Transcription
Welcome to The Discipline Life. I'm Arya, and I'm Kota. We use our experience as a married couple living in a domestic discipline marriage to talk about the ups and downs of implementing authority structure and domestic discipline into modern relationships. Let's do it.
Hello everyone. Hey guys. On today's podcast, we are going to be talking all about maintenance. But before we get into it, if you are not already, please subscribe, like this video, leave it a comment. It really does help boost us in the algorithm, gets this video out to more people. If you want to support what we're doing here, a link to our Patreon is down below.
So on today's podcast, we are going into the topic of maintenance. So a maintenance spanking is a spanking that happens outside the context of punishment, without having rules or standards being violated. Um, it's typically lighter than a punishment, it's less intense, and it can be scheduled or spontaneous, depending on the circumstances or the situation. But either way, they do happen regularly. Even though maintenance is a spanking that happens without a real reason behind it, there definitely is a purpose to maintenance, and there's a lot of reasons why a couple may want to use maintenance as a part of their domestic discipline relationship. It's important to note though, that maintenance isn't for everyone. That there are plenty of couples out there that don't find maintenance to be a benefit to their relationship, and they have very happy, healthy domestic discipline relationships without the use of maintenance. But for the couples that want to or find value in maintenance, we're going to go through the common reasons why that is.
So what are the reasons a couple will want to incorporate M M into their domestic discipline relationship? So one of the first things that you may want to do, uh, as part of maintenance, is to establish to maintain your roles within the relationship. And what does that mean? Well, that means if maybe your roles in the relationship have gotten a little undefined, maybe both of you are just kind of been out of step. Um, maybe the head of household and, uh, the taken in hand, they need to establish where they are in the relationship. Maintenance can really help you with this to just hit the exactly that, hit the reset button, get things back on track, uh, to where you guys can move forward, especially if things have been way out of whack. And we know that can happen in life a lot of times. And maintaining that connection is something that maintenance is really, really good at. Because even if you use maintenance as a preventative measure, that can really be helpful too. It's just a way to come back together and understand your roles and understand the connection that you have to your roles within the relationship.
Absolutely. Um, one of the other things that maybe the head of household has had a hard time, uh, withholding expectations. So what, uh, maintenance definitely can do is again, just reestablish what the expectations are, kind of clean the, the, the slate, um, from what has been happening recently, and just completely start over, uh, by reestablishing the rules and together knowing, okay, now we're going to go back forward, uh, with the rules and expectations that we've already set.
Yeah, because sometimes you get into the groove of life and expectations, standards, rules start to slip a little bit. Or even if you're going into a situation where it's not your typical day-to-day, maybe you're going to visit family or you're going to an event, and you really need to establish what the expectations are within that situation, within that circumstance. You can use maintenance to make those expectations clear.
Absolutely, absolutely. This next point, I think is really, really important because we live in a world and, uh, that unfortunately just invokes a lot of stress sometimes. And relationships can be stressful at times. We try to avoid that, obviously. That's why we're all in domestic discipline relationships. But what maintenance can really do for the both of you is help you process through that stress, get rid of it, again, wipe the slate clean, so that you can have, you can look at the problem that you potentially still have with fresh eyes going forward. Because the maintenance maybe is not necessarily going to totally eliminate the issue that you potentially have, whatever that is, um, because maybe that is, uh, brought about by some outside circumstance. But it can help get rid of the stress that is coming from that problem and give you fresh eyes to focus on. And stress can be, in my opinion, one of the worst obstacles that you have to overcome in a relationship. And so that's where the maintenance spanking really comes in and can really help you.
This is one of the primary reasons that we use maintenance in our relationship. Um, you know, I can't speak for the head of household side, but as a taken in hand, life gets really stressful sometimes. And just being able to come back together with my head of household, work through those stresses, be able to have the emotional release that spanking and crying during spanking, specifically, has for me, is a way to really work through those stresses, let those go, so that I can show up to my relationship in the way that I want to and in the way that I need to in order for our relationship to thrive.
And as I mentioned earlier, don't look at maintenance, um, as a head of household, just for your taken in hand. Especially in this area, this is an area that I find that every time that we do maintenance, but especially if we're dealing on the issue of stress, that I view it as a way for me to also get rid of that, to also reestablish who I am as the head of household and what I need to be doing. If this stress is happened because of a failing in my area, perhaps, then this is an opportunity again for me to make things right with my taken in hand and to let her know that we're going to go together through this maintenance to the other side to eliminate that stress so that we then can move forward. So don't look at this as something necessarily just for the taken in hand, but remember this is for the head of household too, especially in the area of stress.
Important note though, is as a head of household, anytime you are in a disciplinary moment, whether that is punishment or maintenance, um, it is really imperative that you are in control of yourself. Absolutely. That you are in control of your actions. So even if you are working through stress, that is not a free pass to kind of take it out on your taken in hand. Uh, you still want to have a level of measured control in those moments.
Absolutely. Thank you for bringing up that point because basically what I'm saying when you're when you're trying to destress yourself, what I'm talking about is that I use this time as I am helping my taken in hand. When I'm helping Arya through this time, I'm doing mental gymnastics. And that's what I mean. Is I'm not doing anything that is going to to mess up her process. I am not at this point trying to, I'm trying to keep myself very controlled and very calculated to help her through the maintenance. But what I'm doing is letting mental pro things go, mental issues that I've been having that maybe that the stress has caused any of those things. That's what I'm letting go. But I'm not letting on to her that that's what I'm doing because I, I want her and my focus needs to be the majority of my focus needs to be on her well-being.
And you're not letting into to me either. Like you're not just using that physical release of, you know, performing a spanking, you're not letting that become how you process. Like you're not just, it's not, I'm not a punching bag at that point.
No, no. And never should your taken in hand be a punching bag, even during punishment. I just want to establish that.
Yeah, I feel like that was a good, um, kind of thing to reiterate and clear. Absolutely. It's very, very important. It's very, very important. I just don't want anyone to misconstrue what we meant by by.
Yeah, no, I think that's very, very important because we, we don't want to be misconstrued in any of this because again, maintenance needs to be a positive thing for the both of you. Um, but we need to make sure that even in maintenance, that, uh, roles are still, uh, being followed through with and that there's a clear, uh, focus on what the roles are during during maintenance. That never stops in a domestic discipline relationship.
And one of the roles of a head of household is to maintain control. That's right. Of himself, of his taken in hand, of the household. Control really is the name of the game. And so if you are losing control of yourself, then you need to step away and come back when you can maintain that control. Um, and that's just part of your role as the head of household. And you should really be very connected to your role whenever you are in any type of spanking.
You used a very important word there and I just want to make sure everybody heard that and understood that. All the head of households, uh, listening or watching, control. That is always one of the most important things that you need to make sure that you are doing and that you are constantly making sure that you are, uh, exhibiting is control. Uh, if not control in the way that we think about it where you're being a dictator and that, you know, you're making, you're saying that my taken in hand has no say at all and I, everything. But you want to make sure that you are controlling your emotions, that you're making sure that when you're doing maintenance, when you're doing punishment, that your emotions are completely controlled and you're not flying off the handle with, uh, any type of frustration or anger. And really, if you are being tyrannical in your leadership, you don't have control.
That's right. Grasping and trying to demand control is not how you get it. You get control first by controlling yourself, and then you can extend those skills into being able to control how you interact with your taken in hand, and the expectations you set, and how you hold accountability. That is where you have control, is in those areas.
And we're not perfect. No, by any means. I'm definitely not. And that includes head of households.
Yep. We're not perfect. And so you are going to get angry sometimes. You may not exhibit self-control or measured control perfectly. But those are the times when you have to recognize it and step away and not let that affect how you interact with your taken in hand.
I love that you brought up the fact that being tyrannical is not in control. I think that's a very, very important principle for them to take away from this particular, uh, section that we're talking about. For sure.
So we just remember that. But I felt like that was a really good little side conversation to have. But now getting back on topic, one of the things that maintenance also will help you do is to reaffirm your commitment to one another and to reestablish the connection that you may have lost, which is why you're doing the maintenance. And when I say that you've lost it, I don't want to say that you've just completely lost the connection with one another, but you've maybe had some communication issues, you definitely feel that there has been a, a lack of that really close connection that you used to having. And so you want to reestablish that and your commitment to one another in this domestic discipline relationship. And again, you can use maintenance as a preventative measure to not lose that connection, but just to maintain it.
Right. Um, we always have a sense of stronger connection after a maintenance spanking. Um, I, that is one of my favorite parts about using maintenance is that I get that connection and I get that, um, stress relief, and I get better connected to my own role, but I also get better connected to my head of household in a way that doesn't require misbehavior. It's just a way that we can come together and reconnect in a way that's productive for our relationship.
Absolutely, absolutely. And that's, uh, one of the things that you really want to make sure should be the focus, I think, of everything that you're trying to do in your domestic discipline relationship. This is to keep connection, to grow closer together, and because of the commitment that you've made to one another. So that's why this principle is so important in the area of maintenance.
Now, for the head of households, this is a point really for you. Not that it's not for the taken in hands, but this is really a good principle for you. What the maintenance spanking can do is almost act as a, a warning. If your taken in hand hasn't broken any rules yet, per se, but they're right on that line, they're right, they're touching that boundary. This can be a really, really great way to get them back in, uh, in check or in on that side that you want them to be before they break the rule. And so that's where maintenance really can come in handy. Is because you can use it as a warning. You can explain to them, look, you are getting really, really close in this area, or maybe many areas. You need to put yourself back in check. Bec and then potentially give them that warning that if this behavior continues, then you will, in fact, uh, get that punishment that you've been so close to getting. So use that in that way to make them aware because they might not be be aware of that. And, uh, they may just think it's been a lack of connection. They didn't realize how close they were getting to that boundary because maybe you haven't had a chance or you have forgotten to give a warning. So this is the perfect way to, as you're trying to get them back on track, to give them that warning that, hey, you're getting close to the boundary, you need to come back this other way.
Yeah, because in your pursuit to be fair and to be understanding, you don't necessarily want to punish and punish harshly for every little thing. Absolutely. And so you can really take maintenance as an opportunity to work through those smaller issues, those smaller misbehaviors, you know, those things that haven't quite crossed the line yet, but they're getting really close. Take maintenance as a way to talk through those. I think that when we think of like lecturing, we think of it in the context of punishment, but lectures are a really helpful tool to maintenance as well. And this is one way that that is very prevalent is that in the times where you need to use maintenance as a warning, as a corrective measure, but not a punishment, um, it's still not a punishment, but it is maybe more corrective in nature. Um, using that lecture really is important during maintenance as well.
Absolutely, absolutely. So don't forget that this is really a, a great way to reestablish those boundaries. That's the big key there. Um, and boundaries are always good to reestablish. But that's where the maintenance spankings.
Sales or having trouble warning. This can really be a good tool in your tool though. This is what maintenance helps you do. It helps you just like we were talking about, reestablish boundaries. This also helps you reestablish goals that you've set for your relationship. And those, um, can constantly be changing sometimes or those can be goals that you have established at the beginning of every year, every quarter, however you set it up. But this can be very, very important for, uh, making sure that you're taken in hand and you stay focused on the things that you've set there, important to your relationship. And so the maintenance spanking can be better than a conversation sometimes. It can even be better than those warnings because again, you have opportunities during the maintenance spanking to talk to, lecture for lack of better term, and, uh, to reestablish those, uh, boundaries and goals that you've set for your relationship.
It can really help you like focus on your overall goals. Um, sometimes when we set goals, they're more of like relationship concepts rather than actionable steps. And so the maintenance can kind of reaffirm what our concepts that we are striving towards, what we are wanting to accomplish in our relationship, what we're wanting to accomplish through domestic discipline, um, what we are wanting to work towards together. And maintenance can just help us focus on those goals. It can also be an opportunity for Kota to give me direction on those actionable steps to work towards those bigger concepts. And so it's really a way that he can also, um, exercise leadership in a way that's more concentrated and well received. Um, like he said, you can always have a conversation, but sometimes having a conversation during maintenance is maybe paid attention to just a little bit more closely.
Now, one of the things that that we've seen, uh, with couples in domestic discipline relationships and even in our relationship, in order to make sure that we're accomplishing our goals, that you're taking in hand is staying within the boundaries, that you're keeping that connection, all the things that we've just named before, these maintenance spankings, uh, are good so that you can maintain that discipline. Now, discipline is one of those words that sometimes that that we, uh, have the wrong definition about. We automatically go potentially to a punishment or something like that. All the, the, the word discipline means is that it keeps us on a straight path. It keeps us going towards our goals. It keeps us going towards growth. And so for a domestic discipline relationship, as we've established in past podcasts, growth is important. Staying on the straight and narrow, staying going towards, uh, again, the goals and the boundaries that you've set for your relationship is really important. So the maintenance spankings can help you maintain discipline in your goals, but also as the head of household, maintain the discipline that you really, really need to maintain with your taken in hand.
There are some taken in hands that really need to feel that tangible connection to their head of household and feel that tangible connection to the leadership and the guidance. And if they're not getting regular maintenance to to feel that connection to the discipline, um, they're more likely to act out. They're more likely to break rules intentionally or unintentionally. Sometimes it's a subconscious response in order to get that connection to the discipline process. So by using maintenance, you are meeting their need for that tangible connection to the discipline process in a way that's not going to undermine the authority of the head of household, that's not going to disrupt the relationship with continual disobedience. Um, it's really disheartening when you have a taken in hand that's continually disobeying just to be able to be punished. Um, and it's not that she wants to be punished, it's not that she has like, you know, an enjoyment factor of being punished, but she really wants to feel the leadership that she wants from her head of household on a regular basis. And sometimes that can come into play and it can be really, really discouraging if you are seeing repeated misbehaviors. It's very tempting to think like, oh, this isn't working, this, this relationship structure is not for us. And I know that Kota doesn't enjoy having to punish me in a way that is very corrective.
It's true. So if I required regular corrective punishment, it would become very, very troublesome to him. He would start to feel like he was failing as a leader. Absolutely. He would start to feel like this isn't working. Um, all of those things. And so by incorporating maintenance, I get that connection to his leadership. I get that need for regular connection to the discipline process met while we can still grow in our relationship, grow in, um, the health of our relationship. Because at the end of the day, as a taken in hand, I want to be obedient and I want to be submissive. And if I am consciously or subconsciously creating strife and creating misbehavior in my relationship in order to feel that connection to the discipline process, that is not meeting those goals.
Absolutely not. And so that's what I would say is like, you may have a taken in hand that just needs that ongoing connection to discipline in order to thrive as a taken in hand. And if you don't meet that through the use of maintenance, then you're more likely to see misbehavior. So the key takeaway with that is, is that if you're having trouble in your domestic discipline relationship right now, uh, maybe you're taken in hand is lacking that connection because there's a lack of maintenance. So maybe that's a conversation that you need to have.
So one of the last points that we have is that this is where maintenance, although all of these points were really important, this could be one of the most important things that maintenance can bring you. And that is that you are are able to stop problems before they turn into a violation. During maintenance, you can address, hey, you, you broke this, but you're getting a warning. You break it again, then it will turn into, uh, a punishment. And so maintenance can be a great way if you have rules set up like that in your relationship where some violations aren't an immediate spanking. The maintenance can be that warning to say, hey, you're getting again, really, really close to the line. You've, you've violated this. If you violate it again, you're going to get a punishment. This is really, really similar to a previous point of using maintenance to as a warning, but this is slightly different from the standpoint that you're seeing maybe these ongoing issues or you're seeing, um, rules being broken that again, might not result in a spanking right away. But if you're seeing multiple, uh, things happen, happen, or you're seeing several days in a row where these little issues are coming up, a firm maintenance might be in order in order to correct that and to say, you know, we are going to establish some boundaries here and this is kind of a warning to show you that a spanking can happen for these things. And if they continue to happen, then a real punishment will happen.
[Laughter] Because ultimately, a maintenance spanking does serve as that warning to say, you know, maintenance is not as intense as punishment. And if you don't like this, then you're really not going to like the, the punishment that could happen.
Absolutely, absolutely. I think that as we've been talking through maintenance, we've really tried to give a balanced perspective of how maintenance is helpful for both the taken in hand and the head of household. Because I think it's really important to note that there are some reasons, um, that are more focused on the taken in hand experience, but there's also some reasons that are more focused on the head of household, uh, experience and position. And so maintenance is not just for one person. MH. It has to be something that both people in the couple really find value in and can come together and have that, um, experience be productive for the whole relationship. If you're doing it just for the sake of the taken in hand, or if you're doing it just for the sake of the head of household, you're not going to have long-term success in that structure. So it's really something that you have to come together and find a balance of meeting both, both of your needs in order to have it be effective and to be successful and to be a positive integration into your relationship.
And really to sum this all up, uh, maintenance can be very, very important, but it's not for every domestic discipline relationship. So again, this all goes back to what we've always said, sit down and have conversations. If you don't have maintenance already and you're having maybe a little bit of your, your domestic discipline relationship has been, uh, stifled or is not growing as much as you would like, maybe maintenance can be for you. So, uh, just explore and have these conversations on whether or not, uh, maintenance can work for your relationship. And hopefully these points that we talked about today, um, will really help you as you go forward, uh, with maintenance. Because again, we find it to be in our relationship, a very crucial and very, very important part of our domestic discipline relationship. It really is kind of a cornerstone of the overall success that we have had. Um, but Kota is absolutely right. It is not a necessity. It's not something that you have to use. Um, but if you are finding that maybe you're hitting some points of frustration and you're not using maintenance, or you're maybe not using maintenance regularly, really kind of take a step back and try to determine whether or not that might be something that would benefit your relationship. It's all about finding what works for you in your unique relationship for the people that are in that relationship. So thanks so much for joining us for this conversation. Again, if you want bonus content and you want to connect with us more, a link to our Patreon is down below. See you later.