woman that you knock yourself out of this buyer frame and you start operating within that seller frame or the beggar frame, then you've already started to lose her. And we don't want that. We want you to be happy, and we want the woman that you're with to be happy. And that starts with you recognizing your value and not putting her on a pedestal and operating from this buyer frame at all times. So think back on your dating and relationship history and think about the times when you've been operating from maybe the beggar frame or the seller frame too much. And also times when you might have been operating from this buyer frame, and kind of look back on the results that you got from each of those frames. And then work to switch your frame of mind to this buyer frame more often.
All right, and then lastly, the last frame that I want to talk about is actually my favorite. I think the following frame is the healthiest, especially if you want a long-term relationship, and also the most effective for you at the same time. And this definitely works if you're only looking for hookups, but it's very important in my opinion if you want a long-term relationship with a woman. So what is the last of the two frames that are serving you better than the first two? Well, I call it the recruiter frame.
And so, instead of just like, "I'm the buyer and I'm trying to see if she's a good fit for me," which is a good start, when you're in this recruiter frame of mind, you're thinking this way: "I'm recruiting someone awesome for my all-star team that I'm putting together." So you're starting an all-star team, which is you and your future partner, and you're looking for someone amazing to be your teammate. This, I think, is actually the most effective, highest level, and healthiest frame of mind that you can be in when you're dating, especially if you're looking for a long-term relationship.
And so, when you go up and you talk to a woman that you're attracted to, or you take her out on a date, approach it like this: "Would this woman be a good teammate? Let's find out. Can you trust her? Is she reliable? Does she have a good attitude? Does she want to be part of the team, or is she only out for herself? Is she going to be part of the crew that's rowing the ship with you, or is she going to be part of the cargo that you have to carry? Does she have the qualities required to be on your team?" If not, stop contacting her. And if she does, then you just keep asking her out, and you keep following the steps we cover inside the "Attract and Keep Her" system until she falls deeply in love with you and brings up the idea of being in a relationship with you, "Hey, where's this thing headed?" And once she does that, that's when you know her interest is high enough. And now you can ask her to be your girlfriend. And then you just keep getting to know her over the next couple of years. And if you really confirm that she has all the qualities that are necessary for you to have a healthy, long-term, good relationship with her, then you can ask her to marry you at that point, once you decide that, "Yes, 100% sure, she's going to be an excellent teammate, and I'm happy to have her on my team."
So, those are the two frames to avoid and the two frames that we want to adopt instead. And remember, these frames might seem like a small thing, but they have a really big effect on how a woman ends up feeling about you. And they also have a really big effect on how you experience the process of dating. The frame that you're in when you're dating a woman affects everything. It affects the way that you talk to her. It affects the questions that you ask naturally from these assumptions in these states of mind. It affects your body language and the way you carry yourself in that situation, and she's going to pick up on that too. It affects how confident and relaxed you feel. So if you have this recruiter frame, you're probably actually going to have a better time when you're on a date. And of course, it affects how you decide if you want to see a woman again or not.
And so, these frames are a lot more important than they might seem. And of course, as we've said, if you operate within frames three and four instead of one or two, you'll be much more attractive to women without changing your personality at all. Being more naturally attractive without changing your personality is what we're going for. And operating from this buyer and recruiter frame allows you to be more attractive without changing anything else. It's gonna naturally impact the way you text her, the way you talk to her, your body language, etc., like we just said. So you don't have to change your personality, just change your frame of mind. That's what we're going for here.
And so, whenever you're with a woman that you're attracted to, get her talking about herself as much as possible, and do it from an attractive frame instead of begging her to like you or trying to sell yourself to her. And the best part about that is that it's a lot easier to let her talk a lot than it is to try to figure out the perfect thing to say next. And at the same time, when you're not trying to convince her so hard that you're awesome, she's actually going to think that you're awesome. So never forget, a woman likes you more when she subconsciously tries to convince you to like her, not the other way around. A woman likes you more when she subconsciously sells herself to you a little bit, not the other way around. And a woman can't be selling herself to you, even a little bit, and be rejecting you at the same time. So flip that script on every woman you date from now on and start enjoying the success that you deserve.
And if you want to know exactly what to do step by step from the first moment that you meet a woman you're attracted to until she falls deeply in love with you, and then what to do to make sure that she stays deeply in love with you as long as you want to be with her, and also how to build a great relationship with a woman, then go grab our best-selling "Attract and Keep Her" system right now. So inside this "Attract and Keep Her" system, you're going to discover exactly how to operate within that buyer frame and within that recruiter frame in terms of your techniques and how you text her and the specific steps you take along the way. So if you have this mindset of the recruiter frame or the buyer frame, and you also follow the steps inside the "Attract and Keep Her" system, then you're going to be able to attract and keep the right woman for you and build a great relationship with her. So if you want to attract and keep the right woman for you and build a great relationship with her, then again, go grab the "Attract and Keep Her" system right now if you haven't already. And to pick this up, just go to attractantkeeper.com/system. That's attractantkeeper.com/system.
And of course, if you're not ready to make the leap into grabbing the system yet, we have a lot of free content available for you online as well. And to get all of that, we have lots of free articles, of course, this YouTube channel has more free videos, but we have a lot of free articles as well. We have a book about texting, we have a training course about body language that's really good, and we have an excellent introductory course to this system called "The Formula," where we actually cover step by step exactly what to do with a woman from the first moment you meet her until she falls deeply in love with you, and then how to keep it that way. So we have like an introductory course to that available as well, completely for free. And then if you like what you see there, then at that point, maybe you can grab the "Attract and Keep Her" system and get the entire system and every single step. But "The Formula" is also excellent, and it's available to you completely free. So if you're interested in any of that, go to datingadviceformenwholovetowomen.com. That's datingadviceformenwholovetowomen.com.
I am Jim Wolfe from dating advice for men who love women, and I'll talk to you later.