Transcription
I recall a friend and a former seminary student who once told me that he hated the very idea of boundaries, and his words about boundaries were nothing more than psychobabble. Later, this individual attended a conference at which I spoke about boundaries. I began the session by looking at the creation narrative. At the end of the seminar, he told me he had changed his mind. He finally realized that the creation narrative had much to say about boundaries; it wasn't simply psychobabble. In fact, the whole creation narrative is filled with boundary-related language. This includes the language of separation and gathering. By separating the light from darkness, the Earth from the sky, and gathering similar things together, God differentiated his creation and brought an ordered world out of an undefined, undifferentiated chaos.
The language of creating things after their own kind is also boundary language. It's the reason we don't have winged lions, except in mythology. Everything in God's created world is clearly differentiated and bound. Even the tree of the knowledge of good and evil represents a boundary; it stands as a limit that clearly reminds us of our finitude. Walter Brueggemann recognized God's emphasis on boundaries and went so far as to say that God relates to his creation through closeness and distance. Closeness and distance resurrect the biblical language of separation and gathering. This means that God cares about his creation and graciously attends to it, but God is also distant in the sense that he gives humans the freedom to be and to choose. God created humans as boundary creatures who are meant to relate to each other but not to confuse themselves with others. When we live as though we have, or should not have, any boundaries, we often create chaos in our lives and experience unnecessary suffering.
Long ago, Il Maskull attributed a good deal of human suffering and frustration to our efforts to cast off the boundaries and limitations that God placed on us. By now, you likely have an inkling about the nature of boundaries. Boundaries mean acknowledging limitations; it's like having a fence that regulates space between ourselves and our neighbors. No wonder Robert Frost said, "Good fences make good neighbors." I recall one funny illustration of this idea in Dennis the Menace. Behind his fence, Mr. Wilson was barbecuing hamburgers. Attracted by the delicious smell, Dennis and Joey scaled the fence, and of course, the loving Mr. Wilson evidently invited them to stay for hamburgers. In the last frame, Mr. Wilson inwardly lamented, "Fences just don't seem to mean anything anymore."
The boundaries are like fences; they serve to regulate space and allow individuals to decide when to invite someone else into their world and to know when we have had enough. Boundaries are invisible fences or barriers that serve to define what is "me" and what is "not me." In other words, boundaries differentiate the self from the other, and such differentiation is absolutely necessary for one to have a clear sense of their personal identity. Having a clear sense of one's identity does not diminish the ability to relate to others; in fact, it promotes the possibility of relating healthily without the underlying fear of losing one's self in the other. And boundaries also serve to promote a sense of personal ownership and responsibility.
Such ability to differentiate oneself from others is absolutely essential for those who work closely with others. Ministers need to be able to distinguish themselves from those they serve and not confuse the others' issues with their own. And when they fail in this area, they often lose perspective and objectivity; they often assume too much responsibility for others and thereby rob the other of their God-given responsibility for themselves. In short, by failing to distinguish themselves from those they serve, ministers often overfunction for others.
I think it's a little bit easy to recognize the person who is functioning without appropriate boundaries. It's usually the people-pleaser who sets no limit on energy, or time, or relationships. Such persons never met a need they did not feel obligated to meet, and they always say yes and almost never say no. They are always available and figuratively announce to the world, "Call me anytime; I am available 24/7." This stance assumes a god-like role. Persons like this seem to believe that servant-hood in the name of God makes them some kind of demigod; for who else but God could be available 24/7 and still function well? Given this stance, the person working without boundaries typically overcommits while underestimating the amount of time their commitments will take.
So how does one develop healthy boundaries? I think that the first step is theological in nature. We need to recognize that God created us for boundaries—living within boundaries. I say this because ministers bent on serving others are likely to think that God wants them to function without boundaries. Nothing could be further from the truth. We can readily see the divine intent just by paying attention to our bodies; for example, God made us with skin, and skin is a boundary that God gave to keep the good in and the bad out.
Second, I think that people need to recognize their limits. I like the famous line from Clint Eastwood's Harry Callahan character in Magnum Force: Callahan deadpanned, "A man's got to know his limitations." Callahan was right; men and women have to know their limitations. When one recognizes one's limits, one is better able to develop the habit of serving sensibly in whatever ministry to which God calls us. Individuals also need to create space in their lives to rediscover and rebuild a sense of personal identity that goes beyond an identity based solely on work. Unfortunately, through overwork, individuals often become strangers to themselves and thereby lose touch with themselves and their identity. Basically, rebuilding personal identity means taking time and space to address the very needs which replenish us. It means making space for important relationships and developing a life outside of work, by taking time for healing activities and meaningful hobbies.
One also needs to develop assertiveness. Assertiveness basically means that one knows one's opinions and needs and is able to express them when deemed necessary. Assertive people know when to say yes and when to say no; and incidentally, "no" is the basic boundary-making word. Developing boundaries also means separating one's worlds; for example, one needs to be role-distinguishable, distinguishing who they are from what they do. One also needs to separate their home from their work. When we fail to do these things, we often allow our work to make boundary raids into our personal and family life. We also tend to allow work to eat up our time and energy that should be devoted to ourselves and our families. Good fences do make good neighbors, but they also make for healthy ministers who can serve in healthy ways.