Transcription
[Music] [Music] Hello, and welcome to the spooktacular extravaganza of ghoulish crazy. We're here to scare the pants off of you. Well, this isn't quite right; not very scary at all. Oh, I know, much better now.
As you may well already know, Halloween is a very special night; the night when the veil between the two worlds is stretched thin, like a size 2 lingerie on a size 10 frame. Tonight, when it is possible, with the requisite skills and know-how, to contact the dead. You see, I have been cooped up in this house for quite some time. With the current global situation, I don't get to have any guests. And since it's still inappropriate to have guests in the flesh, I thought, why not have guests in spirit? That should be fairly easy. I mean, we've been visited by a spirit recently.
Oh yeah, about a month ago, during a particularly killer online show, we started to hear these strange, unearthly sounds coming from nowhere. Yes, uh, ghoulish noise kept interrupting the performance again and again. You see, earlier in that show, I had made a sort of unusual joke about summoning the ghost of Vincent Price, and it appears from the technical difficulties we had right after that that, uh, he answered our call, which is quite exciting. Some of you might have even been at that show; if you were, please comment down below that you were at that show. I know it caused a big fuss online, and such of us, in fact, that one of the attendees of that particular performance purchased for us and sent us a gift: this genuine Vincent Price signature.
Now, if you don't know Mr. Price, he was a brilliant actor, uh, with no formal training, just like me, and a lover and collector of fine art, also like me. And he happened to be a man with exquisite sense of humor, composure, and unbelievably highly defined cheekbones. I mean, the resemblance is uncanny. I would be so excited to get the opportunity to entertain such a gentleman. And now, with this, I think we have everything we need to do so. You see, according to the magician's guide to spirit conjuring for fun and profit, the ingredients are simple. All you need is a flame, an item once held by the target spirit, a sweet vibration, fantastic, and the power of a talented magician, which we happen to have in spades. All right, now since Vincent Price was a lover of art, we thought spirit writing would be the best way to contact him, so we shall try to do it that way. You see, spirit writing is the most reputable and respected of all the types of spirit contact confirmation strategies. Let's begin. A flame to light your way, an item once held in your very hands to anchor you to this place, and of course, the magical ancient words used to conjure forth spirits for centuries. Come and get it, a sweet vibration. [Music] Yes, I think we have it. He has said to us, um, well, I don't think it worked this time. I wonder what we did. Lawrence, Lawrence, darling, wake up. Lawrence, Lawrence, darling, darling, Lawrence. Lauren, wake the hell up. [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Music] Is [Applause] [Applause] my [Applause] [Music] this is [Applause] [Music] Lauren's daddy, Lawrence. Oh my goodness, that was terrifying. Someone get him a cupcake, or a cocktail, or something, or a cocktail.
Well, that's not a bad idea. You know, Vincent used to adore a cocktail from time to time. Perhaps if there was a drink waiting for him, he'd be more likely to come. Oh, and in the research I did on Vincent Price—it was research, not stalking—I did discover a specific recipe he used to use when he was having dinner parties; his favorite cocktail. Where did I put their recipe? Oh yes, here it is. It's called the Waltzing Vincent. Now, for this drink, you'll only need five ingredients and a good set of shakers. Luckily, I was born with mine. Now, you want to make sure to store your shakers clean and empty, and for the purposes of this particular cocktail, we're going to be using the Boston style shaker instead of the French, for obvious reasons. Now, you may want to write some of these measurements down: 36, 24, 36. Just something to think about. However, for the cocktail, you will need two ounces of cognac. Cognac is simply a variety of brandy, so if you're anything like me, you can substitute for many of the varieties of brandy that you have lying around the house if you don't happen to have cognac. Also, you will need one-quarter ounce of Benedictine. Now, Benedictine is quite an unusual little liqueur, quite mild and overly herbaceous, created by French monks with 27 different herbs and spices and berries in it. Seems a bit overly complex for just a liqueur. Oh, they were French monks. Well, that explains it. You will also need half an ounce of tawny port. Now, it's a very specific kind of port, made with only the reddest of grapes and aged in these big oak casks, so you get this lovely subtle nutty flavor. Thank you. Finally, an herbaceous cocktail like this deserves to have something added to it, something special, perhaps a set of bitters. Now, out of all the bitters, there's one that is more like the salt and pepper of the bittersweet, and that is a good Angostura, used in very many cocktails. Everyone should have this in their cupboard. Two dashes should be enough, perfect. [Music] You'll also have to serve it in a coupe glass. Now, in case you've never seen one before, it looks something like this. All right, enough with that gorgeous color. No, but we did say this included our fifth ingredient: one bit of sidecar, top up to taste. For me, I think about an ounce, ounce and a half, as much as Goosey. You're not in your Halloween costume. Wow, Goosey dressed as a black cat for Halloween. Isn't that adorable? Look at him; he's so [Music] sweet. I guess he didn't like it.
Now that the drink is in her proper glass, we can turn her attention to the garnish. And Vincent knew that a cocktail without a garnish is like a gentleman without his wallet. So, with the addition of a simple cherry, we can elegantly complete the ensemble. Oh, subtle, herbaceous. You know, it tastes about the way I imagined Vincent would smell, but don't take my word for it; make one yourself. Now that we have the cocktail and the signature, I think we have everything we need to raise our spirits. A flame to light your way. [Music] An object you once held to anchor you to this place, and of course, a sweet vibration. [Music] Yes, all right, okay. I think it worked this time. It says, um, it says, uh, it says nothing. I don't think it worked. Lawrence, are you all right? Are you trying to—Do you need a cupcake? Oh, that—Perhaps I'll get him a cupcake. Well, after this, I—I don't think it worked this time, so well, I know what I have to think in a different direction; come at this in another way, perhaps from the bottom up. You see, if you want to conjure the spirits, you must think like a spirit, and spirits have an uncanny relationship with darkness and silence. So our very own Marcy has generously offered to be buried alive. What fun. Let's begin, Lawrence. [Music] Uh [Music] [Music] So [Music] do [Music] so [Music] fantastic.
Now that we understand the spirits, I don't see any reason why this wouldn't work. Finally, it's time to summon the ghost of Vincent Price. David, afternoon delight, or whatever. [Music] Spooky. All right, okay. For the last time, a flame to light your way, items you want him to anger you to this place, and of course, a sweet vibration. [Music] [Music] Ah, wonderful. I'm so excited. All right, Vincent has sent us a message. What's that? Carl's kit, Kel. What does it take for a girl to get a date these days? I've never been stood up in my life. This is ridiculous. I—I'm leaving. Unbelievable. My goodness. [Music] Lucy. [Applause] [Music] [Music] Wow. [Music] Oh, as you may already know, every show we have a segment we call Ask Lucy, and today we thought, since it's Halloween, we do something special, something a little more unusual. We invited you to ask questions for a priest, and then we got one. Hello. Hi. What is your name? Uh, I'm the Reverend Heather Liddell. I already knew that. I already knew that, but I asked for you since you don't know, but I knew that already. Thank you very much for being here. Thank you for having me. Well, technically, thank you for letting us be here because we're at your church. That's true. This is my church. First question: What is a priest? So there are three orders of ordained ministry within the Anglican Church, also the Catholic Church, most mainline denominations, um, so there are deacons, there are priests, and then there are bishops. So every priest was once a deacon, and every bishop was once a priest and a deacon. So the vows kind of pile on each other. Sounds like a pyramid scheme. Is it a pyramid scheme? You know it's not. [Music] So we have some questions from people on the internet. Question number one: What level of hell has Wi-Fi? All of them. Yeah, but the channels are limited. The websites—oh, they're limited to what? Just church websites, mostly. [Music] You're a priest, and even your version of hell is—I can only go to church websites. Okay, good. Everyone's on the same page. Great. All right, so I've heard of sacramental wine. Is there such thing as a sacramental cocktail? Um, no, absolutely not. I mean, I suppose technically, if you were to use consecrated wine in a cocktail, it would then, as the liquids mixed—well, you'd probably have to drink it all, but I wouldn't suggest doing that. So, okay, so what if that already happened? [Music] Ah, well, you'd have to finish it. That's never a problem for me, darling. I always finish my cocktails. All right, next question. Oh, can you dance? Yes. Will you dance? No. Okay. Was Mary full of anything other than grace? [Music] Great. Uh, okay. If God sees everything, does he see me in the bathtub? Yes. How do you feel about people who dress as priests for Halloween? Well, it's technically a federal offense in Canada. That actually might have changed just recently. A lot changed where it's no longer illegal to pretend you're a witch in Canada. It was never illegal to be a witch, but it was illegal to pretend to be one. In a similar but totally different way, it's illegal to impersonate a priest. I'm not sure if that's changed, but that was a lot at some point. Well, that was good information to have. All right, uh, Mother Teresa, Maria von Trapp, and the flying nun. Yes. Kiss Mary Kale. Oh, dear, dear Lord. Um, okay, Mother Teresa, Maria. Yes, Sister. Yes. You know, I don't know how to answer that question, um, but Maria is my favorite. I love that musical. Okay, so kill, flying nun. Got it. Okay, we'll probably—well, just because—because she's such a—she's just—she's a saint, and the martyrdom, being the—the blood of the martyrs being the seeds of the church, so—but I wouldn't want to do the killing. I wouldn't want anyone to die, actually. I—next question. I—I take back my question because of the fear that it brought in your heart. All right. Does transubstantiation—Did I say that? Okay, you did. Okay. Doesn't mean there are no vegan Catholics. Yes. All right, there you have it. Okay. Why are the pews so uncomfortable? We want you to pay attention. It's kind of sad when you're preaching and people fall asleep. So if we make the chairs uncomfortable, maybe they won't. Okay, I like that. Or perhaps you could add wrestling. Oh, what else do people not fall asleep during? Um, um, mostly wrestling, or I could perform, or perhaps monkeys. I like all of those options. Yes, yes. All right, the church is getting monkeys. All right, which religions—uh, okay, which religions allow you to perform exorcisms? Um, if it becomes apparent that an exorcism may be necessary, I would make a call to my bishop, who would then make sure that all of the, um, psychological things were ruled out, and that we weren't doing violence to anybody. And then most Anglican dioceses, from what I've been told, do have a sort of secret exorcist, like it's a priest who's trained in that, but no one knows who it is because that would be weird. So, so there's someone in each group that can perform exorcisms, to my knowledge, that is, but they're a secret. Yes, and everyone's just fine with it. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with it; it's just—Hello, would you like to say hi? Do you want to come be on my lap? I said the word exorcism, and the cat came to me. It feels like a sign. Who is the—way to say it? Well, the weirdest saint—there's so many strange ones, like there's Saint Lucy, who had her eyes plucked out as part of the torture to make her recount her faith, um, or maybe Saint Catherine of Siena, who baby Jesus gave her his foreskin as an engagement ring. Um, don't—she didn't marry until she'd grown up. Or maybe—was that St. Lucy or Saint Agatha who had her breasts, uh, torn off with pincers? Um, there's a town in Italy that commemorates that event with, uh, these little cakes, sort of marzipan cakes with tiny cherries on top. Thank you. Something—Saint Nicholas saved some boys from a pickle barrel after they'd been murdered and put in a pickle barrel, brought them back to life, three of them. Um, I'm sorry, isn't Saint Nicholas the Santa Claus one? Yes, yes. Sent the person—Sant Claus. Hmm. Resurrected murdered children. Yes, but doesn't that sound like Santa? [Music] Sure. No one ate the children. We just eat Jesus. Well, that is all very interesting, darling. I had no idea. Here, you have to come home right now. Okay, I will come right back right now. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Well, I suppose that's the end of a segment we call Ask a Priest. Thank you very much for joining us, darling. We've been so grateful to have this time with you. Thank you. It's been an absolute honor. Thanks. And where is the porch as I leave in my office? Great. Thanks. All right, I'm home. What is it? It's gone. It's gone. He's gone. Who's gone? Oh, all right. Well, very happy. I ran home in heels. It was fun. Seems we didn't successfully summon any ghosts, but we had a good time trying. Thank you for joining us for the Halloween spooktacular of ultimate failure and disappointment. Have a great night. Oh, wait, wait. Where's—Ha ha ha ha! Lawrence! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! [Music] Ha, you.