Transcription
I'm Dr. Orion Taraban, and this is Psych Hacks, better living through psychology. And the topic of today's short talk is love cheats. That's right, love cheats. Allow me to walk you through this counterintuitive outcome.
So, this episode was inspired by a video that my friend and fellow YouTube creator Joseph Everett put out on his channel recently, in which he expressed his amazed realization that so many popular love stories, especially those from the '80s and '90s, involved a woman cheating on her boyfriend or husband. Of course, he was concerned about the message this was sending to women. So, I responded to him privately to explain this phenomenon, and I figured my explanation might be of interest to the rest of you as well.
To understand why love so often cheats, we have to understand that romance is a story. It's a story. It's a narrative that originated in a specific place at a specific time, and all romances more or less repeat the same core elements of this story over and over and over again. It may surprise you to know that this very phenomenon of a woman cheating on her husband was present in the very first romance that became popular in the 13th century in the south of France. This archetypal, prototypical romance is the story of Tristan and Isolde. And in order to explain my point, I will briefly summarize the plot of this story.
Tristan is a knight, the loyal retainer of his uncle King Mark, who dispatches Tristan to escort his betrothed Isolde the Fair to her nuptials with King Mark. Unbeknownst to both of them, on their return voyage, the two accidentally drink a magic potion intended for King Mark to use on his wedding night. The potion causes Tristan and Isolde to fall in love with the first person they lay eyes upon, which happens to be each other. So, the two fall desperately, hopelessly in love with each other on the journey back to King Mark. So, now we have the story's dramatic conflict.
Back in the day, most dramas did not involve the conflict between good and evil. Rather, they involved the conflict between two competing goods. This experience is one of the unavoidable tragedies of human existence, namely, even if you strive for virtue and nobility, you will eventually be forced by circumstance to prioritize some goods over others, and this necessity will create pain and suffering. It's inescapable for even the most exalted and virtuous among us, which is why the human condition is essentially tragic.
Okay, so back to the story. The competing goods in the story of Tristan and Isolde are love and duty. Love and duty. Like, both things are good. It's kind of hard to be either anti-love or anti-duty. And it's very easy in isolation to maintain that the world needs more of one or the other. However, in this situation, the protagonists can't express both goods simultaneously. They'll have to choose between one or the other. And of course, what increases the dramatic tension here is that both are not possessed of an average love, but a magical, supernatural love. And neither are they beholden to an average duty, but the highest possible gendered expression of duty. For Iseult, that's the duty to her husband, King Mark. And for Tristan, that's the duty to his lord, his liege. So, both are implicated at the highest level to perform their duties. Wow, the stakes don't get any higher than this.
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Now, what would happen if these two lovers let reason prevail? What would we conclude if the two were to say to each other, "Yes, we have this powerful, unquenchable desire for each other. That's true. But it's more important for us to honor our duties and our commitments. So, we're just going to have to, you know, eternally yearn for each other at a distance." Like, we can imagine this as a possible outcome, but what would that communicate? It would communicate that they didn't really love each other. Like, not all the way. Like, they only loved to a point. And what kind of love is that?
Now, if the king had commanded Tristan to defend the castle against an irrepressible force, and the knight had responded, "Yes, sire, I have a duty to obey your orders. That's true. But it's more important for me to stay alive. Like, I mean, I can't be your loyal retainer if I'm dead, right? Like that's understandable, maybe even rational. But it's certainly not loyal. It's not. Such a response would communicate that the knight wasn't really duty-bound. Like, not all the way. Like he was only dutiful to a point. And what kind of duty is that? If Tristan and Isolde only loved each other until their love conflicted with their duty, and they preferred their duty to their love, then they would know that they only loved each other to a point, which would make a mockery of their love.
Now, I'm not saying that people should give full expression to their love. I'm explaining that prioritizing duty over love communicates that the love is less important. I mean, I don't know how we get around that. And maybe that's okay. Like, I personally don't give full expression to my love. I absolutely love to a point. Which means that I prioritize, among other things, order and peace and duty and justice over love. And that's why I have satisfying, conflict-free relationships. But it's also why no one's going to write a love story about my life. And that is perfectly okay. My point here is that you can't have it both ways. And that's why the romance of Tristan and Isolde, like all romances, is a tragedy. It's a tragedy. Despite their best efforts and the inevitable consequences, they cannot stay away from each other. They love each other more than duty. They love each other more than honor. They love each other more than life itself, as they are fully aware that their actions are punishable by death. Their love is completely and utterly opposed to the social contract because that's what love is. Like, love doesn't love just where it's allowed. It has an utter disregard for rules. However, we need rules in social relationships to maintain order and safety and stability, which is why, as I argue in my book, love and relationships are actually antithetical to each other. You guys got to read chapter nine. It's awesome.
Now, there are many people alive who would swoon at this story. Isn't that romantic? They loved each other so much. They they didn't care about the consequences. I wish someone would love me that much. Note that the sentiment that always follows is, "I wish someone would love me that much." Not, "I wish I loved someone else that much." Right? However, to a person in the Middle Ages, this story is terrifying. Everyone. Everyone in the story suffered as a result of this tragic mix-up. The protagonists, their spouses, society at large. I mean, Tristan literally means sadness. Like, triste in Spanish means sad, right? And of course, the two lovers end up dead at the end of the story. Their deaths instigated, depending on the version, by the jealousy of their spouses.
Listen to me. If you believe love conquers all, then you will need things for love to conquer. And the more things love conquers, the more evidence you will have of its power. Do you love more than duty? Do you love more than honor? Do you love more than reason? If not, you can't really call yourself a lover, can you? And that might not be a bad thing. In any case, that is why there is so much infidelity in love stories. The previous commitment and the duty and honor associated with preserving it, these things are a narrative device that provides a standard of comparison. They're a yardstick, like a ruler, that allows the audience to measure the extent of the love on display. The more madness and dishonor and suffering the lovers are willing to instigate and perpetuate, the more their love is validated as true and real in the story. And of course, impressionable young people see this and imitate this behavior in an effort to communicate the authenticity and purity of their zeal. This is why, for example, in Titanic, Rose explains to her disbelieving fiancé that she'd rather be Jack's than his wife. Her voluntary dispacement, debasement, her voluntary debasement, her prioritization of love, a socially unacceptable love, over duty is what paradoxically communicates the purity and intensity of her love to Jack. Crazy, but that's where it is. So, unless you marry the love of your life and keep that love burning strong perpetually, this is something that you need to be aware of. Irrespective of all the oaths and vows and contracts and promises involved, love is a radical, destructive force, which is why it's so often presented as the panacea for the wicked world. Thanks for coming to my TED Talk.
Okay, so what do you think? Does this fit with your own experience? Let me know in the comments below. And please, send this episode to someone who you think might benefit from its message. I know you know someone who needs to hear this. It's actually a pretty cool take. Uh, because it's word-of-mouth referrals like this that really help to make the channel grow. Other value propositions. Anyone looking to join my free weekly newsletter, which I write original content and do other cool stuff, or book a paid one-on-one consultation with yours truly, can find out more on my website. There's also my books. My bestseller, The Value of Others, in which I explore over a long period of time, uh, my economic model of relationships and intersexual dynamics, and my novel, Starry Nights, in which I explore the final days in the life of painter Vincent van Gogh through a psychological lens. Finally, last but not least, there is my private member community, The Captain's Quarters. You've watched hundreds of these episodes. You understand the theory. How do you apply it to your own life? That's where the CQ comes in. I host live group consultation calls in which people bring me their problems and I offer them my solutions in real time. There's also a whole bunch of other cool stuff that we do there. Check it out if you are so inclined. The links to everything are in the description below. As always, I appreciate your support and thank you for listening.