Transcription
[Music] [Music] La, I'm sitting there saying, "I read this headline. It says, 'Uh, elephant gets drunk, runs amok, slays five.' I thought to myself, 'My God, that sounds like about 10 guys I know.'" They had the chance. Come on, bring it up. Bring it up. Let them hear it. There ain't no way to escape.
By the way, tonight's show will be particularly aesthetically satisfying for those, uh, students of contemporary existence, such as it is. Keep the straight face, though. You're not allowed to laugh. No! Oh, no, no, no. Absolutely, you are not allowed to laugh at life. This is a very serious proposition. No way.
In fact, uh, I received a letter, uh, written by one of those nice ladies that use green ink on light blue stationery. And that's one of Shepherd's great rules, by the way. People who use green ink on blue stationery, or who use blue ink on green stationery, or lavender ink on purple stationery, or purple stationery on pink ink, etcetera, uh, those are people one must be careful about. They, they'll write angry letters to the editor, and they tend to wear space shoes and have cats. I mean, they, they often are vegetarians, too. And, oh, yes, the worst type.
And, uh, I know one old lady, by the way, that still wears her Barry Goldwater button absolutely proudly. And, uh, nevertheless, I got this nice letter. And she said, "Dear Mr. Shepherd, I, I don't like to offend you. However, I found some of your remarks the other night so amusing that I actually, uh, well, I actually laughed out loud, which is something I don't often do." And I said to my husband, Charles, "This young man doesn't realize." I said, "You know, what do you mean I don't realize? I'm probably the only..." Can you imagine writing a letter to Buddy Hackett apologizing to him that you laughed? But, uh, nevertheless, uh, I don't, this is not, not a thing to be laughed at tonight. Not, not at all. Uh, this is an aesthetic evening. And since, yes, absolutely straight, uh, one of the things about our country that must be pointed out: we come from an entire race, no matter what your religion is, you come out of the American soil, which is the soil that has spawned the great evangelists of all the world. I'm not talking about specific evan-, I'm talking about evangelism as a concept. And evangelists just don't laugh. No. You have a sacred mission.
And as a, as a comic, I can tell you this, friends: if you get up before a bunch of used car dealers and you do a satire about used car dealers, you are met with a deafening silence. If, on the other hand, you do, before a, a convention of used car dealers, a scathing satire of dentists, they'll roll in the aisles. Why? Because they feel that bringing the used car to America is a sacred trust. It's not funny. If you do a satire of used car dealers in front of dentists, you're going to get a hell of a big whoopy laugh. But you do things on the, on the orthodontist, I have known, and, uh, no way, no no humor, because this is a sacred trust. Every man today believes that he is has got a sacred charge. I mean, insurance men believe that they are bringing security. They are bringing everlasting life to people. And you don't laugh at somebody bringing everlasting life, do you? By no, absolutely not. It's only the other guy that's St-, this cockamamie ridiculous scheme. George, it's only the politicians that are knaves and fools and our society, not insurance men, no way.
And so, would you please, if you will, a little, uh, elegant aesthetic music to set the tone of tonight's performance, please? I get up there, baby.
[Music]
All right, that's enough. That's enough. Hold it there, Barney. That's it. That's a nifty new car. How much? Oh, super. Including tinted glass? Oh, disc brakes, uh, whitewalls, reclining buckets. How about an electric clock? Don't let a lowball sticker price fool you. The true cost of a new car is the price the way you want it, not strict. The Datsun 710 comes with all those extra standards things other cars charge extra for, plus full carpeting, electric rear window defogger, full wheel covers, and lots more. And don't forget Datsun's great gas mileage, low maintenance, and high resale value. Take a test drive in a Datsun 710 two-door sedan, four-door sedan, hardtop, or the new five-door wagon. Soon, when you compare costs, true costs, you'll see that Datsun really does save. Yeah. Go ahead and see your local New York, New Jersey, or Fairfield County Datsun dealer. That's your Datsun dealer. Ah, nice. Well, all right then. Let's, let's get out with the serious part of the show, uh, which, of course, uh, we all know are the commercials. However, sometimes it seems that way.
Well, you notice how, how quickly, how, how quickly, uh, Dick Cavett's face changes when he, when he goes to the commercial. Oh, his face gets very, very, yes, very official. And no matter what's going on before that, you notice. See, Johnny Carson in the middle of the went when they switched to Ed McMahon in the Alp, he changes. Oh, this is, this is a serious point in time. To quote any one of 17 different defendants, uh, but nevertheless, I must say, I must say that all of us have been victims of time from time to time of the most trivial incidents that have set the tone of our whole life.
Well, I got a letter from a guy. Says, "Shepherd, what's the worst gift you ever got in your life?" He said, "I ask you this," he said, "because I'm planning to give a friend of mine a gift and I want to lay a bad one on him." You know, I hate to be an arbiter of evil in a sense. I, I really do. But I, I do recall. It depends on whether you call a gift bad just because it's rotten, or a gift that has ultimate evil meaning. That's different. I mean, that's different, see? If you, if you give, say, for example, a guy a folding canoe, and he loves the folding canoe, and when that he's out there rowing across, uh, Walden Pond after a thorough period of meditation, and the damn thing folds up on him out there in the lily pads, it then becomes an evil gift, correct? Deo. I, I, you know, I just point out to you that that what seems to be, uh, benevolent can often turn into something unbelievably the opposite, right?
In fact, all evil approaches you on, on the subtle cat's feet of benevolence. True evil, as opposed to trouble, which just happens. I mean, trouble is not the same as evil. I mean, let's face it, the evil is a long-term process. Trouble is something you can call the insurance man about, right? Okay. You know, do you notice one insurance company now, uh, has behind their insurance ads on television, they have the sound of, uh, of the cavalry coming in over the hills? You know, you hear the bugle blowing, and you can just see those guys coming down to save the poor little band of of pioneers, beleaguered behind their wagons. And that's what you get when you pay your insurance. Of course, you get those good hands that cradle you like that.
And we're on the subject here of good hands. I, I'd like to put you into the good hands of the chefs at the Blue Ribbon. How do you like that? If you're looking for a really good... Wasn't that smooth? I'll tell you. And I don't even have an Ed McMahon to sit here and laugh inanely at my inanities. But, uh, I, um, I do would like to recommend the good, good folk, uh, at the Blue Ribbon. For those of you who don't know the restaurant, it's a superb German-type restaurant, and some of the best German food in the town. And by the way, if you think of German food as heavy, I would suggest, uh, you'll completely, uh, renovate your ideas and change do a 180, as we say in flying, when you visit Blue Ribbon, because they have the best of German food. If you haven't had an elegant Wiener Schnitzel lately, friends, I would like to recommend the Blue Ribbon. And this is the time of the year for it. You know, a Wiener Schnitzel. You know what Wiener Schnitzel is? Wiener, of course, refers to Vienna. It's schnitzel prepared, performed in the Viennese fashion. There are several schnitzel. Well, trail of gun. Uh, if you would like to say, for example, have a sour kraut that will bring tears to your eyes, I would like to recommend the Blue Ribbon. It's at 145 West 44th Street, and right here in the Theater District. If you're coming to a show or something, it's right, right in the middle of the Theater District. You just walk to the nearest theater, that's all. It's on 44th Street, right off of Times Square. 145 West 44th. And they're open Monday through Saturday until midnight. And they have a great lunch, they have a great dinner before the theater, and they have a nice, elegant snack menu for after the theater, including elegant apple pancakes done in the German fashion with a little cinnamon. You know, they're really nice. So, this is the Blue Ribbon. By the way, among other things, they have a tremendous selection of imported draft beers, including one of my favorite draft beers. By the way, is not an imported beer, but a very good imported American beer, is Prior's Light on draft. Have you ever had it? They have both light and dark on draft. So, I would like to suggest the Blue Ribbon, 145 West 44th Street, Monday through Saturday, 11:30 until midnight. They're not open Sunday. And I would suggest you call for a reservation. It's just 248-98. Right before the big iron gate closes behind you, you're left standing out there in the rain eating a Nathan's hot dog again. I mean, you know, not that I got anything against a Nathan's hot dog, but when you got your mind set on Wiener Schnitzel, ain't no way a Nathan's hot dog's gonna do it. Do you agree? No way. Please.
And them again, they're still quite... There's no trick to selling cheap clothing at cheap prices. There are plenty of schlock stores in New York. But it's awfully tough today to give you good quality clothes at prices that still make sense. I'm sorry, but I speak as a pro. There's no such thing anymore as good clothing at low prices. You've got to give up something if you want to stretch your buck. Gray Park suggests you give up the fancy storefronts and nonsense that goes with the old way of buying clothes. If you're in the market for a new suit, a coat, or slacks, and you want to get the best quality you can for the dollars you spend, go to Gray Park Clothes in the factory building at 61 West 23rd Street. Go upstairs through the big iron gate. You'll see a lot of clothing with today's look, clothing made for a man who likes good things. Gray Park is open to 7:00 on Saturday, to 6:00, and on Sunday from 10:00 to 5:00. The address is 61 West 23rd Street, New York.
Oh, what isn't that touching? Now, this is... Come over here. I'd like to give you a touch. This is W, New York. And for those of you who collect truly, truly awesome commercials, I mean commercials that rise like a giant, stately galleon out of the sea of ordinary mere and muck of commercial scrabbling, those of you to collect those that come on in a cosmic style, listen to this one. Turn your tape recording. You got to put this in your collection. Oh, listen to that.
[Music]
MGM presents the most honored motion picture of all time. That ain't a movie, that's an event. With the wind. The monumental drama and great love as history marches across the scene. The am-, millions die and the flames of Atlanta light up the darkening sky. Vivien Leigh, Leslie Howard, and Olivia De... Well-known American Southern motion picture ever made. SNIK production of Margaret Mitchell's immortal classic. Immortal. Wow. That's a long time. You're talking about. Gone with the Wind. With morality. Gone with the Wind. Oh, wow. Wasn't that fantastic? Wow. Now, there's a commercial. Now at Red Carpet Theaters everywhere. Check newspaper listings for a theater near you. My God. I mean, you just can't stand in the way of an avalanche, can you? Even as a kid, when I first saw Gone with the Wind, I wondered how the heck Leslie Howard got by trying to pretend to be a decadent Southern planter. They, you know, they all speak with that elegant, Oxonian English. Of course. Just, just consult William Faulkner. He'll tell you anytime. The, I'm, I'm a Snopes fan. I like old Flem Snopes. You remember Flem Snopes? Isn't that a great name? Flem Snopes. You never heard of Flem Snopes? Yeah. Well, that, that Flem Snopes. Yeah. Well, he's out of Faulkner. See, he's like the character in the novel that I'm working on. Guy named Toad Horny. Great name. Old Western civilization type, you know, bringing it out there to the poor, benighted people of Utah. Old Toad and his family, the Horny boys. Great crowd.
Would you please hit another one? Today, we're in the health and diet section of the Barnes & Noble bookstore, where you'll find books for your body, books for your mind, and books to help get your whole self together. Honey, here's that book I was telling you about on how to stop smoking. You know, maybe if we both read it, we can stop. It says here they stick needles all over your body to make you feel better. What is it you want to do? Tone up your body, improve your health, increase your self-awareness. Whatever it is, you'll probably find the book you're looking for at Barnes & Noble. We've got books that can teach you the art of sensual massage, how to live with an ulcer, how to take care of your feet, how to think yourself thin, how to exercise, and how to relax. You'll find all this and more at the Barnes & Noble bookstore, Fifth Avenue and 18th Street in Manhattan. The country's biggest bookstore of any kind, and probably the most interesting. I believe you have a book on how to relieve stress and tension. I must have that book. Barnes & Noble. And you thought we only sold textbooks? Only in America do people believe they can get the book to solve every problem in the world. I'm going crazy. How can I get a book on being sane? No way, friend. No way, friend. Those that are born a cuckoo bird will remain a cuckoo bird forever, forever, forever.
Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow. What you reminds me. Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow, you're going to hear General [Music] Spots sing. A friend sing it. I say, sing it out. It's number 117. Someday you'll own. You follow the bouncing ball. Sooner or later, you own the generals. And here is the text of today's little sermon. If you need a long mileage tire, buddy, get General's 40,000-mile dual steel radial. Built with a smooth-riding radial ply body. Fly right. Two strong steel belts for puncture protection. See what radial tire performance can do for your life, your car. Mount buy steel radial tires at your local General Tire headquarters. Ask for Joe Carta at General Tire Service, Jericho Turnpike in lovely Smithtown. And sing proudly. Later, you long generals. Yeah, yeah. Sooner or later, you [Music] General. Oh, you're not ready. Oh, always ready. I knew you'd get it up there. Listen to this guy. Can't you see this in the second act of a Mame? Carol Channing on a big, big velvet swing. We've marked prices this way. Yes, red for low, every day. Robert out there dancing. When you hear this line, our Grand Union buys are marked. Green, weekly specials. We mean, how come the weekly special dancers come out right? Grand Union. Oh, oh, yes. Some Grand Union buys at Grand Union this week. USDA Choice corn-fed boneless beef roast, $1.18 a pound. Grand Union half-gallon fresh orange juice, 99 cents. Golden ripe bananas, 15 cents a pound. Win the Golden Banana at Grand Union. Oh, wow. Oh, oh, yes, yes. Let's get, let's get back to life. What do you say we get back to life? Uh, somebody, you know, wrote to me. I ought to squeeze in a little show once in a while on our part, don't you think so? I've been asking the sales department permission, and, uh, it's not been easy, really hasn't been easy. They, they, they're trucking. But I just thought of a fantastic pun on the word "truculent," and I better not use it. No, no, no.
But, uh, nevertheless, uh, I must say that the, that the letter this writer wrote to me did touch a chord. I, I do recall there was a gift once that proved to be my undoing. Mhm. Uh, you've often wondered why, uh, some guys go on to become Johnny Carson, bright, clean, fresh face, living in Hollywood off the fat of the land, and eternally talking to Victor Borge, the blessed, the Richard Corys of our world, right? You wondered about this. And how it is you turned into Menachem Begin? You don't know who he is? Well, that's because you're illiterate. However, that's right. That is why that's why you don't know. But nevertheless, Menachem Begin, who ruined the day he was born and shook his fist at the heavens. And this is, this is the common lot of man. And, uh, I, you know, I'm a kid at this point. This is a kid story. I'll have to. And it has nothing to do with nostalgia. It is a story that deals with good and evil, as most stories should deal with, because they are the two things that face us constantly in our daily life, right? Some opt for evil, some opt for good, some opt for the great gray area where there is no good, there is no evil. That's right. There's only danger.
Well, all right, say I'm a kid, you know, and, uh, I had this uncle. Now, everybody has an uncle that gives you gifts, you know, comes over, he's always, he always lays a goodie on you. And the only reason you want to see Old Uncle Tom or Uncle Fred is because he's got this thing. So he always gives you, right? And usually he gave me very innocent things, you know. My, I had, actually, his name was Uncle Tom, and he only came around quite rarely, very rarely. He would show up, oh, maybe every three or four, five months at the, at the, the outside. There's always in every family an outsider that just doesn't hang around the game. Uh, of course, you know, the usual family, every Sunday, you know, they all get together like a beehive and keep yelling about the same old problems they've yelled about for 100 years, and the moiling mess and moil and toil and trouble of family life. But the Uncle Tom and Aunt Glenn, they were not part. Rarely heard me mention these two because they, they operated outside the family orbit. No one knew why. But I, now at this point, know. Had I known my family and that whole crowd, that whole bunch that I was a part of at a certain age, I too would have operated out of. I stayed under the porch most of the time.
Well, Uncle Tom only showed up occasionally. When he did, he came bearing gifts, probably because he felt the, uh, conscience, because he hadn't shown up at the last 17 family Sundays, you know, that kind of thing. So, nevertheless, on this particular occasion, uh, Old Uncle Tom showed up, and he had this, had his usual gift. Well, he gave my kid brother a rubber dagger. You've seen rubber daggers, right? Well, right away, I mean, that, that bugged me because I had always had a desire to own a rubber dagger. You know, these, they're great, they're great-looking daggers. It's a rubber one, has a big black rubber handle, has a silver blade painted. So a great-looking dagger. And my package was very heavy, but small. It was a heavy package. He says, "And here's for you because you're older." I says, "Oh, okay." I figured, you know, anytime they start giving you gifts when they say you're older, that means you get a rotten, dull gift, like a tie, right? I mean, you know, you know you've crossed into a, a land that you'll never come back from when people start giving you socks and stuff for Christmas, socks and ties. That's, that's the Never Never Land of Daddy's Ville. So anyway, he, yeah, he says, "You're older." I, "Oh, yeah, well, okay, thanks." So I, I opened this thing up, figuring it was going to be something really dull, you know, like, who knows, a set of matched shoehorns. Great stuff, like that.
Well, I couldn't figure out at first what it was. It looked like, no, it looked like a block of metal with a clip on it. Some kind of a big, heavy brass spring clip that held two halves of this block together. And it had sticking out of the end of it two wooden handles on each piece, each half of this block. In other words, it was a block of metal split down the middle that was held together with a clip, and each half of the metal had a wooden handle. And I looked up and I say, "You know, what's this?" And instantly, my kid brother, you know, he had that look of total victory. So he'd want a, he'd want a rubber dagger, and I got this doorstop. And so, you know, I looked at the rubber dagger. I mean, how many of you still feel bugged by the fact that other people always get better gifts than you do? I mean, there's no question about it. That there is a group of people who get great gifts, then there's the rest of us. You, the rest of us. H. For example, I have had people give me, for some curious reason, one of the most unusable things that I've ever owned. I, I've never used one of them. Have you ever used a money clip? You know that? I have four unused money clips. I mean, I'm, I'm thinking of, you know, beating them into sinkers so I can use them when I go fishing or something like that, you know. Uh, you know, I never, I don't know anybody that uses a money clip, but they keep making them. I guess they make them for gifts, they don't make them to be used, you know.
But, uh, nevertheless, uh, I had this block, see. So I said, I said to my uncle, "Uncle, Uncle Tom," I said, "What, what, what is this?" He says, "Well, why don't you look in the box and read the instructions?" He didn't say it like that, you know. He said it like an uncle, you know, "Look in the box, read the instructions." Why is it all these fools that I always have to deal with never read the instructions? Well, at that point, I pulled this little piece of paper out of the box. It came in a box. The box had nothing on it, just said that, you know, there was. And in the instructions, it said, "Remove the clip." This is stage one. "Remove the clip. You will notice then that the mold is in two halves." It was a mold. Well, you know, this was the first mold I ever owned, in fact, the last one. And it says, "At that point, when you remove this clip, you are then ready to begin molding your own set of lead soldiers." It was a mold to make lead soldiers with. Have you ever had one? Well, I did. And I'll tell you, it's, it's fantastic. I mean, you just take this, this mold, and two sides come out, see. And, and it has a little hole on the top, little hole like a little funnel, see. And, and, and in fact, had three little holes on the top. And when I, when I pulled it apart, there were three like hollowed-out soldiers in there. They were hollow, you see. You know, how old is one soldier was standing there? Was like a, like a revolutionary soldier, you see. And he was standing there and he was holding a musket. And the next soldier, which was in the middle, looked like the kind of soldier that you always see in movies starring Marlon Brando when he's pretending to be Napoleon, you know, with a horse, he's sitting on a horse there with a cape and all that stuff. And the, and the third soldier was a World War I soldier with one of these flat helmets, you know, like they have with a pie plate, and all that stuff. And here, there he was, standing there, see, at attention. And he had this pack on his back, and he was holding this, this gun down at his side. And all I, the fantastic. How do you make them? And Michael says, "Well, read the instructions." And it says, "At that point, you're supposed to take talcum powder. You take talcum powder and you, you, you sprinkle talcum powder on the inside of the mold. Apparently, that makes it so it doesn't stick." So you're something. You sprinkle talcum powder in there. It says, "Then you take common lead, which you can easily melt in any available, easily usable saucepan, and you just melt this lead and you pour it in." So, so allow, uh, a few moments for it to harden, and then carefully pull the two halves apart, and there you have your magnificent soldiers. At which point, you are supposed to trim off the soldiers, you know, with a, with a pen knife. You trim them off, and then you can paint them, and you got these great soldiers. It's fantastic. Of course, my mother doesn't know what, what is about to happen. She's in the kitchen. So, so I, I, you know, she's in the kitchen doing her thing, which was making Sunday dinner, because they were all over there at that time. So instantly, oh, this is fantastic.
Well, I ran down in the basement. Now, the old man used to do a thing he called soldering. You ever have a father that did a thing he called soldering? And he had this great big chunk, long piece of lead that he used when he, when he. So I knew it was lead because it had stamped all over on the outside, "Lead." Said "Lead," you know. So I could figure that's lead. So I, I knew, knew right away instinctively, I knew I better not do this around in the kitchen where the meatloaf was being made, see. So I go down in the basement. Now, down in the basement, like every basement, uh, there were pile of tires in one corner, you know, some old furniture in another corner, the old man's workbench, you know, piled up with tools and jars full of bent nails and stuff, and, and all kinds of string and wire that he said, "You never, you never know when you might need it." He had all that stuff. That was the "you never know when you might need it" corner. He had all this stuff piled up. He had also down there a hot plate. Okay. Now, that hot plate, he used to heat things like, uh, like a shellac. He would heat on this hot plate. So he was one of these little electric hot plates. So I go down there and I take this, he had a pot down there, see, that he, he used to use for mixing paint. I put this thing on, I turned it up, I put the lead in there, and by God, it melted. Have you ever melted lead yourself? Well, it just melts like, you know, and it has a kind of a scum over the top of it. Took about 10 minutes. My kid brother standing around, he's bugged now. He's got this rubber dagger. I mean, you know, yeah, what can you do with a rubber dagger? I mean, but I had a thing that you really did stuff. So I'm down there with the lead, and I'm melting it, and I finally get this thing all the. I says, "Here, Randy, grab the other end. See this mold?" So we both are holding this thing, and I start to pour the lead, see. Well, first of all, lead does not pour like water. You, the first thing you learn, it has a different specific gravity, and the, let's say the surface tension of lead is very different. It pours like Billy be damned, I'll tell you. J. And it goes all over the floor and all over my kid brother. Had the first lead kid tennis shoe in the neighborhood. His entire foot was encased in lead. He's, oh, but at this point, when you're really involved in something, you dig. Pain means nothing. See. So we're pouring this lead in there, and finally it overflows. I said, "Okay, that's enough, Randy. Quick, hold it. Don't, don't mess with it now. Hold it tight." It says, it says, "You hold it very carefully so it does not crack." And we waited, and then it congealed. I put the pot back on the, on the fire, and we slowly, with a screwdriver, pried the two halves of the mold apart. And a whole new magnificent world lay before us. These look great, you know. When you melt lead, before it oxidizes, it looks like silver. Was shiny, fantastic, you know. Lead, you think it was gray, it looked beautiful. And so we trimmed them off, and we had our f-, three soldiers. And that began. Now, let's put it this way, that began the work which later became infamous of the Cleveland Street Lead Foundry and Manufacturing Company, which set into business that afternoon. Down in the basement, we spent the entire afternoon melting every conceivable piece of lead we could find. We melted the old man's solder. We were down at the basement making lead soldiers.
Well, the next day, when Schwartz discovered this whole fantastic new world which had opened up before us, that began, as I might say, one of the few times in my life of true celebrity in the neighborhood. I owned the molds. I owned the molds, and I knew how to do it. And from that time on, it was gravy. And speaking of gravy, I'm Fran Allison. On nights when you have trouble falling asleep, what are some of the things you do to help? Well, I sleep with my head at the other end of the bed. Sometimes that helps. I eat. I do relaxing exercises, starting with my toes, and I'm usually asleep before I reach my shoulders. On those occasional nights when you have trouble falling asleep, and exercise and counting sheep just don't seem to work, try Compoz. Compoz simply relaxes and unwinds you, so your body is able to fall asleep more easily. Of course, by falling asleep more easily, you're going to feel better the next morning. So take Compoz on those occasional nights when you have trouble sleeping. If you're not satisfied in any way with Compoz, mail the box top, and they'll send you double your money back. Remember, the more easily you fall asleep, the better you feel the next morning. Compoz. Use only as directed. It's guaranteed.
There's a way to keep your car going great and going far. It's called the Chevron Way. Chevron dealers want to be the ones who keep you worry-free. So take the way. Make the right turn in the Chevron. Your Chevron dealer is an auto specialist who can offer all the things your car needs to keep it running smoothly, like Atlas Steel Radial tires. They'll give you sure traction, smoother handling, and a safer ride than ordinary tires because of their strong steel radial construction. Now's the time to see your Chevron dealer about the Atlas Steel Radial 70 tire and take the sh...
Well, you know, the, the way things creep up on you, it's, it's just terrible. You know, every one of us have had, have had a moment in our lives when we have been, let's put it this way, we have had the world in our grasp. Well, for one brief instant on Cleveland Street, I was it. Because this, this craze of of making lead soldiers out of molds, somehow, I mean, you know, it has to be a very basic human emotion to see something emerge magically where nothing was prior. I mean, I mean, to see a red soldier standing there on a horse, he's actually standing on a horse, the horse is, you know, is standing, and he's got a cape, he's got a tricorn hat, and you made it out of pouring lead into a mold out of these, you know, nothing-looking stuff. It's, it's a magical thing, really is. And I, I don't know whether, do girls ever feel that kind of emotion? I don't know. The, the, the fantastic wonder of seeing something there that, that, that never was there before.
Well, Flick and Schwartz and me and Bruner, Jack Martin, Stanley Roper, we, we, we, we began to be fantastic lead sculptors. Now, it isn't easy to get lead when you're about 10, right? Uh, you, you, you just don't go down to the hardware store and buy 7 pounds of lead or 7 pounds of solder. And ever since this time, by the way, I have felt a warm feeling in my gut every time I pass a, uh, a department in a hardware store where it says "solder." I love to look at solder. Razid core solder, acid core solder. You too? Yeah. There's no way that that's a male thing. Solder, solder, somehow has a, has a fascination about it and a satisfaction about it. And, and of course, lead is not solder. Uh, solder is a combination of lead and tin. It's a mixture. But we were using pure, pure lead. Red. Now, where do you get lead? Well, we took the hanging around junkyards, and we would, we would, uh, we would scrunch and steal lead plates out of batteries, old batteries they throw out. You get lead that way. Did you know that? I appreciate. Do, but it smells like hell when you boil it. If you start boiling lead plates out of batteries, woof, you can smell out the whole house. All that sulfuric acid and stuff. But we began to make every night solders, soldiers by the dozens, by the hundreds. But they all looked alike. And that began, you, after, after a certain point, it was merely repeating. But we couldn't stop. It was like, it was like eating potato chips. I mean, you just can't stop. So we, we must have had about 500 soldiers of each type per each. I mean, bags of them.
And one night, down in the basement, Flick changed a whole course of what had been up to this point a very innocent, a very, let's say, uh, almost an idyllic, uh, uh, phase of our life. Now, I might point out, I think this is the way even things like Watergate happen. I mean, one day one guy makes a suggestion, everybody say, "Hey, what do you say?" Oh, my God. Who knows what lies in that direction? Anyway, we're sitting down in a basement, in Flick's basement, with with all of our stuff laying out there. And by the way, we were taking turns as to whose basement we would would do the cooking in and make the soldiers in. So one night it would be at Schwartz's, one night it'd be Flick's, another night it's Roper's. And this night, we're down at Flick's, and we're, we're making soldiers. And Flick says, "Hey, listen," he said, "Um, you know, did you read last month's Boy's Life?" I don't know whether any of you ever read Boy's Life. Did you ever read Boy's Life? I read Boy's Life religiously. In fact, I read it more than I read anything but was religious. I mean, me and Dan Beard used to go out, uh, uh, vicariously, and search for moss on the north side of trees. Every month. I remember one piece in Boy's Life when I was a kid that practically put us all out of business. It says, "Make your own birch bark canoe." You ever tried to make a birch bark canoe when there are no birches living in your neighborhood, and you try to make it out of oak tree bark? It just doesn't work. We figured bark is bark, you know. But, uh, nevertheless, uh, he says, "Did you, did you read what was in the Boy's Life last month?" And Schwartz says, "What was in there?" He says, "Well, there's a, there's a, there's a thing in there about how you can make a mold and you can make anything you want. Uh, we don't have to have this mold. We can make another kind of mold." And Schwartz says, "Out of what?" He says, "Out of a potato." "Sure, it's a potato." He says, "Yeah." He says, "You got to need potatoes." And with that, Flick says, "Yeah, we got a whole bunch of potatoes. We got a whole sack of potatoes here in the cold room." He runs and he gets out this great big potato. Potato. He says, "Here's the way you do it, according to the piece. You just cut the potato lengthwise. You cut it down. Zap. One cut. Now you got two halves, right?" He says, "Whatever you want to mold, you just put in the middle of one half of a potato and you squash the potato together. And then you drill a little hole with a, with a nice pick down to this thing you want to mold. And you got to, you got to mold." You just hold this potato together, and it'll mold. "Oh, come on, Flick," says, "Yeah, you can redo it." He says, "You know, we believed everything that was in Boy's Life." See, you're going to do it. Schwartz says, "Well, let's try something." So Flick says, "What do we make?" Well, we, we were going to make another soldier. We had soldiers coming out of the, you know, coming out of the garage. So Flick, Flick says, "Wait a minute. I got something here." He looks in his pocket and he takes out a penny. "Let's try that." And he puts it on the potato and he squeezes it together, holds it real tight. And we put a hole in it with the, with the, with the ice pick. We pour the lead in. He, wait a minute. No, let me, let me. And you could smell a potato cooking. You actually could, because, you know, when the, when the lead goes down, it's hot, see, and it actually cooks the potato for one little brief moment. He pulls it apart. My God, a perfect silver lead penny. I mean, Lincoln was practically singing the Battle Hymn of the Republic right there. It even had the date, everything was beautiful. It said, "1 cent. E pluribus unum. In God we trust." And the idea hit all three of us simultaneously. And that night, we gave up making soldiers and we began to make quarters. For about 3 days, we made quarters in the basement, just for kicks. And at the end of the fourth day, Schwartz said, "We got all these lead quarters. Really, they look beautiful. They look exactly like a real quarter. They really do. That's what I can't tell you how beautiful they look." Schwartz said, "What do you say we try one out?" And 10 minutes later, we are down at Ashlagers, and we're looking in the candy department here. And Schwartz says, "Give me one." And Buddy Fingers and Flick says, "I have a Milky Way." And I said, "I'll have a Hershey bar." And old Ashlager, leaning over there, you know, he's got these big thick glasses on, he had a white apron. And he says, "All," he says, "How about the money? Come on, pay." He says, "That'll be 20 cents." Schwartz hands him a lead quarter. He just put it in the machine, it gave Schwartz a nickel back. And we were out on the [Music] street. Oh, my God. What a... We, we hid under to Schwartz's porch and ate our candy bars. A half an hour later, we're down at George's bowling alley. This time, we're buying spicy detective magazines with lead quarters. And that began my life of crime. For over 3 weeks, we bought everything in sight with lead quarters, and never once did anybody say anything. And then one day, I'm sitting at supper, and the old man says, "Hey, did you read this?" And there in the paper it said, "Counterfeit gang hits neighborhood. Counterfeit 25." We never again touched it. But do you think I'm passed the limitation clause? This is W, New York. Stay tuned for In Conversation.