Transcription
Alrighty, guys. Welcome back to the show for men. I'm your host, Jman. Today, we're going to take another look at a video from Rachel Sloan, who's a divorce coach and life coach for men. And in this episode, she's doing a conversation with a woman explaining what women go through in their divorce. So, I think this is really insightful just to show how differently men and women think about divorce. If anything, it'll probably annoy you. Let's jump in.
>> True that some women are just totally fine after their divorce. She's dying inside and she's trying to piece it all together so that it makes sense because deep down inside she also feels awful. She feels completely ashamed by filing for divorce.
>> Most of my a >> deep down inside, deep down inside she does. Oh, okay. I've never seen a woman who seems upset about filing for divorce. Only if it is a direct impact on their lifestyle and they don't get what they want out of it. They're not dying inside. It's very interesting because I create these videos to try and shed some light on all these issues that men face. Sometimes I do comedy videos, sometimes I do more serious ones and analysis like I'm going to do on this video. It just it just goes to show you that no matter what you do, guys, you are at the mercy of a woman's emotions and they themselves don't even know why they do stuff. It's just how they're feeling in the moment.
>> Audience, most of you that are going to watch this video are men and men who are divorced. And you have, I think, a really unique opportunity today in this video because you have two women here to talk to you about divorce, why women get divorced, what women are thinking during divorce. And I have an amazing guest with me today to help us understand divorce from the other side, from the perspective of the women who go through it. Because for so many of my clients, and I know for so many of of you who are watching this, that's part of the incredibly painful, challenging part, right? How can she do the things that she does? Why does she do the things that she does? It's confusing. It can be hurtful. So, this is the opportunity we have today is to get some insight into that. So, Christina, thank you so much for joining me for this conversation. Um,
>> all right. This is going to be interesting. Women will never be able to empathize uh with the damage that they do to men, especially the immediate short to medium-term damage they do on men's perception of life. uh women, relationships. Uh it's a feeling of being lied to. It's a feeling of being uh awoken to the truth uh of the world. I find it amazing. They'll just never be able to understand truly um the heartbreak. Some guys get really heartbroken cuz a woman's left them and they love that woman. Um, but more it comes from a feeling that hurt is more from a feeling of betrayal and being abandoned and being discarded no matter what you've done in the past. And they have no real tangible sensical uh or sensible excuse for doing what they do. It's just about how they're vibing it, how they're feeling.
>> This is Christina Quas. has the Her Heart Heals podcast and she helps women uh move on from divorce. Christina, will you just tell us a little bit about what it is that you do?
>> Thank you so much for having me as well. It's I know we have connected in the past and I feel like every time we talk it feels like I'm talking to an old friend. So, you know, thank you so much. I think our connection is so special and I'm excited to share. Um, yeah. So, about 6 years ago, I went through something that completely destroyed my life. I went through a divorce. And in trying to find ways to heal, I discovered that there weren't a whole lot of resources at that time that were there for me to have the tools that I needed to heal emotionally. And so, I began documenting my own healing journey. I do have a background um in personal development. I've done a lot of personal development work and worked with a lot of coaches and mentors and things like that. Um and so I kind of kept going with what I was learning for myself and I began documenting that with with what is now her heart heals and I began
>> Cool. So, another thing or tool for women um to try and help them make sense of the destructive decisions that they make blowing up their own lives. Let's talk about where a lot of these women end up. Let's talk about how women heal. I'll tell you from my experience as someone who d a lot of women um post my own separation/deorce. You you end up back on the dating market. you end up back on the dating apps and you start meeting all these women who are also recently separated or divorced. Like the dust hasn't even settled. It could be weeks, it could be a week, it could be a few days, it could be a couple of months. But what what do they all do? They all jump into bed with all these different men um thinking that that's what uh is going to help them heal. And then they become angry and disgruntled because these men no longer see them as long-term viable options because you're going to hear it straight out of their own mouths. The horrible decisions and things that they make. The amount of times I've asked women, "Why did you leave your husband?" Um, and all those sort of questions, cuz I like to try and really understand and to expand my own knowledge on it. It's all rubbish for the most part. No real good excuse. Yeah, you might have a couple that said, "Yep, he was playing around and all that." And that's a fair reason. All right, you get busted doing that. Well, you sort of brought it on yourself. Just like that CEO guy that's all over the news. Everyone's loving that, but that's another topic. It It's generally for no real reason. They got bored. Um, it was more of a roommate type situation. They're not into him physically anymore. They turned off on him. All the standard stuff. And then what do they go and do? They go and jump on the dating apps giving away all that um action with guys who couldn't give two stuffs about him who are literally looking at them like they have no value at all. And it might sound harsh, but it's true. Any guy who's out there uh on the dating apps, it's it's lowhanging fruit meeting women who are recently separated, divorced, they're up for anything. Up for anything, especially in the early days of it. Uh eventually they get to a point where they start putting a whole bunch of rules down, start being demanding and all that sort of stuff because they're trying to get their life back on track, back on track to what it was like when they actually had a husband who cared about him. Most of the men they meet, myself included at the time, I didn't give two stuffs about him. Couldn't give two stuffs. Was just there for one thing. uh and they'd find that out the hard way that a lot of the time these decisions to blow up their families and leave husbands and all that sort of stuff. Uh it was a horrible decision, but they'll never admit it.
>> Our podcast, which is called Her Heart Heels Divorce Radio, in which I also interview
>> I'll move it along to the next segment. I don't care about that. All right. Now, this segment's called How Did She Suddenly Go Cold? A lot of the men have experienced this. A lot of you guys watching, myself included, you don't know which way is up or down. You can't understand why uh that woman who might have been uh a really good person in your life is just turned into somebody you don't even know why because she's already planning for the exit.
>> If she's the one who chooses the divorce, they often have this experience that like it happened so suddenly like one minute she was my person and the next she was so cold to me that she couldn't go from like I love you to just this this full stop. Um, and what I see a lot of men struggling with then is one, how is that possible, right? And also it feels like such a betrayal and a lot of them start to doubt that the love that they experienced ever even was real like they feel like maybe that was all a lie. And so this is something my husband and I were actually talking about is what is happening because part of me was like, well, no, that's not totally true and there's other things going on. But if I really stop and look at it, that is a pattern that that I do see. And it does seem like something that a lot of women experience and a lot of men experience from the other side. And I wonder if you could speak to that a little, Christine. Is that something you have experience with? And and what do you think is is happening there?
>> Yeah.
>> A couple of just women with no idea here. No idea. And I have podcasts and um lots of views and businesses coaching people through this stuff. I'll tell you why they go cold because they don't like you anymore. That that's the way women are. They can love you one day and hate you the next. Any guy who's been through it would tell you that it's a very disruptive um and unsettling process to see your life getting blown up very very slowly day by day. And no matter what you do, she'll say, "Oh, you don't do this and you don't do that." Okay? So you start doing these things whether it's stuff around the house or doing more holidays and all this sort of stuff. A lot of the time it's material stuff too. You see no improvement. You cannot fill that black hole that is a woman's want for more stuff. They think it's about getting things because they always are looking for the next big achievement with men. So this is what happens. I'll tell I'll tell you what's happened for my experience. It's all exciting. It's all fun. It's all romance when you're in that stage of getting uh engaged. Uh there's wedding planning. They love that stuff. And then they're they're looking forward to the honeymoon. Um and then they're looking forward to nesting. All right. So, it's exciting. You're going house hunting and you're going to looking at homes and oh, I can imagine um us having a family in this house and you could have that room to do this and I'll do this over here and it's all fun and exciting. Then they get the house that they want. Then it's like, what's next? Everything's ticked off. Now it's uh live live and be content with your life. And women a lot of the time cannot be content with their lives. That's all it is. So it's all the fun, all the excitement is over. Uh and now they're looking for the next thing. And and because they've milked it out of that potential guy or not potential, that guy that they've um promised the world to. They're looking around for other ways to fill the hole. And then they start looking outside of the marriage or they start looking on Instagram and they start seeing all these people having all these lives that are fake. all the highlight reels and they start comparing their lives to that and they become unhappy. This is a if you watch these these videos, it's the biggest endorsement not not to get married. Guys who are in that loveydvey, you know, honeymoon phase will never understand what they're in for. A lot of the time doesn't last forever.
>> Are you talking about prior to the divorce? that where you're sort of where it all
>> like that there's this moment um that leads to the divorce. For instance, I I recently spoke to a man who you know he said just a few weeks ago it felt like she was my best friend and I was the most special person and we had you know 12 years together and now she is so just done with me cold even uh mean to me like telling me that it's my fault and she's you know it's my problems. I've heard men describe it as it feels like some switch flips and one minute she loves me and the next minute she hates me and they can't understand how that happened or what happened. Um, and so I would say usually in the men's mind it's maybe the moment that creates the divorce, but I don't that's obviously not what's happening internally for the women.
>> Yeah. Yeah. No, thank you for clarifying. So, it definitely is something that may seem sudden on the outside, but what I have found is that it's often a lot of small miscommunications. The things that I find with my clients when they go into a marriage, they go in feeling like a wife should be a certain way. the way that society thinks a wife should be. Um, a lot of times it's it is imposing that sort of submissive behavior. And a lot of times what I have found is that women don't often really speak up about the issues that they're feeling in depth because they feel like they wanted to be a loyal wife. And so what I have found and even in my own experience as well is that little by little a part of us dies in trying to communicate it not necessarily understanding how maybe as well they're meeting with their partner that doesn't know what to do with the communication that they're being given. They don't have the tools to sort of talk it through and say this is a much bigger topic. we need to really dive in. Maybe let's get some help. I think there's a lot of signals and signs that we're not equipped or prepared to handle. And typically by the time that therapy comes into play, it's too late because this person has little by little slowly died inside by diet.
>> H >> how like this doesn't even make any sense. So what you got married and you've become a wife? This is a perfect endorsement for women just wanting the wedding. They want all the material stuff that comes with it, the excitement, uh the attention, you know, being a princess for a day. Then they get into it and they go, "Hang on, this isn't what I thought it would be. I didn't think I would have to contribute or it would be a a life where we just, you know, it's the humrum of life. You go to work every day, you come home and you go and do it again the next day and you save money and you put it against your mortgage and all that. just can never be happy. So, it's women living in fantasy land once again. What she just said made no sense. Day by day, she loses her soul and that's the end. And she did say one thing that was true. By the time you get to the therapy couch, by the time you go to the marriage counselor or divorce counselor or whatever it is, game over. There's no coming back. There's no coming back anyway. Once they start they start talking to friends and all that sort of thing, game over. guys don't realize that it's a I didn't I didn't realize this either. Like it took me a lot of research and retrospective analysis on my own um failed marriage to say that this stuff starts a long time before they drop the hammer on you. So they're sleeping next to you in a bed. Um, they're maintaining face, but they've already checked out. They're looking for the next option. They're waiting for the ideal time. They're lining up their ducks, so to speak. there are trying to understand what the divorce process is like, what they could likely get out of it. They're out shopping around talking to lawyers. I know it sounds pessimistic. It's very true. I'll tell you my experience. Um, I got the hammer dropped on me just out of nowhere. I felt uh and straight away she already knew what she thought she was going to get and she was being all threatening and stuff about it. Um, she'd gone and taken certain documents and deeds to the house that I bought and all of that and had lawyers look over it before she even dropped it on me. They know what they're doing. They are very cunning, uh, manipulative and ruthless on the way out. It's all about what they can get out of you. Isn't this emotional thing and it just happened and it's a decision in the heat of the moment? No. No. No. Very calculating. Very, very calculating. Men are the romantics here. Men are the ones that'll put up with all the negatives that come with relationships to enjoy some of the positives. Women want all the positives without any of the negatives. Once again, women telling me they're roommates um with their husbands or he might have lost some money on an investment or he lost his job or whatever it may have be to lose respect for you. You're done. I mean the the flame inside and often times with what I think you're referring to as like the event where one day one small thing happens and then it's like all of a sudden they they are acting different or they're completely over it. And it's typically because it's been a long time and that one instance, as micro as it may seem, is often the straw that breaks the camel's back, if you will. and women can just quickly shut down. There's nothing left to give on that side. And so that's that's typically what I've seen is that it's it's a lot of smaller incidents that people don't necessarily know how to talk through. That's really true.
>> So women can't basically what are we hearing here? Women can't work through any sort of adversity like a grown-up adult and have any resilience. It's just like nah, this one thing happened. It's been on my mind forever how long. I haven't communicated in any way uh about it apart from maybe complaining and unrelated nagging. I'm out. No accountability for anything. No accountability. And guys are still doing it. And they do it two and three and four times thinking it's going to be different. This is female nature. Never happy. You can't live up to the standards of these women once they start getting fantasy bull crap in their head or you can't combat the external influences of friends.
>> Tragic, right? That that's happening. And it also brings to mind that there must be so much effort exerted to continue to play the role of the good wife while that's happening internally. Yeah, that's exactly right. And I think by effort, I think a lot of people think that staying quiet is the effort. Maybe if I just stay quiet and I don't bring it up and I don't disrupt his day, it'll get better. You know, maybe if I don't bring this up right now and I just let us enjoy this time together, it'll get better later. There will be another better time to bring it up. And I think that that also, to be fair, it does require effort to not speak up. But at the same time, I think people might have the wrong idea as to what the the correct effort is in that moment.
>> What is it when you say like
>> correct effort? Correct effort. There's no effort put in. No. It's like this because what's the effort that they think about it and ruminate on it? There's no effort put in. Out the door. The guy will probably be trying to plead um trying to hang on. He's realizing she's slipping away. Things aren't good. Things are rocky at home. She's treating him like a secondass citizen. There's no effort. She said that the effort there was playing the part. Playing the part. Getting all the ducks lined up until she drops it the hammer on you and rugpools your whole life. Every single guy that I've known, myself included, that has had some really hard times in life, like life-changing stuff, life-changing pressures and shocks, all at the hands of women. All at the hands um of female nature,
>> it might get better, right? If I maybe if I just stay quiet, maybe if I, you know, don't rock the boat. Maybe if I just keep being the good wife. What is it you think that she's hoping will change? What is it that she's wanting that she's not getting?
>> Yeah, it goes back to really the miscommunication. I think she's really wanting her partner to meet her where she's at, but unfortunately what I've seen is that it's two different languages. And even though there may be an attempt to say, you know, I don't feel appreciated, that's a very broad statement to make and expecting the other person to understand and to know exactly what that person is feeling. And so I think that's where the disconnect is.
>> Okay. It almost sounds right like there's a different language, right? The language that the woman is speaking and the language that the man is speaking and they're not hearing and seeing each other. But even with those two languages, neither of them quite have the words to
>> put to what they're actually experiencing, right? I want to feel appreciated, but what does that mean? Right? And I want you to see and understand me, but I don't even really know exactly what that could look like.
>> Yeah.
>> How are these people coaches? It's just gobbleygook psycho babble. She already said it. Women want to feel an ongoing sense of being needed and wanted physically like they're the they're the only thing in a man's life. What what generally happens when you get married? Okay, you get through all that stuff. You get the house and all that. Then the guy's mind goes into building mode. What's building mode? It's saving money. It's working hard. It's getting promotions. If you got kids, it's raising the kids. they become the um the focus. It's not about pandering to women and dating them and and and giving them special attention uh like you first met them. That's what the expectation is. That's why they rush out so quickly onto the dating market to get those thrills from men. Women like action just as much as men do. I don't care what anybody says, if not more. Uh women probably cheat more than men and don't get away with it because men aren't looking for it. Have you ever had um I'll tell you instances where you sort of can understand how the female brain works. Uh say for instance um you're working late at work uh and you haven't been answering your phone and you'll get some sort of stupid comment around, oh you out with another woman or something like that. That's what they think instantly because that's how their brain works. You're out working uh stressing at work late to 10 or 11 o'clock at night in the office or whatever you might be doing. They're thinking you're with another chick because they can't contact you. Or you go out with your friends and you don't answer your phone. You go and play golf for the day. They think you're out with other women. That's exactly that's that's the default setting because that's the way that they're triggered to go if they're not getting any excitement is to go with other people. I mean, and I think that unfortunately their therapy and people that have the ability to help deconstruct those broad statements are brought in much later in the game that ultimately result in in the downfall. And I really advocate for people to seek help as early as possible because you know those little bits can be it can be so damaging and often times by the time they say let's go to therapy it's it's often too late
>> at that point where it's too late. Christina what's happening internally and I
>> how's that look there? That just sums it up boys. We've all seen that one. like a child. Like a child rolling their eyes at you when you're trying to work out what the problem is and you're trying to get things back on track. As I say on a lot of my videos, uh this isn't to be nasty. This is an observation. Women never grow up. All right? All they are are adults uh with the mind of children with a set of boobs, but they're kids in the head. It's like a teenager and you you can never do enough for you never do enough for them.
>> I know I'm being so general. I'm like, what's happening for women? How would you describe like the change that she's experienced internally?
>> Yeah, I think that the change is often reflective of a decision of where she has chosen to focus her attention on.
>> Okay.
>> As someone who has played a role of a wife before and been in a marriage as well as speaking to some of my clients, they often have have felt that they're making this sacrifice to be a good wife, be a good
>> a good wife. Like it's not even hard. Just be a decent person. Support your husband because he whether you believe it or not, he's supporting you. Playing the role of a wife. Did you hear that? Playing the role, not being one. Playing the role of a good wife. Just a game to him. Oh, they're so affected. Um, oh, they're just so restricted in being a wife. Isn't that what you wanted? partner and have made all of all of this attempt but all of this focus is external or on their partner. Okay.
>> And they have sort of made that decision. I am now going to focus on me and my happiness because that really is I am not myself anymore. I am not happy anymore. And if I don't do something to help myself, I don't know how I'm going to survive out of this.
>> Okay.
>> Life or death situation. I'm going to I'm going to move it along to another segment here. They got stuff about kids and all that and what about kids and blah blah blah. Women couldn't give a stuff about uh kids in my honest opinion. They couldn't care about the impacts of divorce on kids and having broken families and all that. I'm not even going to bother listening to it. Couldn't give a stuff. They blow up their family's life so they think they can have a shot at being happy again. And what's their shot at being happy? Chasing dudes on dating apps. Absolute joke. Yeah, I'm going to blow up my family so I can bang guys off dating apps so I can um tell funny stories to my girlfriends over coffee and laugh and cackle about it. Don't worry about little Jimmy and little um Sarah um who are no longer living with their dad full-time and then oh you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to actually restrict access and be painful to my ex-husband uh because I want to punish him for how I've ended up in my life based on my own stupid decisions. All right, let's move along. So this next section is called how women prepare for the next relationship. Let's have a laugh.
>> Find in your work with your clients, Christina, that you help them start to work towards being different in another relationship or having a a different experience. And what does that look like from your from your side? Yeah, a lot of my clients also share the same belief when they see the statistics because I think we are 70% more likely to get divorced once we've been divorced a first time. But what that just tells me is that people are not committed to doing the work. So I definitely
>> they're not committed to doing the work in the first place. Exactly right. Exactly right. Once again, guys, that's why I say divorced women are a huge red flag. You need to understand the reasons for it. And most of the time, they are nonsensical. So, if you get any of these wishy-washy um reasons that I told you about earlier, recreational use only. Enjoy their company. Don't commit. They'll do it to you again. They don't learn anything. There is no introspective work that is done. They just want to get a better deal. People don't want to put in the effort. And you're more likely to get divorced again. Exactly. They know the process. They know how to pull the trigger, they've done it. They'll do it to you quicker. Have you not ever dated these women who have been married before, in long-term relationships, and the one the one time that you might say something that they don't agree with or whatever? Oh, no. I I don't put up with that. I don't deal with that. Boom. You're cut off at the knees. Oh, blocked, ghosted, all that sort of stuff. What are you talking about? There is no work done. It's just that there are other guys out there who will put up with their crap and they'll go through it again and they'll be victim number two.
>> Want to shout out your clients who are watching this because it really does show that you're committed to your growth and you're committed to your healing. And even that is just such a big step. There's so many people that carry on with the narrative that they end the marriage in and they sort of come to their own conclusions. They're working their way through the world thinking that they're the victim or blaming the other person and then coming into another relationship thinking that that possibly might be the solution that's going to soothe them and then realizing again here we have failed marriage number two, right? Um Oh guys, you know that that's the thing that guys really struggle with too is they made a lifetime commitment to women and I can just chuck that away and try and do it again with another guy and uh you know make those vows a second time. There's no weight in women's words. There's no weight in women's words. This is just telling you straight out of the out of their mouth. Oh, guys might feel like they're the victim. Of course they're the victim. They've had their life blown up. They've had their livelihoods wrecked. Uh they're probably having wages garnished for child support in a lot of cases. Of course, they're the victim. Of course, they're going to go into the next interaction with women with their eyes wide open and with scars that come with um that treachery that women have placed on them. Absolute joke. Women just don't get it. They just don't get it because most of the time women don't get affected just like men do. And when you do hear about it, it's all over the news. You know, you see those um celebrities who are complaining they have to pay all this child support and you see all the comments on the stories, oh, what man asks for child support or what man would do that? No real man will do that. Well, that's whenever that's the only time they start really feeling it. What it's like to be a man. having your life handicapped uh based on a woman that's no longer in your life anymore and you're still paying for them and watching them have new relationships with men probably in the house they got out of you um in a divorce proceedings and having some guy move into that yeah men aren't a victim what men are the biggest victim of the marriage institution women saying that oh they get the hard done by because they have to play the role of a wife don't get married then
>> communication problems same missing of each other.
>> Yeah. So you know to anybody watching I definitely commend you. It is not easy. You do have to be incredibly brave to navigate this black hole that we have been speaking about the last few minutes. But that percentage that 70% of people get divorced a second time. It just tells me that people aren't doing the work. They're not doing the
>> well, you wouldn't be there for the second time if you put the effort in in the first time. Do the work in your first one, but once again, they don't do it. They think they're going to get another clean slate. Um, and it's going to be perfect the second time around. All right, this is enough. I can't watch any more of this, guys. Uh, if you like my content, my analysis, consider subscribing to the channel. We're getting some good growth lately, and I really appreciate all you guys who watch my videos, especially through to the end. It's a big help to me. Thank you all once again. And if you are dealing with this guys, it does get better, but it does take time. I'm not going to bull crap you on that. Cheers.