Transcription
This video is about a topic that I have been meaning to talk about for quite some time. And the reason I've been meaning to make this video is because a lot of people have actually requested it from me. And the reason I put off making this video for such a long time is because it's so much information. There is a lot to this topic.
I am going to talk about 13 signs that the person that you've been having sex with is actually a narcissist. And if you bear with me through to the end of this video, I will also tell you how to stop attracting narcissists into your life, into your intimate life, and stop drawing them in as sex partners. So I will help you learn how to spot narcissists, but also how to move away from them. Because often people find that it's not just one narcissist they found themselves with, but actually there's been a number of narcissists that unfortunately have come into their life, and they sort of see that they somehow have this tendency to actually attract them.
So first of all, who are narcissists and how do we identify them? So narcissists are usually people who can be quite charismatic, and they tend to sort of stand out in a crowd, or they like to try and stand out in a crowd. They can be mistaken for people who are quite confident because they will have the mannerisms and behaviors of someone that maybe sees themselves as quite confident. This is because they tend to see themselves as being quite special, and they really need other people to see them as being quite special. So these are not the wallflowers. These are not people who are quite introverted who want to actually drift in. These are people who actually will hold themselves in a certain way. They want to be seen. They need to be noticed. And they very much rely on validation from other people. So they're going to stand out a little bit.
Now, some narcissists are a bit more covert, and they will often come across as very friendly, very likable people. And even when you're trying not to go for a narcissist because you've learned all of the kind of, you know, arrogant tells that some of the more obvious narcissists might have, you might still end up being drawn to more covert narcissists. These are the people who come across as Mr. Nice Guy or Mrs. Nice Lady, and actually they're not really that kind when you really get to know them.
So without further ado, I'm going to go through the 13 signs to find out whether the person you've been having sex with is actually a narcissist.
Number one: The way that they see sex is confusing for the emotionally available person. Sex is about intimacy. It's about letting someone in, letting them get close to them, and being able to be vulnerable with another person. For the narcissist, it's about conquering someone. It's about gaining power over that person and getting that person to idolize them and see them in a certain light. Essentially, sex is a very controlling act for the narcissist. They want this person to see them as the best lover that they've ever had, and they really try to manage the person's idea of them and view of them in this situation. So narcissists tend to be quite controlling in sex. Now, this doesn't make them good or bad lovers because narcissists are selfish in bed. They will often be a bad lover, but also you will see the narcissist who actually is Casanova in bed, that they really do perform very well because actually this means that the other person is going to view them in a certain light.
Number two: They need to be idolized by you. So you are the source of the narcissistic supply. When you're in bed with a narcissist, they will need to see adoration. They will need to see reassurance from you that they are the best lover that you've ever had. As long as you're in awe with a narcissist, you're in awe of them, you think they're fabulous, wonderful, then the narcissist is getting what they want. And in the very early stages of the connection, I shouldn't really say connection, let's just say scenario with the narcissist, that, um, actually, as long as you're mirroring them and how they want to be seen, they're going to be quite happy. However, with time, that is going to get boring. So it only works in the early stages. But as long as they think that you see them as the best lover that you have ever had, then the narcissist is going to be happy in the short term. So they will be working pretty hard in the early stages to manage the view that you have of them and control this view. So their actions in the early stages of the encounter will be very much about trying to get you to mirror them in the way that they want to be seen by you.
Number three: They're right and you're wrong. So this is really difficult and emotionally draining for anyone who gets into an argument with a narcissist. Now, if you're a follower type of person and you see the narcissist as kind of superior to you and you kind of agree with them all of the time, then that's going to work fairly well for the narcissist. But once you start having an opinion and you start voicing that opinion, the narcissist is going to start putting you down and implying that they're absolutely right and you are absolutely wrong. And this is really confusing because it kind of leads to gaslighting because this can happen in conversations where maybe no one is right and no one is wrong. It's just a difference of opinions.
Now, if you have an empath, anyone who's got high levels of empathy or like relatively even dose of empathy, um, they care about other people's point of view. So they don't necessarily see themselves as right or wrong. They know what they believe in and they put those ideas forward, but they're also very interested in the ideas of another person. And then you have a nice two-way conversation and sometimes you can just debate some interesting topics and it never gets heated. With the narcissist, a lot of emotions are going to get triggered because of the way that the narcissist is responding to you, which is basically giving you the message that they are absolutely right and you are 100% wrong, regardless of what the topic is. And, um, you know, sometimes I think the hardest time is when no one is right and no one is wrong and nothing can be proven. But the thing here is that they're going to give you the message that your point of view, your beliefs, your opinions don't actually matter when it comes to a topic where they care about. So the narcissist is going to want to be perceived as right in certain topics. There might be a few things at the start that they let go, but when it actually comes down to things that matter to them, they are going to make you absolutely feel like your opinion does not matter at all. So when we're talking about sex, perhaps you might state your sexual preference, or you might state something about your sex lives, whatever you bring up, they are going to really believe that they are right and you are wrong. And you're going to go around in circles talking about these topics, and you're never going to reach resolution because the narcissist does not want resolution. They want to be in control of everything, including conversations, and they need to be seen as being right.
Number four: They believe that they know you better than you know yourself. So what you might find in conversations with narcissists is that they start telling you what you think, what you feel, what you believe, and what's actually right about things in your life. So an example of this is a client that I was working with, and she had a telephone call with someone that she'd met on a dating app. So it was like the first or second phone call, she didn't know them. And she just said something about her preferences. I think it was that she didn't want to disclose too much about a previous relationship too soon until she got to know the man a little bit more. And she just said, you know, I will tell you a little bit more about my past relationship with time, but it's still early days. And it was quite a complex, um, situation. If you don't mind, I wanted to see if we're going to get to know each other first before I reveal all. And then the narcissist said to her, you're afraid of intimacy. I can see this a mile away. I know what the problem is here. We're never going to work out because you're never going to let me in. This is probably how things go in all of your relationships. And, and the narcissist just started telling her what she was, how she is, what her problems are. And, um, and this was, this is a very difficult conversation for this lady to have because of course, she didn't know that she was dealing with a narcissist. This was like her first or second phone call with this man, and she was just launched with all this information about what he really believed she was, and he didn't know her at all. And so this was very confusing for the lady. She wasn't looking to get into an argument, but she felt very kind of, um, attacked by him, and she didn't really know what to do with this conversation. It was quite overwhelming for her. When she later stood back and was able to reflect on how that conversation went, she was able to see that there was something not quite right about this stranger sort of diagnosing her in this conversation and telling her all of these things that she was, without this man having very much information about her at all.
So the narcissist will often try to tell you what you are, what you think, what you believe, things that you don't see about yourself. So they become the expert in you, and this is their way of trying to control you. So they will often be very condescending, belittling, or putting you down, essentially in a very covert way by pretending to be the expert about how you think and feel, and what's going to happen in your life, and what you should do, and what you shouldn't do. Basically acting like you don't really know yourself very well, and you need their help and their guidance, and without them you are nothing. And, um, this is actually a type of gaslighting. And of course, when people are quite vulnerable and don't know themselves very well, they might latch on to a character who's sort of helpfully guiding them because usually the narcissist is not going to be saying these words with an angry tone. They're going to come across calm and helpful, and just like a confident individual who's just trying to guide them in the right way. So it's quite hard for people to actually see that what's happening in these situations is gaslighting. Of course, in some of these situations, narcissists can have an angry tone and it can come across a lot more abusive. But the confusing thing for a lot of people is that often this communication is very covert. The abuse in these situations is very covert abuse, and that's why these situations often go on for a long time before people recognize what's really happening in the situation.
Number five: They won't want to communicate about sex. So when you hit problems in the bedroom and you want to try and discuss these and resolve them, what's going to happen is that you're hit with a roadblock. The narcissist believes that they're right and you're wrong. So therefore, anything that you come up with or anything that you want to discuss with them, they will insist that their point of view is right. So even if you start to communicate about things to do with sex, you're not going to reach any resolution really, because they're right and you're wrong. Whereas actually, effective communication in a relationship is a two-way thing. Both people have to listen to one another, consider the other person's perspective in order to reach resolution. So therefore, the narcissist kind of always has to get what they want in sex, and that's going to be a very disappointing situation for most people. There are exceptions, and that's where the narcissist actually is very good at pleasing their lover because it helps them see themselves in the light that they want to be seen. But I'll talk a little bit more about that later.
Number six: Your needs and emotions do not matter. So initially, you meet the narcissist. They're a charismatic individual. They're very interesting. They've built their life and up in a certain way, or they've sort of orchestrated a life in a certain way where they come across as very attractive. But actually, as you get to know them and as they've kind of completed their wooing phase, when they feel they've already reeled you in, you'll start to notice more and more disappointment, upset, anger. A lot of emotions are going to be triggered in you because the narcissist does not care about your feelings whatsoever. So you want to really pay a lot of attention about feelings that are triggered in interactions with the narcissist. What does the narcissist trigger in you? How does their behavior make you feel? Take note of that. That's something really to pay attention to.
Number seven: There is something wrong with you. The narcissist has to hold the status in all situations with you. They have to perceive themselves as being the better one. They're your leader. They're looking after you. They're guiding you. They're the one who's in control, and you're kind of this person who just follows them. That's how they like to see things. So in order to hold the status in these situations, they're going to start pointing out your flaws or alluding to your flaws, depending if they're how covert they are. Um, but really, the narcissist needs to be seen as the higher person, the higher power, the person with the higher status. And this is for their ego. Their ego is quite fragile, so it needs a lot of massaging and it needs a lot of boosting. So they need to be the top dog in all situations, and that's going to be difficult, particularly in the bedroom.
Number eight: You're going to get devalued, ghosted, or ignored. So this is probably one of the most painful things about having sex with a narcissist. That in the beginning, everything is wonderful. They adore you. They've been really charming. They've just been absolutely a dream. And then they have you, and that's where they're going to devalue you. You don't matter to them anymore. And there's a number of reasons why. So one is that they're not actually getting the same high from you. So the validation that you did give them in the beginning, they're not really getting that high from your validation anymore. They get used to it. So their addictive nature and the fact that they get so addicted to the validation that others give them mean that you can only be a very good narcissistic supply in the beginning. And after that, you're going to do something wrong in their opinion, and they are going to devalue you. So initially, they're going to idolize you, and then bam, all of a sudden, you are not this wonderful person anymore. And you will have done something that they perceive as awful. They may or may not tell you. They might just ghost you very suddenly, and it's going to be really confusing for you as to why this amazing person had treated you so well and really valued you all of a sudden, does not value you anymore. And this might be from a small incident that you did, and it can be very confusing as to why this small incident has erupted into this huge thing that has really upset them. So sometimes they'll give you an explanation, sometimes they won't. But really, it comes down to the fact that they're not actually getting the same high from you anymore. Of course, they're never going to explain that because they don't understand it themselves. And then they're going to push you away. And what they will need from you at this point, and this is something that they really need for their ego, is that they need you to chase them and tell them again how wonderful they are because that's going to elicit a bit of a high in them. To be worshipped by you is really the ideal, and they may or may not respond to this depending on how they see you. And, um, and this will really be about how they think others see you. You know, do they place you of really high value, or actually are you just of no use to them anymore, completely? But regardless, they will want a lot of attention from you at this point when they distance themselves. Now, they distance themselves because they're not capable of true intimacy. So you're never going to get that closeness back, and that's going to be very difficult for someone who really felt something for this person in the beginning of the relationship. Often people will chase that feeling, and some people develop a bit of a love addiction here where they, they chase for a long time the feelings that they first had when they first dated the narcissist, but those feelings never come back again because the narcissist will never treat you how they once treated you. They will always sort of draw you in and then drop you. So sometimes it will be a whole cycle where they, they do a lot of push-pulling. And sometimes the narcissist will just devalue someone, discard them, and you won't hear from them again. It really depends on the situation. Um, there's all different patterns that can take place. But what we do know about narcissists is they really will idolize you in the beginning because you are their narcissistic supply, and then they're going to devalue you, and that's where they're going to distance themselves.
Number nine: They want to be in control all of the time. The more the narcissist can control and dominate you through the sex, the more they will actually use you and keep welcoming you back in. So sometimes the people that they let go are the ones that they actually know that they cannot control. However, when they feel they've got a lot of control and dominance over someone, that's often where they will keep drawing that person back into their life. So sometimes it's actually a case if you've been rejected by a narcissist and they've ghosted you permanently, it might be the case that they felt that they couldn't really control you, and that you weren't quite mirroring them in the way that they needed to be mirrored, that you weren't actually giving them the validation that they needed, and they didn't really feel that they had control over you. And that would be quite difficult for a narcissist. So expect a lot of controlling behavior, and a lot of manipulation and lies.
And that leads me to point number 10: They will lie. The reason why the narcissist lies is they don't have the empathy to not lie. They don't care enough about your feelings. Therefore, they don't really step back and think about how their lies might impact you. And they'll also lie to get what they want. If they lie, they can be in control and they can try to orchestrate things in the way that will benefit them.
Number 11: They're not kind people. So often narcissists can be really generous, and the reason they're quite generous is because that controls your perception of them. They need you to see them as kind, generous people. But actually, in reality, they're not kind, and they really don't care about pleasing you, with the exception of actually pleasing you in the bedroom because it boosts their ego. So it's not the case, as I mentioned previously, that narcissists are all bad lovers. Some of them are absolutely horrendous lovers because they don't care about your pleasure, and it's always about them, and they very much want to be pleased in the bedroom. But then there's the other type of narcissist, and this is where it gets a little bit hard to spot them, but actually they very much care about your pleasure, and they're wonderful lovers. And actually making sure that you're pleased and making sure that you have wonderful orgasms in the bedroom is really important to them because it boosts their ego, not because they actually care about your pleasure. And the way to spot those people is they're going to distance themselves after sex. If someone really likes to please you and they're very generous in the bedroom, those people won't actually disappear after sex. They're not going to distance themselves because they're emotionally available. The thing about narcissists is they're not emotionally available. So if you find that they're very pleasing lovers, watch what they do after they have sex with you. Do they pull away and distance themselves? Because actually, intimacy is not possible for them. And really, that's a sign that the orgasm that they gave you was actually about their pleasure and their ego, and not about your pleasure at all.
Number 12: They'll never apologize, or if they apologize, they won't actually mean it, and you will feel that they don't mean it. You'll feel that they're only apologizing just to keep the peace or to kind of get what they want. So an apology is not going to actually hold a lot of weight with you because you know that they're not actually apologizing because of how their behavior made you feel, and they're not concerned about the behavior that they did, and they're not concerned about your emotions. They might give some sort of an apology because they know that socially that's the right thing to do, but they're not actually apologizing because they know that they've hurt you and they feel bad about that. That's not how the narcissist operates. So if there is any conflict in the bedroom, and if you have been upset by anything that's happened in an intimate situation with the narcissist, they're not going to actually apologize and mean it, and that can be really frustrating and very upsetting for people.
My last point, number 13, to spot whether the person you've been having sex with is a narcissist, is that you won't truly emotionally connect with them. Now, emotions might be very high from time to time. In fact, it might be a whole emotional rollercoaster with the narcissist, and most likely that's going to be the case because your feelings are going to be affected so much in this endeavor, in this connect, again, say connection, situationship, uh, with the narcissist. But really, you don't actually get emotionally close to this person. There is no true intimate emotional connection because they've distanced themselves and they're not capable of true intimacy. They'll never let you in properly. And when you feel like you're getting close, usually something will happen where you end up having an argument, or they push you away, or they distance themselves. And really, you're probably going to experience a lot of pain. If you're having sex with a narcissist, of course, if you're having sex with narcissists, you're not, you might not be in a monogamous relationship with them. You might just be in a more casual situationship. But still, you're probably going to have your feelings affected. You're probably still going to get hurt because you'll notice that they're not actually respecting you and they don't care about how you feel. So actually telling yourself that you're just going to keep it casual with the narcissist because the sex is really good is not actually a very good idea because the narcissist doesn't care about how you feel. And in order to have a satisfying sexual relationship with someone, you need to be having sex with someone who actually has a bit of empathy and considers your emotions. Because when you get that close to someone, when you're having sex with them, it doesn't matter how casual you try to keep it, you're going to have to communicate with that person in some shape or form, and you'll notice there is going to be disappointments, upsets, and an entire lack of regard for your feelings.
So there's four additional things that I want you to note in relation to having sex with narcissists. So the first thing is that you might become somewhat addicted to them, and that's kind of scary, but it's true. Because when we have sex or affection or intimacy, I say intimacy is probably not that intimate in a really letting someone in sense, but when we receive affection or we have sex with a narcissist, it releases oxytocin and dopamine, and those neurotransmitters can be very addictive. So the reward circuit that takes place in your brain can really feel very good. And don't feel bad if you crave their affection and attention. You know, it's something that happens in the body. And anyone who's kind of vulnerable to that, some people of course are more vulnerable than others.
Which leads me to point number two, which is that there might be a trauma bonding situation taking place here. And trauma bonding is a really difficult thing that people experience. So the most apparent place that we see trauma bonding is domestic violence, where there's a lot of chaos, there's a lot of abuse, only for someone to just crave the love of that individual back again, even though they know they've been mistreated, and then they feel very close, and everything is amazing, and then this cycle goes on and on. Now, we see trauma bonding in a much more subtle way when people are just emotionally neglected. So in that kind of a cycle, the person receives a lot of love, a lot of attention, and then they're sort of ignored. The person distances themselves, and then the person actually feels the, the victim feels very much in pain and neglected, and they crave the, instead of going, actually, well, I don't ever feel that again, and and removing themselves from that situation. Um, again, this is to do with reward circuits in the brain, but that individual craves the love and affection back that's being withdrawn. And we see it, a type of addictive cycle taking place. Trauma bonding is most often seen in people who have experienced childhood emotional neglect or childhood emotional abuse or physical abuse, and it's a cycle that can really be very powerful. So don't underestimate how powerful trauma bonding can actually be. And it doesn't have to be people coming from the absolute worst backgrounds or worst early life experiences that fall into trauma bonding patterns. This is a very common type of human pattern that we see where someone experiences some type of abuse or neglect in a relationship, only to crave the love from the perpetrator back. And it's like they only want the perpetrator to sue them. No one else will do. Um, it's a very difficult cycle for people to get themselves into. And, um, and often it's kind of a love addiction cycle. That's not a diagnostic term or anything, but it's kind of a label that helps people understand what happens in the situation, basically craving a substance that's, uh, or a situation that's very much not good for them. And people can break out of trauma bonding, but I think the first thing is to actually be aware that you're in a trauma bonding situation. And that's really any situation where your needs are consistently not met, and you feel pretty negative emotions on a consistent basis in a romantic or sexual situation with someone.
Point number three: They do not change. People with high narcissistic traits will not change. So don't get involved in wishful thinking here, and don't keep giving this person chance after chance after chance. If you've identified high levels of narcissism in an individual, don't believe that they're ever going to change. They absolutely will not. And if the person that you're in a sexual relationship with meets all of the 13 points that I've mentioned in this video, then you're dealing with someone who's got very high levels of narcissism, and you're not going to see change in that individual. Narcissists don't tend to go to therapy very often, in fact, almost never. The only time we really see narcissists in therapy is when they absolutely have their hearts broken, which is not very often. But when they do have their hearts broken, they will sometimes temporarily engage in a little bit of therapy. But what we also find is that narcissists use therapy as being a kind of stage for their narcissism. They like to turn up, tell their story, they like the therapist to be in awe of them, and then they pay the money and they leave. And they want to do that week after week without actually doing any hard work that therapy requires. Um, so good therapists will just tell a narcissist that actually they can't help them. Now, as humans, we actually all have traits of narcissism, and it's really only the people with very, very high narcissistic traits that can't change. Um, and the reason we've all got narcissistic traits is actually a little bit of narcissism is healthy. It helps us get things done. In fact, I probably wouldn't be making this video if I didn't have a little bit of narcissism, just like everyone else. It kind of motivates us to do things in life. Um, without narcissism, we just wouldn't really do anything. But it's when the traits of narcissism reach extraordinary high levels that's where we, we get someone who's incredibly resistant to change.
So my final point is to help you identify what kind of people tend to be drawn to narcissists. So some of the people that tend to be drawn to narcissists are people who have codependency issues. So these are people who need to be needed, and they need to actually be validated by another person, and that's the kind of person who might find it hard to walk away from the narcissist. Another type of person might be someone who's experienced childhood emotional neglect or abuse. So actually, if it's familiar to them to be ignored and their emotions not to be considered very much, then they're going to find themselves in a relationship with a narcissist because that kind of stuff is familiar to them. You might also have people who just don't have a lot of experience with relationships, and they might go for a narcissist because they just don't have anything to compare it to, so they don't really know that it's an unhealthy relationship.
So finally, I want to just give you some tips on how to step away from this situation. Well, the very first thing is to identify that you are in a sexual relationship situation with a narcissist, and for you to make an agreement with yourself that actually this situation is not good enough for you, and it's never going to be fulfilling. It's going to consistently cause you pain, and more pain, and more pain. And then I would like you to take note of every time that this individual that you're connecting again, I say connecting, that you're allowing into your life, um, has upset you, disappointed you, sparked an emotion in you. Do not ignore your, note your emotions here. Take very careful note of them. They are the clues to help you get out of this situation. Negative emotions are negative, are never negative, is what I like to say, because negative emotions will actually help guide you in life. They're a warning sign. They're trying to tell you something. And in the situation with the narcissist, your negative emotions are the clues and the red flags that are telling you to get away from this person. So don't ignore your emotions. If you feel anxious in front of the narcissist, which is usually the sign that you will experience on a first date with a narcissist, you're going to feel nervous. And the reason that you're going to feel nervous on a first date with a narcissist is they're going to be looking down on you, and that doesn't feel comfortable. So listen to the fact that you feel nervous on a first date with a narcissist. You feel nervous because they're looking at you like you're not good enough, and they're superior. That would make anyone feel anxious. Don't interpret it as first date nerves or social anxiety, because this, this anxiety will be more than what you normally feel in situations with someone. So look out for the anxiety that you experience upon first encounter, because they will be carrying themselves in a way where they feel they are better than you, and that will carry out throughout the situation with the narcissist. They will always need to see themselves as being better than you. So pay attention to every single emotion that you experience. And if this becomes a regular thing, if in early stages with this person, they've already triggered three very negative emotions in you very early on, then that's enough. I would then say to you, maybe try and have a conversation with this person about how their behavior has made you feel. And if they shut you down at that point, that's a big sign that you're in a situation with someone that you cannot have a relationship with or a situationship with. And this is someone that I would strongly advise you to not be having sex with, otherwise you're going to end up experiencing a lot of disappointment, a lot of pain, and it's not going to be satisfying for you. There is enough people in the world for you to be finding someone who is incredibly kind and compassionate, and those kind of people are going to make much better lovers.
If you've enjoyed this video, subscribe to my channel and remember to click the bell icon if you want to be notified about more content that I make.