She Smoked Crack at 13, Sold Her Body for Meth, Now She's Clean, Clear & Full of Fight. #RealStories

Was uh, I was 13 years old. First time I ever smelled crack. I ended up getting pregnant at 15, and my son came out mixed. He did not come out white. I got five kids, so I'm like a really shitty lesbian. But um, I go to the hospital, and that's when my addiction kind of started because I started taking [ __ ] Vicodin. 18 years old. I don't know the dangers of prescription [ __ ] pills.

Then when I turned 21, I started dating this stripper. I met [ __ ] Ron Jeremy's [ __ ] creepy ass. I didn't know who he was. I I just get done going to the bathroom. I'm washing my hands, and some [ __ ] sweaty ass spooky dude comes up behind me and reaches around me. I [ __ ] elbow check him. Was like, "Do you know who that was?" And I was like, "No, what the [ __ ] is he, dude?" He's like, "That's Ron Jeremy." And I was like, "So the [ __ ] Who is that?" And then, yeah. I found out who Ron Jeremy was that day. Um, and he he would just start downtalking me and treating me like [ __ ]. And I'm like, "Yeah, I know I'm a [ __ ] crackhead. I know I'm a prostitute. You're the one that called me. Remember? I didn't [ __ ] call you. I didn't seek you out on the internet. You found me. You knew what I was when you called me." So, I started taking $1,000 out a day. And I got caught after like the 21st day. Um, you did it for 21 days. So, I I $20,000 from him. Yes, I did. Yes, I did. Oh my god. I was going to go to Texas.

This podcast contains raw, unfiltered stories about addiction, including references to drug use, violence, and criminal behavior. It's not for kids, Karens, or the easily offended. We're here to tell the hard truth, not sugarcoat the chaos. Listener discretion is strongly advised. Now, let's get into it. All right, guys. Thanks again for tuning in to Breaking Chains, the sober mindset. I'm Rodney, and today we have Rachel all the way from my hometown of Peoria, Illinois. How you doing, Ra?

I'm doing good. How are you doing?

Awesome. We had a little technical difficulty earlier, but we got it straightened out. Thank you very much for making the road trip to Wi-Fi. Welcome, welcome, welcome.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. I can hear you way better now.

Yeah, this is night and day. It looks amazing. All right. Well, we got a lot to unpack, so we're going to go ahead and get it started and knock this out. Um, how long you been sober?

Uh, 18 months.

18 months. Yep. You're looking fresh. You know, the the skin, you know, looks fresh on us sober people.

Yeah. Yeah. Definitely feel a lot better. Don't have any craters in my face no more.

Nice. Nice. Yeah, that that's rough stuff. Um, so as far as um where you grew up, you grew up in Poria, Illinois.

Uh, yeah, in a little small town, uh, Bartonville. It's Poria County. So, yeah, born and raised there. I've, uh, I've drank and done many drugs in Bartonville.

Yeah. I mean the it's a population of like 6,000, and we have like 12 bars.

Yeah. Right. And the town actually probably more than that. You're bordering right up on the south side of Poria. So it's it's it's Poria basically just with a with a highway dividing it. That's about it. So tell me a little bit about your childhood and um what it was like to grow up in uh Bartonville.

Um, so I am the youngest of five. Um, I got three older brothers and I got an older sister. Um, so I was the baby, you know, so rules didn't really apply to me. Well, they did. I just I just didn't listen. But, uh, you know, I mean, I had a pretty pretty decent childhood. The reason I don't know the reason I like to ask about people's childhood because normally generally, you're going to find somebody that's an addict or has a drinking problem, you know, drug or drinking problem comes from a a terrible childhood with all kinds of trauma and molestation and and all kinds of just crazy stuff happening to them. But that didn't happen to you.

Yeah. Well, I mean, I had the normal like my cousin touched on me and stuff when I was little, but like I mean, you know, that's you know, that's like everybody, but mine was my neighbor.

Yeah. Yeah. So, that's funny. So, nothing too crazy growing up.

No, not really. Um, I did I did get raped when I was 11. Um, I was coming home from my uh friend Aby's house. She just lived like a block away, like two blocks away from uh my parents' house growing up. When I was coming home, the street lights had come on. When I was supposed to be home before the street lights, and I'm like just dipping it through the woods and I get snatched up and no way kind of and uh I don't I don't know how but like I I had blocked it out of my that that moment out of my memory uh for years up until I was like in my mid-20s, and that's that's when I started like drinking a lot more and um hold I got to take one of these out because it feels weird with both of them in fine trying to talk, but uh yeah, no I had blocked that out of my memory for like 10 15 years. It wasn't until I was I was like 11 when it happened, and I was probably like 26 um when like it was just like a [ __ ] wall opened up and just like all those memories came back. I was freaking sitting at a bar and uh Tina's [ __ ] coach stop and uh I just remember doing a couple shots and I I did uh my first I did a line of freaking coke and that was the first time I had done a line right [ __ ] since I was like 13.

Sure. And it was just like [ __ ] like the floodgates opened up of like all these suppressed memories that I had of like [ __ ] and I was just like holy [ __ ]. Isn't that crazy?

Um, so there was definitely trauma, but it didn't it didn't hit you till later in life, which that sounds like was that something that you feel like triggered you towards that that spiral.

Um, yeah, I do I do feel like I feel like it was because um I mean when I when I was a teenager, you know, when I was a kid I I was a [ __ ] I was a rebel. I was a I was a little [ __ ] I was I was an [ __ ] kid, you know. First time I drank a beer, I was [ __ ] like 11 years old or 10 years old, sneaking out of my dad's cooler and [ __ ]. Um, smoking weed at at like 12. Our brother Josh, he he like started smoking weed and stuff. And he he he was a little he was a bad little kid, too. Yeah. When he was a teenager, but you know, like he he was in and out of freaking rehab and um doc like JDOC and stuff like that. So I was like, you know, tell I'm like I'm not as bad as him, you know, when I was little. So I kind of just like skated under the rug when I was using. I mean I was uh I was [ __ ] 13 years old. First time I ever smelt crack.

Wow. Like wow. [ __ ] 13. I I remember it too. I freaking detassled all summer. I got my little $600 check. I'm all excited. Um I have I have my brother's friend. I'm 13, right? I have my brother's friend. He was supposed to go up to the gas station and get me a fit of UV blue and a pack of Newport Shorts.

Oh my god, you were hitting it hard early.

Yeah. And uh Well, I mean, I was the I was the youngest, so like everyone I hung out with was like three or four years older than me, right? And like everyone would and like a lot of the the friends that I had that were females, they were only friends with me because they wanted to sleep with my brothers. So like, you know, I I'm a in sixth grade hanging out with freshmen, you know, like just because they're trying to get in with a little sister just so they can try and get, you know,

Well, you know, that's brother, but

Oh, yeah. But yeah, I had sent him to go get me a pack of cigarettes and and a 50 UV blue. And he comes back like two hours later and and I had handed him a [ __ ] $100 bill, you know. He was supposed to get me an ape of weed, too. That's right. He comes back like two hours later with what I know now is like little 20 pieces of crack and was like, "Here, smoke these." Next thing I know, he gets my whole [ __ ] $600. And like, and then I'm sitting there just feeling stupid as [ __ ].

Oh my god. You tassled all summer for for some crack and I bought a bike. That's a difference in our childhood.

He's Oh man, he totally hustled you out of your whole dasseline money, dude.

I know. That was probably like a month's worth of detasseline, wasn't it?

I don't know why. It was. Yeah. I mean, I think I think minimum wage was like five like 550 or something like that at the time or some [ __ ] like

Yeah. And it's And for people that don't know, walking beans and detassling corn is one of the hardest jobs to do, especially for a child. And if you're not on the machine and you're walking that [ __ ] it's like they're like 12 feet high and it's super wet and and cold in the morning. So, you got to wear long sleeves and then you're soaked and then it gets hot as [ __ ] in the afternoon and you get you have to take your shirts off. So, the corn just cuts the [ __ ] out of you all day and they just drive you hard, man. I bought a bike. You bought some crack and learned a valuable lesson.

No. Yes, I did. I did. Well, kind of. Kind of. So, you you were already hitting it um at 13 and your you had a younger brother that was uh in and out of juvie already. So, you kind of

Yeah. Well, he was older. He was older.

Oh, he was older. So that's what you had to look up to was him already, you know, being a little [ __ ]. The crazy thing was was like I was a three-sport athlete. I got good grades, you know, like I just I like to [ __ ] I I don't know what it was, but it was like just like that I I think I have like undiagnosed ADHD or some sort of [ __ ] mental thing because it was just like that moment when I get high or was get [ __ ] up. It was like my brain just like stopped and it just like shut up and like really I just I I like that. I recognize that. Yeah. I like I like that just like not constantly thinking, not constantly like you know because like when I first got into recovery I was just like gung-ho. And then now it's like I you know I uh got sober. I I moved to Champagne. So I went an hour and a half away from my hometown just so I could clean. And I lived there for about a year and um just recently about six months ago I moved back to Poria um just so I can be closer with my kids and stuff and I just kind of feel like I'm right back where I started before my addiction and like I'm back in the same place where like I didn't like you know I mean don't get me wrong I love my job um I love my co-workers and stuff but it's like I can be doing so much more than this like sure I went to I went to ICC for automotive technology I know how to do construction work. Um, I know how to do electrical, plumbing, freaking half ass at laying tile, and here I am freaking cooking for $18 an hour.

Oh, well, I was I was in a motorcycle accident last July.

Okay. So, my back's all [ __ ] up.

Got it. So, I am still going through physical therapy. I have to I got to go see a neurologist here um I think next Yeah. in August. uh get my brain scanned and I have to get my neck scanned because uh I still got a lot of freaking issues up in here and then in my lower back I have uh two bulging discs and a tear in my L4 and my L5 vertebrae. So doing those jobs I can't right now. You know I mean you're smoking crack at 13 obviously that comes with problems. So when did it first uh you noticed that it started to become a problem?

Um, I know. Yeah, it was probably like when I Yeah, I started when I was about 13 and then it was just like I would just do it whenever it was like available. I never really went out of my way to go and get it, you know. Um, plus my cousin, she she was a drug addict, too. So, she was I was pretty much getting my [ __ ] from her whenever. Um, and then let's see here. It I mean, it it really wasn't a problem in like my teenage years that I think anyway. It wasn't until like it was in my late 20s when I I spiraled off for like five years. That was really bad because uh like my teenage years, you know, I would just party on the weekends and stuff, this and that. And uh I got I ended up getting pregnant at 15.

Oh wow.

Um that's actually kind of a a funny [ __ ] story. So um here I am 15 years old. I'm a you know what, sophomore in high school. I'm in freaking JOTC. I got my little JOTC uniform on. When I go with my friend [ __ ] Kelsey to her dad's bar. We're sitting there freaking her her stepmom was putting a captain in our our our Coke cans or whatever and she's like, "Hey," she's like, "Hey, I got this buddy. He's going to go he's going to smoke us out." Blah blah blah. You know, and I mean, mind you, we're in the south end of Poria. Like, we're at this bar like right by the Harrison homes and it was Cheers and Beers and

Yeah. So, I'm like, "All right, yeah, that sounds like a great idea." So, here it is. Me and [ __ ] Kelsey both. So she was 17 or 18.

17 or 18. And I'm [ __ ] 15, you know. So we leave the bar. It's middle of the night south end. Two little white girls going around the freaking alley in this car with some random black dude. And um

Yeah. So like the only reason I go is because like I wanted to sleep with Kelsey because like I like girls, you know, and um like well I prefer girls. I mean, I got five kids, so I'm like a really shitty lesbian, but um freaking So, I go with her because I I want to sleep with her, you know, and uh we end up going to this hotel with this guy and um you know, me and Kelsey were like making out and next thing I know, we're just having like this whole little threesome, right? And I'm like, "Okay, whatever." You know, that just happened. So, I don't really think much of it. And um I start dating this dude uh Kenny just to piss off my brother. Now mind you, Kenny's a white guy, okay? And I find out I'm pregnant. So I go my whole pregnancy thinking that I'm pregnant with Kenny's kid. Okay. All right. My dad's already pissed because I'm [ __ ] 15 years old and I'm pregnant. All right. He's [ __ ] pissed, you know. Um I have my son, uh Kyler. He was born uh November 4th, 2008. That date's important because he was born the exact same day Obama got elected president. And my son came out mixed. He did not come out white. Murray. So, yes.

Oh, man. I just I remember my my sister I mean, God rest her soul, but my sister was up there and she looked at Kenny and Kenny was like, "I don't think that's my baby." And she was like, "Yeah." He's like, "I think that's Noah's." Then he was like, "Well, is is Noah white?" He was like, "Yeah." She's like, "That's not baby." And uh my brother Josh, he had came up there and he was like he you see, you know, saw his nephew and stuff and he was like, you know, I'm still waiting for Ashen Kutcher to come popping out of the next room or some [ __ ] because I mean, man, I was I was a little hoe though. Like I did sleep I did sleep around a lot and I think that was a lot to do with uh my friend my friend [ __ ] Tara. I told her I was like, "Hey, I think I'm gay." Terra [ __ ] Terara. [ __ ] Terara, dude. And she was like, "No, I don't think you're really gay. I just, you know, you never been with a guy. So, how do you know, you know, you aren't straight?" And I was like, "You know what? That makes sense." But then thinking about it, too, I'm like, I had never been with a girl before either at that point. So, how did I even know? I just knew, you know? So, I just went around and just started sleeping with a bunch of [ __ ] guys that appease her.

Sure. See if I'm straight or not. But I mean, like I said, I'm a shitty lesbian.

Yeah. How'd that work out? Five kids later, I still like women. I do. I do.

Hey, there's nothing wrong with that. I'm trying to put up with them as well. But they're a tough breed to put up with.

Um, for real, though. You know, you know as well as me. So, uh, I mean, like, because I got I got like I'm like a dude in a chick's body, right? Like I got like a guy personality. And I think it's cuz I I grew up with, you know, my brothers and stuff. Like I like girls. I love eating [ __ ] but man, dude, they're [ __ ] annoying as [ __ ] sometimes.

Oh, no doubt about it. God damn, dude. [ __ ] drama. Just It's like shut the [ __ ] up sometimes. Like, you know.

Amen to that. Hey, so uh so now we're um we're up to 15. You got pregnant. You had a You had the wrong baby. Well, the right baby, but with the the wrong guy, you thought.

Yeah. Um uh I god where were the cameras for that? Uh revealing you are not the father.

Oh [ __ ]. That is a a mory and a poria moment. Um so so you're after 15 now you're with child. So where does the drug addiction go from there?

Okay. So all right. So all right. I had my son Kyler. Um my dad he was [ __ ] just pissed. Like I mean that's not racist, but I mean he's still like like you know he he was he was already mad that I was pregnant at [ __ ] 15 and I had mixed kid. Um so I ended up living with my sister for probably about six months to a year after my son Kyler was born. Um and then I had and my sister she's got she's got eight boys and one girl. Um and at the time when I was living with her she had six yeah six or seven seven boys I think. Yeah. Seven. Six. She had six six other kids. And we were living in And you know, my sister, she was living out in Eureka. She was in this uh it was a three-bedroom like duplex like uh um what what is it like section 8 apartment complex or whatever, you know? So, I mean it was a little much, you know, with like all them kids running around. And then I just had, you know, just had a baby and you know, I lived with her for about six months back home. Yeah. And uh you know, I had gotten clean. I was I was clean because, you know, I was kind of whing out from like 11 to [ __ ] 15. And then, you know, I was completely sober. Um, after I had Kyler, you know, I would smoke some weed here and there. Um, you know, I wasn't really too much of a drinker. Um, and then yeah, I moved back into my parents' house and uh I was 18 and I was helping my sister renovate this house in Eureka. It was uh it was going to be it was a two-story house with a basement. Um, all we had to do is just get it up for code because this guy was going to rent it.

To her through Section 8. Um, me and my cousin Eric, we were we were helping her remodel that house, doing all, you know, all the the renovation and [ __ ] like that. And he had this truck that was parked outside, and we were trying to change the fuel pump on it. Well, long story short, if you're working on a truck and you're on an incline, block the tires. Actually, better yet, don't work on a truck when you're kind of on an incline.

Well, when we went to um change the fuel pump, we uh we had to drop the drive shaft. Well, when you drop the drive shaft, the truck starts rolling. So, the truck um I had just come walking out of the house with uh with a another uh socket set or whatever, and I see the truck rolling. So, I run to try and like cuz my cousin Eric, he's underneath of it. Um and I try to go um like getting the the truck to uh hit the brakes or whatever, but the the passenger side door was locked. So, I go to run around the front of it. I slip in the grass, fall, the truck runs over my back. Oh my god. Uh, breaks three of my ribs, collapse my collapses my left lung and uh compresses my spine down. Damn. Um and I go to the hospital, and that's when my addiction kind of started because I started taking [ __ ] Vicodin, and they just gave me a bunch of [ __ ] painkillers, no physical therapy, just like here's some [ __ ] Vicodin, here's some Tramodol. All right, cool. So, I just start taking those. I mean, I I had to like breathe in like a little machine thing, like breathe it out, and it would like like rattle my lung to like pop my lung open and stuff. And then I had this um it almost I I called it a bong looking thing, but I had to like breathe into it where it had uh these two arrows, and I had to get like the little ball in between the the two arrows. I had to do that for a long time. Build your lungs up. And then that was that happened in I think June of 2010.

And then in August of 2010, I uh total my dad's truck on the interstate. Um, yeah, freaking I like right here on my Yeah, I see that. I uh bit bit through my lip, freaking shattered my my face plate. My son Kyler was actually he was two years old. He was in the back seat. I had just stopped before we got on the interstate, right? Um, put him back in his [ __ ] seat. Got on the interstate and then um this lady was at the Farmington Road exit. Lady um couldn't get over on her exit, so she stopped in the right lane. And I didn't realize that she was stopped cuz I didn't see any brake lights, you know, and I'm cruising and I'm only going 55 cuz I'm in a lifted truck and if you go faster than 55 in that thing, the steering wheel shook so bad, you know, and um last there was a car in front of me, and I remember them swerving over really fast and before I could even like react like boom, I smack into the back of her and then um so that sucked. Um, freaking Yeah. So you smashed your face into the steering wheel or what? Yeah. Yeah. So yeah, shattered my face plate and then bit through my lip. Um and Tyler, thank God he was I just put him back in a seat belt. I mean, he bit his tongue, but that was like the worst of of his injuries. Um, cuz yeah, I was in a 90 98 Chevy Silverado with a 6-in lift on it. And I hit this lady. She was in a Chevy Cobalt and I put her trunk all the way up to her freaking back seat like Wow. Yeah. She's lucky. She didn't [ __ ] We're all lucky we didn't die, actually. But she So, she just slammed on the brakes in front of um Well, no, she was stabbed. She said that um I I had read later in the police report that she said she stopped because there's motorcycles getting onto the [ __ ] interstate. So, she just stopped in the right lane and but I don't know. All right. Continue. Sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt. Um yeah, you're good.

So, at the age of 18, I get I was getting prescribed Vicodin and Tramodol for getting ran over by the truck. And then they gave me Oxycottton. Damn. for when I shattered my face. Sure. So, I'm taking all three of those. 18 years old. I don't know the dangers of prescription [ __ ] pills, right? You know, so I it was I was probably in those deep for probably about six to eight months and um I started drinking really heavy because I mean I was just in so much [ __ ] pain. I could barely breathe. I could barely move. Right. Your face is jacked up. Yeah. And uh yeah, because I was I was I would wake up, I would take I'd take two Vicodin um the second I woke up, I'd get something to eat and then I would take a freaking Oxycottton and then I would just [ __ ] eat the uh Tramodol just period. I I would eat probably like four of them a day and then take probably like three three Vicodin and two Oxycontton every day and I it it was bad. And then I was drinking on top of it. I was thinking probably about a tight to a fifth every other day, right? Um at 18. And it was uh one of my good good friends in high school, Renee. Um her mom Tori [ __ ] Oh man, I love her to death. She uh she was actually a guard at uh Pury County. Okay. Uh jail. Um but she recognized that, you know, there's like there's something [ __ ] up with me, you know, and she had me move in with her. Um, it was that it was December of 2000. Yeah, I want to say was it? Yeah, it would have been about August, September, October because it was around Christmas time. So, yeah, I was about like four months in really heavy on the pills after I had wrecked the truck or yeah, the truck on the interstate. So from June till from June 2010 till December of 2010 I was just eating [ __ ] like really heavy on the painillers. Sure. And drink it on top of it. That's odd because you went from 11 to 13 and you know drinking like every teenager does to crack and then got pregnant, stopped that, smoked a little weed. Now now by prescription now you're addicted to opiates which is completely different than crack. Yeah. Yeah. So, I know a lot of people that that like stimulants don't like opiates and vice versa. Is that the case with you or that was just something to numb the pain?

Um, well, like the the painkillers like they just they just helped with the pain, you know, like I didn't I didn't really get like a high feeling off of them that I remember. But like what what I do remember the most was coming off of them and like almost quitting [ __ ] full cold turkey of like a lot of opioids and I I literally thought like I was going to die. Yeah. Like it was the worst feeling I ever did in my life. And it was after that I swore I was never like I wouldn't even take a [ __ ] Tylenol for years or an ibuprofen after I got off that because I you know I found out the seriousness of um you know like the pain meds and stuff. it and um yeah. So, so you were so you were completely anti-drug at that point because you didn't never not to ever want to go through that situation again of feeling like that. I don't Yeah, I didn't want to be sick like that ever again. Never I want to be sick like that. So, let's fast forward now because obviously we are where we're at. So, what happened after um that period where you came off of that and you're like, "All right, man. Get out of jail free. I'm good. I can start my life over now." What happened to where you started uh getting in trouble again? Okay. So, all right. All right. So, we'll start at 18. Got off the pain pills. Um, so 19, 20, it was kind of just smoking weed, drinking here and there, you know, nothing nothing too crazy. Um, then when I turned 21, I met um I started dating this stripper and um, you know, I'm 21. I just turned 21. You know, I'm dating this girl. She's 10 years older than me, you know. Um, I'm just I'm [ __ ] in love, you know? I'm like, this is [ __ ] cool as [ __ ] Um, you know, she was a feature entertainer. Um, so we were going like to different towns, different states and [ __ ] doing like shows. I I was like I was her stage manager or whatever the [ __ ] that is. But, um, basically it was just me and her driving around in different places getting [ __ ] face [ __ ] drunk, right? And it was me kind of making a fool out of myself just because like we were um we were uh um like marketing for Elliots at the time, right? So we're like promo girls I guess is what you can call it, which I mean drunk [ __ ] retards. Yes, I would say more that. But um we I had the great idea one day and I'm like, you know what? People remember people that are [ __ ] ridiculous and obnoxious or do the dumb [ __ ] or or make the mistakes. They don't remember people doing everything like per, you know, perfectly and flawlessly. Sure. Like we um so I became like the bloopers girl, you know? I just do like ridiculous. Plus, I I was I was awkward with like the strip club freaking Yeah, they are awkward. This is this becomes funny later on because I I was really awkward about like um just like my sexuality at the time, you know, like I was a really reserved person. Um like I I couldn't get up on stage and dance and take my clothes off. Like you know, I was like super shy about all that. Um, [ __ ] later on, you'll find out why that part's funny, but um, I remember me and uh, [ __ ] Taser, we go to um, Lasowl, Peru, and we do a bikini competition, right? And I'm like, dude, they're not going to [ __ ] remember us because we're strictly there to promote for [ __ ] Elliots, you know? Right. And it's it's like an hour and a half, two hours away from Poria. We get there and we go to like a local bar, talk to the locals, and they're like, "Oh, yeah, no, it's rigged. It's the same like three people that win every year, blah blah blah. And I mean, and it was like a like a really serious competition. Like I mean, you had to have like a full face makeup on. Like I mean, it's $150 to enter. Like they were [ __ ] serious about this [ __ ] Like really serious. Um I'm not a serious person. So we get there and guess what? I forget to bring with me to a bikini competition. Bikini? Yes. So, we're going to Walmart and we're we're [ __ ] smoking a blunt in the car and I'm like, "Dude, what if I [ __ ] trip and fall in the river?" Like, "Oh, no. They're going to remember that shit." Oh, yeah. So, like, so I did. We We went there and I'm wearing So, wait. Trips off of what? Off the stage. It was the boat dock. No, no, no. It was a boat dock ramp. Okay. So, yeah. Yeah, it was a boat dock ramp. So, we had to start at one yacht and and I mean and there was probably like 30 girls there and we all like did like a champagne [ __ ] cheers before it and I mean you had to walk from one end to the other, change your bikini at the the yacht at the end and then walk all the way back. So, I'm like I'm like look, I'm going to wear your heels to make it believable because I look like a baby deer trying to walk for the first time wearing like anything with a slight [ __ ] heel in it. So, and I'm wearing her like 6 inch [ __ ] like platform. Yes. And I'm walking across the boat dock, right? But I mean, I just look [ __ ] ridiculous. Like, I really wish we would have had this recorded because it was [ __ ] priceless. But I just remember these people are like, "Man, just take the shoes off. Just take the shoes off. It's okay." You know, I mean, there's hundreds of people up on shore watching, too. And then you got the people on the boats right there like front row. I go back. I change my outfit and and I go back to to the the last like walk back or whatever and I stand I stand there because we we had to stop in the middle do like little Miss America wave or whatever and I do that and that's when I freaking trip and fall the river and uh Oh my god. like it was uh like a like a year or I don't know how much later it was, but I remember me and Taser, we had taken some girls to this bar to like kind of train them to be dancers or whatever because it's easier to teach a girl out of town than it is your hometown. Anyway, but this is like a year later and this chick was like, "If she falls off my stage like she fall fell off that ramp, I'm throwing all of you out." And I'm like, "Look, we did our job because guess what? They remembered the [ __ ] goofy [ __ ] that fell in the river." I'm like, "Oh, that's hilarious." So, so she she So, I mean, did you do it? Well, did it really Did you sell it when you when you flew? Oh, yeah. I sold it. Oh, yeah. I sold it. Yeah, they they dive into your rescue. Oh, yeah. I had I had a bunch of people run up and they're like, "Here, here trying to like help me up and it was hilarious." So, that could not be a good start to a a non-toxic relationship, going on the road with the stripper as the road manager and just boozing it up and smoking buds everywhere you go. So, how did that what what happened with that? Did that did that spiral out of control? I can only imagine.

Oh, well, I'm glad you asked. All right, so it was true love. I swear to God, it was true love. Like, it was true love. Um, but yeah, it was it was kind it was toxic. It was it was toxic. It was my first stripper. I was freshly 21, so you know, I mean, wow. Lesson learned. But I mean, I still I'm still friends with her to this day. Love her. I got got a big heart for her. But, uh, yeah, there was a there was another time we went to, um, it was a beauty pageant is what she told me. It's a beauty pageant. Okay. It's called, uh, it was in Roseline, Indiana at um, uh, what was it? Um, God damn it. Yeah, Roseline, Indiana. It was um Ponderosa Sun Club. That's what she told me. All right. I'm like, "All right, cool. That sounds that sounds great." You know? So, we bar hopped the whole way down there, you know? A six-hour drive took us [ __ ] like 12 because we literally stopped at every bar on the way to this [ __ ] place. We get there, it's like it's like 4:00 in the morning or some [ __ ] So, I just take my blanket, you know, and throw it out on the front lawn, lay down, try and get some sleep. Sun sun comes up, you know, I'm starting to wake up and I look around and the very first thing I [ __ ] see is a is a man about 60 70 years old, butt ass [ __ ] naked riding a bicycle down the road. He's like, "Good morning, ladies." And I'm like, "What the fuck?" I'm like, "Where the [ __ ] are we at?" She did not tell me. She said, "We're going somewhere where it's like summer camp." Okay. Beauty pageant. A beauty pageant. Like summer camp. She didn't tell me it was a [ __ ] nudist resort. So, you know, I'm waking up and my first thought is my first sight is that [ __ ] old man just butt ass naked. And then I turn around and look behind me and [ __ ] my ex-wife is in a little kiddie pool shaving her freaking vagina like the water running and then there's freaking Nikita Steel at the end of another camper [ __ ] puking her guts out and I'm just like where the [ __ ] am I at? Oh my lord. So, I get up that morning. I'm I'm hung over as [ __ ] you know? What a way to wake up hung over. Just an old nasty dude riding a bike naked. Good lord. I need a shot. Yeah. I'm like, where the I was like, I am not in [ __ ] Kansas anymore, dude. Where the [ __ ] are we at? Indiana. Yeah. No [ __ ] So, um, freaking we go to, uh, sign up because and and ta, you know, Taser tells me all you have to do is just walk across the stage butt naked one time and you get in for free. Otherwise, it's like $100, $200 to be in there. And then plus, I'm in like the VIP area, so I get, you know, I like girls, so I'm going to see like hundreds of [ __ ] porn stars butt ass naked. Like, I'm having the time of my life. Um, I met [ __ ] Ron Jeremy's [ __ ] creepy ass. Like, wow. I I didn't know who he was. And I'm in the bathroom. Like, I I just get done going to the bathroom. I'm washing my hands and some [ __ ] sweaty ass stinky dude comes up behind me and reaches around me. I [ __ ] elbow check him. Freak out cuz he's in the women's bathroom, but really it's like a co-ed bathroom cuz we're in the freaking like the the um goddamn like the pool area and [ __ ] And was like, "Do you know who that was?" And I was like, "No, what the [ __ ] does he do?" He's like, "That's Ron Jeremy." And I was like, "So the [ __ ] what? Who is that?" And then the hedgehog. Yeah. I found out who Ron Jeremy was that day. I bet. Oh my god. Yeah, dude. And then I just Man, what did he say? You You elbow checked him. Was he like or he's like, "Damn, baby." And then I just Yeah. Then I just like speeded out of the bathroom. I'm like, "What the [ __ ] is this shit?" Like I'm all creeped out, dude. Wow. And like and I'm still like I'm like in a days still because I don't think I was so I wasn't sober that whole freaking time. Um Oh yeah. back to So we were signing up. We were doing the sign up. So all I had to do is walk across the stage butt naked one time. Um okay. Like she told me that. I'm like all right I got this. All I have to do is fill that out. I get there and I panic with the sheet that I have because we have to like sign a bunch of like u releases for for our pictures being taken and being recorded. you know, I have to sign like all for like, you know, like Cherry magazine and like a whole bunch of different [ __ ] places so like they can put pictures up on the internet and stuff. So, I'm like signing all those. Um, I kind of um freak out. So, I just start circling what [ __ ] Nikita circling, you know. Um, I later find out I signed up for the pole dance competition. Um, I had signed up for like a couple other things and I have never danced on a pole a day in my life. Oh, wow. All right. So, I'm signed up for this pull dance competition and uh Nikita has a [ __ ] stripper pole like in the back of her truck or whatever. So, I get on it one time. I flip up. I was able to flip upside down one time. First time. Only time I ever did it. I'm like, "Oh, I'm a [ __ ] professional. I can do this. I got this." You know? So, I go to do the uh the next day I do the competition. Like, my heart's racing. I'm like, "Oh, [ __ ] I'm nervous as hell. Like, I'm already like half naked in front of all these people and I have to get fully naked." And I just remember freaking Taser telling me, "Make sure you take your bottoms off because you have to get

Fully nude throughout it. Make don't forget to take your bottoms off. Don't forget to take your bottoms off." So that's like instilled in my head. Right. Well, like like strippers when they go on stage, very first thing they do, boom, take their [ __ ] tops out. Get your tits out, you know? Right. Right. Um well, I'm just in my mind, don't forget to take your bottoms off. Don't forget to take your bottoms off. So I do the whole thing, [ __ ] vagina out for the whole [ __ ] world. And I got disqualified because I did not take my top off. Oh my god. You showed the cooch and it left it left the girls covered up and got booty. You guys got to see these a cups like Oh my god, that's priceless.

Well, you're learning you're learning the stripper etiquette while on the road. Yes. Yes, I did. I learned a lot of stripper etiquets. I became useful later in life kind of. Yeah. What was it? So, I don't know. Me and me and Taer somehow separated later on that night. And I ended up following this other girl back to her little camper thing or whatever. And we were there. And um they had given me a little line of freaking coke. And I I did, you know, that was cuz I smoke crack. I never really did coke, you know. I did like put Coke on like a weed bowl before with my brother, but like never actually like snorted it. Well, I snorted it and well, it it made me have to like [ __ ] So, like I kind of poop my pants a little bit sitting in the [ __ ] camper. I [ __ ] freak out. I just get up and just [ __ ] leave like immediately like [ __ ] on my [ __ ] goddamn shorts. [ __ ] we're in the nudest thing. So, I just take them off and I just [ __ ] throw them in the trash. Rinse my, you know, go go to the [ __ ] little ho, [ __ ] wash myself off and [ __ ] I go back to the camper just no pants on, you I got my shirt like I'm trying to like hold it down like I'm [ __ ] embarrassed at a Nunes resort and uh Taser was just [ __ ] passed out and I just went to bed and I never told any about the else Well, now you told the worldwide web. Perfect. Oh, it's hot. It's hot up here. [ __ ] I know. I'm sorry about that. It's It's about 110 out here.

Yeah. It's nice though cuz I just I just shaved my head. So, yeah. you were talking about that you have a friend that has cancer. Yeah. Yeah. My friend uh down in Champagne. Yeah. She's got breast cancer. So, she's done about like I think she's on her 11th round of chemo right now. So, right on. Yeah. Went through that with my mother, so I know exactly. I shaved my head as well, so I know I know exactly. Yeah. What's going on? I mean, it's really Yeah. It's really liberating, though. I mean, like, it ain't [ __ ] to take a shower anymore. I'm like, what? I don't I don't have to spend 20 minutes when I wake up like No, it felt great. Yeah. Very uh very liberating. Um so we we got uh the the the stripper national tour out of the way. Um so you get back Oh, it was Yes. Miss N it was a beauty pageant. It was uh for Miss Nude North America. Fun fact, I did not win any titles at all there. Um, so it was it was an experience. Um, and what was [ __ ] funny as hell was when I was in rehab in Champagne. Um, there was this guy, it was I was it was like my last week I was there and this guy came in and he was there for doing Coke and you know he was like a milright and blah blah blah and he was talking about he was from Indiana and I was like, "Oh, the last time I've been to Indiana was that." And that guy had actually been to the the freaking beauty pageantss and [ __ ] before with his wife. And um yeah, they I guess I guess they don't do it anymore because of co co shut it down. So but that was definitely something I would I would definitely go go to that again. Like I bet you would not not be not exactly be up on stage, but just like I was going to say don't forget the top this time. Yeah, I'd definitely be walk and what was funny was like that whole day I was walking around topless like the whole day topless. Walking around all day topless like I and I go to get on stage and I completely slipped your mind.

So you get back to Oh, go ahead. Oh yeah, I was going to say I mean well for your first time ever being on a stage and you're in front of like thousands of people on top of it too. Like I know the feeling. I I've never had to disrobe, but I know the feeling. When did when did you start smoking rocks again? I guess cuz that's Okay. Um All right. So, yeah. So, um me and her, we split up in 2014. Um because I I got tired I honestly I got tired of the fast life. I got tired of being on the road all the time. You know, I had my son Kyler. I was missing him. And I wanted like that white picket fence, you know, the house with the white picket fence. And like I knew that, you know, even being a stripper or an entertainer or anything in that industry that has a shelf life, you know, like I'm sorry to say it like that, but you know, you ain't going to be pretty forever and your [ __ ] ain't going to look good forever, you know. And I'm like, I want to do something with my life. I want to be somebody. So I uh went to ICC. I started taking college courses for uh automotive technology. Gotcha. Um so I was there for Yeah, that was in 2014. And then um I accidentally got a job at Goodyear in East Poria accidentally. Yeah, I was uh I was going to get um Falston for my [ __ ] I I had a a 98 Chevy Astro van. [ __ ] loved that van. I missed that van. I I would definitely buy another one. But yeah, two strippers in that me and [ __ ] bunch of strippers in that [ __ ] thing. Oh my god. Oh, trivia question. How many strippers can you fit in a 98 Chevy Astro van with the back seat taken out? With the back seat taken out, how many? Taken out. You could probably get 40 in there. Well, 17 and a half. Damn, that's still a lot. I mean, I'm talking stacking them, though. It wouldn't be. Yeah. Well, this was just sitting. This was just sitting. Dang. That has got to be some kind of record. Yeah. 17 and a half. Well, what's that? Have you had a [ __ ] stripper or what? Yeah. Yeah. Bridget. Oh no. I think that's what her name was. I don't know. What were you guys doing in there? Did you have a drink in there? Were you Were you just Were you just the Uber for the for the strippers that night or what were you guys up to?

Yeah, I uh Well, I bartended out at Elliot when I was a cocktail waitress. So like at the end of the night, we would always leave there and then we would go downtown and get even more [ __ ] drunk. So it was like we just always kept the party going a lot of times. Weird. I got fired from Elliot's. Yeah. How did that happen? Um because I was selling Coke to the strippers. Oh, okay. So, yeah, I'm like I was cutting out the middleman, you know, like I thought like in the job application all the way at the bottom it says um cocktail waitress can sell cocaine to strippers. Like I thought that was part of the job, you know, it's under special skills. Yeah. Like I mean I got better [ __ ] and I made it a better deal for him too. Yeah. Well, I wasn't doing Coke then. I wasn't doing You just selling it? Yeah. because I I was kind of dabbling with it a little bit, but I didn't really like how how it made me feel too much, you know. Um, okay. So, yeah. So, then me and Taser split up 2014. I go to school. Um, and then I meet I end up getting pregnant um with my son Jeremiah and so I drop out of school and then um I get uh a job at Jim's Family Restaurant where I'm working at now again. Um, I was uh waitressing because I couldn't go to I couldn't be in school and be pregnant in the automotive. I couldn't be in the in the garage and [ __ ] So, I had to drop out. Um, so yeah, I go from, you know, living the [ __ ] like stripper life basically, but like how how is it? Because I I wasn't I was like the manager, I guess. I was, if that's what you want to call it, because I I was never the one I wasn't doing any of the like the dirty deeds or I wasn't the one, you know, taking my clothes off and stuff. I was just kind of just like I was there, you know. Um, so I went from living that fast life to, you know, kind of calming back down, getting in school, and then I end up getting pregnant with my son Jeremiah. And, um, I get with his dad. So, and, you know, we we had slept together like one or two times, and I ended up getting pregnant. And you're very fertile. I am. I am. I can't even sit next to somebody with a dick without getting [ __ ] pregnant. Like, and and like I mean, okay, I love Sean to death. I do. I love him. He's a great dude. He's a great dad. He's an awesome person. But like I only I slept with him like out of like pity sex because he his his late wife No, he he's okay. He's an Army veteran. Okay. I was doing a service. Yeah. For the American people. You sleep with the upset veteran, you know, like hello. That's what that's what you do as an American citizen. Thank you for your service. Yes. Thank you. Somebody recognizes it. [ __ ] So, um he has um had a ribbon and it has Rachel tattooed on his arm and I met him at Goodyear and I was working there and um I had noticed his tattoo one day and I was like, "Oh." I was like, "Oh, you went and got Rachel tattooed on your arm." I was like, "That's funny because I went and got your name tattooed on my ass." And That was like the first thing that I had ever said to him. And I literally have your name tattooed on my ass. And um freaking he had told me it was his late wife that had passed away and it was like the one year anniversary on Halloween that she was gonna that she had died. So I felt really bad for him. So I was like, "All right, you know what? I'll come hang out with you. You know, I understand death sucks. Blah blah blah." Well, we end up drinking some freaking long neck goddamn Budweisers and you know the rest is history. Yeah. So, keep you away from long necks. Yeah. So, um Yeah. So, we I end up getting pregnant and I just, you know, try and make a relationship work on, you know, pretty much a stranger, you know, and I mean, we did we we we we tried making things work for as long as we did. I just I I wasn't happy with myself. So like I couldn't be happy with anybody at that time. Gotcha. Um so we had bought a house in south end of Poria. Um, and you know, it was uh like Pleasant Hill District, freaking still limestone district, but it was on county side, you know, and it it was it was it was good for like I mean I own owned my house, owned a car, you know, I own two cars, own a motorcycle, you know, like I owned everything, but it was just like it's I felt like I should have been further in life or had more in life than what I had because I'm I was I kept on looking at like what this person had or what that person had, you know, like I I thought the grass ass was greener on the other side when in all reality what I had was just [ __ ] fine, you know, right? But I I was still stuck in the the uh like the bougie lifestyle from being with [ __ ] Taser, you know, like just fast life, just having all nice things, just like, you know, big houses type [ __ ] you know? And um I just I wasn't happy with myself, so I started drinking. And this is where my addiction starts. Got it. Um it was 20 it was probably about 18. Um I start Yeah. 2017, 2018, I started, you know, going to the bar a couple times here or there after work and then it turned to every [ __ ] day after work. Um, it got to the point where I just I I I was seeing my friends more than I saw my kids. Um, and I I would just get drunk. Like I would just drink to get [ __ ] drunk because I I wasn't happy with myself, you know? I I was I thought everybody else was the problem then. Um, you know, and that that's when I had remembered about uh getting raped when I was uh when I was young and stuff and you know, I was just like a big [ __ ] pity party. Um, I was the victim, everybody else was the problem, you know, blah blah blah. Um, so yeah, I was just drinking a lot. And then, um, 20 2019, I started smoking crack again. Um, I was doing Coke. Um, 2018, 2019, I was doing Coke. I I did so much coke like I couldn't even [ __ ] snort up my nose. Like it was bad. That's why I started smoking foilies because I couldn't [ __ ] snort it cuz you know hello you know maybe you should stop like you know if you can't [ __ ] you know I mean I collapsed my nose right there like wow you notice how you're really hitting it hard. So at this point my god that's a hell of a cocaine habit if you're blowing out your septum. How much are you spending a day on this? Um, when I was doing Coke, I was doing probably it started off I was doing like a half a gram, then it was a gram, then it was an eightball, and then it was a quarter every day. Right. Well, well, every wake up like because I would be up for like two or three days at a time. Four days. Longest I had ever been awake was 11 days straight. That's [ __ ] crazy. Do not recommend. Um, I did meth I was shooting up math at that point, but um Wow. Yeah. Zero out of 10. Do not recommend on that one. But no, that's a whole another ball field. PSA, don't do math. Don't shoot it. Especially Well, don't do it period. Yeah. So, continue on. So, um so you said you started off just half gram. That's how much. And then all the way up to to a quarter ounce. What are we spending at at the max on just on Coke before crack? Okay. So, on Coke. So, I was getting I was paying $100 a gram, right, for Coke. Um, so I mean that's a lot of money, you know. Um, and I was getting because this was like this is when prices were kind of there was like a drought. I remember you know what and and I found out [ __ ] drug dealers say it's just a drought just so they can [ __ ] raise the prices. It ain't even a goddamn drought, [ __ ] Like [ __ ] you guys. Um, I know the game. Like I know what you're doing. But no, I I was Yeah, I was spending a lot of money on my coke habit. So what was the max per day? Um, I would well probably Coke. I would probably say like an eightball on the Coke would be. So that's how much? Like uh 150 bucks or 300. Three I was paying $100 a gram because the guy So 300 every time you re-uped. Yeah. Because the guy would only sell me grams of Coke. Okay. And he would charge me $100. And then later on I found out I can get a whole eightball for [ __ ] uh at first it was I was 200 and then I was a towards the end of my addiction I was getting it for uh 100 bucks for an a crack. So um yeah. So so walk us through doing Coke versus doing crack because obviously it's it's a much different like just outcome. Um man, yeah, it's it's a whole different [ __ ] high, man. It is a whole different ball field. Um like the Coke, um it like man, I don't know. It gave me kind of like a like a calm like high. It had me like I I felt like I was [ __ ] invincible. Like I was [ __ ] superhero. Um you know, and I mainly did the Coke so I could drink more, right? um that way I could keep up with drinking cuz I was a severe alcoholic. I was a horrible alcoholic. Um I was drinking probably a fifth of uh um Crown Apple and Kors Light. I would drink probably like a 12 a 12 pack of Kors Light and probably almost a a fifth of [ __ ] Crown Apple while I was doing Coke. Um, and then it was uh in yeah 20 2019 one of my friends had a crack and I was out of coke and they had me hit that pipe and just hitting that pipe it was just like I mean you just get like w and like my mind just quieted down and it was like and I always I kept chasing that first high that I ever had. That's what you um one is too many and a thousand is never enough. And you know, it just it spiraled bad. Really bad. Like I didn't even realize it real quick. Um I was I was in smoking crack for five years. I didn't realize it was five years. I I still I'm still not even processing it's 2025. I still think it's 2021. Like I'm dead ass serious. Like I I still I still have a hard time fathing that it's 2025 right now. Um, and man, you know, I was [ __ ] smoking. I mean, I would get up, first thing I do when I would wake up. So, I'I'd probably like chain smoke back to back at least like a quarter or not a quarter. Um, what is it? It's like a gram and a half. Like I'd smoke like a gram and a half in like 30 40 minutes when I first woke up. Um, and then that would just get me to like level out and then I would just go about my day and I'd just be able to like, you know, hit it. I mean, I was hitting a pipe every like 30 minutes throughout the day. So, you were you had to take it with you. I mean, it revolved around your day. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I mean, everything everything was about crack, dude. How everything I'd be in the [ __ ] car, stop like [ __ ] smoking. I'd be freaking in a bathroom, at a [ __ ] gas station [ __ ] smoking. And I'd blow it into the freaking toilet paper or, you know, I'd um fold up a bunch of toilet paper and blow it into it really hard because then you want to have the smoke cloud come out. Um [ __ ] it was horrible. Um I started smoking it out of a bong. Um crack bong, dude. I thought it was bro. I thought it was a great idea until I started having seizures three times a week from smoking out of it. What? Um Yeah. I mean, it was like the worst. It was like, yeah, it was like the worst best idea I think I thought I had. Um, walk me through this one. Yeah, this one time I hit it. I hit the the crack bong back. I mean, it was like a big ass. I mean, this was tall. Like I mean, it was like like a two foot [ __ ] bong and you know, right? And I remember hitting it back to back and I was at my buddy's house and like I fell out and I had a seizure and I remember it I was like in a different realm. Like I was there but I wasn't there. And I just remember I I remember seeing these two people. There was this really tall skinny guy and this really short fat dude and they were just sitting there just

Standing there just staring at me. And like I, I had to do like a bunch of these little [ __ ] trials and and do a bunch of other just random [ __ ] that they wanted me to do. And like I mean, I just I remember when I first got got there, it was like it just felt like it like I was at peace, and I felt like I felt amazing, and it was it was just a weird I don't know like it was weird.

Right. Like I saw my dead sister there, and she hugged me and told me that she forgave me, and then like boom, I came back to it, came back and I'm standing at the end of my buddy's bed half naked like, and last thing I remember like you know when I went to hit I was sitting you know on the floor on the other side of the room, you know, and like totally blacked out.

So do you think you do you think you passed on? Do you think you you you saw the afterlife for for a couple minutes or a minute? I don't know. That's a trick. You start seeing stuff like that. He said um yeah, my my buddy said like I was I was walking around and stuff in the room. He said I sat up and I was like, "It's amazing here. It's amazing here." And then um I kept walking around the room and stuff like that, and he was like I was talking to somebody while I was walking around the room and like, Yeah, it was it was [ __ ] weird, dude. Like so [ __ ] weird. That is crazy.

And uh hitting well first of all, hitting crack out of a bong is crazy to start with. So moving moving forward past that. So now you you've went from a cocaine habit which went from you know just buying a little bit here and there all the way up to about und or 300 bucks every time you reupted. Now crack just that's like you know pouring gasoline on a fire just instantane like jet fuel on a fire. Now we're up to where we're doing bongs of crack people. So it has to go terribly terribly wrong from here on out. So pick it up with after the the crack bongs.

Okay. Well, so yeah, it does. It goes downhill really bad. Uh but before the crack bongs, um so like Rachel, how did you pay for all of this? That's a very good question. I'm glad you asked. So, when when I first started doing it, um I had like an Only Fans account or whatever that my ex how to make. Like I suck at flirting. I suck at trying to uh manipulate people like, you know, like I I suck at it. I'm not very good. I'll be like, "Here's my tits. Give me some money." You know, I don't even have a [ __ ] conversation with you.

Um right. But so, but I I had this one guy, bless his heart, but he was sending me anywhere from like 20 to [ __ ] $200 every single day except for on Sundays. So, yeah. Yeah. I would make up some [ __ ] excuse why I needed money, and he would [ __ ] send it to me. Um, so, and that went on for like a year and a half before he finally cut me off. So, the day he cut me off, I'm like, "Oh, fuck." Like, how am I gonna afford my habit now? you know, and then I was um with this girl uh Carrie, and she I I always called her Madam Carrie. I mean, she wasn't a madam, but I just called her Madam Carrie because she she had all the hoes around, you know? She [ __ ] and [ __ ] you know? She had all the hoes around, you know?

So, yeah, of course, I'm gonna hang around clothes because I like hoes. Like, it's it's it's a mental disability I have. I love hoes. That's all right. But um so freaking I was making money by helping drug dealers remodel their houses, and they were giving me crack from that. Well, this one day I was at this house and with this guy, I called him Goof Troop Tom. I don't know what the [ __ ] his name is. I don't even know if his name's really Tom, but I just called him Goof Troop Tom. He was a [ __ ] methhead, and he was goofy as [ __ ] Uh but I ran out of crack, and this was the first time I ever shot at meth. So when I tell you I worked for 14 hours straight in the middle of [ __ ] summer remodeling this house with no air conditioner, I did. And the [ __ ] dude only wanted to pay me like a gram worth of [ __ ] crack for 14 hours of like straight actual decent [ __ ] like really detailed remodeling work. Like um cuz you know I remodeled we we redid the whole upstairs [ __ ] bathroom, and I was like carrying a bad part of the toilet and I fall through the [ __ ] floor because we didn't screw the cords on. So like I [ __ ] off my whole arm. I come back come back to my home.

Um just sweaty [ __ ] defeated you know just busted my ass for 14 hours just to get a [ __ ] lousy gram of some shitty dope. And this [ __ ] butt ass ugly. no [ __ ] teeth. Goes outside, comes back in in [ __ ] 10 minutes with $140. I'm like, uh, game over. Game over. After that, I'm like, how did you do that? Teach me your ways. So, Farah taught me how to suck a dick, and I became an escort.

Wow. Just like that. Just like that. And I was actually really [ __ ] good at it. Like really good. I think it's just because like I'm like I got a bubbly personality and I'm goofy and like my ads my ads were f I wish I I wish I could like at least read my old ads because they were [ __ ] stupid. They were funny, but they weren't like you know how all the other girls were like hey big daddy blah blah blah and I'm like who wants to [ __ ] you know straight to the point. One of them was like one of my ads was like looking for a plumber to [ __ ] I need my pipes done or something like that. And I did. I needed I needed like plumbing redone in my house. That's how I learned how to do plumbing was from [ __ ] having this guy that I sucked his dick to do it.

Hey, that's one way to get trained. Yeah. Well, another one of my ads was like um it was like an infomercial. I was like, uh, have you or your poker buddy recently fallen victim to seasonal blue balls? Are you tired of your wife's bitching and nagging? Feel free to call and then have my [ __ ] number and stuff.

Nice. So, you just had a cell phone you used for that? Yeah, I had I used um I had a little burner phone. Oh, right on. Was that Craigslist then? What What were people using back then? Uh uh Skip the Games. What's it called? Pure. It was Skip Skip the Games. Skip the Games. Yeah. Yeah. Is that Is that a local thing or um It's actually all over the US. Oh, okay. So, it's like an app. Yeah. Yeah, it's an app. Interesting. Yeah. So, it's basically like a a prostitute hookup site almost. Yeah. Yeah. Yep. Yeah. That's crazy. All right. Well, um that's what YouTube's all about is is entertaining and learning. So, people are learning new things today. So, wow. That's crazy. The the Asians are scams because like all the massage people, those are I got you. I got you. You know, some [ __ ] rough looking [ __ ] [ __ ] and hope she don't rob you because half of them [ __ ] rob you on there. I like regulars because like I didn't rob them, you know? I'm like I sure, you know, you're paying me for a service like we're doing a business transaction, you know? So you could be trusted.

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I mean, some people off, but we we'll get to that in a minute. So, you see this woman, she leaves the house, she comes back with 140 bucks from going out and blowing somebody and she can instantly buy rocks now. And you're like, light bulb moment. So, um, so she she kind of just taught you the ropes. Yeah. Maybe told you about the app or the the website and then you were off to the races. Have iPhone, have hooker, basically, right? You could just straight up So, how long did that last? And um talk about what that was like mentally for you because obviously you're on drugs and you're drinking, right? So I mean that has to kind of numb you out.

Yeah. Um yeah, I was really desensitized while because I was drinking and and smoking a lot of [ __ ] crack and and I just cared about how I was going to get my next high, you know, right? Um so it really like I mean it did it it made me feel really shitty about myself. Um, especially once I got sober, I started really feeling shitty about myself just because like I don't know, like you get like that many [ __ ] I mean I I mean my body count's really [ __ ] high. Like I mean I've sucked a lot of [ __ ] dick. Like god damn. Oh [ __ ] Um, and I'm a lesbian. Like I told you I'm a shitty [ __ ] lesbian, but I can suck the soul out of you. That is not the normal thing you would see.

Yeah. Another world record maybe. Yeah. Yeah. This lesbian slept with more guys than [ __ ] goddamn what's that one porn star? Ron Jeremy. Yeah. No [ __ ] Well, in the same room. Anyways, so you're to the point now where where you're you're smoking crack every day, all day, staying up for days. And um but but even it progressed even to shooting meth. That's like, man, that's like top of the, you know, the the uh stimulation world right there.

Well, yeah. I Well, because I was trying to get off crack, right? So, my friend was like, "Have you tried meth? That helped me get off crack." I'm like, "That's a great idea." Like, you know, I can't get addicted to meth. Meth's not addicting, right? No. No. I I was on meth for like six months, dude. And that [ __ ] man, I was shooting it up and like it got to the point where like I wasn't even really addicted to the drug itself because I hate how meth makes me feel. I absolutely [ __ ] hate. I hate that. I hate that geeky feeling. I don't I don't like meth. But it was just like that needle and I still kind of have like a love like I think about the needle more than I think about like wanting to drink or anything just because like just I don't know. It was just like the whole process. U right you know like watching the blood like pour into it and then you know just shooting it back up like I just I I I loved it. I [ __ ] loved it. I did.

Yeah, that's that's yeah, that's what happens in addiction. I mean, you get addicted to the I mean, it's just like getting ready to go out for the night in pregaming. What am I going to buy to drink? What what kind do I have weed? Am I going to get some blow? It's like you're prep and that whole prep of the evening is what's exciting as well as going out and getting hammered. Um, and then so that progressively so now you're doing how many dates a day to support your now you got a meth habit on top of crack? I mean, you're done with crack. Math is cheaper. Math is cheaper. Okay. Okay. So, like say I could spend $20 on meth and that would save me $400 on crack. Okay. So, Oh, wow. Like, yeah, it it was a lot it was a lot cheaper. Meth's a lot cheaper. A lot less work for you to have to do. Yeah. But I mean, I had like a $400 a day habit. I did the math when I was in jail and Yeah. $400 a day. So, do that over a course of a year, right? That's uh that's $144,000. Yeah. In one year. That's a lot of credit.

Um I was doing dates. Um I would do um 125 for a quick visit. Well, when I first started out, it was 150 for a quick visit. Um 200 for a half hour, 300 for an hour. There towards the end, I would do either 100 or 125 for a quick visit. Quick visits 15 minutes. um 175 for a half hour or 150 for a half hour and I still stayed firm on that 300 for an hour though. Um so yeah like so you had your regulars but then what was how what was it like meeting new John's? I mean that had to happen you know.

Yeah, it was kind of fun. Like I I found it kind of fun actually. I did because like I don't know. It was like it was like a challenge to me like see how fast I could get them off. Um you know I would always play the same songs. I would play [ __ ] Fleetwood Mac Dreams um Edge of 17 and then some uh In this Moment uh like heavy metal because like I I would go by songs because I wasn't a clock watcher. So, like once I hear in this moment, it would either like creep the guy out and he would just [ __ ] leave or I would be like, "All right, time's up." You know, but yeah, by time before Fleetwood Mag dreams was over and that's a 4 minute and 45 second song. I I'd be done like right that's crazy how you could time it out with the music, but that makes total sense.

Um, as far as as far as physical now, I mean, when you're when you're drinking and and uh on stimulants like that, you must not have had any appetite. Were you not even eating? And what was your physical like? What were you like? Oh, I was skinny. I was super skinny. I was uh I got I was down to like 125 pounds when I went into rehab. And I thought I looked good, too. Like I thought I looked sexy as hell, you know, like I had the flat stomach and you know, like, you know, when when I throw my makeup on, you know, I I thought I looked really [ __ ] good. But then like I'm looking back on those pictures now that I'm [ __ ] sober and I'm like, "Holy shit." Like I looked [ __ ] like sick. Like I I looked sick. Like now I weigh 190 because I can't stop [ __ ] eating. I cook. I work in a restaurant so all I do is [ __ ] cook. I mean eat, right? Cook and eat.

Yeah. Oh, that makes sense. I mean, I I totally get that. You I mean, you do take some vices for others. As far as um I I did I craved sugar obviously because alcohol is all sugar and that's one big thing. But I I you know, started eating cuz I felt so bad still. I felt bad for like a year and a half. I was still getting dizzy every single day. So, um I wanted to feel better. So, I just started eating healthy and exercising. But that's something that you know I had to do because I felt so bad. It wasn't like ah I'm going to work out and you know get in great shape. you know, I'm like, I I'm sick of feeling sick and tired, you know, and that's what it was of drinking every single day.

Um, so you talked about when we uh we first talked on the phone how you used to rob some of the guys. Were those new guys or were those guys towards the end that your regulars? Oh, yeah. No, these guys deserved it. Okay. Okay. Random guys I didn't know. It was um it was it was this one guy [ __ ] I called him Washington. Um you know, he he gave me his [ __ ] debit card. All right. Okay, I did the right thing for three months. Okay, I only took money out when I was supposed to. He started treating me like [ __ ] talking to me like [ __ ] and not wanting to pay me the proper amount. [ __ ] forgot that he gave me his debit card. And he [ __ ] he he would just start downtalking me and treating me like [ __ ] And I'm like, "Yeah, I know I'm a [ __ ] crackhead. I know I'm a prostitute. You're the one that called me. Remember, I didn't [ __ ] call you. I didn't seek you out on the internet. You found me. You knew what I was when you called me. So, I started taking $1,000 out a day and I got caught after like the 21st day.

Um, you did it for 21 days. I $20,000 from him. Yes, I did. Yes, I did. Oh my god. I was going to go to Texas. I was going to go to Texas. Um, I was going to go move in with my ex-wife, the stripper that I dated. I was gonna go down with her and uh get sober and uh yeah, I I got caught. Big surprise. Like, wait, how do I get caught when I'm going to the ATM and I don't have a [ __ ] mask or nothing on? I'm just like barefaced like [ __ ] withdrawing the money like [ __ ] dumbass. You know, they must have been building a case. I can't believe it took 21 days for that guy to figure out. That's when they got the That's when they got the bank statement and his wife found out. Oh, yeah. Oh, somebody. So, yeah. So, he said somebody stole his debit card and I'm like, "No, no, no. I did not steal the debit card. He gave it to me. Granted, I wasn't supposed to take $20,000, but he never told me I couldn't either. If you want to get technical, and like I mean, I do take accountability. I was in the wrong. Yes, I know. But at the same time, he was one that gave a [ __ ] crackhead prostitute a goddamn his [ __ ] debit card that had over $300,000 on it. Like, what what did you expect was going to happen, you know?

Yeah, that's not very logical. And like I never would have done that if he wouldn't have treated me like [ __ ] Like if he wouldn't have [ __ ] just started being mean and like aggressive towards me, I never would have done that. Like I I understand why his wife wanted to leave him. I totally [ __ ] get it. And I'm Wow. not surprised if they didn't get an abortion or not because I [ __ ] threw his ass under the bus in [ __ ] court. Like [ __ ] you. You sure did. I mean, he had to go to court either way. So, I mean, it was gonna come up. So, I mean, I didn't So, you So, you didn't get any any time or any charges for that then?

Oh, yeah. I did. Um, I got I got possession of a stolen debit card taken off, but I still got theft because I did steal the money. I admitted that I was like, he didn't tell me I could take that much, you know. Okay. So, what do you have to pay restitution? Did you have to pay it back or something? Yeah. So, did you have to do any time? Yeah. Oh, yeah. I've been in and out of jail a bunch. Um, yeah. Quite a bit of time for that. It's When did When did you first go in? Like, how old were you? Um, okay. So, the first time I went to jail was um was over that the debit card thing. That was in 2021. Um was it in 2020? Yeah. Yeah. I went to jail for Oh, wow. So, later in life. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'd never been I had I had a went to jail back in 2014 for DUI, but I chose to serve 10 days as opposed to doing a bunch of [ __ ] community service and paying a bunch of fines. So, I opted off on just serving 10 days. But that was the only time before that I had ever been in any trouble. You know, I had never even had a speeding besides that. I had never had a speeding ticket or a seat belt ticket up until I started doing a bunch of drugs. I had one DUI. That was it on my record. Let that be a lesson, folks. I mean, it just went off the rails. You know what I mean? From one time back when you were Yeah. 18 or whenever you got your DUI all the way up until like 2021. And then from cracked to meth to prostitution to just straight hell, man. My god. Oh, dude. I was I went,

Man, I went [ __ ] nuts, dude. And like, all all my friends around there were like, "Dude, like we didn't even know anything was wrong with you until you..." That's crazy. All the way [ __ ] down. Like, cuz I don't, I never like spoke, you know, cuz I was raised, you uh, you know, you don't, you don't cry. You don't, you know, you don't freaking talk about your feelings and [ __ ] You bottle that [ __ ] up and move on with your day. So, I never like spoke about what how I was feeling or or what was bothering me. So, I just always buried it in a [ __ ] joint or a [ __ ] bottle. And then I, I never really... I'm still learning how to regulate my emotions, you know?

Sure. Sure. Um, but yeah, jail, dude. Jail sucked. Um, it wasn't, it it sucked, but it didn't. It it it made me sit down and gave me time to reflect, right? And I remember like every time I went to jail, I'm like, "You know what? I wanna, I I want to stop living like this. I want to quit living like this. I just want to, you know, I want to be with my kids." Blah blah blah. You know, I'd get out of jail. I'd spend like a week or two with them, and then I'd just be right right back. I didn't have Narcotics Anonymous. I didn't have a program. You know, I didn't know about none of that. Um, so yeah, I was just in and out of jail a lot.

Um, so when you would go into jail each time because, you know, I, you sent me the mug shots and uh, you know, you could see the progression. Um, and so when you go to jail, are you getting sober when you go in or are they still sneaking drugs in there?

Uh, no. I was getting sober when I was...

Okay. So, how long in between times? What were your stances were? How long were you sober, I guess?

Okay. So, um, I had like a 28-day period. Um, I would have like a two-week period. Um, I had a 102-day period.

Okay.

Um, 38 days. Um, I did like three days and then like another week. Um, yeah.

So, you're getting arrested repeatedly. What are these for?

Yeah. Um, let's see. Mainly like failure to appear.

Oh, really? Oh, okay.

Yeah. A lot of them were from failure to appear. Uh, I got arrested... Oh. Huh. So I had got arrested one time. I was um... when was... Okay, so let me back up. So I had gone to jail for 38 days.

Mhm.

All right. Um, I had I had my daughter Parker, and I had gone to court because I was in my addiction when I was pregnant with her. I was on drugs while I was pregnant with her. Um, I had gotten her taken from me at the hospital. Um, and I had gone to detox after that, and I wanted to get better. I wanted to change my life around. You know, I was with this girl. She was, you know, going to help me through all this. Um, I had gone to court, uh, like a DCFS court for her, and I ended up getting arrested at DCFS court because I had a warrant I didn't know about. So, I go to jail for 38 days.

Oh, wow.

I get out and three things happen when you go to jail and you're dating a heroin addict. Okay. Your house gets broken into and robbed. Um, your dog gets killed, and uh, your girlfriend's [ __ ] big dick Bob down the street.

Oh.

So I had a little mental breakdown when I got out because like, we're we're supposed to live like the fairy tale life, you know? She was supposed to get off drugs. I was going to get off drugs. You know, I was going to get my kid back. Um, so I I get home and just like everything I had worked for is just gone. Like, um, I had like every tool from Lowe's that I had these boosters steal for me in a bedroom. Like, I had one bedroom just full of [ __ ] tools. Like, no [ __ ] Um, I had two motorcycles stolen. Um, like just thousands of dollars worth of [ __ ] just gone. And I went [ __ ] nuts. And I stayed up for 11 days straight doing every [ __ ] drug I could get my hand on because I was going to go to rehab and I said, "Fuck this." You know, I was going to make her life miserable is what my my goal was. I was going to make her life [ __ ] miserable because she made mine miserable. And um, I ended up I ended up at Walmart in Washington. I have no idea how I got there. No idea why I was there. Don't even remember going in there. Um, apparently I tried... Washington of all places. Yeah. I I I apparently tried stealing a toolkit. I got caught obviously. Um, so next thing I know is I wake up and I'm in [ __ ] jail again. Um, so and I and I slept in the transfer cell. They let me sleep in the transfer cell for 36 hours straight.

Wow.

Um, I had a bond um, I had a bond of like $600. I had $450 on me. I could have made one phone call and got out. I chose to sit in jail for two weeks after that because I just needed to like, what the [ __ ] you know? I was just like, "What the fuck?" And then there was this chick in there that I liked. Uh, [ __ ] this girl Jessica always had the hots for. And um, I ended up me and her, we we kind of... that's a whole another [ __ ] story, man. So that had nothing to do with wanting to stay in jail for another two weeks.

No. No.

I end up I end up [ __ ] eating her [ __ ] and [ __ ] in the shower and [ __ ] and like I was joking around and I was like she put that out for a [ __ ] honey bun and a cup of coffee.

Oh my god, that's funny. See, that's a difference. You have fun when you go to jail.

Not all the time. I did. I did have fun. I did have fun the few times I went. Um, the one time I didn't have fun, I remember it was um, this was in 2022. Um, yeah, so my sister um, God, I still have a hard time talking about her. Um, my sister had broke her ankle right when CO had first started. Um, I was staying with her because I was trying to get clean. Um, I was doing, this is in 2020. Um, end of 2019, 2020 I was doing, uh, outpatient cuz I had another daughter, Riley. Um, I was pregnant with Riley in 2019. Um, that was when I first started smoking crack. I kept trying to quit smoking, but I was pregnant and I kept relapsing. Um, I didn't have a program. Um, so I had her. Um, I end up staying with my sister um, right when CO first hits because um, Riley's dad didn't want me going back and forth from Poria to his place because of CO because he was freaked out about it. Um, and so I was staying with her. She had a broken ankle. Now, mind you, she has eight boys and one girl. Um, you know, I was helping her with the house. Um, and I get told because of COVID, I don't have to do any drug tests. So I'm like, "Oh, [ __ ] yeah." So, you know, I'm drinking a couple beers, you know, I'm [ __ ] eating my nephew's [ __ ] Adderall and [ __ ] Um, like, and um she gets mad at me and uh tells me I'm an addict, that I have a problem and I need to get help. And um, I got pissed at her because I'm not a [ __ ] addict. I'm not a drug addict, you know? I didn't have a problem. I just like to have fun. Where where the [ __ ] is that problem? Who the [ __ ] are you to tell me I have a problem? So, I I I I leave. I don't talk to her again. I told her, "Don't ever [ __ ] talk to me again."

Okay.

I find out in 2022. Um, that she was sick. She had found out she had ALS. Um, and nobody in my family told me that she was sick. So the whole time from CO until 20 until just like December or right after Thanksgiving in 2022, nobody in my family told me she was sick. Told me she had ALS, that she was just slowly losing like everything. And um, I find out she's sick. um, in December of 2022. Um, I lose my [ __ ] mind cuz the first time I see her in two and a half years, she's in a hospital bed, completely paralyzed. Like she can't because the because of ALS, she can't like it um destroys your uh muscular like your nervous system. Brain can't move and stuff like she had a trick in. She couldn't [ __ ] talk. Um, and so I I find out about it through a friend of the family and said, "Hey, you need to go see her sister. She's not doing good." I'm like, "Well, what do you mean?" He's like, "Well, she's on life support right now." And I'm like, "Oh, [ __ ] She's in a car wreck." And they were like, "No." She's like, "What do you mean?" She's like, "No, she's sick, dude." And yeah, so I see that I go and see her and um, I'm still I'm trying to process it like what the [ __ ] going on. And um, she gets out of the hospital, she gets back home and I'm like trying to make myself go and see her, but I can't because like I'm just so ashamed of myself. And then it was Christmas and it was the day after I spent Christmas alone because like I was just so embarrassed of myself and so ashamed of myself. This is in 2022 and um, the day after and it was Christmas day and my friend Mishay comes over and I I wasn't I didn't answer the door. I listened to the people knock on the door all [ __ ] day at my little trap house and I didn't answer and Shay comes. I open the door, let him in. We're smoking and [ __ ] I leave to go get some more dope with uh one of my girlfriends at the time. And when I get back, I find him dead on my floor.

Oh my god.

And um, I call the cops. Um, well, I I narcan him because at first I thought he got, you know, uh my ex's [ __ ] [ __ ] because she was a heroin addict. I thought, you know, maybe he got into some of her [ __ ] waiting for me to get back with some more dope. And I [ __ ] narcanned him. I hit him uh three times with the nasal and twice with the injection. [ __ ] pumping him. [ __ ] Paramedics come and [ __ ] Um, cops knew me. I had a [ __ ] warrant. Um, they arrest me and uh, like right before I'm getting ready to go to jail, I'm like, "Oh, [ __ ] I got [ __ ] dope on me." Like, I just went and picked up a bag. So, I'm like, "Hey, can I go to the bathroom and freaking change my clothes?" So, I'm sitting in the bathroom and I'm just [ __ ] smoking like all my [ __ ] like really fast. Like, and I know the cops hear me like hitting that [ __ ] pipe in the goddamn bathroom, you know? And I'm still in a state of shock because I I had all he had was like a teen of crack and I got a teen of crack and a teen of coke. So I smoke all that crack really fast and I don't even realize it but I take the coke and I put it in my [ __ ] pocket. Like the whole point of me going to the bathroom was [ __ ] flush and I put the [ __ ] in my pocket.

Oh my god.

All right. So the cops arrest me. I go to Poria County. They search they search me before I go in the car. They search me at Poria County Jail. They search me before they transfer me to Tazwell County. And they search me at Tazwell County.

Okay. Tell me how the [ __ ] that bag of coke was still in my pocket.

And I wake up and the [ __ ] transfer cell to this [ __ ] comes in. She's like, "Oh, Rachel, how are you?" And I'm like, "God damn it, dude." I'm like, "If my life already doesn't [ __ ] suck, there's this dumb hoard that just came in here." So I get up and there's that bag of coke laying on the floor. I'm like, "Oh, fuck." So I'm like, "Okay, here." She sees it. So I'm like, "All right." So I do some with her that way. You know, I was like, "Hey, don't [ __ ] snitch on me and we both can get high in [ __ ] jail." Well, she [ __ ] snitches on me.

Oh, jeez.

Right off. So, so like the guard comes in. I hurry up and [ __ ] swallow it, you know? Um, they freaking take me to the hospital, this and that. Do like the X-ray. They can't [ __ ] find it, the baggie or whatever. And I mean, I'm hot as [ __ ] you know? And I'm like I looked at the I looked at the CO and I was like dude I was like I was like let me out of these [ __ ] I said let me out of these handcuffs and I was like let's see who can run faster me or you.

Probably you.

Yeah. She was like I don't know. She's like I just have my She's like I just finished drinking my Monster and I you know I'm just clocking in. And I was like all right. I mean that CO was pretty cool but um wow that's hilarious. Anyway so they put me in SEG. So, for the next 28 days, I am in a cell by myself just finding out my sister's sick. Just find out my find my [ __ ] best friend dead on my floor. And I'm thinking I'm the reason he's [ __ ] dead. Like, I went [ __ ] mental. Like, I I I I lost my [ __ ] mind. Like, absolutely lost my [ __ ] mind sitting in there. Like, sitting in a cell 23 hours a day and one hour out like that for a month. Like, [ __ ] dude. [ __ ] Like I I feel like I had a spiritual awakening at that moment. Like I mean I just like I knew what I wanted to do with my life and I knew what I needed to do to do it. Um, so it was in January of 2023. Um, I get out. Um, I plea off on everything just so I can get the [ __ ] out there. Like if you plead guilty, we'll give you time served. Two and a half years probation. I said do it. [ __ ] do it. I I just went out. I want to go see my sister before she fucking's dead.

Sure.

You know, so I get out and I go see her out in Lincoln. Um, I was staying at a little [ __ ] Motel 6 across the street from the the nursing home she's in. And like that's just rough, dude. Like I couldn't do it. Like I should have been there for her, but I couldn't like like I chose the drugs over being with my sister before she [ __ ] died because I mean her dying was inevitable. like it's ALS, you know, right? And I tried to be there. I really did. But I just I couldn't I couldn't process everything. I didn't know how to process it. I didn't have a program and it just [ __ ] sucked, man. I'm so sorry. And then she passed away April April 18th of 2023. And I just went [ __ ] just balls to the wall. Like [ __ ] just pity party [ __ ] poor me. My life sucks. Blah blah blah. Like I just I stopped caring. Um, I just I wanted to die. Like I really wanted to die. Um, I tried killing myself, but I [ __ ] suck at killing myself.

Well, I'm glad to hear that that you suck at killing yourself. Listen, I wanted to tell you I wanted to like I was on my motorcycle and I wanted this is like two days before three days before I go into rehab and I wanted like a stance of Anarchy. I was on my motorcycle. I wanted to do like the ending scene where he went like head on with a [ __ ] semi. I'm on 74. I'm like, "All right, I'm just going to hit a semi head on." And I'm like, "Oh, wait. The interstate's a [ __ ] divided highway." Like, you can't head on a semi when you're going the same [ __ ] traffic.

So tough.

And my bike just cuts off and dies right there at the um, kickoo exit.

Oh wow.

And I collected myself and I went to rehab three days later and that was in December of 2023. Well, I was going to tell you um as far as losing someone, I lost my mother and I'm I'm going to tell you right now, it's super painful and all I wanted to do was crawl inside a bottle and I said, "I'll just drink myself to death. I'll see my mom that much sooner, but I knew, you know, that's not how you get into heaven." But trust me, they're both looking down on us now. And they are so proud. And I'm super proud of you, too. everything we've been talking about and you being sitting here right in front of me sober, the odds are against you and and to be sober for this long and still jamming along. Man, you're killing it. You're killing it right now. So, super proud of you. So, to to get on a little bit of a a lighter note and bring some comedy into this. Um, you had told me about the different nicknames you had for some of the dates that you had on your phone. Can you tell me about that?

Okay, so I had uh, let's see here. We would have like like what $100 [ __ ] guy. Um, I had a freaking uh, what was it? It was like Kevin McWanccock. Um, freaking uh, or or I would have like you know what they drove. It would be like Chevy pickup or or white Impala freaking um piece of [ __ ] Dodge. Freaking I had um what is it? Um, Asian Persuasion. Um, Tex. Uh, what was another one? Um, uh, was it mushroom dick? Because his dick seriously looked like like a mushroom. Like it like...

Oh my god.

Doesn't look like that. He was like, it was like a mushroom [ __ ] guy. Mushroom top. Yeah. I had 32nd Kyle. I don't know if his name was Kyle or not, but like I mean my mouth touched his dick and he [ __ ] nutted and I was like, "Still that 300, [ __ ] Like you paid for an hour. It's not my fault. You done it in 30 seconds. That's all you got me. Like that was the best bargain.

Yeah.

But I mean, at the end of the day, they were paying for my time, not my services. So, I mean, if you wanted to sit there for another hour, I mean, that's fine. We could talk about [ __ ] whatever, but you know, so I did not, sorry, I should rephrase that. I did not trade sex for money. Okay? I traded time for money. I spent time with him. Now, what we do in that time, that's a different story. It's whatever I want to do because it's my time, but I do not have money.

Understood.

Had to throw a little disclaimer in there. I'm still...

That sounds legit. I think that'll hold up. That'll hold up in court.

Allegedly.

Allegedly. I alleged. This is all for education or no.

Um, not education. Educational purposes only.

Yeah. Yeah. For sure. This is all purposes. This is for entertainment purposes only and educational purposes only. This is purely entertainment, folks. No one was hurt during the filming of this video. Um, so we're all the way up till now you're saying, "Okay, terrible things happened. You went on a complete bender. You're doing crazy shit." I mean, you're you're at the pinnacle of craziness in your life right now. I mean, if you were to watch a movie about this, people would be like, "Man, that [ __ ] is crazy."

Yeah. Yeah.

So, now you get you get to a chance to uh for the first time, it sounds like go go go to a real professional rehab facility. Uh, talk talk about that and when did that happen?

[ __ ] I went to I found this rehab place uh called Rose Cran. Um, they have a facility up in Rockford and down in Champagne, but their...

Detox is in Rockford. Um, I told them I was a severe alcoholic, drug addict. Um, I did crack and, you know, cocaine, meth, whatever. Um, they got me in the next day. So, I spent five days up there, and those five days I literally just slept. Got up, eight, slept, eight, slept. And um, then I had a time period. It was like 10 days before I had to be, from after I got out of detox before I could get in down, uh, down in Champaign. And I [ __ ] relapsed, of course. Um, but yeah, I end up, uh, end up getting to Champaign.

And, you know, this was my first time in rehab. Um, I was never court-ordered to go. Um, nobody made me go. I just, I just woke up one day and I was like, “I, I don’t want to live like this anymore.” Like, sure. I, I don’t, I can’t, I can’t keep doing this. And, you know, I haven’t looked back since. You know, I, I did a 30-day inpatient treatment down at Champaign. And then I was given the opportunity to stay in a sober living house, um, down there, um, through CU at home. And I stayed with them for almost a year. And I switched, uh, programs from CU at home to, uh, Good Old Wind Recovery.

Nice. Very cool. And, uh, I was, I was with Wind for a month, and then I was given an opportunity, and that was, uh, right around the time that I had wrecked my motorcycle too, because I wrecked my motorcycle in July, and then I switched programs to Wind in August, and I was given, uh, an opportunity to, uh, cook up here at gyms and, um, come be closer to my kids.

Cool. So, because the job I was working down in Champaign, it was, uh, through Prosperity Gardens, and it, it’s a really laborious job. Like, I mean, it’s a lot of work. I was doing a lot of the construction stuff there. Um, built, uh, 200-foot-long, uh, high tunnel greenhouses.

Gotcha. Um, and plus it’s seasonal, so the season was coming to an end. So, I mean, I was given an opportunity to come back home and be with my kids, and I, I jumped. Oh, yeah. Um, that’s great. So, uh, speaking of your kids, how are they reacting to the new sober mom?

Oh, they love it. Yeah, they love it. That’s awesome. Uh, yeah, my 16-year-old, he loves it. But, um, he hates it at the same time because I’m actually, you know, like, uh, “no, buddy, I know what you’re doing.” You’re present. Yeah. He loves, he loves the present mom, but he hates it at the same time because I’m like, “Buddy, you can’t, you can’t pull [ __ ] me. Can’t pull any [ __ ]. You know, I know, I know what you’re doing, okay?” You know, I mean, he, he’s out drinking with his friends here and there, you know, but I mean, teenage boy. I mean, he’s 16, you know, and

Yeah, for sure. All I, all I can do is just tell him what I experienced. And I, you know, because I, it’s, I know exactly how my [ __ ] sister felt about me. I just, she wanted to grab my head and just [ __ ] shake me and be like, “You’re [ __ ] stupid. Just listen to me.” And yeah, so I know how she feels now. Like, I’m like, “Fuck, you can’t do, you can’t do it. You can’t do anything.”

So, I’m gonna ask you, uh, these last two questions here. This one is, um, what have you learned about yourself since you’ve been sober? Because I know a lot of people, because everything’s so real. I know it was for me.

Yeah. Oh gosh, that is a very good question, huh? Um, man, man, that really kind of put me on the spot there. What have I learned?

Share your feelings with the group. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I, uh, I learned that my traumas don’t have to define me. Um, there, I don’t have to, what is it? Like, I, I used to always make excuses on why I would do things. I would always validate, like, you know, my shitty behavior because of this or that. But like, I, I don’t have to do that. I learned that I can just accept the things that happened to me, happened to me and just move on, you know? I, I’ve learned that, um, I am actually a very forgiving person. Um, uh, I learned, I learned that I’m really codependent, too. I’m a codependent as [ __ ]. I’m taking a codependency class right now. Um, so what else have I learned? I, I learned that, um, even like with all the bad [ __ ] that I’ve done, I can still make a good life.

Yeah. Oh yeah. You’re young. I can still come back for that, you know, for sure. Yeah. My past doesn’t define me anymore, you know.

Absolutely. You know, just, I mean, those are great. That, that’s a great response. Um, now a very serious question. Not talking to your kids, but if you could go back into a Time Machine and talk to the, we’ll say 11, 12, 13-year-old Rachel, thank her hard and be honest. What would you tell her?

Um, I would tell her, stay away from the partying. Like, you don’t have to be the cool kid. Like, you don’t have to impress your friends, you know? Um, you don’t, don’t, don’t care what other people think about you. Um, spend time with your sister, you know, love your sister. Like, I mean, my sister’s 14 years old, 14 years older than me, and, um, you know, just cherish that time, you know, don’t try and grow up too fast. Life’s, life’s short enough as it is, but like, I just remember always wanting to be older, you know, when I was a teenager. I just, I couldn’t wait till I was 18. I couldn’t wait till I was 21, you know, I spent my whole childhood rushing to be an adult for, you know,

Yep. That’s great advice. That’s great advice. Well, listen, this has not only been a crazy, uh, story, but a very motivating one because look at you now. You know, I’m super proud of you. That’s awesome. My fellow Peorian sister there. Um, so, it’s so great to, uh, finally get to meet you face to face. And, uh, we’re going to do part two, guys, next weekend, uh, if we can get her back on the phone, and we got a lot more stories to talk about, but it’s been great having you on the phone. Thanks for watching Breaking Chains of Sober Mindset. I’m Rodney. She’s Rachel. And remember, God loves you and so do I. Peace.