Transcription
Greetings everyone and welcome to today's program. We are at St. Mary and St. Deiana convent in Atlanta and with me today I have Mother Eustina. We're going to be learning more about her personal story. I know that you guys are going to learn a lot from what we're going to be discussing shortly. Make sure you stay with us until the end.
I am here with Mother Sarah and we're going to be asking her a few questions about her personal journey and what brought her here and a little bit about her experience.
"Thank you so much, Mother Eucina, for being willing."
"Thank you so much for having me."
"Yes, of course. Of course. And um so we can dive right into it. If you can tell us more about how uh you came to this specific convent and what made you decide to become a nun?"
"Um so as a little girl I always thought that when we grew up we had to be get married and have kids. I didn't think um any other lif style was an option. Um, my mother used to always have for us saints movies and saint stories at at our house all the time. So I remember one time when I was about seven or eight years old, I was listening to a cassette of a audio story of Saint Indiana story and I was listening to it for the first time and I was very intrigued by um her life story because from such a young age and only child coming from a very wealthy family, not a wealthy background, um she chose to dedicate her entire life um to Christ and she refused marriage. So, um, that was very admirable to me because like I said, I didn't know that that was an option that we had the option to do that, but also the idea of someone choosing to leave the world and dedicate their life to Christ because they love him so much was very um it was very intriguing for me. Um, so I would say that St. Dimeian is the first uh figure in my life that kind of sparked that interest in monasticism for me from a young age. And then uh as I became a teenager around the age of 14 or 15, the desire for monasticism was very strong within me in my heart. Although I had never visited a convent, I had never uh seen a nun or talked to a nun. at I believe at that time the US still didn't have any convents for for girls. Um so what I did was uh I I shared it with my father of confession that desire um cuz I was told that's what I should do. Um and from then on he was my guide and my support throughout all these years and I shared with him all my you know my thoughts my concerns my feelings towards this path. Um and then there was also at that time another figure uh mother II was the she's one of our modern saints. She was the abbis of Abu Sufian's confident old Cairo and she was known as the pearl of female monessism because she's the one who revived female monessism. So back in the day, uh, female monessism was something that was looked down upon. It wasn't something that it was known for people who were like, uh, uneducated or handicapped or widowed. It wasn't it was it wasn't known for someone who came from a wealthy background or who was educated to enter the the the convent. Um, so she um after she became abbis, she changed all of that. she revived the female man system in terms of so after that anyone who entered the convent had to be educated for some time."
"Okay."
"Um you know they had to have their approval of their parents. Uh she had the system of the communal life, the communal prayers and all that. Um, and from her stories and from her her movie and just listening to her and how she talked about like heaven and God and how heaven was so close to us and having like living a life with God, anyone who lives that kind of life close to God is, you know, filled with love and peace and joy. Uh, so she played a very huge and important role in that also in that interest in massism. Uh and then as I got older, I used to visit uh there there was a convent that opened in Ohio along with this one here. Um so I used to go visit in the summer whenever I could and I would take individual retreats and I would always sit with one of the mothers and you know ask questions uh so I can know whether this was um this life was for me or not. Um about my first time visiting this convent was about 4 years ago and I would say that the very first time from the very first visit I just felt that I was I was at home."
"Really?"
"Yeah. I had come with a group of girls from my church."
"Okay."
"And it was a retreat."
"It was Yeah. It was a high school girls retreat and I was their their coordinator and it was very hard for me to go back home."
"Really?"
"Yeah. So after that I visited 2 weeks afterwards by myself and that's when I spoke with one of the mothers that was responsible for the noviceses and I shared with her my interest and my desire. But I was very scared because I wasn't sure whether this was for me or not or it was just my emotions because I was in the place."
"Um so from then on she encouraged me to reach out to his eminence and by"
"Ysef"
"and everything moved very fast from then on. Um I came to I left and then I came back after 4 weeks or so and I saw Seedna and um I stayed here for six more weeks and then I just decided to join after that. Wow."
"Yeah. So everything moved very very fast in a very short period of time."
"Yeah. But you had that desire since a young age, right? The desire of living."
"Correct. But um"
"you know from my understanding though because of all the people that I used to talk to, that desire can come to a lot of us when we were little."
"True. Um so it's uh it wasn't the right time at that age whether I was a a teenager or even in college to know whether it was"
"to make any moves or to take any steps."
"Tell us a little bit about your experience."
"Sure. Um it's a pleasure to be here and to share with all of you. So, um, what brought me here really, it's it's just an encounter with Christ. And so, uh, having that encounter in the world and just having, uh, an intimate relationship with him in the world and growing in love with him in the world. Um, and as that deepened and as that grew, I just felt more and more in my heart to to live a life of of contemplation, a life of solitude, a life of just being with him alone where it's just him and I. And so, uh, that's what drew me to monastic life is just a life of of just being with him, just him and I."
"Yeah."
"Yeah."
"Was it a hard decision to make?"
"Um, to be honest, it wasn't. Um, and it's just because it was, you know, you know, you fall in love with somebody and then you just want to be with them and so wherever he wants you to go, you go with him. And so that's all it was. It was a joyful experience. It was saying like, I want to go with you. I want to go with you wherever you lead me. Wherever you want me to go is where I want to be, you know. And so, uh, so he said, 'Here.' And I said, 'Yes, please.' Like, 'I'll go wherever you want me to go.' And, and, uh, and this is where he led me. And so, um, it's a joy to be here."
"Yeah."
"Um, some people that might be starting to think about, you know, joining the monastic life, uh, what advice do you have for them?"
"Um, so I mean I think my main thing is is is to focus on falling in love with Jesus truly like anybody thinking about monastic life or just figuring out where they want to go with their life or their their path in life. Um, I just think fall in love with Christ, have an intimate relationship with him and then let him lead you where he wants you to go. It's not about figuring out our path or figuring out our destination. It's about having a relationship with him and being in that intimacy with him. And then he can lead you to wherever he wants you to be. Because at the end of the day, it's about becoming holy. It's about becoming his image. It's about his glory and us glorifying him like through our life. And so with that, in that intimate relationship, he will speak to our hearts as to what that looks like as to what that path looks like for each of us."
"Yeah. And did you become a nun recently? Tell me a little."
"Yes, I did become a nun very recently. And so I've been here for a few years, but I recently got consecrated about um about two months ago. Uh about a month and a half ago. I haven't even hit two months yet. And so um yes, very recently. Um I have to say, um hands down best day of my life. Uh truly such a joy. such a joy to just uh uh becoming a nun means I I'm consecrated to Christ. It means all all of me is his, you know, um while I'm, you know, living every day and growing in that every day to to to live as his. Um it's truly the most joyous thing is is to be is to be Christ is to completely belong to him. And so it it's the best day of my life."
"Yeah."
"And you said you were here for a few years. So um it's not just nuns who are living here."
"Yes, that's correct. And so we enter in there are uh three different phases. So we enter in the first uh phase you're called a candidate and uh that just lasts for a few months uh and then you become a sister or a novice. Uh so you enter the community uh more fully and um you live as a sister or a novice. The period of being a sister um lasts maybe 3, four, 5 years. you know, uh this is where you're discerning the life and just making sure that uh this is the life for you. Making sure that uh you know, you're comfortable here and uh this is where God has called you cuz you know uh it's it's a big decision once you you are consecrated and so um that's it. So you live a novice for a few years and then by God's grace uh you are consecrated as a nun."
"Okay. And that's everyone goes through that, right? 3 four years before becoming a nun."
"Yes. Exactly. Everybody goes through that. Yes. Okay."
"It wasn't like a specific moment, right? Or was do you think it was a specific moment when you realized, okay, this is I know this is where I belong."
"Um, yes and no. It wasn't like a very specific moment where I was"
"it was that just that time period um"
"where I I felt very strongly that I didn't want anything from the world. I was ready and at that time I was I was I graduated college. I was already working so I had that kind of experience. So I tested you know life in the world."
"Um so just being here back to back within just a few weeks and after talking to even before talking to his eminence I made my decision that I wasn't going to go back. Um I always say for that time period I always say that when God opens the door no one can shut it. And at that time I would say that I felt that the doors were open for me. I didn't feel like there was any obstacles in my way in my path at all."
"Beautiful."
"Through the grace of God. Yeah."
"Beautiful. Yeah. And how did your family respond?"
"So"
"they were very supportive because they knew from my that they knew the that I had this desire for a really long time."
"Um it was a little bit shocking and emotional for them as they would imagine it would be for any other family. Um but they were supportive of it and um yeah that they they knew cuz I was here for some time also. I took some time off from from work and I was here for over a month and a half. So they they kind of got the hint after some time that I was preparing to live here forever. And I think one of the things that helped you as well was that your parents made you guys watch the saint stories at a young age and you learned the stories of the saints."
"Yes. I would say my mother also played a huge role in that because if if it wasn't for her, I wouldn't have grew up in that kind of environment and"
"learned about all these saints"
"in this lifestyle as well."
"Four years here. What is one thing that you didn't expect and that just surprised you?"
"I guess the I had this idea of being in the convent that my life was going to be just a life of concentrated on prayer all the time."
"Okay. Uh so I think even in the beginning when I first joined it was it was kind of challenging at first because I wasn't"
"it was hard to kind of balance it all because you know our day starts at 4:00 a.m. we have to and then liturgy right after it and then a very very short break and then we have work and then meetings or then prayers and so but what I learned with time is that uh service and the convent plays a huge role in our spiritual lives um in our spiritual growth and uh our obediences uh the communal life our interactions with one another helps us grow in virtue and you know we we need each uh you know for to support each other and to also help each other grow in virtues you know."
"Yeah. Yeah. And I like what you just mentioned you uh supporting each other growing together spiritually and how do you see that in this specific convent like the sisters helping each other spiritually. How's that?"
"Well, we're all very different. We're all very different and we're all very unique in our own ways and we all have different virtues. cuz we all have different strengths and and weaknesses."
"Um so someone who is um who's always focused on the goal and um tries to always see what God is trying to teach them in every situation uh can learn although they're they're struggling with a with a certain situation or a certain person because they're different. M uh so being different and unique in our in our own ways and having our own strengths and our own weaknesses that all helps us u to become flexible and to learn humility and love and to grow in all these virtues."
"How does your day look like? What activities do you do you know and tell me a little bit about the prayers as well?"
"Uh so our day starts at 4:00 a.m. uh with midnight praises. Um, if there it's a non-fasting period, we usually have uh sbah from 4:00 to 6:00 a.m. and then we'd have mattens and liturgy from 6:00 to 8:00 a.m. And then uh there would be like a rest for about an hour or so depending on each department or where you're working. And then PE you can have a break and your cell time and then uh we have work. We usually work for about 6 hours a day and then we have uh a lunch break as well and then usually work ends around 4:00 p.m. 5:00 p.m. in the evening and then we have uh evening prayers for a day of prayers in the evening where we pray um the 9inth hour to veil if it's a non-fasting day and then usually the evening is for personal quiet time for the nun to finish her own personal prayers her her canon her cell time any of her personal spiritual meetings um it's very similar for a spir for a fasting day the fasting day is would be the same thing it says from 4:00 to 6:00 a.m. and then there's a break after that and then work and then we have liturgy from 12:00 to 2:00 [snorts] and then it's the same it's the same thing. It's just the difference in the the time the schedule of the the for the liturgy is what is what changes."
"I see. [snorts] And what is your personal obedience or responsibility?"
"Uh I'm responsible for cleaning the cleaning department for uh indoors for some of the buildings that are for the community."
"Okay. And then also for outdoors in terms of like making sure that the place is always, you know, clean and enjoyable for any of the retreat people that come so they can enjoy their, you know, their retreat."
"And how many nuns are currently in this convent?"
"Um, yes."
"Yeah. We're roughly um about 28ish, I think. I think that's where Yeah."
"Okay. Okay. And uh was there a specific moment when you knew that this was your calling or was it something that was always just on in your thought?"
"Um I wouldn't say it was a specific moment. Uh it's more of um a direction that God uh led me through. And so, um, it is just as I, as I spent more and more time with him, um, he led my heart in this direction of just wanting to be with him all the time, you know. Um, it wasn't a specific moment. It was like I was in the world living my life just spending time with him, but then I realized just more and more that I wanted to spend more and more time with him and less doing other things. And so, it just kind of led in this direction uh, rather than like a specific decisive moment. Yeah."
"Yeah. And how did your family respond to this news when you sold?"
"Yeah. Um it's it was not easy. Um so you know it's difficult for for a family because they um to to them you're leaving you know um you're leaving them and so uh just the fact that I was going to be uh secluded away from the world and away from them was not easy for them. But uh God gives such such grace to our families. Um truly he he gives them such blessings. He takes care of them. He's the one watching over them. And truly I believe that um they're on their own personal journeys just like we are. And so just like we discern this path and um they're also in they're on their personal journeys to discern being the family of a monastic. And so they're on their journey as well. And uh thank God by his grace. I mean, while it's difficult for them to lose me um as their daughter and uh but uh they're truly happy for me. They're they're happy that I'm here and that I get to live this life for Christ. And so so thank God it's been great."
"Yeah. Yeah. And what has surprised you the most about monastic life?"
"Um yeah, that's an interesting question. So what has surprised me the most? I think um it's it's the self-discovery."
"I think uh you know the more that we spend time with Christ uh the more um we intimately get to know him, he also reveals himself uh himself to us and reveals ourselves to us. That makes sense, you know, uh like we we get to know each other ourselves more and we get to know our true selves, you know, here away from the world uh an intimate relationship with him. a lot of our masks come off and um just kind of like that that outer layer comes off and uh we get to discover who we are in Christ and who we are called to be and are meant to be in Christ. And so I think that's I think the most surprising thing for me is just discovering myself a new and discovering who he's created me to be and who he wants me to be for his glory."
"Yeah."
"Yeah."
"And how's that going so far?"
"It's a journey. Um, so you know, some of it it's definitely an up and down path. It's not smooth, you know. Um, we we found we we get to find out our strengths and we also get to find out our weaknesses, uh, our struggles and the things that, you know, um, so so it's not a it's not a smooth journey. It's definitely up and down, but God is so gracious. He's so tender when he reveals anything to us. And so even when he's revealing you know uh those difficult parts in in our hearts you know um he's so gentle and so tender and uh so so even in the difficult you know he's there and it's it's a beautiful journey."
"Yeah."
"And what are some unspoken challenges that nuns usually face?"
"Unspoken challenges. Um I don't know. Uh do we have any challenges? I mean, I guess um I think it's just the challenge again of of understanding that um that I'm on a journey of being restored"
"and so so is everybody else here."
"Uh you know, and so we're all on the path to holiness. We're all working out, you know. So, so no one is perfect here. No one has got it all figured out. And so the challenge of just living with myself and with others that are all of us are not yet restored. We're all on that journey. we're all being transformed has its own challenges um that thank God the grace of God covers. Yeah."
"And have you um has your relationship with God deepened since you came here?"
"I'd like to think so. I'd like to think that it has deepened. Um, again, just like any other relationship, when we spend more time with a person,"
"um, we grow in intimacy, we grow in vulnerability, we grow in a sense that I'm able to share more with him, share more of my heart with him, and he's able to share more of his heart with me. And so I I feel like that's the way that it's deepened. It's has become more intimate, you know, more um just getting more glimpses, you know, of of of his characteristics and who he is and and sharing more of myself with him as well."
"Okay."
"Yeah."
"And what keeps you busy during the day and you know the other nights?"
"What keeps us busy? Um well, we have our prayers. So, we have communal prayers. We start our day with midnight praises. Our midnight praises start at 4:00 a.m. And so we we we start with praising God um from about it depends on the season of the year. Um but we normally end at about 6ish and then depending on the season um we either have liturgy right after midnight praises or sometimes liturgy is later in the day and they're they're split. So we normally have praises in the morning and then either liturgy is right after or we uh pray the liturgy sometimes later in the afternoon. Uh and then we also meet for communal prayers of the uh the book of hours ora which is the book of of the hours. Um we pray that in the evening as well uh we meet together at 5:00 p.m. for communal prayers. And then in between that uh we all have our respective what we call obediences which are our work assignments where we are doing. So there are people who work just serve in different areas in the convent whether they serve in our bookstore or they serve in cleaning the church or where they serve in making us food in the kitchen or just in different um areas of of work in the convent. So we do our work throughout the day. Uh and then we also definitely have our personal prayer rule where we we we spend time uh with God alone in our cell. And so we also have our psalms to pray and our personal like Bible reading and spiritual reading and praying the Jesus prayer and prostrations and just um that's what really fosters our intimate relationship with Christ is is our time in herself. And so that's how we spend our day."
"Yeah."
"Yeah. And about the community, would you say it's kind of like every nun to herself like um separate from the rest or would you say it's like a community based like you get to talk to each other more often? How does how does that work?"
"Um so it is it's kind of a hybrid. Okay. And so um you know not to go too much into history but you know Nasism started with St. Anthony. It was all separated."
"Okay. Uh and then uh there was like the Bahamian way of of living which was all completely together. Everything was communal. They did everything together. And we're kind of in the middle between that. And so we definitely have our own selves and our own time alone with God. Um but we also meet for prayers together and do some things communal. Uh we do spend time with each other obviously like in our work and our obedances. But at the same time, we really try to foster even when we are together um a prayer life, you know, so that when we're together, everything is about God and we have spiritual conversations and um we're still spending that time just so we don't lose that inner contemplative life with God. Um by by just, you know, um spending time or doing other idol things. Um so it's really a hybrid here of everyone doing their own thing, but also we come together for some communal prayers. Mhm. Yeah."
"And I know there are other convent or like monasteries around the United States. Uh why did you choose this one?"
"Um a very simple answer for me. Uh this is the one that I knew. Uh it wasn't uh that I specifically like I um I had visited here before. I absolutely love it here. I love uh our abbott um Ambusef. And uh I just I I experienced God here. I felt him here. And this is where he drew my heart. And so I said yes. I I I didn't really think of too much about it. Yeah. Yeah."
"Yeah. Okay. What final message do you have for the people watching? So if you can focus on the people who are thinking of living a life of a monastic life. So and also um people who chose you know the life of the worldly life but how they can grow spiritually. So both. Yeah."
"Okay. So let's let's let's answer the spinastic one first. Um, usually when any girl comes and asks for advice, um, I usually tell her number one, make sure that the father of that she has a father of confession and that she shares with him her thoughts and to be consistent with meeting with him and to have a spiritual cannon. Um, I say don't be afraid. Uh, come visit the convent and have spiritual retreats as much as you can on your free time if you're able to. Um, and when the time is right, uh, God will let you know. You will, you will see that there's no obstacles in your way at all. You'll just know because like I said earlier, the door will be open for you. Um, as for people who chose to live and serve in the world, uh, I tell them because there are a lot of distractions, right? you know um the worldly distractions and they might be busy with work and you know they the friends the people that you they might surround themselves with might not be Christians. There are so many different um obstacles and challenges to grow their spiritual faith. So long."
"Uh so I always tell them whenever they're struggling with anything in the world, I always say that uh nothing in the world is worth our anxiety or our care, our distraction from our relationship with God. Uh our life is just a vapor on this earth. Um, so I always tell them to to make sure to cling to God even if they feel that their prayers are not being heard or they're not improving or any of that. Like to always go to church, to have a relationship with God, to talk to him as if you were talking to one of your friends. um all these distractions whether it's social media or our relationships with people who are not having us focused on Christ. Um, it's just not nothing in this world in this life is worth taking away from our salvation."
"That's what I always tell. It's just not worth it."
"Yeah."
"Yeah."
"Beautifully said and straightforward. Yeah. And can you tell me some of the scriptures, verses or hymns that helps you when you struggle? For example, you know, there are a lot of challenges that uh we face in our day. What hymns or scriptures helps you?"
"Um, personally, this Romans 8:28 and we know that all things happen for good to those who love God and to those who are called according to his purpose has always been um one of my favorite verses even before joining the convent because I know that no matter what tribulation or hardship I go through, I know it's God is allowing it for my spiritual benefit and for my spiritual growth. So no matter how much I'm struggling in the midst of the confusion or the pain or just accepting or being thankful even for the hardship or the difficulty that I'm currently going through, I know and I trust in God that everything that is happening is happening for my benefit. And I might not understand why it's happening now, but I hope that it will make sense sometime later, whether it's right away or a couple of years. I I will look back on it and thank God for sure that it happened. Do you have any message or blessing you would like to offer for those watching this?"
"Um, yeah. I mean, I think I've said it before, but it's like the only thing I have, which is to truly fall in love with Christ. Um, he's so beautiful. He loves us so much. and uh an intimate relationship with him, you know, is worth the world, you know, like nothing else matters. And so it's just to to encounter his love and to feel his love and to grow in that love and and for us to pursue that aggressively like I I understand that, you know, that we're distracted in so many things, so many things in the world and here, you know, we can be distracted too if we're not careful. So I think we need to be very intentional about our relationship with Christ and about union with him and just falling in love with him. You know, our Christianity is is about a relationship. It's not about a checklist of dos and don'ts and rules. Um, those things are important and they're there for a reason, but it's about an intimate relationship with Christ and and just experiencing him and falling in love with him. So just for all of us, including myself, uh to pursue him aggressively. Thank you so much for allowing this discussion to happen. I really appreciate you."
"Thank you so much."
"Thank you. And I hope you guys learned from this discussion. We have come to the conclusion. We're going to see each other in another program. I really hope you guys learned through this as well. May God be with us all. Amen. Amen."