Cycle of Feeling Unworthy

Hey, Dad. Um, so I recently made a So, um, I decided to change my position of where I was. So, so today is May the 19th. And um I sent I believe actually on April 22nd I believe I think. Yeah. Um the I sent I made a video as far as my two I mean my six month update. However, I would like to this to go first. And I'm g send this and then this to go first. And I would like this to be watch first. And I'm going try very hard not to have this but for so long. Um to try to get everything out and um as as much as I can because it's a lot to really uncover. And um so where we at? Where why why am I making this video? So I'm going to start from yesterday or why I'm making this video today. Um I have told you in the previous videos whether it is with that. So you know I have six children. Five of my six, we go to church faithfully. Um, have our own relationship with God and everything else. And I have been in a stuck place for a while. And I could not understand why I was in a stuck place. and I'm pushing and I'm and I'm I'm getting the word and I see in areas where you know like it's it's things happening my kids is is was thriving in God but there's something there and I couldn't understand what it was. I thought it was maybe because what my husband's doing which I I'm not going to go into that because that is in the other video. So you can listen to that and I come back. But it was just something that's like I can't go as far into guys as I want and I know that I can and I see my kids in the same way to a degree. However, at the same time people be like because my kids are so young and they so into God. I mean literally, you know, Emmanuel came to me on Saturday was like, "Mom," you know, cuz while he was cleaning, he was listening to the word and, you know, he came downstairs. It's like, "Oh, mom, read first Corinth Corinthians 6 cuz the guy, this pastor, he was saying this and that and the other." And like he really was speaking to me and I was sitting up here trying to figure out, you know, and now I got it, but I need to go on a fast because I want to make sure that I can hear God. Like I feel like I need to go on uh go on a fast, you know, because, you know, I I want to be clear. I want to make sure that I'm right. And my son is 13. This is not me telling him anything. This is not He coming to me with this. My daughter Jennifer reads the Bible a little better than I do. She She makes sure she does it every not a little bit cuz she does it every single day. I I have went a couple days, weeks, and only open the Bibles on Tuesday, Friday, and Sunday. Um, but she does it every single day. My daughter, you know, Angela at May was twin is in her word. And mom, I need a Bible. I need a Bible. I need a Bible. We went to the mountain. She got a Bible and writing notes every day. and the one don't was you know as much as Tuesday Friday and don't want to skip a beat called me Friday and was like mom I get out of pract practice 5:30 if I catch the bus I'm going to get there at 7:30 don't leave I'm going to get home at 7:30 don't leave me cuz I want to go to prayer so it's so I had five out of six but it still was something missing and I understood that it was a lot cuz there's a lot going on in my house And I don't want to cry on here. So, I'm going to try. I don't want to cry, but there still was something that's keeping us in stacking in place. And I felt it, but I didn't know how to deal with it. And I don't know how to explain it or articulate it to the people I need to articulate it to. And so yesterday we had there was two services. We have a regular morning service and then one of the um apostles that we love so dearly uh was having a counter worship night. And we love we love encounter nights. um me and my children, we love it. And so she actually had it um it was Saturday and Sunday at 4:00. However, Saturday was our anniversary. I wasn't sure we were doing something. It just wasn't going to happen. So, we definitely knew that we was going to do it after church yesterday. And we did. We went. And when we went, we had an encounter with the Lord and there was a altar call and we all went up. My kids went up before I did, but we all went up and that's when I got the answer and which is why I'm making this video today.

In that first video that I sent you, I said, and if I'm looking up, cuz like I said, I don't want to really cry, right? I don't want to cry right now. I've been crying. I look crazy, but I've been crying all night. I've been crying since we left the service. My kids been crying. I've been crying all day today. in before like during like in between work. Um I was just got finished crying just now before I started this video and just and I'm going I have a lot more to cry and I'm not not going to I don't want to cry in this video cuz I don't want to take make this video longer than it is because I'm crying and I'm sure once I get off this video and be done I'm going to cry and I know for sure I am. When I sent you the video, the first video that I want you to heal is because when we don't heal, we hurting our children. And before and um I mean when we don't do everything that we need to do to heal, it really affects our children. It affects the generation. You have five generations and affects the five generations because it's you're producing generation of non-healing, you know. So if you if you're still holding on to forgiveness then you producing after your own kind of of forgiveness of bitterness, anger, frustration, abandonment, fear, anxiety, insecurity, low self-esteem. And the list can go on, right? And so, which is why I've been trying to fighting so hard because I got six generation. Six. That's not a little bit. That's a lot. And I didn't learn how to heal. I didn't learn that from you. I didn't learn that from my mom. I didn't learn that. I had a great conversation with um your sister, Virginia. I'm Virginia and you know even her was like yeah I didn't learn this I didn't learn that and the fact that you are here learning that at such a young age is like amazing and I said I don't have no choice cuz I got six generations. I have three girls and I have three boys and I got to do this because if I don't then I have produced um generations of insecure being insecure and being have low self-esteem and um abandonment and bitterness and all these things. And so I've been dealing with a lot. There's a lot that I need to unpack, but I haven't unpacked everything because and it and this one thing my kids was prayed before yesterday before I was. It started off with Sammy and the things that was coming out as he was getting prayed for. It broke my heart. And then the next one was my was Isaiah and it was breaking my heart. what was being called out and then my daughter and it was like my heart just continued to break for my kids. There's so much. There was so much that and we that was there yesterday. My daughter Jennifer was not there because of the fact that she had to work. Had she not had to work, she would have done it. We found out last minute. So, she would have, you know, maybe like got someone to cover her shift or something like that. And um you know um but we um in the midst of being on the altar we released a lot and I was instructed like at least you got to release because if you don't like your kids won't be able to get healed there. It's a You have years worth of stuff that you haven't unpacked that you just you continue to keep moving. You sing and you you going to church. You doing this and you're doing that, but you're not you are not coming to God with I'm broken. My heart is broken. I'm hurting. Like there's pain here and allowing him to heal it. Like you don't come to him with the pain. You come to him with everything else, but you don't come to him with the pain. And she said, and as I was watching my kids, they said it's a lot there that they haven't released you. They you need an outlet. But how can they have an outlet if you don't? And so I am 38 and I grew up with not learning how to have a healthy outlet because there was no one that actually had a health outlet. Everybody that was supposed to be there to protect me, to to be there to teach me kept all their stuff inside and never released it. And I'm trying to do better. I'm trying to do different from mine cuz I understood the damage that that I have done. I'm I've been struggling as a wife and I've been struggling as a mother because all I know is to carry and hold everything inside and just keep it moving. But it hurt. It hurts. And then there's one thing that I haven't been dealt with that haven't because I feel like I can't really deal with it because no one's going to tell me the truth. No one's going to tell me the truth. But yet it affects me and and I'm realizing how much it affects my kids. This one thing, this one thing, this one thing is like the foundation of a lot of how I do things, of how I raise my kids, and of how I didn't realize how bad it it was until I saw my kids yesterday at the altar and and she said, "If you don't feel like you're worthy, that's why your kids I don't feel like that they're worthy because I don't feel like I'm worthy of anything. Not of people, especially not male factors. And I trying and I be pushing and I've been trying to to push my sisters to to make them feel like they worthy, but we don't feel like we're worth anything because we don't get the truth. Like why why was it so easy to not fight for us? Why if if it was supposed to have a relationship with us? Why are we the ones that have to do the fighting for to try to have a relationship and not and not you? Why did you not if you didn't know what to do? Why didn't you say my kids are worth fighting for? And so I'm going to do everything in my power and outside of my power because and I'm and I'm and I said this before. It's not like I'm not expecting us to be perfect. I'm not My kids don't expect me to be the perfect, but one thing my kids expect me to do because I say and I claim that I that I'm I love God and this and that. They expect me to go to him. I know that because that's one thing my son said to my when I told you in the other message I explained to you how my kids had wrote letters to their fathers to their father right not fathers but to and to express um to them what they feeling and my son said I feel I'm mad because you did not go to the people that can help you with your situation the right people. We're not talking about we talking about the right people in God. And I'm saying that because it's like one of the things the the foundation is of the way I feel and I govern and I move is like um I sent this before I went to the mountains. Um, I made the second one. I said it before. I went to the mountains. We went to the mountains. Um, that last weekend of April. And when I went to the mouse that first night, I was talking to one of my girls at church. And I was we was up to like at least three when I left out her cabin and went to mine's. And that's on because we had prayer and sick. So, we knew we need to go to bed. And I didn't even go to bed for real for real. And um but she had this book that was called adult children of what is it? Emotionally Immature Parents. And when she showed me that book, I literally like was like in tears. and not right away, but we both was like in tears just crying because we both went through the a lot of the similar things. And one is the hard part is I was I'm just so angry of why I was more of an adult than all the adults are supposed to been adults in my life. Like how was I supposed how I'm supposed to know as a kid that you were supposed to protect me? And I'm not talking about not just in the physical room, but in the spiritual realm. And you didn't know. How do I know that you're supposed to seek him like never before for me, for my mother? I'm I don't blame I I I don't know if I said in the last one. I don't I don't I probably didn't because I think the first time I actually said it was Tuesday before the mountains when I told Stephanie. I don't I never blamed you for actually leaving. I blame my mother. I felt like she didn't want to push you away. However, however, how did I know and you didn't know to how to seek the Lord with everything that you have when it came to your decisions for us? And I think that's the foundation because I don't feel like I'm worth for any man to fight for. Like no. No. That's why I walked around thinking that I I know a man's job better than they do. I grew up saying that I had to be man. How I was a man because they don't even know what to do. They chose to. You chose to be in my life. My godfather chose to be in my life and he didn't even want to be a godfather. But he chose he could have said no. He could have said no. Every men choose to be in my life and they just don't protect me. They don't they don't fight for me. They feel like that I'm too much. And it's just and now and then I associate God in the same thing like he tells me I got you and and I'm still trying to figure it out on my own. He said I got you and the kids and I still try to figure it out on my own because no no male factor for real for real fight for me. They don't they don't they don't I mean I mean fight fight fight. I mean, yeah, she pushing me away, but she's worth me instead in in spite of her pushing me away, she's worth me fighting for. She's worth me changing for. She's worth me allowing you, God, to fix me, to heal me, to to do this for her. I don't see that. And I don't see it my I would do it for you. I have done it for you. I have done it, but who is it going to do for me? [Music] I'm here fighting. I'm here on the floor crying and um allowing God to do the surgery that he needs to do in me so that I can be there to be the person that I need to be to be the wife that I need to be to take accountability for the part that that I have played and but who's going to do it for me? I don't really know what that looks like cuz how why was it so easy for you to love somebody who wanted nothing to do with me or my sisters for you to say that was the best decision you ever made and she is what keep you the furthest away from us. How was that so easy? How was that the best decision that you ever made? And that's what we feel like. That's what I feel like. Like how like we're not if someone say I don't want you to have nothing to do with them and you like okay good let's go. How like what what is what why are we not worth fighting for? Why were we not worth saying no for? Why will we not work? Why were we not worth it? Why are we not worth you dropping everything for to make sure that we are good? Why are we not worth it? Why am I Why am I'm not worth it? And then so I get uh I um and I was thinking about that and I'm never I don't never say it. And so even when so even when my husband he it's like we always men always find somebody else that's not like me. So we must be too much. I must be too much. last year, last year, last October, you know, my birthday. And cuz I felt like this for a long time. I'm not because I've been treated like this. I'm not worth it. I have told you I've been, you know, been molested and raped and so many times. It doesn't matter. Um, that's and you know, um, and so I have decided to embrace that I'm too much. Like, don't be walking around mad about it. just embrace it because I've been told that even the with the I know even with me and you growing up like I have this um this year for God didn't just happen it's always been here but I know after a while I couldn't even continue to have this yearn as much as I have around you because it was then at least you become too much. You You know, it's not all It don't take all of that. But it did. And it took all that for me. It took all that and plus some for me. You don't know what it's like to see in the spirit every day, all day to hear. Nothing went past me. I was able to see a lot. That's why I'm saying I knew cuz I seen I seen what was going to happen. I seen you die. I see you I saw that at four. I saw that at five. I saw I saw it. That's why I'm the one who went to nine and asked her to please tell you to just seek God because if you don't, you're going to die. I saw it. I'm the I saw it and I pleaded and I cried cuz I knew you was going to hear me. I said every I saw what the people were saying to you, what the f your family members were saying and then the friends and everything else and it was all wrong. I said just seek him and ask him just lay at his feet and don't get up and until he and it's all wasn't going to stay like that. It wasn't going to stay there. But how did I know that and you don't know that? How come I was able to see that and you could not? I just got tired of being an adult. more of an adult, more spiritually aware than than the adults that was teaching me about him. It was frustrating. It was frustrating. Even my own mother like I got to fight her too. Is this not just her too? She did it too. Because I my pastor asked me why why did you why did you blame your mom? myself because she wasn't teachable. How do I know to be teachable and she didn't? We serve the same God. And if he told me that he's going to fix me first, why did he allow her to fix her first? Why does she not allow why she allow him to do it? That she wouldn't be pushing away. But then why didn't you seek God? Why didn't you seek him? Why didn't you really ask him like for real not go off for your own understanding or understanding of other people but under just because he's saying all thy g and get understanding like that's what the word says seek ye first in the kingdom of God and all the like we we keep be saying all these scriptures then when we was actually going to take care so I walked around Alisa you're too much you think too much about it you too much in God you this and you too much so I just hold on to stuff. I just keep holding on. I keep holding on. I keep holding it on. I don't say nothing. I keep it. I keep moving. I don't say nothing. I keep moving. I keep moving. I can't say nothing. I keep moving. I keep moving. I don't say anything. I don't let it go. But I in my mind, I keep thinking, Alisa, you're not worth it. The enemy keep telling me you're not worth it. See, remember your dad showed you that you're not worth it. You're not worth fighting for. You're not worth because at the end of the end of October, and I was serious. I said if I was only going to be in a relationship people who think that I'm worth being in a relationship for and they will think I'm worth being in a relationship for because they be the one to initiate a relationship with me. I was tired of being the one to do everything they need to do to fix the relationship. Especially with the male factors. I was just tired. I'm tired. How many times did you reach out to me? Did you reach out to me? How many times did you reach out even if I didn't call and answer? How many times you say look this is worth me do whatever I need to do so that we can like how many times can you count? So obviously I'm I say I'm not worth it and I learned to accept it. But then I didn't realize by me learning to accept that at least that you're not worth it and walking around that at least you're not worth being fought for. Even if I pushed away cuz you know what? And I'm saying this because Jesus himself pushed him away. One of the main reasons why I love him so much is because I pushed him away. When I talk about how he saved me from a 10 people, 10 men to run a train on me at 14 years old in that season. I was pushing him away every single day. I wanted nothing to do with him. But yet, he still had his hand of protection. He still intervened. Right. He still intervene. Why? Cuz cuz he loved me so much. He loved me so much. And he understood that. That I was worth fighting for. When he died, he said I was worth dying for. And no matter how much I pushed, no matter how much I pushed, and I did, I pushed him so far away, he still was right there. He still protected me then, he protected me after that. And he still was reaching out. He still was calling me. He still was telling me how much he loved me. He still not only was telling me, but he was showing me how much he loved me. And then when I finally had that encounter on that day in your house with your Bible and I just wasn't understanding why he loved me so much. I did not feel like I was worth his love and he told me but I love you anyway. He poured and he poured and he poured and so but but thing is and you but so I of course I ran after him and chased after him because he loved me when I didn't even love myself. He told me that I was worth it. And so yes, I I want to be with him. I don't want to be with anyone because there is no other man that felt like I was worth it. No matter how much I push, no matter how much I push you away, that they was going to fight regardless. Then I was going to know for sure because you were to take the beating. You would to take the hits, but you're worth fighting for. And but I didn't realize and I just accepted it. I did. I just accepted it as my husband is thinking about um being with someone else. Alisa, you're just too much. And I just learned to accept it. In October, I I there was this guy um at my job and I don't know like with a week or two just I don't know like I got distracted because he just I was worth fighting for for he just stopped because I'm married and it just was not it's not he don't want to do that but I'm worth fighting for in that area. Um, I wasn't too much. I didn't talk too much because that's where I grew up. Lisa, you talk too much. Lisa, you're this. Everything is too much. I'm too much for everybody. But by me just accepting it in that way is hurting my children because they walk around feeling like they're burdens, that they're mistakes, that they're not good enough. And at the same time they are trying to go in front of me to fight the darts that people are throwing at me. And that's what I had to do for my mom. And I know how hard it is. I'm always fighting for everybody else. I'm always protecting everybody else. And it wasn't that many people protecting me because it will cost them too much of a price that they don't want to pay. And so they take the the easier route, the the one that don't cost as much. then just going and doing what they need to do to seek God like they need to to get on their own surgery table and let God do what they need to do to be what they need to be for themselves and for me. And I'm saying this now and I have to say this to let this go, but I really would like to answer. I have said a lot to you and I I truly do understand of what it is, but I I really need to know why was it so easy. I need to know this answer because I need to heal and so I can heal my so my children can heal. But why was it so easy for not to fight for me? Why was it so easy for you to marry someone and be with someone who wanted nothing to do with me and my sisters? And how was that such thing? And be honest. Like I don't I'm tired of of non honesty. It's the same thing I'm asking my husband too. Like why is it so easy? I I I need honesty. I need the truth. I don't need what you think I need to hear. I don't need um you know just making up stuff. I need the honest truth. Why is it so easy for you to not fight for me to take to take the easier road? My my issue, like I said, my issues is I mean, you left. I get it. Trust me, I get it. You don't understand. I saw what happened. I knew you was going to leave when I was at 3 years old. I saw it. But it was But I knew that all you had to do was just grab hold on to God's. His hand was out there waiting for you. And he's he was going to change everything in that house. Everything. But okay. But why but what I do I'm not going to say blame you for is you saying the best decision that you have ever made was to marry someone who wanted nothing to do with us and that we're supposed to be so grateful. You wanted us to say thank you to her and all these things and she wanted nothing to do with us and you thought was okay. How did you think that was? I mean, I need to know why did you think that was okay? Why was it so easy for you to even marry her without even seeing that we that is it okay for her for her to be in our lives? Like we didn't see we stopped seeing you once you started seeing her. Remember we wasn't coming over no more for the weekends. You told my sister that she not even allowed to come over your house because you was trying to have a baby as if you didn't have kids already. like we were cousins and or nieces and nephews instead of your own children. Why was how why was it so easy for you to do that? And I I kind of kept it to myself. I kind of I guess until some degree I didn't even realize I felt like this until recently. I didn't really know where the root of it came from. I know I felt like I wasn't worth it in so many cuz in so many areas of my life male factors treated me like I wasn't worth fighting for and I just like oh but I'm used to it. But where when I'm used to it from from you. But why? Why? No matter how hard it hurts, that's easy for you to say, "Oh, they all right." And keep it moving. Cuz now you got two daughters. And I don't I don't think that you probably do the same thing for them. You're fighting for them. You doing everything you need to a degree for them. I have three daughters who feel like they're not worth it. Cuz I feel like I'm not worth it. And so I need to know why you felt like I'm not worth it. I need the truth of why you feel as though that I wasn't worthy. to cross the ocean to go through whatever you had to go through. Why did you throw that all that on my mom? Like, you take care of it. I know I did this, but you take all care of it by yourself. times where my mom we had to walk to school cuz my mom didn't have enough carfare and you was over here with money with no with no problem. Why? And they get mad because we didn't have stuff. Now, I'm not saying all that was worth cuz she didn't feel like it was worth it fighting for and and fighting you for it. But at the same time, like you were the man. I'm not understanding like why why was a woman have to fight you for it when you were the one that you chose to have us? And I feel like why was it a easier choice not to continue with that? And it's not even about my mom. It's not about, you know, once you left my mom, it was what it was. But now you're still a father at the end of the day. Why why not was not worth fighting for regardless to continue on to push to fight to this didn't work. Let me try another way. And so this is already 40 minutes and I didn't really want too long and I didn't even want to cry and the rest of it because I knew it was going to make it take longer. But I do need to answer these questions this week. I like I said and it's what she said like if you your kids don't feel like they're worth it. If you feel like you're unworth that's why your kids feel like that. And so I needed to deal with this and this weekend I said I am I need to feel like that I'm worth it enough to deal with whatever the pain I need to feel so that my kids won't continue to feel like this. And so I will be healing and um at the feet of Jesus just bringing him all my hurts and my pain and bringing him why I don't feel like it. Yes, I know that God cuz he continue to trust do it. But I'm like God, you're the only one. There are not that many male factors that really care about me enough to do what they need to do. And I felt like this for a very very very long time. But it's like at least you're not worth it. So to keep it moving and then I kept trying to even though I felt like that and I didn't realize it and I kept trying to do that and be there for my sister and it hurts me to the core because she don't feel like it either. She don't feel like she's worth it. We don't feel like that we worth telling another man like I'm worth you waiting for. No, I don't want to have sex before our marriage, but like, and if you don't think that I'm worth it, then by all means, kick rocks. We don't feel like that we're worth that. We feel like we always got to compromise what we really want just to have somebody. I don't want my daughters to do feel like that. I don't want my daughters to go through that. I want them to know that they know that they know that they know without a shadow of a doubt that they are worth it. And and I'm not asking you really to fix it. Reality, I'm not asking you to fix it. You can fix it if you want to fix it. If you don't want to fix it, that's fine. I'm just I want the answer so I can know. I don't want to go through no uh I need to know your side of why do you felt like we were not worth you fighting for? why you felt like she was better, that she was worth more to you than we were. I just need to know and whether our relationship where our relationship go from here will be on on will be up to you. But in whether if if we have a better relation from here, if we heal or not, I will be able to heal. So my children be able to heal cuz it's not about me anymore. I have six generations. I have children I have to wear. And the buck got to stop here. I don't want to continue to produce unforgiveness and bitterness and unworthy feeling like you're unworthy. I don't want to continue to produce that. And I don't want my kids to produce that. I don't want my grandkids to walk around here tell myself, "Oh, I'm not worth nothing. I don't want that for my grandkids." And so I got to stop and I got to fix it and I'm going to do it now and I'm going to do it right here and we are. And so um as hard as it is, like I said, my kids, we came home just crying and crying and just whatever. But we're glad for it because we need to heal. And whether my husband leaves, I'm not going to still walk around hurt. I'm allow him to fix and fix my broken heart because he can he can mend my broken heart. He's done it before. He can do it. He will do it again. This time I'm actually giving it to him. And so with all that being said, I hope I do hope and pray that you're able I don't if you got to text it, text it to something that you're able to tell me why I wasn't worth it.