Transcription
In Orlando, Florida, what's up, Sam? How you doing, doctor? I'm good, my brother. What's up? What's up? I need some help figuring out how to tell my mom and brother that I want to move out of my mom's house. Okay, uh, I'm 33 years old. Um, um, actually, kind of, I'm embarrassed that, you know, I live with her. Okay? Um, and I've just really been, I think I'm ready. I feel like I need to take, take the plunge. Okay. Plunge? Okay. Um, um, straight through all the way since you were a kid, were a kid.
I've lived with her since I graduated from college. That was 2011. Okay. How come you, how come you stayed? Well, I really didn't have a, like, I had a hard time like finding work and I couldn't afford to, you know, to live on my own, my own. Um, you know, so just kind of, you know, did what I could, you know, you know, to get by. Um, you know, recently I did a career change. Uh, you know, I started working in the, uh, IT help desk, you know, then went into IT. So hopefully to make a little bit more money. Cool.
Um, um, yeah, so can I ask you, let me ask you this, brother, this brother. Um, and by the way, I hope you hear it in my voice, I got no shame on this, okay? I'm proud of you for being 33 and saying, "Now's the time." Okay? And we could go replay like, what are you doing and where are you? Babe, why? I'm not gonna do that, man. I think the, the best use of our energy right now is what comes next, right? Moving forward. Just listening to your voice for a few seconds and just listen to you tell your story about yourself. You don't think very highly of my new friend, Sam. Why not? Why do you think Sam is, is kind of a loser? Loser? Well, you pretty much hit the, you pretty much hit the nail on the head. Where does that come from? Did your mom talk to you like that? No. Uh, absolutely not. Your brother? No. Neither one of them. Where does it come from, man? I guess it comes, you know, from myself. I guess I maybe I put pressure on myself. Um, you know, I, you know, I've, you know, you know, um, um, for her, like, you know, it helped me, uh, get out of, you know, get out of debt and help me with my career change. Okay. But I, like, from what I understand, it just seems like, like if you're at my age and you live with your parents, regardless of the reason, like you're a loser. No, that's nonsense. That's not true. That is a part of that story that you've, you've kind of morphed and taken in a really dark route to tell yourself. Okay. I do think, uh, I mean, there's, there's plenty of people who live with their parents who are helping out because their parents are old age, they've got health issues, um, that move home for a season to like pay their house off or to get out of debt and then figure out what comes next, or they lose their job. Life happens. Life happens. I would ask you as just your buddy, dude, if you and I were just hanging out at a bar having a beer, I would ask you, hey, it was hard to find work in 2011. And fast forward, it's 12 years later, and you're still telling yourself those same stories. Stories, I can't find a job. I'm not worth finding a job. I can't afford to live. I just kind of am. And over the last 12 years, you have naturally, have naturally taken the easy path. The hard path is, dude, in six months, I am moving out of this apartment, this house. I'm getting my own apartment. And so I have to have this much dollars, which means I have to take a second and third job, or I gotta throw my shoulders back a little bit and commit to doing a bang-up job at work, and they're going to recognize me, and then in nine months, they're going to move me to this position. I'm going to move to that position. See what I'm saying? So something has held you back there. And, um, I'm glad to hear it's not your, your mom wouldn't tell calling you her loser son, and it wasn't your brother being like, "Oh, loser still." Like, no, man, if you've been helping out and taking care of somebody who wasn't well, or whatever, good for you. Good for you. What has brought you to this moment that, like, this time? I'm 33, it's time. Uh, well, I wrote down, uh, some reasons to leave and concerns that I have. Okay. Uh, if that helps. Yeah. So, so the reasons I want to leave, um, I just think as Dave Ramsey put it, you know, you never learn how to fly, like unless you leave the nest. That's very, very true. You, there is a maturity, there is a growth and development, immaturity, immaturity, um, that you have not undergone because you haven't had to. There's something about saying, if I don't earn this money, I don't have a place to live. Like, there's some that builds strength, right? If I don't push this bar off my chest, it will collapse my, my ribs, right? Like, there's some that's how you grow strength, right? It's adding weight on the bar, and he is exactly one thousand percent right, sir, sir. Uh, I'm the only one in my social circle that I know of who lives with, who lives with my mom. Correct. And, and, you know, it's like, my mom won't be around forever. I need to figure out, like, how I'm going to sustain myself when she leaves this world. Okay? And also, like, I feel guilty, but it's like, every other weekend, weekend, more or less, like she goes over to my brother's and hangs out with her grandkids. Grandkids. Um, I enjoy having a house, you know, to myself, you know, you know, she's like retired, retired. Um, you know, she's a homebody, and, you know, we're around each other a lot. And Sam, get your own place, brother. Get your own place. Okay? Get your own place. You should feel nervous. You should feel angsty about it. You should do it with, um, not, uh, do get a place you can afford. You're gonna feel a little bit lonely. It's gonna feel weird. And then have some of your buddies in your social circle over on a regular basis. Have Monday night, whatever is at your house, your house, poker nights, video game nights, Dungeons, I don't know, whatever nerd things people, what you're into. I don't know. Um, like for me, it would be like, come over and watch the fights, or come over and, I don't know, what things you're into. But, but create a world where your place becomes a place where people hang out, and it will develop very, very quickly. But it is time. But I don't want you to go because you're a loser. Now go because you're a loser. Now, like, I'm the only guy. I don't want that to be the reason you go because Dave Ramsey said I'm a loser if I don't. I want that to be the reason you go, even if they're right, they're right. I want you to go because it's time for the next chapter of your life. It's time for you to build the, your the next, uh, next, uh, to not build. I want you to plant the, the roots that will become the next branch of your family tree.
Do you ever want to get married, have kids, do that whole thing? Yeah, yeah. I'm not gonna lie, man. I don't see myself having a wife and kids. I mean, not not because of my current situation. Like, I see, I see, I mean, I see people with a wife and kids, and, uh, maybe it's my loner state of mind, but I don't see myself, you know, being a husband and a dad. I won't take that from you. What I will tell you is, um, not, not giving, uh, romantic relationships a shot, um, is, is robbing yourself of the deepest and greatest joys life has to offer. Understood. Okay. I can't put that on you, man. If you want to not get married and you want to live best or life, your whole life, and not have kids, cool. Um, in the same way, you won't fully understand the weight of maturity, the weight of growing up, the way of being adult until you got your own place. There's a deeper layer. You won't truly understand what love is, what life is about. You won't truly understand what you are capable of until you hold your first kid, first kid. And you won't fully understand just how terrifying and scary this place is, all of it, right? And by the way, if you're around a bunch of people that are negative about their wife and kids, those people suck. Get new friends. All right? Get new people to hang out with. Out with.
Yes, sir. Here's, here's a funny story. I think I've told it on the show before, but my friend, my friend John, um, we hung out every Monday night for years and years and years, me and him and Todd. And we hung out for years and years and years and years and years. And then he had a kid, and his wife is awesome. Her name's Jen. Just absolutely adores. From my favorite people on the planet. But after like a year, John wouldn't hang out with us after he had this new kid. And, and I'm not gonna lie, I was like, man, Jennifer is the worst. She is not who, like, man, I thought she was super cool, but he's got to stay home all the time. And it wasn't until I had my son that I realized, I don't want to hang out with those idiots. I want to sit here on my couch and hold my child, or I want to lay down on the floor and just stare into his eyes. He can't even focus on me yet. And I asked John about that, and he smiled and he's like, yeah, no offense, but I, I would rather be with my wife and kids. And come to find out, Jennifer was like, dude, go be with your friends. Get out of the house. And he was like, no, man, I want to be with you and the baby. And I asked him, why didn't you ever tell me? And he said, man, I couldn't have explained that. I couldn't have explained that kind of love I felt. That's just something you gotta experience. So I tell you that to tell you, tell you, um, there is an intellectual side to it, but also, man, there is a part of your heart and soul that will open up that you will never understand. But to answer your question, it's like your original, original question, it sounds like, sounds like you getting a friend that you trust, maybe your brother, maybe even your mom, and you say, "It's time for me to move out. 33, I'm gonna be 34. It's 2023 is right around the corner. It's time for me to move out. Here's my plan in three months, and five months, whatever. I'm gonna have my own place, and I'm gonna do Sunday lunches. I'd love y'all come over for Sunday lunch." Sunday lunch, or whatever the thing is, or once a month, I want to, whatever your mom may go, "Oh, thank God. Get out of my house." Or she might be devastated. Right? Who knows? Yeah, that's that. Good. That's one of my, that's that like my concerns, you know, because, you know, I'm not one of those guys who just lives with her and doesn't contribute, you know, I pay her rent. Yeah, no, dude, I'm not thinking that at all. Yeah, and like the only thing she says that she does for me is put a roof over my head, and I just got done asking her, um, "Hey, does the monies I pay you really help?" And she says, "Yes, you don't know how much." Yeah, so it's like, like, I mean, she, I mean, we should be able to get by like without me. And so here's, here's one of the poisons of the way your mind works, okay, Sam? Okay, Sam, is you think about a thing and you do not seek out true data. You think about a thing and become paralyzed by the thoughts of that thing, and then you start trying to figure out, well, if I do this, then if I do that, then if I do that, then that's going to happen, then this is going to happen, happen, and it's a deep, deep-seated pattern of rumination that leads to paralysis, analysis paralysis, and but you have it times 10. Times 10. So the way through this is sitting down with your mom, saying, "Mom, it is time for me to move out. You mentioned the other day that day that, um, the money that I pay for rent is really important to you. I don't want to leave you in a lurch because I've been here a decade now, right? Uh, and it's, by the way, it's easy to be like, "Oh, dude, what a loser, move out on your own, get your own place." Well, now you've established a life for your mom too, right? So now you're, you're into this thing, and so you have to leave gracefully, gracefully. Um, and so get firm data from your mom. "Mom, can you survive if I move out and establish my own name, my own place, my own life, and maybe one day in my own family?" Um, be very specific about the finances, okay? Dollar amounts, not, "Yeah, I'll be fine." I want to see it. Where does your income come from? How would you pay these bills? How would you feel?" That's what I'm saying. And it may be that she moves in with you, she becomes a guest in your house. Do what if that's the case? Then why, I mean, I may as well stay with her. Then you figure out a way to buy the house because right now you're paying rent for somebody else's home that you're gonna have to split with your brother someday. Then say, "Cool, I will purchase this home, and I will figure out my employment situation. I will save up. I will do this the right way." Uh, not to further endanger myself financially, but I'm gonna buy this house, and you will be, you will live in my home. And just flip it on its script. And that would be a conversation with your brother too. Brother too, right? Or your brother can help contribute as well. Say, "Brother, I've given up all of my 20s, and now I'm into my 30s taking care of Mom, living here, and I have, it has been a great advantage for me, but I'm also paying all of the expenses, and I'm ready to move out. But Mom can't afford to live by herself. So either she's got to move in with one of us, or we have to contribute to her staying in this house. What are you gonna contribute? Are you gonna do any of this stuff?"
As soon as I get off this call, I'm gonna, you know, have this conversation with her and ask her and just, just, you know, talk to her. Okay. I would start that conversation by, conversation by, "Few sons are as blessed as I have been to have a mom who let me stay this long, and this is conversation one of a couple of conversations, but I want you to know that it's time for me to find my own place, and I want to be very gracious in how I do that, but it's time."
Like on a note card, on a piece of notebook paper, very specific. We need to talk about finances. I won't leave you in a lurch. We need to figure out what comes next. You have, where do you get money? Is she on Social Security? Does she have a pension? Who knows where she's getting money, but be very specific about that stuff. Stuff. Um, and then prepare for this to be either a, she cheers and goes, "Finally, Sam's growing up. Get out." Or she's devastated. "Oh, I'm not saying you can't leave. Whatever. Leave, whatever." Um, and then be prepared to say, "Okay, cool. Let's, we're gonna, let's just think on this. It's doing this. I don't even know what the apartments cost around here. I don't know what homes cost. Um, let's circle back on Friday. We'll have the second part of this conversation, and I'll bring brother too, right? And we're gonna do this systematically. And the next three to six to nine months, whatever your financial situation is, let's plan to jump. Let's plan to jump unless it's gonna leave Mom destitute. And then you and brother sit down and figure out together what your next steps are. Are?
Um, um, not gonna beat you up, man, but your gut is right. Sounds like it's time. And so let's make a good solid plan. I'm gonna stop analyzing everything. Let's move to action.