Transcription
Hello, hello, hello, hello my sugars, my honeys, my babies, and my darlings, whatever it is that I call you. Welcome, welcome, welcome.
If you have already been to the channel, you watch some of my videos. Thank you. Welcome back. If you are new, welcome. Join the family, y'all. This is This is a great day, y'all. I'm excited. But my allergies are a little bit of a mess. So, if I sound a little nasal, y'all just ignore it, okay? I'm here because we need to have a conversation. I've been just kind of like watching online stuff as I always do y'all because I'm an online person. So, I have to see exactly what it is that's going on. But, let me tell y'all something. I have a problem with dating conversations. Not all dating conversations, not all dating coaches, not all influencers that talk about dating. They're not coaches, but they talk about dating. I don't know. It's just like everything is so crowded now. It's just like crowded conversations. Everyone's giving an opinion. And the problem is is that when you continue to watch a specific type of video, the algorithm starts to change, starts to shift. Before you know, your for you page is full of similar conversations and you are taking in all of these conversations and you are forming these conversations to your own personal beliefs, which some of these conversations are just people projecting. You're not supposed to actually take it in, but because you consume so much of those type of conversations, you take it in. So, I have an issue with certain dating conversations. I do not like when people talk and it is a onesizefitsall type of conversation that is destroying dating for you all who are still in the dating field.
This is going to be a women's conversation. Men can chime in however they choose to. But I am talking to my babies, my honeys, my sugars, my women because I want women to grow. I want men and women to grow. I don't like the gender war. I don't like none of this. But I am a woman. So, I can speak from a woman's perspective. The stuff y'all are listening to is possibly destroying you. It's possibly destroying the dating experiences that you have. And if you're wondering why I keep meeting different types of people, but no one's proposing to me. I'm not getting married. I'm not getting engagement. No one's committing to me. Some of this may be the reason why. But specifically today, I'm going to talk about learned helplessness. Because what I see is a lot of dating coaches and people who speak on dating, they don't get down to the nitty-gritty. They tell you that you're supposed to be with this type of person who has this lifestyle, who makes this kind of money. This is a lifestyle you're supposed to have. But we're not addressing layers, trauma, upbringing, childhood, developmental stages, generational trauma. We're not addressing that with context like we should be. And that's harming the women. When dating coaches or dating influencers broadcast the same message across all women and it's a generalized message, it's harmful. Six, seven figure women probably should not be having the same type of conversations or consuming the same type of content in regards to dating as women who are still living in the trenches. Still women who are still in poverty and things like that. The message has to be changed. People who come, women specifically, who come from dysfunction, probably wouldn't have the same type of conversation as people who come from functional households, stable environments. Most dating coaches have this material checklist, this materialistic checklist, and this is what they broadcast across all channels and all social media platforms. He has to have six figures. He has to be able to give you this type of lifestyle. Don't even look twice if he cannot provide that type of lifestyle. And so, you consume these conversations day in and day out, day in and day out. But what about the people who learned helplessness? What about the women who grew up in poverty, who grew up in unstable households? What about the women who grew up where there was a lack of a father, lack of a role model, a male role model? Their mother was a mother who stayed on government assistant and she made sure that she stayed in a situation that allowed her to be granted that assistance. And those are just some of the things. What about the women who grew up in abuse and domestic abuse or they witnessed it? What about the ones who witnessed toxic chaotic love and they learned helplessness? What about those? We cannot have the same type of conversations with these type of women who grew up in these type of environments versus women who did not grow up in those type of environments. The message has to be different. If you have a woman who is struggling with helplessness or she has learned helplessness, you are telling her and reinforcing a belief that a man has to save her, that her future depends on a man's wallet. And just because a man has six figures does not mean that the character aligns with that, it doesn't mean that his character is a character of wealth. And just because he has six figures doesn't mean that his mindset matches that as well. You have men who make six figures that still come, they do the same thing as some of the women. They have a a mindset of helplessness, a defeist mindset, a victim mentality. Those are typically the ones that you see trying to get fast money. They scamming, they scheming, they robbing. They trying to become a rapper. They sell a dope. They do all of that. From a counseling standpoint, this is not helping women heal. This is a form of regression. It's making them go backwards because what you see is women start chasing. And you may be saying, "Well, they're not. They're waiting for this." No, they're chasing a dream. They're chasing an idea that they may not have access to given their circumstances. If you are telling a woman who, let's just say, she is in poverty and she's on government assistance and she, you know, she's comfortable with living. So, I'm not even going to say comfortable, but she just feels like there's no way out and if she goes to school and stuff like that, she's possibly going to fail. So, let me just stay in this type of environment. and you telling her, "Don't give this man who makes $60, $70,000 a year, even though she probably makes like 20 or $30,000 a year. Don't give this man a chance, even though he has great character. Wait for that six-f figure man. Go get you a six-f figure man. What if she's not in the spaces to be able to get that type of man?" And then you kill her hope. And then we're we're setting women up for disappointment when we have these type of conversations because it's as if I'm saying just wait on this. Wait until it comes and she's waiting and she's waiting and here's this helplessness that's reinforcing itself. I'm waiting on a man to rescue me.
So how do we even get to this space? Well, let let's talk about how people get to this learned helplessness to begin with because it is a psychological/ mental state that they end up operating in. When there are negative events and situations that keep on happening and they are outside of your control and they just keep on happening and keep on happening and keep on happening, you eventually start to believe that this is what it's going to be. You start to believe that you are powerless to change the situation. So, you get stuck in victimhood. You become pessimistic. You feel like this is out of your control. You have to stay. Even if the opportunities are present, you have to stay in this type of situation. Don't accept the opportunities. You assume that you're going to fail. If you do have a chance of getting out, if there is somebody who has learned helplessness, there's a chance that hopelessness and powerlessness are somewhere near. You become complacent in your circumstances. You start to believe that nothing you do is going to help your situation and circumstance. And instead of seeking the opportunities that are presented to you if they're there and actually having agency over yourself, you just wait and say, "I'm just going to wait for somebody to save me." If you truly believe that somebody will. And this is only based on what the dating coaches tell you online. Now, this is not for all dating coaches. I have a few dating coaches that I absolutely love. They are either married or engaged. And I love them because they give you sound advice and they tell you what you need to work on within. The things that you consume eventually will shape the beliefs that you have in a perception of the world, love, people, and everything around you, including yourself. If you grew up in a home that was unstable, if you grew up in a home where your parents never were consistent, or maybe one of your parents, if it was a single household, there was a lack of consistency, the lights and stuff constantly got turned off or things like that, or you actually witnessed them constantly manipulate and do certain things for the sake of government assistance. And yes, y'all, I have seen and heard some of the crazy stories like people getting pregnant for the sake of being able to have government assistance, having the younger teenagers and stuff get pregnant for the sake of government assistance and all that, but we ain't going to get into those conversations. Not right now. Situation where there's constant trauma, CSA, sexual, emotional, physical, verbal abuse, and someone feels like they can't change it, and they feel like this person has power over them, and they're powerless. They're helpless. there's nothing that they can do to save themselves to get them out of that environment. They learn helplessness as well. Some people, some actually overcome it and say, "I don't want to be in a situation." But some people succumb to the environment that they grew up in. If you saw your parents struggle financial hardship, if you saw your parents who lost a job or maybe they couldn't keep a consistent job, it was constantly losing jobs and stuff like that. You start to believe that this is what's going to happen because it's unstable, right? It's unstable. I don't know what's going to be the next thing and this is what life is. I've lived in this life for so many years that nothing else can change. You hear that? that mindset.
Now, specifically for those of color, we have to consider a multitude of things as well. The the constant mindset that we are oppressed. Now, granted, there is still some systemic racism that people do struggle with and people do endure. I mean, I have as well. So, I completely understand it. But because there has been times, especially in our past, we've gone through slavery and stuff like that, and we have this mindset that we are oppressed. the systemic racism that constantly doesn't allow you to grow, the red lining where in certain environments and stuff like that, you don't have the same resources. You don't have the same housing or financial resources as everybody else because of your race and ethnicity. We have fathers and mothers and just a large amount of people who are in jail who are incarcerated and taken away from their families. Then you have the families who teach you to expect failure if you try to build you. I have seen parents I have witnessed families who actually I have seen parents who lived and learned hopelessness and it starts to leak into their children. No matter what it is that you going to do the system is always going to work against you. No matter what type of job you have, they'll let you go. No matter who's with you, they'll cheat. It's just that ongoing voice of no matter what happens, something is going to fail. And you start to tell yourself that. And if you have a fear of failure, you don't want to fail. So you start missing out on opportunities so you don't have to meet that failure. So now when we have these messages from the dating coaches that meet the women who learned helplessness, we have a very unhealthy situation that's about to happen because once again the message is onesizefits all. Let's be real for a second. Six-figure men are not as easy coming as you think it is. It's not a lot of them and if there are some they are probably taken already. So we're already setting unrealistic goals. were already creating a a sense of false hope. The messages start to teach women that they have to depend on a man for resources. Now, it's okay if a man provides for you, but if you have nothing going for yourself mindset wise, right? mindset wise, right? So if you just believe that love is transactional, that as long as he has money, I'm secure, that I don't have to have anything for myself so long as he has it, you are setting yourself up for failure. Because what what happens when he doesn't have it? Cuz we have to assume that life will happen, right? What happens when he doesn't have it? And you have no agency over yourself. You've created no security. you haven't changed your mindset to be able to do things for yourself to grant you a sense of security and stability outside of his wallet, outside of what he provides.
Another thing is when you have these conversations, cuz I see many of y'all, y'all carry a conversation, you hear something and you carry that same conversation somewhere else. And trust me, certain men who manipulate are watching you. And so they learn you, they learn your patterns, they know what you want. And then they can start using their money and what they can provide and their wallet as leverage. And that's how they manipulate you because you are carrying on a message and you have a completely different upbringing from somebody else. Now granted, let's just say that this person, we have somebody who comes from a functional household, two parents that made a lot of money and they had security and they had everything that they asked for. And yes, then somebody has a conversation where you should have somebody with six figures. They are probably in the spaces in the rooms with somebody. They have already seen a functional relationship as well. So they know what partnership and they know what love looks like versus having a conversation with somebody who learned helplessness that came from possibly poverty, lower class, sometimes middle class as well. And you were talking to them about having a sixf figureure man. How realistic is that? That's a setup. Especially if they have never seen partnership or understood what a functional relationship looks like. That is a setup. Now they're prioritizing how much money he has. And now the character of that man is being devalued. The woman is no longer caring about what his character is, what his heart is like? Is he responsible? Does he have self-control? Does he have self-discipline? What's his mindset like? Because all of that stuff has now gone out of the window so long as he has money. Right? talking to a person who's learned helplessness and saying, "Look, let's make sure that whatever opportunities present themselves that we do something or you do something to make sure that you can get those opportunities so you can build yourself some security, some financial security, some stability in your life and things like that. So, the person who comes on is additional. This is a bonus when they come on versus go find you a six-f figure man. As long as you keep yourself up and you look pretty, he can pay for everything. He can spoil you. This is your lifestyle until the lifestyle is not there anymore. if he doesn't have the money or if he leaves you and he leaves you with nothing. Y'all see the whole trad wife trend that had went on sometime for a while and people were getting left and the lawyers were warning you, hey, you have to have something for yourself because some men will watch you and they would just use the money as leverage until they are tired of you and they move on to somebody else. And here you are, your very identity and the security of your life has been rooted in what you can do, how much access you have to this man and his money. And then when it's gone, here's that learned helplessness that comes back up because you're back at zero and it failed. Now we're back. Had we had done something to help you work on your self- agency, to help you form some type of independence, to create some security and stability in your life, had that person left, you wouldn't be falling back and it wouldn't be reinforcing that belief of putting you in a perpetual cycle of learned helplessness, powerlessness, hopelessness.
This is the reason why we have to work cognitively. We have to reframe the way you think. Work on the beliefs that you have. What's the negative thought patterns that you have? However, when people have these conversations about dating, they are not adding in trauma, upbringing, adverse childhood experiences. They're not bringing up how you grew up, the type of environment that you grew up, the emotional climate that you were in. They're not bringing up what you learned by observation or what you actually went through. And those are conversations that we need to have. Whether it's a a young man or a woman who learned this, young women learned to wait for a man to rescue them. And the young men learned that as long as you have money, it excuses poor behavior and bad character, especially if both of them came up in some sense of helplessness. Now, we hear dating coaches make sure you have six figures. It's all about what he can provide for you, sis. As long as he has money. Okay? If a man has been trained to provide and only focus on the money, when the emotional or relational aspect is not there, you cannot complain if you have only reduced him to his money because a lot of men have been trained and taught that you got to get it. You got to keep getting make sure that you have this money and that's what validates who they are. They have externalized their worth and their value to the money that they make. And so when they are no longer making that same type of money, they need some other source of validation. So when this man who you want intimacy from, but first you came in and said, "I wanted some money." But when this man goes out and get that money and it's not rolling in the same and he needs external validation and he goes and gets that from other women or something else, can you complain about that? You've you've reduced him and externalize his worth only to what he brings in. Can you get upset? You want a man who gives you this type of lifestyle, but if he constantly has to go get it, he may not be present emotionally. He may not know the relational skills. He may not have been taught the relational skills. If he watched somebody who was modeling, just going out there and getting, just hustling, scamming, making his money, quick, fast money. That's all he knows. He did not learn relational skills. He learned how to hustle. It's the same, right? Very, very, very similar. So when you say that I need a man who has this much type of money, I need a man who has six figures, you just take out everything else. You don't care about his mindset because if a man has six figures and he learned helplessness, he going to sabotage it cuz he didn't learn how to keep it long term. That's why we have to pay attention to character. Then you're going to start to resent this man because you said he just had to have money. You didn't say he had to have a mindset. You didn't say he had to have a vision. He just had to have the money. But what if he has different type of mindsets that he's operating in? So now you don't see ambition. You don't see vision. And just because they hustle don't always mean that it's necessarily ambitious. The survival mechanisms as well. But you don't see the intimacy. You don't see no conversations. He ain't talking about how you feel. You don't see those very things that you actually would like to have in a partner. And then you start to present him because somebody online told you you have to have a man who only has six figures. Don't worry about everything else. is you can cry in a what did they say that girl you can cry in a what is that car you can cry in a Rolls-Royce it may not been that it may have been a Ben it's some car I don't I don't know y'all cry in the back of a something I do not believe in training a woman to believe that her only salvation is how much a man makes her only salvation is a man come to save her I will never teach a woman that especially if I know for a fact as I'm listening to her in conversations she's learned helplessness I am never it's it's almost like a damsel in distress. Please come save me. Somebody come save me. And I'm just waiting here and I'm being, you know, just complacent in my life. I'm not moving. I'm I'm just being I'm stuck in my life where I'm at. I'm not doing anything extra. I'm not pursuing my dreams. I'm not going to school. I'm not creating something for myself because I'm just waiting on somebody to come save me. I am never ever ever going to tell a woman that. I'm never going to create a message that tells a woman that her salvation is a man coming to save her or someone with money coming to save her. Never. I'm also never going to tell a woman to outsource her stability. No internal first. What are you doing in your life to create real stability? Not a false sense of stability, real stability. I'm never going to tell a woman you have to outsource it. So you have dating influencers and people who talking about dating and dating coaches who are blasting the same message to every single woman. Not all women are the same and not all women need the same message. If you are talking to women in poverty, they will cling to a man in his wallet like it is a lifeline, like it's their only ticket out. If you have a woman who comes from a functional family who's actually seen love and partnership modeled well, when she keeps on hearing these type of conversation, she's going to start looking and questioning the love that she witnessed in her life and start looking at love today and say, "hm love today is transactional. The messages are so transactional that she's going to start doubting what healthy love and functional love actually is." And you have these young women who have not been able to discover who they are, what their identity is, what their purpose is, who are now equating love with money. You have women who still have trauma who are now bypassing the healing process because they are chasing after somebody with money and it is serving as a distraction from the pain and the things that they actually have to deal with. Women who came up with dysfunctional upbringing, we're supposed to be talking about healing, doing inner work, working on themselves before they even try to date, learning self- agency before you get out there and assign your agency to somebody else just because they have money. We should be working on what type of mindset do you have? What is the psychological state that you are operating in beyond financial rescue? What type of opportunities present themselves? How can we create stability in your life? Agency in your own life before we even talk about dating? Because honestly, these are the type of women who typically would stay in very toxic, abusive situations all for the sake of having a lifestyle that was saved by a man. Not all women have access to a high earning man, especially if they have a mindset of helplessness. So if this man comes in, a high earning man does come in and this woman is operating in a mindset of helplessness, she already believes that she can't sustain it. He can sense that lack of confidence in her. She talks long enough, he'll be able to see that mindset that she's operating in. And if it's a good guy with good character who makes a lot of money, he's going to say, "No, I can't I can't deal with that. I can't deal with a person who wants to be rescued." That damsel in distress story was cute when we were young. It's not real when you get older. Or you'll have the manipulator who comes in. The manipulator just that just wants to bag somebody because he feels validated with people pouring into him and loving on him and worshiping him. I want to sense the narcissist that y'all talk about. That person may come in and try to manipulate her cuz he sees you need me. You need money. I don't like to give dating advice. I know a lot of people ask me questions about dating and I try to give as much. But I'm also coming from a clinical standpoint as well. I'm not just going to tell you to go out here and get your money, sis, and get this type of lifestyle. I'm not going to do that because I need to address first what are you looking for? What's the intent? What's the motive behind it? What's your vision? If I'm having a conversation with a young woman and I ask her about her upbringing, I say, "Okay, tell me a little bit about your past. Tell me about the people who raised you. Tell me about the emotional climate in the home. Tell me about the things that you see. Were there any hardships or anything like that?" and she talks to me and she say, "Yeah, Kitty, I came from an unstable household and you know, my parents, they worked a whole lot, but our lights and stuff got turned off and every so often we'll be without water or we'll be without food or we have to go stay with family members, we have to go stay with our grandmother, just stuff like that or maybe they dealt with some type of abuse and stuff like that." And as I'm talking to her, I say, "Okay, so what is it that you're wanting to work on? Well, I want to learn how to date." Okay. Okay. what what work have you done within yourself? And then she said, "Well, this is my first time. This is the first time I'm trying to do work on myself. This is the first time I'm in counseling or therapy or anything like that." Okay. Okay. Well, let's look into the past and let's see exactly what your behavior patterns are, what your thought patterns and things like that are. And then as I talked to her, I realize that there are schemas that she's operating in. For instance, helplessness. And I realize, okay, if I ask you, I say, "Okay, well, you had this opportunity in front of you. Why didn't you take that opportunity?" Because I I just I was afraid I was going to fail. I've seen too much failure in my life. It's those type of conversations that throw off the signal in my head that say you are not ready to date. And if I were a person who was online telling people like that that they should go out in the dating field and just get with somebody because they have money, that is setting them up for failure. That is harmful and that is very dangerous because then I have to also consider that there are people who pray on women just like that. She is already wanting to be rescued. If I listen and she say I'm I'm just I'm just waiting. I'm putting myself out there. I'm doing all of this stuff. I'm going out. I'm going to these places. Okay, but what are you doing for yourself? What are you creating for yourself? And I realize that she is not creating stability in her own life and she is externalizing it hoping that somebody comes and rescue her because she is living in a fantasy. It would be damaging for me to give her that type of advice to say, "Hey, just sit around and wait for a man to come rescue you." She's vulnerable to men who pose themselves as rescuers. There are some men who will pose themselves as a night in shining armor because they see a damsel in distress. I would never ever ever work with a woman and keep her in a damsel in distress type of mindset. You would never be in that helplessness, hopelessness, that hopeless romantic mindset. I will never do that for you. You are never going to wait for somebody else to be your salvation. It will never happen. We will work on all of the behavior and thought patterns and all of the emotional wounds, spiritual wounds, and all of those things that we have to address from your past. all of the trauma to be able to get you to a place where you have created your own security and stability and safety within your life. So now when somebody comes in, they don't have to rescue you. Now when somebody comes in and they flaunts they six figures to you and it's not going to move you like that cuz you don't need to be rescued. You got it. Even if you don't have six figures, you have stability. So you don't have to rely on somebody else to bring you stability. Manipulators know one thing because of what y'all keep saying online. Y'all have continued to equate safety with money. And a manipulator who has money will come in and exploit that and say, "Well, I can create you safety, stability, and security. I have the money." And because you see the money and the dollar signs, you don't even think about the character. They can come in with this pretentious character and say, "Yes." And pretend to be a good guy because they have money. You see the rooms and the environments in, but you have not yet learned their character. And they are exploiting that dependency on you. They're exploiting that need to be saved on you. A lot of the people who are talking about you should have somebody who is a high earnner. They are going through the ringers behind closed door. This person doesn't have any emotional skills, any social skills, any relational skills, but they have the money and they have reduced their life to a lifestyle so long as he can provide me a lifestyle of house, cars, money, take me on trips and stuff. That's all that matters. They've reduced themselves to that. A manipulative man who has money knows his money is leverage. They look for women who will not leave. So if you have a manipulative man who has money, who is looking for a woman who does not leave, he is going to find the woman who is operating in a mindset of helplessness because she has already painted the picture that his money and his lifestyle has saved me. So when he comes in and she's already told herself that my background, my past was bad. We never had things consistently. I didn't have Jordans and Nikes and stuff. I had thrift store clothes. I had handme-downs and stuff like that. And this man now has the money to create the lifestyle that she has already wanted. He knows she's not going to leave. And she's not going to leave because she never wants to go back to the life that she once had. So she will endure the abuse, the neglect, the control, the manipulation so long as he keeps the money rolling in. That's what we teaching. Oh, but y'all ain't talking about that end. We ain't talking about learned helplessness and dating advice and how these two clash. We not talking about that. the fact that you all are giving generalized advice and you are not considering the women that you are talking to, the upbringing, the circumstances, the situations, the lifestyles, the environments that they're in. You're not talking about those things. That is dangerous. So, a lot of women unfortunately have distractions of high earning men. They have distractions of money and stuff like that and they are distracting themselves from the things that they have to heal. And by time they come to me and they chart has come across my desk. Their concerns has come across my desk. They are already damaged, severely damaged. And they always tell me what this person said this. You're talking to women who don't even live the type of lifestyle that you have and you're generalizing the message. How irresponsible is that? You got this this this man, this manipulated man who exploits that dependency that's in this woman who has learned helplessness and now he is dangling the money of her. So whenever she does not comply with something that he wants, he takes the money away from her until she's practically begging him back and saying, "I will comply." Whenever she resists something, she doesn't want to deal with the abuse. She doesn't want to deal with the neglect. She wants to speak up about it. You're not giving her the intimacy. You're not there emotionally. You're not doing anything relationally. You're not being social. Whenever she raises that concern, then she has to be met with that, "Oh, I'mma take this away from you." She's on punishment because she resists something that she does not like. But it's because the dating advice online has told her to minimize a man's character and only focus on the money and the lifestyle that he can provide without talking about the dangers of that. Now you have women online saying, "I can't survive without him." It was a young lady. I literally just heard it. I I saw a clip that came through. I'm not going to say her name, but she's a famous young lady. And I I I saw just like a clip that she was talking about, and I went down a rabbit hole to see exactly what it was cuz I saw the comments. I said, "Well, what happened?" And then I go and see what she endured, the cheating and all the women and stuff like that. And she said, "I can't live without him. I can't make it without him." Cuz she created a life based on his income, but it did not change his character. And she's suffering. I saw that baby. It was a cry out. But she's she's made herself believe in everything else that she's heard that this is a lifestyle she got to have. And then when I looked into her past, I realized she came from nothing almost. Did not have a a a mother figure, a father figure. Her and her mother stayed into it bad. Those type of men know you ain't going to leave them. They just got to keep on buying you gifts. Keep the lifestyle up. Keep the money rolling in. Make sure you got a roof over your head and you good until you're not good. Until it has damaged you psychologically and spiritually till it has broken you down and even physically until you're not good. It sounds good in theory, but it's not always good long term. If you grew up in poverty, you've probably learned that money solves everything. So therefore, you're going to cling to the dating advice that tells you to find a six-f figure man. If you came up in a household where your mama carried everything alone, you're going to look online at dating advice for a shortcut. How can I find a shortcut to make sure that I never struggle again? And then somebody online is going to tell you, find you a six-figure man, sis. Money will never cure helplessness. Not in a person who has the money who is helpless or not in a person who is using money from somebody else as their salvation and stability. It will not cure helplessness. Helplessness and money just simply don't go hand in hand. They don't go well together. Money cannot cure what only God and healing and growth and therapy can cure.
There's a a movie I'm sure y'all know it's media's family reunion and I think the the woman's name is Lisa if I'm not mistaken and the husband's name is Carlos. Y'all probably seen it if you haven't. Go take a look. It's I don't like movies like that. But I do remember that conversation and I believe she came from some type of dysfunction cuz I believe that was revealed later on in the movie between her, her sister, and her mom. But she was a really pretty girl and I think her mom just kind of like came up on a ladder with beauty and stuff like that. But her mom used her and she was in a very abusive relationship. The Carlos husband that she had, he was abusive. He was controlling. He was manipulative. But he had money. He had status. He had the lifestyle that her mother wanted for her. And so she kept on making excuses. She stayed and endured the abuse cuz she has a lifestyle. The house was nice. She was good. Was even considering walking down the aisle. And a mama was in her head cuz that mom came from helplessness. It was obvious she came from a life of helplessness. And she ended up putting that into her daughter as well. She end up forcing her daughter to believe that same thing that the only way that you can be saved is so long as you be with a man who has money. Don't worry about the fact that he's beating you. Put on some makeup. Girl, you got the money, you got the lifestyle, you good, you financially secure. And in order to keep the peace, she told herself that I just got to adjust to some things. I just got to tiptoe, but I need to be quiet because I will never have a life like this. Won't nobody else have no money like this. This is my only shop, my only way out. My mama's going to be good. I'm going to make sure that she straight. She going to have furs and everything else and I'll just endure what I have to endure. Helplessness. You also got Minister Society. Y'all know Minister Society, right? Ronnie and Kane. Y'all know the Minister Society. Y'all know that movie. It's a 90s movie. You got Ronnie who was trying to get out of the life that she was in. She was trying to get out of the ghetto. She was trying to get out the hood. She was trying to make something better for her life and her kid and and and all of that. Even her dude. And she was constantly telling Kane that. And she was like, "We got to go." And Kane was hesitating. He was like, "I don't really know about that, man. I've been living this my whole life. I've been selling drugs. I've been doing this. I've been slanging. I've been living this hood life my whole life. And then you telling me you want to up and leave. And he had the chances to leave, but he hesitated. There was resistance because he couldn't come out of the mindset. He couldn't come out of the mindset. He ended up dying in the movie. It was too late. He couldn't get out of the mindset. If he didn't have that mindset, he would have left. She probably was operating in that mindset for a while as well. She stayed there for a good time in her life until one day she woke up and she was like, "I got to get out of this. I can't stay in this. It's just getting progressively worse. This ain't going to help us get nowhere. We all going to be in the same thing. My child going to end up losing their life. My child going to end up being in the streets doing the same thing. Ain't nothing going to change. It's until you get tired of it. It's until you realize that it ain't going to be no handouts. Ain't nothing going to change. If you want something better, you got to get up and get it. But if you succumb to your circumstances and your environment, as a lot of people do, and a lot of people who have learned helplessness succumb to their environment and they're looking for somebody to save them. You saw that in Four Color Girls, The Color Purple, Precious. You see the same thing across these movies. If you go and watch them, you will see the helplessness that I am talking about. Just because a person does not have six figures does not mean that they are not good character. It does not mean that they cannot provide for you. If you are in the room with people who have six figures and stuff like that, good for you. Go ahead and do what it is that you need to do. But you don't need to be having conversations with people who are not in those rooms online. People who are barely scratching 30, $40,000 a year, that ain't the conversations you need to be having with them. They may very much so have a quality man who makes 70 $80,000 a year, but he has the best character, best quality, can create a secure life more than financial security. They really can feel good. Just because a man can buy you flashy things doesn't mean you are getting princess treatment. The princess treatment is when you don't have to worry about anything. not carrying your bags, not worrying about things you got to fix in the house, not worrying about putting gas in your car, not worrying about who gonna do the yard and stuff. You got food in your house. They sitting at the table teaching your children stuff. They teaching you new things. You out there learning. Y'all are creating memories together because they not always on a road. They don't always have to be in the club mixing and mingling with other women and stuff like that. You got it. That's real princess treatment. That's real queen treatment. That's the real wealth. That's the real richness in life is to have somebody who takes their time with you, who doesn't use their money to get you to comply, is to have somebody who loves you, who nurtures you, not just financially. They nurture you emotionally. They help you be in a sound mind. They show up every single day. You don't got to worry about nothing. We going to devalue a man's character and reduce his character simply because he doesn't make six figures. Sometimes it's not your conversation to be in. I know some amazing couples, people who've been married for a long time and they are so happy. Skin glowing, yards green, good children happy. Pictures up the wall. Memories buou children happy. no therapy, no none of that because they good. Don't let society fool you. A lot of these women who are with men who have six figures are not being treated well. Some of them are. There's one girl I know for a fact. She she good, but she that's that's rare. She good, but that's rare. A lot of the men who make those type of dollars are are taken. Not saying that you can't have it, but be realistic. What percentage of men really have six figures? I want you to just take the time cuz we outnumber the men. We do. We outnumber the men. You never know exactly who God is going to have for you. You never know. It may be a man with outstanding character. the trauma that you have endured. God may be looking at your trauma and saying, "I have the perfect person for you. I got the right person for you who can come in and speak to that broken child. I got the right person who can come in and help you through that healing. I got a vessel and you going to turn down that vessel because they don't make six figures. Stop playing with me. Stop playing with me." And y'all wondering why the suicide rate for men is higher than women. Y'all are wondering why men are so angry because they can't have a voice. You have reduced them and their value and their worth simply to how much money they make. And you are wondering why they're frustrated, why they're angry, or why they going across seas, and why they became passport bros because they're not appreciated over here. It's about character and mindset more than the money. If he has character with a great mindset, he can make the money cuz his character can keep him in some great rooms. His character can put him in some great rooms. Y'all are ready to hear that conversation. But that's my take for today, y'all. I hope y'all enjoyed the message. If you new here, go ahead and subscribe to the channel, baby. Y'all know what it is. Y'all love these real conversations, right? Absolutely. But make sure that you all like and share the video and leave your thoughts in the comments below. I love you, honey, sugar baby, darlings, cupcakes, whatever it is I call you. Bye, babies.