Transcription
[Music] [Music]
So why do we communicate, by the way? Is it important to know why we do it? Do something sometimes? Do you forget why you're doing it while you're doing it?
See, some people think that the reason they're communicating is to express intense feelings in a negative way to someone else. It's not mean; it's to get somebody to change. Here's what you said: You said that we communicate so we can share feelings, or experience love, or be understood, or exchange information, or share joy, or have a relationship, or give satisfaction, or develop ourselves, or get a desired response, or express curiosity, or experience ecstasy, or have fun, or feel associated, or get results, or be a team, or get what I want, or experience something, or to get love, or to feel happy, or to feel satisfied, or to gain knowledge, or to learn, or to grow spiritually, or to know yourself, or to be fulfilled, or contribute, or to experience laughter, or to be social, to have, be in a better environment, to give what you want, to really live, whoa, to be healthy, to have peace, to help, to get someone to put this back on the poster board for you, to be, to not be a monk, to support, to get attention, to survive, to teach, to build, to be creative, to negotiate, to avoid pain, to survive, to win, to advance, to influence, to interact, to have peace, to heal, to create distinctions, to get a paycheck, to get a raise, to experience self-respect, to expel energy, to have integrity, to influence, to get married, to avoid misunderstanding, to ask questions, to gain pleasure, to participate in life, to sell, to excel, to cry for help, to empower.
I say that these are all reasons why you communicate, but those aren't the real reasons. I say you communicate for three reasons, and all those fall into these three reasons.
Number one reason you communicate is to create or enhance a positive feeling. You want to create a positive feeling, or you want to enhance a positive feeling. That's the bottom line: to create or amplify a good feeling.
Number two, you communicate in order to get out of a negative feeling. To get out of a negative feeling. You got a negative feeling and you want to get rid of it. You communicate as a way to try and get rid of that negative feeling. Is that true? So either do it because you communicate somebody because you want to feel better in some way, or you communicate because you don't like the way you feel and you want to get rid of that negative feeling.
Or thirdly, you create, you communicate to create a new result. You communicate because you want to create a new result. Third reason you communicate because you want to create a new result. By the way, why do you think you want to create a new result? Because you BS, you belief, you have a belief system that says if we change the result, then I'll feel what? You think better. I'll feel good. Is that true? The only reason you want to change results is you think if you change the results, you'll feel better.
In fact, I could take all three of these and chunk them into one reason. Why do we communicate? To feel good. Isn't that really why we're communicating? That's the only reason we communicate. You're always communicating either to create a good feeling or amplify a good feeling.
For example, if you're feeling good, why do you always share that? You want to share it because by sharing with other people, it makes you feel even what? Better. If you're feeling really lousy, why do you want to tell somebody how you feel? Because by telling them how you feel, you think it'll get rid of the negative feeling and make you feel what? That's right.
Or you're communicating because you want them to change something. And why do you want them to change it? Because you think if they change this result, then in the future, you'll feel what? Better. Or if you believe that it'll change in the future, you'll feel good. So why do you communicate? To feel what? That's it.
Now, take a look at your list. See if it's true. To be healthy? Does that make you feel better? To have peace? Does that make you feel better? To not be a monk? Does that make you feel better? Well, unless you're a monk, you kind of like being a monk, but for this person, that would make them feel better. How many would agree? Okay.
How about to support? Why do you want to support? Because it makes you feel what? Better. When you, makes you feel good. To get attention? Why? Because you think if you get attention, you'll feel what? Better. To survive? That usually makes you feel better when you survive. Other says when you don't. To teach? Why do people want to teach? Because it makes them feel what? Good. Better. To build a relationship? Why do you want to build a relationship? Because it makes you feel what? Better. Good. Or better. You know, either one. Well, it depends on the person. To be creative? Why do people want to be creative? Because it makes them feel good.
Is there anything on this list that doesn't meet this distinction? Why do we create distinctions? Because we think by doing that, what we can do is do better in the future, which will make us feel better. To get a paycheck? Why do you want a paycheck? To look good. You want to look good because you think that'll make you feel better. Isn't that true?
See, the only reason we're communicating is we want to feel better. But you know what happens? We don't always communicate that. When we're communicating, meaning we have an upset, we have a challenge, and instead of saying, "I want to get out of this lousy feeling, I want to feel better," we say, "You screwed up! I want you to stop that!" Does that make you feel better? Sometimes, for a little bit, in the moment. But not long-term. You know, do sometimes we make ourselves feel better in the moment, but we do it in a way that makes us feel bad in the long term. Either we feel bad about ourselves, or it makes them treat us in a way that we'll probably feel bad later on. How many would agree?
So here's our goal in communicating from now on: to feel better, to make sure the people we're around feel better, and to produce the result so in the future, we feel better. Does that make sense? We don't want to just go on expressing our emotion. We don't want to say, "Well, I don't want to suppress, so I'm just going to load on you because I have a language pattern I learned in management." I can use. We're not going to endorse you on loading on anybody ever again.
What you're going to do is, before you talk to anybody else, if you're upset, you're going to find out, "What do I really need to feel better?" Would that be a useful thing to know before you started talking to somebody? Because if you know what you need to feel better, then you can ask for it in a way that's elegant. Because you're also going to find out not only what do you need, but how can I get my needs met in a way that supports my relationship with this person? Good question.
You know what the difference is in quality of people's lives? Quality of questions they ask. Some people ask, "Why does this always happen to me?" Other people say, "How can I make this work?" Other people say, "How can I make this work and enjoy it?" Who's going to have the most fun? Yeah, the third person. Plus, they're going to get it done. Some people say, "How can I get this done, enjoy it, and cause the other person to enjoy it?" They're asking a better question. Ask, and you shall what?
What we're going to do is ask better questions before we communicate and therefore change our entire lives. But first, we've got to know the purpose. I've got a question for you, though. Question is: Are you presently communicating in a way that really makes you feel better? Makes you feel good? Are you doing that consistently? Yes or no? Some of you, it's no. Some of you, probably, yes, right? Some of you, well, it's yes most of the time, but a few times, no. Where it's a no, what would we want to do? We want to know, "Hey, I've got to change the way I'm communicating so I feel better."
And the second question is: Maybe you are finding a way that makes you feel good, but that's not success. Real success is: Are you also communicating in a way that makes the other person feel good? Now, it doesn't always have to feel good the moment you say it. Sometimes feeling bad is okay for the moment. But in the long term, does that make the person feel good or bad? That's what we're really concerned with. We want to feel good. We want to make sure the other person feels good. This is our goal. Okay?
And if we're going to make that happen, we need to realize that communication works well except when we're stressed. The real time we've got to deal with our communication is not probably day-to-day. It's probably, well, unless day-to-day we're stressed, I should correct that. When we're stressed is when we usually screw up our communication. How many would agree with this?
So I have a question for you, and that's what I want you to write in your notes right now. I want you to be honest with yourself. How do you communicate when you're stressed? How do you communicate to people when you're stressed? And I want you to be specific. Listen carefully. I want you to write down all the ways you communicate verbally and non-verbally. Write this in your notes. You cannot not communicate.
How do we communicate not only with each other, but with anybody in the future if we have an upset? Because how many people are now clear that communication works really well until we get upset? How many would agree with that? For the most part. Okay. That's when all of a sudden it gets distorted.
So first of all, in your notes again, make a note: All upsets, all upsets, anytime you're feeling upset of any sort, is the result of the meaning you associate to an expectation. Other words, all upsets are a result of meaning you associate to expectations that are not met to somebody else. Okay? So all upsets are the result of the meaning you associate to something. You're associating your expectations are not being met because of someone else. Okay? Because of someone else.
So, for example, how many of you ever had an expectation that didn't get met, but you got over it a lot quicker, and you didn't really link it to anybody else? You're just like, "Well, I'm disappointed it didn't work out." How many of you remember a time like that? But other times, you've been upset, and you stayed upset. And usually, it's because you've anchored the upset as the reason you didn't get what you want is someone else. And when you think it's someone else, you tend to stay upset a little longer. Makes sense?
So we want to move beyond that. So to change your life, to change your communication, what you really got to do is change some of your belief systems about what can create upset in your life. You've got to change some beliefs about communication itself.
Did you go and change clothes on us? My gosh, you had a great lunch. Huh? Okay, that's right. This woman knows how to have lunch. Okay. So to change your life, follow this woman to lunch. No, to change your life, change your communication by changing your belief system.
So what I thought we might touch on are some core beliefs. Remember I said the other day, or this morning actually, the other day it felt like the other day, I said this morning that how we interpret things, the meaning we come up with, is based on what we focus on. But even what we focus on is usually based on some of our beliefs. And people that are successful are people who develop beliefs so that when the inevitable challenges happen, where people do things that, you know, don't meet your expectations, which is going to happen again, yes or no? Yes or no? Is it going to happen more than once? Yes or no? Yes, it's part of life.
So part of what you do is you begin to, like, share your expectations in advance and see if people can meet them, if they agree, if that works for them, instead of just expecting everybody to know what you expect. The other element, though, is if we can begin to adopt some belief systems that help us to interpret people's behaviors, then we'll have a lot less upset.
So let me offer you five or six core beliefs that people who seem to have great relationships seem to have in common. Beliefs about human beings and how human beings behave and how they communicate. And those beliefs are the following:
Number one, write down: People are not their behaviors. People are not their behaviors. We're not just merely our behaviors. If people do something, if somebody does something, that is not who they are. It's what they're doing in this moment. Now, if you need evidence to really believe this, just look at your own life. How many of you ever done something that really isn't you? You did something after you like, "I can't believe I did that. I can't believe I said that. That's not me." How many of you ever done this?
So when somebody does something, instead of going, "How could they do this to me?" or "That person did this, therefore they're a bad person," what you really want to do is say, "I don't agree with their behavior, but I still love the person." Same thing is true, by the way, in helping your children to make changes. If you want to be a great parent, you don't correct your child; you correct the behavior. It's very important that we separate behavior from who a person really is. Hopefully, we're a lot more than just what people notice physically about what we do. Hopefully, we're spiritual beings, right? That we're what we are is a lot more than what we demonstrate at times. We've got to remember that.
So when somebody does something, they're a bad person. They're not a bad person. They've got some bad behavior, and your interpretation of it, at least. People are not their behaviors, and get upset, get upset with the behavior. Separate behavior from people. So if I'm getting feedback to my kids, I can get real intense. I can come and say, "You know what? This does not work for me. What you just did there, that doesn't work. That behavior is totally unacceptable. You know, we've got clear agreements on that, and I love you, but I will not settle for that behavior, and I know that you're much better than this. So I need you to make this shift, or you won't do that." Okay? But I correct the behavior, not the person. Otherwise, you, my person, feels really beat up. You can separate the two clearly.
Second core belief: There is always, yes, always a positive intent behind all behavior. There is always a positive intent behind all behavior. Even behavior that looks negative, there's always a positive intent behind someone's behavior. So let's take the example of the lady here who was willing to share earlier when she said, "You know, this person, she's trying to communicate with this man, and she can't get through, and he does these different things." And none of us know the content of what he does, but he does certain things that really upset her. Obviously, I don't know what those are. But let's say he spoke harsh, or he will not get close to you. I'm saying there's a positive intent to him not getting close to her. Is that because she's a bad person? No. What I'm saying is his behavior is trying to do something good. And what it's trying to do is protect him from pain or give him some pleasure. And I would hallucinate, he's probably trying to protect him from some what? From some what? Pain. Pain. How many would agree? Probably guess, if we were going to hallucinate, that's probably it.
So the reality is, maybe he's been hurt before, or before he gave his heart and soul, and then that person left him, or before he did that, and it didn't work out, and he felt disappointed. What a lot of us do is to try and protect ourselves from pain. We do dumb things that make our life even more painful. So instead of making him wrong and saying, "He's such a shallow person, he doesn't commit, he's horrible," what you might say is, "God, I massively disagree with his behavior, and I wonder what the intent is in his subconscious mind. What is it this brain is trying to get him by being this way?" Right? Maybe it's trying to protect him. Maybe I need to show him he doesn't have to be protected by me, that I'm not going to hurt him. Does this make sense?
So what about somebody trying to commit suicide? Is there a positive intent there? Committing suicide? You better believe there is. That person's brain is saying, "You know something? Being dead would be less painful than being here." That's not true, but that's what they think in the moment, and that's why they try and actually commit suicide. Somebody holds up that gun. What's a positive intent? That person's intent is trying to survive. Now, it may not be affecting you positively, but there is a positive intent. And I'll tell you what, with friends, you want to assume that if your friend does anything, that there's a positive intent towards you as well, even though if you can't see it. Because if you assume that somebody has a positive intent, you expect that people tend to respond to that accordingly.
Third core belief around communication: People do the best they can with the resources they have. People always do the best they can with the resources they have. Doctors. It means if your staff's out there and they're not doing the job, instead of thrashing them, which most of you don't anyway, but instead of wanting to, you might want to stop and think to yourself, "This, this group of people, they're working their tail off for me. They're doing the best they can with the resources they have." Does that mean you can't talk to them about getting better? No. Just don't judge quite so quickly. You know, maybe there's some things going on you don't know. Maybe you're not aware of some of the stuff they're trying to deal with today. And vice versa. Staff, take a look at your doctor and realize, if your doctor's a little stressed right now, maybe he's doing the best he can with the resources he has. Maybe there's some stress in just keeping the practice together. You don't even know. And you don't have on your back that that doctor's trying to deal with right now. And right, maybe right now they're not treating as well as they could, or maybe they're not doing something the way you want them to have it done. Maybe there's something else going on there. Maybe they're doing the best they can in the moment with the resources they have.
Now, that doesn't mean stop there. It just means appreciate where people are. And below that, write down this: There are no unresourceful people. There are only unresourceful states. There are no unresourceful people. There are only unresourceful states.
So we've all had times when we weren't being very resourceful. Now, does that mean we're unresourceful people? No. We're probably just in a lousy state. Have you ever gone to lunch and had somebody gone into like a little restaurant or diner or something, and you walk into the place, and a waitress walks up and goes, "What do you want?" You've done nothing. How many of you had this wonderful experience? Now, when this happens, you probably think to yourself, "Oh, this person is doing the best they can with the resources they have, right?" Is that what you normally do? No. No.
I'll tell you what, I want your manager. Bring them here now. I'll tell you what I want. Or you think, "No tip. No tip." Yeah. Or better yet, a penny. A penny. A pen. Yeah, yeah. Do any of those things get you better service? Yes or no? Do they make you feel better? Yes or no? Maybe for a moment, right? Do they make you feel better about yourself? Yes or no? No.
See, the only way to help this person, not make them wrong, is this person a mean, evil, sinister person who hates other human beings? Yes or no? Maybe. But probably not. Probably what's happened is this person is not being very resourceful because they're not in a very resourceful what? State. What if you help them to change their state? You think they might treat you differently? Yes or no?
So, by the way, have you ever treated somebody in a not-so-great way because you weren't in a great state? Yes or no? Better believe it. So what you want to do is you want to have a little more compassion when somebody gets intense with you. Instead of reacting, which we all do at times, you want to stop for a second and say, "This person's doing the best they can with the resources they have. They don't have any resources right now because they're in a lousy state. Let me change their state."
So how could you do that? You can do it a zillion ways. Break their pattern. You know, they start to go like this, "Stuff. What do you want?" "I want to see your teeth." "What?" "Because I like smiles." Transformed completely out of their mind. They won't know what's going on at that point. Besides that, I'm a dentist, and if you don't treat me well, I'm coming with my drill. Is it safe? I'm a doctor. I want to take care of you. See, what you need to do is break their pattern.
Or somebody says, "Can I help you?" or "What do you want?" You say, "Nothing right now, because it's obvious they're overworked. Why don't you like, take everybody else's order first, and when you have time, come take mine?" What are they likely to do? They're going to go, "Oh, man, I'm sorry." And what, when people notice they've done something like this, if you treat them good, if you treat somebody else well, even though they treat you lousy, they'll remember that, won't they? It buys a lot, doesn't it? Because in the future, they'll remember, "You treated me well even when I treated you lousy." Whoa. And boy, people remember that too, in a relationship. They remember a lot.
So if you treat them well, they'll go, "Oh, I'm really sorry." What will they usually do? They'll probably tell you why they treated you lousy, and they'll talk about how they're in a lousy what? Usually state. Isn't that true? They'll say, "Well, I'm really sorry. It's not about you. It's just I had this fight with a cook, or these other people didn't tip me, or I'm really stressed out, or I got too many tables." Is that kind of things they say? Sure.
"I said, 'Let me take your order.'" And you say, "No, no, take everybody else's first, and when you have time, then take mine." "No, I really want to take your order." Okay. What kind of service you're going to get? What kind of service? Excellent. Excellent service. Because you broke their pattern. They're going to appreciate that. They're also going to appreciate you treated them well, even though you didn't have to.
You know what most of us has an easier time doing this with strangers than we do with people we work with or our friends? Because we hold our friends to a higher standard. Damn it, they should know. They should treat me well. Some stranger does it, yeah, big deal. It's just a stranger. Some stupid. Yeah, let him go. But you, you, you're my friend. I'm going to beat you to a pulp for being mean to me. Me? Verbal, verbalize you into the ground. Isn't that weird how we sometimes treat the people we love and care about much more harshly than we do some strangers? Because we hold the people around us to a higher standard. That's kind of unfair. And maybe we hold ourselves to a standard. Maybe what we need to do is have a high standard, but be a little flexible about moment to moment how people meet it. Maybe we need to judge people by that standard long-term instead of moment to moment. Because moment to moment, people get off track.
It's bottom line: People are not their behaviors. People do the best they can with the resources they have. There are no unresourceful people, only unresourceful states.
Next, number five: The meaning of communication is the response that you get. The meaning of communication is the response that you get. The meaning of communication is the response you get from someone. What the heck does this mean? Meaning communication is the response you get. Here's what it means: If I communicate to you and I say to you something like, "I love you," and you get angry about that, then who's responsible for the fact you're angry? Who? I am. She is. Who is? I don't know. And it doesn't really matter. In real life, the only person who's responsible for anything in my life is who? Me.
Now, that doesn't mean it doesn't make me feel bad. All I do is if I say, "I love you," and this person gets angry, then the meaning of that communication for this person is anger. If I say, "I love you," and this person gets confused, then the meaning of my communication to this person is confusion. If I say, "I love you," and this person feels love, then the meaning of my communication for this person is love.
Now, if I say, "I love you," and this person gets angry, should I go, "Oh no, I meant anger for this person"? Or, "Oh, I screwed up"? No. All I do is I go, "I love you," and I see anger. I go, "Wait a second. I need to change my approach because the meaning of my communication for this person, by the way, by the way I looked at them, by my gestures, by my tonality, that didn't create love for this person." So what do I need to do? Not make myself wrong. Not make them wrong. Go, "Oh, your stuff. I said I love you, you got peed off at me. That I can't deal with." Will that make the relationship better? Yes or no? Or what's really going on inside of you that makes you take love and convert it into all this kind of stuff? Will that make the relationship better? Yes or no?
Now, instead, if I say, "I love you," and you don't respond the way I want, instead of me feeling hurt or wrong, or making myself wrong, I'll try something else. I said, "You know, I said I love you. What I really mean is, I really deeply care about you." Now, if that doesn't work, then what would you do? What would you do? Try something else. And say, "You know, I'm going to keep doing this till I get through." That doesn't work. You try something else. Please. Don't you understand? If you're flexible, will you get through sooner or later? Yes or no? Yes.
But see, the key is, what most of us do in life is we say, "I love you," or "I need your help," or "Please help me." And if people don't respond, we get mad at them for not getting what we're communicating. What we've got to know is, if they don't get it, it's not a big deal. Don't make them wrong. If they get mad at us, don't get upset about it. Just change your approach. That's all you have to do.
So just remind yourself next time, "Hey, if somebody says, 'What you said upset me,' don't say, 'That wasn't upsetting.' It was upsetting to them. Don't make them wrong. Don't make you wrong. Say, 'Oh, that was upsetting. Let me try again. How about this? Does that work? How about this? How about this? How can we do this?'" Sooner or later, you'll find a way. But you've got to be flexible and not get hung up on the process.
And here's the last one. Next time you're really upset with somebody, and you know you're right, by the way, how many of you ever get to the point where, like, you know you're right? Anybody? You ever get, you know you're right? Then write this belief down. This one's helped me a lot to keep myself balanced throughout my life. And that belief is: No matter how thin you slice it, there are always two sides. No matter how thin you slice it, there are always two two sides.
So when I absolutely know I'm right, I say, "Yeah, I know. How thin I slice it, there's always two sides. I may not like that side. I may not agree with that side, but there are two sides." And I need to remember that. By hearing that, by having that experience, it creates a little more balance in our lives.
And the last belief is the one we talked about earlier, which is the major belief that we're going to talk about continuously in this idea of reality bridging, bridging our reality to somebody else's, is that in any communication, the human response is always either a what kind of response? Loving response. Or a what? Cry for help. In all communication, just remind yourself over and over again, is this, just ask yourself, is this a cry for help or is this a loving response? And if you say it doesn't fit in either one of those two categories, it does. You just got to broaden your view of it. Don't just look at it in the moment. Look at it in the context of the person's whole life. Look in the context of what's really going on. What's really happening here?
And again, I just a reminder, I put up here, and that reminder is: Most people respond or cry for help with what? Most people respond, if I cry for help and I'm real angry with you, "Hey, you make me mad!" What do most people respond by doing with...? What you guys must have eaten too much food. Stand up. Okay. Let me offer you a possibility. How many believe you get out of things what you put in them? Ah, good. How many believe that if you're level seven or below, you probably are not going to get as much as if you're eight or above? How many do agree that sometimes after lunch, one becomes sluggish? How many would agree that if you just sit and listen to me, you won't remember anywhere near as much as if you sit, listen, and take notes? And also, you won't get anywhere near as much as if you sit, listen, and take notes, and respond. I know you know the answers to these things. You know why I harass you and make you respond? So that by doing that, it makes you drive the thought deeper. It's like if all you do is hear it, it makes one little, little impression. If you hear it and you write it down, it makes a deeper impression. If you hear it, write it down, and you respond, a deeper impression. You hear it, write it down, respond with energy, your whole body is going, and the tape recorder inside you, the emotional recorder, will get you to really remember this stuff. I'm committed to having you not just know this stuff, but to have you actually remember and have it eventually affect how you behave. So in order to do that, you've got to have a lot more energy than you've got right now. So if it feels third grade when I'm asking a question, that's not the purpose. And if you did respond out loud, the other thing to do is keep your energy high. How many people are willing to absolutely do that? Keep your energy high and hold yourself to a higher standard after lunch, as high or higher than before lunch? Say hi. Great.
As I was beginning to say, a moment or two ago, most people respond to a cry for help with a what? Cry for help. Okay. You know what that looks like? What it looks like is kind of like this. Can I borrow you, sir? Come on up here on stage. Give a man. Yes, indeed. What a man, name again? Here's George.
So let's say George and I, we have different realities. We have different views about something. When people have different views, it's not really a problem until they actually begin to interact in close proximity. Because we have different ideas of reality, we may get a little stressed because his idea of reality may infringe on my idea, because I think my reality is here, this is my spot. He thinks his is over here. We've got a bit of a challenge. We call each other names. Okay?
So what happens? We need to bridge our reality. But if we don't, what happens? Let's say I kind of step on his toes accidentally. Okay? What does he probably do? He moves away. If I keep on doing it, what does he do? He says, "You're kind of big. I'm just going to keep moving away." Now, some people have a different strategy. That is, if you step on some people's toes, what will they do? They'll step back. Right? And so what happens? All of a sudden, you go, "Hey, you can't do that. This is how it is." And what do they do? Bring your fist out here. They do the same thing. And pretty soon, what happens is they're going, "This is how it is." And what does he do? "That's how it is." "This is how it is." And you know what's really scary? If you're in a close relationship and now you start doing this stuff and you start pushing harder and harder, if somebody slips, somebody's going to get hurt. And by the way, is that what happens in a relationship?
See, if we're out here and we do this, we try and push each other, yeah, no big deal. But if we're in here and we push each other, both of us are going, "Oh, man." Okay? And one slip, and we're probably both going to get hurt, right? Isn't that really what would happen? And when you work with somebody, it's like you're in here, right? And you have to deal with all the pressures and challenges and things that are going on.
So we want to make sure that if somebody comes up here and goes like this, what you want to do is, when they start to go like that, you go, "Oh, thanks a lot. That's really good. You..." Instead of, "Give me a hand." "Give me a hand." Thank you, sir. So when you see the fist go up, just know what it really is is a hand that you want to bring around and hug. See, that's really what we want to do metaphorically into communication. You go, "It's a cry for help. Nice to meet you. Come along here, right? This really feels good. You want a massage?" You know? See, that will change the whole communication.
So we don't want to respond to a cry for help with a cry for help. We want to turn that process around. But see, how do most people respond when we say cry for help? They don't just respond to a cry for help. They do a bunch of things. Fact, what most people do when they get upset? How do most people deal with upsets? Most people, honestly, sincerely, we get really upset. What do most people do? They retaliate. What else do they do? They what? Cry. They try to escape, try to leave, try to get even, take it out on somebody else. By the way, do any of these things really create what we want from communication? What do we want from all communications? Why are we communicating? In order to try and what? Feel better. Isn't that it? Feel good. That's why we're doing. Do those things really make you feel good? Maybe for a moment, but never for the long term.
So, in fact, what I found is most people destroy their lives by the way they communicate. Number one, to themselves, and number two, to other people. And I can tell you, the number one way to destroy a practice or to destroy a personal relationship or to destroy yourself is to communicate in the way that most people do in our society. That's why one out of every two people who get married end up divorced. Right? That's why we've got about 70% of our population that in the last 10 years has sought out, has gone out and gotten some kind of psychiatric health. 70% of the population, latest statistic. And you know, on a lot, that's why most people are doing drugs or alcohol, which is a drug, or smoking. It's all a way to try and make themselves feel better. And the reason they'll feel good is the way they're communicating to themselves and the way they communicate to other people, and then the retaliation and reactions that come out of it.
Fact, most people live what I call the cancer track. So if you like to get cancer, I'm now going to show you how to do it. It's very simple. Here is Step Number One: You get upset and you do what most people do in Step Number One. Cancer track. It's the way to destroy a practice, a relationship, and your life is how to do it. Take quick notes. So if you ever decide you want to destroy your life, you'll know exactly what to do.
Okay, Step Number One: Deal with upsets in the following way. Number one thing that most people do when their expectations aren't met, when they have this idea of how it's supposed to be and it doesn't work out, first thing people do: lay blame. That's the first thing they want to do. Because most people have this belief that says, "If I can find and make somebody else wrong about this, if it's not me, then I'll feel better." Not true. That's what most people believe. And most people lay blame. Number one, on other people immediately. "I got this pain. I'm going to get rid of this pain is I'm going to find a source for the pain, and it can't be me because that'll really make me even more upset. So it must be you. It was you because you did this, because you said that, because you do this to me. Here, you did this to me." Nobody does anything to you.
Now, some people don't lay blame on others. Lay blame on themselves. "Go, it's just me again. Here I am. I did it to myself all over again. I can't even believe it." It's blame, blame, blame, blame, blame. Does blame make anything better? Yes or no? No. You don't go around re-blaming the rest of your life, trying to find somebody else to blame for what's going on. It's like, "This one didn't work. I'll blame this person." And by the way, some people don't blame themselves or others. They blame situations and circumstances. We call that telling a story, right? "It would have worked out except this thing here, because of that, it didn't work out." So now I can feel good because I've got something else to blame, and it couldn't have been me.
The truth is, as long as you're blaming somebody else, you're not responsible. As long as you're not responsible, some people think the word responsible is like this big weight. Remember, responsible means responsible until you're willing to say, "Hey, I'm in charge." You can't take charge as long as something on the outside can control you. You're always going to feel like you're at the effect of your life, never in charge, and you'll never be happy, plus you won't have any self-esteem.
So if you want to destroy your life, first thing to do is lay blame. If you find yourself laying blame, first thing you want to do is get out of it. Say, "Hey, that's cancer track. I'm out of here. This is not what I'm about. This is the way to destroy and eat away at a relationship, a practice, and my life." And by the way, does laying blame lead to more intense negative emotions? Oh, yes.
Second step: Soon as somebody starts to lay blame, what they immediately try to do is justify their feelings and complain to others. Most people immediately after they lay blame, they don't just lay blame in their head, they want to share this blame with other people. And the reason they want to complain to other people is they want to be able to justify the reason they're feeling this way. And what most people do when they're justifying and complaining is they're seeking agreement from other people who also do not have their expectations met. And what's your chance of finding other human beings out there who've not had their expectations met? What's the chance? 100%. And what's your chance of finding other people who expected something and are more than willing to find somebody else to blame on why they can't meet their expectations? 100%.
Because see, most people think, "Okay, boy, if I can not only lay blame, but I can get other people to agree with me, then I'm right." And if I'm right, that'll make me feel better. Does being right really make you feel better? Does it? Yes or no? No. You think it will. It doesn't. And you know what? I don't care what it is you want to argue about. You can find somebody to agree with your side. You can find somebody else, especially if it's like how you've been wounded or taken advantage of. Because most people in our society want to be victims. And the reason they want to be victims is they're in a position where they want to say, "Well, it's not my fault." You don't have to make it anybody's fault. Maybe there's no fault. Maybe there's no blame. Maybe what you just need to do is figure out what do you want to do. Maybe instead of going, "The fault, I'm I'm ramming into this wall, and now I should do is figure out why it's because that gosh darn guy over there didn't tell me to turn sooner, or it's because that I didn't take care of my brakes enough." I can do that all day long, but I'm still crashing. Or I can just, I don't have to lay any blame. Just go, "What do I want? Where do I want to go? What direction do I want?" And it's feet looking there, and everything will go there. Maybe you don't have to lay blame at all. Maybe you don't have to justify at all. Maybe you hit the wall. You need to do is instead of sitting in the wall going, "Whose fault is this?" is go, "Where do I want to go?" Because the longer I'm sitting here going, "Whose fault is this?" I'm losing time. I'm not going to win this race if I sit here and try and find someone, point the finger at. What I've got to do is point the finger in the direction I want to go. Whole different game.
So most people are out there justifying and complaining, and what they do is they begin to do what we call subgrouping, right? We all know what that is, or a good number of us. What is subgrouping? Subgrouping is when you have an upset and you share it with someone who doesn't have anything to do with it. Now you go to somebody else who can do nothing about it, and you tell them how upset you are. So you come along and you go, "Tony, Barbara, man, you know what? Every time I get around her, she does this. I mean, you know, did you ever notice that? You ever notice that when she walks in the office and stuff, you know, she gives you that look? Do you ever notice that? Or you ask her to do something, she doesn't follow through. Doesn't that just piss you off?" "Pisses me off." And before Tony never thought about it, but he goes, "Yeah, you're right. I remember a time when she did that."
See, what you do when you give information to other people like that is you become a cancer. Because now you're taking your pain, you're multiplying it through others. You're taking the destructive force inside yourself because you haven't been able to manage your own expectations, or because somebody promised you something and then they didn't deliver, then go talk to them. Don't go talk to somebody else and then destroy that person's credibility, which is only your perception anyway. And by the way, maybe you find somebody else in an upset state. They're frustrated. Now what you've done is you managed to amplify that for them, or you managed to get them to feel the same way you do, or they already on the edge of feeling that way. Now you just shore them up and gave them a good reason to do that because they can say, "Yeah, we all agree."
See, if you want to destroy an organization, want to destroy your family, do this in a family. Or how many of you, for example, have ever had somebody gossip about you? Ever had somebody gossip about you? How does that feel? Lousy. How does it feel? Yeah. Think about it. How many of you who just raised your hand have gossiped about other people? I guess you weren't thinking very much about how it would feel for them, were you? Now, you and I are better than that, right? But we've all been guilty. We don't want to be guilty anymore. We want to catch ourselves and stop that. Because that is a cancer. I'm using that word very strongly. It is a cancer. And like a cancer, starts multiplying like crazy.
If you're going to have a healthy practice, you've got to make sure that the bloodstream, meaning all of us who work together in that practice, are really taking care of each other. We're not subdividing, we're not subgrouping, and us three are going to talk about how terrible Cindy is. You've got an upset, you want to go to the source and communicate it clearly and in a way that's elegant. And before you even do that, maybe you've got to figure out if your evaluation is really absolutely accurate, or if maybe you got really uptight, or you're in state, or maybe there's another meaning you haven't even thought of. Maybe you've got to do that.
And if somebody comes to you and tries to subgroup with you and says, "You know, so-and-so and so-and-so," what I would do with that person is I'd say, "I suggest you go talk to that person." But I suggest first you think if there's any other possibility, because, you know what? It sounds like what you said is true, but maybe it's possible something else is going on. You don't know. But if I were you, I'm not going to talk to you about that. Go talk to that person. But before you go make them wrong, I think about what do you really want, and how can you get what you want in a way that supports them too? It's year-round. And by the way, if you want to come subgroup with me, it ain't going to happen because I don't let cancers fester in my life, and I certainly don't contribute to them.
Third major thing people do: resent and brew. First, they lay blame, then they complain and justify, and try and find somebody else to back them up. And then they resent and brew. What do they do? They feed on their focus of the worst possible meaning about that person, and they talk more about it, or they just think about it. They get more matter and matter and matter, like watching a movie over and over and over again, or listening to a record over and over and over again, until you've had it with the record. Until finally, what most people do at that point is then they go confront. They go, "Hey, listen, I don't resent, I don't keep it inside, I confront people." Great, you confront people, and that makes it better. I tell the truth. "Truth is, you're a scumbag, and I'm just going to tell you to face. Not like all these other people talking behind your back." Does that make it better? Yes or no? No. No, it doesn't make it better. And you get to feel good because you go, "Hey, I'm not hiding my feelings, I'm being straight about my feelings." Yeah, you're being straight and stupid, right? You're going out there and you're not managing your emotions at all. What you're doing is venting on somebody else because you don't have enough intelligence to manage your own estate. I'm being harsh. So you remember this: you don't want to do this to yourself. You're better than this. And most of you don't.
But you know what some people do is after going through all this stuff and then confronting, uh, they don't end there. They give up after a while and seek revenge. They give up trying to get the person to change. And you know what they usually say if you talk to them about it? "Hey, I've tried everything I can. I've confronted him, and it didn't work." No kidding. And you couldn't have figured that out before you started? If you came up and tried to make somebody wrong and tell them how terrible they are and how you want them to change, and you didn't give them anything in return, and they didn't change, and you're really surprised, right? See, but what they say is they use that as an excuse, and they just give up and they seek revenge. Now, they don't always do it deliberately. They do it unconsciously, don't they? They suppress their feelings, go, "It's not even worth talking about. It's too much hassle, too much whatever." And then all of a sudden, the person wants something, and they conveniently forget it. Not consciously, just somehow forgot it, you know? Or they don't try as hard, or they don't give 100%, or they withhold a little bit of the emotion. It's kind of like a way of like grabbing that person's heart and squeezing it real good. How many have ever seen other people do this? I know you've never done it. How many have seen other people do this? Yeah. So I had a feeling that may be true.
So what we want to do is remember something. Write this in your notes real big: All communication either builds or destroys. Every communication you make is either building your relationship, building this person up, or destroying the relationship. You're either climbing or you're sliding, growing or you're dying. There's no point in between, there's no plateaus when it comes to communication. So what you need to ask yourself before you communicate to somebody is, "Is this communication going to build my relationship or destroy/denigrate my relationship?" And you want to make sure you don't fall into this category. If you catch somebody doing these things, if you're a friend, you've got to pull them aside and say, "Hey, I love you. You, you can't do this." Because who do you think this hurts the most when you do these five things? Who? Yeah, yourself.
By the way, do real physical cancers come from taking an emotion like anger and resentment and hanging on to it for years? Have they documented that emotional response? Yes or no? There's a lot of it out there now. So when I say cancer, I'm not talking about just metaphorically. I'm talking, it also could be physical.
What's the alternative? The alternative is to never get in this place. And the way you need to never get in this place in the first place is you don't allow yourself to gossip. You don't allow yourself to do any of these things. But you also, inside your head, you make a decision that you're not going to participate in that kind of communication, period. It's like, how many of you have certain things in your life you would never do? There's just no question, you just would never do it. You got something like that? How come you'd never do it? What's something you would never do? Raise your hand. Tell me. What's something you would never do?
"Jump out of an airplane." Okay. Why not? "Because he doesn't need to do that." Because he also associates a lot of what would come from that, probably pain. Somebody else? What's something you would never do? Never? "Illegal drugs." Never do illegal drugs. "Just legal ones." Okay. But I never do those illegal ones. Okay. Why not? Why not? "Because it's illegal." Okay. It's also unlawful, right? So the bottom line, she thinks if she would do something illegal, she would lose a lot of self-esteem. It'd be a lot of, what for her again, pain. Somebody else? What's something you would never do? You'd never do it? "Kill someone." Why not? You've threatened to, haven't you, in the past? You didn't give that, you didn't give that life, you can't take it away. And if you were to kill someone, what would that do to you? That would would make her sin, make her have feel this pain. So you have to get to the point where you say, "I'm just not going to do those things." And if I catch myself doing that, it's just not who I am.
How many would agree that laying blame, that putting yourself in a position of trying to justify and complain to other people, and trying to seek their approval or their acknowledgement or their making you right, going out there and resenting, confronting, and then just giving up? How would you agree that those approaches are destructive to your life as well as anybody you'd be in relationship with? How many agree it's something you really cannot do if you want to have a healthy lifestyle? That what you've got to do is make a decision. When you make a decision, remember what the word means. Decisions like incision, Latin *decidere*, comes from to cut off from. When you decide, you cut off any other possibility. You've got to know what the price is if you don't do this and be aware of it. If you're real clear about that, you won't do it anymore. As long as you have an alternative, and if you have a way to deal with things quickly.
And here's what the alternative is. The alternative is: build a bridge. An emotional connection between yourself and the people that you're around. You want to build the reality bridge. In other words, a way to bridge through any problem that ever comes up between you and another person. Let me explain what I mean by this. I have the good fortune, I can tell you, of having a large number of incredible friends. And those friends and I have gone through all kinds of things together, stressful things, but the friendships have been constant, no matter what. How many of you have a similar set of friends like this?
Great question. Is it true if I were to say about those friends you just thought of that nothing, virtually anything, could ever really mess up your relationship in the long term with this person? How many agree with that? It would take, I mean, I don't know what it would take. I don't know what it could happen. I mean, it's just the bottom line is we've decided to have this connection. And you know how I do it, and I don't know how you do it, but I bring it to your attention. As I decide who somebody is in their heart, once I know who that person is, I never again question their intent. Never. I may get upset with their behavior, but never their intent. I always know that they care about me. I don't, don't ever go, "They did that, that must mean they don't love me, or they don't respect me, they don't, whatever." I mean, they just do that, and that annoys me, and I need to communicate that. Or if somebody may say, "This person said this and this about you, Tony." It's my friend. You know, my first response is, since I have a bridge with them, I know who this person is. It's not true. They're someone here is distorting this, or they're deleting it, or they may not have any negative content, they may have no negative intent. But the person is telling me this doesn't know the whole story. They couldn't, because that's my friend. I know who they are. Or even if my friend did say this, the bottom line, they just must be stressed out of their mind. That's not how they really feel. Well, I don't appreciate it. I still love them because I know who they are. We're connected. We have a bridge between us. If I ever get off track, all I do is clear the path to the bridge, and we can really connect again. That's the bottom line.
So once I know, I know who my partners are here. I know who Dr. Gary is here. Something happens with Dr. Gary. I can hear an upset about that, and I just come right back to where I am with Dr. Gary because I know who he is personally. I know he cares about me. I know who he is as a person. I know he's a good person. I know he loves me. I love him. So boom, we can be right back there in a heartbeat. All I've got to do is choose. I never do anything that would ever cut the bridge. And I'll tell you what cuts the bridge: when you question somebody's intent. You don't ever want to question the intent. Once you've decided. Now, upfront, you've got to decide. I agree, some people, maybe some people you don't want to be in a relationship with. You have to be in a relationship with everybody? Yes or no? No. So, but once you decide that you're going to work with somebody, for example, they're part of my family, my metaphor for my business, it's my family. So if you're going to be part of my family, I've got to build a bridge with you and know who you really are. So I'm going to do whatever it takes to find out who you are, ask questions, get to know you, do things with you, see how you are. But once I decide, I don't ever question again. That's it.
Okay, that is the most important thing you can do to make a relationship last. You've got to make a decision about somebody is, and never question it. Because you know what? If you question anything, you'll doubt it. How many have ever doubted yourself? How do you doubt yourself? Start to question. Start to say, "Well, gosh, what if I fail? What if this doesn't work? What if that doesn't work? What if I try this and it doesn't happen? Oh my gosh, what am I going to do?" That's how you doubt yourself. How do you doubt another person? Start going, "Maybe they really don't love me, or maybe they really don't care about me, or maybe they're doing that just to make money off me, or maybe they're doing that thing because, you know, because I'm paying them to do it, they don't care." When you start asking those kind of questions, what you should hear is the cancer rattle. What you're starting to do is destroy what it is that you've created. You cannot do that.
But you know what you say, "But I don't have that bond yet with somebody." Great. How do you create a bond with somebody? Do you have to go through, you know, 24 years of experience to have that? No. You have to just decide you're going to trust that person. By the way, that may be the ultimate gift. As you say, "You know something? I don't know everything about this person, but I know enough about this person, and I believe enough in people as a whole, that I know who this person is. I trust this person, and I'm going to build a bridge with them that's going to be there for a lifetime." They could go and not work with me anymore. They could go off and do something else. They could do something that was really weird or terrible, but they'd still be my friend. That's just how it's going to be.
How many clearly have friends like this, then you know how to do it? What I want you to do is accelerate the process. And the way we're going to do that in accelerating the process is we're going to make a neat little connection. Have you try something? Ah, I have it over here. I'm going to have you do an exercise with each other. Now, to do this exercise, you have to be willing to stretch yourself a little bit. What I mean by stretch yourself is you've got to do some things that may feel a little bit uncomfortable at first. But if you do something that's a little uncomfortable at first, you grow. And tell me a time you were happy in your life when you weren't growing. Doesn't happen. The only time we're really happy is when we push ourselves, when we expand, we go beyond where we were before. So it might be a little bit uncomfortable. What it's going to probably be for most of you is incredibly pleasurable.
In a moment, I'm going to have you stand up, and we're going to take some time, and you're going to go up to each member of your team, each one of you. You'll seek each other out. You're going to walk up to that person, and we're going to do a demonstration where you're going to go up to that person, and you're going to say, "The beauty I see in you as a person is, you're a person who..." and you look them in the eye with your hands on their heart. And you're going to give them honest, sincere feeling. Now, in order to do this, you're going to have to ask some new questions to yourself, like, "What beauty do I see in them?" You may not have asked that question in a long time, right? Is that true? So if you do that, by the way, if you ask, you'll get answers. What's great about this person? What do I love about this person? Who is this person really? What are the gifts I see in this person? Okay, the beauty I see in this person, when I'm seeing them as who they really are at the highest level, not what I'm stressed, not when I don't care, or not when I don't take the time to even get to know them.
By the way, intuitively, do you know a lot about people? Intuitively? Yes or no? How many found by that last process, you know a lot about each other that maybe you never thought you knew, right? So what we're going to have you do is you're going to come up to that person, do that, and then after you've told them all the beauty you see in them as a person, you're going to say, "And I want you to know, I want to be blank for you. I want to be your friend. I want to be somebody you can count on. I want to be this." What are you going to do in this process? If you do it sincerely, you're going to build that bridge, and you're going to decide in that connection who this person really is. You're going to remember that, and you're going to say, "You know, this one, I'm always going to come back to. I may get stressed because they didn't do what I wanted quick enough, but I know who they are as a person. So I can get their help in getting back to what we need as a business. But here we are as people, connected."
How many be willing to really go for this and make this work? Okay. It's going to require you stay focused. It's going to require that you don't wander off or go, "Oh my God, what if I don't say the right thing?" or "Well, I don't really know him." It's going to require that you become a little bigger. If you've been upset with somebody in the past, it's going to require that you see the best in people. Remember what I said earlier? You get what you look for. If you want to find something wrong, you'll find it. If you want to find beauty, you'll find it. Stand there in front of them, you find it. Trust your intuition. Whatever comes up, you can say, say what's in your heart, or say whatever you can think.
Okay, so here's what we're going to do. Let's do a demonstration. Can I have, uh, can I have one of my partners up here? Yeah. Why don't you guys come up? Doctor, which doctor? Dr. Paul Bass. Give him a hand. Yes, indeed. Oh, give him an ovation, he deserves it.
[Applause] [Applause]
So here's how it works. We'll do a quick demo for you. So what you're going to do is you find somebody that you work with, you have a relationship with, and you're going to do is you're going to walk up to them with your hand on your heart. You walk up and you'll touch their heart and you look them in the eye. Yeah, a little connection, because where should the bridge be connected? At the heart. So start here, here, and build a bridge. From the moment you take it here, come around, across, touch their heart, look them in the eye and say, "Paul, the beauty I see in you is a person who truly does love human beings at the deepest level. The beauty I see in you as a man who'll do whatever it takes to support other human beings. Beauty I see in you is a man who has the gift of being able to expand his vision constantly. Beauty I see in you as a man whose heart is just beating right out of his chest. I see the beauty of health thriving through your bloodstream. The beauty I see in you is someone who persists until... The beauty I see in you and the gift I see in you is the gift of someone who can laugh at the tough things and be sincere. Beauty I see in you is integrity. The beauty I see in you is a great father. Beauty I see in you as a great husband. Beauty I see in you is, um, just a multi-dimensional man who is constantly, I mean constantly growing. I see the beauty of growth in you every day I meet you. Beauty I see in you is a man who has tremendous humility. A good, very, very easily be a person who has an ego out of control, but who always balances that out, feels proud of who he is and deserves to, but doesn't have an ego that's even slightly out of control. One of the most balanced people in that area I know. Beauty I see in you is, um, a human being that I know I can count on, no matter what. Beauty I see in you is loyalty, and I see it in the way that you treat all your friends and all your clients. Beauty I see in you is magic, somebody who can get that sparkle in his eye and know, "Oh man, he's up to something in there." Beauty I see in you as someone who appreciates life and people and ideas and the opportunity to make a difference. Thanks. Beauty I see in you is someone who I know that I could be apart from for any period of time, but the moment I see you, it's like we're never apart. Be I seeing you is a joyous person, and to me, that's a role model for everyone. Be I seeing you is a tireless warrior, it just keeps going out there and doing whatever it takes. And the beauty I see in you is, um, just love, my deepest kind, and privileged to be your friend as well."
And briefly tell them what you want to be for him. So, Paul, what I want to be for you is I want to be somebody you can count on, somebody that'll always be there for you, support you. I want to be for you somebody who'll challenge you because I know you appreciate that. I want to be for you somebody that, um, if you ever just need somebody to talk to, I'm there. I got that too. I want to be somebody for you who can, um, be a role model for you, not because he's better, but in some areas, and somebody who can be your student also. I want to be for you somebody that, um, can make you have even more fun. Great. I want to be for you somebody who's going to keep you balanced. I want to be for you somebody that, um, oh, about 60 years from now, you can sit next to a rocking chair and say, "Remember that seminar we put our hands into the chest?" That stuff. Most of all, I want to be your friend.
[Applause]
Tony, the gifts that I see in you are a tireless commitment to people. The gifts that I see in you are giving of yourself every moment of every day when most people sack out, give up, say it's good enough. The gifts I see in you are that your commitment to people is more massive than anyone could ever imagine who hasn't had the privilege of spending time with you. The gift I see in you is massive, massive love for people. The gift I see in you as a, as a talent to be able to transform people's lives, to make a difference for them like no other person I have ever had the privilege to meet. Want you to know I love you deeply. Thank you.
[Applause]
Antonio, what I intend to be for you is a tireless partner. What I intend to be for you is a person who, in one of the entities that you're involved with, keeps you moving even more rapidly than you can imagine at this point. What I want to be for you as a person who sources one of your activities to move out and actually impact healthcare throughout the world, and that will happen. You're right. Love you. Love you.
[Music]