Transcription
[Music] Me and my husband met in 2023 in February. Um, we got married in November. We found out we were having a baby in December. So, fast forward, our son is now 7 months old and, um, it's been really rocky. Um, we had an argument Friday and it escalated and there was some physical um, abuse, I guess you would say. Um, he was charged with um, aggravated assault against me and is now in jail. And I'm I'm tore between like leaving or staying. Like I feel guilty. I feel like I'm kind of ruining his life. Um, so I don't really know where to go or what to do. I'm sorry. Thank you. That's not how this supposed to go.
No. Um, so let me let me make sure I'm going to I'm going to read back to you what I got in my mind to make sure I'm hearing you right. Okay. Um Okay. You met this guy a couple years ago. Y'all fell in love pretty hard, pretty fast. How old are you? We're about 25. Okay. So, still kind of young, but you're going for it. Y'all got married and then I guess y you got pregnant on your honeymoon. And yeah, then um you have a seven-month-old and since you've been married, your husband's I didn't get the game. He's playing too much playing video games all the time. Tell me more about that.
Yeah, it was so he struggled really hard like when uh I first had my son. So he'd become really distant. Um to the point where he would pull allnighters, play no video game. He would go to work on no sleep or he just ignore you guys. No helping with the bottles, no helping with the diapers, bedtimes, nothing. Yeah. My son was nearly 3 months old and he hadn't even washed the bottle yet. He would watch him, but he would like lay them in the bassinet beside him and like put his headphones on and just kind of listen for him to cry. Oh god. So did he do this before the baby was born or while you were pregnant? He he played games um the he's played games the whole time I've known him, but it wasn't to this extent. Okay. So, it just kind of got worse.
So, tell me tell me what happened the night it escalated. So earlier that night, um he wanted to have sex and I declined and um so we kind of got arguing about that and then he went to play his game. How did how did the argument go? It was like he was I was we were actually laying down to watch a movie and I was falling asleep and he was like trying to wake me up to have sex and I told I got aggravated. I told him like I'm trying to fall asleep. Like I've been working like I want to get some rest. And he's like, you know, well, you told me like I could wake you up sometime and be spontaneous. And I was like, yeah, like after I've had rest, not like when I'm falling asleep. And it just kind of turned into like I don't know, he started making me feel like I don't care about him and and it was like like I was going back on my word or something and it was like a big misunderstanding that way. Um, so then he gets up. Oh, he he's throwing like a major league 2-year-old tantrum, but he's in a 25-year-old man's body. And so, yeah, then he gets up to go play his video games.
Yeah. So, um, right after the argument, I went outside to like just breathe. Um, cuz our arguments have escalated and I've just kind of I just kind of exit and I'm like, are you cursing at each other? Are you swearing? I mean, y'all pushing each other like what's what's give give me an example of a fight. So, there'll be a lot of um a lot of yelling, a lot of cursing. Um, it's not always physical like it has been before, but not to this extent. Paint me a picture of physical like what does that look like? Like there was an argument where he had taken our son um right before I was about to shower with him and was like trying to get me to talk to him like he was using my kid. He knew I was about to get to like bathe my son and um I'm trying to grab my kid and he's like pushing me like pushing me back and like we're just arguing over it.
And so so let me paint this picture cuz it it's and I'm asking these questions on purpose cuz I'm getting to I'm I'm I'm I'm walking along a path that I don't normally walk with a caller. So that's why I'm being a little bit more specific than I usually am. Okay. I'm not just being nosy. I'm actually I'm going somewhere. Okay. Um Okay. So, I'm painting a picture or you're painting a picture of me of a mom who doesn't have any clothes on. He's getting into the shower carrying her newborn. He grabs the baby. You're standing in half in and half out of the shower. You don't have any clothes on and he's shoving you saying, "You're going to come talk to me." Yeah. He had carried the child into his bedroom. Well, carried our child into the bedroom and he's like, "Well, I'm going to change a stopper." And I'm like, like I'm taking the stopper off to shower. And then it's like and he later admitted that he was using our son like but but there there's a particular there's a particular and the reason the picture of this moment and I know it's it's a little bit of a graphic moment. I don't want all of these people who listen to the show imag trying to imagine who you are and you naked in the shower. It's not that's not the point. The point here is there's a very particular kind of man who will go after a woman in extreme levels of vulnerability. And a woman who is unclothed holding her baby or trying to get her baby in a unsafe a slippery unsafe situation is shower. and a guy that will will use that moment to exert some kind of power or that will take a kid and use that kid, right, to weaponize their baby. That's a different level of degenerate in my book. Yeah. You see what I'm saying? That's different than couples who fight, couples who yell, like, we'll get through that kind of stuff. But this I'm just trying to you I'm trying to get you through action to paint me a picture of how this guy responds over and over again. And that's a very particular type of cruel very immature man.
Yeah. And it gets really confusing cuz there's sometimes where like right before the the aggravated assault charge like I would come to him with something and he would be really calm and I'm like so now I'm just confused. Well, it's when he doesn't get what he wants. he goes to a he instantly becomes a toddler and if he feels powerful like you saying hey can you help me with this or do you have an answer for me and he's got a utility then that feeds his ego but the moment he doesn't get what he wants and you're an object for him the moment that you don't fulfill his fill in the blank his ego his sexual need his whatever doesn't matter if you're exhausted doesn't matter if you're working a full-time job and a 100% of this childcare of your new baby is on you and he's been playing video games all day. I don't really care. I want to have sex right now. And one time or two times, we were talking about spontaneousness, especially after we're you've been pregnant for half your marriage and you've had a baby for the other half. Like, of course, sex lives get screwed up then, right? And you talked about spontaneous. How do we practice desire? All that fun stuff. He's like, "Yeah, one day just wake me up, man. Let's just like do it in the middle of the night." That's all cool and well and good, but then my wife's exhausted and I'm like, "No, you set you get what I'm saying?" Like, yeah, that's that's that's using your words. That's using a conversation. And there's a difference when in the middle of the night, one of you gets up to go to the bathroom, you lay back down, your feet accidentally touch, then your fingers accidentally touch, and then you kind of feel like, "Oh, you're more awake than I thought." And then it kind of happens, right? That's that's a different thing. And so, I think that's kind of what I had in my mind.
Of course it is. Of course. You know why? Cuz you're like, you're a regular you're a normal person. It wasn't, "Hey, you have unfettered access to my body, whether I'm sick, I'm exhausted, I've been taking care of um our finances and our baby while you've been playing video games all night." Like, of course, that's what you meant. And any rational person in the world would know that. Okay. Um, so walk me through the last little minute. Y'all, he wants to have sex. He's trying to wake you up. And you say, "No, I'm going to bed. He gets pissed. Y'all are screaming, yelling, cussing at each other. He throws a temper tantrum. gets up and leaves the bedroom to go play a video game. Then what happened?
So, um, well, after I went outside and come back in, um, he had kind of like disappeared. I didn't know where he went. And then I seen like he had turned the game on cuz I can our apartment is like pretty small, so I can see into the living room from our bedroom. And um, so I noticed he's on the game. And I did what I probably shouldn't have done. And I went in there and I took his headset off and I'm like telling him like like if I can't go to bed like you can't play the game. And then he like I got those words out and that was like it. He had pushed me back onto the couch and he had put his hands around my neck and it didn't feel like it was in the way to like keep me from breathing but almost like to scare me cuz I also feel like he's not stupid. like he's not going to leave marks and anything like that. So, it was it that but that's what I had done and like I mean I don't know I know that I shouldn't have done that but yeah but there's there's a so here's I'll say fine. Yeah, you probably shouldn't have done that and that doesn't justify the response in any shape, form or fashion. Or let me put it this way. What you did was bratty. What you did was annoying. What he did was psycho. What he did was a crime. Do you get the difference?
Yeah. And all of us, you, me, everybody gets bratty, gets annoying, gets crummy during a fight every once in a while. That happens. And that's why repair like coming back together after a like that's why that's such an important skill for all relationships. Um we say dumb things, we do something dumb like I step outside then I act bratty or what whatever the thing is, but we don't commit crimes of violence. And so as you've painted this picture for me, and hopefully in in my questions back to you, you're you're hearing me. I'm trying to be as calm as I can. But I want you to have heard the narrative you've given me. What I'm hearing is there's a guy that has shown you through his actions he has absolutely no interest in his son. He's got no interest in his wife. He has one interest and one interest only and that's that's him. And clearly he's got some emotional and mental health challenges he's struggling with. clearly, but I'm going to look at behavior, not diagnostic here, because I don't have that information. I never talked to him. And I don't care what your diagnostic is. You got to show up for your kids. You can't hide behind 24-hour video game sessions while your life is passing you by on the couch next to you. You cannot shove an exhausted, naked wife trying to get her baby into the shower so she can give this little kid a bath. You can't do that. You can't use your son, your baby, as a as a as a lure to get another adult to do what you want him to do out of fear of you're going to hurt their kid. You don't take over some try to like have wake somebody up who's collapsing from fatigue and exhaustion and demand sex and then blame them for not giving it to you. You don't shove a woman down. Even if she's you put your hands on it, even if even if she pulls off your headset and said, "If I can't do if you're going to wake me up and you can't play video games, that's silly." But you don't then respond by shoving her up on the furniture and then putting your hands around her neck, letting you know, I could kill you right now if I wanted to.
So reading that back that way, and I know, by the way, in 99.9% of these conversations, you're softing it for me, right? Yeah, I think so. I know you are. Okay. And I don't blame you and I honor that. I'm not going to push anymore. I can ask you any more personal questions. But just reading that back, like if you were a close friend of mine, you were my sister, you were a co-orker of mine, I'm I'm looking at you and saying, "What are you trying to salvage here? I mean, honestly, I don't know what I'm missing. I just I think like as far as like lawyers, like everybody's telling me to leave, but then like I have like my dad, like my only close like person in my life and he's Christian and it's, you know, like, oh, you can't get divorced. Like, nonsense. Nonsense. Nonsense. What's he want that guy to kill you? Yeah. I mean, and he just nonsense. I don't know. I I had this like picture. There it is. Like I I don't know. I know people like make mistakes. I don't know if I'm being naive. Like I don't know. Well, if you grew up a dad that weaponized scripture in that way, God knows what kind of stories you've been wrestling with about how your thoughts or feelings or whatever are all your fault. Yeah. And and the last time I spoke with my husband, he said, you know, like, oh, I didn't grow up with, you know, like I'm trying to be a good dad. I didn't grow up with a good role model. And and it's like I don't know. Well, I'm stuck between sympathy and you can be sympathetic to, but you're not going to you're not going to you're not going to take my baby. You can be sympathetic, but you're not going to throw me to the ground and threaten to kill me. I know millions and millions of new dads who have no idea what to do next. And they don't do that, Elizabeth. They're trying. They're screwed up and they're goofy and they say dumb things and do dumb things and they try to hide on the golf course or video game. I get that. I get it. I totally get it. But hear me say this is out of the norm.
Yeah. What's What's strange is like we were Sorry. No, go ahead. Go ahead. We were seeing a marriage counselor and and she would she had known that it had been physical before, like before this happened. And she was like, she was like, you know, I'm not going to tolerate that, but I want you guys to know like what you're dealing with is normal. And like he's repeated that back to me. I can't even tell you how many times like this is normal. Like what we're going through is normal. And I'm like this is not like something is wrong here. She said that a husband shoving around a new pregnant wife is normal. Yeah. That it's just she should have her license taken away. That's not normal. It's not okay. It's not right in any shape, for fashion. She should have her license stripped from her. Now, if she was saying, "I will not tolerate you putting your hands on them." Every young couple, especially one that gets pregnant one month into their new marriage, is going to struggle with communication and figuring things out and dad's trying to check out. Like, that's that is normal. But if she's telling you you just got to like, hey, some guys just shove their wives around, that's not true. I mean, that's true that that happens. That is not normal. It's not right. It's not good. It's not something you just deal with.
Do you have a friend? Do you have a um I don't know, somebody you work with, somebody that could let y'all crash? I think like maybe my babysitter. I thought about like staying where I'm at and getting like a order of protection out and maybe filing for emergency contact, but I don't know. I think that's very very wise. The jail is literally like two streets over from where I live. So it's like I don't like I'm worried about him. Sure. Like just walking over like we've talked and he's said like, "Oh, I won't like I understand if you don't want to be in the off and all of this." And he's agreed even to like divorce. That way I don't have to like pay for a contested divorce. But does he does he I mean, it sounds like he doesn't want to be a dad or or a husband. I mean, he says he does, but he says like he that he I don't know that he just struggles. Yeah. And I've like like I pay for his insurance, pay for all of our insurance and we get free like therapy and stuff like that and he's not downloaded the app or anything like that. So there's no Well, and maybe I'm trying to find a silver lining with this guy, and again, I've never talked to him. Um I'd love to talk to him if he ever wants to call in. I maybe he knows I can't control myself. I'm going to hurt somebody. You need to go. And if he's talking like that to I want to be a dad. I I want to want to be a dad and a husband. I I like the idea of that picture. I'm going to hurt somebody. You need to go. And if that's what he's given you, I would not fight that. I would accept that. I think that's closer to like what it is.
Okay. Well, here's what I'm going to do for you. Okay. I can't do a whole ton. I'm so glad that you're in counseling. Please continue to go. Um, I would I want you to sit down with a counselor and tell the counselor you met with another mental health professional and that I told you to explicitly clarify and this is you part of you and I know you've never been allowed to do this. So, this is day one. I want you to throw your shoulders back and put your head up, put your chin out and look this therapist in the eye as equals. Y'all are both people just trying to do right in the world. And I want you to look the therapist in the eye and say, "I had another mental health professional that I talked to told me to ask you directly." When you said, "This is totally normal and this is just part of being a newlywed with a new kid." Were you talking about communication challenges or were you talking about him shoving me to the ground? Put that person on the spot and get that clarity. Okay. My hope is this therapist was saying, "I will not tolerate violence. I'll call it in." And everybody struggles with communication challenges, right? Yeah. That's my hope. If not, okay, if the therapist was saying, "No, no, no. Everybody kind of shoves around each other a little bit. That's okay." Then I want to know cuz I'm going to file on their license. Okay. Okay. So, get that kind of clarity. If you get the clarity and it's what I'm saying I'm hoping it is, then you can continue to stay there. But I want you to get some very clear I want to talk through what being safe looks like. What's a safety plan is the words we use in the biz. I want to develop a safety plan. Okay. Okay. That's number one.
Number two, here's a couple of things I'm going to give you. All right. I'm going to give you my buddy Ken Coleman's book. It also has an assessment in there. for what kind of jobs, what kind of careers do I want? And I want you to do take that assessment and read that book. It's really, really short. And it might give you opportunities and ideas for life beyond just the factory. Okay. Okay. I'm also going to send you Financial Peace University. All nine lessons. It's digital. You can watch them at home by yourself. And I'm guessing nobody ever taught you about money and how it works and taking care of it and how to save it and how to all that. I want you to do that and it's going to I'm going to give it to you for free and I just want you to watch those videos at home by yourself and I want you again to feel yourself standing up a little bit taller. You're going to have this insight. You're going to have knowledge. You're going to have wisdom and you're going to have a path. Okay. The third thing I'm going to send you the Every Dollar app for free for a year. The good one. Like the not the good one, but they're all good, but like the premium version. Okay. Okay. And it's going to be able to help you keep a budget and start really tracking this stuff. Okay. so you can start looking at what does economic independence look like. Okay. Okay. I'm also going to send you building a non- anxious life. If you're not a reader, that's totally cool. But it's me giving you here is what living a free life feels like and looks like. And there's a path out there for you, too. Okay.