Transcription
Hello, I'm Dr. David Hawkins. I'm the director of the Marriage Recovery Center. I have noticed that it is so easy to get negatively entangled with someone who is narcissistic and emotionally abusive. I want to give you a few things to think about that will help you become disentangled, that will help you avoid what I call emotional quicksand.
You know, emotional quicksand. I mean, I want you to imagine quicksand. I want you to imagine walking along a path and you think that you're safe, and all of a sudden you begin to sink in. And the more you sink into this quicksand, the more it captures you. The more you are entangled, the less free you become. You fight and you wrestle, and now you are even further into this quicksand, and you are panicked.
Emotional quicksand is that situation where you confront the narcissistic and emotionally abusive man. Now, you go into it thinking, "I should be able to talk about this. I should be able to confront him. I should be able to offer a little bit of criticism that will help him and help us. I should be able to approach him." This is not an unreasonable thing. Uh, but that's where you're wrong. Because if this man is really narcissistic and emotionally abusive, if he's a six-year-old emotionally, and if he does not know how to accept criticism in a healthy way, if he's going to flip the script, blame shift, rationalize, justify, make excuses, explain, explain, explain away everything, then you don't have a chance. You don't have a chance at just doing what seems like it should be so natural.
So, you know the deal. You go to him. You are concerned about something. You approach him with this concern. Concern. And there you go. You are embroiled, you're entangled, and you're wondering, "What in the world has just happened? How did I get myself into this? Or did he get me into it? Or did we get into? Who, what, what happened?" In one of my books, I say the definition of crazy-making is, if you feel crazy, then you're probably with a crazy-maker. And I don't say crazy-maker in a glib way. I'm not trying to make it sound funny or cute. It's not funny. It's not cute. Quicksand, emotional quicksand, kills you. Really, it kills you emotionally. You can't come out alive. This, if it happens to you again and again and again and again, will steal your joy. It will steal your identity. He will steal your joy. He will steal your identity. He will steal your own sense of self because he talks you out of what you're feeling. He talks you out of what you think that he did. He talks you out of, out of, out of, out of, and you're spinning.
All right, solutions. Number one, I want you to be acutely aware of any time you enter into this kind of dialogue with him. Now, fortunately, yeah, does that mean that you have to watch your step? It really does mean you have to watch your step. Does it mean that you have to, you have to have what I call the third eye? Our ability to watch ourselves and to discern whether or not he can hear this, whether or not he's safe, whether or not he can be trusted with your heart. So, yeah, nobody's going to protect your heart like you are. Nobody's going to keep you safe like you will. So, I want you to, before you approach him with anything critical, I want you to discern. Find out whether or not he is really emotionally available, whether he is centered. You can do this. You really can. You can do this. You can be aware of yourself. Am I centered? Be aware of him. Is he centered? Centered, by the way, is emotionally stable, emotionally sober. If he's defensive, guarded, critical, edgy, no, no, no, no, no. Don't go in. Don't go in unless you're with someone, a really skilled clinician, a skilled pastor, skilled someone who will go in with you to help create safety. Don't go into places where there is emotional quicksand, where he's going to flip the script, where he's going to blame you, where he's going to justify, rationalize, explain, make excuses for his behavior, not take responsibility.
So, you're going to be aware of yourself, number one. You're going to be aware of him, number two. You're going to monitor the conversation. Is this a safe conversation? Is he really available to hear me? Is he receptive? Does he care what I'm experiencing? Does he validate and empathize with me? Those are two very, very basic ingredients, by the way. Does he, does he empathize with me? Does he, does he have my heart? Does he care about what I'm feeling? Does he sit with me? Does he, does he ask good questions? Does he validate by his body? Does he, does he, does he lean in? Is he watching you? Is he concerned about what you think and what you feel? Those are critical things. Be aware of yourself. Be aware of him. Be aware of the exchange. Is it going well? If it's not, it's emotional quicksand, and you will lose yourself.
I want you to be very mindful. Number four, I want you to be very mindful of whether or not he can really listen and hear this information. It's very possible that he can't. That he is still so caught up in defending himself, guarding himself, protecting himself, that he can't be approached. I get it. I know what that means. That means that there may be a real lack of healthy encounter with him. It may mean that you've got to pull apart from him emotionally. It may mean that you have to separate from him emotionally. But you've got to be safe because you can't enter into this place of emotional quicksand. So, be, be careful about being overly concerned with what he's doing, why he's doing it, trying to figure out, "Is he this? Is he that? What's going on here?" Be very, very careful about all of that.
So, discover and consider where, when, and how you are safe. You're on solid ground. There's no emotional quicksand. Again, emotional quicksand is when he flips a script, when he rewrites history, when he changes things up, when he confounds things, when he gaslights and confuses you. The opposite of that is safety. Yeah, he leans in, he empathizes with you, he validates your concerns. You know, then that you can have a difficult conversation.
So, in summary, be very wise. Be very careful. You know, your, your body keeps score of everything that's happening. More and more women are coming and talking to me about their physiological concerns. This ongoing, constant state of stress takes an incredible toll on you physically as well as emotionally, and of course, spiritually. So, watch how you're feeling. Watch how he's feeling. Notice whether there's emotional quicksand. Notice whether he really cares, leans in, can hear you non-defensively, whether he can accept and hear critical feedback. And if he can't, you're going to have to step back and decide, "Okay, what do I do now? Now that I've discovered that this is emotional quicksand, I'm going to die if I go in here alone, unprotected, unsafe, uncared for by him, and perhaps needing additional support."
All right, so again, the topic today is, beware of emotional quicksand. Keep yourself safe. If you do that, you're going to have a much better chance of stepping back and discovering and discerning what you want to do about this relationship. And that's, that's one of our end goals, being clear-minded. So, what do I want to do? What kind of help can I access? Is he going to access help with me? Is he going to get his own help? Will help you with all those decisions, by the way.
So, if you want more information about emotional quicksand, how to avoid it, how to, how to navigate around it, how to, how to heal this place of emotional quicksand, if it's possible, possible, we're here to help you. Call us at 206-219-0145 or marriagecoverycenter.com. All right, take care. Be safe. Okay. God bless.