I will forget this feeling someday by Yoru Somino 3

My life without silto that isol began without issue. It was nothing more than a return to how my life had been before, which should have been obvious at this point. As far as my life was concerned, she was just another silto to me. Certainly no one of any real importance. She was just one of the many people who had passed by me in my days on this earth. That was all I should have been to Silto as well. There was no reason for her to retain even the foggiest memories of me. There is a limit to how many things we need to retain in our brains across our lifespans. That fact was glaringly obvious, or should have been. So why I felt uneasy? It had stuck with me. Her final words that day. "Sullying," she said. Who was sullying who?

"Morning."

"Oh, good morning, Suzuki. I sent you an email with the thing you asked for. You should double check it."

"Whoa, that was fast. Thank you."

She had said that I was sullying those memories, that I was sullying Chika. How ridiculous. Cha and I were never going to see each other again. That was precisely why I had to keep treasuring those memories so that I could never forget them. There's no way you could corrupt someone who you would never see again. If anyone was sullying her, it was Silto. She had sullied our feelings. Mine and Chika's. She had left those ridiculous accusations in my home. That foul stench continued to wrinkle.

"Suzuki, could I ask you to free up this afternoon?"

"Of course, I wasn't especially busy. Anyway, I'm going to have lunch with Kasan, so come with me. He seems to really like you."

"If that's enough reason for me to barge in, then certainly."

I wondered if perhaps she was referring to the influence that Chika and I had on each other. But no, I hadn't told her the details of our shared influence. And even now, I still bore mine the possibility that I might have some effect on her and lived my life trying not to make waves. I had tried to eliminate the negative factors in my life as much as possible. Not breaking anything, not losing anything, not falling into despair. The idea that I could do anything to harm Chika like that was absurd. Silito had said that I was blaming my own wretchedness on Chika. Trying to call me wretched as a criticism was a mistake. If she'd really wanted to hurt me, she should have criticized some particular feature of mine. However, the word wretched, which I supposed was a dig at the joyless life I led, could have equally applied to so many other people in this world. She had failed to effectively disparage me.

"Hey, Suzukiun, brought you a souvenir."

"Thank you very much. I never thought I'd see the day when you'd bring me a souvenir, Kudolan."

"Well, these were supposed to be a lovely treat from your senpai, but you can just give it back then. Kidding. kidding. I'll gladly accept your gift."

Saying that I was blaming Chica was also way off the mark. I owed a debt to Chica for the life I had led so far. For allowing me to be enveloped in that wind, for granting me feelings that I would hold indelibly inside my chest until the day I died. Even if the rest of my days from here on out were hollow, those feelings alone would remain real. Saitito could never understand what that meant when you lived such a meaningless life. For all Chika did for me, I thanked her. I would never degrade her, much less blame the emptiness of my own life on her.

"Hello, this is Suzuki. Thank you for all your help. Yes, as I explained the other day, I believe that will be the case for the rest of the fiscal year. I see. Yes, I believe we've met. In that case, I will confirm things with UEA and get back to you by the end of the day. Will that be all right? Yes. Thank you very much. Have a good day."

Every single remark she had thrown my way was wrong. I should have known that, but it still itched at me. Even now, 3 weeks after the fact, I could still feel the discomfort crawling down my back. By the time I had wrapped up some tasks that needed to be finished by the end of the day, it was already 6:00 p.m. I was dragging on a tasteless cigarette in the company smoking room when one of my co-workers noted, "You're looking a little sluggish lately, Suzuki." He'd had a kid just the other day. It was probably only because he was right in the prime of his gale, efused with such joy, that he had the leeway to meddle in someone else's life.

"Do I? Guess I've just had a lot on my mind lately."

"That's because you're so serious all the time. You need to go with the flow. You'll live longer if you do."

What he was saying was incorrect. It was because I went with the flow. Because I hated running into problems or worries that I appeared so serious on the outside.

"Or maybe it's about time you got married. You know, have someone at home to support you. I mean, marriage is about supporting each other."

"So, I feel like my private life would just end up tied with my work. See? So, serious."

Apparently, my words this time were especially apt, and he laughed, exhaling smoke. Though, I guess having a kid to support gives me the strength to work harder here. The words of someone right in the midst of his gale, I thought he was living for the sake of something that he treasured. I once felt that way. That feeling alone makes you feel like you can be anything you want to be. Of course, the fragments of strength, of omnipotence that you gain from it are all an illusion, and they vanish as soon as your wind does.

"I can't start thinking about kids yet. I don't even have any plans to get married. I'm just looking for a good time."

"No. Wait, so does that mean that girl you were with?"

"Yep."

Now that he mentioned it, I supposed I had once run into him in town when I was out with Seaitto. I hadn't remembered us having anything more than a casual conversation, though. I could tell that my response gave him a fair idea of the situation, but I figured I should explain more clearly, lest there be any future misunderstandings.

"We broke up, huh? Shame."

"Was it though? Putting it that way, I guess it was a shame that I had to let go of a fairly attractive person who would readily satisfy my desires."

"She seemed like she was really into you."

I gave a vague smile at this ever so slightly surprising analysis. I tipped some ashes into the ashtray. I guess maybe she was when we were together, but that's not always enough.

"Of course, us dirty old dogs need more than just emotional fulfillment, eh?" He said, laughing at his own joke. I laughed right along. He wasn't quite right. I think that Silito had been trying for emotional love, and she'd succeeded. If only I had been someone whose gust of life had not passed them by. If only I had been someone who had yet to encounter that one special something in their life. She was mistaken in directing her attentions toward me. There was no place left in my heart for a love of the mind alone. She probably felt that I was the one in the wrong for dating her without letting her know. Perhaps it was best that I accept this discomfort she had left within me. Accept my punishment. Anyone who would steal time away from a girl who had yet to meet her gale deserve to be judged. That was absurd. There was no need for that. How could anyone possibly possess the right to stone me simply for my silence? Even Silto was wrong.

"Nothing. Anyway, I'm sure you'll find someone else soon."

"I wonder."

"Whoops. If us fellows stand around here gossiping, the folks who don't smoke will have our heads," he said, looking at his watch again. He laughed at his own joke, tossing his butt into the ashtray and leaving the smoking room. Left alone, I took the last few drags of my cigarette. The tobacco flavor that was usually so weak to me was now non-existent. I was puzzled. I struggled to sort out whatever had suddenly bubbled up inside my mind. I was so distracted that I didn't notice what my own body was doing. And after I discarded my cigarette, I lit up another without thinking, even though I didn't want it. I thought back on the conversation and the train of thought I had just been going through. My colleague had brought up the subject of Silaitto, and I had started thinking about her. When he mentioned that love couldn't come solely from good intentions, it had confirmed for me that I didn't fit what Seaitto truly wanted. This was a correct analysis. I then wondered if I ought to atone for not telling her how I really felt, but I swiftly dismissed the notion. It was selfish to be angry at someone for simply not sharing all of their thoughts and actions with you and attacking them for it was clearly not within anyone's rights. And yet, I had once overstepped in that same selfish way and had hurt the one I cared about most in the entire world. There was something that Chika hadn't told me. And that fact alone had been too much for me to bear. I regretted that night with every fiber of my being. And yet I believe that I had said those things simply because my feelings for Chika were real. Because I wanted to know everything about her and that that alone was proof of the strength of those feelings. I should have been able to understand how she felt. Yet I denied it. It was utterly absurd that Silito would hate me just for not sharing my true feelings. It was stupid to want to know everything about me. In other words, I had been blind to my own feelings toward Chika. If my feelings for Chika were right in front of me, I could have never ridiculed the feeling of wanting to know everything about someone you loved. Or I shouldn't have been able to. And yet, wait, had I forgotten just for a moment? Fear coursed through my veins. Ash fell from the tip of the cigarette. "No," I abruptly muttered, trying to deny what I felt rising up within me. "It couldn't be true." There was no way I could possibly ever forget what I had felt for Chika. Feeling so powerful, feeling so heavy so easily. And yet a notion that rejected who I was back then crossed my mind. No way. Could I really have been that stupid? The only thing that had kept me alive was embracing my feelings for Chika. I looked back at that part of my life every single day. I always remembered it. That was what kept me going. How could I possibly ever forget that encounter at the bus stop when there was still a chill in the air? That time we spent coming to understand one another little by little. All the words that I couldn't understand. The scents that I couldn't smell. The tastes that we couldn't share. The days when there were wars in Chika's world. How much Chika hated the whale of the siren. Alumi's death. Tanaka standing in the rain. Chika saving me. Breaking the radio and the school bell forka. How happy she had been that the siren was broken. Touching her body. The joy I felt at sharing that first kiss. Spending our honeymoon together, smiling at one another. My intellectual chika. My imaginative chika. The chika who affirmed me. That one-of-a-kind chika. My beloved chika. Chika. Why did she leave me? How could I possibly forget?

The lit cigarette fell from my trembling fingers. Instead of doing the logical thing and picking it back up for some reason, I just took another from my pocket and started to light it. But my hand shook so badly I couldn't manage to ignite the flame. And in the end, I just tossed both the cigarette and lighter in the trash. Smoke rose from the cigarette on the floor, which I had only just started to smoke. I remembered. I remembered her clearly. But I had realized something. The only things that I could manage to dredge up from my mind were the facts. The strength, the weight, the force of those old feelings. I couldn't picture that in the slightest. All I could remember was the fact that I had felt quite a lot for her. All I could hear were the words telling me that the feelings had been strong, had been heavy, had been forceful. My heart didn't leap. I wasn't dancing. I didn't even stiffen up. In other words, I no longer felt those feelings the way I did back then. I was merely reenacting them. That was why I was so fine with thinking something that denied the person I used to be. This fact didn't make my heart ache. No, this was bad. I couldn't let it happen. It was all fading away. Without these feelings, it would all be a lie. Chika would be a lie. Desperately, ever so desperately, I tried to drag myself back to those days. Chica and I had shared songs with one another, hadn't we? I had been so happy to get close to her, hadn't I? But then I thought we couldn't even hear each other singing and couldn't understand what it sounded like. No, that wasn't right. We could hear each other, but we couldn't comprehend the melodies. I started to picture a rot spreading from the corners of my brain. Such fear was inevitable. I tried to figure out why this was happening to me. Why was this happening to me? Why had I realized this was happening right now?

I reached into my pocket for my phone. While taking it out, I dropped it once and had to pick it back up, then poked at the screen with my trembling fingers. I scrolled way back in my call logs for a name, which I immediately tapped and put the phone to my ear. It didn't even occur to me that she might be at work right now or that she might not pick up a call from me. After a number of rings, she answered the phone with a curt professional.

"Hello."

"What did you do to me?" I was fully aware that this question lacked context. Perhaps the part of my brain that knew how to form sentences had already rotted away. So say gave no response. So I gathered up what was left of my head to explain. "I can't remember my feelings for Chika. I remembered that I had them, but I can't clearly summon up the emotions. I should be able to, but I can't. I should."

She remained silent.

"You did something to me that night, didn't you?" I didn't stop to consider how ridiculous this must sound. Deep down, all I knew was that if she had done something to me, cast some curse or some spell or something upon me, it could swiftly be undone. After some time, I heard her inhale softly.

"Come to my place. 9:00 on the dot," Sia said, and then she abruptly hung up before I could agree or refuse. I stood there frozen in the smoking room until my concerned colleague came to fetch me. It pained me to just stand around waiting, but I got the feeling that she wouldn't want to see me before the designated time. At 9 on the dot, I climbed out of a taxi in front of Sai's condo and started swiftly toward the entrance. I had already mailed her duplicate key back to her during our time apart. So instead, I entered her apartment number to summit her. Receiving no reply, I tried ringing her once again. Still nothing. Trying to push down my agitation. I just decided to try calling her when I received a text. She was running 15 minutes late. I waited anxiously for her arrival. I didn't have it in me to wonder how she might treat me after so long apart. There was really no reason for me to wonder about anything. I loitered in front of the entrance, ignoring the suspicious glances from the residents going in and out. Finally, another taxi stopped. I immediately recognized the rider from the side of her face and had to fight my own feet's urge to approach. After she finished paying the fair, Sunay walked toward me, dressed in relatively formal attire. I'd planned to greet her, depending on how she approached me, but she stalked toward me silently, baldled up her fist beside her head, and punched me directly in the face. A punch from someone of such a slight build was not enough to do much damage, but I was still stunned at the wildly unexpected development.

"The admission fee," she stated curtly, and unlocked the entrance. Unsure of what I should say, I just followed her inside and boarded the elevator. She didn't say a word. Following suit, I silently stepped out of the elevator and stood in front of her door for the first time in weeks. Her place looked the same as it had when we were seeing each other. My things were even still there. I wondered at first if she had some lingering attachment to the items, but perhaps if she had actually done something to me, she had also predicted that we would at some point be here together again. I put down my bag and heeded her direction to sit, taking what had previously been my assigned seat in a chair on the kitchen side of the table. The owner of the home took off her jacket and boiled some water in a red kettle, preparing two cups of instant coffee and placing them on the table. I hadn't really been craving a beverage, but I thanked her anyway and waited for her to sit down opposite me. By the time her butt finally hit the seat, my patience was already at its limits.

"Tell me," I said. She looked back at me fiercely. "What did you do to me?"

Not taking her eyes off me, Sunaya breathed in once through her nose deeply and replied, "I didn't do anything."

"You must have. Seriously, I've affected nothing but my own circumstances. I have performed no hypnosis, nor said any word of a magic spell. Then why did you invite me here?" I leaned forward, my entire body tense. Still, she did not avert her gaze, nor even looked surprised.

"I haven't done anything, but I know what happened. If you haven't done anything, then did he do something?"

I settled back in my chair and recalled my day at work. Sun tilted her head. "He? One of my co-workers, but I don't think someone as worthless as him could affect me like that. Listen," she clipped. "I regret to inform you that everyone is special. Ridiculous like hell they are. They are. Every single person you meet, you're the one who decides which of those people can affect you. The only one who could influence me was Chika." She brought her coffee cup to her mouth and let out a long thin sigh. "I'll tell you what happened to you." My heart roiled in equal parts from excitement at finally getting some answers and fear that I might be about to learn something inconvenient. Still, stopping here was out of the question.

"Tell me, please."

"You forgot."

Before I could even process this bleedingly simple answer, an image popped into the back of my mind. Myself throttling the woman in front of me. In reality though, all I could do was take one stupid, inaudible breath.

"It's been so long that you've forgotten your feelings for her."

"That's impossible. But you have realized that you don't actually have the same feelings for her that you did back then, haven't you?" She appeared to be waiting for me to reply. I shook my head. "You're wrong. You're so wrong. But she said so on the phone. This is just temporary. I'm sure that once I know what's causing this, I'll get it all right back. I've forgotten. What was she talking about? I remember in factual terms the passion I felt when I first got into music and the way that I hated you in high school, but I certainly don't actually have the same feelings that I had back then. My my feelings aren't as halfassed as those." I realized that my voice was getting weaker. I wanted to get angry, but anxiety went out. And now I just sounded as though I were asking for help. I wonder how I looked to her in that moment. I got the feeling she pied me.

"It's fine to forget."

"No, it isn't. None of us can remember anything forever." She was being ridiculous. That couldn't be fine. It couldn't possibly. I searched desperately for the feelings that I knew should have been blazing within me. How often I thought about her at the time, how precious she was to me, to put it in more fickle terms. How I wanted to make her mine, and for her to make me hers. I believed that as long as she was there, I needed nothing else. I searched. I searched and searched and searched. The more I searched, the more I knew it. I couldn't help but become aware of it. The answer there in the very words that I had dredged up was wanted, believed. Everything there in my heart was there in the past tense. If I tried to scoop any of those feelings out in their current form, they would crumble and slip through my fingers like sand. Ah, this can't be happening. But it is. How could she possibly prove that? What could she possibly know? I was offended. I should have gotten mad and brushed her aside or simply exited the conversation. But I couldn't. I was standing in my own way. The amount, weight, size, and shape of the feelings I was once certain I felt no longer existed in present tense. It was like a shed skin falling from my body, drifting away, vanishing. No, no way. No. Not a single grain of sand remained in my palms. It was like a waking nightmare. I don't want to forget.

There was nothing to be gained from telling Suno Sanay that. She couldn't possibly call my feelings back to me, much less summon Chikah here from that other world. She had been nothing more than a trigger. A trigger that made me realize that I had been deceiving myself all along. Yet here I was, shamelessly praying for a miracle. With every fiber of my being, I prayed for this not to end. She stared at me as I continued to spew wretched, meaningless words. I thought she might laugh at me. I thought she'd lord over me, say that she told me so. However, she just looked at me, biting her bottom lip.

"It's okay to forget how you felt," she said, repeating herself. I shook my head. "If I forget, then it'll all have been a lie."

"This time." It was her head that moved slowly back and forth twice. "That doesn't make it a lie. We all forget things no matter how strong our feelings might be little by little. The memories of them crumble, blur, and fade. But that by no means makes what we felt at the time a lie. None of it is a lie. Not how I was so bored in those days that I wanted to die, nor how I found a band that I fell so deeply in love with that it made me want to change. nor the way that you loved Chika. But if I forget, then how can I prove it?"

"You still can. Listen, Kayakun." She placed her hands over mine, which sat folded on the table. I could never know what it must be like to take the hands of a man whose hands you had let go of just a few weeks prior. The hands of someone she probably hated, was disgusted by, scorned. The hands of someone who had never seriously attempted to face his own feelings.

"I really did think you were a piece of— Wait, what? I thought you must be one of the most vapid people I've ever met. You were twisted, drunk on yourself, and only put on the face of a proper working man. And I thought that I must have been a fool to have fallen for someone like you." She was right. I treated her the way that I had at the time to make her feel that way about me. Do you know how many times I thought I'll never forgive him. But still her eyelid twitched. Despite your attitude, you made me think about my own life and uncovered part of my true self. She was wrong. That wasn't me. Kaakun, it seemed like you regretted causing that poor dog, Alumi's death. I wasn't that sort of person. I thought this is an idiot who's crying just because he doesn't know the distance from his own humanity. She gripped my hands tighter. I don't have the slightest idea what's going to happen from here on out, but I can say this much. Before I realized it, I was hanging. Someday I'll forget what I'm feeling right now. This feeling of once more wanting to know more about you. Hanging on her every word. So right now I have to be true to myself, unashamed of the things I hold dear. I want to be. We can only build out the present through our own toil and suffering. Once you've done that enough, you'll grant yourself a present where you can be certain that the person who loved Chika once existed. I can give myself a present where I wasn't wrong to have been so affected by music. And from there, all we can do is to keep living. So, it's all right."

A single tear fell from her left eye. An ordinary non-glowing tear. "It's all right to forget me." Even the remnants of my feelings for Chika, the last embers that smoldered in my heart, crumbled and fell away. On the way to the bottom of my heart, those fragments vanished. But the smallest sliver of my feelings, something that I never intended to share with anyone, slipped out in the form of words.

"I'm sorry." I hadn't meant to speak the words aloud. Much less ever let anyone hear them. Chica, perhaps I had wanted to tell someone all along. I loved her so much. She was the only thing that mattered to me. Words that would never reach anyone anywhere. I wonder if she's already forgotten me. I hope she at least remembers that we once met. Only Sunul Sanay was listening, eyes lowered, squeezing my hands. The color would never return to my world. It would never get any easier to breathe. I could never be forgiven. And yet, it was as though I had been given permission to keep on existing in this world.

It had been about 2 weeks since the new year began. My world had fully returned to normal. Our days back to their old routine as well. Or rather, given that Saya normally didn't get a New Year's vacation, and I typically didn't do much traveling home to begin with, there were no major changes.

"Let's go to that place again tonight. I want dashimaki."

On Saturday, as I was cooking myself lunch, I received a message from Sai. I sent right back a simple okay. I was already in the middle of making some tamagoyaki, but that was fine. Tamagoyaki and dashimaki were different dishes. She had probably sent the text on the spur of the moment, as evidenced by the lack of any emoji. I set my finished lunch at top the table and turned up the volume on the new radio I had purchased the other day. The show that Saya was in charge of was about to begin. The moment the final digit on my digital clock turned to zero, the radio emitted a mechanical sound that slowly shifted into the pleasantly familiar background music. The female host gave a lively greeting along with the current date and time followed by her name. I started on my salad as I listened to her opening monologue. I recalled Sayia talking about how much work it was to put together these monologues. Today's topic was a friend who had gotten back together with a former boyfriend. As I listened, I half wondered if this had been inspired by say, but was embarrassed by my own self-importance when this didn't seem to be the case. As I listened to the love lives of complete strangers nibbling on some boiled broccoli, I thought about how many things were going on everywhere in the world. A lot of things were going on with us, too, now that we were dating again. Our story wasn't interesting enough for us to submit to a radio show, but after some discussion, things had ended up this way. Everything seemed to be going pretty smoothly for us on the surface, but say continued to tease me relentlessly with, "Um, so tell me about this Silto again." Obviously, in getting back together, what was most important was how Say felt about me. Just as she had said to me that night, she still wanted to see more of me.

"You're so stupid. It's cute," she added. I wasn't merely going with the flow this time when I swallowed my guilt and accepted her proposal. It wasn't a lie that I enjoyed seeing at her fiercest, nor a lie that I found her attractive as a member of the opposite sex. I had started to think that if there was any point from now to the end of my days, it was the simple fact that perhaps I could become someone meaningful, even if it was for a brief, fleeting moment, it would at least be while I was together with Suno Sai. I thought that this was an awfully self-centered point of view, but when I told her, she was surprisingly thrilled. "People can change," she said, though I still couldn't fully believe it myself. I didn't think that my own bland life could change that easily after so many unremarkable years, but I planned to keep building up a present where I at least wanted to believe it. Speaking of people changing, as I wallowed in a rather strange mood, Sai made a face like she wanted to reveal something to me, perhaps to clear the heavy atmosphere that had taken over the place. I was looking forward to this reveal, but at the same time, I was nervous. It was the same sort of face she had when she told me how much she had hated me.

"Did you notice I got some work done on myself?"

"Huh?" I made an odd noise. I stared at her face, but could see no stitches or seams. I hadn't noticed. "I hated my face. I got a bit done before I started looking for work. My parents still keep sniping that if they don't see me regularly, they'll forget what I look like."

"I hadn't noticed, but uh I guess I actually didn't recognize you at first."

"Yeah, I figured that you wouldn't remember me regardless, so I had to push pretty hard."

To my surprise, she revealed that she had in fact recognized me at the station back home, but she couldn't work up the courage to speak to me, so she had just ridden the train the whole time in silence. I didn't feel bad in the slightest that she had kept this from me. She was grasping her own path with her own two hands. That was a wonderful thing, just as she had changed her own face because she hated it. I now believed that it was fine if I one day became someone who could no longer face Chika, even though I might forget that feeling too someday.

When I finished lunch, it was still early in the radio show. After cleaning up my dishes, I opened my laptop and began working on the task I had been assigned. My job transfer ended up getting postponed and Sayia was still working at the station. She said that she intended to keep this job until she found an answer that she could accept. Wherever she ended up, she hoped to walk in the direction that her own determination pointed her. After the radio host finished reading emails that had been sent in, it was time for the music requests. In between were some commercials and pre-recorded interviews with artists, but for the most part, the program was made up of messages from listeners. Now and then, I thought about writing in to hear some song I had heard long ago.

"Up next is a request from a listener who calls themselves look. Helloasan."

"Yes. Hello there. I'd like to request the new song from her narin called silhouette. This song is the best. It always feels like there's suddenly this great big hole in my life. It makes me want to cry to think that there's someone in this world who could sing a song like this. You've got to play it."

"So, actually, we've gotten a lot of requests for this song. Obviously, I'm a huge Ner fan, but I seriously can't wait to hear this one live. All right, everyone, listen up. Here's Silhouette by her ner."

I didn't think much of it when the music started playing, nor when the lyrical intro kicked in. It wasn't especially good or bad. I still wasn't capable of making much more than objective judgments about music. I figured it was something I would have to grow into like a baby would. That was how I listened to this song, Silhouette. It was when the female vocalist started singing that the problem occurred. When I say that there was trouble with this radio show, I don't mean that there was interference in the radio waves or anything. It was me. The problem was with me when I realized it. I stood up staring at the radio, almost forgetting to breathe. I knew those haunting lyrics. I knew not a single thing about this band or this song, but I knew those words with all my heart. It was a song that had once been breathed into my ear in a dark bus stop. Hearing the words, all I could think of was that song. What was going on? They had just said that this was a new release, hadn't they? Wasn't this a song from Chika's world? I stood for a while in stunned silence, thinking for the first time in so very long about the connection between her world and ours.

"You want to meet Narina? What's this about all of a sudden?" as we sat down at the usual isakaya after we endured the usual ribbing from the staff. "What? You two still together?" And shared a toast. I broached the subject with Say. Well, not the whole band, per se. I just want to meet the person who wrote the lyrics to the song Silhouette.

"Oh, well, most of their lyrics are written by their vocalist, a girl named Aki. I'm actually pretty close with her. She's a nice girl, but seriously, how come?"

"It'd be a lie to say I wasn't hesitant to explain, but there was no reason to hide the truth at this point. I explained to her what had happened that afternoon, as well as what I remembered."

"I see. I mean, I could just be remembering wrong. I mean, it's crazy if it is the same song, whether it's a total coincidence or if it does actually mean something. Plus." Oh, wait. She started to say something, then took her planner from her bag on the floor and checked it. "Anyway, that's pretty amazing either way, but actually, Aki is doing a solo performance next weekend. I don't know if she's going to do that song, but do you want to go? I'm sure I can at least get you in to say hello."

"Thanks. I really was thankful." I had expected a smile out of her at this, but instead she stuck out her lip.

"Or will that not work with your schedule?" I asked.

"No, it's just, well, I get it, and I'm an adult, so I know there are a lot of things I have to accept, but I guess I'm just a little jealous," she said, poking at my gut. I felt a little guilty, but I figured that this would give me some hint about Chika and about how I ought to face my own reality from here on out.

The following week, we met up in front of a station in a busy shopping district. I was told that I would be introduced as a colleague, but when I showed up dressed in an inoffensive suit, she withdrew the offer, saying, "No one dresses that sharply at a radio station." I had come here in a suit to keep my back straight and hide how nervous I was, an emotion I hadn't felt in some time. We moved swiftly away from the station, passing through the crowds toward the venue. We crossed a busy intersection and passed by a large movie theater, listening to warnings directed towards solicitors. We arrived at what appeared to be the entrance to some kind of cellar. Say pointing down excitedly and said, "We're here." For the first time ever, I entered a music hall. Thinking of how deeply Sanay liked to immerse herself in music, I couldn't help but remember that bus stop where I met Chica. We descended the stairs. As we arrived at some sort of reception area, I realized that I had not yet received a ticket from Sai. As I started to call after her, she held up a hand to silence me.

"Pardon me," she said to the receptionist. "I'm Suno Shinakawasan invited me."

"Of course. Could I get you to sign in here?"

After a brief exchange, Saiia received two stickers from the woman at reception, one of which she passed to me. I don't think my face conveyed any particular opinion, but Siah entered the main area and headed to the nearby bar counter to grab two beers, giving one to me.

"There are a lot of ways to drop money on music. Cheers." I took the plastic cup and clinkedked mine to hers.

When, as though awaiting our arrival, the room lights lowered. The place wasn't packed, but there were a fair number of attendees. We moved to a spot it would be easier to see from. The crowd broke out in scattered applause and cheers as someone appeared on the stage. I could tell it was a man by his appearance. I'd heard there would be two performers today, so that meant Aki would be the second. The man who looked to be around 20 gave a bright smile to the crowd looking up at him. He had a rather delicate air to him. But when he picked up his guitar and sat down in his chair, the atmosphere in the room shifted. His voice was relaxed but powerful. And the thought crossed my mind that if I had been born with a voice like that, it wouldn't have been wrong for me to think of music as my gale as well. There was applause after each song, and once he had finished eight of them, it seemed his time was done. He gave another brilliant smile, bowed, and disappeared into the back.

As the last smattering of applause faded, the lights came up. I happened to glance at Sai, who stood beside me. She raised both the corners of her mouth at me, then started entering something into her phone. I thought she might ask me my impression, but she [clears throat] was already aware that I was incapable of being moved by others creations, so her not asking me wasn't for my sake so much as out of consideration for the others around us. Any fans of the singer, who was just on probably wouldn't enjoy hearing that. I wondered if one day I would learn to be moved by books and music so that I could share in Sai's joy. Even if that day did come, it might be far off in the future. I might not even see that day before I died. Still, it wouldn't be such a bad thing if there was a future where I could shed tears alongside her in the cards.

About 10 minutes passed as they changed out the equipment on the stage. In the intervals, Sanaya shared some memories of this venue with me. She told me how nervous she was coming to this town for the first time in high school and walking down the road to this place and how moved she was to step across the threshold of a spot that she had heard the name of so many times before. How countless emotions raced through her head the moment the music started and how she ended up crying her eyes out. She came here many times after. And of course, given that it was a place where people gathered, there were some bad memories as well. But even now, she looked forward to these visits. Obviously, it's impossible for me to experience the same burst of emotions that I did the first time, but there are plenty of new things for me to be impressed by now that I know more. So, it's fine, she didn't say. But I got the impression that was what Sia was trying to tell me. It could have just as likely been directed toward me as toward herself. It might have even been directed toward all the people here.

Finally, the staff finished their preparations and cleared the stage and the lights dropped again. I was nervous. Who was this person we were about to see? What connection did the girl who sang that song have to Chica's world? In direct contrast with the wild racing of my heart, the girl called Aki moved languidly onto the stage. In the dim light, I saw her hazy form sit down in the chair, guitar in hand. There was a single round of applause, and as she moved closer to the mic, the lights on stage slowly raised.

"Good evening. I'm Aki from her ner." Her expression was much more sullen than I had seen it in the photos on the band's homepage. After greeting the audience in a tone that could be called neither genial nor amable, she immediately launched into her first song. As with the last performer, the moment she started to sing, her entire aura changed. You could scarcely have imagined it from her narrowed, sleepy eyes or her sullen expression, but the voice that flowed from her lips made the whole room vibrate. I had heard her on the radio before, but I was stunned at the difference when hearing her in the flesh. After finishing two songs, she took a drink of the water that sat beside her, returned her guitar, and brought the microphone to her mouth.

"Next up is a cover of a favorite of mine, 15," she said briefly, then again began singing in a voice that it seemed she was pouring every fiber of her being into. I listened closely to the words, thinking about myself at 15 years old, perhaps say was doing the same. Many of the people present here today were probably in the same boat. I wondered how many people lament having grown into the sort of adult they never thought they would be when they were younger. I wondered what you were supposed to do once you were done crying over it. The end of the song brought more applause to which Aki casually said, "Next is a new song. It's called Silhouette."

I noticed Say straighten up beside me. I held my breath, ignorant of whatever was going on with us, Aki started into the song she had written. It was the first time I had heard an acoustic arrangement of it. Hearing it with just guitar really highlighted the unique qualities of her voice. Sadly, I couldn't clearly recall Chica's singing voice. If this song was the same one that she had sung, how would she have sung it? Still, as I listened to the words, I was filled with something like conviction that I did, in fact, know the lyrics. I felt them tracing the scars left on my heart. After Silhouette, Aki sang three more songs, stepped off the stage, and then returned again amidst cheers and undying applause. The man who had performed first appeared with her, and the two did a song together before the concert finally came to an end with the distinct air of a curtain falling closed.

Say and I looked at each other. We waited for most of the other attendees to clear out before heading to the green room to say hello.

"So, you know that song 15, right?"

"Yeah. I think she said it was a cover."

"Hm. I met Aki when a colleague of mine told me that there was a girl doing a cover of a song that features the vocalist of my favorite band. I wonder if this means something," she muttered and then looked at her phone. It appeared she had gotten some message from one of Aki's staff and we moved locations. I followed behind her, smiling and bowing my head as she called out to a male staff member exchanging a cheerful greeting. We stepped through a door that would typically be off limits for anyone but staff. It was surprisingly cramped back there, and among a crowd of several older people performing various tasks, we found Aki holding a bag of ice to her throat and staring at her phone. Say slipped past, greeting the various staff members. When Aki looked up, her holy, sullen expression from on stage suddenly burst.

"Oh, Sunnosan, long time no see. Looked pretty cool up there, didn't I?"

"Yeah, you were super cool. I'm glad. I liked that arrangement of silhouette. It's a good song."

"Yeah." In her smile, there was a measure of youth that had been present on her face on stage. I'd heard that she was currently 21. I wondered how I should brooach the main topic. I stood idly at attention behind her until there was a gap in the conversation and she swiveled back to me, pushing me toward Aki. "Sorry for the surprise intrusion. This is a colleague of mine. He heard silhouette and immediately fell in love with your work. I figured it'd be nice to at least give him a chance to say hi if that's all right with you. Lovely to meet you. I'm Suzuki Kaya. Your performance was wonderful." Somehow, I managed to hide my nerves in front of her and give her my prepared greeting with the

appropriate air of excitement. I couldn't say that I wasn't thankful for how long I had spent living with my true feelings kept under wraps.

Aki gave another sunny smile. "Oh, thanks so much. Pleased to meet you. I'm the vocalist of the band, Her Narin. You can call me Aki."

I fought back my nerves as I received her cheerful greeting. What could I say to confront her? What could I ask to learn about the connection between the song that Chika sang and this Aki? I had considered a million different ways to go about this up until now. I wanted to ask what had inspired her to write the song. It wouldn't be an unnatural question since she had already heard that I liked it. I wanted to know about Aki herself as well, but it'd be weird to ask her that out of the blue. I knew from her official profile that she had started the band with some friends from her hometown. I suppose the conversation could expand from there. I wondered if she knew anything about Chika or about Chika's world.

"Aki? Aki?" When I tried to convey all my muddled thoughts to her, all that came out of my dry mouth was "Aki."

"Is that a like autumn the season?" I couldn't believe what I was hearing from my own mouth. What the hell was I saying? My nerves and a multitude of intertwined thoughts had made me ask something utterly meaningless. The time I had here was probably limited. As I sat there suffering, though I didn't let it show on my face, Aki looked briefly surprised. But then she gave a warm smile and said, "Not quite," drawing something in the air. "It's written a key with a like the first character in Yasui and key like the gay in g."

She explained, "Oh, is that your surname?" I needed to change the subject and fast. I didn't feel good about this line of questioning. I would get nothing meaningful here.

"It is?"

"Yeah. I don't like being called by my first name, so I started using my last name. This is my first name." Again, her finger danced through the air, a habit of hers, perhaps. Her finger drew one straight line, then two identical sets of five strokes, followed by a set of four. I couldn't read what she was trying to write.

"One song she offered the name of a person who was practically born to sing. That is Icha." At first I thought I had misheard her. "Aki Ichika." I remember chanting that sound over and over in my mind more times than I could count. I probably forgot to even arrange my face.

"Kind of a showy name, huh?"

"It's so embarrassing." Aki Icha laughed amiably. I looked briefly at Sai, who knew exactly what was going on. She gave me a small nod as though she was holding something back, then swiftly broke into a smile.

"Should you really be giving your real name out to folks you've just met? Someone might abuse that. I mean, what's a colleague of yours going to do, Sunnan?" The two women joked and laughed together like kindred spirits. I watched them and listened to them. Or I should have been listening. Without realizing it, my consciousness had drifted somewhere else. My heart plunged into that old familiar darkness. Then I noticed there seemed to be two glowing eyes there. There seemed to be 20 glowing nails there. No, they were there. I heard a voice. It wasn't just some crumbling memory. It was like she was really there. No, she was there.

"My voice and appearance would be different in a way I might not even recognize at first. I'd had no idea what she meant back then. There are things deeper down, immovable things that we can't choose. I see if I had been born into your world." Chai had vanished. The bus stop was gone. The war was over. I'd thought that there was nothing left. I still would have met you. I understood now. We knew how to meet each other."

"How do you write kaya?" Aki's voice drew me back and my heart returned to my current location in the concert venue. I swiftly started to adjust my face when I realized it wasn't necessary. I was already wearing a genuine smile.

"Ca as in ki ya like the ya of yayoi."

"Oh, how stylish." I wondered what I was supposed to do here. How should I interpret the existence of the girl Aki who stood before me? And what was I supposed to tell her? A number of thoughts ran through my head. Given that this world and Chikaus were connected and that we never did determine what influence they had on each other, it was neither absurd nor impossible to think there could be an equivalent to Chika in my world. Given that, I probably should have conveyed all this to her somehow. Maybe there was something I could do for her. I thought about it, but the answer I came up with was so simple there could not have been any other.

Our conversation proceeded smoothly with Aki imploring us to come to her band's next show. I told her sincerely that I was looking forward to it. When we parted ways, the two women shared a friendly handshake and Aki bowed politely to me. In the end, there was only one thing that I wanted to do: to say to her, "I pray that we can both be happy." Aki looked at me curiously, as she'd probably rarely heard something so emotional from a person she had just met and returned a joking, "Sure, thanks, bud," with another quick bow.

After sharing a few more quick greetings with the staff around us, we returned to the main floor. We left the now mostly empty venue and climbed the stairs. Once we got to the top, I looked at Sai. I saw several emotions float across her face in turn. Then her lips parted. "Are you all right?" she asked kindly, and I in turn replied, "Thank you." Though there were probably a million things she wanted to say, she held them back and smiled. I looked up at the sky. The final thought that ran through my mind was, "I wonder if Chica ever met me over there."

As per usual, at the end of February, I celebrated my birthday. I had no particular feelings about getting older, but this year's birthday was going to be a little bit different from the previous.

">> Yo." I looked over at the source of the distant voice to see my brother waving at me from near a station wagon. Sai and I approached from where we'd been standing alone in front of the local train station, cringing at my brother's enthusiasm.

">> Sorry to keep you. Pleased to meet you. I'm Ka's big brother." He offered me a half-baked apology and greeted Saiia with a smile. Sai, a well-rounded member of society, put her bag on her shoulder and clasped her hands together in front of her, bowing deeply. "Pleased to meet you. I'm Sunay. Thank you for coming out here to meet us."

"Not a problem at all," said my flirt of a brother, escorting her to the back seat. As his younger brother, I was horribly embarrassed, but I climbed obediently into the car as well.

As it happened, the actual day of my birthday fell on the weekend, and it was also one of Say's days off. So, we decided to drop in at my family's home for a visit. The purpose of our visit was to introduce Sia to my family and to pay my respects at my mother's altar since the anniversary of her passing was the week before. I told Sai that she really didn't have to come, but it was of her own valition that this day had become our shared reality. The two of us had work first thing tomorrow, so we weren't staying the night, just having lunch with the family. All I really needed to do was put on a vague smile and survive this encounter. But all day, she had been ribbing me.

"None of your business smiles, Ka. When I see that face, it makes me feel like you're about to call me Silito again." There was really no arguing with her. My brother chatted with Saiia for the whole car ride. Sai indulged him in her cheerful Saiike way. "We were classmates in high school. I work at a radio station. I can't believe how easy you are to talk to. Not like this guy." I had no idea what face to make that wasn't a forced smile. So, I just watched the scenery rolling by.

When we arrived at the house, my father, who had been waiting goodness knows how long, was out front holding a cat he had recently adopted. Saiia received a warm welcome from my smiling father and was led down the path to the front door like some kind of princess. We took off our shoes, washed our hands, and moved to the living room where I was taken aback to find my maternal grandparents waiting. My father's parents had already passed, so they of course weren't here. Say greeted both my grandparents, then asked if it would be all right for her to pay her respects at the altar as well. Naturally, she wasn't refused, and the two of us went to the altar together. I felt no particular sadness about my mother's passing, but thinking about it, I wondered what sort of different conversations I would have with my mother now if she were still alive.

On the low table in the living room was more food than six people could feasibly eat. There was sushi that was probably takeout and a large platter piled with vegetable nimono and karag that my grandmother had probably made. The minute that say and I took our seat on one of the sofas that surrounded the table, my father started fidgeting with something.

"Sayasan, do you drink like a fish?" At her enthusiastic reply, my father happily produced a bottle of liquor from somewhere. Though I rolled my eyes at this, wondering if he had mistaken this for a marriage announcement, I partook as well. The lunchon proceeded without a hitch. At least both Sayia and my family seemed to be having fun. The conversation jumped back and forth as we talked about our work, life in the city, my mother, and what Sia thought of me.

"He's as cute as a baby." My family grinned in delight at this evaluation, which felt half like an insult to me.

"Please look after our boy," my father said, bowing his head. "I really should have just let the whole conversation slide past my ears. But there was one thing I couldn't ignore. Heartfelt words from my father that sounded as though they referred to both Sai and perhaps my mother. You've got to cherish a good woman like that, Ka."

"Yeah, I do." I swallowed the food that was in my mouth and then gave a proper reply. "I hope that I can spend my time doing something for Sai, no matter how little." My father, brother, and Sai all appeared shocked.

Once the meal was over, we enjoyed some coffee with teacakes that my brother had brought. As it turned to evening, we informed them that we were going to stop in at Sia's house, and the day's meeting ended. I received some simple souvenirs, was made to promise that I would bring Sai back again, and together the two of us left the Suzuki household.

There was a fair distance between my family's home and hers, but we decided to walk. Sai politely declined my brother's offer to drive us there, saying it would be nice to walk around our old streets while we were here. Sai's home was in the so-called former foothills. The place was completely built up now, leaving no traces of the old days, no matter where we looked.

"Is this where you used to go running?" she asked as we walked side by side.

"Yeah, there were some nice slopes."

"Was the bus stop out this way, too?"

"Yeah, it was." With only that, the two of us walked in silence.

After a little while, we came to a group of condos that had not been there in the past. Passing by a group of frolicking children who probably lived there, we stepped into the empty street to avoid a woman coming toward us, pushing a stroller down the narrow sidewalk. As we passed her by, I happened to glance at her face and froze. But I didn't call out, nor did I even let my face show that I had noticed anything. Deep down, ever since that day, I thought of her by her real name. I prayed in the bottom of my mind that this girl who in some ways resembled me was doing well. I practically heard a god you're gloomy from somewhere.

"Hey, Kayakun," Sai said to me as we passed through the complex. "Yeah, what was that about? What you said earlier?" I looked at her as we walked and saw her looking back at me.

"Don't go thinking you're going to live for me just because you've got nothing left. I don't want that." Say kept walking. I kept in pace with her as I had been. "I can't hope to understand everything about you and I can't affirm every part of you. All I can do is walk beside you." She stopped, the corners of her mouth raised. I halted as well, looking her firmly in the eye. "I want us to live just looking at one another like this. Sometimes holding hands, occasionally even sharing the same thoughts, and then someday we'll die. I realize now that that's not so bad," she said, and she started walking again. I followed behind her, then moved up to her side.

So many thoughts ran through my head as I thought about what she said. Perhaps there was a version of me who wasn't ashamed of the things he treasured. Somewhere down the road, she described. "This is where the rest of our life starts after all."

"I sure hope so." I nodded. She poked me inside, and I turned my head to look at her, simply glad to see that she didn't seem sad. As long as I could be happy about that, I prayed everything would be all right. I finally realized that I wasn't yet ready to give a name to those days ahead.

This is [music] Kurt Knazawa. This production of I will forget this feeling someday presented [music] by 7C's siren was directed by Katie Vaughn and recorded at Out Loud Audio in Los Angeles. This program was [music] produced by Custom Shop, a division of John Marshall Media. Executive producers Jason D'Angelus, Adam Arnold, and Robin Lieon [music] by Sumino. Copyright Yodor Sumo 2020. Cover illustration by Lone Draw. Copyright Lone Draw Flat Studio. All rights reserved. Original Japanese edition published in 2020 by Shim Chosha Publishing Co. Limited. English translation [music] rights arranged with Shim Chosa Publishing Co. Limited through Tuttle Modi Agency, Inc. Tokyo. English translation copyright [music] 2022 by 7C's Entertainment LLC USA. Thank you for listening.