Transcription
If you are among the millions and millions of men who recently received word from the Lady of the House that their services were no longer required and that they must vacate as quickly as possible, then this video is for you. Today, I want to talk to you about the two paths that lay ahead of you because you're at a crossroads right now. And path one, you never get past this day and it lives with you for the rest of your life. And everything that happens from this point forward gets filtered through the most miserable day of your life. Path two is you move on and you become happier, stronger. So much so that people are annoyed with how happy you are. That's life 2.0. Today, I want to help you identify within yourself what path you're headed down and how to steer yourself correctly to life 2.0. This is life 2.0. Let's talk about it.
So, we're going to have two guys in our little venture here. We'll have Dave and Andy. Dave got word from his wife that she was having an affair and uh she's come to the conclusion that their marriage is over. Dave had no clue what was going on. He's completely floored by the whole thing. He wakes up the morning after he's moved out of the house to find himself in a an apartment with a mattress on the floor. No TV, no food, no nothing. His entire life has been turned upside down. He does not know what comes next. Andy, same kind of situation. Let's say uh she didn't cheat. Let's just say she just got fed up with him. Been 20 plus years, kids are grown. She wants him out of the house. She's ready for her own life 2.0. And she thinks that Andy's holding her back. She does not want him in his in her life anymore. She wants to explore what the world has to offer an attractive woman in her 50s. So this is where we start.
Now on day one, these guys pretty much start in the same place, you know, where uh they are in a state of shock. They have both been kicked out of their lives basically. The uh emotional trauma of it is pretty significant. And the mo worst part is you realize that the most difficult times are ahead of you. Like this isn't going to end anytime soon. You are just at the beginning of this journey and you know it. And you know this is a a long hard fight.
So Dave will call. He's a type one guy. He's checking his phone every 30 minutes to see if his ex soon to be ex-wife is changing her mind. whether she's sending him a text message and saying, "I was wrong about the whole thing. You're you're the man for me." Um, he's neurotic because he's clinging to what was there. He wants what was um his life and everything he had grown accustomed to. He does not want to move forward. He does not want to change. He does not want to um discover what lays out there for him. He's still holding on to this idea of what this relationship was in his head. He doesn't realize or at least he doesn't want to admit to himself that that's a relationship that really has been over for a very long time.
Andy, on the other hand, he's not checking his phone. He's coming to terms with the reality that he's facing. He realizes that it's going to be a tough journey. But the only way for him to move forward is to cut ties with the past emotionally and to come to terms with where he is in a state of acceptance in this moment. He has to accept what's happened that this is over. He needs to move past the pain which will last for a while until he can reach a state where he can have a clear head and make some decisions about what comes next for him.
One of the biggest lies that men tell themselves going through divorce is that they want to retain the marriage for the sake of the children. And in fact, maybe they've been staying in the marriage this whole time thinking that this was going to benefit their kids in some way, shape, or form. And the truth of the matter is if you are in a bad marriage, that's the caveat here. If your marriage sucks, like there's no love, there's no romance, there's no affection, you guys are just putting up with each other, there is tension in the air all the time, you're walking on eggshells, she's got a scowl on her face half the time. Well, your kids can kind of pick up on that. They're not idiots. You know, you're not creating an environment that is modeling something that they would want to have in their own lives. You may be screwing up your kids way more by keeping them in a bad marriage than you would if you just, you know, cut bait and just got the hell out. Because the longer you stay, the worse things are going to get. You're not going to find that uh suddenly one day she's going to just become your princess again. No, that's done. Those days are over. So getting out is the only thing that you can do. You just got to move forward and uh understand that what happens with the children from here on out, you've got a lot of control over. You don't have to leave them sacrificial lambs, if you will, to the uh gods of divorce because you can still play a huge role. You you can still determine a lot of the outcomes for them even though you may not be living in the same household with them.
So, here's where these two guys really start to diverge. Type one guys, the guys like Dave, they are um in that emergency mode. Attachment is critical to them. Having this relationship is their identity. And since this relationship is now gone, they feel like they need to do something to find a new identity. and they do the math and they come to the conclusion that the best way to get that is through some external validation through another woman. So, yes, they they download all the apps. And I'm telling you this from from experience. I'm not just telling you because I'm I'm throwing shade at any of you guys. Trust me, I I took down I went down path one first. I went down path one first and I was on all the apps and he's looking for some external validation. He's trying to find a woman that's going to make him feel whole again. He's going to get Bumble. He's going to get Tinder. He's going to get OkayCupid and Match and all the others. He's going to be on there. He's going to have uh a whole herum of uh middle-aged women, liking him online. It's not too long after you get online with these women, these uh divorced women, and that's really what most of them are, before you realize two things. Number one, they're not what you're looking for more often than not. This take a lot longer to find than just uploading to an app. And number two, you're not what they're looking for because you are not a whole man. And you don't know that at this moment. You think that uh the fact that you're physically intact and you're intellectually capable and you've got uh some money in the bank that you're a whole man and you are not. You have not um filled that void left by your marriage with something internal.
Guy two, Andy, he's on a different path. He realizes that the loneliness that he feels inside is not an emergency. It's not an alarm going off. This is just a uh temporary state of mind and he can change it. It's not something that's external to him. It's something that's internal. It's something that he's feeling. So, it's something that's coming from within him. So, he realizes on some level, perhaps subconsciously, he's creating this experience. And if he can create it, then he can create something different. He does not have to fall into the trap of loneliness. Loneliness is not a disease that you catch from someone else. It's not something that you pick up off a toilet seat or something. Loneliness is something that you create in your head. It's a belief system that you have. And all you have to do is change your thoughts. And when you change your thoughts and you hold on to them long enough, well, your beliefs change. And once your beliefs change, well, then your experience is going to change. So, you just have to go through that process. Now, it's not easy and it's not fast, but it's it is effective. It will absolutely work for you.
So, instead of jumping on the apps and trying to find a woman to validate him, Andy, he's going to try to rediscover who he is, he might um connect with some old friends. He might start to a hobby that he had maybe dropped from being a kid or had an interest that he never really pursued and just start checking it out. Start using his intellect to fill his time with things that are interesting to him. Things that maybe he won't have the opportunity to explore in the future, but now he's been given this opportunity and this time in his life when he can put some time aside just for himself. And this is the best time if you haven't been staying in shape to hit the gym. this is absolutely the best time to do it because it has so many different effects on your brain and your psychology and your outlook on life that if um if you have not been maintaining your health, now is the time to do it and to make it part of your day-to-day operations. When you make your health a priority, number one, you're telling yourself that you you you're worthy you're worthy of it. Number two, you feel better, you're stronger, you're healthier, your head is clearer, your emotions are under control, you're sleeping better at night. um you're not tempted to go down the path of getting drunk all the time and wallowing in your sorrow over whatever just happened, you know, and you know, you don't want to feel sorry for yourself. So, you've got to keep your body clean so you can get to the gym and actually make some progress because you can't you can't use a Budweiser as a post-workout drink. You know what I mean? That's not going to work for you. And uh if you are um not taking care of yourself, you're not going to see the progress. You're just going to get frustrated and irritated with yourself. So, you got to make a decision. I'm either going to be a drunk or I'm going to be a healthy fit guy. Now, what am I going to do? Which is a better path for me. And, you know, I think it's pretty obvious being healthy and fit is a lot better than being a drunk by anyone's standards.
And here's the thing. A lot of guys think that if I go down this path of alcoholism and I I just lose myself on alcohol and I get all my life just goes to [ __ ] That she's going to feel sorry for me. She's gonna say, "Oh my god, I did not realize how dependent he was on me. I didn't realize I was so important to him. Look at this poor guy. his whole life has fallen apart. I feel sorry for him. No, she doesn't give a [ __ ] She doesn't care about what happens to you now. She's already made her decision. If you fall apart, she's she might be sad for you, but I guarantee you she's not going to come back. You know, you're not going to make her feel guilty. She's probably going to be more like, "Boy, I'm glad I dodged that bullet." You're not going to manipulate her by destroying yourself. And too many guys want to do that. They want to manipulate their ex by blowing up their own lives. That's just stupid. Don't do that.
No matter how crappy your ex-wife was, when you stop and reflect on your marriage, there are going to be things where you're going to feel guilt. You're going to feel shame. You're going to feel remorse for some of the things that happened because you realize that you were a part of it. That's not unhealthy. That's totally normal. What's unhealthy is what you do with that. So, if you try to run away from that by getting another woman in your life or getting drunk or getting high or eating yourself into oblivion, then yeah, that's that's unhealthy. That's not going to take you to the places where you want to go. If you go to the gym or you go to a therapist or you hang out with some friends and you help yourself um come to terms with these feelings and understand that these are completely normal and this is part of the process. Like if everything was perfect in your marriage, if you were the perfect guy, more than likely she wouldn't have left, you know. Now, there's a chance that she's done that job. I mean, I know it. There's psychopaths. There's, you know, borderline narcissists, all that stuff. I get it. But more than likely, there was some things that you could have done differently that might have made this thing better. And if you come to terms with that, if you are facing that and you're starting to question whether or not um you could have done something differently and you start secondguessing yourself and you start allowing yourself to go down that path of self-destructive behavior, then you're headed in the wrong direction. You need to do be reflective. Yes. And you need to grow and learn from your experiences. Absolutely. But you also need to forgive yourself. You need to let yourself off the hook. We're all trying to figure ourselves out here. No one has this thing mastered. I don't care how good-looking, how smart, how rich, whatever you think you see about somebody, whatever you think about somebody, I guarantee you they've got some [ __ ] in their lives they're trying to work out right this minute. They're trying to figure themselves out. And um you're just right there with the rest of us. You're just trying to figure yourself out. So, just let go of your preconceived idea that you're perfect and your [ __ ] stinks just like everybody else's does. And you got to get right down in it to figure out what's going on. You got to figure out what's going on inside your head, inside your heart, and how you can be the best version of yourself.
This divorce is a gift to you. This divorce is going to help you become the better man. It's going to help you enjoy your life more. It's going to help you have better, stronger, healthier relationships, not just with women, but with everyone. So, embrace the pain. realize it is what it is and you're going to have to deal with it. You know, when it gets a little bit too much and you start feeling yourself getting uptight, your your uh um hot blood pressure is going up, you know, you're starting to feel yourself getting a little anxious about it, go to the gym, you know, talk to a therapist. Um get out of the house, go for a run, go for a walk, talk to some friends. Um hell, get a video game. Honest to God, just something to distract you from it. Just allow it to go by. You know, these negative thoughts, they're like clouds in the sky. There's no clouds out today. is a perfect day. But you know, the clouds just blow by, you know, and then the blue sky reveals itself. And that blue sky, that's your clarity. That's your perfection. And when you look at a perfectly blue sky and from horizon to horizon, you think, "Wow, isn't that amazing how gorgeous it is?" And if one little cloud blows by that blue sky, does it ruin it? No. The cloud's going to keep on going. You know what I mean? Just let it go. And so when you have those negative thoughts, think about it like that cloud. it's just going to blow by and you just got to let it go. Don't cling to it. Don't focus on it. Just let it go.
One of the most difficult skills to learn is to identify when you are in that sympathetic nervous system, when you're in that fight orflight mode. So, when you go into fight or flight, when you're feeling threatened, whether it be something external or internal, and it can be an internal thought, you can just be threatened by some memories that you have. You know, you can literally put yourself back in that place and you can put your physiology into that fight orflight mode. Recognize that when your blood pressure increases and you feel the tension in your chest and you feel your hands, you know, gripping into fists, that is your sympathetic nervous system. And the problem with it, it is designed specifically for survival. So blood and resources go to your extremities. You become a faster runner. you uh will be able to hit harder. Um but your brain will not get those resources. And so your prefrontal cortex kind of gets shut down, which is sort of ironic because that's sort of our our best weapon in a fight, you know, is our brains. But um when you're in a say a conflict with your ex-wife, let's say for whatever reason you've got to talk to her about the kids or whatever, and you know the way those conversations can go, they get ugly. You've got to recognize that when that conversation starts turning in that direction that what's happening inside your body is actually preventing you from having a rational conversation because your brain, the thinking part of your decision-m brain, the executive functioning is no longer online. You have basically um disabled modern brain software and you have uploaded the caveman software. And the caveman software might be really great if you're chasing a bear or being chased by a bear, I should say, or you've got to deal with a threat, but she's not a threat. You know, you can't fight your way out of this one. You got to think your way through it. And the way you have to when you when you recognize in yourself and you see this is happening, you know, because once it's happened, it's happening. It's very hard to dismantle this midstream. You can take some breaths. So, that's one way is to start taking some deep breaths and allowing yourself to um relax through it. But probably initially, you're going to have to end the conversation and say, you know, I really can't talk right now. We can talk about this later. And then just take a few deep breaths and let yourself come back down, realizing that um any kind of reaction that you give her in this moment is probably going to be something that you're going to regret at some point in the future, especially if you have not gone to court yet, because this could turn into something much worse. So, learning to respond to negative situations rather than react is a much much better path. And deescalating um potentially difficult situations is critical because if you say the wrong thing and that conversation escalates to something else, it's not going to be healthy for you. It's not going to be healthy for your relationship with your ex. It's not going to be healthy for your your whole situation.
I know that she's your ex and a lot of guys say, "Screw her. I don't care what she thinks about me and I can imagine. But if there's children involved in this situation, well, she's still going to be in your family one way or the other. You're still going to have to deal with her. So, you may not like her, but you definitely need to find a way to be cordial enough to have a relationship with her that is um not threatening to either of you. It's not a explosive situation, you know. Um because if you if you can't, then your kids really will suffer, you know.
Here's a quick road map for you for going down path two, for taking Andy's path here. Number one, recognize that you are a complete man. Now, you may have some injuries right now, some emotional wounds that you've got to deal with. But a woman is not going to help you deal with that. At least not a romantic partner. Maybe a friend, maybe a sister, maybe um your mom, I don't know. But uh having a uh a woman involved in this situation as a romantic partner is not going to make you whole again. In fact, it's more likely to make that wound much much worse. This guy I talked to recently, his wife left him a few months ago and he's just in such pain. I mean, he's just in such pain. I could it was palpable. I could just I wanted to do something for him. But he was um convinced that the only way for him to find resolution was to find another woman. And he had created a trap, like a cycle in his head. He said, "But but I'm not good-looking enough to attract a woman, but that's the only thing I can have." And so now he's stuck in this circular negative thought, like, "I can only have a woman to make me feel better, but I'm not attractive enough to find a good woman." Like, I'm always the the hard past guy. They never go for me. Like, that kind of thinking is self-destructive. I mean, it's so easily to see. I mean, on the surface, just that cycle of thought is going to make that wound so much more. And when you go out on the dating scene, it's easy to fall into that trap, especially after you've just been rejected by your wife. Yeah. So, now you're going to get rejected by other women. I'm telling you, I dated a lot of women on dating apps, but I'm getting maybe one out of 10, one out of 20. You know what I mean? I mean, you, it's a numbers game, and you got to just take a beating. You got to be willing to not take it personally. And when you're just out of your marriage, it's hard not to take it personally. You know, you just got rejected by your best friend, by the person who knew you better than anyone in the world. She just threw you out on your ass. She just told you you weren't good enough. What the [ __ ] is that about? You know, and now you're going to go out and ask another woman for her opinion. Please save yourself the pain, man. Don't do that. That is not the path forward. The path forward is to look inward. Who you are as a man is whole. You just need to know it. You just need to find that wholeness in you. Reach out to your friends. Find a hobby. Start working out. Rebuild your life from the ground up. Be the man that you want to be. Start with the foundation of who you are. Who are you? What are your values? What do you care about? What's important to you in your own life separate from her in your old life? Um, what career path are you on? Does it fit you? Do you want to do something different? Now is a good time to look at that. Um, what hobbies have you given up because of your marriage? What interests do you have that you would love to explore? Now's the time to do those things. Don't allow yourself to fall into the trap of thinking that the only thing that can help you through this is a woman because that is not the case. If you are in that place and you have that mindset, I strongly suggest you get some therapy. I swear to God, you need to just get yourself in front of another human being and start telling them what's in your head and they can bounce some ideas around with you. And then I I I swear you will find that it'll release you from that trap of negative circular thinking. And I think that's the key because if you go out there and you start finding you're trying to find women, the ones that you're going to find are not going to be up to par. They're not going to be what you want because you don't know what you want, number one. And you're going to get rejected a lot by some women that you don't even care about. But it's going to hurt you. It's going to hurt you. So don't don't go down that path.
Number two, you got to have an emotional processing system. So, when you do have that fight orflight system pop in and you're starting to feel yourself getting all uptight, you need to have a plan for what you're going to do. I talk about breathing through it. Absolutely. Having the thoughts about the blue sky, it's a good one. Um, going to the gym, working out, it's a good one. Getting outside for a walk, that's my go-to thing. Like if I feel a little bit stressed out, 10 minutes into a walk out here in the forest and I forget what I'm stressed out about. It is magical. And I think there's a lot of science to back it up. When you get outside in nature and you're around a lot of green and trees or the ocean or whatever, your body just goes into rest and relax. You start feeling good. You know, here's the funny thing is I know this forest is filled with all kinds of critters that would cause me and my dogs problems. And we've been walking out here for 13 years and I've seen tons and tons of snakes of all kinds. and we have never had a problem. Now, I'm tempting fate here, but it's because I'm in a state of relaxation and even if something did happen, I would be able to respond to it correctly. You know what I mean? I wouldn't be afraid of what would happen. I know that I can handle whatever that is. Um, and when you're in that rest, relaxed state of mind, you your confidence of who you are and what you're about increases significantly. So you need to allow yourself to get back into that. I believe that the vast majority of people are in some state of anxiety most of the time throughout their entire life all day long every day for years and years and years. So learning what it feels like to be in that complete parasympathetic system where you're really truly relaxed and you're not anxious about anything. That is the pathway to life 2.0. It's only through that frame of mind, through that peacefulness that you're going to find joy and fulfillment in your life. It doesn't come from anxiety. You know, effort from anxiety is still just anxiety. Effort from a place of response, from a rest and relax position where you you know what you want, you're clear about where you're going and what you want. Totally different environment, totally different approach, totally different outcomes. So change the way you think about um those negative emotions when they start popping up. Have a process. Allow them to, you know, blow by like the cloud and have a plan for what you're going to do when you start to feel them. Don't allow yourself to sit and wallow in it. Because if you sit in that darkness and you wallow in it, it will consume you.
Third, you need some social infrastructure. You need to have people in your life that you like and can hang out with. Now, they don't need to be your best buddy. They don't need to be like the end all be all, but someone you can hang out with, maybe go out for a drink with, watch a football game with, whatever. You need to have people you can talk to. Doesn't have to be about your marriage. You don't need to give them all your emotional [ __ ] and all your secrets. Just someone you can hang out with and talk to. You know, you'll be surprised at how similar other people's life experiences are to yours. It's scary sometimes. Just like we're all living the same damn life, you know? It's like, how is it your experiences are so similar to mine? I see that so frequently in the comments and it's like, you know something, that's like kind of a scary thing. It's like someone's running a simulation and they're trying all the different possibilities and we're all kind of falling into the same hole, you know? But, uh, building a social infrastructure that you have someone to talk to is really, really critical. Even if you got to go to a therapist to start with, do it. Just do it. Um, it'll make a difference. It'll help you get through it and you'll feel stronger, better, more on track sooner. And the sooner you get to that place, the better you're going to feel.
Next, you got to kind of go through the whole marriage. You got to think it through. What went wrong? Why did it happen? What was your role in it? How could it have been different? Not that you're trying to get it back because you don't you don't want it back, but you don't want to repeat the same thing. You don't want to figure you don't want to go through life having the same problem that happened to you over and over and over again. Life will do this to you. If you don't figure out what you screwed up at the first time around, it's sort of like reincarnation, except instead of dying and coming back to life, you're just divorced and remarried. Divorced and remarried, divorced and remarried. Happens to so many guys. You do not want that on your resume. Five marriages. No, you don't want that on your resume. That's not the way to live. Learn the lesson now. Figure it out. You cannot blame her for everything. You've got to take responsibility because you chose her, you [ __ ] You married her. You married the [ __ ] You know, you married her. So, you've got to come to terms with that. Why did you marry her? What was in your head? What was the insecurity that drew you to this crazy woman? you know, um, when you can come to terms with what your role was, you can start making changes to the way you approach life and the way you approach relationships and you can start to see your own weaknesses because we all have shortcomings. There's all things that we we have inside us that we're we're not so good at. And I certainly picked up a lot of shortcomings from going through my own, you know, history in marriage and figuring out what went wrong. And um it's made me healthier, smarter, more aware. You know, if I'm in relationships with women now, I know if I start feeling those same old feelings that got me into so much trouble before, well, I need to take a breath. I need to stop. I need to figure things out because if I keep going down this path, it'll take me right back to the place I was before. And I don't want to go down there. I don't I've been there. I've done that. I don't want to go back down that path. So figure yourself out. Figure out your marriage. Learn the lessons. Don't repeat them.
And finally, you need to have a vision for what you want for yourself. Intentional intentionally visualizing your future. Seeing it in your head and repeating it over and over and over again. Write it down in a journal if you want on a piece of paper. Doesn't matter. It doesn't have to be anything formal. Just start to get some ideas. And if you write it down and you start to see it in writing, it becomes more and more real to you. And I'm talking about setting not just a goal like I want to make so much money or I want to have some job or I want to live in some place, but a visualization for what your life is like. You know, start thinking about all the different aspects. What kind of career are you going to have? Where are you going to live? What kind of lifestyle are you going to have? Um what kind of woman would you like to attract when you're ready? Like what is that woman like? start working on that avatar for what that woman might be like. Um, if you're even going to have a woman in your life, maybe that you're maybe not even ready to start thinking about that. But get clarity about where your life is going. Cuz that is the beacon that helps you stay focused on where you're what direction you're headed in. It keeps you looking forward and not backward. And you got to stay looking forward because if you don't, the temptation to look back and to fall into the darkness that was this terrible occurrence in your life is too easy. You know, it's like reliving the trauma over and over and over again, and you don't want that. So, keep your head up, keep your eyes on the horizon, and focused on what lies ahead for you. Because when you can stay in that place, only good things are going to happen.
For some reason, human beings believe that um change is difficult, change is painful, and it is. There's no question about it. More often than not, you're going to have to, you know, get uncomfort, get out of your comfort zone. You're going to have to do some things that aren't easy when you're going through change. But staying the same eventually becomes more painful than change. when you're trying to keep things the way they are, like staying in a bad marriage, um staying at a job you hate, not moving your life forward the way you know that it probably should just because it's too difficult or it's too painful to think about. Well, staying the way things are will cost you more than change. So, it's just like the better of two bad choices. You can either stay the same or you can change. There is no third choice. These are the only two choices that you have. Staying the same gives you immediate comfort. Makes you feel like everything's okay in this moment, but it will eventually consume you. It eventually will destroy you. You will eventually come to the place where you realize that um you needed to move forward a long time ago. And it's very likely that the divorce that you're going through right now is an outcome of your not moving forward sooner yourself. You probably had an inkling at some point in the past that this marriage was over and yet you stayed because it was more comfortable to stay. That's the bottom line. Now you're out of it. You need to move forward. You need to continue this process. Do not allow yourself to stay in this place where you are, you know, feeling rejected and um your life is upside down and you're remorseful and you're shameful and all that stuff. No, you got to keep moving. You got to keep moving forward because if you don't, the uh the past will, like I said, consume you. It'll tear you up. it'll you'll stay in that place and you will um your life will get darker and darker and darker and more and more miserable until eventually you just get sick when something terrible happens. So, you got to keep your eyes on the horizon and moving forward.
It's the greatest opportunity. It truly is. Life 2.0 know is the opportunity for you to take all of your knowledge, all of your resources, all of your dreams and bring them into this moment and decide how you want to construct your world going forward. You are like a painter and you have the opportunity to put paint a canvas on a clear canvas for the first time probably since you were a kid. Do it. Do it with enthusiasm. Yeah, it's going to be a little scary. Yeah, it's going to be hard sometimes. Yeah, there's going to be challenges. No question. All those things are going to be true. But it's way better than staying in the place that you've been. You're way better off now than you were before she threw you out or you left or whatever. So, take advantage of it. Don't allow yourself to fall into the hole of despair.
All right, you guys. That's all I got for you today. I hope you've enjoyed this video. If you know a guy who's going through a tough time with his divorce, please share this video with him. Anyway, till next time, stay healthy and if you can, stay single.