Transcription
Have you ever wondered what internal process leads up to the discard of the avoidant? Why it needed to be that cruel, and also why it's after a big event? Like you just got back from that romantic getaway, or before a major surgery. And do they miss you at all? If any of that's true, then this is the video for you.
Also, I will go through all the internal processes they are not aware of that lead up to this blindsiding behavior. For the last 8 years, I've been researching toxic relationships and attachment theory. I have lived experience of these dynamics in my childhood and in past relationships. So, before we get into the questions, we need to understand what drives the avoidant.
Step one: How they see the world. So, the secret recipe to the special cookie they are. But, let's be very honest and very serious. Avoidants did not choose this survival system. They got programmed into it during childhood. Like a bird that only lands when you're eating, and then flies away when you offer your hand, and then comes back the second you ignore it again. That's basically the anyway.
Rule number one: In their mind, "I must not need anyone." I'm not in the "I am so much your independent" way, more like, um, if I ever need someone, I'm cooked. Because as kids, they learn that needing someone equals emotional pain. So, basically, their brain wired itself like, "I will survive this life alone before I ever depend on anyone ever again." And that becomes their relationships, their communication, their breakups, their self-image, their sabotage, their cheating, their silence. Everything is rooted into that one childhood rule of theirs.
Fact number two: Their love style is not romantic. It is 100% survival-based. Meaning, outward fearful avoidants do not look for connection. They look for regulation. Nervous system regulation. They They choose people whose nervous systems make their stops screaming. Let that sink in. They do not have love at first sight. They have "my anxiety, constant anxiety, just shut the up for a second, please."
Fact number three: They do not really see people. What they do is scan. Because their trauma actually turned them into little emotional scientists. So, what do they scan for? Well, basically everything. And not because they are manipulative, but because they had to study their caregivers to survive. So, this becomes, "I know who cares about me before they even admit it." Or, "I know exactly who I can hurt and still get safety from." Dark, but true.
Fact number four: Before they actually attach, everything everyone is repetitive. Literally like NPCs, background noise. And not because people are not valuable, but because their attachment system is busy hiding. They are basically emotionally dissociated until something real touches the childhood wound. And that is why they can flirt, but not attach. Deep talk, but not bond. Joke, but not feel. Date, but not care until that one person breaks through.
Step two: Break through their defense. When they meet you, the person who had the audacity to break through their well-crafted defense, well, this happens.
Fact number one: Outward fearful avoidants do not fall for you, the person, first. They fall for how you treat them. Your kindness becomes their regulation. Your empathy, their regulation. Your softness, their regulation. Your patience will be their regulation. And your emotional intelligence, exactly the same. Your ability to calm their chaos, freaking home. They attach to how you feel and not to who you are yet.
Fact number two: When they mirror you, it's not bonding. They do it to hide. They mirror to stay unnoticed, avoid judgment, blend in, to get approval, maintain control, learn the right emotional frequency. And the mirroring is internal. Not just, "Oh my gosh, oh yes, I love cooking, too." But, more like, "Okay, they joke like this. They speak like this. They attach like that. Okay, got it. I can do that, too." So, that means that they basically built a mask with your blueprint. And that is why you feel seen. But, the you, the true you, who you are, are not is not seen. You are in fact being reflected back at yourself. What you hear on the internet that you fell in love with yourself with an avoidant.
Fact number three: Fun fact, uh, not so fun. The beginning version of them is a lie. A survival lie. And they are hell of charming and consistent and emotionally present, communicative, deep AF, vulnerable-ish, supportive. Because all that masking, it gives them control. And the real them is behind five layers of dissociation and shame and fear and a locked basement door with a big block of cement keeping it closed.
Step three: When you break through their armor, when love active phase, just what the actual F phase for them, this is where the movie switches genres and you make them actually feel. So, what happens then?
Fact number one: When an outward fearful avoidant realizes they actually care, well, it's instant internal panic. One moment they're chill, it's cool. But, then the next moment, something inside goes, "Oh no, no, no. I need them. I'm not independent anymore. I feel something for them. It's all good. I'm okay. It's all good. It's bad." And now, and no, they are not emotionally emotionless monsters. They just do everything in their power to not feel. Because suddenly, their nervous system starts screaming, "Danger! Danger!" And it's not like a voice in their head, they feel it in their toes. Their whole body feels an ease like something really bad is about to happen if they do not stop it. Because caring opens the wound.
Fact number two: Love equals threat. Outward fearful avoidants physiologically cannot handle real intimacy yet. And their body reacts like they're being hunted. So, feeling close to you, the person they feel real feelings for, feels like losing control, being trapped, being vulnerable, being exposed, being dependent, being judged, being abandoned, being weak, being unworthy. It doesn't feel like romance or butterflies like it does for all of you except secure. It feels like freaking drowning with a smile on your face like, "Hey, I'm cool. Just trying to figure out if I'm, you know, in a war or something." That That kind of feeling.
Fact number three: You have now become the threat. Because you're the one they love. Outward fearful avoidants do not get anxious with people they do not care about. But, with you, they get anxious with you. And their body feels like they are dying because now they lost control. Because now because they love you, you can hurt them. You can leave. You can actually see them. You can demand emotional consistency and can break through their defenses. And they feel that, which is danger. So, now they hyper scan you. Just like you scan them after the discard. Everything you do for them, it becomes, "Are they safe? Or is this the moment everything collapses?"
Fact number four: So, the self-sabotage begins. And it's microscopic at first. They do things like pull back, shorter replies, less eye contact, cold tone, defensiveness, nitpicking, silent withdrawing, overreacting at tiny things, acting bored, not because they are losing interest at all, it's actually opposite. But they do it because that they are losing control.
The collision. Okay, so now we're here. You give love and they freak out. What?
Fact number one: You love them anyway. And that is what breaks them. Because uh instead of what they're used to, you stay. And you try, and you reassure, and you explain. You're patient. You're gentle. You do not run. And that safety is exactly what overwhelms them to the freaking moon. Because sure, they wanted safe love their whole life, but they were not built to actually receive it. So, they start drowning. Imagine they are the cotton candy and you're the water. What happens when cotton candy touches water? It disappears.
Fact number two: They start feeling real attachment. And it ruins them. Because they want you. They think about you. They dream about you. They crave you. But needing you feels like emotional suicide. It does not match in their system. So, they panic.
Fact number three: Their inner child wakes up and starts screaming at them. "You're going to get abandoned again. They are going to leave. You're too much. You are being seen. If they knew the real you, they would leave. You are failing. You are weak. You need them. For real, stop that now." This inner child runs their entire sabotage algorithm because it remembers.
Step five: Sabotage. The real sabotage. This is the part you never get to see.
Fact number one: They sabotage because they love. Why they when they do not care when they do not care? Um, they are chill as a horse on xylazine. When they care, they destroy everything. And they do things like lie, emotional cheat, some physically, hide things, avoid accountability, pick fights, shut down, gaslight, stonewall, withdraw. And yes, impact matters more than intention. But they do not all that to hurt you. They do it to stop loving you so deeply. Because in their world, they believe loving you equals losing themselves.
Fact number two: Shame hits them like a freaking nuclear bomb. And they start feeling unworthy, terrified, exposed, humiliated, disgusting, like the villain, like a failure. And when that shame is activated like that, they disconnect hard. They go cold because their brain is trying not to collapse.
Step six: The discard. The discard it's not heartlessness. I know that's hard to hear because they're freaking cruel. Because where was the empathy? Hear me out, please. What it is is dissociation. Absolutely not an excuse at all, but it is not that they have no empathy. They just turn it off for a moment to be able to cope.
Fact number one: Their system shuts down to survive emotions they cannot process, and they go numb, blank, robotic, detached, logical, distance, freaking cruel. Because basically, they have left emotionally. They dissociate from love because love is overwhelming, and not because you are too much, but because their whole nervous system is wired to think that love is danger. So, all alarm bells go off.
Fact number two: The crueler the discard, the deeper the feelings were. Connections end gently. Deep ones end cruel. You get angry at someone who who you care about. And this is not because they did not care. It is because caring was killing them internally.
Fact number three: After the discard, they hit the void. They sleep all day, lose appetite, get sick, distract with rebounds, scroll endlessly, avoid silence, avoid mirrors, but mostly avoid you. And they look like they do not give a flying F. But that is because they're in survival shutdown.
Step seven: After the discard. After you're gone, the part you never see.
Fact number one: Rebounds are not to replace you. They are just painkillers. They rebound to avoid guilt, avoid staring at themselves, avoid silence, avoid responsibility, avoid memory, avoid accountability, avoid emotions, avoid shame, avoid dying from thinking of losing you. Because yes, they need a whole other person just to not think about you. It's not because they love that person. It is actually never that.
Fact number two: They compare everyone to you, and everyone fails because no one can make them feel the same way because you activated real attachment in them. And you touched the wound, and others do not.
Fact number three: They think about you way more than you think, but only when their defenses are down. And that is at night, in silence, after sex, after the rebound leaves, when shame hits, when something reminds them, on your birthday, on holidays, when they see your name somewhere, when they lie awake with guilt. You think they forgot, but they compartmentalize. And that box breaks open eventually.
Fact number four: Do they come back? Oh, yes, they do. But not healed. Not changed. They come back because shame collapsed. Ego cracked. Silence got loud. The rebound felt empty. No one regulates like you. No one sees them like you. They finally miss you in a way they cannot deny. To sum it up, they come back for their ego blanky. And that is not coming back to repair. And that is the painful truth you need to understand. Do not get fooled with breadcrumbs.
When they heal, what they learn when they heal. The part that hurts you both, actually. When they finally face their own trauma, they realize things they cannot avoid anymore. That they did love you. That they were safe with you. They were in denial, and they did panic. They did damage you. They did sabotage something real. They did fail at love they actually wanted. They did hurt someone who deserved safety. They did project their childhood trauma onto you. And the truth, you were never their trauma. But you were the one who loved them the way they should have been loved growing up. And that is exactly why they set us on fire and walked away. Because trusting that is like admitting their caregivers did not keep them safe. And that's the truth their system will do everything for to avoid.
Now, your part. Your part. This This is the part you really need to listen to.
Fact number one: You did not love them the way you think you did. Because what you loved and why you chose them was finally being chosen yourself. Because your wound is older than any outward fearful avoidant. What they did was activate it. You are not addicted to them. You are addicted to the potential, the mirroring, the fantasy, the highs and lows, the fear and reassurance cycle, the emotional breadcrumbs, the illusion of safety, the hope of healing someone. And that's not real love. That is survival instinct.
Fact number two: That intense feeling of "I met my soulmate" was not coming from them. That was your nervous system attaching to familiar pain. And if you think someone who self-sabotages and would rather flirt with a work colleague because it feels safe, no risk for the nervous system, if you think that someone is your soulmate, well, think again. Like 76 times again. They mirror you and you felt seen, but you were not actually known. This is why the moment trust was required everything collapsed because they could not keep the mask on. You didn't know them either.
Fact number three: >> [snorts] >> No, you were not discarded because you were not enough. You were discarded because you had the freaking audacity to be too real and they cannot handle that. They cannot handle accountability, consistency, intimacy, emotional truth, vulnerability, being seen, being dependent on, being loved in a healthy way. And these these are just bare minimum expectations in a healthy relationship. You were the first person to reach the part of them they had buried for a long time and that is why they ran. Like a deadbeat father the second he saw the pregnancy test ran.
Fact number four: They did not choose someone else over you. What they chose was their survival over themselves. Rebounds equals safety. Your equal emotional exposure. Every rebound is easy, shallow, [snorts] predictable, low stakes, non-demanding, non-triggering. Someone who lets them do whatever and then lets them back in. But you you were everything they wanted and everything they feared at the same time.
Fact number five: You did not lose a soulmate. All you lost was the last excuse to not heal. Because your heartbreak is your childhood wounds wounds screaming. And yes, outward fearful avoidance might very definitely be a freaking mess, but they did not cause that wound. They just activated it and that is why this breakup does not feel like any other because it's not just about them. This this breakup is about your original wound.
Fact number six: What you are waiting for now is not a person. >> [clears throat] >> What you're waiting for now is absolution. You want that "I mattered, I loved you, you were not crazy, you were not too much. I see the damage I caused now. You were enough." And you want closure from the person who is the least capable of ever giving it. Because outward fearful avoidance cannot give closure. They do not even have that for themselves. They don't even know exactly why they're breaking up or discarding you.
Fact number seven: The real closure is this. You could not have saved them. Because they did not think they deserved saving. You cannot fix something that was not your fault because it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with their fear. And if you think, "But I was very overwhelming in in the end and I got quite needy. I pressured them to change. I asked them to stop being scared. I said I did not feel loved by them." It doesn't matter. Because deep down they know that you were the person they loved and broke. They know you were not too much. They know you just asked for the bare [music] minimum that you should not even have to ask for in the beginning. In the first place, I mean. And that is exactly why they act like you're the problem because if they admit that they are, well, ego death. You could have been perfect and they still would have sabotaged. Just like your caregiver still would have left or cheated or given you inconsistent love, worked more than being present with you or put all the emotional labor on you. It wasn't your fault. But both outward fearful avoidance and your caregiver made your nervous system believe that it was. And that is not buying your forgiveness through silent treatments, gifts or love bombing.
Fact number eight: Your inner child. The real love story now. The real love story is you versus a part of you that tolerated emotional starvation. The part that part of you is not broken. It is just unhealed. And it's time to make your healing the number one focus and stop decoding them.
Final truth: The knife that cuts the trauma bond. Now if they they were your soulmates, you would not have felt sick, anxious, confused, neglected, discarded, blamed, punished, emotionally starved, ignored, humiliated, terrified, emotionally exhausted. Because safe love does not need you to disappear. Safe love does not make you back. It does not require self-betrayal and safe love does not mirror your childhood wound. They might have felt like home, but take a look back at that home and tell me you had attuned caregivers because if you did, you would not have ended up with an avoidant. Ending up with them is not love. It is repeating your wound.
There are only two kinds of people who fall and stay with outward fearful avoidance no matter the love bombing and masking in the beginning. And that is anxious attached and fearful avoidance leaning anxious. Because they do not see the love bombing as a red flag. They see it as "finally, I am enough." And they do not see the inconsistency as a red flag. They see it as "maybe if I explain better." And they take the mirroring as "I found the one." Only because they do not even see themselves. But people who do see themselves, they see the love bombing as "this does not seem stable." They see the inconsistency as "this is not emotionally safe long-term." And they see the mirroring as a red flag because they know their worth. They know who they are. And the day you stop decoding and chasing avoidance and instead take a look within yourself and finally see you, that is when you're going to understand why you could even break an avoidance defense because you have been enough since day one. When you take a real look at yourself and get to know you, that is when you're going to realize why it is so easy to love you. But you're also going to realize you deserve more than someone who only knows how to love you when it's easy. You deserve a new story. Not one your nervous system has to survive again. And even if you are trauma bonded right now, I know it's hard, but trust this. You deserve safe love. Unhealed outward avoidance uh fearful avoidance are not safe and trust me, they will not change for the next person and if they ever choose healing, it's because they chose it for themselves and no one else. And just because they will not change, that is not a sign that you cannot heal. That you cannot get to know yourself. That you cannot take all that love you gave them and put it into you because you can. And it is about damn time. Thank you for watching. If you enjoyed this videos, please consider subscribing or thumbs up. Let me know what you think. I really hope to see you next time.