Transcription
What's going on, boys? Today, we are talking a bit about INFJ relationship problems. I am aware you are the special one; this doesn't and has never applied to you, but bear with me. The first one is INFJs specifically, and the second one is people who get into MBTI generally. Not all INFJs are conflict-avoidant, but even with the more cantankerous ones, I have noticed a trend toward morphing their identities to the extreme, particularly in regards to romantic relationships. Prospects they are struck by, for whatever reason—and I don't know what strikes them or why—this is one of those contradiction things. There is no logic to it, and they can be totally aware there is no logic to it, yet they will morph themselves to the extreme, knowing full well what they are doing.
And then, with this perfectly catered, proactive, and reactive identity, they will enter a relationship with someone they are not good with in their base forms. Things will be just dandy for both parties for a good while. However, again for unexplainable reasons, something will change. The INFJ will get upset; they either can't be themselves or aren't being themselves. Most Fe types are going to experience the catering to somebody and then letting your actual personality out a bit and getting snapped at, and that not feeling so good thing. But I've noticed in some instances, INFJs won't even go that far; they won't let their personalities out at all. They will instead just start building resentment at the fact they can't be themselves or aren't being themselves because they haven't tried. Here, and will expect the other person to notice and adjust while actually still catering. That's multiple layers of confusion. You are expecting another person to work out: firstly, they don't know you; they know a falsehood you have constructed and probably have, in a paranoid way, stuck to for months now. No indication there is an actual self even to be discovered, such as your dedication to the ACT. And because they don't know you, they don't know the things that make you frustrated; they probably have a good idea of what makes your facade frustrated, but they don't know you at all. They don't even know that there is a you.
Then, with your frustration building, one of two things is going to happen: either you snap at them or you don't. If you snap at them, they're going to have no idea why and think you are insane; they think something else is wrong. And if you do snap at them, you are not going to tell them why you snapped at them. INFJs, low to mid-level ones, all seem to have issues with putting all the cards on the table in that fashion. The other option is not snapping at them, in which case your resentment builds exponentially faster because your problem is getting worse, and you are giving this other person no opportunity to realize your problem is getting worse, and now you are blaming them for it. The other thing I've noticed about INFJs is they tend to direct their force of anger or frustration, whatever, inward at themselves and at the people closest with them. This is compared with other types who, when they are angry or frustrated, they'll take it out on people outside. So now you're in a situation; you have put yourself here and are resenting the other person for it and are taking no productive moves to resolve what's wrong, which is you are unable, or feel unable rather, to express yourself as yourself with the person you are supposed to be closest with.
Now, eventually, this reaches a boiling point, and one of three things happens: one, the confused partner gets hit with the door slam. Dumb INFJs act like this is the ultimate last-ditch strategy, and it may feel that way to them, but they'll do it over stupid [ __ ] particularly situations they've put themselves in. In online communities, it seems like every day there is an INFJ on the verge of a meltdown about some minor [ __ ] that could be worked out with one conversation. But I think they are not inclined or afraid of having those conversations because of the second option: the cards are finally forced onto the table. The INFJ feels beyond angry; they have been manipulated into faking an identity for so long, despite being the ones who put themselves, again, in this situation. The other person is upset because they find out they have been lied to and are being blamed for it. And in this outcome, it doesn't end well because where do you find yourself now? You're here on foundations that don't exist, so a relationship would be almost impossible, if not impossible, to develop, except now you have heaps of enmity on either side. It doesn't turn out well. The third outcome is a semi-positive outcome: cards are forced onto the table, except there is enough of a foundation and substance of positivity to work out, and now things can become what they should have been from the beginning. The only issue with this outcome is all that nastiness—avoidable nastiness—did happen; it's a stain. You can move past it, but it is always going to be there.
Now, I think this issue can be resolved easily. One, people don't have to like each other. I think with low to mid-level INFJs, there is this fear of negative emotions. You see this pattern in more than just romance, and INFJs seem to have an issue with even acknowledging the existence of negative emotions generally. The first step in resolving this issue is accepting that some things, particularly social interactions, can do and maybe should feel bad. The second step is acknowledging that if you choose to build a nice catered persona for someone, to dive headfirst into falsehood, there are consequences. I'm not going to say you don't have the right to manipulate people in this way, but if you're found out—which you will be, because you won't be able to manage your own resentment of the situation you've put yourself in—that's how most people are going to react. And I think, on some level, INFJs recognize this, which is why this is a common door slam instigator incident. They are so afraid of accepting the consequences of their actions; they would rather shut it off completely, pull the plug. The third step, a combination of the last two, is being straightforward from the outset. I understand, as an Fe type, there is a level of social rigmarole you need to engage in to get by, but if you want to connect with someone, these are the moments you set that tool aside and be straightforward. If it doesn't work, then it doesn't work. If it does work, then your foundations are going to be more solid and less at risk because they are built on honesty.
Now, the second problem, more for people who get into MBTI generally, but I've noticed this problem seems to be most prominent in INFJs or people who call themselves INFJs: the idea typology is the answer to all your problems. I think this is a Ti issue because my stupid ass fell into this in the beginning, but I think INFJs are particularly susceptible to it because Ti is their tertiary function. Figuring [ __ ] out in this kind of organized way brings them relief, and the typology community at large presents itself in a "we have all the answers" way because that's how they make money. And when you think you found the solution, you can fool yourself into believing these illusions. Typology is a tool, not an answer. If you're lost and trying to find your way home, then a GPS isn't a teleporter, but a GPS is helpful. That's how you should approach typology; it's one additional skill you can develop. I bring this up because people on my typology videos regularly ask me how to solve certain unsolvable problems using typology. You can't. It can help make some problems go away, but typology by itself doesn't necessarily fix anything. Typology has helped me figure out how to communicate with different sorts of people, but it doesn't eliminate the need to communicate with them. And with INFJs and their issues in this sphere, baffling troubles more than five times over the years: INFJ women who have had absent or abusive INTP fathers will approach me looking for closure from their fathers somehow, and of course, these turn into arguments because this is frighteningly stupid. You can't make something as difficult as parental issu[es] go away using letters and arguments with a stranger who doesn't know you.
To summarize everything: be straightforward, and be willing to take a loss, and understand typology can't fix everything by itself. And if someone tries to tell you it can, be careful; they are either going to drag you down with them or separate you from a sum of money. But that about rippity-wraps this one up. I hope you enjoyed watching, cuz I certainly enjoyed making it. I don't make many INFJ videos anymore because, while I am fortunate enough to know a few good INFJs, the INFJ community at large—there's some of the most obnoxious people I've ever dealt with—and I don't like doing anything with them or about them. Like if you enjoyed, cuz helps me out a lot. Subscribe if you haven't, cuz we do this [ __ ] sometimes. In comment thoughts, love hearing from you. I'm sure you're going to tell me what you think anyway. No questions, but thanks again for watching, everybody. We have a lot of fun on this channel—so much fun, in fact—you can get it out of the way and then get back to the good [ __ ] because while these videos are obnoxious, they do earn a lot over time. And that's much for on this channel, and I look forward to doing this with you guys again in the future.