Transcription
People want you to be a certain way. And sometimes you can't help but be depressed.
If you're that depressed, reach out to someone. And remember, suicide is a permanent solution to temporary problems.
You went through it. Went through it. Yeah. For what were you addicted?
Oh, I had a little problem with alcohol. It was a way of kind of shutting the world out and avoiding the world.
Does anyone have to ease my pain? All right. Heaven exists. What would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the pearly gates? There's seating near the front.
By the time you see this, I'll be dead. I hope you can forgive me. I pray for your happiness.
A couple of years of just thinking I can do it on my own and you can't. That's the bottom line. I can do this. I can stop. And you really think you can and then you realize I need help. And that's the operative word.
Just got out of rehab. No bar. Say you I went to rehab in wine country. Always a good choice. It was good. I quit. I realized alcohol is not my friend.
Yes. I went through a certain kind of whatever. Three years of heavy bullying. Why is there such a heavy heavy duty problem with drugs that addresses the psychology of a nation and I try to address it in using the only weapon I have comedy and that's all we do. Well, comedic talent is the way that you know survival mechanism. Yeah, I buy into that. It becomes that you're not easy on yourself.
No, you know, as an alcoholic I talk about, you know, some warning signs. The idea of, you know, have you been through it to talk about it and see like, you know, this is what you go through heart surgery, you know, alcoholism.
We're talking about pretty much everything. Everything that's kind of happened, the heart surgery. I mean the idea of even the valves they gave me the choice of getting you know different valves after the hotel you find yourself getting very emotional doing the shows are fine was after the shows and before the shows I remember sometime one time I was so hung over one time that the director gave me notes I was on the floor he had to kick me.
What keeps you up at night? What keeps me up? It's usually thinking about something that either happened that you know didn't go exactly the way you wanted or that you're worried about something you have to do and you're kind of preparing and then you realize the only way to prepare is to let go. Okay, you've done it now let go. Let go. And there's a voice that tells alcoholics we can drink. It's the same voice you hear if you can go up to the top of a very large building and you look over the side. There's a little voice that goes jump.
You can fly. It's the same voice. The same voice goes just one. There's a voice that goes jump. And the idea of just one for someone who has no tolerance for it, that's not a possibility.
The Americans think when something dies that's it. It's over. But when you go to the Middle East, you realize that there's a real sense of things stay around.
So you were dry for 20 years. Yes.
Why did you fall off? I was in a little town in Alaska. It wasn't the end of the world, but you can see it from there. And it was like all of a sudden I thought I could drink. It's also that same thought you have if you look off a large building and go, I can fly.
And within a week, it was like gone. Blaze and waiting for the time when you think it's fine now. I'm I'm okay. And then next thing you know, it's not okay. It's not going so well. You're up and you're up and you're up, but when you crash, even the devil's going, "Dude, this is not going to go well."
So many of us did it and you get through it. And there'll be those nights when you do, you be like, "I'm going to die. I'm going to die. I'm going to die." And then you wake up the next morning, I didn't die. Let's try it again. And the definition of insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome. And it's just insanity, you know. And what a great any drug that makes you paranoid and impotent. How much fun can you have?
What happens in rehab? What happens if people basically start the process of uh you know just saying no and being among others you know and learning that you're not alone and working on giving up you know giving up that you could do it yourself because everyone's thinking I I I got this under control and you go to those and you know you find other people who've done things that make you look Amish.
I was so far in denial I was in the Suez. It was like out there. There was a bottle of vodka that was in the refrigerator and I would actually, you know, kind of drink down thinking no one noticed until it gets down to the very bottom going, I don't know what happened. And you're drinking thinking no one notices. And then sometimes you put water in there and then you realize idiot water freezes. Yeah. There's a sadness and then you have to go then there's also um there's also hope. I mean sadness it's always like yeah you wish they hadn't happened but they did and the purpose is to make you different. It's that idea of you're back and you realize the thing that matters are others way beyond yourself. Self goes away. Ego bye-bye. Realize there are a lot lot of amazing people out there to be grateful for and a loving God and that other than that good luck.
Standup is how comedians process things that are painful? Yeah.
But does that mean we have to wish more painful things on you or you don't have to. I find them.
How lonely was your childhood? I was an only child. Um it wasn't. It wasn't. I mean, you you learn to play with yourself, pardon the pun, but you have you you adapt your imagination. You find a way of getting through it.
And then later on, you know, I I learned that it was very interesting and how it formed who and what I am.
You created a lot of characters, did you? Yeah. Little things that didn't really surface till college where all of a sudden I realized I had this mimicry, this ability to because I think I've been kind of listening and absorbing all that stuff and then in college I had a chance to release it.
There's certain fears because there's a you find your the freedom of expansion. I mean, the ability to move and do things. I used to love to do like skating in Venice Beach in California. I used to love that. That was a lot of fun. And now it's real hard because you get stopped and boring and people will sometimes you feel kind of like a freak of nature sometimes cuz you'll stop to make a phone call a sudden there'll be 50 people kind of standing around the booth going.
And I think sober and also able to experience life and go, it's pretty amazing. It's kind of before the heart surgery, one of the more sobering moments of just going life is extraordinary. I don't want to miss it, you know.
Oh man, it's a gift, you know. And to be spending most of the time there.
Where were you? I don't remember. Absolutely right.
To come back from that is like going, "Oh, look." And then you realize you do have family, friends, and people go, I appreciate you and now I could actually remember what we're talking about. How cool is that? That's kind of the gift, you know?
And it's the that's those things that you just gratitude. That's the simple gratitude of like, yeah, it's good. Or as one guy said, every day above ground, you know, it's much nicer.
But it's all those things. I really I appreciate them. Yeah.
You just look at your own life and just realize what what things are precious to you.
And trying to, you know, live two lives. One is the one the performing life and the other is a life of that social ramble of trying to be, you know, on top of it all and do everything at all times and you can't. Well, it's deadly. You know, it can that'll kill you quicker than performing. It's just trying to do be at every party and do everything everywhere at all times.
Did you go to your high school reunion? Yeah, it was amazing. It was uh the guys who used to pick on me and stuff were like, "Oh, hey, how have you been?"
Were you a little chubby back in those days? Yes, sir. A little. It's like in an elevator would say, "Load limit see me." It was like I was a little Yeah, a little fat. This is before high school, but like.
You used to get beat up a lot. No, picked on mainly. Like I used to play hand.
Because you were fat. Yeah, cuz I was short and fat, which is not a good combination.
I don't vividly remember anything from it's like there was this thing for called a blackout, which isn't really a blackout. But it's more like sleepwalking with activities. And I believe it's your conscience going into a witness protection program.
I've got to go now. Good luck. I'm checking out. I'm leaving the body on, but we're not going to remember anything. Good luck to you. Take care.
Is being funny sometimes a hindrance to social interaction? Years ago, my my I was reading a story to my to my daughter and I was doing voices and everything and she turned to me and said, "Just read the story." And then the alcohol kicked in with besided and then eventually realized I can't I remember stopping it on my own because I was about to have a son but I did it alone. So that was why it was you know 20 years without any help. But I think I did it because it would it would actually allow me not to talk. Just keep going. Find that thing you love because it's tough work. And my father gave me this advice when I said I wanted to be an actor. He said have a backup profession like welding. But I think if you can find that thing that really gives you joy, that'll be it. Because for me it's always been comedy and standup and and acting too because of exploring behavior. But it's tough work but if you can get it even better. Good luck.