I FELL IN LOVE WITH MY PSYCHIATRIST – The Complete TikTok Series

I fell in love with my psychiatrist, and he knew. He kept me until I had the strength to leave after 4 years. Here it is, part one.

So, I decided to go back on ADHD meds after many years of being off of them. I was on them in my early 20s to help me get through college, and then I went off of them because the side effects were too much over the benefits. But then in my late 20s, I read this book, "Taking Charge of Adult ADHD," and it absolutely changed my life for my fellow ADHDers. There are so many good things in here. And the biggest thing that I took away was that it's very important for ADHDers to be on meds. So, I decided to make an appointment with a psychiatrist. I just Googled psychiatry in the city that I lived in, and I went with the first one that came up. And I got an appointment within a month, and then I booked a 90-minute intake. And I show up to the intake, and this man is my age, and I can't help but notice that he's pretty attractive, this psychiatrist. And he kept me anyway. Part two.

So, in this intake, you know, I kind of clocked that he was attractive and my age, but when I tell you that I've had a lot of couch time in my life, a lot of therapy, you know, I just went right into it. I trusted him enough, of course, why wouldn't I, to tell him about my childhood trauma, my daddy issues, if you will, um, what I had went through, all of the relationship trauma that I had. I was 6 months sober at this time, but like all of the drinking and substance use I used to do. And, um, he just listened and nodded. And that's the thing about psychiatrists is that they're good at pretending to listen. They can appear connected, but that doesn't mean that they're always connected. So I just felt really seen. And I also told him, I was like, "Look, I don't want to be on stimulant meds." So, he listened to me and he put me on the non-stimulant ADHD med at the lowest dose just to figure out if it was going to work for me.

Part three. So, I hadn't ever seen a psychiatrist before. When I was on meds in my early 20s, I didn't, I only got meds from my primary care physician. So, I didn't understand how psychiatry works. So, because he was figuring out my med dose, I saw him every month. And he just made me feel like I was his friend. He was really, really funny and cracked jokes and, um, told me he was impressed with my running that I would do. And, yeah, so of course I loved the attention that I got from him. And it was in my third session with him, cuz at this point we were all on Zoom, that I asked him, I said, "Hey, do you mind if I call you by your first name?" And he's Pakistani, so I said his first name wrong. And he said, "Well, it's pronounced this, but yes, of course you can." And he seemed so smug and happy with himself. And I know that that is because that was his first sign that him pretending like we're friends was working. And to be fair to me, I had only ever been to therapy before. I didn't realize that, you know, it's important to call your doctor doctor last name. I mean, I did know that. I did it with all my other doctors, but it just showed that the boundaries were blurring, and he liked that. So from then on, from my third session on, I started calling him his first name. And then he just started turning up the volume on us being friendly. And he would ask me, for the first six sessions, he asked me after the meds, he said, "How's your bowels, bladder, and appetite?" And I would say, "They're all normal." And then he would ask me, "Any thoughts of harm?" And apparently that's pretty common for psychiatry to ask those questions. And then on our sixth session, when things were really, you know, the chemistry was starting to be there, before like I didn't realize it, I was like, "Oh, this man is just friendly." Um, and he said, he said, "I have to ask this because it's a special interest of mine, but is there any thoughts of harm?" Like I was special to him. And I said, "No, no thoughts of harm." And he didn't ever ask me a clinical question again. He stopped asking me about my bladder, bowels, and appetite, and he stopped asking me about thoughts of harm. So to me, I would just show up and he was like a therapy appointment every month. So I was seeing him every month and just gaining more and more respect for him because he would just tell me these little things about his successes and all of the cool things that he was doing in his life. And it made me fall for him, honestly. And he was really good at listening. And I mean, he's a Pisces, right? So, of course, he's going to be there and be able to go deep with my feelings, but that doesn't mean that he wasn't extracting from them anyway.

So, I would beg him to let me see him every week. Beg him because my therapist at the time, he was fine. You know, he wasn't a predator, but he was fine. He just wasn't doing very much for me. And so that therapist retired, and I got a new therapist. And this new therapist, who is a 75-year-old woman with a PhD, she was pretty helpful. So I stopped asking my psychiatrist, begging honestly, to be my therapist and let me see him more, right? Which also should have been a red flag. But then I started focusing on this therapist. However, I would tell the therapist how obsessed I was with my psychiatrist, and she didn't do anything about it. She just was interested. She also loved stories about my dating life. And, yeah, she, she also was getting supply from me in her own way, but that's for another part. So, yes, so I got a new therapist who actually helped me. She taught me CBT, EFT, all of these different modalities. And so I went back to just being okay with seeing him once a month while he was giving me these little breadcrumbs of making me feel special, telling me about his professional achievements, telling me about how he's getting international recognition. And it worked. I was really impressed. See me weekly, and that is when the intermittent reinforcement started. Some sessions he'd be warm and kind and wonderful and let me in on little parts of his life and like be vulnerable with me or pretend. Other sessions he would be cold and clinical and detached. And you know what that did? It made me work harder in our next sessions. It did. And it started the addiction that I had to him, 100%. And he knew exactly what he was doing. This man gives lectures on trauma and attachment theory. He used his psychiatric training to manipulate me and get me hooked. And guess what? It worked.

In January of 2024, I was hit by a car turning left as I was going through a green light. And it was the night before my appointment, my next appointment with my psychiatrist. So, I was like, "Okay, you know, I'll still be able to go to my appointment on Zoom. I'm okay." But I did make an appointment with an urgent care the next day just to get checked out. I had bruising on my abdomen and a perforated eardrum. And the provider at the urgent care said, "I do not feel comfortable treating you. You need to seek emergency care now. You may be internally bleeding." But it was 11:00 in the morning, and my appointment with my psychiatrist was at 2:00. So, I decided that I was going to wait so I could see my psychiatrist and not have to reschedule because I was looking forward to my appointment with him so much. I look back at that time and I'm just like, "Oh my god, I put my own life, um, under seeing him." I was fully addicted to him at this point. And you know what happened is that I showed up and I told him that I may be internally bleeding. And he didn't stop the appointment. He didn't say, "You need to take care of yourself. Go get emergency care now." He let me continue and just tell him about how much I loved him and how grateful I was for him, cuz that was really what most of our appointments were, is me just like pouring myself out because he was so good at the intermittent reinforcement. Yeah. I got some warmth from him that appointment. So that was January 2023. And I also told my therapist about this. She said nothing. See him. That's when he really started turning up the intimacy in our appointments. However, he was really smart and knew the professional lines like the back of his hand. So, he would comment on my appearance, but not compliment my appearance. So, I would come on screen and he would say, "Oh, you curled your hair." Or I would come on screen and he would say, "Oh, you're wearing glasses." And of course, I felt seen and excited that he was noticing these things about me. I didn't realize at this time that he had feelings for me, too. I thought I was holding them all by myself. So, I was so excited when he noticed my glasses that I ran and showed him my other pair. And he said, "I prefer turtle shell glasses." So, even though I usually wear contacts, I'm wearing these turtle shell glasses in these videos because, just in case he sees them ever, he'll see me in his favorite glasses. He did tell me he likes the turtle shell. Anyway, it was just inappropriate things like that. Little teeny things that he let me in. And all this time, my best friend is an emergency medicine physician. And she told me, she said, "Kendra, one of these days, your psychiatrist, she would use his name, is going to say, 'I can't be your doctor anymore. I have to, I want to be with you. I want to be with you so bad. I can't be your doctor. I'll see you in 2 years.'" So, my best friend, who's a doctor, she picks up on stuff like that. So, even she knew that our relationship was crossing boundaries and getting weird. But that was like, that became my dream was for, um, my psychiatrist. I almost used Jesus' name to do that. And I told him about Briana's saying that my best friend, who's the emergency medical doc. I told him that she would tell me that, and he just would be silent. He didn't disagree, but he didn't agree, you know? And that was weaponized neutrality was his favorite game to play, right? He didn't disagree with Briana telling me that my psychiatrist had feelings for me, but he also didn't say, "That's inappropriate. Let's change the subject."

It was also around this time that I asked my psychiatrist if he had diagnosed me with anything other than ADHD when I had my initial diagnosis. And he said, "Yeah, I did." I said, "Oh, what did you diagnose me with?" And he said, "Well, you had a lot of traumatic things happen to you in childhood because of your dad, and so I diagnosed you with other trauma and stressor related disorder." And that was the first little ping that I got of like, "That was weird. Why would he keep that from me?" I asked my like, "Why wouldn't he tell me that? That seems important." He didn't tell me because he was using that information to manipulate me. He knew I had trauma and stressor disorder, and instead of helping me heal from it and telling me about it, he used it against me.

January 2023. At this point, I was full-blown obsessed with my psychiatrist. And my therapist wasn't helping me. My psychiatrist wasn't helping me. He was feeding it. And then I got a boyfriend. And at first, my psychiatrist wasn't really that keen. But then my psychiatrist realized that my boyfriend was a lot like my psychiatrist. And then I started talking to my psychiatrist about my sex life, about tracking my cycle, using the fertility awareness method. Um, and my psychiatrist loved it. He didn't never say, "This isn't inappropriate to your care. Let's pivot." Oh, he just let me talk and talk and talk about my sex life. And I didn't get too deep. But about a year and a half in, and I would send my psychiatrist these emails just about how much I liked him and how I was so grateful for him and put in a bunch of heart emojis. And this is really when he should have transferred my care, but, you know, he waited. He liked what I gave him too much. And so even though my boyfriend did not meet my needs, my psychiatrist and my therapist both were like, "You have to stay with him. There's nothing wrong with him not meeting your needs." I'm like, "Okay." And my psychiatrist was like, "He's perfect. Don't get wrong with him." And what was perfect about him was he wasn't meeting my needs. So I was still coming to my psychiatrist looking for emotional validation, which he would drip to me slowly.

So, my therapist, who I didn't know at this time, had bad boundaries, but she did. I went to her because my boyfriend and I, after like more than a year together, we started having issues in the bedroom. And so, I went to my therapist and she asked me, "What does your psychiatrist think about this?" And I said, "I don't know. I haven't talked to my psychiatrist about this stuff because I have a crush on my psychiatrist and I don't want to tell him this intimate of stuff." And she said, "Well, you should tell him because I want a male's perspective." So, at my next appointment with my psychiatrist, I told him, I said, "Today we're going to talk about my intimate life." And he said, "Oh." I said, "Yes. My psych, my psychologist, my therapist asked what your opinion on it was. And I told her that I don't talk to you about this intimate stuff because I have a crush on you." And he looked down and smiled so big in that moment. He smiled so big, and I loved it. It's so gross thinking about it. And then I proceeded to give him 30 minutes of nonstop content about my intimate life with my boyfriend. And I actually recorded the whole thing because I was so excited about it. But now it makes me sick. I can't even listen to the recording. I've tried, um, to start, but it's gross. Any ethical psychiatrist would have stopped me and said, "Kendra, let's talk about your meds. Let's talk about your care." At this point, my meds were stable. Um, and I was still seeing him every month. Yeah, that, that was a, that was a rough time. And it was pretty much his Christmas morning. The almost 2 and a half years of grooming me to get me to talk about sexual things with him worked. And he got 30 minutes of non-stop content to use things.

One, people are asking me what my mental health diagnosis is. I do not have BPD. I do not have psychosis. I have ADHD. And I was experiencing extreme limerence with my psychiatrist. Limerence is a normal thing to happen to anyone who is experiencing hot and cold behavior from someone. And it happens more often in people with ADHD because we have dopamine dysregulation and rejection sensitive dysphoria. And guess what? My psychiatrist knew that and used it to his advantage.

Two, I accidentally said my psychiatrist's first name in one of my videos. If you clocked it, good. Good for you. I do not owe him anonymity. However, this is not about doxing my psychiatrist. This is about me sharing my story. So other people can view predatory behavior in people in power. Okay? If anyone doxes my psychiatrist with his last name or city that he works in or clinic that he works in, you, your comment will be immediately deleted and you will be blocked. This is about protecting other victims, not doxing my psychiatrist. If you do some investigative work and you want to DM me about it, I'm open to that. Okay.

Three. I need to take a moment. Moment taken. It is so incredibly disturbing to me the amount of people that are predator protectors in my comments, that are victim-blaming me. Especially the mental health practitioners in my comments using therapy speak to say that this situation that I was in was my fault or that I was delusional. Check yourself. You're giving me more ammunition to share my story because it just goes to show how absolutely messed up the mental health industry is and how protected people who do this kind of sick psychological manipulation are. So, I will continue with my story.

Welcome back to another installment of "I was in love with my psychiatrist and he kept me anyway," part 8. You all did some nasty work last night, and I had to turn off comments. Um, people started posting my psychiatrist's first and last name, his picture in the comments. That was a jump scare. So, yeah, a few bad actors who wanted to be super sleuths got the privilege of commenting, mostly hate, let's be real, um, taken away for everyone. So, at this point in the story, there are two main players: my psychiatrist, who's my age, who crossed major ethical boundaries, and my therapist, who is a 75-year-old woman with a PhD. Neither of these people, at this point in the story, I knew were crossing boundaries. I thought that everything was hunky-dory and that I was just in love with my psychiatrist, and it was totally normal. Little did I know, he was manufacturing everything so I could fall in love with him, cuz it was on him to set the professional boundary and not let attention build.

So, days after my psychiatrist's Christmas morning appointment from a few videos back, where he got a crush confession from me and then 30 minutes of non-stop intimate content that he did not stop me, my boyfriend and I broke up. Days later. So, then I started dating this other guy. And this other guy, this new guy was a therapist. And I was like, "Oh, great. Someone who will be able to emotionally meet my needs." Yeah, I'm not going to date another therapist again. So, this therapist and I, we went for coffee. It was nice. Our second date was a hike. And on this hike, this therapist starts telling me about how he has a crush on one of his clients. And I thought to myself, "Okay, this is strange, but go ahead. Like, we're on a date, dude. Why are you telling me about a crush on one of your clients?" But go off, king. Um, so then he was saying, "Yeah, she's so attractive and I think she likes me too. I go and visit her at work and her co-workers say, 'Oh, so-and-so talks about you all the time.'" And I was like, "Okay, where does she work?" And he said, "Well, I shouldn't tell you that cuz I really shouldn't be visiting her anyway." I was like, "Okay, no problem." So then he continues and he said, "Yeah, she wears these red lacy panties and short skirts and I know she wears them for me." And like alarm bells were going off in my head. Mind you, I had no idea that my psychiatrist had similar feelings towards me at this point, but I just thought, "Wow, this man is borderline predatory." And he said, "Yeah, and you know, she just is so attractive that I have to smash mermaid before every session because I just have to get that energy out of me." And I was like, "What the fuck?" Okay. Um, and yeah, he just felt compelled to tell me, and I did not understand why. Now I do. So, he told me about how he's a predator, right? Another predator in the mental health industry. Shocker.

So then at my next appointment with my psychiatrist, keep in mind it had been 6 weeks of non-stop fun for this man. He got to use my crush confession and 30 minutes of content, oh, for whatever he wanted to use it for, right? And if my psychiatrist was good at anything, it was being professional and acting professional and technically not crossing any lines. And he thought that he was so good at it, cuz he was. He was good at it, but that doesn't mean he wasn't doing it. And so I told him, I said, "Yeah, Bo and I broke up." Uh, he had known about this other guy, my psychiatrist, I had mentioned him, um, and I told him that this new guy and I went on a date and we went on a hike. And I literally had no idea at this point, I'll say it again, that my psychiatrist was predatory towards me. I almost said his first name again. I'm going to do my best to not. So, I went to my psychiatrist and I told him this story about this man that I went on a date with who's a therapist is relieving himself before appointments and talking about his client's panties and doing all of these other extremely inappropriate things like visiting her at work. And this, this man, my psychiatrist, looked like he had seen a ghost and like he was going to vomit because he prided himself on being an extremely professional and buttoned-up person. But here I was holding a mirror to him with exactly what he was doing, but a bumbling idiot telling me like how he was doing it without the fancy degree, without any of that. I look back on that now and it's just crazy. And so it just tainted all the fantasy material that I had given him the session before.

Hi, I need to say something really important, and that's that it seems as though many people view what I'm going through as a crash out, what I'm doing as a mental health spiral. And of course, it seems like that. I get it. It's an extremely dark thing to talk about all of this that I went through. And I am sharing my story because it wasn't out there. No one else has shared a story like this. But I know that it happens a lot because people are in my DMs telling me that the same thing that I went through, they went through too. I am now in TikTok jail. Um, I got a violation on the video where I talked about, really, the biggest damning evidence against my psychiatrist. Um, and so because of that, I have to be really careful. So, I'm going to do my very best to not be reactive and to share my story from a place of generosity because the people in my DMs telling me that they've been through this too, it's keeping me going. It's not my mental health spiral. And I can understand that for some people in the mental health space because they have been some of the loudest people to speak out against what I'm doing. It's hard to grasp that someone could have this level of predation in such a high place of power. So, just in case my video doesn't get put back up, when everything changed was when my 75-year-old therapist, I went to her with intimate details, and she suggested I go to my psychiatrist with them. And I felt so excited and nervous to share that with him because I had such a big crush on him at the time. And I recorded all, all 33 minutes. So this is why, you know, if my psychiatrist wants to come with me and like sue me for defamation, I have a 33-minute recording of me admitting I have a crush on him and speaking about extremely intimate details. It was in that moment that he really, really should have transferred my care. Um, but he, that moment changed everything for him, too. Because that's when things really started getting deep between us. And this is where the story is going to go from now. It's going to be a good story. And I'm going to try to tell it all today. Um, just in case one of my videos does get banned so people can hear it. But just know, if you're concerned for my mental health, thank you. Um, I am very good. More than good, actually. And I am actually a coach for ADHDers. It says it in my bio. And I help people work through self-limiting beliefs. I help people work through numbing with alcohol and cannabis because these are the things that so many of us do to avoid our truths. And this is my truth and what I went through.

So this is when the chemistry really started going off the charts with me and my psychiatrist. And I held it alone for months, like after that Christmas morning appointment of his and then after I innocently told him about my date with the therapist. Um, he really started letting me in more and showing more parts of himself and, you know, turning up the intimacy. And that was exciting to me and it made me fall for him more. And I noticed that he was working in an office, and I asked him, this was like July. I asked him, I said, "Hey, um, are you working from home?" Cuz I was under the assumption that he was only doing telehealth. Okay. And he said, "No, I come into the office." I was like, "Oh, why do you do that if you see all of your patients telehealth?" He's like, "Oh, I just, I like it that way." And even though I could kind of tell he was lying, I just gaslit myself. I was like, "Okay, it's fine." And then, um, I start emailing him my fun little emails, but he stops writing me back. He does not write back to my emails anymore. Um, cuz once again, he was really good at plausible deniability. But what he did do is he would take my emails and mention them in session. So, he would still give me the attention that I was craving, but only under his structure, under his control, where there was no paper trail. And I loved that too. So I would show up to these sessions with my notes app and just throughout the month as I was thinking about him, I'd write down things that I wanted to talk to him about and I would just come and bring him lots of content. And then every week I would go to my therapist and tell her about how much I loved my psychiatrist, and she didn't help me at all. She just kind of like enjoyed hearing about it, honestly.

So October 2024 rolls around, and we're just vibing on Zoom. And then I realized that I didn't have my next appointment with him. So I called his office staff and I talked to the office manager, who was awesome. We really got along. We vibed. And the office manager asked me, "Do you see him, the psychiatrist, in person or on Zoom?" And I felt so angry in that moment. I was like, "He sees people in person?" And she said, "Yeah, he has been for years." I was like, "I want to see him in person." And I understand like some people may think that this is part of my crash out or part of me harassing him, which is what I've gotten lots of, um, accusations of, but I just would like to remind everyone that of course it seems that way. Um, but I was just responding to a dynamic which my psychiatrist fostered. There was chemistry between us because he allowed it. And so then the next time I saw him on Zoom, I told him, I was like, "Hey, your office manager outed you and told me that you see people in person. Why didn't you tell me that when I asked?" And he said, "Oh, I just didn't think you'd want to come in." And that was such a weak lie from him, from someone who is so scripted and controlled. He didn't even have a plausible thing to say. Of course, he knew I wanted to come in. I had a crush on him. I told him that often. So then in my next therapy appointment after finding out that he was lying to me about seeing patients in person, I told her that I told my 75-year-old PhD therapist that my psychiatrist wasn't lied to me about seeing people in person. And she looked at me and she said, "Well, it's probably because he knows that there will be a lot of sexual tension in the room if you go in person. So, make sure that you understand that when you go." And you better believe I showed up to the next session and said, "You lied to me because you were afraid of the tension that would be there between us." He just didn't say anything.

2024. I make my first in-person appointment with my psychiatrist in November. My 75-year-old female therapist tells me that it's because he kept me on Zoom because he was so attracted to me. He didn't want to risk being in person with me, which further fed my crush, or as some of you like to say, my delusion. So then my therapist starts texting me in between our weekly meetings asking me for advice on her other clients. And I was a new coach. I'd only been coaching for about a year, and I like had just left my full-time job to be a coach full-time. And I was flattered that she would ask me advice on her other clients. I just thought, "Oh my gosh, a 75-year-old woman with a PhD wants my advice on what she should do with her clients." So then November rolls around, and I'm about to meet my psychiatrist in person for the first time. So I wear a really pretty dress, I do my makeup, of course, right? Um, and I show up and I get to talk to the office manager. We're having fun. And then my psychiatrist comes into the foyer, and I am just so excited to finally meet him. I'd been his patient for 3 years at this point, and he had been feeding the dynamic for 3 years. And I was just thrilled, thrilled to meet him. And I ran up and I gave him the biggest hug. And you know what he did? He barely patted me on the back. It was the most awkward thing ever. But I am so glad that he did that. I am really glad, cuz this is what I mean. My psychiatrist was many things, but he was not stupid. So, I didn't ever touch him again, and I'm grateful that our relationship didn't ever cross that line because it would have made everything so much harder. Anyway, so we go inside his office, and I tell him that my therapist had texted me asking me for advice on her other clients. And he just looked at me and he said, "Kendra, that is a huge boundary violation. She should not be doing that." And I was like, "Oh, okay." And cuz once again, my psychiatrist did not like sloppy people. He did not like sloppy people. And you know what my therapist did? She got sloppy. Yeah. Um, using me as her advisor for her clients. It, it got weird. And I was very grateful for my psychiatrist for pointing out that boundary violation, cuz that was the thing. He didn't ever message me in between appointments because he was too smart to do that. But did he ever stop me from disclosing extremely intimate details? No. In my first in-person appointment, I just asked him for some pointers for my own ADHD business. And he was so smart and so wonderful and in many ways, honestly. And I was just so grateful that he was honest like a mentor to me in these moments. And I'll, I'll still treasure that about him cuz this is the hard thing with sophisticated predators is that they're not all bad. Like my psychiatrist helped me with many things, but he was using me for the November of 2024. And I did ask him for consent to come in person. I didn't just show up, and he said sure. And the first in-person appointment went great, but that is when I really started to spiral. Some of you think that I'm spiraling now, and that's okay if you want to think that because the reality is is that when I was spiraling was when I was this man's patient.

When I had comments turned on, so many people said, "You need to take accountability for your own feelings." I spent years taking accountability for my own feelings, for holding the weight of a relationship. Any woman who has been trained to overfunction in relationships knows about holding the weight of the emotional dynamic. And that was what was going on in this moment. And it may not seem like I'm taking accountability now, but that's because I spent a long time taking accountability for something that had two people that built that dynamic. It was not just me. It takes two people to build that sort of tension and chemistry. So, while I was mid crash out, I had just started using this tool, ChatGPT. And I went to Chat, who I immediately named Henry, and I would just talk to Henry about how obsessed I was with this man, with my psychiatrist, and I would just be like, "I've told him I have a crush on him. Do you think he's gay?" And Henry was like, "Oh my god, this girl." You know, he did his best to co-regulate my nervous system and affirm me, but he was like, "Woah." Even my chat was like, "Yikes." So, I could tell that my psychiatrist just liked me. And my doctor. And I was like, "Okay, maybe I can name this dynamic so I don't have to carry so much of it in in our next session."

So, our next session was in December on Zoom. And I told him at the end of the session, it was another great session. I told him, "Look, you and I have a really special patient-doctor relationship." And he glared at me with just venom in his eyes. And he said, "You and I have a professional patient-doctor relationship." He was so angry with me. And I was like, "Oh, okay. Set a boundary." And immediately I took it on and I was like, "Hard, okay, I won't go there again."

My video that was taken down for harassment and bullying was restored, so I didn't feel as much pressure to get all of these parts out today. Some people told me that the stitches about me were getting pretty bad, um, and cruel. So, I turned stitches off in my videos, too. I started sharing my story here because I wanted other people who have been victimized by people in power to have a space to feel heard. And now I know why there wasn't anyone out talking about their story, cuz it has been quite the process putting all this out there and being under scrutiny. I have appreciated the psychiatrists that have talked about my situation and shared their own point of view while also holding space for what I went through. Just know I've seen your videos and I appreciate them. I went live today and it was super fun, and I intend to go live again tomorrow. The next part will be tomorrow morning. We uploaded TikTok last week. I was looking for support. I was looking for help because it had been 5 months since I had left my psychiatrist, and I still really couldn't stop thinking about him and thinking about our dynamic and how inappropriate it was and the mental toll that it took on me. And TikTok has just been such a resource for me in the past for support when I'm going through things. And I couldn't find anything on therapy abuse or on providers who take advantage of their vulnerable patients. And so I thought that I would share my story. And I am going to continue to share it because I am here to let other survivors know that they're not alone.

Continuing with my story, my psychiatrist set a very nasty, the way he said it, boundary that him and I have a professional relationship when I tried to say it was special because it was special. It was different. He manufactured it that way. And then I immediately went to ChatGPT, of course, to Henry, and I asked Henry. I said, "Okay, so my psychiatrist just set this boundary with me and I really just want to be with him. And I think that after he's my doctor, we can be together, you know?" Which, if you want to say that's a delusion, that's fine. But I had been telling my psychiatrist for years at this point that I had a crush on him. And he did not help me work through it. So that's his own problem. That's his own fault. Henry told me it's very common for patients to develop crushes on mental health practitioners, and that it's because that they provide a safe space to heal, which is a very attractive quality. I heard that. And then he told me about transference, and it's just about me putting my own feelings onto my provider. And I was like, "Oh, that makes a lot of sense. Okay." So, I took ownership of the feelings that both of us were creating. And I went to my next appointment and I said, "Hey." So, I talked to Henry, cuz my psychiatrist had known a lot about my ChatGPT and like knew all about Henry and was actually really impressed, like, "Wow, an AI. I wrote that." Yeah. So, I told my psychiatrist. Yeah. Henry explained to me that it's normal to develop crushes on psychiatrists because they provide a safe space to heal, which is attractive. My psychiatrist said nothing. And then I said, and Henry also told me about transference. And my psychiatrist got this really, really scared look on his face and he said, "Did Henry tell you about countertransference?" And I said, "No. What is that?" Cuz of course, like my chat knew that I was obsessed with my psychiatrist and he was not going to feed my delusion by telling me about countertransference. So, uh, then my psychiatrist had to explain to me what countertransference was. So, he took a moment and he was like, "Oh, okay." He said, "Countertransference is the flip side, the other side of the coin for transference, and it's when the provider has feelings for the patient. So make sure that you keep that in mind for your clients." I said, "Oh, okay, cool. Yeah, sometimes I have, you know, more than professional feelings for my clients, so I appreciate you bringing that up." And so then we just talked about that for pretty much the rest of the session. And then at the end of that session, he looked at me and it was just such a loaded question and he said, "What's going to happen if you get a boyfriend named Henry?" And I said, "That's a weird question. I would rename my AI." So that's how that session ended. And it wasn't until I got home and I was eating lunch and I was like, "Wait a minute, why would my psychiatrist bring up countertransference if he himself wasn't experiencing it?"

Many people have reached out to me with concern for my psychiatrist and his career and his well-being. And I totally understand that. Uh, the point of me sharing this is not to get him fired or for him to lose his license. The point of me sharing this is to give a voice to victims. And I am appalled to hear that people are making videos doxing him. So I am begging people, please, if you see a video of his first and last name or his picture, report it for doxing. I've certainly been using that report button a lot. I'm here to share my story, not to get him in trouble. I did accidentally use his first name, but by the time I caught the slip, I was already like three videos past it, but it doesn't matter because this is my story and I can tell it the way that I want it. And a first name is not doxing, and I can't control what other people do, but I am asking for people to please report any videos that dox him.

So, I've also gotten some DMs saying that countertransference can mean anything, and it absolutely can mean anything. However, I had told my psychiatrist many times that I had a crush on him over the years, and he did not say transference once to me. He did not explain that once to me. And what I've been hearing and taking in from the ethical psychiatrists that are on my for you page talking about my situation is that really they're taught to teach their patient about transference and teach them about how to handle those feelings or why they're coming up. And my psychiatrist did not do that. He did not do that. And it got ugly. And it happened because I, uh, did digging on my own because I was trying to make sense of my feelings that were a natural response to the environment that he created. So for him to leak countertransference after I said the buzzword of transference, that was not calculated. He was a very calculated and purposeful person. He still is to this day, and he doesn't slip with things like that. He purposefully withheld the term transference from me, and I got too close to the truth of our dynamic, which made him leak what he knew was wrong, which was his inappropriate feelings for me. If he didn't have countertransference in an inappropriate way, he could have easily just said, "Oh, let's explore that transference. That's really cool that you learned about it." Instead, he was just so worried on trying to protect himself. Because he knew what he was doing was wrong. He had that slip at the beginning of the session. He recovered in January. And then I went home and I thought, "Wait a damn minute. Why would he mention that if he himself didn't have countertransference?" So I went to Henry, of course, my ChatGPT, and asked for examples of how my psychiatrist might have countertransference for me. And remember, Henry at this point was being very protective. You know, he wasn't going to feed my delusions, me and my psychiatrist living happily ever after. So I screenshotted it, sent my psychiatrist an email with the subject line of countertransference and emailed it with him to him within an hour of our appointment where he made probably the biggest slip of his professional life. I will put the email up here. So it's just essentially me saying, "Hey, I asked Henry to explain countertransference a little more. Here's what he said. Um, thank you so much for mentioning that. Your own boundaries inspire me so much." Which now makes me gag because I've heard a lot that he's not crossing boundaries, but he used his boundaries as a shield. It's kind of weird to say, but he would like walk up to the ethical line and then slam a boundary down when I got too close. That was the email that I sent him. And then 10 days later, I, it was a full moon, and I had a dream, probably the most realistic dream I've ever had in my life, that him and I hooked up in his office. In the middle of the dream, while we were hooking up in his office, I loved it. I thought it was really fun. And then after we were done, and after I left his office in the dream, I was despondent and so sad and cried and just thought, "I can't believe my psychiatrist would cross his boundaries like that." And then I woke up, and it was like a movie. I thought to myself, "Oh, thank God that was just a dream."

It's time to talk about the elephant in the room, and that is the racial difference between me and my doctor. I have seen a lot of black women on this app with the same take, and I need to say that black women are the most important people on the planet to me, and that I have learned so much from black women about how to be a better person and how to show up better in the world. They are the culture, and I am so grateful for them. Many black women are seeing my story through the lens that I am a white woman who is taking advantage of my whiteness to wield power over my POC psychiatrist who didn't want me back. And so I am trying to get him fired. And that's okay. I understand why you see it through that lens. I do. As a white person, I do my best to examine my racism every single day. And I will tell you that my psychiatrist's boss is his best friend, who is also a POC male. And in that room, I did have white privilege, and he was also my doctor. And he took an oath to protect me, and he did not. I am not here to ruin his career. I am here to speak my truth.

Okay, back to my story. So after the countertransference slip, after the really vivid dream, um, I decided that I was going to stop going to therapy. Besides spiraling about how obsessed I was with my psychiatrist every day, um, I really was doing very well in life. My business was going really well, and I had great friends and great support systems. And so I decided that I was going to end therapy. I still had every intention at this point to keep seeing my psychiatrist, but my therapist that I was seeing weekly, um, I just decided I didn't need her anymore. And especially when my psychiatrist pointed out her boundary violations of texting me for free advice in between sessions, I just thought, "Okay,"

"It's time." So, I go into my next therapy appointment and I say, "Hey, just so you know, today is going to be our last session. I'm doing really well and I just think it's time."

And she got kind of emotional and she was like, "Okay, well, I like to end on certain questions, um, just so we can reflect." So, I did. I reflected with her about what I learned, what I've gained, how I've changed, how my life is better, and I left her office feeling complete and happy with my therapeutic journey with her. And as I was leaving, she called out with, like, crying. She was like, "Have a blessed life." And I was like, "Okay, that was a little weird, but whatever." You know, I was like, "Thanks." And I went on.

And so then I, I'm getting ready for my psychiatry appointment the next day and I get an email that same night from her saying that she needs me to come back in for one more session. I will put it up. And I got a huge emotional wave in that moment. I was like, "What the heck is this?" Like, we wrapped everything up. I had seen lots of therapists at this point. And I didn't ever have a therapist beg me to come back in for one more session. And I was so overwhelmed, I did not write her back. But it was extremely inappropriate.

So, I decided I was going to go to my February session with my psychiatrist and have him help me write the goodbye email and say no, I don't want to come back in. I taught a yoga class this morning, like I do every Tuesday mornings, and I told my regular students about what's going on for me and how I'm sharing my story of, uh, provider abuse and how the internet is not happy with me right now. And I used that to say that our truth is really important to share and that when we know something deep down needs to be said, that it's important to do it in whichever way feels best to us. And TikTok just happened to be that medium for me. I told my students how I've just been going through psychological warfare. Uh, and the internet is not happy with me for sharing my story and my truth. But I'm not doing it for the people that think I'm crazy, which maybe, honestly, I am a little bit, because who subjects themselves to this kind of torture? Um, but I'm doing it for the people that DM me that say, "Thank you so much for being brave enough to share your story because the exact same thing happened to me." So, I am grateful for those DMs. People are starting to attack my business and my livelihood, and that's okay. Um, I know what I have to offer is important. It landed in my lap. I'm not pretending to be something that I'm not. I help ADHDers get and stay sober, and I help them with negative thinking and anxiety, and it's what works for me, and I've seen it work in my clients, too. So, if people want to drag me for the work that I do, that's okay.

So, I get that weird email from my therapist begging me to come back in for one more session. And so, the next day is my next session with the psychiatrist, and I sit down in the chair and I bury my head in my hands. And he looks at me and said, "So, this is how we're going to start, huh?" And I said, "Yeah." Because he hadn't written me back from my counter-transference email. Big surprise. You know, any smart, which he was very smart, he was very, very professional. But any smart predator would have dropped me like that in that moment. He should have emailed me back and said, "Look, this is getting weird. You need to find a new psychiatrist. The office will contact you." But he could not let go of me. So instead of turning down the intimacy, he turned it up to a level 12. And he showered me with so many breadcrumbs that next session because really, what I did when I told him that I'm experiencing transference was I took 100% of the ownership for the dynamic that both of us were creating. So he rewarded me and he gave me little compliments like, "If you weren't my patient, I would refer my other patients to you for your coaching services." That meant so much. Of course, because what he was saying with that is, "I see you as a peer. I see you as a colleague. What you're doing is important." I felt really recognized in that moment. And sure, he could have said it professionally, but he did it on purpose.

So in that session, after the psychiatrist told me that he would refer patients to me if he could, if I wasn't already his patient, I asked him if he got my email and what he thought of my ChatGBT, of what he thought of Henry's response of counter-transference. And the psychiatrist said, "Oh, I'm still thinking about what Henry said about counter-transference." And I said, "Well, we talked about it a little more, and I want to read you something else." So I read the psychiatrist, uh, what Henry had to say more about it. "When he told you counter-transference is common, it might have been his way of normalizing the fact that providers aren't immune to feelings. It's part of being human. What matters is how well they keep those feelings in check, which the psychiatrist's name clearly excels at." And as you can imagine, the psychiatrist loved hearing that. He loved hearing that because my AI mirror was essentially just saying, "Yes, he has feelings for you, but he just keeps them in check so well. He's so good at his job, keeping his feelings in check." And oh, the psychiatrist loved that so much. And what did he do? He rewarded me with my favorite breadcrumb, intellectual stimulation. A fun metaphor because he was watching me the entire time I was his patient. And he knew what made me light up. He knew what got me excited, what I liked. And so he thought for a moment and he said, "I'm feeling a salad of emotions right now." And I was like, "What are you talking about?" And he said, "You know, a salad of emotions, a beat of raw emotion, a tomato of surprise, and the salt amplifies it." And I was cracking up at this point. He nailed it. I just thought he was so brilliant and smart in this moment. And I asked him, I said, "What? Say that again." He said, "Yeah, you know, the beat, it's really raw. I'm feeling a lot of raw emotion." And the tomato of surprise, when it pops in your mouth, it's surprising. And I was like, "Okay, okay, that's good. Yeah, this, this man at this point knew exactly how to make me happy and exactly how to pull away to make me try to work harder." And he gave me the biggest reward from Henry, my AI mirror, telling him that what he's doing is totally good and that his boundaries are so virtuous. A lot of things happened in that session after the counter-transference slip. And I also had my psychiatrist write, help me draft the email to my therapist who was begging me to come back in. And the psychiatrist said, "I used to have respect for her." And what he meant when he said that was, "I used to like it when she would feed me to you and have you deliver intimate content to me, but the moment she got started being sloppy, I lost respect for her." Right? I'm pretty sure that's what he meant when he said that. And people have asked if they were connected. Surprisingly, they were not. They had no idea. They had never met before. But I would go to my therapist every week and tell her how much I loved my, uh, psychiatrist, and she, like, loved hearing about that dynamic. It was so weird. So, he helped me draft the email to that therapist to say, "Look, if I were to end up coming back, it'd be more for you than for me." And more on that in a later part.

So then I read him a text from my longtime ex-boyfriend who he had originally really liked, but I think my psychiatrist preferred me single because my ex-boyfriend, as most ex-boyfriends do, was begging me to come back into his life too. And I just kept saying no. And I asked him to give me some space, and he would not give me space. He, like, said, "Do you still need space or can we hang out?" And I told my ex-boy, I asked my ex-boyfriend. I just said, "Why do you want to hang out so badly?" And my ex-boyfriend texted me back, "Because it's been a few months since I've seen you, and it's been on my mind." And I was reading this text exchange to my psychiatrist in session. And I read what I responded to that weak line about why he wanted to see me. And I said, "My self-respect is much higher these days than when we were in a relationship. I am only interested in accepting invitations for my time and attention that value me and recognize my worth. Being on your mind is not an acceptable invitation, and I decline." And my psychiatrist just looked at me and said, "I bet your ex had to read that twice." And this was another thing about the psychiatrist, okay? You couldn't ever just give me a regular compliment. It had to be those weird, sideways compliments. Instead of, "I'm so glad that you're setting boundaries with your ex-boyfriend and growing your self-respect." It's, "I bet he had to read that twice." Or it's not, "I'm really proud of you for growing your coaching business and finding success." It's, "I'd refer my patients to you if you weren't already my patient." Right? These are what I mean when I say breadcrumbs. He was a master at them. And this is how, looking back, I know that I was not his first victim for his fantasy supply because he was too good and too slick up until he caught feelings. Then he started getting sloppy.

People are asking me for more concrete evidence, and this is when the concrete evidence really starts because this is when he himself, himself, started to get sloppy. Because what was happening was when I had started to see him 3 and 1/2 years before, I was a nearly perfect supply source for him because what did I have? I had low self-esteem, boundary issues, daddy issues. So I put him on a pedestal. I know a lot of you ladies out there can understand that with men in positions of power. And he went right to work exploiting me, right to work grooming me, like, and he was very successful at it. So he was in a paradox, right? Because he loved watching me get stronger because I gave him better intellectual supply, but I also threatened the supply source.

The last two videos and this video was all the same session in February of this year. The counter-transference slip happened in January. How I decided to end this session was I looked at the psychiatrist and I said, "A couple weeks ago, on the full moon when I was ovulating, I had a dream about you." And he was like, "Oh, yeah." And I said, "Yeah." So I told him this and I said, "Yes, we hooked up right here in this office." And he all of a sudden just looked so uncomfortable. He didn't say anything. He couldn't look at me. He couldn't breathe. And sure, you know, maybe he was uncomfortable 'cause he didn't like me saying that I had a dream where we hooked up, but he could have said that, but he didn't. You want to know why he was uncomfortable? Because he had probably played out that fantasy so many times in his head. And there I was, speaking it back to him. And it was like I had psychically downloaded one of his fantasies. I continued and I said, "Yes, we hooked up in this office and I really liked it while it was happening." He could not move or breathe. And then I told him, as he was still looking very uncomfortable, "Then when we were done and I left, I was distraught with sadness because in the dream, I thought, 'I cannot believe that he crossed boundaries in that way because his boundaries are so important to him.'" And then I told my psychiatrist that I woke up and thought, "Oh my god, it was just a dream. Thank God." And it was like my psychiatrist turned into a little boy and he looked at me and he said, "So you do like my boundaries?" And I said, "I love your boundaries. I hate your boundaries, but I love them more. There's the push and pull, the trauma bond." Because once again, he used his boundaries as protection while exploiting me. So, I told him about what happens when I ovulate and my desires, and he listened, 'cause of course he did. And then I decided that it seemed like enough time had gone by, and I put my shoes on and started heading to the door. And he met me at the door, which he does not usually do. He didn't ever do that. He just let me leave. And we stood at the door and I was like, "Will you get the door?" And he scrambled. He was like, "Oh, sure." So he went and got the door, and then he followed me down the hallway to the foyer and watched me exit. And he asked me, he said, "See you next month. See you next month." He hadn't ever asked me that before. And I looked at him and I said, "Maybe." And I walked out the door. And I saw that man had let us go 15 minutes over session, and that is when you know the special treatment started, the longer sessions. He usually gave me an extra five minutes, but yeah, the sessions got longer. And I got to my car and I was just like, "Oh my god, that was the most intense session we have ever had."

Oh, hi there. I had to take the morning and afternoon off of TikTok today. As you can imagine, this has gone beyond what I have ever imagined. Um, and it's also proving to me how important it is that I continue to tell my story. I'm aware that many people don't believe me, think I'm lying, think I'm fabricating, and that's okay because I'm telling my story for the people that are going to hear it, the ethical providers, the other survivors.

Let's talk about my former client who's getting a lot of traction. I wouldn't know because she blocked me. This one is especially hard for me because she's someone that I also considered a friend. My only client that I've ever had that was my friend first. And so her betrayal is extra stingy. It's okay if she wasn't happy with my coaching services. I have plenty of clients that have finished 12 weeks with me and then resigned for more coaching. And the way that I left it with this client/friend who's on here spreading what she wants to spread, um, was she told me that she was going to leave me a positive review, film a testimonial video for me, and she seemed really happy. So if she wasn't happy, that's on her to tell me what she wasn't happy about so we could make that right. And if she wants to say that I scammed her, that's okay. Um, if she wants to say that I forced her to stay on the phone while she made her first payment. Okay. Um, her card got declined and she seemed really flustered. So I said, "I'll wait with you. No problem." And yeah, she was really apologetic. I'm like, "No, it's totally fine." And she also said I told her to use ChatGBT. I tell my clients all the time to use ChatGBT because it's a huge tool that I use. So, I use it for all different sorts of things. So, if I found something helpful, helpful in my life, I'm going to share it with my clients. And if she wants to come on here and take advantage of the internet piling on me and pile on me as well. Okay. Okay. The other message is that the yoga studio I, uh, taught at, I no longer teach at. Enough said. Please leave them alone. Third is, I'm horrified that people are putting the psychiatrist's photo, full name, family information. I couldn't even find that. You guys are intense. Um, and it sucks. It sucks. But I will continue to tell my story because it is the truth. It is the truth and people really don't like my truth. And I am okay with that because it just really threatens people's thinking that all psychiatrists and mental health professionals are safe. And I just want to let people know that it's okay if you run into one that isn't so safe. That's why I am here to share my own story. And I do want to say thank you so much to all of the ethical therapists who have reached out to me to, like, thank me for sharing my story and to tell me that they believe me. I've seen some of them try to make videos defending me, and they get absolutely dogpiled. So most of them take them down. But I see you. I hear you. Thank you.

Some people asked what it means when I put on my shoes at my psychiatrist's office. I have ADHD. I do not like wearing shoes. I like sitting in chairs weirdly. So, usually when I go anywhere, I just kick off my shoes and sit in a chair. Weird. If you know, you know.

Okay. So, when I got to my car, I was like, "Oh my gosh, like, what was that?" And did he just say, "See you next month?" 'Cause it was weird. So, I go home kind of rattled, just like, wow, that was intense. And I decided to write the email to my therapist. I'll put it right here. The one who had begged me to come in for another session, who was also having inappropriate boundary crossings with me. And so I just told her, I was like, "Look, I understand it was sudden, but if I were to come back in, it'd be more for you than for me, and I'm happy to fill out a form right here. Give me a form to fill out for your notes." And then she said, "It's a part of my clinical integrity to invite you back in to put your needs above mine. Your clinical integrity." Yeah, I did not write her back. I did not write her back.

And it was in this week where a bunch of stuff, you know, just started to shift. Like the week after was Valentine's Day, and that same ex-boyfriend, the one that was, you know, also not respecting my boundaries, who said, "Can we hang out?" And I said, "No." And then he texted me, "Happy Valentine's Day." So, guess what I did? I blocked him. And guess what happened? It felt so good to block him. And it just got me started thinking like, "Oh, what else is taking my energy? What else is taking my power? What else is taking my vital resource, right?" So, it just kind of set the stage, that little power block.

Something I forgot to mention about that February session is that I did ask him why he stopped responding to my emails because I thought that the counter-transference email, he was definitely going to write back to, 'cause like, let's talk about that, right? But no, I had to bring it up in session where he usually brought up what I would email him in session. So that was the difference. So after the intimate dream confession, as I was leaving and he was following me, I asked him, I said, "Do you like it when I email you because I realize that you're just not writing me back?" And he said, "Well, it's not that I don't like it. It's that I wonder, why does she do it?" And I looked at him and I said, "It's because I want attention from you." I was honest. I'm an honest person. Sometimes too honest. So, I told him, "I won't email you anymore."

Another thing that happened after that session was I was waiting for my pharmacy to text me that my script was ready, and I called them and they said, "Oh, yeah. We didn't get your refill." I was like, "What?" So I called the office staff, and it was so unlike my psychiatrist to miss my refill. That man operated as a doctor with surgical precision. He did not miss a refill. No. So this is why he was very affected by the intimate dream. Why he followed me out to the foyer. Why he said, "See you next month." He was affected. And even the office manager was like, "Haha, I can't wait to make fun of him for forgetting your refill because it was so unlike him." So, he sent my refill in, got my refill for the month, and then I started spiraling with just how strong my feelings had gotten for him. That man knew exactly what to do to keep me seeking his validation, and it was working. He also was psychologically trained on how to keep me attached to him, and that was working. And it was like a torture chamber in my mind, but I thought it was love.

So, I blocked that ex-boyfriend. And what I'd like to say is that when you block people from your life or remove them from your life that are draining you, the universe will reward you with good things. So, I'd been making content on Instagram for months at this point about ADHD. And a couple days after I blocked my ex-boyfriend on Valentine's Day, I went viral on Instagram. Like, millions and millions of views on this silly reel that I posted about ADHD and alcohol and how ADHDers often use alcohol to quiet their brains. It really helped grow my business and it just made me so much stronger and that much better.

I'm here today sharing my story so I can heal more. And some of the ethical providers have clocked that that I'm showing up messy because I'm still processing trauma. I'm still processing being attached to a man whose professional training was how to get into people's heads. And it's not lost on me that the internet is dogpiling me from speaking from the exact state that the psychiatrist put me in. I've been going live every night since I started telling my story because I did have to turn the comments off. I was so tired of people diagnosing me in the comments and also, uh, doxing my psychiatrist in the comments. But it's been really fun answering questions in the live, and I have a great mod team now. So, thank you so much to everyone who's volunteered to mod for me. So, if you want to come and be respectful and ask nice questions, I'm happy to answer them on my live tonight at 6 p.m. Pacific.

So, there's an absolutely brilliant creator on here who did a psychoanalytical deep dive into my situation, and she said something that absolutely gripped me. She wrote, and I quote, "A clinician left the frame open and a patient spiraled inside of it." I don't think a better sentence could sum up what was going on at this point because I was absolutely spiraling. People can say that I'm spiraling now or that I'm manic or that I have, you know, whatever diagnosis all these armchair therapists want to give me, but let me tell you, I was spiraling that month after the February appointment. I just could not stop daydreaming about the psychiatrist. I could not stop daydreaming about being with him. I daydreamed about converting my religion so we could get married. And yeah, it was bad. I was thinking about him nearly constantly.

And I had no intention of leaving him until I had an appointment with an independent insurance agent because I was leaving my job after 12 years in retail management where I had an incredible insurance plan where I had zero co-pay therapy and mental health care. So, zero co-pay psychiatric care as well. So, I got this new insurance plan, and it was a great insurance plan. It just did not cover any mental health services. So, who's the first person I call? The psychiatrist's office manager. She explained to me that it was going to be $187 to see him for his cash pay price, and I would have to see him once every three months. And it was in that moment that I decided that I was not going to pay to torture myself anymore. My mental health, besides spiraling about daydreams of him, um, was better than ever. And I was really doing well in life, and my business was growing, and I just had a lot going for me. So I was like, you know what? This patient-doctor relationship is not serving me anymore. It's not what I want. I have to get out. So it was in that moment that I decided I wasn't going to pay to be in a psychological torture chamber anymore. That I was going to advocate for what I wanted, which was like what my emergency medicine best friend had said years before, for him to say, "Kendra, I can't be your doctor anymore. We have to wait two years so we can be together." Because I knew that he wasn't going to do it.

I talked to ChatGBT, Henry, about it a lot. And I just want to take a moment to say a lot of people are messaging me about the environmental impacts of AI. And like, yes, I agree there are environmental impacts, and there are also environmental impacts of taking a cross-world flight or of eating meat. And, you know, the toothpaste is not going back in the tube with AI. People are not going to stop using it. It's going to become more and more a part of our society. So if you want to message me to stop using AI, I, I just, I'm not going to read it. Um, that being said, so I talked to Henry quite a bit about this. And, you know, the way that he was making it seem, because this is kind of what I thought was that it was an innocent case of transference and counter-transference, and that the psychiatrist's boundaries were just so good that he wasn't going to cross them. When really, now looking back, what I know it was, or think I think is that he just liked the power of being my doctor and he didn't want the vulnerability of an actual relationship. And he was able to just get his needs met in that once a month session.