I Regret Divorcing My Wife

[Music] I divorced my wife and I'm like 7 weeks out from the divorce now and I kind of realized I was the problem and she was amazing. My addiction to video games, they were things that stressed her out as well. So since you've been divorced, you've had all the time in the world to play your video games and it's pretty hollow, huh?

What up? What's up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show coming to you from Nashville, Tennessee. Taking your calls from all over the planet on your mental and emotional health, your relationships, whatever you got going on.

So, this is a huge week for me and for Ben at the Soundboard. Our punk rock band has a huge show this weekend and we had a rehearsal last night. Ben, it wasn't great. It was It was maybe the worst rehearsal we had. We're not good. I don't know what to I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. Going to get out there and jam, though. It's going to be fun. I know. That's the problem. I I think some of our new band members don't have jam in their spirit. I asked another member of your band last week how things were going and he sat there for a minute and then he just said, "We'd really appreciate your vote." Yeah. I I don't even need your vote. I just need your prayers. I need thoughts and prayers. Um I'm not super certain what those two things do in combination. Um but I I we could use them. Hey, I'll be down there dancing one way or another. I I know, but I've seen you do that at like at like weddings, odd jazz clubs. I've seen you do that at karaoke. You can always count on Kelly to be seven drinks in just dancing. So, I don't drink, so I do all that sober. Well, that's I was I was giving you the benefit of the doubt. I thought you moved that way simply because of the alcohol. I didn't know that was just you, but alas.

Let's go to Eugene, Oregon, and talk to Milo. What's up, Milo? Hi. How's it going, man? Um, I've been better. How are you? I'm good. You seem surprised that we're talking. You You doing okay? Um, yeah. Yeah, I'm fine. I just got emotional when I'm thinking about the topic I'm thinking about. Oh, man. Very cool. Well, bring it Let bring it on, man. Let's do it. What's up? Yeah. So, um, I divorced my wife and I kind of blamed her for my feeling of unhappiness in the marriage and I'm like 7 weeks out from the divorce now. Um, and I kind of realized like I was the problem and she was amazing.

Um, how long you guys How long were you all married? We were together for 5 years and married for one and a half years after that. A lot of it was long distance. Um, so in person, I'd say we were together for like um, yeah, the marriage was most of our inerson time pretty much. Okay. And you just had a feeling and you just decided you didn't want to be with her anymore. Tell me about Tell me about deciding to divorce her. Yeah. So, she's in grad school and a lot of our fights were about um you know, how she expresses herself when she's stressed or angry and it it just felt like an issue that kept not getting solved. And um was that the real fight or was the fight you didn't know how to support her when she was stressed? I I think both. Okay. Um and you know I I just felt like in my head at the time I felt like she couldn't manage it and I blamed her for it. Mhm. And it triggered me because it reminded me of being around um my home when I was a kid. And I I really like hated the way my dad expressed himself when he was angry or stressed. And I just I didn't feel like I could be around it anymore. Um, but really looking back, I feel like I was contributing to that stress a lot through my actions and behavior. Okay. But I I was just, you know, um, blind to it. I was, you know, I had such a big ego. I thought I did nothing wrong and I I just decided to blame her because it's it's easier than looking at myself.

So, in the ash of this divorce, what has caused you to look in the mirror and be so reflective? Um well the final night before I moved out, she kind of like told me that, you know, um my lack of empathy, um my addiction to video games, um my dishonesty about my feelings, they were things that continually came up and stressed her out as Um, and I didn't make her feel supported. Was she right at the time? I said no cuz I was so defensive. Yeah. But sitting on that conversation, um, yeah. Yeah. I realized that she was.

So, since you've been divorced, you've had all the time in the world to play your video games, and it's pretty hollow, huh? Yeah. I I kind of stopped playing after like 2 weeks and I like I realized I wasn't feeling any better. Yeah. What are you doing right now to take care of you? Um take care how I guess. Well, if you've determined you're the problem Mhm. And you've already determined, and by the way, y'all co-created this. Probably you're right on on multiple counts. Her stress response probably reminded you of your nervous system of how you grew up, which is in a weird way why you were attracted to her. And it's a weird way why it it felt like an electric fence. And maybe you were addicted to video games, but video games are a great Xanax, right? They're a great way to to numb yourself from reality. And but now you're sitting in the ash. You're lonely and you're alone and you realized, "Oh my gosh, I contributed to this." But if you, let's say you call her today and she said, "Thank God you called. Let's try again." You would bring you right back to that mess. Yeah. And so my question for you is, are you in a counseling? Have you started a workout program? Are you working two jobs? Are you paying off all your debts? What are you doing? Have you gone back to church? Like what are you doing to begin to heal from the inside out? So that you can be the best version of yourself. So when you show up with somebody else who's got challenges, you're anchored in and y'all can meet those challenges together. Yeah.

So I've started um a couple of things. So I started working out again because I was not taking care of my physical health. Awesome. because I spent all my time playing video games. I've actually dropped like I was pretty I was in freef fall during the divorce in terms of weight. Like I dropped like 10 lbs. Yeah, that's pretty common. People don't eat. Yeah. Cuz of stress. Yeah. Yeah. I wasn't eating. Um but I've stabilized. I'm down to like losing just a pound a week. And I can tell I'm getting stronger as well. Like I I was on like an hour long run. Like one weekend I ran like 11:30 per mile for an hour and then like last weekend I did like 8 minutes per mile for an hour. Good for you. Good for you. Um um I'm like journaling, making sure like I'm kind of accountable. I actually made myself um what I call my my self-love list where I have a daily physical activity that I do and that's just like my workout schedule. Like I either lift or I run. Mhm. And then I have like a mental health um thing. And I can actually let's see if I can remember what's on the list off the top of my head. Oh, that's that's okay. You don't have to. Here's a here's the big one. Do you have a couple of people you can sit down and be honest with? Yes. Yeah. They they hold me accountable. I I told them what happened. They didn't know that part of me. And they're like, "And you're a jerk." Yeah. Well, good. I'm glad you have those men. But also, are they celebrating you on the wins, too? Yeah. Okay. Yeah.

So, how can I help today, man? Um, I'm happy just to sit here with you, but if if I can help, let me know. Yeah. Um, well, you know, in your experience, have you ever seen this situation? Have you ever seen someone like, you know, throw away their best friend basically and find a way back to them? I have. Have you called her? Have you shown up on her front door? John Cusack style with the radio playing her song. I mean, have you What have you done? Um, about 2 weeks out from the divorce, I kind of like realized she was right and I panicked and I sent her like this big confessional letter that was rereading it. It just read like, you know, a guilt dump that, you know, she didn't really deserve. And it was just like explaining away all my behavior instead of like apologizing for my actions and how they made her feel. Mhm. Um, and since then, I haven't really I've just given her space. She never responded to it. Um, I wouldn't respond to it. Sure. Um, and I I don't really want to try and go back to her without making sure I'm someone that I can confidently say I love. Yeah. Can you say that? I think I'm choosing to even when it's hard. That's it right there, brother. That's it. No one I know feels lovable all the time. It's will you go do the things the right next thing because I love you even when I don't feel it. Mhm. That works in marriage. That works with parenting. That works with co-workers. That works with yourself. Yeah. I think I was really naive during the relationship where I mean it wasn't just that I didn't feel love, you know, like you said, like I I learned the same thing with video games that they just numb like any addiction really numbs out your emotions, right? Yeah. And I wasn't feeling anything at the end of the marriage. And I I really hate how I handled the divorce as well because, you know, she was suffering the whole time. like I I moved out in like two weeks. Um, you know, we we didn't have to stay separated for like a year or anything. Um, we just got the divorce within the week and then she just saw me the whole time online playing with my friends and laughing and having a good time and I packed all my stuff like really quickly and you know so let's let's do this brother. Yeah. right now the the only word that's coming to mind and it's it's a it's ugly. It's rude word. Okay. Um but you're just wallowing. And so the question I have for you right this second is what are you going to do now? Cuz because here's the deal. You're doing the things on a minute-by-minute, day-by-day basis to honor yourself, to love yourself. Yet every morning when you open your eyes, you chain yourself to two cinder blocks and you drag them around on your runs, during your journaling time, while you're at work. Yeah. And so what are you going to do next? I don't know. I don't know what to do. How how do I decide? You know, I don't I don't know what you what you need to decide if you miss your if you miss your best friend of 6 and 1/2 years at minimum saying, "Hey, can we talk and writing out a letter and saying what you're telling me right now?" Not with an intent to try to win her back or not to with an intent of any other ulterior motive other than to say, "I was wrong and I hurt the closest person to him and I'm sorry." And that's going to be a vulnerable risk. She may say, "No, I don't ever want to see you or talk to you again." Yeah. And if she was my friend, I'd probably recommend that. So it would it would make her crazy, right? But sometimes love makes us do crazy things. And maybe she would hear you out. She may be sitting at home crying too, wondering what's wrong with her, why she is so unlovable. You're not going to be able to look yourself in the mirror until you sit down and let her know what I've done. And she doesn't have to be an audience for you. And if she says, "No, I don't ever want to see you or talk to you again." Great. You can write back and say, "I'm sending a letter to tell you how wrong I am and how much I messed up and who I'm becoming now. I just wanted to let you know that you're worth being loved and and I loved you. I'm sorry." Okay. She doesn't have to read that letter, but the process of writing it will be healing for you. I've actually already rewritten like a letter I would send like so many times and I've just I don't know. I've just held off on sending it just because I just I don't want to bother her anymore than I already have. All right. You're not a burden and you're not a bother. You screwed up bad. You blew it up. Yeah. But you moving forward is not a bother. Okay. Otherwise, here's the deal. Every minute you don't at least if you reach out to her and she says, "No, I never want to see you again, talk to you again, ever, I'm out." You'll at least know and you can begin healing. But don't find out because you need something from her. Go let her know that she's worth being loved because it's the right thing to do. And go tell her you're sorry because it's the right thing to do. And there's something about you being vulnerable, entering into a scary space where you've hurt other people. You might not get the absolution. You may not get the big hug and the fairy tale ending, the Hollywood ending, but you're going to have done yet again the next right thing, which is to make amends. to say the words, "I'm sorry. I failed you. I'll let you down. I'll let me down." And part of that process, if she won't talk to you or have you back, will prove to you in the future that when you're with somebody in the future and you hurt them, which 100% chance you will, you will have practice saying the words, "I'm sorry. I messed up. I need a minute and then I'm going to come back and make this make this right and whole because we're building something together. And maybe, maybe, maybe, she says, "I've been waiting for this call. Can we go get coffee?" Maybe, maybe not. I don't know. But you won't know either until you just make that call. And I hear a broken man, dude. But I'm going to challenge you to continue to ask yourself this one question. What am I going to do now? Who do I need to go make amends to? Myself included. The sun's going to come up in the morning. And who am I going to be when it does? It's your move, brother. My recommendation is you reach out and shoot her a text message or better yet, send her a voice message and let her hear your voice and say, "I'd like to talk to you. I was wrong and I need you to know. Let me know how that goes, man. And if y'all both want to call in and talk about what happens now, I would love love love to take that call. Call me anytime, brother. I'll be here.

We come back, a woman asks how much say her parents should get to have in her adult life. All right, let's get cozy. You all know that I love adventures. I love doing crazy things and I love being out and about. And I'm telling you, at the end of the day though, I'm ready to shut it down. And when I do, I want my bed soft, cool, and absurdly comfortable. Which is why I love Cozy Earth sheets. They're amazing sheets made from viscous from bamboo are super breathable. They regulate temperature and they wick away heat and moisture. I sleep cooler and more comfortably with Cozy Earth sheets. And it's not just me. My entire family is hooked on Cozy Earth gear. And we got this Cozy Earth cuddle blanket that we all fight over. It's ridiculous. It's super soft. It's plush. And it's got some weight to it without being too heavy. It's like an anxiety blanket combined with a hug from your grandmother all at the same time. It's incredible. Cozy Earth can help you build a space that's a retreat for you and your family, just like they've done for me and my wife. Go to cozyearth.com/deloney and use code deloney for 40% off your entire purchase. And if you get a post-purchase survey, tell them you heard about cozyearth right here on the Dr. John Deloney Show. That's cozyearth.com/deloney. Use code deloney to save 40% off. Go check them out. Hey, take two seconds. Please, please, please take two seconds. Sounds like I'm I'm begging. Um I'm not, but kind of. Will you hit take two seconds and hit the subscribe button? If you're watching this on YouTube, log in real quick. Hit the you hit the YouTube subscribe button. If you're listening to this on Spotify, podcast, Apple, wherever you're listening to this, Google podcast, Google Play, take two seconds and hit the subscribe button and it transforms the algorithm in our favor and helps more people and more people in your community get these amazing conversations of bravery and next right move that's going to heal and help all of us in this time of chaos.

Let's go out to Ontario and talk to Alyssa. What's up, Alyssa? Hi, how's it going? Um, it's it's going pretty well. Very cool. What's up? Um, I am wondering how much they and my parents should have in my life, but I've kind of established I need to have boundaries, which is really good, but I'm not sure how to have a good relationship with my parents when my boundaries impede their boundaries. How old are you? I'm 23. I still Do you still live at home? I lived at home and Yeah. Okay. You're not going to like my answer. I know. I know. But I I'm I'm most likely going to be moving out in the next like two months. All right. They get a say in your life until two months is up. Okay. And I know that's not a popular cool thing, but if you live in their house and you eat their food and you live under their roof and use their electricity and their water, they get to tell you the rules of engagement for their place. Uh, yes. What if um what about if I'm dating someone? What about it? They don't necessarily approve of them. I know. I mean, they can say who they can decide who comes and goes in their house, right? Yes. I I I I agree. 100% I agree. But I'm not bringing that person to their house. Mhm. Um how are they showing you their disapproval? Um, there's lots of conversations about how they aren't a fan of him for a bunch of different reasons. Um, tell me some of them which I will say well I um or let me say it this way. You have you listened to my show for a while? Oh, I love your show. Okay. Would I be a fan of him? I don't know actually. Okay. I would I hope so. That was a long pause. Okay. All right. Tell me some of the reasons why your parents don't want you with him. Um they don't think they he puts enough effort in. Okay. Um he's it's long it's long distance. Okay. which is really hard. Um, but they don't like how they ex that he wants me to go out there and visit. They want him to only come over here, which he did like the first four or five visits and he stayed for a week or two weeks at a time at my family's house. That wasn't that wasn't awkward at all, was it? Uh, it wasn't for me. I think it was for him at first. He was kind of just thrown into it, which I was pretty rough. Yeah. For him, but um so g get get to the root root question. There's a question behind the question behind the question. What is it? How how how do I have a good relationship with my parents and have a good relationship with my boyfriend, the person that I want to marry? Great question. You don't get to decide their response. And that's heartbreaking for all adult children. It It's literally epidemic right now. I think it is a unspoken about, untalked about destroyer of families, which is adult parents who think that they get a vote in their kids' lives, which by the way, you live at home, so they still do get a vote. um but who are willing to sacrifice their relationship with their adult kid by continuing to treat their adult kid as though they're a pre-teen. And at the same time, there's an epidemic of adult kids who want to live independent whole lives, but either a keep going back to mom and dad to pay their gas or pay their rent or pay their phone bill or whatever, or don't want to wrestle with the adult consequences of adult actions. Meaning you can date whoever you want. You can marry whoever you want. You can have kids with whoever you want. You can do whatever you want. But they can opt out of that relationship too. And the hard part of being an adult is knowing when are the people who are trying to love me actually trying to manipulate me? Are they trying to keep me safe? or when do their fears in my life um overtake my autonomy? So, here's a good a good proxy. Have you ever dated somebody that your parents liked? Well, this is my first like actual relationship at 23 years old. Yes, sir. Okay. So, I'm not I'm not making fun. I'm just wondering like I'm trying to cultivate a world where my son who's a teenager is dating or has opportunities to go out. I'm trying to make that possible for him. was that same because because I know relationships, especially pre-romantic relationships, if you will, hanging out with people with opposite sex, like hanging out with people that you might be attracted to in the future, hanging out with like whatever, like I want him, that's a skill. I want him to be good at it and I want him to practice that while he's in my house. And if you were always told, "No, you can't do that. It's not smart. It's not good. It's unsafe." yada yada yada yada yada and your first relationship's at 23 years old and they're still trying to have a say in it, then maybe they have fears about your life that are more their fears than our reality. Maybe, maybe not. But you're asking a question that all adult children are asking these days. How can I go to a new church and have my parents still want to be around me? How can we not hit our kids when our parents hit us? I don't know. Like, how can we not have screen time and our parents just hand our kids cell phones and iPads cuz they get annoyed? Like it this is an it it how can we vote this way when our parents vote that way and families are getting divided up and diced up like vegetables in a chop house right now because people don't know how to exhale and love each other and then through that love through that relationship um say hey I care about you and I see something you may not So, if your parents are saying it's him or us, they're putting you in a pretty tough position. Yeah. A a guiding principle for me is to choose guilt over resentment. And so if you expand on that a little bit more. Yeah. So if you just break up with this guy, if you really think you'll have a future together and you're honest, if this is your first relationship, it feels good. It feels good to be wanted. Um it feels good to be flirty and send like flirty romantic texts back and forth and electronic communication and y'all don't have to live with the realities of seeing each other every day. And so y'all are getting the the best versions of each other right now. And also, y'all spent multiple times together of one week or two weeks together. You see how you each navigate family stuff and travel, all that stuff. Great. If you actually think, I got a future with this person. I want to really make a go at this. And your mom and dad say it's him or it's us. If you break up with him, you're going to resent your parents. because they didn't give you a shot. They forced you to choose between a lifeline oxygen and a potential long-term romantic partner. If you go with him and they say, "Fine, we're not talking to you for a year." You're going to feel really guilty. But in your estimation, if it's the next right move to pursue this relationship further, um I would rather you choose guilt over resentment. Does that make sense? Okay. I think beyond the I think what you need more than anything in the world right now is getting your own two feet underneath you. the the weight, if you will, of adult responsibilities, paying bills, having your own place, what my boyfriend said, having to call somebody to get your get your faucet fixed, or going to Home Depot and YouTube and figuring out how to do it yourself. And that would probably be really good for your parents, too, because right now, in your eyes, you're still 16. Nothing's changed. Are you working full-time? Yes, sir. Okay. Did you go to university? Uh, yes. Okay. So, what are you worried about? What's keeping you up at night? Um, I just um I don't know. the I think the value I hold over my parents' life is a lot and I'm starting to detach from that. But I also have a bunch of younger siblings that live at home. I also don't want to lose them in the crossfire. But that's not If you were to tell your parents, I'm I'm going to get my own place. What would they say? Do do they not want you to have your own place? I don't think they don't want it. I think my parents are more on the side of stay home, it's cheaper. Um, they don't ever want me to rent. Um, you live in Ontario. You're going to have to be a bajillionaire to buy a place. I know. So, let me ask you this. Are your parents safe? Do you believe in your guts? They care about you and want you to have a good out you have good outcomes. Yes. Okay. So, if you sat down with one or both of them and said, "I've heard you. You don't want me to rent. I need to go explore being an adult. I would love to have your blessing. I'm going to do this. I would love to have your blessing and I'd love to be able to call home and get some support and care as I transition to independence." What would they say? I think right now they would just blame it on my relationship and that's why I want to move out. Doesn't matter. No. I I don't think they're going to hate you. I don't think they're going to write you off, especially if you have an adult conversation about transitioning towards adult things. My hope is that people, parents and their children have this conversation at 18 when the first kid goes to college or the first kid goes to trade school, which is like, hey, this is step one into adulthood. None of us, none of I I am the second oldest of seven kids. None of us has moved out or went away for school. Okay. So, you're blazing a trail. And I'll tell you on behalf of all 23 year olds, I'm sorry that your parents aren't interested in transitioning you to the next stage of your life. It sounds like they have created a bubble. And by the way, it's not easy for parents. My son's 15. I'm already pregrieving him leaving. I'm already pre-sad. But it's right. It's the next right stage for him. And you you're going to have to decide whether you want to be uncomfort. I mean, here's the deal. You're going to be uncomfortable. There's no question. You're going to have to decide, do I want to be uncomfortable doing what's going to be best for my 25year-old self and 35year-old self and 45year-old self? Cuz here's the other thing. Who cares if one of the main reasons you're moving out because you're interested in somebody else that you might want to make a life with? That's normal, too. I'm concerned that your parents don't have any interest in what comes next for you other than just continue to live here forever indefinitely cuz it's expensive and you just save up $2.2 million while you're living here at home and then you can like that just I don't know something about this isn't sitting right with me and I don't for sure know what it is. It's one of two things. Either your parents are very kind but through their kindness they are very oppressive and overbearing. They want to control your life or this guy is not a good human being. He's a pretty abusive guy and your parents don't have the courage to sit down and say like, "Hey, here's what we're seeing in him." And so they're just making this esoteric arguments about, "Well, he should come visit you more, which means we want to be able to keep our thumb over him, too." Like, you're 23 years old. The reality is you can go do what you want to do, but those decisions come with real consequences. math problems like rent, money, cell phone bills, gasoline. So, you have to ask yourself, do I want to work a full-time job plus maybe another job on top of that so that I can afford to live in Ontario? Do I want to move? Do I want to go get an apartment on the other side of the province? Do I want to move to the States? Do I want to I don't even know if you're allowed to do that anymore. Um, do I want to go make some changes in my life? You get to do that. You're 23 years old. But if you're constantly living for their approval and their approval continues to move on you, um, that's a that's a red flag for me. It's your move. I think I know which one you're going to choose. I actually think I I think you're going to stay. And I want to challenge you to at least go look at some apartments, at least go get some real numbers and see what it would take because I think the easiest thing for you would be to stay. And maybe that's the example you're going to set for all your siblings. That there's a time when an adult needs to go be an adult when we come back. A man copes with his wife considering being a surrogate. We'll be right back.

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All right, let's go out to Knoxville, Tennessee, and talk to Will I am. What's up, William? Hey, Dr. John. How's it going, man? Super pumped to be on your show. Thanks, man. Thanks for calling in, dude. What's up? So, a few weeks ago, my wife brought up that she is considering being a surrogate for her sister, for her little sister, and I'm not okay with it. Yeah. So, I guess it's a I guess it's a two-part question. First, um how can I say no while protecting our marriage? And and second, if she ultimately decides to go through with it, uh how do I keep resentment from taking over? Yikes. I mean, this is one of those uh you don't have a lot of say in what she does with her personal body. And at the same time, you should have a y'all should I mean it I don't know, man. It's it's So, when you said I'm not cool with it, what did she say? Uh she was pretty understanding, you know, but I could just see in her face that there's something inside her that, you know, she's just very close with her family there. There's a lot of there's some background to it that, you know, it makes sense why she would consider it. Um, but when it comes to the context of our family and kind of our relationship, I just How long have y'all been married? um five years in December. You'll have your own kids. Yes, we have a three-year-old boy and a one-year-old boy. Jeez. And just to give you a little context about everything, so before we got married, I was, you know, very open about having wanting to have three to four kids. Um, and since we've had two, obviously, you know, things have changed, you know, now that we realize kind of what how much of a handful everything is. And, um, she's very adamant, you know, we're done at two. And I am more than content and and grateful and, you know, understanding of her, you know, decision. and and I'm you know there's no resentment even remotely towards her about that. Um, so when she brought this up to me, there was just a lot of, you know, confusion as why she would be willing to go through the pregnancy and do all these things for her sister when she's told me multi on multiple occasions that, you know, she's not, she just doesn't want to deal with it again for our family. Yeah, I I mean this is going to sound harsh I'm about to say, but I think you're asking the wrong questions. The right question is if she comes home and says, "I'm pregnant with my sister and another man's baby, what are you gonna do?" And if that is a violation of this co-created life that y'all both agreed to leave, then you need to put that on the table. If you consider that a violation of fidelity, right? And at the same time, if you're not going to leave, then there's something about making peace with it and saying, "Okay, I'll be here during this, too. But trying to figure out how to not be resentful when this happens and and this something you consider a pretty significant violation of on several fronts and at the same time recognizing it's her body. She can kind of do what she wants to, right? Like like a like a lesser way lesser version of this. Somebody called on the show once and is or a woman called and she wanted to get a bunch of tattoos and her husband doesn't didn't like it. didn't think it was attractive. And at the end of the day, she can walk into a tattoo parlor and do whatever she wants. And is she willing to to put his needs behind hers? You can do that. And that comes with a cost. And is he willing to put that aside and say, "But whatever. She's my wife and I love her." Or, "I'm out." Like it it I wish it wasn't that cut and dry, but it kind of is because then it keeps all this middle stuff out of the way. Do you get what I'm saying? Yeah. But but yeah, this for multiple reasons. I I mean, feel free to be entitled to however you feel. And my guess is that pregnancies were all pregnancies come at a at a cost to the existing relationship. I always tell people when you when you get pregnant, when you like when y'all start moving down towards next kid, that marriage is over and you got to build a second marriage or a third marriage or in your case it would be a fourth marriage, right? Yeah. And I guess the main, you know, I've never even in the past couple weeks since I've been thinking about this and, you know, leaving has never even crossed my mind. It's more of a um you know I've seen how she's handled the postpartum. you know, she deals with pretty severe anxiety and all these things. And I just have a hard time seeing myself having empathy and not being resentful to towards, you know, the inevitable postpartum recovery and all these things when we have the our two youngans that need their mom. They need her to be present. They need her um you know, she's putting herself through all this potentially. I mean, she hasn't made a decision yet, but And is that is that a conversation that can be had, which is have you said those things out loud in a not as detailed way? I mean, we've had one or two conversations about it. And I think our first one was more of a, you know, she kind of just told me it and I was on my way out of the house going to work and I, you know, I wasn't I didn't blow up at her by any means, but I was very like clear in, you know, that I completely disagreed with the deci, like just even the idea of it. And she kind of, you know, it's not like she got hurt or anything, but I could just see in her face. And then I brought it up a few days later just to just to kind of reiterate everything and she you know she was like okay I understand I get it you know but we haven't sat down and actually said like we need to like figure out if this is actually something that like could become reality because I mean right now all I'm doing is making up, you know my feelings and how I'm going to respond to everything. Yeah. You're having a ton of imaginary conversations with yourself. Yeah. And it's dividing the relationship in your own house unnecessarily. Like you're you're fighting with her on a minute-by-minute, hour-by hour basis. So you you you've lit a fuse to your existing relationship based on one conversation in the kitchen that a year out may be based in guilt and in feeling sorry for a sister and in what is my purpose? I mean in in any number of things and at the same time you put your foot down and you saw her face and it's kind of like it's kind of like guys who act all tough and hard like I'll hit that dude. Sometimes when you hit somebody as hard as you can, it it doesn't it doesn't re it doesn't the real world implications of that. What actually happens in real life watching somebody crumble or their face explode or their teeth fall out or what breaking your hand, whatever. It's not the fantasy you had in your head and you turned and and walked out the door and you let her have it, man. And then you saw that you melted your wife and that didn't feel good either, right? Yeah, it definitely didn't feel good. And it and I mean that was the kind of the main reason I wanted to reach out and just get a second opinion on everything. And so I my challenge to you would be that wouldn't have been the place to blow up on the way out the door. Yeah. And maybe the place to start, not maybe I would suggest or if I'm in your seat, I would I would sit down and say, "Hey, on the way out the door the other day, we had this conversation and I didn't handle it well. I'm sorry." because it sounds like you're frustrated at yourself, too. And by continuing to be mad at her, it justifies your feelings about yourself. Yeah. I've I've always kind of had pride in the fact when our relationship, I mean, we've been together for a decade plus, and I've always, you know, I'm very opinionated about things with her, but I always just kind of say my piece and and then if she makes a decision, it's, you know, she's a grown woman. and she can kind of do whatever, you know, she, like you said, she can do whatever she she wants. Um, yeah, but dude, this that's not a marriage, man. That's two people living side by side. You get what I'm saying? Yeah. Am I Am I crazy? No. No. I just, you know, I've always felt felt like that's that's kind of a the best approach. I guess it's just more because I feel uh you know, I feel better when she kind of approaches things that way. I know, man. But that's ego, dude. That's like you wanting the world to bend to the way that you want things done, and that's just not why you I mean, that's just not how people work. or I'm wondering what would have happened if she had said, "Hey, I'm thinking about being a surrogate for my sister. You know, she's having problems getting pregnant and they told her that she can't carry a baby and I'm thinking about doing this." And on the way out the door, when you feel your temperature rising, you're already late to work, you got to get out. And she drops this doororknob disclosure on you as you're walking out to turn and say, "Man, that's really big. I appreciate you sharing that. Can we set up some time to talk through that? Yeah, that probably would have been a little bit more effective. Yeah. And patient. And if nothing else, it it reiterates the version of you that you want to be in the world. Cuz I don't think you want to be a Knoxville, Tennesseeian who's like barking at your wife and telling her the way she's going to do things and what's going to happen. You don't want to be that guy, but it comes out that way, right? sometimes. Yeah. I mean, if we're going to be honest. Yes. And then you just have to roll your eyes and be like, "Man, women are going to do what women do and she just can do whatever she want." Like, that's just not a good That's just not a marriage. That's just two people running side by side. Or in my experience, and I don't want to cast this in your life, but in my experience, that's the marriage that somebody at your office is going to think your jokes are freaking hilarious. or you're gonna turn in a presentation and one woman in the back's gonna be like, "Dude, you crushed that presentation." It's gonna feel so good. And that's going to be the tiny little crack in the armor. You know, you get what I'm saying? Yeah. And I don't want to speak that over your life, man, but this is a huge decision and you're right to have every bit of your being in care come out. You've watched your wife suffer after two pregnancies. You see the chaos of your house and in your deepest, darkest dreams, you would want a third or maybe even a fourth kid. and you'd be willing to endure all that with her for the benefit of this picture you have 18 years from now of four knuckleheaded kids sitting around a Thanksgiving table. But when somebody comes in and drops that on you and you realize I'm about to lose control of my of what little control I have over this chaotic house. You got two young kids. You have a wife who's struggling postpartum. Like all that stuff. Yeah, man. It's a lot. I've just never seen that go well when met with when declaration is met with declaration. Yeah. And I guess too, you know, her sister has a has a baby, so they she can get pregnant. They just had a hor a traumatic experience and she's not willing, you know, which is understandable to go through that whole or even risk going through that again. So, what's the chance that your wife wasn't even remotely if she was just saying out loud or let me back up. Is there ever a time she says something declarative when really she's just testing her own waters? I'm sure there have been. Yeah. I mean, she's It seems like in that specific situation, I was just like I said, I just kind of was gauging her body language. It's very I I think this just conversation needs to be revisited in a much more understanding approach and just kind of see if she's even, you know, I have never stories are even true. I've never seen an outside of an abusive situation, which I don't see it that at all. I've never seen a marriage the repair part, which is an essential part because every

Marriage gets sideways. Every, every, every partnership goes sideways, always. I've never seen a repair conversation not aided by one person saying, "Hey, I want to revisit this and I absolutely blew it." And I just want to start by saying I'm sorry. And maybe you're not sorry for having your feelings. I don't, I'm not saying you should. I'm not saying you should be sorry for being mad that your wife wants to give somebody else a kid when you want another one. Like, I'm The sorry is I said some things in a way that a, I don't want to be that guy, and b, I hurt you. Even if I was right, I hurt you with it. And I'm sorry about that. I'm sorry that I contributed to you feeling less than.

Tell me what's going on in your heart and your mind about wanting to get back and have, have a kid, another kid that's not ours. And I'm going to, I'm going to be honest with you. And if this is the moment to say, like, I really want a third kid, not right this second. Our life is chaos, but I do. I still have that picture in my head. Then you got to be honest and put that on the table. Um, and if you really don't, you're totally good with two and I don't want to do this again. Cool. Then asking, like, help me square this up because together we had a dream and together we chose a different path and now I feel like the path is getting changed again and I want to do that together too. But again, all of this starts with reestablishing safety. That's just part of the repair process. And it's not kumbaya safety and it's not nonsense woke safety. It is just saying, come what comes, I'll be right here with you. I'm always going to choose relationship over being right. And I didn't handle that one right. And so I've set aside some time for us to get away, reimagine our marriage together. I want to hear more about your heart about this. I know your sister's hurting. I know you're hurting for hurting for your sister. I want to hear you out. And sorry I snapped at you on the way out the door. And let's just agree that big grenades like that, let's don't drop those when I'm walking out the door, too. Like, both of y'all can learn from this. And in the future, if you have a big bomb like that you want to drop, let's set up some time. Hey, I have a big conversation I want to have. Be great. And let's start from there.

I think you're a good man, dude. And I'll reiterate it, man. Any, any man at any time who catches himself being somebody he doesn't want to be. And I have high, high respect for that man. Especially when he says, "All right, I'm going to do the next right hard thing." Even if that means taking a knee in front of his wife and saying, "I'm sorry. I think I was right, but I'm sorry and I want to be with you as we decide what happens next." And dude, if she wants to go through with this all the way, y'all both call me back and we can, we can have that out on the air. That'd be fun. Um, but it's an honor to talk to you, brother. You're not crazy, but you still got to go back and repair it and do the next right thing. We'll be right back.

This show is sponsored by Better Help. Most of us are guilty of oversharing with the internets or with the wrong person at one time or another. Or maybe you're just like me and you're just a bit of an oversharer all the time. And let's be honest, our entire culture is based on oversharing. Everyone is giving everyone else mental and emotional health advice, and some of it may be good, but a ton of it is nonsense. As fun as it can be to talk about everyday stuff with everyone all of the time, when you need real help with your relationships, with anxiety, depression, or other clinical issues, they may not have the right answers. You need real guidance from a licensed therapist who follows a strict code of conduct. And that's why I recommend reaching out to my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is the largest online therapy provider in the world. And that means no matter what you're facing, chances are they've got someone who specializes in exactly the thing you're struggling with. And this is totally online and it makes it easy to fit therapy into your busy schedule. To get started, just answer a few simple questions, nothing weird or scary, and they will connect you with a licensed therapist who fits your needs. Plus, if it's not the right fit, you can switch therapists at any time for no extra cost. BetterHelp has been matching people with therapists for over a decade and their 4.9 rating shows they're really good at matching clients and therapists. So talk it out with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com/deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp h.com/deloney.

All right, we're back with a money and marriage question. These are questions left in the anonymous question box at the money and marriage marriage retreat. We have one coming up in November and we have one coming up Valentine's Day weekend, '26. Here's the question. During sex, if my husband loses his erection, he feels so bad and embarrassed. I tell him not to feel bad, but I know he does. How do I assure him it's okay? I mean, I, I don't know that you can assure him that like there's so many layers to that. I guess layer number one is we've turned sex into a performance. How well is he performing? How well is she performing? And number two, everybody, both women and men, everybody has been told since you're zero, that men can't even help it. They just want to have sex with everything all the time forever and ever. And it's just not true. Um, and number three, I don't know how old this person is. I don't know ages. I don't know hormones. I don't know obesity levels. There's so much going on here. And so, yeah, there's few things. There's few things more like that is hard for a man to hear than it's okay. Like, no, no, no guy wants to hear, like, it's okay. Um, but also that's sometimes the best thing you can do or already have a plan for what happens. If this happened regularly, you need to go to the doctor. If it happens every once in a while, then having a plan for, okay, if this happens while we're having sex, we're going to pivot to fill in the blank. Um, and then he has a choice that you can't give to him, right? No amount of patting him on the head and being like, "It's okay." That's not going to make him feel better. He's going to have to choose that. Sometimes bodies just do what bodies are going to do. It just happens. Doesn't mean you're not attractive. Doesn't mean he's not into sex. Doesn't mean any of that stuff. It just means this just happened. And if it happens once every whatever that happens. If it happens after he's had two drinks, then he needs to quit drinking. Like, if it happens after I fill in the blank, then he can look for that pattern of behavior. And if it happens regularly, he needs to go talk to a doctor. Period. Um, nobody talks about this stuff happening in real life. And there, I promise you guys will talk about a lot of stuff. No guys sitting around being like, "Guess what, dude?" Like, I keep losing my erection. Like, that just doesn't come up. This is a conversation had not in the moment. Whether it happens every once in a while, whether it happens more regularly, regularly. This is a conversation that needs to happen over a breakfast or a lunch. Like, and you spouse say, I'm going to put, I'm going to have an awkward conversation when we are sleeping together, when we're having sex, and you lose your erection. I still love you, and I still got my needs, and so this is how I want to pivot. Great. Or this is where we can have fun after that moment. Great. And then he gets to choose whether just to bury his head and, and oh, woe is me, or he can make his move. The second layer to that conversation is, hey, this has been happening regularly. I want you to go to the doctor. I love you and I don't like seeing you ashamed and I know your sexuality is a big part of your, your identity. Our joy and fun and excitement and hilarity and like connection. And I want you to go see a doctor. I'm not going to see a, I'm asking you, will you go see somebody? I would feel loved if you went to see a, a physician to to get some some sense into, um, what's going on with your biology. Could be a heart issue. It can be a weight issue. Could be a testosterone issue. It could be a psychological issue. It could be a number of things. I would feel loved if you went and saw somebody. It's going to be so weird and awkward. You want to hear about my OB/GYN appointments? I didn't think so. Go, go, go, go see somebody. And so that's the way to handle that. But in the moment, no guy is going to feel good when it's and then just a pat on the head like, it's okay. It's not. It's not okay. Especially with how performance-minded sex has become in our culture. So that's my answer to that. Kelly, anything you want to add? Nope. I Nope. Nope. Man, you really wimped out on that one. Love you guys. Bye.

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