Transcription
[Music] The mini break is nothing less than complete submission to ungovernable chaos. But once you leave the house, how the flip can the cat be expected to find food, shelter, and adequate entertainment? In short, once you leave the borders, how in heck can you locate the good shears?
But do not unfurl your fiery eye, for I, the waste of vows, says Richard Awadi. I'm here to make your short hall game the stuff of dreams that could one day become anecdotes. I, while saddled with some of the most available people in the world of fatutanement, am going to savagely barrel you through a multiacked mini break. This is travel without mercy tonight. 48 hours in Tenerife, the largest of the Canary Islands. And if that stat didn't wet your dock, how's about hearing that it bosoms 6 million visitors per calendar year and that it's a poultry 186 miles from the coast of Africa?
Joining me on this infernal trek is writer, actor, director, and criminal underachiever Lena Dunham. Woo! Together, we make a volcanic ascent. Humans shouldn't be permitted to do this. It shouldn't be higher than rain. Club miniature balls. This is the kind of golf I can do business with. And casually dismiss years of creative endeavor. It seems like the act of an absolute deranged serial killer. It really does. We're here, but should we have come?
[Music] Really? After a flight taking 4.5 hours from London and one from LA that may have been even longer, we arrive exhausted atop the island's south. Look at this. People are really bacon like clams. People have insufficient melon for this situation. But Richard, why have you brought me to Tenerife? That is a timely question, which I will now answer.
One of seven islands that make up the Spanish archipelago of the Canaries, the sadly seismic landmass of Tenerife bears the pop marks of its beloved legacy. Long a tourist treasure, it was conquered by the Spanish in the 15th century, became a pit stop for pirates in the 16th, and in the 20th was fatally felled by the full English. In 1797, Nelson famously lost his arm while attacking the island's capital of Santa Cruz. Something we should all bear in mind, lest she kicked off from the cobbles. A weekend in Tenerife can be had for as little as £164. A figure we may surpass with want and excess.
I feel really cool in this car. It's good. It could be the reboot of Herbie Goes Bananas. The only track we're prepared to take remains resolutely unbeaten. So, we thunder to the town of Tacoronte in the undiscovered north of the island. We need our bags. How do you open this thing? You have to. You're the driver. They'll cut to it. Here we are at the Emblemático Casa Casido. Wow. Knock, knock. I think, wow. I need to get these people to install the security system in my home. That's perfect. Here, let me just make sure. Yes, I believe the coast is clear.
Our assigned abode has morphed from the town's museum in the 19th century to a family home before solidifying into a five-room boutique hotel. Wow. There's a sort of indoor-outdoor sharing space with the elements thing going on here that I'm going to try and embrace. This has a problem. Yeah.
[Music] After three more miles of corridor, I finally arrive in this wide vista. This is really quite a view. Superficially pleasing. Yes. This is a good horizon. I'm not going to lie to you, Richard. I'm pretty hungry. Yes. Well, we need wine. What's a guach? What do you mean, what's a guach? A guach is a kind of popup tavern, and they serve food, rustic fare, to people like us pretending to be authentic. All righty. Look at this. The guach. No. They took the day off when they came up with that pun. That is too good. Thank you. Let's Let's click on the map. Look, there's a lot of locally. Let's Let's pick this one.
With vows of gape, we wouse through the Orotava Valley, the cliffs of which are massively bes, before executing this precision park at Casalito. Everything about this screams really authentico, which, like all guachines, offers a cluster of competitively priced Canarian classics and homemade wine. Has anyone educated you on the local fare? I visited a Wikipedia page briefly. I'm going to try and say some of these things in Spanish, and I'm going to support you. Ensalada. Salad. Salad. Carne de. That's the one. Thank you. Yeah, that's goat. That's goat. I know. Then I'm looking at Almagro. That's it. This guy. Get out of my head. Yeah. Escaldón. That's Escaldón. Escaldón is a highly calorific paste made from toasted gofio flour and stock, eaten in Tenerife for centuries. Escaldón, which is an excellent name for a villain. I get really nervous sometimes with new foods, right? Like if it's not something I immediately recognize as a substance I've put in my body hundreds, if not thousands of times. It It seems quite heavy. Okay. I think it's going to provide comfort. M. Very hard to pin that down as a flavor. You took the words right out of my mouth. Like meatloaf. Okay, I'm not going to lie. This is a little complex for me. We follow with my old enemy, stewed goat. This goat will not yield, and cheese grilled with palm honey. M. The cheese is very good. It's pretty good. With a side of paprika-laden egg and chips for the table. Just the three eggs there. What's stressful to me, Richard, and answer me this if you feel the same way, is the concept of putting all this in your body at once. Do you know what I mean? It feels like any one of these foods, you want a week between them. Well, yeah. It requires like a 24 to 48-hour digestion period. Oh, okay. Great. Great. Thank you very much. I like the drinking it out of a water glass. Makes it feel a little less like you're doing what you're doing, which is getting drunk in the afternoon. It's going to be a slow afternoon with a headache appearing just before sundown. Yeah. Straight in. Yeah. I'm from New York City. I know how to do this. I think all you need for that is a brown bag. Let's [Music] leave.
With a belly full of hoof and paste, we trundle towards Teide National Park. Approved by the dudes at UNESCO as a World Heritage Site for its superlative suite of landforms, which makes it sound like an ad for DFS. The sofa people, good people. I'm going to leave the keys in. Okay, so if someone wishes to take it, they're welcome. We arrive at the lunar landscape of Las Cañadas, blasted by centuries of eruptions into a pit of pumice stone. I've introduced a lot of gravel into my shoe. Look. Oh, gosh. Yes. That's the overwhelming sensation of being where the 2010 remake of Clash of the Titans was filmed here on this lunar landscape. It's also important to note that it looks warm but is freezing. It is cold. It's very high. It's raining below us. We're up above the rain. It's not right. Humans shouldn't be permitted to do this. It shouldn't be higher than rain.
The park's main POI for its 3.5 million annual visitors is Mount Teide, the third highest volcano in the world. I mean, you really have to give it to mountains, making you really feel your size. You know, I I feel insignificant in all sorts of topographies: beaches, office buildings, BBQ. At the volcano's base are the Roques de García. Twisted pinnacles of lava formed as a result of erosion. Roques de García. So impressive. Aka God's Finger. Wow. But to me, it does not look like God's finger because, as we know, God is Caucasian. Absolutely like a dignified beg. I personally love rocks. You have history with rocks. I took glaciology in college. So I have a good understanding of rock striations. Yes. But really only in one region of Ohio. These seem like they've been here for quite a while. I think they've been here a while. Wow. So, have you seen enough of God's Big Toe? I think we've seen enough rocks, which was a lot of rocks. We didn't skimp on rocks. No. Let's head off. This has been bount. Eyes drunk with dust and data, we stumble forth into night. I'm a little disoriented by how dark it is, but I'm choosing to trust you. Well, that's that's an error because I can't protect you. All I can do is offer you this stargazing tour, which I've pre-booked and is prepaid. Wow. Hi. Hi. Good night. Welcome. Nice to meet you. I'm Carmelo. Nice to meet you, Carmelo.
Because of its clear skies, clean air, and high altitudes, Tenerife takes bronze in the best place to view stars from competition after Chile and Hawaii. Is this your first time looking at the night sky? I've looked up before? Yeah. Um, but unless it's the Plough, I'm lost. No, I've never ever even looked up. No, don't worry about that. The North Star is that star that, at this time, from us, 431 light-years. We are observing the light with a delay of over 400 years. Jacobean period. That's light. So I'm looking at Jacobean light. You are. Yes. This is like with roughs on. When we observe the night sky, always we observe the past. Never is present. I think Carmelo is the new Oprah. I'm so inspired by everything he's saying. Yeah.
We wrap our retinas around some of the 83 of the 88 officially recognized constellations that can be seen from Tenerife and the odd planet. Shut the door. That's Venus. We just saw Venus. This is excellent. Before Carmelo gets astrological on our asses. I am Gemini. Gemini. Gemini is here tonight. He doesn't seem very enthusiastic about Gemini. Well, you know, they're sneaky and two-faced. So, you're saying like a twelfth of the population are just snakes. That's the situation with Gemini. Unfort, the legs, the whole package. Yes. But the word he used was beautiful, not sneaky. I totally hear you. I'm just going to let this one go. This has been extraordinary. Thank you very much. Nice to meet you. Thank you so much. Pleasure. Thank you, Carmelo. Thank you very much. Be careful. Are there a lot of jackals out here?
After a savage off-camera encounter reminiscent of The Revenant, day one ends with a newfound respect for the wild. In a time that's still to come, we set out like latter-day Ishmaels. Pilot whales over there. Who cares? Scale implausible heights. Do you want me to rescue you? And envisage a cataclysm. Couple more of these. And I'm looking up Danny Dyer's phone number, if you know what I mean.
[Music] In the first half of our Tenerifian trek, Lena Dunham and I, and oatmeal nightmare Richard Awadi, made awkward segues. "You have history with rocks." Swigged directly. "I'm from New York City. I know how to do this." And vidi Venus. "Shut the door. That's Venus. We just saw Venus."
Day two starts in Tenerife's capital, Santa Cruz, with a sally through the city's sculpture trail. I wouldn't put black and orange together, but I love this cacophony of public art. The route features work from the 1973 International Sculpture Festival by Henry Moore, Juan Miró, and acclaimed Canarian artists. Look at this prime slab of Martín Chirino, Lady Tenerife. Beautiful. The missing Chrisberg song. That's the first one they chose in this whole sculpture AON they went on. I like this a lot, but I feel like I've seen as much of it as I need to see. Scottish sculptor Eduardo Paolozzi's homage to Gaudí is suspiciously scalable. This is beautiful. Okay. Don't go too high. Okay. Well, I want to go as high as I can go. I don't want you to get overly high-spirited. I've become deeply uncomfortable with the choice that I've made. Do you want me to rescue you? Well, now here's my question. Do you think I can get back down between these? I think that's a struggle. The frontal wedgie I'm experiencing is profound. You're going down and through. Yeah, this seems right. Okay, you've committed to this. It's an excellent pose for a mid-80s to early-90s soft rap album. Yep. Wow. I mean, I'm pleased you're doing this for you.
[Music] How you feeling about this one? You know, I have to say, I'm pretty pro the exposed nipple and general fecundity of her. Well, it's called La Fecunda. She looks damn fly. I wish that was the body norm in America, and I could just live my truth. Please don't force me into a compliment.
In aesthetic disarray, we look to replenish lost fluids at one of the city's oldest restaurants. Do you want to hop up on this barrel? Yes. On this authentic barrel? The Barraquito is a bar stack of condensed milk, lemon peel, Spanish liqueur, Licor 43, foamed milk, espresso, and cinnamon. Gracias. Gracias. Okay, thank you. Oh, wow. I mean, this is just straight up delicious. It is nice. Tastes like turrón soup. I think that for a day drinker who also is courting diabetes, this is the perfect beverage. Okay. If you're cold, but also want to be drunk. It's actually gosh darn delightful. It's good. Do you want to know the origin of this beverage? Sure. It was invented here. It spread throughout the Canaries, but it was invented here in Santa Cruz. This is exactly where this was spawned. Hey, gravy. Thank you.
By way of additional gut punch, we've summoned forth Morcilla Dulce, or sweet blood sausage. It's got the texture of innards. Do you like the taste of it? I don't mind it. I wouldn't seek it out. Here's the thing for me. Blood pudding is just a stop. No. We don't go any further. It's a hard no. It's a hard no. Blood pudding is something like a jazzercise class or a Dave Matthews Band concert that I've been able to avoid for 30 years, and I'm not stopping now. But this, I'll I'll pound six or seven of them, and I'm not even a coffee drinker. I think this is a Licor 43 talking. Woo. Couple more of these, and I'm looking up Danny Dyer's phone number, if you know what I mean. You're in fast decline here. Okay, I'm going to leave some funds here. It's fine. We'll settle up at the end. One more sip of barraquito for the road. Have one more. Yes, it's the bra doesn't stay on long after you have a barraquito. That's what I'm going to say. You don't want to see me without my bra. No, I don't. Things are flapping in the wind. I really You don't want to see me in a wind tunnel.
[Music] Before we loosen the goose any further, we went west. Tenerife is one of the top three whale and dolphin watching destinations in the world. It's bronze once more for the reef. You probably already know that the short-fin pilot whale is one of the few mammals that go through the menopause. I think we're having cultural dissonance, which is you said "the menopause." Okay. In America, we just call it menopause. Please don't take that definite article as an act of hostility. You know, this is a nice thing to do with a friend. Richard. It is nice. It's a little back and forth, tipsy-wopsy, a little bit. Do you feel nauseous? Of course. Is there any part of you that can kind of just relax and think, like, I was once in a womb. I was once rocked by my mother. This is the same kind of thing. Thinking back to that confined space is not relaxing. Got it.
After several soul-sapping minutes, Captain José's trusty tiller takes us to the dolphins. There. Yes. Yes. Yes. Woo. There. There. I've never been this excited to see only about an eighth of an animal. Yeah. That dorsal fin really got me going. Will you stop assaulting me? Look there. Oh my god. Oh my god. Babies. Look at the little babies. As the sweat soaks my epidermis, the dolphins start to circle. Wow. What do they want from us? As does Nausea's icky ring. Oh, there's no pharmacy on this boat at all. Have you noticed that? There's no pharmacy. But Jose, like Ahab before him, presses ever more whalewood. Hey, look. Wow. Look at that one. That's a whale. Look. Wow. Come on now. They generally travel in pods of 10 to 100. Yes. Yes. Oh, mama. I feel we could have done this by watching YouTube clips. I'm 100% with you. Pilot whales over there. Who cares? I think there's such a thing as too much whale. Thank you, Captain José. Welcome.
[Music] Thanks to its year-round temperate climate, Tenerife is a popular destination for furious golfers. 50,000 folk a year visit the island solely to roll up balls towards indentations in the earth. And lamentably, I've arranged a golf lesson with a man called Lorenzo. I'm so pleased you reminded me to pack my complete orange and white golf outfit. It was excellent that you already possessed this. I know. I just went via a cliché shop and picked this up. So, let's try to play golf as quickly as possible and as well as possible. Great. You've got some tremendous raw materials to work with here. Under Lorenzo's guidance, there is scant separation between stick and self. There's something wrong with this ball, Lorenzo. Yes. Yes. That's better. Yes. It's a bit different style, but it works. But it works for me, and that's what makes me a champion. You get on here, I. Okay. And this is a sport. It's supposed to be. Yes. A sport. Okay. Here we go. All the best. That did not work. How long till I compete? You don't have to hit the ball. You have to think. You have to get under the ball. I have to. Ah. Oh my god. Look at this. Sorry to curse, but look at him go. Please. Am I wrong? Have you been sandbagging, aka pretending to have lower skills than you do? It's just talent. Thank you, Lorenzo. We can't thank you enough. My golf glove is on my hand. My pleasure. I've adopted a pose of triumph. I do think you've played before. I've never played before. Let's take it to the fairway. Yep. Let's do it.
[Music] I'm just going to pull up right along. Here we go. Mind the gap. Woo! I think you can maybe just shuffle it down. That's good. Pass and move. Pass and move. Pass and jog. Pass and jog. This is the kind of golf I can do business with. So, is the point of golf you want to get it to the hole with as few as few hits as possible? Oh, this jaunty montage already on the regional BAFTA long list can scarcely do justice to the sheer ferocity of my strokes. So good. That's it. No, that's golf. This has been great. Let's shake on it like businessmen. Yeah. See you back on the putting green, sir. Yes. And I like those figures that you mentioned back then, and I will invest with a creditable 64 over par finish.
We head back to the civility of the city and Santa Cruz's star-strewn breakwater. Look at this. The whole history of music. Wow. There have been some very keen misspellings over here, such as Bill Collins spelled F-I-L-L. But I like it. Yes, Tom Jones. Look at Prince, any. I do like that period of Elton. I think that this is a really, really, really special monument to a musical history this island seems to have nothing to do with. It seems like the act of an absolute deranged serial killer. It really does.
Our Canarian cavort now sadly committed to digital record. There is just time to pause at the Auditorio de Tenerife for our reminiscences. What do you think about this? I find it stunning. The building actually reminds me of the visage of some of the whales that we saw, and it's a great place to wrap up our trip. Our near-iconic accomplishments have been secured for a coin drop of £541 per purse. How could we distinguish between the many high points going on? I love the spirit and energy of the people of Tenerife. Yes. Who are honestly some of the friendliest people I've ever met. Stargazing was amazing. I'm from New York City. I've never seen things like that. I loved the wine straight from the bottle. So fresh at the watching guach. Yes. Although you could have done that at any corner shop. But there was a spirit to it. Yes, there was. Coming into this, we didn't know each other. We did not. Different cultures. Sure. Different attitudes, partially. Do you feel like we came together as a unit in a strong way? I feel there's a very good buddy cop film here. I think so, too. It's It's probably set in the back office, and we're not allowed in the field. Who's the good cop and who's the bad cop? I think we both just have issues with respiration. Next time, a melee in Miami with Rod Gilbert. Oh, you just caused a Cuban domino crisis.
[Music]