Transcription
Why am I here? What's my life purpose? Why should I care about anything if everything is just going to end? These are the kinds of questions that haunted one of the greatest writers of all time, Leo Tolstoy.
Despite having achieved almost everything – fame, wealth, a loving family, and success – Tolstoy found himself struggling with these very thoughts. He was often considered the Cormac McCarthy of his time, as his two most famous novels, War and Peace and Anna Karenina, continue to be some of the most celebrated works in literature. On top of that, he owned a large farm, had a beautiful family, and was married to a loving wife.
But despite all of this, something shifted for Tolstoy when he reached the age of 50. Suddenly, nihilistic thoughts hit him hard, and all of his previously found happiness seemed to vanish. A man who had once lived life to its fullest, doing whatever made him feel good, now found himself questioning everything. Why did this happen? How did he get through it? In this video, we'll discuss Tolstoy's personal struggle and how he faced these deep existential questions to an answer.
From a young age, Leo Tolstoy was deeply skeptical of Christianity. He lost both of his parents early in life, which left him feeling abandoned and disillusioned. The church, in particular, gave him a negative impression. Tolstoy once said, "So that now, as formerly, religious doctrine accepted on trust and supported by external pressure, gradually throws away under the influence of knowledge and experience of life which conflicts with it." His early life, filled with tragedy and doubt, set the stage for his later struggles with faith.
For almost 50 years, Tolstoy lived a life seemingly free of major worries. He was successful, rich, and surrounded by family. But then something changed. He hit an intellectual crisis, a deep and overwhelming existential crisis, where sleep became his only escape. The weight of his thoughts was so intense that he found solace in sleep because it provided temporary relief from the constant barrage of questions about his purpose and existence.
In his essay, "A Confession," Tolstoy expressed how during this time, he had to trick himself into not taking his own life. Life, as nihilism consumed him, as his thoughts spiraled, he became like an emotional toddler, constantly asking himself, "Why? Why life? Why existence? Why death?" He believed there was something fundamentally wrong with his soul.
In "Anna Karenina," the character Levin mirrors this struggle. Levin, much like Tolstoy, was caught in an endless loop of "why" questions, fixated on the meaning of life and death. Tolstoy wrote, "If not now, then tomorrow; if not tomorrow, then in 30 years, does it make any difference?" capturing the hopelessness that defined his thinking at that time.
These thoughts led Tolstoy to contemplate suicide. But instead of ending his life, he decided to embark on a different journey – a journey in search of meaning, a search for ultimate peace. He turned to philosophy, science, and various ideologies to find answers.
One of the turning points in his journey was a parable he reflected on deeply, a tale he included in "A Confession." The parable was about a man fleeing from a wild beast who eventually stumbled upon an abandoned well. Desperate to escape the beast, the man jumped into the well, only to find a dragon waiting at the bottom with its jaws wide open. In his panic, he grabbed onto a branch growing out of the well's wall, hoping to avoid falling into the dragon's grasp. Amid this situation, the man noticed drops of honey on the leaves of the branch he was holding. Despite the danger, he reached out and tasted the honey, momentarily distracted from the life-threatening predicament he was in.
Tolstoy saw this parable as a mirror of his own life. He recognized that like the man in the well, he was caught between two extremes: the wild beast of existential dread above him and the dragon of death waiting below. Yet, in the midst of this turmoil, he found moments of sweetness, moments that kept him alive and searching. Rather than give in to the dragon's jaws, Tolstoy chose to seek meaning.
Exploring almost every ideology, first, he turned to philosophy and science. Tolstoy read the works of multiple philosophers, including Solomon, Socrates, and Buddha, but he did not find complete answers in any of them. He felt that these teachings ultimately led to one simple conclusion: "Happy is he who has not been born; death is better than life, and one must free oneself from life."
On the other hand, Tolstoy also explored science, which he believed offered knowledge but found little solace there. He viewed Darwinism as embodying nihilism, suggesting that humans are nothing but an accidental creation in the universe. According to biology, we are merely lumps of energy, valuable only when we are healthy and destined for death once our cells grow old. To Tolstoy, science offered no comfort regarding life's purpose or how one could live a happy life free from the existential thoughts that haunted him.
Disillusioned with both philosophy and science, Tolstoy turned to studying and observing the people around him. After much reflection, he concluded that for people in his circle, there were four ways out of the terrible position in which we are all placed.
The first way is accepting the absurdity of life. I find a lot of commonality between Albert Camus' philosophy and Tolstoy's perspective on existence, especially in their shared view of absurdism. Tolstoy observed that one way people cope with the absurdity of life is simply by ignoring it. They do nothing about it; they don't overthink it. "Life is absurd, so what? They just live it." Camus also argued that instead of succumbing to despair or nihilism in the face of absurdity, we should adopt an attitude of defiance and resilience. The key is to keep a mindset of "So what?" "So what if you can't find the answer? Just go have a coffee with your wife and forget about it."
However, Tolstoy didn't think this could be a lasting solution. How can you stay ignorant when you have a fully functioning mind constantly pushing you to think about your existence? The deaths of loved ones or personal struggles can make these thoughts even harder to ignore. Eventually, the weight of nihilism overtakes, and absurdism no longer works. So, while he observed that some people cope this way, Tolstoy didn't believe it was a path to lasting peace.
This led Tolstoy to observe a second group of people who sought peace in another way: Epicureanism. Tolstoy noticed that some people turned to a life of indulgence, filling it with pleasures to distract themselves from the suffering and uncertainty of existence. They pursued material wealth, relationships, and entertainment to escape the fear of death and the meaninglessness of life. However, Tolstoy criticized this approach for being ultimately unsatisfying. While indulgence in pleasure may offer temporary relief, it's fleeting and fails to address the deeper questions of meaning. For Tolstoy, living solely for pleasure results in an endless cycle of dissatisfaction. No amount of indulgence can resolve the ultimate existential questions. In Tolstoy's view, Epicureanism was like the drops of honey in the parable of the man in the well: sweet for a moment, but ultimately just a distraction from the harsh reality of life.
The third group Tolstoy observed were those who, in the face of life's struggles, "lacked the strength to carry on but have strength to end the silly joke." They were overwhelmed by the absurdity of existence and saw no way out. This is a path that Tolstoy himself could not embrace. He saw some people go so far as to consider ending their lives, but he believed that this too was not the solution. And yes, please, never, ever do that. If you're in an existential crisis, keep moving forward. Don't let it consume you. Instead, search with an open mind, as the answers may not be immediate but will come in time.
Anyways, this, however, was also not a path that Tolstoy could accept. Instead, he observed a fourth way, which he described as a state of existential limbo. This is where individuals, after recognizing the inherent meaninglessness and suffering of life, feel trapped between two extremes. They acknowledge the futility of existence, its suffering, the inevitability of death, and the absence of inherent purpose, but they lack the strength, hope, or energy to act on it.
Tolstoy noticed that unlike those who actively seek pleasure, find solace in faith, or even those who consider suicide as a way to escape their suffering, these individuals do nothing at all. They don't reject life, but neither do they embrace it. They are caught in a state of passive resignation. They recognize the problem but feel too drained or defeated to confront it. This is not an active choice to continue living; rather, it's a form of numb endurance, a kind of spiritual exhaustion. These individuals simply exist, unable to move forward. It's not so much about embracing life or rejecting it, but rather about existing in a suspended state, unable to act or find any form of meaning or peace. Tolstoy saw this as the weakest form of living because it offers no resolution, no progress. The individual is fully aware of life's absurdity and the existential challenges but remains stuck in a standstill, unable to seek purpose or hope. This state of limbo leaves them emotionally and spiritually paralyzed. They remain suspended in their suffering, with no movement in any direction and no real possibility of finding peace or meaning in their lives.
After studying various theologies and observing people, Tolstoy experienced a profound revelation. On a journey to find the meaning of life, he started observing everyone. His observations of the poor, however, marked a significant turning point in his understanding of life's purpose. He was struck by how the peasants, despite facing immense hardships, maintained an unwavering faith in God. This belief seemed to give them purpose and resilience, even in the face of suffering. In contrast, Tolstoy, caught up in his own existential struggles, found himself disconnected from such faith. The peasant's simple yet steadfast belief stood as a stark contrast to his intellectual uncertainties and inner turmoil.
Having achieved wealth and intellectual success, Tolstoy found himself at a crossroads. Material possessions and social status no longer brought him peace or satisfaction. The pursuit of reason and logic, which once seemed to promise answers, instead led him deeper into despair. This mirrored the dark moments of doubt Levin experienced in "Anna Karenina," where the search for meaning appeared futile and unresolved.
However, Tolstoy's encounter with the faith of the poor challenged his perspective. He began to see that life could not be fully understood through reason alone; it required belief in something greater than the material world. This realization marked a profound turning point for Tolstoy. Although he had not initially believed in God, he began to recognize that faith, particularly in the infinite, was the key to transcending the limitations of the finite world. The suffering and struggles of human life were temporary, but the eternal presence of God offered a sense of purpose that could provide meaning beyond the fleeting nature of existence.
In this newfound understanding, faith became not just an intellectual concept but a way of enduring life's challenges and finding meaning in the face of suffering. Even if his rational mind saw faith as a leap without tangible evidence, Tolstoy came to understand it as the only path to true peace and purpose. Embracing this belief, Tolstoy was able to overcome his despair and find genuine contentment. His life underwent a transformation as he adopted a simpler way of living, focusing on the well-being of others and committing himself to a life of humility and service. He became convinced that without faith, true happiness was impossible. Faith, in his view, provided life's meaning, a higher purpose that went beyond human suffering and the limits of human reason.
As Tolstoy embraced this simple faith, he found a renewed sense of purpose, dedicating himself to helping the poor and living in a way that reflected his newfound humility and devotion to God. In the end, Tolstoy's life, once dominated by intellectual struggles, found its meaning in the very faith he had once rejected. Though his version of faith was not entirely Orthodox Christianity, it was deeply rooted in his belief in the infinite and his understanding of God. This gave him the satisfaction he had long been seeking. It was not wealth or intellectual achievement that provided meaning to his life, but a trust in something greater than himself. What had seemed at first like a concession to his rational mind ultimately proved to be the only path that allowed him to find peace – a peace that had eluded him in his earlier attempts to seek meaning through reason alone. He began living a more modest life, giving away much of his wealth, which his family did not appreciate. After this period of struggle and adjustment, Tolstoy spent his remaining years living honestly and devotedly, finding the peace he had been seeking. And at last, he passed away on November 20th, 1910, at the age of 82.