Transcription
Hello, son. Hi, mom. I hope you're doing well. Yes, everything is great. Come back soon, I miss you so much. Yes, I will definitely come. I love you so much, my dear boy. And I love you too, mom. Bye.
Hello, son. I hope you're doing well. Come back soon, I miss you so much. I love you very much, son.
What is your happiest memory from your childhood? Most of humanity has a hard time answering this question, as well as remembering moments from their early years. It is often linked to traumatic childhood events and domestic violence to which nearly half of the world's children are exposed. And it includes both the use of force and any manifestation of psychological pressure, insulting, manipulating, and devaluing the child. Our brain prefers not to remind us of such moments, but it never forgets them and builds our personality based on them. Our parents mold us into who we will be for the rest of our lives, and this includes negative attitudes, complexes, and even who we will love and exactly how we will be used.
In this video, we talk about how parents shape our personality, why separation is necessary, what to do with toxic parents, and how your mom is dooming you to unhappy love. And how to fix it so you don't ruin your life.
With life, including you and dad, and I keep. When a child is born, the first people they come into contact with are their parents. They become like gods to us, and their scripts transform into the blueprints of our future. And that is why a large part of humanity is emotionally unhealthy, foolish, or unstable.
How do children's traumas shape our inner selves? Our formation is divided into several stages.
Childhood stage up to age 3. During this period, we learn attachment, establishing a close emotional bond with parents or caregivers. And we learn to recognize and express basic emotions: joy, anger, fear, and sadness.
Preschool stage covers ages up to 5 years. In this stage, we cultivate essential social skills, acquire the ability to regulate our emotions, and control our impulses effectively.
In school age, up to 12 years old, we begin to understand more complex emotions and learn to recognize them in other people. Due to interaction with peers and the surrounding world, our emotional intelligence is formed. We learn to build friendly alliances and resolve conflicts.
In a more expensive way, from 12 to 18 we are forming our identity and independence. And if at any stage something goes wrong, or if any of the crucial stages are skipped, it can significantly impact social adaptation and communication with people, potentially leading to complexities and challenges. But development does not stop there; it continues throughout life. Intelligence and personality are flexible and evolving, but it is during this period, especially from 0 to 10 years old, that our foundation is laid. And parents play a crucial role here.
In childhood, a child's developing psyche may not comprehensively grasp the reasons behind their stress, prompting tears or tantrums as a way to alleviate the overwhelming emotions they feel. Parents serve as guides, talking to the child, explaining everything to him, and modeling his behavior. Then the maturation will proceed calmly, and the person will grow up mentally healthy. Best case scenario is considered.
Some people don't do this right. For example, if your parents scolded you for tears and screams, and instead of trying to establish a dialogue and explain this emotion to yourself, everything was resolved by punishment or shouting, then, as an adult, you are more likely to be ashamed of your emotions. You will be ashamed of tears and find it difficult to explain your feelings, or you will suppress them. On the contrary, if tears were what drew the parent's attention to the child and much was forgiven and given for them, then the child will learn to manipulate with them.
Surely you have encountered such people, or you are one yourself, when in conflict with a partner, a person resolves everything not through dialogue, but through offense, silence, and avoidance of conversation, because their parents ingrained in them that expressing such emotions is inappropriate, and in conflicts they feel unable to assert their own opinions. Either resolves the conflict with tears, because in childhood he was comforted and soothed for it.
It is through understanding and experiencing emotions, the intricate interplay of feelings that influence our behavior, shaping responses to life's challenges, conflicts, and social interactions. And at this same tender age, our perceptions of the world, trust in it, feelings of security, attachment style, and even our future sexuality begin to take shape and influence our development.
Parents, especially mothers, play a vital role in shaping a child's life. They provide a sense of security, comfort, and stability that are essential for a child's well-being. But if they have anxiety disorders and are very detached from the child or ignore his emotions, the child is more likely to experience emotional and behavioral problems as they age, which can impact their overall well-being and social development.
Our self-image, whether positive or negative, and our perception of the world, including whether to trust it, are strongly influenced by how an adult meets a child's needs and interacts with them, shaping their outlook on life. If not, there will be a lot of stress and little trust in life, especially with future partners.
Parents are our primary educators, imparting language and vital social skills. The impact of each parent differs slightly based on gender, shaping our development significantly.
For boys, their mother is the first woman with whom they establish close relationships. And these relationships shape their perception of female behavior and expectations from future romantic partners. The father plays a crucial role in molding the boy's perception of masculinity, guiding him in developing social skills and fostering self-assurance, which are vital for his growth.
Girls have the same thing, only the opposite gender. Mothers play a crucial role in nurturing social skills, teaching empathy, and guiding emotional development. On the other hand, fathers set the initial example for male behavior and shape their perception of future men.
The Oedipal phase typically occurs between the ages of 3 and 5 in a child's development. During this period, children's attitude towards the parent of the opposite sex takes on a romantic hue. They start a court or attempt to impress their passionate love interest and develop a sense of competition with their same-sex parent, seeking validation and attention. The purpose of the phase is to experience defeat and turn towards a peer in terms of social and romantic interaction. Realize that parents are parents first and foremost, not romantic objects. And usually, this transitional stage passes quickly.
But it is precisely how our parents interact with each other, with the world and people around them, as well as with us children, that will become the template for our behavior. Who we will love, what temperament we will have, what kind of relationships we will build.
If we got along with our parents, it will lead to the development of healthy trust and attachment. If a parent showed emotional instability, lacked love, and failed to provide support, children may develop avoidant or anxious attachment styles affecting their relationships.
There is even an expression: we are looking for partners similar to our parents. If we have seen love and care, we will seek something similar. If we witness violence and hatred, we ourselves will either become victims of abuse or abusers. Because it is a familiar concept to us.
However, not all families are complete. In single-parent households, approximately 16 percent of children worldwide reside, and more than 30 percent of all children in Russia, and in some regions even more than half. With a competent approach, for example, a mother can replace or partially compensate for the absence of a father in upbringing. However, this situation is still not quite normal.
Girls without fathers may experience difficulties with boys, or develop hatred, or avoid relationships if, for example, the father left the family or was a tyrant. A son of a well-bred mother may inherit her refinement, but could also struggle with assertiveness, self-reliance, and independence, leading to challenges in personal relationships.
Therefore, if something is missing in your relationship, you constantly feel jealous for no reason and expect betrayal from your partner, or God forbid you resort to violence yourself. The issue is likely not with the partner, but with you and your unresolved childhood issues that make you feel threatened and unstable from the outside world, and your psyche, at the cost of jealousy and other emotions, constantly strives to maintain control over the situation and the familiar sense of safety you are used to.
We are shaped by our parents, but it is important to remember that while they play a significant role in our development, children also have the right to enjoy their childhood and autonomy in making decisions, particularly regarding their future career. Everyone desires for it to be promising, greatly sought after, and above all, highly esteemed in the job market.
IT professions are the highest paid. The average salary is a hundred sixty-eight thousand rubles. For instance, the product management direction is essential for the success of any business. Every company relies on creating websites, devices, or applications to thrive. The product team serves as the entrepreneurial force within the organization, guiding products from conception to market launch with strategic vision and innovation. You can master the profession of a product manager or acquire skills. Skills to start your own startup at the country's leading technical university, MIPT, which together with Skill Factory, has opened enrollment for an online master's program whereby the end of your studies, you will have a ready portfolio of 10 projects from VK, SberBank, Amazon, Beline, and a diploma from Goso Bros. MyPT offers fully online training with student benefits like army deferment. Government support makes the first year cost 342 rubles per month. Focus is on practical learning with dedicated teachers. And MyPTen experts from Tinkoff, will share their theory and experience. All these strategies will help you find a new promising job faster, or successfully launch your startup project. Because MFT has its own accelerator, Fistik Idea. Extra chances will be available. For implementation? Own projects in progress. The set is already underway, so submit your application and gain access to free preparatory courses and engaging events. Join us today from MFT. Click on the link in the description. Or QR code on the screen.
And they also forget about the right to become a person and not adult for their parents to order around, telling us who to be, who to learn from, and how to live. Parents shape us either with love and well-being. Uncertainty, guilt, or resentment may be felt, and self-hatred can manifest in various forms, yet ultimately converging into one cohesive definition: toxic parents.
They come in different types. Parents who are inadequate with unhealthy mental states and disorders, alcoholic parents (it's all clear here), perfectionist parents who heavily control their children and blame them for failures, competitive parents who unconsciously fear that their child will surpass them and therefore devalue their children's achievements, disappearing type. When parents, on the contrary, ignore you. You are indifferent to them, or they may disappear from your life altogether. Emotional and physical abusers. They rarely combine several different types at once.
They are all unstable. The child does not understand why his environment changes so often. Why does his drunk father first yell at him, hit him, and then unexpectedly hug and show love to him? Any behavior, especially negative, if a child does not have a positive, brighter example to follow, will likely become the norm for him. He will either become like that, or will seek out, emulate, or tolerate such behavior in the future. If a child sees good, he will copy it; sees evil, likewise. If he is beaten or insulted, beliefs are formed that he deserves it. He is an abuser for his parents, love can come through violence, or violence is considered a normal part of daily life and relationships, leading to a perpetuation of harmful cycles. As luck would have it, as they say.
If a child is overprotected, the belief arises that he is helpless, needs to be controlled, and the person will remain infantile and dependent. And, as a rule, such people are completely unable to manage money. Children need recognition for their achievements to value their accomplishments. And as adults, they may unintentionally destroy or reject those dreams. We'll be afraid to strive for something new and high. Embarking on new ventures entails self-sabotage risk. When a person procrastinates, they often end up wasting precious time and potential by avoiding tasks that need attention, ultimately hindering their own progress. Although everything is hidden in a child's setting.
When a parent is not involved in raising a child at all, the child will feel unnecessary in life. And there, in addition to imposter syndrome, clinical depression will also develop. And the most destructive case is sexual violence, which is considered to be a sexual act. It causes one of the most destructive effects on the psyche and triggers the development of mental disorders, including post-traumatic or schizophrenic disorders.
But things that may seem ordinary to some can also influence the formation of sexuality. This is a discussion of parents' intimate life with a child and should not be confused with appropriate sexual education. This is being half-naked near a child, especially a parent of the opposite sex. Not concealing sexual acts from a child, whether done in front of them or accidentally witnessed, is referred to as absent concealment. Early exposure to pornographic material is significant. Sexual violence can either break a child's spirit or shatter their perception of their own sexuality, profoundly impacting how their arousal patterns develop in the future. He may fear or avoid sex, lacking arousal and facing physical and sexual violence, often a result of traumatic experiences in his formative years.
The goal of toxic parents is essentially one: to make you dependent on them. They might not realize it fully. Perhaps they are doing this, in their opinion, with good intentions, but the ungrateful child does not understand them. After all, you rely on them, so there's no way you'll abandon them.
Some parents may resort to manipulation, prohibitions, and ultimatums in their upbringing methods. "I am no longer your mother, I will not listen to you, I will take away your phone, I will not give you money." This way, I establish control over you and manipulate your beliefs, making you feel indebted and unworthy of anything. And then you will start encountering difficulties in expressing love, developing trust, and nurturing relationships.
And if your parents did not give you enough attention and devalued you, you will endlessly seek support from others and react sharply to criticism. And you may even start to resent other individuals because they possess what you lack, leading to feelings of inadequacy.
Describing the influence of each type on a child's psyche can take hours. Especially since each case is different, but the result is always the same. A child living in uncomfortable conditions gets used to them and builds their whole life according to this scenario. Either he copies behavior, starting from drinking, partying, and other things he saw in childhood, or he feels danger and threat from the world and his partner, unconsciously even destroying his relationships according to a parental script. He enters into an unhappy marriage, ignores certain aspects he was accustomed to in childhood, treats his child the way he was treated, or leaves the family.
The brain adapts to discomfort, and anxiety can feel like a default setting since it was developed in that environment. This natural state can influence our responses and perceptions. If not properly addressed and managed, this situation can give rise to a person's inability to effectively fulfill their needs, manage their behaviors and emotions, and at times, simply continue to exist. Any mistakes in upbringing almost inevitably lead to long-term consequences. And unfortunately, we have to deal with these consequences.
And I have even encountered such a problem. Allow me to also kindly share my personal experience.
With life, including you and dad, and I keep. "When you fucking say for years that I am just like my father, that I will become just like him. So you sit there proving it. Stop telling me about the person who I have spent half my life, haven't seen it, don't want to know. What's the difference? Whether you want to or not, you're told, you behave the same way. And you start saying that you're being told something different! Don't you think this is a reaction to your actions and words? All of this!"
This is a record of one of our many arguments with my mom. We had been arguing for several years on various topics by that time: my education, my professional journey, and the memories we share. These recordings were made four years ago. Everything changed drastically, and I forgot about them completely. But then I began diligently documenting it in a journal to share with my mother, hoping to collaborate on resolving our errors and reducing conflicts. But then, we didn't understand each other at all, leading to confusion. I didn't understand why she was doing it, and she didn't understand why I wasn't listening to her. We simply didn't hear each other clearly.
I was born into a family of modest means. The parents were young, younger than I am now, and my mother still didn't realize that my father is not who he pretends to be. With my growing up, he started stealing, cheating, got hooked on gambling, took money from the family, and repeatedly beat me and my mom even harder in front of my own eyes. With age, the problems only increased, and then there was a divorce. I lived with my mom, but was puzzled by the family's breakup for some time. It was an equally traumatic experience for both my mom and me, impacting us deeply.
I started to grow up. I began to have youthful maximalism; interests and activities appeared. Lack of understanding led to lack of support. We started to argue often about different topics, which often touched on my vision of the future. And often in these quarrels, there were hurtful mentions of my father, whom by the time of my teenage years I knew enough about and strongly hated, creating a rift in our relationship. He is an unhealthy person, but what annoyed me the most were the constant comparisons with him. Because I am nothing like my father.
Now, through the prism of years, I understand that my mother wanted the best for me, but she was disappointed by past experiences, and I was a reminder of that past. That's why I always seem to end up in trouble. She tried her best to show concern for my future, even though her approach wasn't always perfect. I appreciated her effort to support me.
And all of this continued until I turned 19 years old, at which point I had already relocated. In this difficult situation, I was afraid that I might have to halt communication with her. Being near her, I felt discomfort and claustrophobia. I didn't want to spend time with her. I always found a reason to leave the house. And it was extremely difficult for me to tell her that I truly love her. It felt like a lump in the throat.
After finishing school and moving away, when arguments started happening from a distance, I realized that either I minimize communication with her, or we discuss everything like adults and stop dwelling on the past. I am sharing this because mistakes and problems are universal experiences. This remains my most traumatic experience, but it has thankfully passed.
My mom and I are now best friends, which is the most important thing. I love her very much, we talk about everything, travel together, and I always try to make an effort to visit her more frequently. Everything was resolved two years ago when I came for the weekend and decided to talk to her. I initiated the conversation by highlighting our unaddressed issues with one another. She was deeply hurt by my harsh and defensive words in support of my father, as I failed to grasp the full situation. She dreaded a recurrence of such misunderstandings in my future. But she didn't know how to protect me. I was deeply hurt and disappointed by her lack of support for my work, the ongoing arguments, and the hurtful words directed at me. We listened attentively to each other and openly asked for forgiveness. We made a mutual commitment to constantly learn from our past experiences, viewing them as valuable lessons that shape us as distinct individuals, fostering a bond of friendship and harmony. This approach ensures our past serves as a guide for unity, rather than division. I didn't try to fix her; I wanted us to accept each other as we are. And thanks to that open dialogue, it worked out great. After years of enduring arguments and hatred, they have finally ceased. After all, I couldn't live with the realization that my mom was my enemy. And I couldn't hold a grudge against her for several more years because this grudge was draining me. And it can be said that two years ago, on a positive note, my mom and I successfully completed the process of our separation.
What is separation and why is it so necessary in relationships? In simple terms, it is about separating from parents and gaining full independence. This does not mean that you should stop communicating with them or avoid them; it means to stop being dependent on them. When we are a child, our world and its security is shaped from and by our parents, and is held together only by them. But as we grow older, parents should take care of us less and less, giving us more space and independence. In this case, the process of separation will be relatively painless as the child gradually transitions into an independent and confident adult. He will not be afraid of the world around him, and will direct his energy towards achieving his goals, rather than trying to meet his parents' expectations. A person gains full autonomy, as a parent is first and foremost a separate individual from us.
But unfortunately, in an effort to shield their children, many parents tend to overly protect them, imposing numerous restrictions, encroaching on their personal space, setting high expectations, or conversely pampering them excessively. Separation may endure for an extended period. Parents should consider that a child needs independence and autonomy to learn from their mistakes and develop problem-solving skills. It is crucial to guide them in making their own decisions, particularly when it comes to shaping their future and fostering personal growth. And if parents interfere with this, the child will have to complete the separation on their own.
It is necessary to start thinking about your future career and forming your independence already in adolescence. Begin part-time work and save money to achieve financial independence from parents. Introduce more independent leisure activities, hobbies, and interests into your life that bring you fulfillment and joy, rather than just focusing on pleasing your parents. And if possible, move out after reaching adulthood to accelerate the process of your maturation. But each case is unique, and this requires a detailed self-analysis. After all, if there is a problem hidden in you, then its solution probably lies within you. But only you yourself can find out. To do this effectively, you must master the art of responding to questions and actively listening to your own voice, ensuring accuracy in your approach.
Two years ago, I collaborated with psychologists to create a list of practical questions that helped me solve many problems in my head. Explain and correct my complexes, forgive loved ones for the past and childhood, and heal emotional wounds. Since then, more than a thousand people have used this guide, and to this day, they continue to write me words of gratitude, emphasizing that it has been very effective. Support the channel and similar video creation while benefiting from it. Get exclusive access to practices, courses, and chats for a thousand rubles. Use the promo code for a 20 percent discount on the first month. Check the description for more details. Consider this my Boosty or Patreon, just made and useful for you. Discover the answers you've sought for so long there. And become part of a large and growing self-development community. And the link to join is in the description.
And if a person did not separate or did it incompletely, then he will face many problems in life. People like that behave like children. They are very anxious, sensitive, and irresponsible. They find it difficult to make independent decisions and rely on the choices of others. They are unable to set goals for themselves, let alone build happy relationships. You will always be looking for someone to compensate for what is missing from your parents, turning relationships into codependent and toxic ones. Due to our current issue, we are seeking a partner not for their distinct qualities, but rather a doll to simply meet our requirements. You can search for love and search for yourself for years, but everything will be unsuccessful if the problem is not solved.
Before talking to my mom about it, I was consistently in relationships, but there was always a sense of emptiness for me. I didn't feel complete both without a partner and with one, and I constantly craved female attention. I consumed this passionate love, but I was not fully satisfied with it, as the absence of maternal affection left me wanting. After receiving support and forgiveness from my mom, a burden was lifted from my soul, bringing relief. And now, I want not just to fleetingly feel love. I desire to cultivate deep, meaningful relationships by merging two distinct personalities into a harmonious and lasting union.
Separation involves more than just physical relocation. It also entails gaining autonomy. This is a mental state. This is perceiving one's parent as a separate individual with their own issues and independence from them. This is primarily about not holding grudges and resolving childhood trauma, even if your parents are the most toxic parents of all parents. It's crucial to address these issues to heal and move forward in a positive, healthy way.
How to fix what has already happened? It should be understood that complexes and beliefs are not with us forever. They can change or completely disappear as you transform yourself. You can change your reactions and behavior by analyzing old patterns and attitudes. To become freer, you need to let go of your parents and resentment towards them. Separate yourself from them in your head and stop expecting their approval when you don't get it, even if it results in minimizing if the parent continues to violate your personal boundaries as an adult, or stopping communication altogether with them, if a parent makes your life worse and is not a suitable person. Resentment is like a splinter that will continue to hurt even if the person who caused it is not around you. And to live easily, you need to finally get rid of it.
First of all, remember: do not try to change the past and your parents. Most critical error made. If they refuse self-change, it's crucial. Your parents are living this life for the first time, just as you are. They are the same traumatized and inhibited children. You are offended because you offended them. You are being beaten because you beat them. Understanding the cause and effect behind actions does not excuse them. They were not taught otherwise. The best thing we can do for our parents who were toxic, mean, did not love or support us, or simply made a mistake, is to learn from their shortcomings and choose to be better versions of ourselves. Compromise with others, like adults, seeking common ground. And try to become friends with them. Stop blaming them, because the responsibility for your adult life and future now lies solely on you. And accept the past as a useful, albeit thorny lesson, so that the cycle of violence and aggression stops with you and does not transfer to your children.
Parents are like gods to children, shaping their world. We must remember that our actions can impact them deeply, just as our childhood experiences shaped us. And if a parent wants to change, let them do it, either by looking at your example, or through a direct and adult dialogue with you. But if a person is not inclined to communicate, then change the settings in your head.
First of all, get rid of beliefs like, "I owe my parents." Having a child is a personal decision. We are not obligated to owe anyone anything. Lack of help and love is not the issue. Understand this correctly. Accept that you and your parents are different people with different destinies, desires, and shortcomings, simply connected by blood. Create healthy boundaries, confidently defend them, and don't hesitate to say no. Take full responsibility for shaping the future, and learn to give yourself what you truly lacked.
All people are driven by the need for love, so learn to give it to yourself with care. Praise yourself, take care, and improve your life. Think about what you would like your parents to do for you. And do the same for yourself. Show some self-care.
Not all events are solely due to parental influence. Childhood traumas can arise from life experiences that are unrelated. Anyway, the remedy for this is forgiveness and gratitude. Blame your childhood, not your parents, relatives, or friends for life outcomes. Everyone can make mistakes, can do wrong things occasionally. Someone was once traumatized, and they don't know what to do about it. And he doesn't know that he has harmed you. We are all just grown-up children.
Form your independence from the opinions and misunderstandings of your parents. Don't hesitate to express your feelings to your parents if you feel offended or hurt by what they say or do. But also don't forget to listen to them in response. Learn to have a meaningful dialogue. Learn to eloquently speak. Despite sharing a common language, our communication resembles that of strangers. Lack of communication knowledge. Do not make your parents your enemies. And let go of your past in order to finally live in the present. Forgive all the mistakes that were made and move forward. Change your attitude towards them to positively impact your present and future outcomes. Appreciate what you possess. Thank yourself. Stop harming yourself with enmity, hatred, and resentment. And start living. Let the past memories stay in the past. Begin a fresh chapter in your life's journey. Avoid spending energy on resentment and anger. Do not waste your precious energy that could be spent on happiness, positivity, and love. The key reminder is crucial: It's never too late to speak up, just as it's never too late to fix what was once broken.
I love you, mom.