Transcription
What's going on everybody? It's Kevin Hines. I hope you will watch this chapter of Stay Alive, our suicide prevention film, to hear my personal story when I was feeling alone and like a burden to everyone around me. I did indeed jump off the Golden Gate Bridge in attempt to die by suicide. But thankfully, I survived. And I have had lessons learned over this lifetime that can benefit everyone who is in pain. Mental, physical, emotional, spiritual. It's about finding that unconditional love, that caring empathy. And I hope you watch or click here.
I'm going to try something with you Rayko. Okay, I'm a mess. No, you're gonna-- this is a five tissue question. Wo trust me on this one. So I'm going to tell you an anecdote and then tell me if you can relate to it. So years ago there was a woman that I was mentoring and she-- she's a force of nature. Just-- she's an amazing performer. She gets all kinds of things done. And I think she's running towards things, but she's running away from something. So if you know that energy, that sometimes when you just feel a lot of energy. She seemed to be running towards something but there's a part of you that's running away from something. So I was with her and I said, "I know something. I know what you're most afraid of," I said, "You're not afraid of criticism, judgment or being controlled. You don't like those, but you're pretty defended against them, because you deal with them every day." And I said, "You know, what you're really afraid of?" And she goes, ,"What? And I said, "What you're really afraid of is being unconditionally, emotionally, psychologically safe and loved. And there's nothing you can do to earn it. And there's nothing you can do to lose it." And she looked at me and she (sighs) and she collapsed on the couch. She started crying and just cried for about five minutes. And then she got up and I said, "What was that about?" She said-- she said, "You just hit a nerve." She said-- she said "I've never known that. I don't know what it's like to feel unconditionally, emotionally, psychologically safe and loved. And I don't have to do anything for it." And she said, "And the pain-- and the pain of not having it. The pain of sweeping all the things under the rug. That I, as a little girl, I couldn't cope with. Because I was just a little girl. And I didn't have the right parents." She said, "You just-- you just." She says, "I don't know what you just did."
But can you relate to anything? Yeah my mother is my role model. She-- we used to have everything and we lost everything. It's, you know, it's such a broad-brush way to say it. But it's-- it's what happened to us. And she's such a strong person, like a samurai, you know, very stoic. You know, Japanese strong person. She was the person that never gave up on me. And one thing about my a -- I'm sure you can relate with you- get so tired of trying to keep her happy. She says that she is so happy when I'm happy. You know, parents would say that. But I still, even coming from my mother, who unconditionally, supposedly unconditionally, loves me, I don't believe it. it took me a long time, but I have an unconditional love from God. There are so many things that I did were so wrong That I-- you know, one time my mentor at my church said, "You know, if you think there are bigger sins that you've committed that Christ can't forgive, then you're being arrogant." I never heard anybody put it like that. And I just thought that-- that's when I realize, you know, then I have to surrender. Yes, I'm forgiven. But in this earth I feel I am never good enough for my mother, for all that she has done for me. And so Christ sacrificed for me ,I feel like I have to keep trying and trying and trying hard. And I think it's coming from the, you know ,challenged self-worth. I'm getting better. I am getting better. Good. I am. But I there's a time where I just have so little to none self-worth.
So I'm-- so I'm gonna help you with that right now. Okay. Look at me. Ok, I am. "I'm Your Mother. You hate feeling that you disappointed me or you were burden to me. And you feel like you'll ,you know, you can never make that good. And here's what you need to know. You were never a disappointment or a burden. You were a responsibility and until you have children you will not know the difference. You know, if you were the neighbors ,maybe you would have been a disappointment. But you're my daughter and your a responsibility and that's what family's about. So you're not a burden.I love having the responsibility of you as my daughter. And as far as a disappointment, you're not that either. In fact, I'm amazed. And-- and if you dwell on this. And you're beating yourself up with it. And think you're still a burden, put a sock in it." Can you take that in? You think she'd agree with that?
You know, anybody who's watching this, that's an important distinction. Because Kevin can relate to this. One of the things that most people who feel suicidal feel, they feel like they're a burden. And they feel like the world's lying to them. You know I'm a burden. You know I'm a worry. You know I'm a- a concern. A failure. Or failure. And if you don't tell me that I'm a burden ,then you make me paranoid. Because-- because you must think I'm a burden. And so what happens is, part of people get suicidal is, if I'm such a burden, I'm gonna relieve the world of me. And what we have to realize with family, and again finding the family that actually loves you. And you're really blessed to have family-- have a family that does, that you're-- that you're adopted into or that you start out with. And it's really true. I'm a father of three kids and I'll tell you-- they're-- none of them are a burden. But they're a huge responsibility and they drive me freaking nuts. But I love the heck out of them and I would be lost. Life wouldn't be the same. Well there you go, life wouldn't be the same. Thanks for channeling me.