Transcription
indicated. We will look at the why behind self-awareness in coaching. We will look specifically at the competency number seven of the ICF. We will look at your own self-awareness as a coach. We will have a look in detail at practical skills. How do I evoke self-awareness in clients? And we will look at tools that you can use in your next session. We obviously going to do a try out. We're going to experiment with things and we will have fun experiences with that.
Let me ask you, what actually is self-awareness? Help me out. Can I answer?
>> Yeah, absolutely. What is it for you, Sana?
>> For me, self-awareness is, um, knowing your strengths and weaknesses. They could be emotional strengths and weaknesses. These could be mental strengths and weaknesses. Uh, just, uh, know being knowing that.
>> Okay. Awesome. Thank you. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Please.
>> All right. Um, I think self-awareness would be to, uh, to be to be present to, uh, uh, yes. To know your strengths, weaknesses, your emotions, everything. But to be present in the moment and to be able to understand, um, or to feel what you are going what you are understanding or what what you are experiencing in that moment because you're aware of yourself so that you can, um, hold on to your, uh, sort of you so that you don't react, but you have the ability to respond.
>> I feel self-aware takes you towards that.
>> Got it. So, very much about being present in the moment and what you're experiencing in that moment.
>> Yeah. Okay. Awesome. Thank you, M. And I see Elaine put on the chat, knowing yourself. Be conscious and have an accurate view of how you think, you feel, how you behave, how others see it. And I'm curious, Elaine, you highlight having an accurate view. How do you know that?
>> Yeah, I mean, that that is that's the challenge, isn't it? How do you know that that part and particularly how others see you? Um, I guess taking, you know, what what following on from what Majin was saying about being present, um, and you really striving to be to notice yourself are ways to, um, I guess increase self-awareness. Asking people for, you know, for their feedback on how they perceive you can be helpful, but it is challenging to to to get to be accurate, to really know yourself.
>> Okay, I hear you. Thank you.
>> Was it Socrates who said, you know, the most important thing is know thyself. And at the same time, Hogan says, uh, who you think you are is not relevant. Only how you're being perceived is relevant.
>> Thank you, Elen. Yes. Who else?
>> I mean, I think self-awareness to me is like actually knowing how that you interact with the world. So that's people in situations. Um, and then understanding maybe what's driving your behavior, what's driving your reactions, and really tapping into the emotions and then going, okay, well, I might react because of X, Y, Zed, and just having that self-awareness so that you can either change or you can modify your behavior if you need to or embrace it as well.
>> Got it. It's kind of understanding the deeper needs that you might have as a human being as well and what drives you. Not only the strengths and the weaknesses, but also what drives you, not what motivates you. Yeah.
>> Awesome. Thank you D. Yes.
>> So I believe self-awareness is the basis of, uh, emotional intelligence. So knowing yourself and then adapting to the situation are the need of the external environment. So if you, you know the yourself, then you can adapt to the external environment situations.
>> Got it. Okay. So self-awareness allows you to be flexible in behavior.
>> Yeah.
>> Yeah. Okay. Okay.
>> Yeah. Did we kind of capture it or anybody thinks they want to add something else that is valuable to the group?
Okay, then we'll go ahead. In a way, self-awareness has to do with it's the capacity to perceive, comprehend, accept oneself, right? As well as being able to reflect on those inner emotions, right? Um, it's capacity to recognize, differentiate those emotions, understanding the thoughts, the physical state that we are in and allowing ourselves to see from an external perspective. Right? Without self-awareness, we kind of remain oblivious to the influence or the impact that we might have on others. All kinds of facets of life, right? It might be at school, it might be at home, at work, in a social setting. It's kind of realizing the impact and realizing how our attitudes, words, and actions impact those around us.
Now, in order to have that to be on that journey of self-awareness, um, it's important to have an open mind, but it also requires courage. It requires courage to get ourselves humility and acknowledging some of the limitations that we might have. Right? When somebody goes on that path of self-awareness, it's over often triggered by some kind of desire to change, right? Desire to change because of having some painful situations that we are in. It will help to identify the mindset. It will help to identify the beliefs, the habits, the growth areas. But it can be very unsettling. It can be emotionally challenging to get that self-awareness. And hence when we get self-awareness, self-acceptance also is important in that process.
So what we are going to do is we are going to go again into a breakout room with two people and it's two minutes each way. Person A is going to tell a story about a time when you had a surprising realization about yourself. Person B listens and then kind of makes notes to understand what helped them become aware of it. What exactly was the light bulb moment about how did it feel when that awareness clicked for this person. Okay. So they are not going to tell the person, right? It's just going to person A tells story and person B makes these notes. Okay, two minutes and then the other way around. Person B is going to tell the story and person A listens from the perspective of identifying the answer to these questions. Make a screenshot so that you have the questions, um, out there. Actually, I can put them on the chat, but I'm not sure they will go into the breakout rooms as well. I don't think so. Let me try. Oh, it didn't come out. I'll find a way. Um, I would say let's make a screenshot to to be absolutely sure because it didn't come out correctly on one side. Okay. Um, let me make those breakout room tools. One second. I think we got them and I'm going to set up, uh, four minutes, right? So that you have exactly the time, two minutes each. Any questions before we go into the breakout room?
No. Okay, there we go.
We want to really understand how is it, how is self-awareness important in a coaching conversation? What makes it so important to to get to that self-awareness? When you look at these pictures, what do you notice?
Reflection.
>> What did you say?
>> It's the mirror effect.
>> Sorry.
>> Okay.
>> Yeah, absolutely. The mirror effect. But what do we notice in these mirrors?
>> The reflection.
>> What kind of reflection? Elaine, I heard you say before it has to be the accurate.
>> Yes.
>> And that is why accurate. What? What is who decides accurate? Who decides what is accurate?
>> I mean, look at how these mirrors are. What is the effect of it? Right.
>> Like lion.
>> Yeah.
>> In some places it's either pointing out at, um, it's showing you what you were not aware of. So maybe you were feeling too small, but in reality, it's showing you your real potential.
>> It could be better than what you imagined it to be. It could be worse than what you were imagining it to be. So it's showing you a true picture of your inner self and of what of your potential, your true potent inner potential that that you could achieve.
>> Yeah, I would say this is kind of how they see themselves in the mirror, right? I might have a client who comes to me and they think when they look in the mirror, they think they see a rotten banana, right? And I would go like, where do you see that? Right? Because in a way, as a coach, my role is to hold up the mirror for them and help them see what do they actually see. By asking questions, they will do the thinking and they will come to a realization of something. Yeah. In a way, research has shown that 90% of top performers have high self-awareness. People who have that self-awareness, they are generally happier. They make better decisions. They have stronger relationships. The thing is that only 10 to 15% of people actually are self-aware. That comes out of the research of Tasha Boying, right? And hence the coaching opportunity is to, you know, most people think they have they are self-aware, but actually they are not. So there's an opportunity to for transformation in that with them, right? It's the magic of, "I never realized that." Who kind of noticed in a client who kind of had already worked with it can be a client. It can be somebody in the family who kind of shared a profound realization. What's kind of most profound realization? Think of that. And in a way, as a coach, what we do, we have that superpower to help people see their own brilliance, their blind spots, possibilities of believing in them where they didn't believe in themselves. And that is the competency seven of evoking awareness because evoking awareness, according to the ICF, what it really means, it says is facilitating the insight for the client and learning. We facilitate the insight and the learning by using tools and techniques such as powerful questioning, but also, and I heard nobody saying it, by silence, by simply being there with them, being quiet, it gives them the time to think through this to something, right? By using metaphors, by using analogies. In plain English, it's like helping the client discover things about themselves that they didn't know that they didn't know. Right? But notice this. The ICF says facilitates. That means I'm not going to give them the awareness. I will help them discover it themselves. I'm not going to say, "You are like this," right? I'm going to let them discover it by themselves. And that is where the skill comes in because that's a very difficult thing to do in a way, right? What the ICF actually says when they evoke awareness, this is the definition, right? Facilitates a client's insight and learning by using tools and techniques such as powerful questioning, silencing, metaphor, or analogy. And I will let you read through. I will give you a few seconds to retrace and then tell me what stands out for you. Anything specific that's that you notice in this that stands out from my own experience with coaching. I always really, uh, appreciated when the coach challenged me. So I can see there on point two, it says, challenges the client as a way to evoke awareness or insight. If I would have had like assumptions or maybe blind spots or a lack of belief in certain areas, and then they would challenge me, like, where does where does that come from? And tell me more about that. And, you know, what has made you come to that, you know, conclusion or to that thought process. So, um, I think that's very powerful.
>> Awesome. Thank you, Mark. What stands out?
>> I really like the language, actually, um, invites.
>> Okay.
>> And sharing without attachment, um, you know, and it was interesting what you said, you mentioned last time about the why question and how, you know, that can feel to to somebody else's sometimes quite direct, quite grilling. So I like the softness of the the language there, inviting the client. So not putting somebody on the spot and pressurizing them, but actually creating the moment in which that person, um, feel, you know, is is able to feel, um, stimulated to to, you know, think in a different way or consider almost step outside of themselves.
>> And, um, notice their own behavior or thinking or feelings. So, yeah, I really like that.
>> Okay. And, uh, regarding that point 11, right, sharing an observation, an insight, or a feeling without attachment, that would mean that I would say something, I would reflect something back saying, I'm no, I'm, I'm sensing that this can, this seems to be uncomfortable. And they might be like, no, no, no, no, no, no. It's, it's absolutely not. And then without attachment means that I'm not going to say, but I see it is like that. You just don't realize. I, I have no, if I have no attachment. If they say it's not the case,
>> fine. As a coach, I'm perfectly fine with that. I have no attachment to them owning what I'm reflecting back.
>> Yeah. Thanks.
>> Yeah. Yes.
>> Yeah. So, I would like to, uh, elaborate a little further. Same point number 11, which, um, Eileen was talking about. Uh, in my experience, I feel this the most trickiest one because, um, when, uh, when you start sharing your observations or feelings or insight, even if without attachment, what happens is that you, you tend to, you tend to go in, like, greater depth in detail because it's, it's something that you're sharing and you've experienced it. But what you realize, it, um, what you realize in the course of the conversation with the coachi is that you, at times, it, it also digresses. It, it becomes as a digression. And, uh, the coachi or the person who's who's sitting with you and isn't isn't really feeling that. And, um, so I, I feel that this, this is the trickiest. And, um, that personally I'm also working on the how exactly what to share and how to share so that it can really, um, have that potential to create new learning for the client, if at all, you know.
Okay, help me understand Mabin, when you highlight when you say, oh, sharing something, does that mean that you would share a personal experience that you went through to help them understand the situation?
>> Yes, could be at times.
>> So that it can sort of become relatable. So at times it works and at times I can see that, okay, it's digressing. So I obviously cut it short and then I'm like, okay, that did help, you know, so or, or that did help them come to whatever clarity they were what wanting.
>> Yeah, because when we have a coaching, when we have a coaching conversation, it's all about the client. It's not about us, right? So when we have that urge, when we notice that urge to share something that we had a similar situation at that moment in time, we make it about us, right?
>> We always want to keep the focus on the client. It's not about us. Even if we feel the urge to say and to share, you know, and maybe we think they are going to relate to it, they they're not, right? So, if you have that urge and you absolutely want to share it because you believe it's to their benefit, right? Always when we speak, when we work with a client, the question is, is my question helping the client or is it helping me?
>> If it's me, it's not a good question, right? If it's to help the client, and if we absolutely want to share a certain situation, we could say something like, there's something that I've noticed with a few of my clients that might work for them, and I just want to put it out here on the table to see if that would work for you as well. Or I could say, I have heard from another client who had a similar situation. But I would it would never be, I had this experience because they disconnect in that moment.
>> Yeah.
>> Yeah. Does that kind of
>> Yes. Yes. Of course. Of course. Agreed.
>> Even if the story is yours, you would say a client.
>> Yeah. I'm what I'm just my own personal experience is kind of connecting the two, um, shares there from Mark, Elaine, and, and Maja as well. Um, I know from my own experience with with with coaching, um, it was the client, the coach challenging me, but in essence also sharing an observation. Like so they would be like, you know what, I'm noticing here is is that, you know, can you tell me more? So it kind of is that sharing an observation, but challenging at the same time. And I think for me, that was where the sweet spot. Like I see a couple of key terms there is beyond current thinking without attachment. And another phrase that jumps to mind for me was that that came up in our previous breakout room that was shared was that non-judgmental. Like if we're entering a coaching conversation, we have that shared understanding. It's not judgmental. So that's sort of paraphrasing what I'm hearing is or what I'm noticing is, can you tell me more? And that's where the challenge sits. And that's for me, I know for me from my experience with, um, being coached, um, was that's where where the sweet spot for me beyond my current thinking was.
>> Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. Thank you so much Mark Michael for for bringing that up.
>> Yeah. Any further thoughts on on the ICF definition? And how that would show in real life and working with a coach.
No. Okay, let's go to the next one. And in a way, what we want to highlight here is kind of the self-awareness iceberg. The iceberg is used in every single model about everything, right? It's always so funny. I find that, um, what the client see is they see their behavior, they see their reactions, and they see surface level problems, right? They notice the emotions that's kind of on the border, right? And as a coach, we will help them discover what is below. What are the patterns, the recurring patterns? What actually triggered them to behave like this? What actually triggered them to act like this? What what triggered them to think like this? What are the deeper values? What are the deeper beliefs? The assumptions, right? Really going into that identity, some of the fears that they might have. Some of wanting to be authentic, right? That is where the biggest breakthroughs will happen. It's not about, oh, you know, I want to work on my time management. I'm going to make a calendar. That's not going to do the trick, right? It's about what is the identity, what are the values, what are the beliefs underneath of all of that, right?
So what we are going to do next is we are going to go in a break and we are going to take a break of, let me see what is the time. Um, let's do a pretty short break. Can we do a break of exactly 10 minutes from now because we still have a lot of very interesting things to cover and, um, to experiment. So, I would say exactly 10 minutes from now, look at your clock, have that self-accountability, and I'll see you in 10 minutes. Go and do some jumping jacks instead of driving for coffee. I'll see you back in 10. Ciao.
Here. And we want to look at. Thank you, Kadija. We want to look at two dimensions of self-awareness. There's the internal self-awareness, which means we are understanding our own preferences, ourselves, the strengths, the weaknesses. We also understand the consequences of those choices and actions and we try to avoid being blinded by emotional reactions, right? That emotional roller coaster. But there's also the external self-awareness. That means seeing yourself from the outside, appreciating the viewpoints from others, making empathetic decision, building those strong relationships, that's very important for building the interactions with colleagues, partners, clients, right? And in a way, when we put those on a scale, we might see something like this, right? I'm not 100% sure, but I think it's kind of an interesting perspective of a high self-internal, high internal self-awareness, but on the left hand side, you see that low external self-awareness can lead to people who very do a lot of introspection, but might not realize how the external world fuels them. Some of you who has that high internal awareness on the top and on the right hand side and also that high external awareness might be more aware. And then I find this interesting, somebody who has that high external awareness on the right hand side, but low internal awareness. They might be pleasing others because they are not so aware of their own needs. Like they might put themselves on the side. And then have in the, um, bottom left hand corner, the low excellence of awareness and low influence of awareness. You know, people who might be seeking, right? Um, but what I mostly love to do, and we're going to really do some interesting exploration on this, is the Johari window. Here you see the Johari window. Um, and this comes from, um, um, Joseph Lift and Harry Ingman and hence Joseph Joe Harry Harry Johari, you know, right? Um, where in a way it's a model that they use on self-awareness, right? Um, Carl, you said everything that irritates us kind of leads us to understand ourselves better, right? Um, people might push off buttons, but the only person who installed the bottom system is we, we ourselves, right? And hence, when we use the Johari window, we can help people in a systematic way to look at themselves, right? And I want you to look at the Johari window really in this way. You will notice when you Google the Johari, you will see a lot of wrong visualizations because the Johari window is created as if you're standing outside of this house, right? The house has four windows, and you see where you are standing. This is where you are standing, right? And you can see inside a few rooms, but you can't see inside other rooms. The other person is standing on the other corner of the house, and they can see inside the same room that you also see. We both can see room one, right? But the other person can also see what is inside room two. We can't see that, right? We can see what is inside room four. None of us can see what is inside room three. Right? Like I say, when you think of the Johari window, always visualize standing on both corners of the house with two people and think what you can see. A lot of what you see online has has wrong visualization.
Room one is the open area. It is for both you and the RC. It's the open self. We all can see this. I can see this as well. Room two contains the parts of me that only others can see. It's my blind self. Room three, nobody can see. It's the unknown self. It's the hidden area. And room four is the part that I can see, but others cannot see. This is the private self. So in order to become more self-aware, what we want to do is make room one larger in the house, and we do that by getting feedback from others by doing self-reflection. Right? So in a way, I'm going to challenge you. We are going to go into a breakout room and I want you to take, I think it's worksheet number one in your workbook, page on page 25, if I'm not wrong. If you go to the book page 25, worksheet number one, I think there it is. I'm going to challenge you to really think, what can I do as a coach to evoke awareness for the client on each of these rooms? Okay? So you're going to go with the people in your breakout room and think for room one, how can I help increase that awareness? For room two, how can I help increase that awareness? For room three, etc. You're each time going to go through this. What questions, if at all, you have on this before we go into the breakout room?
Can you just remind me? So room one is the open area.
>> Yeah, it's the open self. I can see that. Everybody else can see that.
>> Yeah. Room two is
>> it's the part that's the blind self, right? The others can see it. I cannot see it. Look at the visual aspect, right? Where this person is standing. I cannot see what is in room two.
>> Yeah.
>> But the others can see it. So it's my blind self. Room three, nobody can see. It's the hidden area. It's hidden for all of us. We kind of don't know what my potential might be. We don't know what else is there in myself. Right? And then room four, I know very well what is in room four, but I don't tell anybody. It's my private self. Yeah. Does that kind of clarify?
>> Yeah, it does. So, in the worksheet, you've got unknown area. So, does that relate to any of the rooms?
>> Yes. The unknown area would be room three.
>> Room three. Okay. And then hidden area is four.
>> Um, wait, maybe the That's what I say. Maybe the worksheet has it. Tell me what is all on the worksheet.
>> So it has open area, blind area,
>> room one, blind area is room two,
>> hidden area.
>> The hidden area is room three and
>> a area.
>> Oh, no, that that should be called the private self. That is a room four.
>> Yeah. So the description here is acknowledge that there are aspects of yourself that currently unknown to both you and others. These may be revealed through deeper exploration or
>> so that's private.
>> Ela, I will let you work with that in your teams right to try to figure all that out. If it's unclear, just use this screenshot and just use this way to to look at it. Right? Like I said, room number one is the open self. You both can see it. Room number two, the blind self. I cannot see that. The others can. Room number three, the hidden area. Nobody can see it. And room number four is the private self. Others cannot see that. If the description in the workbook is a little different, let's focus on what you see on screen.
>> Um, Tara, the workbook that you're referring to, is that the student handbook?
>> Um, I think that is
>> okay. Okay. Guess I wasn't sure what
>> Yeah, no worries. If not, feel free to just take a blind to just take a blank page and work from there.
>> Okay. Sure. Thank you.
>> Yeah. I should let me just see on how that split is. I'm going to actually create one this one second. Okay, everybody ready? I'm going to give you 10 minutes for this. Go over all the rooms the way that you see them on the screen. There you go. Oh, Muhammad, are you able to join as well? Yeah.
How can coaches use this, Johanna? Even though the open area, right? Um, reinforcing strengths. Sometimes they might know what their strength is, but maybe they don't, they kind of, you know, are not using it so much, right? Uh, encouraging them to leverage what they already know about themselves. And in a way that could sound something like, well, I'm, I'm noticing that you're aware that your team sees you as a great listener. How exactly do you use that in your leadership? Right? Or what strengths do you believe that others actually see in you? Or when have you felt most comfortable, most confident in your abilities, and what specifically made that possible? Right? We are in the self-awareness. People know this about themselves. They know the strengths, but maybe they don't realize how can I use it at this moment in time or does everybody else know it?
When we look for the second one, the second window, right? The blind spot, unknown to the self and known to others. Here we can use feedback tools, right? A 360 degree or what is being used very often these days is the Hogan, the Hogan assessment, right? The Hogan assessment gives an insight of how you're being perceived by others. Right? That's why I said Hogan, when he created the Hogan assessment, he said, it doesn't matter how you think about yourself when you're in a work environment. It only matters how you're being perceived by others because how you see yourself doesn't matter. Right? So using those assessments, um, it could be like, well, it seems that your colleagues see you, when, when, when a 360 comes in, right? It seems that your colleagues see you as more assertive than you think. How does that change your view of yourself? Right? Or how do you think your colleagues or friends would describe your leadership or communication style? Or what do you think people appreciate about you that you haven't acknowledged for yourself? Right? If you asked five people to describe you, what would, what do you think they would say? That's kind of creating that awareness in that blind spot window. Okay.
When we go to the next one, the hidden area on, uh, Oh, here is where I put that, Elena. I'm sorry. I realize how that can sound confusing. I, I'll correct that. Um, in the hidden area, you know yourself, but it's unknown to your. That's kind of what I referred to as a private, uh, self before, right? Um, where you know, clients might say, right, the coach helps the client feel safe to say what they're actually thinking, right? It's, it's really interesting to see clients who come and say, "I've never said this to anybody. I didn't even know I could speak about this with somebody. I'm saying what is really my deepest self." Right? Um, it could be asking questions like, what part of yourself do you hesitate to share at work? I'm not so sure that this is a great question, um, because that might feel, um, very forced in a way, but I really like that second question. What is something that you wish people would knew about you in specific moments, right? Or what would change if you allowed yourself to be more open with thoughts and feelings?
Okay. And then the last window is where the unknown self, right? That window in the back room that nobody sees. And here I really liked delay, what you highlighted and the, um, the doodle experiment as well. Um, I think in the workbook, you will see a Bruce post as a Bruce questionnaire, right? Where he goes over, I don't know, 40 different questions and helping understand what all might sit there. And qu oops, I'm so sorry. And questions could sound like this. What patterns have you noticed? Right? Becoming aware of patterns. And that's very often a difficult thing for clients to to realize, right? Um, how, where did you surprise yourself? What does that tell you about yourself? What activities or what, what brings out unexpected emotions? What might be holding you back? I would say go and have do that post questionnaire. It's a very interesting one. Um, when you notice you don't know the answers to these questions, you go like, "Oh my gosh, this questionnaire is so challenging." Feel free to go to a chat GPT or a cloth, upload the questionnaire and say, "Hey, with everything that you know about myself at this moment in time, what do you think are the answers to these questions for me?" As a coach, you for yourself, discovering your blind spot can be very, very difficult. You for yourself, discovering that, uh, that unknown self, that unknown area. JPD might help you with discovering these kind of things. Right? There's one question that says, what do you wish to do in three years' time? If you really have no clue, might be surprising what Chachi brings up.
In a way, I'm also when I look at the Johari window, and maybe this can be interesting, um, people. So, um, who read the book of the Harry Potters? Did everybody read the Harry Potter books? Yes. No. Do we have fans of Harry Potter in the room?
>> I haven't read all the books, but I've watched the movies. I've read some.
>> Okay. I watch the movies, but my kids and my husband, they're crazy about hand. So, I go along through them. So, I'm a passive fan. You're a passive fan. How about the others? Mark, Michael, Muhammad. Fans of Harry Potter?
>> Not really.
>> Not really. I read the first couple of books when I was a kid, but after that, no, I didn't. Sometimes I might watch the movie at Christmas time, but not a big fan.
>> Got it. Okay. Okay. Let me look at this from the Harry Potter perspective, right? Um, room number one, what does he know about himself and what is known to the others? He knows he's an orphan. He has an aunt, an uncle, and a cousin who doesn't who don't like him. And everybody knows his parents died in a car accident, right? What is known to himself and not to the others, right? That private room, that room number four, is he knows he has been mistreated, right? He lives under the stairs. The snake can't talk to him, right? The glass wall disappears. The family ignores his birthday. What is not known to himself, the blind spot, but known to others, right? Known to others. They knew that this is the boy who lived. This is he who must not be named has killed his parents and tried to kill him. Um, his mother was a witch. His father was a wizard and a seeker, and his father bullied Snape. And then what is not known to himself and also not known to others was, and that became clear after some time, that he was excellent on a broomstick, right? That his car connected him to Voldemort, that he will choose a wand that's twin was Voldemort, and that he was very brave and courageous. Okay, that kind of gives any idea of how this can look like. Right.
Let me quickly go to the letter of self-awareness to see how would this work with a client. Right? Because in a way, the first level of self-awareness is that the client would have is what actually happened. Right? Uh, the second level would be uncovering patterns. When does this show up? Right? Is there some kind of recurrent? The third level would be what are the beliefs that you would have about yourself in those situations? And then the fourth level is there's a choice, right? What are the choices? What are the possibilities that exist in those patterns? Okay, I'm not going to go into this u practice because of, um, we don't have that much time. Let me move to the next one here.
And what we want to look at is really understand what self-awareness looks like in a coaching session. Like I said, in that level one, they would say, "I don't know why this keeps happening to me," right? And in that stage two, they would say, "Oh, I, oh, now I see the pattern. I get it." Right? In stage four, they can see it happening in real time. And they realize the belief that they have about it. Stage five is realizing that they have choices that they didn't know that they had. Right? The way you would notice your client is getting self-awareness is because they would say things like, "I never thought of it that way." Or, "That's interesting." Or maybe long pauses, or maybe a body language shift, maybe an emotion release.
Let's look at some activation techniques. Powerful questions that can help raise awareness in our clients. What are you noticing about yourself when you notice emotional release? What is really going on for you? What patterns do you see? Or what would you tell a friend in this situation? Or maybe what are we not talking about here today? What would need to be true for this to make sense? Or if this situation were a gift, what would it be teaching you? The key is to ask open-ended questions so that they can't answer with a yes or a no. To ask questions that stimulates that thinking. It's not gathering information. It's stimulating thinking. Right? That gathering information is for me. They know the story. I don't need to gather information. I want to stimulate the thinking in them. Brief, simple language, no coaching language, right? If we move into coaching language, it becomes too complicated. They will say, "I can't follow the question. I don't get it. What you're talking about?" Right? And not imposing a framework that we might be having, right?
When we say we reflect things back, what is it that we want to observe and reflect back? Things like energy shifts. I'm not, I'm noticing a change in energy when you talk about this, or language patterns. I'm hearing that you keep saying, "I should do this." What would it feel like if you shifted that to, "I want"? Or body language. I'm noticing your shoulders just dropped. What happened there? Right? Contradictions. We would highlight those. We would reflect it back. Earlier you highlighted that you are fine, but in a way, I'm sensing, maybe do I hear that the voice is getting strained? Observations, no interpretations. Big difference. If we interpret, we are judging at that moment in time. Okay.
We're going to experiment with this. Obviously, we are going to experiment. Okay, we will have two people in the breakout room. We will do a breakout room of 10 minutes and we will have three minutes each. Three minutes for person A who will share something that they are work that they are working. Person B takes notes, makes observations, but do not advise. And then person A will share again what landed, what did they notice about themselves? Right? Any questions about this? We're going to go into coaching practice, basically, right? Um, like it will be three minutes, then one minute to kind of discuss it a little bit, and then three minutes again for the other person. What questions, if any, come up at this moment in time?
No questions. Let me just make sure everything is set up correctly. Yeah, all seems fine. So, I'm going to give for this 8 minutes in total, 3 minutes first person, debrief, 3 minutes second person. Make a screenshot so that you have all of this information and try it out. Try reflecting back. Try making observations. Um, see what you can use to get some awareness. Okay, let's go.
Hi Sarah.
>> Hey. Hey. Great to see you joining us.
>> Hi everyone. Uh, please give me some time. After that, I will definitely, uh, uh, turn on my camera and I'm just listening to you, just understanding the situation because I didn't know about today's class, so I, I've just joined it.
>> Okay. Awesome. We are discussing awareness.
>> Sorry.
>> We are discussing awareness.
>> Okay.
>> Awesome.
>> Yeah.
>> Thank you.
I bring up this slide because it's part of the book, right? Um, to me, it this says common client responses. And to me, I go, you know what? If we get a client response like this, this should be a red flag to you as a coach because if you read those client responses carefully, these clients feel judged, right? If they say, "I already know that." That's a defensive statement of somebody feels judged. If they say, "No, that is not me." Again, they feel judged, right? So when you get these kind of client responses, see them as red flags and in a way to shift it back is to be really, really curious, right? Sometimes they might maybe they say it because they don't want to recognize it, and that's fine, right? It means they are not ready for it. Don't push it, right? Whatever we reflect back, they have a choice to own it or not to own it. Right? So get curious, ask questions like, "Help me understand what does that exactly mean?" Right? If you say, "That's not me," what does you look like? Right? So things like that. Um, again, same with the question, "What would it mean if it were true?" Be careful because who knows what is true? I don't know what is true, right? So that word truth, I would say be very, very careful because I, I again find that that might be a word that causes defensiveness in people. Of course, it's true for them, right? If they feel that the boss is constantly picking on on them, that is their truth, right? Don't question that truth. That's how they feel it. That's how they experience it, right? Um, but use, if you notice any kind of resistance, see it as a red flag for you and then move it ahead by using it as as data.
Okay. Now we are going to do the opposite. Instead of talking and reflecting back, we are going to look at silence. When do we use silence? When there, when you notice there's a time that they need processing or to just see what they will come up with, what emotions are there, right? So it could be like saying something like, "Take your time," right? Or you just let them think. You just let them sit with themselves. For some people, that's really, really difficult, right? And we are going to go again into a breakout room. We're going to go into a breakout room of, um, four minutes. A breakout room of two people, two minutes each. That means person A is speaking and is explaining a challenge that they had. The other person, person B, is going to be silent the entire two minutes. Full two minutes. Person B is silent. And person B, I want you to notice what urges come up. What is it that you want to comment on? What is it that you want to do? Right? How does this feel for you, that silence? And for person A, when you notice somebody is not saying, what happens in you? Right? So we are going to practice silence, 2 minutes each. The whole breakout room is four minutes in total. Person A explains a challenge first. Person B is silent. After two minutes, you switch. Person A is silent. Person B explains a challenge. Any questions about this before we go into the breakout?
Oh, yeah, Sarah. So there is, there's absolutely no questions asked. Just.
>> So silence is about verbal or non nonverbal as well? So at times we are responding through non-verbals as well.
>> Let's try it out. If please all be on camera. Let's try it out. What happens for you? What comes up for you? Okay. I'm, I'm going to have, yeah, I'm going to have one room with three people. That means that I will, um, move the breakout room to about five minutes. So, if you're in a breakout room with two people, each person speaks two and a half minutes. If you're in a breakout room with three people, um, it's about 1.8 minutes each. Um, help each other with that time. Um, so that you get that to work. Let me move. Okay, I think we are ready. Yes. Um, did I put the time? There we go. Have fun. Muhammad, do you also get the prompt?
>> Uh, could you please route me to the breakout room?
>> Um, you are routed to it. Do you have the prompt?
>> No, I haven't received the prompt.
>> You don't? Then you might have to log out and come back in because I can't, um, change it.
>> Okay.
>> Um, yeah. Or, yeah. Actually, you know what I can do? Wait, Muhammad. Um, let me move you to one and then I'll move you back. One second.
>> Yeah, I have, I have received the prompt.
>> Okay. Now, take the second prompt. I was in a room by myself, Sarah. So, I've just.
>> I know Muhammad is trying to join, but he's facing challenges. I'm, I'm, I'm both going to move you to room number five. Muhammad, please pick up the prompt when it comes. Okay. You're together in in one room. You move.
>> Yeah. Please, please, please do.
>> Yeah. Moana, do you get the front?
>> Yes. Okay.
I can see laughing faces, smiling with the experience, and I'm curious, how did that feel? How did that feel as a coach not speaking? How did it feel as a client?
>> I just felt we needed more time. That is always there.
>> I've been through this activity in in my recent, uh, training, and there I was asked not to even do the non-verbal cues as well.
>> So it was really tough. So like, like verbals are okay, but non-verbals are very tough to hold on.
>> I agree. I, um, was with Muhammad, and we had, we had issues, so we only had like a minute each, um, and Muhammad went first, and I stayed absolutely silent. He's like, "Okay, I'm done now." I'm like, "Oh, yeah, cool. We've only got a minute each." So, yeah, it was kind of interesting. I actually was able to really maintain the silence, which was good because it's a new thing for me. I've been practicing silence. Um, but yeah, and then when I had to talk, I was like, "Oh, I've got a minute to get all my stuff out." It was a very interesting experience.
Got it. For whom was the two, the one or the two minutes long? Who was like, "Why is this not ending? Now I have to keep on talking." I guess both of us.
>> Both of us felt like this.
>> Okay.
>> It was the opposite for me and Elaine. I, I done the talking first, and Elaine done an excellent job at remaining silent, and I came at the issue a couple of different perspectives, but interestingly, Elaine was just sharing me at the end, which I didn't even realize, but the time was up for for for me to stop speaking, and Elaine just kind of left it, didn't say anything, and then I ended up pivoting into such a more, more solution-focused just at the end, like as in, like I got like a sort of a sense of clarity or a bit of a like a more positive shift on the end of what.
I was sharing, which was really interesting. We were just sharing. I didn't even realize that, but Elaine was about to just say, like, you know, that it's the two minutes or whatever is up, but she just left it. So, and I, it was a silent for quite a number of seconds, and then it just pivoted into that. So, um, but yeah, we only actually went. I was the only person that spoke, and Elaine done an amazing job. So, thank you, Elaine.
So, wait, hold on. Let, let me get that clear. You, because there was silence, you kind of coached yourself and moved, you automatically kind of got clarity and moved into a solution-oriented perspective.
I think I feel it probably was. I don't know, maybe it was. I, I don't really know what, what was, you know, I just kind of, maybe I was trying to fill the silence. Maybe I kind of, maybe subconsciously knew that the, the time was coming to an end, and I, I, I did want to finish on a positive note. I don't really know. But I just, I did, you know, I knew I had to share an issue, and it is an issue that's been kind of battling with it in my head. Um, and I guess, yeah, maybe it was just that I wanted to share, finish on a positive note, or maybe, you know, there is that sense of clarity kind of coming to my mind, and I did kind of get that at the end when I was even sharing, well, if this doesn't work out, then this is maybe a solution as well, what I need to think about. So, there definitely was a sense of clarity, and I think from the, the coach giving that space and that silence, you know, it definitely does help, you know, in, in sort of wrestling with that idea in your head.
Yeah, there was a real shift. Um, so we came to the end of the two and a half minutes, and naturally, Michael had sort of was, you know, I suppose had told the story. It was, it felt like a natural end. And I just thought, I, I was tempted to, oh, we need to swap over. And I thought, let's just, as an experiment, let's just see what happens if I just maintain that listening silence. And it was, it was a, it felt, you know, as the observer, it felt like it was a little bit of an awkward for a millisecond, and then Michael seemed to pivot into this kind of more positive, solution-focused thinking, which was really, I found really, really interesting because in a, you know, in a coaching situation, past, um, current, past, I would feel tempted at the end of that, right, he's now explained the issue. To there's a slight silence evolving to then jump in with another question. So, I, everything that I could do to stop myself from, you know, just, just to maintain it. And it was, I don't know whether it would happen in the same way again, but it just, for us, in that moment, it just was very, to me, was a very noticeable shift to you, Michael, um, looking at the kind of more solution-focused approach by yourself without me asking anything.
Love that, love that. I think I have the easiest job in the world. I just, I'm silent, and people coach themselves. They get the insights themselves. I just have to be silent and sit in front of the screen. It's so easy. I have to make sure that I don't speak, right? And that I don't give my opinion. I don't give my vision. But if I'm just silent for a little bit longer, and if, and if you have an external processor, it's a very, very easy job. If you have an internal processor in front of you, that might become more challenging because you can't see what they are thinking, right? You can't hear their thinking process. And I had my client this morning, is an internal processor. So, what we did is we kind of took an Excel sheet, and I asked the person to make two columns regarding the challenge that the person had, and then I asked him to fill the columns, and there was 15 minutes of silence. 15. And he would say from time to time, "Oh, what I'm going to write down next is very, very important for you to know." He would not say it, but he would write it down. 15 minutes of silent, super easy job for me, giving no comments at all. And when you allow that space for a client, they very often come up with some kind of ideas because of having heard them speaking themselves.
Um, sir, I would like to add that, you know, in, um, the, the opposite of this is also quite insightful. Now, as, as a coach, you can also comment on this, but my experience is that when we are listening, uh, we're also learning immensely, um, in those times, and I, I feel, uh, that our internal process, uh, our internal, um, uh, thoughts, they're also being channelized, uh, in, in, in, in that, like, real time when we're listening. So, it's benefiting the coach as well, uh, when we are practicing listening. So, just wanted to add this, this other side to it. Yes.
Absolutely, Mabin, and I'm happy you bring that up. We'll come to that towards the end of our session today. Absolutely love that as well.
So, as, like you said, about as an internal processing person. So, I, when I speak, I, I take a lot of input or about what I'm saying, if it's making sense to the other person, by the other person's body language, like somebody was, I think Mr. Muhammad was speaking about nonverbal silence. So, just a nod or a smile that, okay, you know, you just, I get it. No, I get it. That gesture of, "I get what you're saying. I get it." So, um, so this was a bit like, so Mark was fantastically silent. And, uh, so at, at the moment, at certain moments, I was looking into the camera and looking at him, is he listening? Is, have I gone off track? Have I derailed? Um, you know, have I gone off topic entirely? Am I making sense to him? So, I was in the process, I was questioning myself as well that, um, while looking at the timer, of course, but, um, so as a coach, it was kind of a bit hard for me, as a person who relies on other people's, uh, gestures, uh, to feel. I think I was seeking that validation or, um, it was, yeah. But, but Mark, Mike was really good with the, with the silence part. Yeah, I appreciate it.
Very interesting to hear that from the coach's perspective, right? They are looking for, they like, why are they not saying anything? And they feel the urge, now I, now I have to fill the silence, right? It gets uncomfortable for them. Okay.
So, there, I had an experience with my coach. Like, there was a 50-minute session, and he stayed silent for around 48 minutes.
Wow.
And eventually, at the end of the session, so like, in the last two minutes, he said, "I will send you, uh, uh, brief material to read, and we'll connect in the next session." And for the next week, I kept on thinking, like, where did I go wrong? And when I received the content, it was actually the content I needed to read. So, then I realized that he was actually trying to understand me, and then he came up with something that's, that's actually needed to, uh, upgrade my next discussions with him.
Yeah, absolutely, absolutely. Love that. Thank you, Muhammad, for sharing. And yeah, we are uncomfortable with silence, and hence the client will feel the need, "I have to speak." So, in a matter of, it's, in a way, it's like, who will stay silent the longest? You or the client, right? I, I once had a client, and, um, we couldn't see each other because the company, his company did not allow him to be on camera. And I asked him a question, and he said, "I don't know." Right? So, I, I went quiet, allowing him time to think and to find something. And after three minutes, he goes like, "Are you still there?" "Yeah, I'm there. I'm waiting for you to come up with a solution or to find something or what comes up, right?" Um, absolutely. And Sana, you highlighted that you were seeking validation. Um, interesting, right? And be careful of cultural differences, right? If I'm on a call with somebody from India or Pakistan, right, and I'm listening, look at what I'm doing, right? I'm listening. I'm giving you the head nod. Yes, I hear you. I hear you. But I do that with somebody from Europe, and they go like, "What is she doing?" Right? Because it's like, it's a different head nod. So, be careful and realize from what perspective you come in. There's a difference between this and this. So, I thought I'd highlight that as well. Okay, let's move to the next part of this, and we are going to look a little bit at, um, somatic awareness, body-based awareness techniques, right? Um, we already indicated reflecting back, reflecting back, things that we notice. We practice with silence. This is really about the body. Um, and you will see there's so many different techniques to learn and so many different, um, specializations. You have full body awareness, uh, specialization coaching that you can do, and this is really focusing on asking the question, things like, "What are you noticing in your body right now?" Right? "Where do you feel that emotion?" And they might go like, "Oh, you know what? It's, it's in my lungs, it's in my throat. I get some kind of, it closes." Um, that there's a lot of reading material that you can do on that. If it's in, if it's in the lungs, in the throat, it generally has to do with sadness. If it's in the belly button and they feel in their stomach some kind of stone, it generally has to do with a constant anxiousness, a constant worry that they have, not trusting their gut feeling. If it's in the neck, it's the amount of responsibility that they have. There's a lot of reading that you can do, but it's always interesting to ask these kind of questions to see how connected are they actually with their body. These days, many people are very disconnected with their body. But the body always knows first. The body always gives a signal first, and if we become aware of that, that can, that is information to help us in our life. Right? So, you can help clients to reconnect with their body and to pick up the signs that tell them that they are stressed. Right? So that they can act on it faster than before it hits the mind. Right. Um, yes, what I indicated, it also bypasses mental defensiveness, right? If we talk about the body, it creates that immediate awareness, and it often unlocks some emotional, um, breakthroughs. Okay, I will let that try. I will let you try that in your next sessions. But just see what becomes possible when you practice with something like this. Okay? When evoking awareness goes wrong, leading questions. Please, please, please, please do not lead a client into discussing something. Do not lead them into a possible solution. Do not lead them into the next part of the discussion where you think the discussion should go, because that is the main thing that the ICF does not like at all. Right? Anything else can be great of your coaching session. If there's any kind of leading in there, forget it. You won't. Right? So, be very careful. Am I leading? Am I not leading? Um, interpretations. Instead of reflecting something back, you interpret what you're seeing. Be very careful of that. It should be only an observation. Um, pushing for awareness when the client is not ready. It's okay. Right? They own it. They have the choice. I have no attachment that they own it or not. Right? Um, it's not about making it being right. Right. It's not about being helpful. I don't need to help somebody. I don't have to fix somebody. Our clients are not broken. There's nothing wrong with them. That's a basic, um, perspective that we have about our clients. I'm not there to help the client, right? If I'm there to help, it means that I'm smarter than them. It means that they are broken, right? We are on the same level. We are partnering human to human. We are just talking about something. Okay? Um, overwhelming. If we give too many reflections back, be very careful of that, right? Um, yeah, follow their energy, use their language. Um, if they have an insight, celebrate that. Okay. When clients become self-aware, decision-making is super easy, becomes easier, relationships become more authentic. Um, self-sabotage patterns lose their power, confidence grows, and life satisfaction increases. Right? You're helping people to wake up. What we going to do next? I see we have six minutes till the hour or till half the hour, depending on where you are. We're going to take a, wait, there, let me see. Yes, we're going to take a six-minute break, and then we are going to move into the last part of our session of today. Let's quickly do that. I'll see you back in six minutes. Create self-awareness in the client, and that's very important for the ICF. That's what we do when we create self-awareness, and we create awareness for the client. But there's also another perspective for ICF. It's about our own self-awareness as a coach. When I'm in a coaching session, am I aware about myself? Am I aware about the urges that come up to say something? Am I aware about the question that I'm asking? Is it the question that will help the client, or is it a question that I'm just curious about the situation, but the client knows already the situation, right? Am I aware of patterns that might be there for me? Am I aware of buttons that I might have, right? And believe me, you will have clients who come into your sessions, and you go like, "Oh my gosh, I can't believe they come with this topic. I have exactly the same problem." Right? They want to talk about some kind of procrastination, and you were like, "Yeah, you tell me how to do that, because I also don't know." Right? You will have those moments. The thing is, are you aware about yourself in that moment in time? So, let's look at that self-awareness for a coach. It is like that, you can see on screen, right? It's like holding up a mirror for yourself. But in a way, most effective coaches would utilize a multiple mirror approach to ensure that we are not just reflecting the client, but also your own triggers, your own impact, right? It's a holistic approach of, and this makes sure that the coach remains always objective and present, and is not projecting their own issues onto the client, right? I can have a client, and they come up with an issue, I go, "I know, I know, I know, I know, this is how you solve it. I feel that myself, right?" That is what worked for me might not work for them, right? So, we don't want to project our own issues. Um, in a way, when the coach is fully self-aware, they can hold that space of the client without letting personal issues interfere, right? Um, it helps with being more authentic, um, having more trusted partnership. When a fully force, they will fully feel seen and supported. It's not about me, it's about them. In a way, it deepens transformation as well, right? And it goes beyond performance coaching to really understand the deeper self that they have. What we will look at, and we won't look at that today, but we will look at that when we do the mentoring, is really doing some reflective, right? Regularly reflect on your own, regularly reflect on the values and how they are affecting your coaching session. And then I'm not talking about, you know, the session is over, this go well, yes, was a client smiling at the end? Yes, did I notice anything? No, everything is fine. It's okay. That's not reflective coaching practice, right? It's really questioning, what emotions did I notice in myself? What did my body tell me? Did I sit on the top of my chair? Was I, was I all stressed out, or was I relaxed, open to what the client was saying? The listening that I was doing, was I in their world, or was I in my world, constantly relating back? Right? Was I waiting for some kind of feedback? Was I attached to an outcome? Did I want the client to succeed at the end of the coaching sessions? Right? How present was I? That's all what that self-awareness is about. Being fully present, monitoring your internal state, being non-judgmental, holding space for the client, not letting your own emotions and experience come in, and focus on client's goals. And when I say not letting your own emotions come in, obviously you get emotional with certain situations, right? This is keeping a focus on the client, making a note of it, like, "Oh, I'm noticing this happening. Let me make a note of it and put it aside. I'll deal with it after the coaching session." "I'm curious what caused this." I'll deal with it afterwards. So, I'm going to challenge you all a little bit and ask you, take a piece of paper and kind of rate yourself. Are you aware of your emotional reactions during coaching sessions? How much would you rate yourself on a scale of 1 to 10? 10 being the highest. Do you notice your emotional reactions, 10 being the highest, or one being the lowest? Are you aware of some kind of assumptions that might be there? Right? If a client comes, yeah, that's the assumption that I have, right? They probably did something wrong, or they probably did something like this, right? Do I catch myself when I want to give advice versus evoking awareness? Do I recognize that my stuff is showing up? Do I know my triggers? I'm challenging you. Write that. Take a piece of paper and write that down for a minute. Yes. We are going to go into a breakout room where you can discuss this. And in a way, I'm not only curious about what is the low score, right? You don't really have to indicate that. I'm more curious about what is it that you want to do with it? How can you as a coach become more self-aware about yourself? What will help you to realize it? And when you have that awareness in a session, how can you make sure it does not prevent you from staying focused on the client? How will you do that? How will you deal with yourself in a way when you notice that your own ego or your own personality comes in, when you notice that buttons get triggered? So, I'm going to move you to a breakout room and let's talk about that. What is it that you can do as a coach to increase that self-awareness before we go into the breakout? Any questions around this? All clear. Awesome. That's cool. Yeah. Okay. K.