Transcription
("Lonely Man" playing in background)
Pharaoh: Previously on Yu-Gi-Oh!
Téa: Yugi, I think I'm pregnant... and Yami's the father!
Joey: Tristan! Don't leave me!
Tristan: I'm sorry, Joey. It's just not working out between us.
Joey: But I love you!
Téa: Yugi, I think I'm pregnant... And Weevil's the father!
Yugi: Grandpa! So you're the one who shot Tristan!
Grandpa: Yes, It was I!
Téa: Yugi, I think I'm pregnant... And Bakura is the-
Yugi: No f*cking way! (music stops)
Téa: Okay, I lied about that one. (music continues)
Kaiba: This time, Yugi, you don't stand a *ghost* of a chance!
Tristan: Yugi, I think I'm pregnant... And you're the father!
Pharaoh: And now the thrilling conclusion: Wait a minute, did any of that stuff actually happen?
*Opening Theme* ♪ "Kawaita Sakebi Ga" ♫
*Opening Theme* ♪ "Todoke Fly At Higher Gaaaammmmeeee" ♫
Hair Guy: Attention duelists! My hair has abducted this small child! If you want me to release him, you must first defeat Seto Kaiba's ghost in a duel!
Pharaoh: Are you trying to tell me that Kaiba came back from the dead just to play a card game with me?
Hair Guy: Yes!
Pharaoh: Either this is a trick, or this show is even dumber than I thought.
Kaiba's Ghost: It's true, Yugi. I've returned from the dead in order to defeat you. My desire for vengeance was so strong that even Hell itself could not hope to contain my-
Pharaoh: Okay, time out. Does anybody here actually believe for even one *second* that this guy is a ghost?
Tristan: I do!
Pharaoh: Anyone besides Tristan?
Tristan: I do!
Kaiba's Ghost: What's your point?
Pharaoh: My point is: you're not a ghost. No effing way.
Kaiba's Ghost: Then explain how I have this: the Hitotsu-Me Giant!
Pharaoh: Oh, you're right. That definitely proves it.
Kaiba's Ghost: Look, I'm a ghost, okay! Quit being such a jerk!
Pharaoh: If you're a ghost, then I'm straight!
Kaiba: Now that Pegasus thinks I'm dead, I can work on redeeming my character in the eyes of the fans. Wait a minute! How the hell did I climb up the side of a cliff while holding a briefcase? And for that matter, how the hell did I get here? Into the Kaiba -cave!
[♪ 1960's Batman Theme ♫]
Computer System: Hi there, Kaiba. I'm your inappropriately voiced computer system.
Kaiba: Wait a second. Do you mean I have to spend the entire episode talking to a machine?
Computer System: It's like looking in a mirror, isn't it?
Kaiba: Using my elite hacker skills, I'm going to bring down one of Pegasus satellites so that I can gain access to his computer systems. Hooray for cyber-terrorism!
Computer System: It looks like you're just pressing the same keys over and over again.
Kaiba: That's because I learned how to hack by watching old episodes of Star Trek.
Computer System: Since I'm such an advanced computer, I can make Pegasus computer systems look like a really boring video game.
Kaiba: Aah! The blue screen of death! My mortal enemy.
Kaiba's Doppelgänger: You don't stand a *ghost* of a chance, Yugi, because this time I'm-
Pharaoh: How many times you going to use that line?
Kaiba's Doppelgänger (Distorted voice): It's me, Kaiba, and this time you don't stand... a ghost of a chance.
Hair Guy: Yugi, you don't have a ghost of a chance beating Kaiba, because this time, he is a ghost!
Bonz: I'm afraid you don't stand a ghost of a chance in a duel against me!
Kaiba's Doppelgänger: *Whooo~. I'm a ghost. *Whoo~
Pharaoh: Oh, stop it! You're not fooling anyone!
Tristan: It's a ghost!
Pharaoh: Tristan doesn't count.
Mokuba: That's not my brother! Everyone says he's a bad person, but it's not true!
Pharaoh: He stole my grandfather's favorite card, put him in the hospital and then left you at the mercy of his enemies. Face it kid, your brother's a giant prick!
Kaiba: Even though I'm his arch rival, I'm going to use this virus to help Yugi win. Finally, being a rich nerd pays off!
Computer System: You really *do* need to get laid!
Pharaoh: Aha! See, you're not a ghost at all! You're some kind of.. gay clown apparently.
Téa: Eww, it's slightly more repulsive than regular clowns!
Gay Clown: Actually, I'm not a clown. I'm Seto Kaiba's evil side brought back from the Shadow Realm by Pegasus-
Pharaoh: That's even *less* believable than the whole ghost story! You don't even know *what* you are, do you?
Gay Clown: No..
Pharaoh: Didn't think so. MIND CRUSH! Did I just kill a gay clown?
Tristan: That ghost didn't scare me! Even if I did just sh*t my pants!
Pharaoh: He didn't stand a *ghost*... of a chance!
*Everybody Laughing*
Joey: Hey, what happened to Mokuba?
Pharaoh: Who cares?
[♪ 1960's Batman Theme ♫]
Robot Monkey (Bender Voice): Bite my shiny metal ass!
Joey (Fry Voice): It doesn't look so shiny to me.
Robot Monkey (Bender Voice): Shinier than yours, meat bag.