Transcription
foreign. I'm just not kind to him, and I don't know how to stop because I don't see that I'm doing it until after I've done it. Husbands across the country are cheering as they're listening to this.
[Music]
What's up? What's up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. Show where we talk about your marriage, or your mental health, or boundaries, hard decisions you've got to make, dealing with kids, whatever's going on in your life when it comes to your relationships, your mental health, to what's going on with your kids' schools. All we've entered into this vortex where there's experts on every corner yelling and screaming. Very few people are telling the truth anymore, and there's just so much chaos and so much noise. And I spent the first, I don't know, a long time, I tried to disappear from the internet. I didn't want to participate in any of this. I wanted out. And I had a counseling professor who put her finger in my chest and she said, "You don't get to do that. You don't get to walk away. You got to get involved." And I didn't know involvement was going to be hosting a podcast and doing everything on the internet, but here we are. Um, and with the YouTube show, all of it. So, there's my promise. I'm gonna cut through the noise. I'm gonna sit with you, and we're gonna figure it out. What, whatever's going on in your life, and we're gonna get you to the help that you need, or help you to the next right step. If you want to be on the show, give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291. It's 1-844-693-3291, or go to JohnDeloney.com. Ask. And pre-sale for Building a Non-Anxious Life is live. I'm super hyped about this book. Um, do you see the seat up there? I'm gonna see if Nate Dogg can can point up to it for the YouTube gang. It's up there. You can see it. Um, look at that. Look at that fancy book. Where'd it go, Nate Dogg? That was some, that was some caramel work right there. Hey, um, I was talking to our team this morning. We have about a thousand people to work here at the company. And I was talking to the team this morning. I just let them know, hey, this, this book, um, this book broke me. This book, um, caused me to look in the mirror in the way that I haven't, um, ever, and to say some things out loud with a therapist and with my, with my people that I care about and love, that I've never said before. And, um, to really dig into, what's the idea? What, what about doing here? And more importantly, what does a non-anxious life look like? What's the point? And, um, it's been a transformative year, to say the least. Um, and from everything from physiological metrics to heart rate metrics to my daughter that I can't get from hugging me anymore, which is just making me smile right now. Um, to a better marriage, to just all everything. Everything. Every aspect is everything perfect? Absolutely not. Are things coming sideways? Yes. Have I been pissed off? Yes. And I'm not anxious about it. I'm not chronically stressed about it. I'm not burned out. Check this book out. 20 bucks. Building a Non-Anxious Life. It comes with some stuff, and we're gonna keep add stuff as we go. But go to JohnDeloney.com and check it out. Hey, before we go to the call, Kelly, top five, dude. I know. Look at us. Ah, no. The Little Engine That Could. We're like, legit. All these 17 listeners, man. They are refreshing like a bunch of games. God bless the 17. The OG 17. We, uh, the, the rankings came out the other day, and we're number four. Um, and it's pretty exciting stuff, man. We're pretty hyped. Uh, four in, uh, was health and fitness. I don't know what the categories are, but pretty exciting stuff, dude. It's awesome. Um, that's all I'll say about that. Oh, and hey, and my friend Sean Ryan, his show went to number two on the big boy list. It's like Rogan and the Sean Ryan Show. And he's guy down the street from me. I'm super proud of him. The former Navy SEAL. And, uh, he's just, he's, he's doing an amazing job with his show too. All right, let's go out to, um, Danny in Los Angeles, California. What's up, Danny?
All right. Yeah, I'm all right. I'm just super nervous. And then I listen to your show and people were like, "I'm so nervous." And I'm like, "Oh my gosh, get over it." And now I'm super nervous. Hey, well, now you've made me nervous. Now this whole thing's just gonna be a jittery. No, it's all good. What's up? What's up? I just wrote to you because, um, I don't know, I'm like a horrible wife. And I don't want to be a horrible wife. And I try not to be a horrible wife. And it's like, I don't realize I'm being a horrible wife. So I've already like done it. And, um, yeah, I just could use some insight about that.
Tell me how you're a horrible wife. Like, um, I'm just like super dismissive of my husband. And I speak to him like really, like cold. And like, I don't know, I'm just not kind to him. And I don't, I don't know why. Like, how can I say it? Like, I don't know. I'm just not kind to him. Like, I'm very, like, short with him. And I don't have a lot of patience. And even when he's like playful, like I'll think in my mind, like, you know, react, be playful as well. And then instead, I'll be like, rude. And then I won't even see that I'm being like, rude to him until hindsight. I'm like, "Oh crap, that was like really mean." And sometimes I even like cry and like apologize to him, you know? And, you know, he accepts my apology. We've been like friends for literally 18 years. But I feel like it's beating him down. He literally has like some gray hairs now. And then I feel guilty. Like, those are my gray hairs, you know? Like, I did that. And, um, I don't know. I just don't want to be that person. I feel like I'm sabotaging my marriage, like literally. And then I don't know how to stop because I don't see that I'm doing it until after I've done it.
Number one, dude. I, husbands across the country are cheering as they're listening to this. Um, and here's why. Here's why. After 18 years, it's hard to look in the mirror and say, "Oh, dude, what if I'm the problem?" Right? Like, what if I'm contributing something significant to this? So, dude, high five to you. Way to go, Danny. Um, so, and let's be honest, um, you and I could dig into your backstory for a while. That's hard to say out loud, what you just said, isn't it? How about that?
Yeah, exactly.
So often, when somebody walks me through a story like you just did, there are some deep, deep roots in that type of response. Either you grew up in an abusive situation, or a chaotic situation, or a situation where you had to run the show in some, or you were asked to run the show. Tell me about growing up. What was it like?
Well, that's crazy that you said about running the show because that's, I feel like I have to keep everything together. Um, because, okay, so my dad was an alcoholic. Like, R.I.P. Um, but, yeah, he was. And I don't know, my mom was just like, really, like passive about it. She didn't really stop him from being chaotic. Like, he wasn't like physically or abusive like that, but people like rage out and just kind of just cause a really hostile home environment. And my mom was like, really positive. She was just like, "Quote unquote, keeping the peace."
But listen, you are not gonna, you were not gonna be her. Just, just die, right? You're not going to be her.
Right. But not even, not even just die. Just like, how could you let someone like be crazy like that, you know? And so as a kid, I would like, literally go like, toe-to-toe with my dad. Like, he never like hit me or anything crazy, but I'd be like the one arguing. Like, "Hey, like, you can't be screaming like that." Like, I would literally like be a little girl like telling my dad, like, "Cool it." Like, you know, because he would bring all that negative energy into the whole. And then my mom would be like, "No, go to your room. We have to keep the peace." And it's like, bro, there's still.
Listen to her. Listen to me, dude. Sorry.
No, no. Don't be sorry. I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm proud of you and I'm heartbroken for you because I got a seven-year-old little girl right now, and I'm just picturing her having to stand up to me, and it breaks my heart because that wasn't your job, man. That was your dad's job. That was your mom's job. And at the same time, when you have that little girl fighting, there's also a huge part of that little girl's heart wondering, "What is so bad about me and Mom that you have to be like this?" Or when Dad's seven beers in and he's sitting on the couch and he's right there, but he's not present, and you're wondering where he is, kind of like a dad staring at a cell phone. And I want you to internalize what I'm about to tell you. Your nervous system, this is a part of your wiring, has equated love with that man. As a fight. And so when you lean into love, your husband, your body has one path that it follows, and that is fight. That is war. And you can tell yourself, "I'm entering into a space of love with a guy that I love, the guy that treats me right, the guy that shows up, he's goofball, of course, but man, he's awesome." And you get right at him, and then war begins. Am I onto something?
Yeah, yeah, for sure.
So, what you're gonna have to decide to do, and it's nothing short of completely changing how you interact with the world. Sometimes on the show, I tell people, like, "Man, this is as simple as you guys got to do this and this," and then it's, you can clear this thing up, whatever this thing is for you. Danny, this is going to be a radical change of how you interact with yourself and how you interact with the world. And here's what's scary about what I'm asking you to do. This is what kept you alive as a kid. This is what kept your house safe. And I'm asking you to put the sword and the shield down, and you're gonna feel totally exposed. And it's gonna feel terrifying. It's gonna feel scary because the only way your body knows safe is war. But you said it perfectly, and you said something powerful, but I want to, I want to one-up you. Is that cool?
Oh, of course.
You said you've been with this guy for 18 years. At this point, he's a part of you, right? Your heart's beat together, your lungs breathe together. Y'all are, y'all are together. And he knows you and he loves you. He loves how fire you are. He loves all that. And you said, "I feel like I'm beating him down." Can I one-up you on that? I feel like you're drowning, my friend. Danny, I think you're tired of this too. Is that fair?
Extremely.
So, I'm gonna tell you something crazy. Okay? Um, our childhoods were different. My dad was an alcoholic, but I did have some, a lot of chaos, and I did have some, some heavy things. Only recently, within the past year, have I done some work with a counselor who knew what they were doing. That my body has stopped fighting everything. I'm a pretty peaceful guy. I laugh all the time. Just a goofball. I'm late to everything. Just kind of like making my way through the world, right? But I didn't know that my body was going and churning and fighting all the time. All of the time. And I track my heart rate. My heart rate variability has escalated significantly. My heart's beats per minute have gone down. That's a body that is no longer at war. Can I, can I spin the machine up if I have to? You damn right I can. But I don't have to. Are you in on that?
Yes, for sure.
Danny, I fall asleep with no medicine. I just fall asleep because I'm tired at night. My wife and I went on a long, long vacation recently, and a couple days in, we had the obligatory fight. And then I was like, "I just want to go home." But I'm already here. And we worked it out. And we had an amazing vacation. Can you imagine that?
Yeah. I, I can. I thought I did my own way a lot.
But why? What does that get you? It gets you nothing. Just like shame. I'm trying. Like, that's right. But listen, that seven-year-old little Danny had to get her way, or somebody got hurt. And so it's not wrong that your body's wired for that. But the thing that kept you alive as a kid is going to destroy everything as an adult. I'm gonna do a couple of things for you, okay? Number one, I'm gonna send you, free of charge, um, both of my books, Own Your Past, Change Your Future, and I'm gonna send you my brand new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, okay? But you got to promise me you'll actually read them. And I'll send you the audiobooks too. Um, that way, if you're not a reader, you can just put them in your headphones and listen.
Oh, I love.
But you gotta work through the exercises in the back, okay? At the end of each chapter. That's number one. Number two, you have to get a, some sort of cheap journal. Okay? Go to Walmart and get one. Go to Walgreens and get one. Get a really fancy one off the internet. I don't care. But what you have to begin doing in real time is you have to begin challenging those thoughts. "I have to." Whenever you say the words, "I have to," or "I have to keep it all together," ask yourself, "Or what?" Or what happens? We're five minutes late. We missed the first quarter. Is that worth my marriage? Or we, the burger place that we want to eat is full, and so we gotta go get chicken. I mean, is that, is that it? And so every time you think to yourself, "I have to," I want you to stop. It's gonna take, it'll be an annoying 30 to 60 days doing this. You're gonna catch yourself. You're gonna be stunned at how awful you talk to Danny because you're mean to her, aren't you? You gotta stop. So, I want you to reframe this sucker as, "I'm not trying to not be a horrible wife. I'm trying to build a life that is at peace so that I can love this goofball with all the love that he's worth." Right?
Yes, most definitely.
And like, I don't want to show that to my kids. I'm so blessed to be talking to you because, like, my kids are super, super little. And, um, I'm hoping that, you know, I can get it together before it can cause like an issue like in my family.
So let me, let me tell you this. I've talked about this on the show a lot, but I'm gonna tell you just personally, okay? And then I'm gonna let you go and hang on the line and I want you to, uh, where to get these books sent out to you. Um, I'm an amazing savant. Um, and I understand that because I'm a parent. I'm saying that because I've been an educator for a long time. I got a really savant, brilliant little girl. She's seven. And I've got a son who's humongous. He's very, very tall for his age. And my daughter's very small. And, you know, this as well as I do, that hugs from your kid are healing. They're therapeutic, right? And my daughter, it was really when I would pick her up, she would get real rigid. This is when she's five or six. We're having full conversations, laughing, going fishing together, but I would try to hug her. She would duck and move and bob and weave. She had a whole system. And I thought something was wrong with me. I thought something was wrong with her. I thought something, I didn't know what the deal was. It's so weird. My son will hug anytime. He's super, super into hugging. And then my wife mentioned it. My counselor mentioned it. I did some reading. My daughter's body had recognized, "I'm not safe." There's some sort of internal churn, internal reactor. It's hot. I never scream in my house. I don't swear in my house. I don't hit anybody in my house. But my daughter could feel her tiny little body could sense that guy's not safe. And I want to tell you, you probably have one of, you've got several kids. You got one of them that's like that, and you got one of them that is super, super clingy. Does that sound right?
Well, I have one. I'm gonna have another one next week.
Oh, wow. You're in it now. Awesome. Which one is your other one?
He's two.
Okay. Is he super, super clingy, or is he running around?
He's all over the place.
Okay. All right. Often, little kids, one of them will feel like it's their job to make sure Mom and Dad are okay. I know the other one will try to make sure that, um, they don't get near Mom and Dad, even though they're trapped in the same house. I wanted you to know on the other side of this, on the other side of healing, I can't keep my daughter off me anymore. She's like a monkey. She curls up in my lap. She's on me all the time. And I can't tell you what a gift it is. And why do I tell you all that? Not because I'm special. I promise you, I promise you, Danny, I'm not a mess. I'm telling you that because if you'll follow the steps, especially in Building a Non-Anxious Life, you'll follow the steps in this book. If you will walk it through and choose freedom and find what places where you can challenge your thoughts, you'll go, probably have to see a counselor, man. You had a tough, tough grown-up with an alcoholic. It's tough. You make some of these choices on a daily basis, sometimes a weekly basis. Your whole system will slow down. Your whole system will stop being so stressed and anxious. And that will allow you to engage in another way that's not war. That's not fighting. It might be goofy. It might be silly. You're still gonna be you. You're still gonna roll your eyes. You're still gonna be like, "Oh my gosh." But that edge will be off. Maybe you won't be so hateful and not so spiteful, and you won't feel so much shame about Danny. Here's the deal. Danny's been fighting fights for a long, long time. It's time to set down the sword. Set down the shield. And look at this guy. He said, "I love you." Do you love me too? Let him love you for a change. And don't nag. And don't whine. And don't complain. Complain. Slim. Love you for change. We'll get there. We're proud of you, Danny. This is the moment when everything changes. And on the line, we'll be right back.
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All right, we're back in Virginia and talked to Olivia. What's up, Olivia?
Yes, how, hello to you. What's up?
Um, nothing. Thanks for taking my call.
Are you nervous? I can hear it in you.
I am.
Okay, don't be nervous. It's all good, man. It's all good. All right. Well, um, I wrote in because I found out recently that someone I went to high school with, um, got employed by the high school, like a counselor job. And, um, I, it was just deeply bothered by it. I feel like there's a lot that people there don't know about them. And, um, I want my kids to go there. And I just, I kind of want to, you know, talk to the people that I, um, am close with at the school about it. But I'm like, not really wanting to open that can of worms. So just wanted to know what I should do, how I should deal with it.
So you're pretty coy with the "they." Is this a mean girl situation or is this a guy that hurt you?
No, it's a girl. Um, and, yeah, like we, we played sports together. We, um, she's just not a good person.
What does that mean?
Um, just lying, cheating, just like knows how to fool the adults when we were in high school. And, um, damn, 26. Let me just say, I, I think God I'm not judged right now on who I was at 16 and 17 and 18. Like, I get that. I really do. And like, I talk to my parents about this too, and they were like, "You know, people change." But like, I have mutual friends with this person, and it's just not, like, I'm sorry, but it's just not. And this is not, they're like, "I, I'm sorry that I am still holding her accountable for these things." But she hasn't changed.
And give me some examples of how she hasn't changed, how she's still lying and cheating and swindling people as an adult.
Yeah, so like, she, um, let me just try to like gather what I want to say. So she like, is very up much into like the hookup culture. And this is a, this is like a religious high school. She's, um, like she gets drunk, she uses drugs. Not, I mean, she smokes weed occasionally. Um, and like, just not her morals and the values of her life don't align to what this school is about. And that's why I feel like every close adult, which is basically my parents, I told them, they were like, "What? Like, I'm sorry, who, who let that happen?" You know? And so I'm just thinking, which I know this is not realistic, but like, in 15 years, if my kids go there, how am I going to deal with that? Like, yeah.
Let's let 15 years. The world's gonna be very different in 15 years. I'm afraid so. Not afraid, I'm excited about. Yeah. How do you know how do you know she does drugs and drinks?
And because I know the people she doesn't with.
Okay, so let's do a couple of things. Number one, let's let high school go. Just let it go. And that's why I'm calling. I'm like, "I don't care about this." Like, I have it, but you do. It's in it's in you.
Exactly. I didn't think I did. I didn't think I did. And then this, this brought it all back up. And I'm just like, in enraged over it.
Okay, you're the, the enraged part. Like, so let's take her out of the picture. If you heard that some local faith-based high school hired somebody that's hooking up and drinking beers, um, you probably roll your eyes or are you a small town? Like, can you believe? Can you? Whatever. The rage comes from what happened in high school. And we can get into that. Like, you are killing yourself by not letting that go. You've probably heard the old phrase, "You are drinking poison hoping that she dies." You know what she hasn't thought about in a long time? You or any of this stuff that happened. But you do. And it causes your heart to go up. It causes your, all sorts of physiological issues here. Your heart rate to go up. It's killing you. Let it go.
Yeah. Don't hold it back anymore. As the great Frozen says.
That's why I'm like, I don't know how. So a couple of things. Number one, and we'll get to the actual issue as an adult. Number one, um, as a practice, I started about a decade ago. Um, I don't have to do it hardly at all anymore. Occasionally, but hardly at all. Um, but I literally made a commitment to myself that I would stop having imaginary conversations in my head with other people who are not in the room.
Yeah.
And you, you're amazing at it. I can tell. And you always win them too, don't you? Like, you drop bombs when you're, you have these fantasies of when you talk to her and you're gonna point your finger at her. Can you do this? And she's gonna be like, "Oh my gosh, you're right. I did." And it's gonna feel so awesome. Your body doesn't know the difference. And so you spin your body up for war all the time. And you're never gonna have those conversations. You'll never have that confrontation. And if you do, it will not go anything like you think it's going to. Yeah. And so I literally would walk through my house and I would yell out loud, "Nope." I've heard of people with rubber bands and they pop them on their wrist. I've heard of people who will like snap their fingers. Anything that will break you out of that cycle because it's instantaneous. Your body wants that hit. It's addicted to that cycle, that stress cycle. Get out of it. And what you have to do is you have to catch yourself. And it will take a while, but stop with the imaginary conversations. And when high school stuff comes up, just stop. Number two, you probably need to go talk to a counselor because there's probably some stuff that happened in high school. Is that fair?
Yeah. Some ugly stuff.
Fair. Is there stuff you haven't told people about?
No. It's not that dark. It's just, I don't know. It just felt so undeserving, you know?
Let me ask you this. What do you do for a living?
I'm self-employed. I'm pulling our life.
It's not about that. It's just, no, I'm just asking you. What do you do?
We own our own business.
Okay. Y'all doing great? You love it?
Yeah. Okay.
Can you let her just love her thing too?
Yeah. And it's not so much about like, not wanting happiness. I'm not that bitter. It's just that I just don't think she should be in the position.
You know? Okay. That leads me to number two. Number two, if you know of somebody who is, who is openly violating the core tenets of a place where they work, then you have to make a grown-up decision as to whether I'm going to report that. I'm going to say something to them. I'm gonna bring it up. Or what? But I want to challenge you to make your decision and either say something or make your decision to not say anything and move on with your life because you're caught in this gray area and you're torturing yourself.
Yeah, I agree. And that's kind of what I'm saying, like, is just moving on fine? Because, like, morally, I just feel like I don't think.
They didn't ask you.
Yeah, you're right. I mean, the school didn't like put out feelers and be like, like, whenever I got my job at Belmont, they had an open call, right? They put it in the paper. Here's the finalists. They had a, um, open, like a forum where anybody could come in, right? It was open. Like, you got something to say, say it now. It's like, forever hold your peace, right?
Yeah.
That's cool. Didn't ask you for that.
Yeah, you're right.
So you're, you want to insert yourself into a situation that doesn't.
Yeah, and that's what I'm saying. I don't feel like it's my place. But I just want to, like, not be so bothered by it.
I think you want to burn her to the ground.
I, I mean, it's really not. I don't feel like it's that bad. I just, I promise you, I really.
It is. It, it is. And I, I can't tell you. I would let it go. And if there's something going wrong that's wrong, right? Like, and I, I could see myself having a conversation with an executive somewhere. I would have no problem with that. If I felt like my values and morals were challenged on a particular situation, letting somebody know, "Hey, I need you to know this about this person." I've done that recently, actually. It was a super egregious situation, but I was pretty clear.
Yeah, right.
And so if you feel like you need to do that, do it. Just do it. But if you're not gonna do that, walk away. Yeah, walk away. And I want to catch myself here. I said, "They didn't invite you into this conversation." Like, you're inserting yourself in the problem. Sometimes good citizens do. They run into the middle of a situation because they see something that somebody else doesn't see. I don't want someone a house on fire and sitting out in the front yard and be like, "Well, they never asked me to come help them, so I'm just gonna watch it burn down." Don't do that.
Right. Yeah.
So if you know somebody is doing some unethical or illegal, or they are pulling the wool over, especially as a teacher, right? And as an educator, as a mental health professional, as a counselor, for God's sake. Yeah, maybe you do say something. Maybe you go to that person first and you say, "Hey, this isn't cool." Um, and you get involved that way. That's cool. That's fine. But make your decision and then be done with it. And I want you to practice over the next 30, 60 days. I want you to practice when you start that imaginary conversation, when she's in your head, literally say out loud, "Stop. No. Not doing this. I'm being present where I am. What happened in high school happened in high school. It was a long, as eight years ago, almost a decade ago. Let it ride." And if there are some hard things you need to talk about, some things that weren't fair, some things that hurt you, grief demands a witness. You need to say those things out loud in front of somebody who will hear you. Okay? So call a local counselor. Book a couple of sessions. But there's some sort of thing in you that you had to overcome a lot, and you've got a successful business. And she lied and cheated and stole her way. She's still doing it. And now she's got this successful job, like helping young people. No, she doesn't get to do that. And I would just say, man, let the self-righteousness go. Let it go. That high school be high school. Thank God I'm not judged on who I was in high school. Hopefully, I've grown up a lot. Hopefully, I've been up a lot. Maybe, just maybe.
[Music]
If somebody calls her out an appropriate way, she'll go, "You're right. Sorry." Maybe she just needs to be removed from that position.
[Music]
Or maybe you can work real hard, set that brick down, and just let her out of life. We'll be right back.
This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Hey folks, all of us need a little guidance sometimes in life. We're faced with tough situations and choices, and the way forward isn't always clear. I've been in that position. In fact, I'm in that position right now, and therapy is helping me find a path through it. Whether it's a career decision, relationship at a crossroads, or some other struggle you're facing, you need someone to talk with to move ahead with confidence. So if you've ever considered therapy, I recommend BetterHelp. BetterHelp connects you with a licensed therapist who can walk with you on that journey to discover who you want to become. BetterHelp is entirely online, so it's convenient, flexible, and it fits your schedule, whatever your schedule may be. Just fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched with a licensed therapist, and you can switch therapists at any time for no additional charge. So let therapy be your map with BetterHelp. Visit BetterHelp.com/Deloney today to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp. H-E-L-P.com/Deloney.
All right, we're back. Let's go out to Florida and talk to the great and wonderful Amy. What's up, Amy?
Hello, Dr. John. Well, thank you for taking my call. Thanks for calling. Hi. Um, I, I feel kind of silly with this, but I want to thank you for taking my call. Um, my question, you listen to the show ever?
I, I have. And I feel like my story is not as dramatic as most of the ones you deal with. So I was surprised that Jenna called me. Actually, no, we have to be careful the show doesn't turn into Jerry Springer. So it's good just to have some human, some human stuff.
What's up?
Yeah, this is human stuff. Um, my question is, how do I cope with the anger and the grief that I feel by being blindsided by my own life? That's what it. Okay, well, before I start, I just want to say, there's no ifs, ands, or buts. I love my kids with all my heart. I, I, I, I know people are going to be listening and they're going to be like, "Oh my gosh, she's not thankful." This is one of my favorite ways people start. Now, listen, okay. He's great, but okay, with this all right. So my husband and I have been married, um, 21 years.
Me too. Congratulations.
I know how hard. Thank you. Personally, that's a long time. Congrats. It is a long time. And it has been very hard. But, um, we had two kids, um, in our early 20s. That was all the kids we were had planned to have. We thought, you know, we'll, we'll have our family, we'll have our kids, and, you know, by my mid to late 40s, we'll be empty nesting.
Are you pregnant?
No, no. Okay. Oh God, I'm not.
I thought you were pregnant.
So, um, just as we were kind of leaving the little kid fog, you know, where you never see each other, you, you were just mad at each other all the time. The kids take up everything. We found out in our early 30s that we were pregnant again. Um, so we had another kid. Um, kind of rolled with the punches there and we're like, "Okay, well, that just kind of pushes things a little bit." And, uh, 2020 rolled around, and I remember posting on Facebook how excited I was because I was just feeling like I was finally starting to feel me again. I feel like myself, you know? I've been a stay-at-home mom this whole time, and you just kind of get lost in it. You feel invisible. You feel like you don't exist, and that you just aren't even a real person anymore. And, um, I know that that lasts while the kids are small, and as they get older, it kind of goes away. But anyway, 2020 came. I was about to turn 40. I posted that on Facebook, and a month later, I found out I was pregnant again at 40. And from that moment, I lost it. I immediately fell into like a deep grief, like grieving what I thought my 40s were going to look like.
Okay, I'm trying not to cry.
I'll cry away, dude.
Listen, you're right. You're right. I, I feel angry a lot that I had to start over at 40. I feel angry that as my older kids are transitioning, that I don't get to transition with them. I feel like I've been stuck at the starting line for nearly 20 years. And my friends are all starting to empty nests and going on trips with their husbands and finally starting to live again. And I haven't been out to my dinner with my husband in months. We don't see each other. We have no time together. We've been living in a little kid fog for 20 years. And I'm just grieving so hard that I'm, I'm 43. And it feels like I'm gonna be invisible for another 20 years. And I won't get to live until I'm 60. And I'm just so spent. Time emotionally, like spent. I'm physically touched out. I look in the mirror, and the person I see just keeps getting older. And I feel like my life has just been stuck in the same season for so long. And I love my children with all my heart, but I don't love my life. And it fills me with guilt every morning, and grief, and anger. And I know it sounds selfish, but it feels like I don't exist. I feel like I have so much potential I will never get to see the light of day. And I guess I'm calling in just to say, how do you have any advice? How to cope with this?
Yeah, yeah. Well, one, thank you for saying all that out loud. Yeah, yeah. It helps. Have you ever said it all out loud like that?
I don't think so.
Yeah. Okay. Hey, I'm proud of you.
I vomited. I promise.
What we do here. That's, that's my job. That's my job. Um, I don't think for one second that you don't like your kids. Not for a second. Okay? So I want to take that completely off the table. And anybody you're, hey, listen, do not read the YouTube comments because there's, there's gonna be morons that are posting like, "Oh my gosh."
No, don't read them.
Okay. I promise. I know people that don't have kids are going to be upset. People who think I don't appreciate them. I do. I love them. Okay. Number two, getting pregnant with number four at 40 something, absolutely is right to grieve what you thought was about to be a whole new tran, a chapter of your life. Yeah, 100%. You had a picture painted, and it went away instantly. And you were faced with that. I call it like the, the guilt, shame teeter-totter of, "I don't want this." "Oh, great mom." "Great mom." And then it smashes the other side, and you're like, "Oh, what a loser." And then it's like, "Oh." So yeah, you got to get off the teeter-totter. Number one, okay? Um, yeah, so you're right. You are right. And here's what I really want to challenge you on, though. Can I push back on the whole, I, the whole model you've created?
Yes, please.
You have fallen prey to one of the our culture's most insidious traps and lies, is what I would say. Okay? Okay. Here's what it is. That there is some magical finish line somewhere. It doesn't exist. Yeah. And what that means is, right now is the life you are choosing. There are billions of people in the world that don't have, don't get choice. Right? I get that. Me, most of the people that's in the show do. And when I say choice, it doesn't mean like, uh, it's not like you're suddenly gonna get a million dollars or suddenly rent's gonna get cheaper. It's not. Okay? When I say choice, I mean, you keep waiting until this season X is over so then you can start living your life. And what your body is reacting to right now is, you are choosing consciously to not live your life. There is a fog, no question about it. And then there's a whole, whole bunch of choices. There is chaos with three kids, now a fourth and an infant. Are you kidding me? And there's a ton of choices. So I'm gonna challenge you because I love you. Is that cool?
Yeah.
You and your husband have chosen to not go on dates for months. You'll have chosen to have your sex life just go away. You'll have chosen to take different paths. And I have little kid. I get how insane it might sound. But my promise is this, if all of your kids were checking out and you booked that first vacation and you showed up at that first vacation place, the worst part about that is you would have gone with you, the person who felt like put her life on hold for 20 something years. And I bet you didn't put it on hold as much as you think you did. Maybe I'm wrong, but I bet your kids love their mama, don't they?
Do.
And are your kids good kids? The good human beings they are? They treat people right?
I think so.
Does your husband bathe with some regularity?
Well, that's questionable.
Please. Don't fall into the trap. The only contribution a person can make is some sort of dollar amount in in a 401k. Yeah, yeah. I know. I just, I, I feel like my brain is wasted.
You know, like I, on what I'm not making reports in some law office.
Oh, no. I, I don't think I would ever do that. But just, what did your brain get wasted on?
Sitting down and playing Barbie dolls and stuff that I've done it day in and day out, 20 years already.
And you've created a neuronal, you've created, that's not even a word. You've created, I'm trying to think of a non-nerd way to say it.
It's okay. You can be a nerd. I like that kind of stuff.
You've created brain maps for your kids. Yeah. You've created their wiring. You've created their nervous system with them. Co-created it with them. Yeah. You could build a residence hall at a college or you can, I don't know, build a small company, or you can build a human. Yeah. And they're all at various stages, mind-numbingly boring, insanely boring, insanely frustrating, insanely rewarding. Yeah. But there's another story here underneath this. You found yourself in is a woman who for whatever reason does not like saying out loud what you need. And there's a woman who doesn't like saying out loud, "You know what I really want?" And fill in the blank. That's the part that I think has gone to waste is your voice.
Yeah. Where did she go?
You think she's been gone for a long time?
I think you're right.
Yeah, because it's always been everybody else in the house is more important. All of their needs are more important. And I would tell you that's a curse of modern parenting because if, if Mom's not well, you've got nothing to give. If your picture's not full, you've got nothing to pour into your kid's picture.
That's how I feel right now. It is, especially thinking about.
Yeah, yeah. But the, the solution to being spent is not a season of doing nothing. It's not a season of comparative analysis watching your friends because I promise you this. I promise you, you're gonna have friends that go on a couple of their vacations, they're like, "Oh my gosh." And then they're gonna come over to your house and your daughter's gonna crawl up into your lap right before she goes to bed. And one of them's gonna have a tear out on their face. And the other guy is gonna be tough and he's gonna go, "Man, I wish that I missed that." Okay? Everybody's wondering what it's like on the other side of the fence. And the key to being well is being okay with what side of the fence you happen to be on. You're there. You have a fourth kid. How old's your kid?
Three.
Oh, yes. I know. Three. Yeah. I, I have four. And I can't change it. I know that. I think I'm just trying to figure out how to, how to be okay with this.
I, I don't, I don't want you to just be okay with it.
Yeah, that's the thing. I don't want to just survive. I want to thrive.
Yes. For a long time. So make the choice that Mom goes first for a season.
Will husband allow a, a wife with a voice?
I hope so. Would he love? No, that's not a good answer. Would he love a wife that says, "Here's what I need. I'm gonna try." I don't know that he's ever known me as that. You know, he's always kind of been like the pants in the family.
So, um, I'm gonna speak up. Most men hold on. It's not just a matter of, "I'm just gonna speak up." Because here's what's gonna happen. You're gonna not speak up, and then you're gonna explode on him, and he's gonna not know what hit him. Yeah. Most guys are so desperate to know why their wife doesn't like them. Oh, I love him. I know you do. But he can see his wife is miserable. Yeah. And if he's any husband worth a crap, he's wondering what it is about him that's making that happen. Yeah. And that's a very selfish way to go through the world. We all do it, right? Men and women, everybody goes to the world going, "What about me? What about me?" But if you sat down and said, "Over the last 20 years, I lost myself in my role as a wife. I lost myself in a role as a mom. And I put every single need in this home before mine. And I've just looked up and I got nothing left in the tank." Yeah. I want to figure out what I even need. I want to figure out what I even want. And I'm going to need you to help around the house. I'm gonna need you to help with dinner. I'm gonna need you to help with, like.
Marriage Retreats. Who do we want to become? Because we're choosing not to sleep together, we're choosing to sleep in separate rooms, we're choosing all these choices. We're choosing to not go on dates. All these things are choices. And usually, these conversations get really hard. Okay, it won't be easy, and stuff from the past comes up, new surprises will show up, all that. But this is a matter of you deciding, "My voice matters in this house. I'm not just hired help to let give my husband the life he wants and to raise four kids. I have. I'm a co-creator of this place." Right? And if you hear nothing else today, your voice matters. Not only does it matter, it's really, really important that your kids get a vision of what a mom who takes care of herself looks like, of a mom who says out loud, "I need this." And dude, as a husband, I'm so grateful when my wife says, "Hey, I really need today off," even when I'm so frustrated by it, because I needed today off too. Yeah, we got back from a long vacation recently, and my wife said, "Hey, uh, I need, um, me and her, two couple of her girlfriends, they're going out. They do this regularly. We're going out all day. We're gonna, we're just gonna figure out where we're gonna go when we go." I just wanted, I'd been on vacation for two weeks with my kids. I just needed, like, my brain clear. But dude, I was so grateful that she said what she needed out loud, and she went, and they had a great time, and I had a blast with my kids. I said to just change the focus of the day. And actually, thank goodness, because we had, we had such a blast. I mean, me and my little ones. I'd say that to tell you this, it's not just about speaking up. It's about taking your husband out and saying, "The way we've chosen to do marriage up until now doesn't work anymore. I want to hear from you, what kind of marriage do you want to have? I'm going to speak up. Here's the kind of marriage I want to have. Here's the kind of life I want to have. Here's the kind of kids." And we're gonna get babysitters because we're going out, and we're gonna go on vacation, and we're gonna drag the kid along. Let's be fine. We have a blast. Kid can do what we can do. They'll be great. Or one of these older kids that we've raised for 20 years can come back and baby. Whatever. We'll figure that out. But we're going to live the life we're going to live, and the kids are going to be a part of that, not the other way around. The modern American house that revolves around children is insane. The home should revolve around Mom. The revolt home should revolve around Dad. Should revolve around parents, not the other way around.
I'm gonna send you a copy of my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life. I want you guys to go through that book together, you and your husband. I'll send it to you for free. I want you to do the exercises. It's about building a life that is different now. Life where everybody speaks up, everyone's heard, everyone decides what we're going to do, everyone works together. And most importantly, it's a house where we have peace. You're outside in that peace in a long time. That's because Mom has taken Mom, like Amy's taking Amy, and just shoved her down. It's time for the world to meet Amy for the first time. That starts at your at your dinner table. Call anytime, Amy. We'll be with you every step of the way. This will get harder before it gets easier, okay? So get tough. But you're worth it. So are those little ones, man. We'll be right back. Hey, what's up? Dr. John Deloney here. Check it out. My new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, is now available for pre-order. Here's the great news: anxiety is not the enemy we've been led to believe. I know this because I've walked alongside countless folks over the last two decades, and I've struggled with this too. If you create a life of intentionally living out the six daily choices I've outlined in this book, you're gonna be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you. You're going to learn the choices you can make day by day to create a more peaceful, joyful, less chronically stressed, non-anxious life. Plus, when you pre-order my book, I want to give you something to help you today. That's why you'll instantly get my newest talk, Smoke, Fire, and Freedom, that I gave to several thousand folks a few months ago, where I break down the misunderstandings and myths we believe about anxiety, how to reclaim your freedom, and how to build a non-anxious life. So pre-order Building a Non-Anxious Life today for just $20 at JohnDeloney.com. All right, we're back. Um, we were just talking offline. The movie Hot Rod is at it. What does he say? He's like, "What we're in it's, uh, say what?" And what way? So we're with WH are awesome. And Annie Sandberg is the best of the best of the best. Please bring back Brooklyn Nine-Nine. Please. Um, but today's song of the day is by Wheatus. [Laughter] We just Swedish dude. A group of guys got in a room and they're like, "Dude, we rock. What should we be called?" "We should be called Devil Dragons." Or I got one, guys. "Wheatus." And they're like, "Yeah, okay. We'll go with Wheatus." Wheatus, dude. The song is a shout out to our second caller. It's "Teenage Dirtbag." And it goes like this. Her name is Noel. Dude, Kelly, if the person in this was named Noel, that'd be incredible. Her name is Noel. I have a dream about her. She rings my bell. I got gym. I got gym class in half an hour. Oh, she rocks. And kids and tube socks. This is going differently than I thought. But she doesn't know who I am. She doesn't care about me because I'm just a Teenage Dirtbag, baby. Listen to Iron Maiden, baby, with me. I think there's a reason we didn't hear a lot from Cletus after "Teenage Dirtbag." It's cool, guys. I like Iron Maiden too. Shout out Ryan Holiday. Love you guys. Stay in school. Don't do drugs. Bye.